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What if I told you that the thing you so deeply desire, a loving relationship, financial freedom, your best body, isn't actually what you really want, and that the way you've been trying to get that thing might be the very reason you don't have it yet. I've spent 35 years figuring this out through my own personal journey of unraveling my patterns and looking within and examining myself. And also professionally, where working with tens of thousands of clients over the last 25 years as a psychotherapist and coach. And while that may sound like an exaggeration, I'm old and I've been doing this a long time, working with men, women, couples and groups. So I've been deep in the trenches and I have countless hours of conversations and sessions to know what I know. So I'm glad that you're here because in the next seven to 10 minutes, I'm going to give you the shortcut that I wish someone had handed me. And it's really going to spare you a lot of time, heart, heartache, and even money. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend. Because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We all do this. We think I'll believe it when I see it. How many times have you heard that in your life and maybe even said those exact words? We think that we can really only believe something is true when there is visual, tangible evidence to support us believing it. It's like we need proof before we can accept it as true. It's kind of like if this happens, then I'll believe. Or when that happens, then I'll. Then I'll believe. We delay the belief until we have some kind of proof or evidence that it's okay to believe it. And so it sounds like this, I'll be happy when I'll feel reassured when if this happens, then I'll feel good enough. So what ends up happening is that we chase after the things that we think will provide what it is we seek to feel or believe about ourselves. We chase love, thinking that someone else's affection means we are lovable and worthy and deserving of love. I'll believe I'm lovable once someone loves me. I'LL believe I'm likable when someone likes me. I'll believe I'm desirable when someone desires me. We chase beauty, hoping that if we look a certain way, we'll finally feel good enough and deserving of attention. I will believe I'm beautiful when someone notices or compliments me. We chase success, achievements, accomplishments and external goals of all kinds, or even accolades, believing that the next one will will finally be the thing that makes us feel worthy. I will believe I'm smart enough, deserving or capable of success only once I've achieved it. None of this is in our conscious mind. It is pretty much all unconscious. But it makes sense then that these things become so very important and urgent because of what it means about us when we get it, and sadly, what it means about us if we don't. But this makes us completely powerless to feel how we want to feel and believe what we so desperately want to believe about ourselves. We are reliant upon other people waiting for situations or circumstances and all these other things that are beyond our control to happen so that it can provide that reassurance for us, that evidence for us. So I used to do these intense fitness classes and hit workouts and I pushed myself so hard to go all out and run as fast as I could or do the whole thing and not take a rest. Eventually those workouts began to backfire and were no longer serving me, but injuring me, and my fitness level plateaued. And what I came to realize is that all this hardcore stuff that I was doing was to prove to myself that I'm able to that I'm fit enough, that I can do these hard things and that I'm a badass. I wasn't really competitive with anyone else, but with myself. And what I also came to learn and to realize after really doing a lot of deep digging was that wanting to believe this about myself was a subconscious response to always being the last one picked in gym class in elementary school. Can you believe that was actually a thing back then? I really hope that is not anymore. But it went way back for me, that little Hillary in gym class. I can still see myself that little me so vividly all those times that it happened and just feeling ashamed and embarrassed and small and not good enough and mad. I could just kick a kick somebody. Once I understood that's where it was actually coming from. I dropped the need to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself. And since then I've actually gotten an even better shape than ever just because I decided I am already enough. Just the way I am being kinder and gentler and loving towards myself as I am, rather than proving it with punishing workouts. I don't need to do that to myself to prove that I'm enough. I don't need to do that anymore. And it just changed everything for me. Which brings me to my next point, which is when you are coming from a place of a deep need for the thing that you want, it will always remain elusive. Like frantically grabbing at a wet bar of soap, it just keeps popping out of your hands. And that's because if your very existence depends on you having that thing, because what does it mean about you without it? The energy behind the chase is desperation. It's like having an empty cup. When your cup is empty and you're starving and there's this hole in your soul, it's like an emptiness. And you think that the thing that you want is going to fill it up for you. And that deep seeking is partly why it just will never happen. Because that low, it's just a low vibe energy that repels all the good things that you want to have in your life and that you want to experience in your life. And even if you do end up getting the thing that you're chasing, maybe just from sheer force of will and pushing harder and harder, it won't actually provide you that which you subconsciously seek. Your enoughness and your worthiness. Yeah, you may temporarily feel happy or fortified, but soon enough that will fade and you will need another thing to be proof for you. It's like a constant hunger that must be continuously fed. When you seek your worth from external sources, it's like an addiction, just like anything else. You will soon need another fix to provide the supply of evidence that you need to continue believing in yourself. When it comes from external sources, it's never enough for me. I was never fit enough to be the proof that I needed. And if I was, it was only fleeting because I had to maintain it. And as I got older, as we all know, it just gets harder and harder. So it just wasn't sustainable for me anymore. All that I'm talking about is often what is behind the highest achieving among us. The drive to achieve can come from the need to prove our worth, our deservability, our value and our significance. Our clients who are part of the Ready for Love program and community are the highest performing women on earth. And most come to realize that they are so driven to achieve so that they can prove to their parents, to themselves, to the world, that they are good Enough. And they deserve to be seen and recognized. It's the old wound for them. See mom, see dad, see everyone. Look what I've done. See? Are you proud of me now? Do you approve of me now? Am I important enough now? Significant enough now? This is a blind spot for those women and all of us actually. Because they can all point to the successes that they've had professionally and in their career and even in other areas of their lives and think that they are confident. They mistake that for true self worth. But yet their track record with men and their love life history does not reflect that of a woman who truly knows her worth and her value. They've settled for less than they deserve in a partner and in a relationship. Often subjected themselves to being treated poorly. And that's because true self worth and value has nothing to do with achievement. In fact, if you strip away what I call the mantle of trophies and you get rid of all of that, there's nothing left but a little girl who so desperately wants to be seen and cared for and loved. And that's why it is truly powerful to do this work on ourselves. Because no amount of accolades or achievements or acceptance or validation or even love from another person or anything else outside of us will ever be enough to prove we are worthy. It simply cannot. Only you can do that for yourself. It must come from within. And the best part is that you've always had the power to do that for yourself all along and you just didn't know it. Which brings me to my last point. We need to flip that old proverb on its ear and to challenge this piece of common wisdom that seeing is believing because it's actually backwards. You must believe first and only then will you start seeing the evidence in your life and to create the experiences that are coming from a result of this rock solid, unshakable relationship with yourself. And our beliefs are a choice, something else that no one really tells us, nor do we think about it. But it's true. So it's a decision that you get to make and you must make for yourself. Deciding that you believe in yourself no matter what, believing that you are lovable and enough just as you are, you give that to yourself. The truth is, you were born worthy and you still are. And nothing has changed. No matter what you've experienced in this life. Your worth and value are inherent. They are intrinsic inside of you. And it's up to you to know this about yourself, to choose to believe this. First, you give yourself the acceptance, recognition, love, validation that you need. You give Yourself the safety and the security and the certainty in your life that you need. It has to come from within. It simply cannot come from anything outside of yourself. All the external things don't have the power to do that for you. Only you have the power to do that for you. And that is the best news that you will ever hear. You will still want things in your life, yes, but your energy is not desperate. It's not a deep need and hunger, but rather a desire. And that energy is joyful and light and abundant and healthy. And that's when you start getting the things that you want to enhance your life, not because you need them. And the things that you want will only come to you when you first already believe you are worthy of it. You have to believe that you are worthy first before you will ever get any of the things that you want. True, healthy love will only happen for someone who already knows they are lovable as they are. Wealth and success come to someone who knows in their very being that they are capable of it and deserving of it before it actually happens. Your goals are no longer weighed down by the meaning that you attach to them. So you can release the desperate need to achieve them and just focus on you, who you are being, rather than all that you are doing to try to make those things happen. It's not about hustling and grinding and working harder and chasing. It's about focusing on who you are when you're doing all the things that you need to do to to build the life that you want. So to sum up my 50 years in a few sentences is this. People say time is money, but you can always make more money. You can never get time back. And even one day spent feeling bad about yourself, doubting yourself, questioning your worth or value, not believing in yourself, not trusting yourself or loving yourself is one day too many, my friends. When you shift your focus to just being your own best friend and ally and advocate and champion and really focus on your relationship with yourself, it all starts with you. You give yourself the recognition and the validation and the safety and the love that you need. Everything will always work out in your favor. And I know that when we all can be at peace with ourselves, we are able to accept others as they are easier. And the world would be a much better place. And I know that we could sure use a lot more of that right now. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.