← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
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Hilary Silver
Today we are talking about patriarchy and power, and if that sounds stuffy and boring, I assure you this conversation is not going to be that. That's because there's another force at play here and it's what makes this extremely exciting and paradigm shifting. Can you guess what I'm talking about? Probably not. It's pussy. Yes, I said it and it does make me cringe just a little bit. But I'm slowly getting over it because this is way too important of a conversation not to talk about it with you. And as you know, I'm all about paradig, shifting and dismantling the status quo and really helping all of us break free from long held but harmful beliefs that hold us back. So let's just jump right in without any preamble today. Hi, it's Hilary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast. Appreciate leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend. Because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Think about this for just a second. The most powerful countries and people are those who have access to the world's most limited, finite and valuable resources, right? So think oil, diamonds, minerals, gold, dollars. Yes, it's true. But what is it that man really wants more than any of that? Yes, that's right. Pussy makes the world go around. Ask any man and he will not deny it. In fact, I've been polling some of the men in my life just to see what they have to say about this. And none of them disagreed with me. In fact, when I kind of proposed this, they lit up in a way. They got excited to talk about it. So after you listen to today's conversation, it would be fun for you to bring it up with the men in your life and see what they have to say. So here's the deal. Since the beginning of time, men obsess over it, fight for it, die for it, pay for it, steal for it, take it by force, and even kill for it. They want to own it, claim it, possess it, control it, and take it whenever they want it. They want access whenever they want. Just like the golden goose. And when they can't get it, they get violent and mean and angry and resentful and lash out. And no, not all men. I would never speak in absolutes. So just know that as we're talking about this, but really by definition, then who really holds all the power we do? This is, in my opinion, the seminal underpinnings of patriarchy. The need to dominate and control women to keep us small, independent and held back, to not realize our own power and full potential, lest we realize just how much power we have over them. And it's the origin point of misogyny to hate, resent or be angry towards the source of something that they want but can't control or have. But here's the biggest problem of all, and this is the bitch slap right now. We women are not wielding our power, not individually, in our lives and not collectively as half of the population. We don't even even realize how powerful we are simply because of this one feature that we possess that has such a hold over men, let alone all the other insanely amazing things women are, which we're going to get to in just a minute. For far too long we have been manipulated, brainwashed and gaslit into believing this power differential is the other way around. And it has become inverted so that they can be in control. So while men might be physically bigger and stronger, we women have bought into the bullshit that we are somehow smaller and weaker. And for generations girls have been socialized to be submissive and pleasing and accommodating to earn and seek improve our worth and value rather than just knowing it and claiming it for ourselves. Simply because we exist and that our value comes from what we can do for others and in how we are received by others. When a boy likes us and picks us, we ask for permission rather than declare what we want and expect to get it. And we apologize when we've done nothing wrong and we accommodate to keep the peace, even if it means we are silenced. We acquiesce our autonomy and we allow others to dictate and legislate our freedoms. We look up to rather than at meaning. We've allowed ourselves to be in a one down position as if we can't just get what we want because we want it. We tolerate the intolerable, we accept the unacceptable in how we are treated in our homes, with our partners, at work and in society. So here's the thing. I want this to be a very big takeaway for everybody. This is not a political issue, even if it seems like it is. It's a women's issue no matter which side of things you are on. So how do I know all of this? It's not because I read it in a book and it's not just because I think it's so. I have heard this. This firsthand. And I hear it all day, every single day. In fact, I've conducted over 6,090 minute interviews with women who are over 40, just since 2017, when I launched Ready for Love. Call it qualitative, informal research, in depth conversations with women about their relationship history, their childhood experiences, and their deepest fears and beliefs. These women are executives, neurosurgeons, investment bankers, professors, entrepreneurs, lawyers, engineers and pilots. And women just like that. They are incredibly smart women who have amazing careers and have achieved incredible success that they have worked for and earned. And they have accomplished the most incredible and fantastic things in this life. And most of them are also moms, often raising kids on their own. And if not on their own, they have at least taken the primary caregiving role of their children doing it all. And on top of that, many of them have overcome childhood circumstances filled with all kinds of neglect, abandonment, and even abuse. So these powerhouse women who look the part on the outside, and if you saw them living their everyday life, you might think, wow. But at the very same time, these women report feeling small in their relationships. They tell me stories of men who've breadcrumbed them, ignored their emotional needs, cheated on them, withheld affection, made them feel like too much or not enough. And they've stayed in relationships where they did all the emotional labor, carried the load, never felt safe to express their needs, and feared that if they did, they'd be abandoned. They attracted and stayed with men who were emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, dismissive, immature or dependent, and even experiencing all kinds of abuse, verbal, mental, emotional, physical, and even sometimes sexual. So why am I bringing this up? Because there is a huge discrepancy between what so many women look like professionally and in their social lives and what is actually going on behind closed doors in her private personal life. It can be hard to hear this, but it is happening a whole lot more than you might think. And if it's happening to women who are this educated and have access to resources, then it's definitely happening to those who are less fortunate and powerful in all of those ways. But why? How is this happening? Because at a young age, they we all learned that love is something to earn, that being chosen is proof that you're deserving and good enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, all the enoughs. And they were raised in homes where emotions weren't encouraged or safe, where achievement was praised over authenticity, where love felt conditional, and where needs weren't important. So what did they do? They Became high achieving, high functioning women. But with deep internal wiring of unworthiness. They perform over give, please prove and seek their worth and value. Striving for perfection, striving for significance and then often end up settling in so many ways. Not just with romantic or life partners, but in many areas of life. They carry stories from childhood like I have to be useful or perfect to be loved. If I express my needs or share my real self, I'll be rejected. If I want something in this life, it's up to me to make it happen. No one will be there for me. Even when I need, I'm not important, I don't matter. I have to work hard to earn my significance and worth. Is this hitting home for you in any way? Here's the truth, a little known fact, but a fact nonetheless. High achieving women secretly struggle from low self worth. It's low self esteem masked by badassery, outward success, inward shame. And yet we are fierce, resilient, brilliant. We are walking miracles. I never cease to be amazed by what women are capable of. Which is exactly why we are having this conversation today. Women are sacred, magical and powerful. We grow humans inside of our bodies. We bleed without dying. We turn blood into milk. Every human on this earth has passed through the body of a woman. We create the homes, nurture the families, support our communities and show up. So despite any of our personal flaws, our faults or our fuck ups, we are the almighty, the omnipotent and the all powerful. And it's time we start acting like it. No more seeking approval, acceptance, validation, recognition or significance. No more proving our worth and our value by what we can do in this world. No more apologizing for our truth. No more asking for what we want, but instead expecting to get it. Men do this all the time without thinking twice. That's the patriarchy. So here's the bottom line of today's conversation. This is not about man bashing. It's about truth telling. It's about taking radical responsibility for how we have gotten here and owning that we hold the key to changing it. If we want things to be different, we have to make them different. We do. That is up to us. We have to show up differently and expect to be treated differently. It is up to us and accepting nothing less than what we want in that very way. It is time to rewrite this narrative for ourselves as individuals and together as women. To change the way we think about ourselves and all of this. So that we can change who we are and what it is like to be women in this world. We need to rise above these circumstances and the station that we've been assigned and to sit alongside in our rightful place on the throne. Not because we begged for it, but because it was always ours. Yes, it started in childhood. Yes, the socialization and conditioning runs generations deep. But if we want something different for ourselves and for our daughters, it starts with us. It's an internal shift that brings external results. The moment that you stop downplaying your power and start owning it, the moment you stop waiting for permission and finally just give it to yourself, your whole life begins to reflect your worth. You already hold the power. It's time to remember it, to claim it, and to build from it. Not just for you, but for every woman who comes after you. This is what the entire self centered movement is all about. And trust me, we are just getting started. If you want to be a part of this movement, make sure that you get on my email list. I do not send junk, I promise. Just my favorite things for living a self centered life and reminders about these episodes so you never miss one. I will put the link in the show notes and down below. Thanks for joining me for this Pussy Power conversation. Please share it with anyone that you know who needs to hear it and I'll see you next time.