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Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#86: From Walls Up to Wide Open: Meryl’s Reset on Love & Life
00:26:15
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- [00:00]
A
It took me until, you know, after graduating your program to realize. To realize that the imperfections are what make me me and make me special.
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B
Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, Love. Leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Hey everybody. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. I'm so excited because today we are joined by a very special guest, Meryl Stern. I'm gonna tell you about who she is in just a second. But one of my favorite things about the Ready for Love platform and company and program is that we get to work with the most elite and extraordinary women on the planet. People who I would never have got to meet otherwise because they're all around the world doing the most amazing things and they're smarter than me in so many ways and talented. And so today, Meryl is one of our graduates and she, in her own words, says I'm many things, but she is actually an award winning interior designer and she just copy co founded a new design firm with her daughter called the Stern Studio. And it is a very luxury, global inspired residential and hospitality firm. And you can tell if you're watching this on YouTube, not just listening that you, you can tell her style because right behind her is all this gorgeousness. We were joking that we have a similar aesthetic because her background looks very similar to mine, but. Welcome, Meryl.
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A
Thank you so much. It's great to be here.
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B
I'm so happy that you're here. You're one of my favorites of all time. We've just really bonded over the years.
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A
Absolutely.
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B
So I'm excited to talk to you. We're going to dive in and we're going to share with everybody kind of what your experience has been from the very beginning, like where you were and what you were struggling with when you signed up and then where you are now. So why don't we start with that, Tell everybody kind of what was going on with you and what were your, what was like, your pain points. I guess at the time I had.
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A
Gone through a whole kind of journey, a traveling journey and I had moved across the country and for like, I don't know, I guess five years. Then I moved back and it was very obvious to me that I was not focused on dating at all and that I had kind of built a wall. I dated a little bit, you know, here and there, but I was just. Everything was a no to me, and I knew I needed help. You popped up on Facebook. Thank. Good. And, you know, that's. That's how it started.
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B
Yeah. So were you aware of the wall? Like, you started to notice the wall, that you were closed off?
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A
Yeah, totally was aware of the wall. Didn't know how to break it down. Yeah.
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B
And what was that looking like? Were you just. Everybody was. You were picking apart the people that were interested in you or you felt yourself being closed or you weren't going out anymore. Like, what was the wall?
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A
I think I was just very comfortable being alone. And I. And from doing the work that I did with you. I know why, but. Yeah, I think, like, the guys that I would go out with, I would find what they didn't have for me instead of focusing on the really important things. I mean, honestly, like, if I didn't like their name, I would swipe left. Like, that's ridiculous. Yeah.
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B
Well, so that's like, nitpicking because you're right. Women do that when they're like, backing themselves into a corner. Right. Like, no, not him. No, not him. No, not him. Because it's scary to say yes.
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A
It's scary to. It's. I guess I just didn't trust myself or anyone else at the time, you know, that this could work out. Everything was a no, and I needed to really do a deep dive and figure it all out. Yeah. Which is how I started with you.
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B
Yeah. And how long had you been single, do you remember? At the time?
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A
I mean, I had been divorced, I guess about 10 years. I had a few. A couple on, you know, on and off long term relationships. But I. The reason they were on and off is because I was never gonna fully commit to them. I knew that they weren't the right ones for me, but they were great guys. So, you know, you kind of wonder back and forth, you know, you. Is this the guy? Is this not the guy? You're balancing like the pros, the cons.
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B
When you pick the guy that you know isn't the one, it's easy to just kind of be half and a half out, you know, like, it's. It's kind of like you're the one. You're non committal. Okay. So then when, like, what was going on in the program that were. What were some of the takeaways? I guess the breakthroughs or the AHAs for you early on in the program.
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A
So early on in the program, the. The most incredible thing to me was the way you structured it, honestly, the modules. We had weekly zoom meetings with a community, which was so supportive and so, you know, wonderful. And then we also had the recordings that we could listen to over and over again. We could, you know, we're busy, we're working, we have kids. Whatever it is, we could stop it, pick it up again, you know, I loved doing that. And then I think the really most important thing was the homework was the writing down, you know, the journaling, the questions, and really forcing you to do a deep dive.
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B
There's something about pen to paper that is different than typing. And, you know, I think I just came across some research study about that. I'm like, yes, that's. That's why we do it. And that just reinforced why it's important to do the pen to paper. For sure.
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A
You actually, I. I remember in the. The first module, I think it was like figuring out what your role was in the family when you were young and how that, you know, came forward with you and how is that working for you now? And then you had to quit, resign, and you had to write a resignation letter, which was brilliant. Yeah. Because you literally have to think of, you know, the reasons why you're resigning and why you don't need to be that role anymore, you know?
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B
Yeah, I love that. And actually, that is one of my favorite tools of all time. I learned that in undergrad when I was 19 years old, interestingly enough. Like, I didn't make that up, but I. It stuck with me all these years. It's just so profound.
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It is. It works.
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And what were some of your roles like? Do you. What were you doing that you. Do you remember that exercise?
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Yeah, I. When I was younger, I had to prove that I was brave and kind of do everything. I was very opposite from my mother. I kind of had to take on all these roles that I. I didn't like. Like, she worked. She had to work full time. My parents were divorced when I was very young, and our house was very dark. And I just remember, like, having to find ways to bring light into my life. And to this day, light, physical light, is very important to me. And I know why. I think I know why.
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B
You've been doing it since you were little.
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A
I was doing it since I was little. I. Because we didn't get along. There were a lot of reasons. I kind of grew up behind a closed door, so I think that's why I like being alone. Very comfortable being alone. Yeah, it's always alone. My mother, I'm not saying bad things were just very different. She didn't like to spend time together. She would get home from work and go right up to her room and shut the door. Her bedroom, you know, we didn't always have dinner together. We just. We didn't do any family vacations or anything like that. So I had to find ways, you know, for it to work for me.
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I love that we got to dismantle all of that bullshit.
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I know. And it's gone. Bye.
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That's goodbye. It doesn't work anymore. You don't need it anymore.
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Right.
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Okay, so. So that was one. Anything else that, like, you feel like you've really car forth.
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There's so much. I don't even know where to start. I mean, I learned who I was and why I behaved the way I did. And I learned what I had to do to rewrite, you know, my story. I was a people pleaser. I wasn't. I thought I needed to be like a martyr so I would be good enough. And actually that is the opposite to me now. I needed to learn to take care of me because I was taking care of everyone else. And that wasn't working. At the end of the day, you were care.
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B
I mean, again, like, we go back to our programming and our conditioning and our training and this does always go back to childhood. And what we don't do in the program is belabor that and sit and spin in it like therapy can do.
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Right.
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We look at it, but it's really to go back to those origin points, find those really seminal moments it impacted us and chart a new path forward and rewrite that. And that sounds like what you were saying about rewriting the story.
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A
Totally. I mean, I think probably my biggest thing was not being good enough. In so many ways, I was not good enough. I thought. Yeah. Or I was told that I was not good enough, which is crazy. Which is crazy. And it took me until, you know, after graduating your program to realize. To realize that the imperfections are what make me me and make me special. So what does that mean, not good enough? Like, okay, so I've got like old looking arms right now. You know what? That's me. And that's great. You know, people who have like, you know, a little freckle or a dimple, that's what makes them unique and like admirable.
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B
Yeah, we can appreciate it in other people, can't we?
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Right?
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So it's hard to just mirroring. Stepped it in ourselves.
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Yeah, Right. You know, like, all the plastic surgery and everyone's getting a facelift now, and, like, everything's going on. I look at some of these people, and I think you were so beautiful. And literally, it's not all about physical beauty. Like, you're still your person and everyone's still going to love you. It doesn't really matter, you know, that you got, you know, work done. So.
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And people want to get work done, and they're going to get it done. But it is about the inner, like, making peace with the things that we learned about ourselves that were unlovable, which.
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We thought were unlovable. Yeah. Didn't have confidence. It's really a lot about confidence. And a lot of what I learned in your course also translated into business. Absolutely. Like mentoring and teaching others, you know, it just. It's all wrapped up, really. You know, it's not like. What's the word? Like separate boxes, you know? Yeah.
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B
It's not isolated to just love. And that's what I love. I mean, all of our business owner clients write this off on their expenses because it is really identity work. When you expand your identity, that part, like, you're. I call it being the sun in your own universe, like, everything orbits around you.
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Right, of course.
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Like, so we. We shared at the beginning of the show that you just started a new design firm with your daughter.
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Right.
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That's interesting. I mean, that's got to be loaded. So how have you. How do you navigate that?
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She has worked for me on and off her entire life, obviously, because I've been doing this over 30 years, and she's taken on projects on her own, you know, her friends or friends of friends. And she's done a beautiful job. She is really incredibly talented. She also has a set of young eyes where I am 30 years into the business. So that's really important to me. You know, I don't know that generation like she does and what they like and what they're looking for and how to promote it, how to market it, all that. She knows all of that. She did not go to school for it, which is totally fine. I think it's great to go to school, but you learn so much when you're in the business. So after. After this back and forth, she finally decided she would join me and didn't want to work for me, wanted to partner with me. So we literally rebranded. It used to be Meryl Stern Interiors. Now it's the Stern Studio. So we're equals. And we have a 10am phone call every single day and, you know, different jobs and things that we do, and then we reunite and it's going great.
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B
That's amazing. I mean, that is the ultimate dual relationship. That's what it's actually called when you.
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A
Stay in your lane.
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Yeah.
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Right now, I'm not your mother. I'm your partner. You know, you have to know how to do that. How to do that.
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B
Yeah, you kind of code switch. You code switch. But I mean, I think that requires really strong emotional intelligence and boundaries and communication skills. How has your business mindset grown? Or how has the business grown or what. How has. Has the work on yourself transferred over into business?
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A
Well, most of it has to do with confidence. You know, when you are picking your person, that's kind of the same as picking your client. It's not that your client picks you, and it's not that your guy picks you. You pick them. Yeah. So that's a big thing.
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B
Can we just. Let's just stop. Because that's a really big paradigm shift, especially in the business world.
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Right.
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B
We've. We talked about that. Because after Ready for Love, you stuck around for a little while and did some of the business mentoring, too, with me.
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Right.
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And it is like, we don't. Ready for Love doesn't just take anybody. You know, our coaching programs, we. We are very selective because we're looking for the women that we know are going to actually do the work and get the result. So for you, you're not just going to take any client who's willing to pay you. You get to pick, too.
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Right. 100%. I mean, there are, you know, red flags for boyfriends. There are red flags for clients. Yeah. Yeah.
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So being discerning and trusting your gut and paying attention to your intuition and.
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A
Knowing your value, which is also part of knowing you're good enough. You know, learning how to communicate, that's a whole other. There's just so much. There's. I'm a student forever, you know, as well as a leader and a mentor, you know, or a teacher, whatever. You're both. That's your journey. Yeah, I love that.
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B
I do, too. I mean, I do too. And I. But I also want to say, like, there comes a time when. Yeah, we want to be open to learning new things. Otherwise, we're not growing. But I truly believe at the end of the Ready for Love program, women. And this is because one woman told me this. Her testimonial that she gave me years ago was, I can stop seeking the answers. To what's wrong with me. Like, it didn't feel like she was constantly seeking, how do I fix myself? What's wrong with me? She was able to just start reading books for pleasure. It was no longer about self help. Self help, self help, fix me, fix me. So, yeah, we want to learn and be open to things, but there's just a difference around, like what you're being open to learning versus needing to prove that you're okay or something like that.
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A
Yeah, it's not the proving that you're okay. It's like you get yourself into a different situation. For example, I was just reading a book. I forget the name of it, but it, it's like learning to speak to your adult children. Yes, they're still your children, but they're adults now. So you have to shift. That's.
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B
That's important for a lot of parents. They do not do that. Yeah. What are we celebrating? I know you had that big feature in Architectural Digest. Tell us all about that.
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A
I really was so lucky and grateful and deserving to win this amazing client. It's a younger couple. When we started, they had just gotten married. The project took three years to complete. And so now they have a three year old. Well, almost three years. Three. And they trusted me 100% to start from scratch. I literally drew this house on paper based on, you know, our discussions and what I thought would be great. And they totally went with it. I then handed it off to an architect. I'm not an architect, but I, I love space planning. I. It's almost like a puzzle. Like, how does it make the most sense for things to come together? And where do you want to spend, how do you want to feel in your space? Where do you want to spend the most time? Are you a big entertaining family? Are you a private family? Do you work from home? All these different things, you know, so they just. Usually I do all these big presentations. They really trusted me so much that they didn't even want to see most of the. I mean, they would look at it and just say, oh, just do it. Just.
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B
Well, that's a dream client. She doesn't want that kind of client.
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A
But you know what? The, the reward of all of it was that obviously it worked because my goal, my biggest business goal was to get into ad since I'm like a young kid. That was the top magazine. So the fact that they took this was just.
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B
It worked out like all around. That's amazing. So they got what they wanted. You got. And three years is a long time.
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A
Yeah. Well, it was a build, you know.
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B
It was a total build.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Wow.
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12,000 square foot house.
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Every little detail, like all the little vases and stuff.
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There is nothing, nothing that I did not do, I think, except the, the gate in the front.
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B
Oh, my gosh.
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There is.
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B
Can you. Do you know, exactly. I'm sure you do share with the listeners in case everybody wants to go check it out. What is that? What is the volume or the, you know, which, which year, month?
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A
It's digital.
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B
Okay.
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A
So if they go to the Stern studio, you can see it on there.
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B
Okay.
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A
Yeah, yeah. It's not like. That's not how they do it anymore. So it's. It's digital.
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B
It's not in print anymore.
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A
I mean, it's very. AD's print is like a pamphlet right now. Yeah.
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B
Oh, wow. I mean, I have it on my shelf. I think you probably have it on yours.
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A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And of course, I still, you know, get the physical ones. I love them. Yeah. But, yeah, it's mostly. It's mostly digital and if you're on, you can sign up for it. And they also take a lot of celebrities like that. I'm not a celebrity, so. But that's what they're interested in.
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B
So it's really amazing that you got in there then. That's like, seriously.
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A
Yeah.
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B
So exciting. I love. Yeah, See, we love. I just love celebrating. I told you all that I get to work with the best, the best of the best, most interesting, dynamic, powerhouse women. And so, of course, everybody wants to know what's going on in your love life. Tell us the wins, the loses, the ups, the downs, you know, tell us.
- [19:09]
A
I can't say I'm with anyone right now. I. I think I am just really aware of who I am. I'm not the swiping left on names anymore, obviously, but I'm aware of what my real priorities are and needs are. And if that person is not aligned with me, then we're not a match. I would rather be alone than be with someone. You know, that's going to be a lot of work and we're not aligned. So. Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at right now. Yeah.
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B
Well, I mean, our 98 success rate is. Has nothing to do with women finding a person.
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It.
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You know, a lot of women do. They have rings on fingers and, you know, houses that they built. A lot of them do. But actually what I love the most is when women just show up differently. More powerfully, more aware, more knowing their worth and their value and Women say the old me would have stayed with this person and made it work, but the new me broke up with him. So I love celebrating breakups because of that very reason. So the, the success rate is based on women saying, I. I came away from this experience a better me in so many ways. That's the win.
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A
That is the win. And that is 100% true. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I. I think the world should take your course because it's not just about love, like you said. It's really about being the best you can be. Your first printout was get the Love youe Want. I crossed it out and wrote get everything you want. I love it. That's the truth, though. Yeah.
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B
That was the name of the program when I started because honestly, I didn't have any idea how big it would get. And I knew there was a book by Harville Hendricks called Get the love you want from a long, long, long, long time ago. And I couldn't think of a better name. So I was like, that's exactly what I want to be teaching. So that's what I'm gonna call it. But as we grew, it became a conflict. You know, they're of course, trademarked. So I had. I think I just didn't realize how big we were gonna get and how that. That would be a problem at some point in the future. So we had to rebrand and change the name from getting.
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A
I mean, and look what happened. It just snowballed.
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B
Yep, it did. Like, look where we are now.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Thank you for coming on the show and telling everybody your story and being vulnerable. I know it's not easy to broadcast, you know, the. The intricacies of your psychology and your relationship love life story, but I think when we. When women are willing to share, it just helps other women see what's possible.
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A
I love to do that because I get value from them doing it too. So. Yeah. I'm so happy to. That you asked me to do this.
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B
And I had this one area in my house that I want you to help me with. Will you help me? Yes. I can tell we get along style wise in every other way too, but we're aligned.
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A
We can have a relationship.
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B
We can. A dual relationship even. Well, thanks, Meryl. And check out the sternstudio.com so that you can see all of Meryl's amazing work. And I'll see you guys next time. Thanks for being here.