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It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello, and welcome to J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live. Hi. From Delray Beach, Florida. That's right. Every Monday is a mailbag Monday, where you, the listener, email me, the comedian for some advice. That's. That's the show. It's pretty simple. I'm. I'm messing around with. When I tape these things. I'm taping this Monday night, 9 o'. Clock. I'm feeling. Feeling like I'm oozing into the night. Is that a good way to put it? Oozing into the night. I got a water next to me. Figured I would try this. Why not? Maybe it's a different tone, but I have three emails from you, the listener. We always need your emails. These are thorough. These are some. These are some. Some. Some big ones. I'm looking at the emails right now. I have three in front of me. If you want to be a part of this show, all you got to do is email jtrain podcastmail.com j train podcast at. @gmail.com. i'd love to have you part of it. And, you know, maybe you're new. Why would someone ask me these questions? I mean, you're going to see they're pretty thorough. We love spe specificity. Find out what it means to me. I'm looking at this one. Jared, longtime listener, appreciate all the content. Well, I appreciate you enjoying my content. I want to know if I'm expecting too much from my maid of honor at my destination wedding. That sentence to me is like a big old slice of delicious cake. I cannot wait to eat it. I want to know if I'm expecting too much from my maid of honor at my destination wedding. I will say right away, without getting too far ahead, you're invite yet probably nobody's really chomping at the bit to go to anyone's destination wedding. Now we do walk away from a destination wedding going, wow, that was a great time. It's. It's the. It's kind of the gamble you're taking. Hey, I think. And here's how it is from my perspective as single, chubby wedding attendee who really doesn't care that this is all happening. I'm not going to get swept away. I'm not like, there is no one in my life. My brother's wedding. I was very happy for him. I was. I was excited to have it if he had said. I mean, if he had said, hey, we're just gonna do like a dinner, I. Whatever it was, I was happy for him afterwards. I felt full of love of a family, of a food, of alcohol. I felt good. I felt happy to have been through the experience. When I hear someone is having a destination wedding, I'm sorry to inform you, I don't think anyone looks at that invitation is like, yes, thank goodness I can take a vacation with my friend from college's aunt. No. No one is thinking that. No one can't wait for your destination wedding. We walk away from it. Thankful at best. You walk away from a destination wedding going, wow, that was a great time. I'm happy that my friend forced me to do that. We're not. No one is walking away saying, oh, what a great two weeks that we had. And. And you're saying, you know, your feedback well, people can extend and they can create a whole trip around it. Forced by you. Forced by you and you thinking that you are good enough to make people plan a vacation again. And this is. I hope it's gentle feedback, because I have gone to a destination wedding and been like, wow, unbelievable. Loved it. Jordana Abraham. Jordana was a destination wedding, and I do think it. And I walked away going, what a wonderful time. Great people happy. I went, but I was in no way getting the invitation going. There was, you know, oh, yes, finally, I can go to Mexico. I, again, this is just giving you the feedback. Destination wedding. And you're asking if you're expecting too much from your maid of honor. You're already expecting a lot of everyone that you're inviting. And everyone does when they get an invitation to a wedding. No one thinks that they're not wanted there. You sent an invitation to them specifically. They're thinking, oh, God, do I want to go? Will I have a friendship with this person afterwards if I don't go? What do I have to say to get out of it? Do I want to bring. You know, it's a. It's a number of things that don't include. Oh, yeah, easy decision. So let's get into it. I'm getting married this summer, internationally. And I know traveling is a lot of effort and money already. I've. I've tried to negate some effort and cost by paying for parts of flights, hotels, food, and even planned and paid for some activities. I will say this, someone trying to play. I don't know how this is done unless you're Taylor Swift and you have a private jet set up to Take me to Milan. I don't want your hundred dollars to go towards my flight. I, I really don't. I don't think anyone does. It's appreciated, the, the offer. I don't know how much. I don't know how you are paying for parts of flights. That's what I don't. In a way that's comfortable and not passive aggressive and not kind of annoying. And I'm saying this, I think it's nice. How are you paying for parts of hotels? Are you getting a room block? And you're calling that paying for the hotel? I'm just like, listen, I'm playing devil's advocate and I'm being hard on you because this is a hard question. Remember, am I expecting too much from my maid of honor? Like, I think when you have a destination wedding, you say, this is it. You're either in or you're out. And it costs what it costs. And people come or they don't. And you have to give grace to the people that don't that say, listen, this doesn't really mix in with my life right now. They don't have to go any further than that. They don't have to give you. Well, I can't afford the plane. If you could just give me, you know, a couple bucks for the plane ride. Like, I think that's actually demeaning. I don't really like it. Demeaning might not be the right word. I'm just saying doesn't make me feel good. It would it. That tastes like sour milk to me. Gives me a tummy ache. Now to say even plan and paid for some activities, I wouldn't even count that. Like to me, if I was invited to a destination wedding internationally, let's call it Rome, okay, we're going to go to Rome. A ticket to Rome, a thousand minimum. And then staying at a hotel, you're going to get a room block. Okay, thank you for getting the room block. And then you say the, the festivities begin. Friday night I have a rehearsal dinner where anyone and everyone is invited. Okay, That's a planned event that I enjoy and I'm thankful for. But is that, that's not me going? Well, they're paying for the rehearsal dinner. That, that is not something I'm going to consider money in my pocket. If you planned, hey, Saturday during the day, we're going to do a bunch of bocce out and there's going to be drinks and everything. I would be thankful, but I wouldn't count that as you paying for events. So I'm just saying I'm, you're being a little vague and I'm adding specifics to it and just answering for how I would feel with that. I would still feel that I am doing this big thing for you for your special day. And if I bought in, I also from my end, I have to go. I wanted to go. I'm happy to go. You have. Once you buy in, you have to accept this is the vacation you're having. It is before you buy in that you go. I don't know. Do I really want to go? Are they worth it? Is it worth it? So both of us have to come to the middle on this. You have to realize you planning a few events around your wedding, no one counts that as you paying for them and goes, well, they're taking away the cost to them. Once I make the decision to go, I'm also not going to go unhappy. I'm going to go happily and go, this is, I'm going to make the best of the vacation you forced upon me. The email. All right, so let's go back to the email. I bought her dress and paid for her hair and makeup. Okay. That is something I would consider paying for. I don't know what it's like to have a maid of honor dress. All you hear are negative things. You're paying for a dress I'll never wear again. Fine. I'm just saying that's not really as much of a. Oh, my God. She's, you know, there's a, there's destination wedding where the person's a billionaire and paid for everything. And then there's, and then there's every other destination wedding that costs us money that we wouldn't have spent. So I'm just giving you feedback that no one's going to give you. For my bachelorette, since I knew I had a destination wedding, I planned and paid for the hotel and some food costs for two days. See, to me, that's a expertly written sentence to try and get me off their trail. You said, I knew I had a destination wedding and I planned and paid for the hotel and some food costs for the bachelorette party. Did you have also a destination bachelorette party? Like if you had a destination bachelorette party in addition to your destination wedding, I would say, Kenah, you've like, when's, when's enough enough? Like so I, I, but I'm saying when you say I'm paying for some food costs for two days, again, sometimes I, I, I have to look at how things are written There was a hotel for your bachelorette party. Why was there a hotel? It's another destination. People had to fly there. People had to get there. Paid for some food costs. Again, we're going havesies. It doesn't, it's almost this like half admission that this is a big expenditure for everybody. Again, I'd rather when you're counting those. I'm kind of annoyed with you. This is feedback you wrote to me. I'm happy you wrote in. My maid of honor is going through a hard time after a breakup and has and has bad anxiety. I've been spending my time trying to help her emotionally, which I'm happy to do. But it's now been a few months and still all about her. When we talk, when we do talk about my wedding, it's helping her plan her trip and relive her travel and relieve her travel anxiety. I spent a whole day just helping her plan her trip. Recently she has not offered to help me in any way and I feel like I'm having her around is and I feel like she has not offered to help me in any way and I feel like having her around is now more work. My other friends have all offered to help and has helped with small various things and it's now just disappointing. She isn't. I know I should not expect people to help me, but I do appreciate the idea of offering. One thing I did ask her to do is learn a 30 second dance for our reception. Enough. Enough. Hey. So the wedding's gonna be in Timbuktu and flights cost a hundred thousand dollars and I'll cover like 20 bucks. I'm going to cover like you know, the wi fi on the flight and I'll plan a couple events when you get to Timbuktu and you know, now that I think about it, do you mind just planning and choreographing a whole song and dance routine to perform for me as if I am the king of Timbuktu? Do you mind? You're ask. The dance is a lot. I, I, I, I, I, I've been asked to do a walk in. I've been asked to do similar. Not the same thing. When, when does it end? I I, I just. And you say a 30 second dance. A 30 second dance means hours of thinking about it, worrying about it. No, it, it's, that's too much. I, I and, and if this person went along with everything and they wrote to me and said then and they have me do a 30 second dance, I would be like get rid of this person in your life. But she said she doesn't have the energy now. I mean, good for her for standing up to this. Although I know this is not important. I was hoping she would do something. We were dancers in high school. I don't know how old you are, but yeah, I like to. I sang in the choir in high school. If you asked me to sing at your wedding for 30 seconds, I would be annoyed. I wouldn't have the energy, I wouldn't want to do it. I, I, I. And she loves dancing. I love doing stand up comedy. I don't want to do it at a wedding I was invited to. So I didn't think it was that big a thing. I, You, I. You're not grasping what you're asking of people. And anyways, I think this is what broke the camel's back. And I'm just now feeling upset and resentment as background too. She's had bad anxiety for the past 10 years that has required me to always go to her when we hang out and plan her around her needs. So that probably plays a part too. Probably. I'm unsure how to proceed and if I should just have a conversation. Thank you. Feeling resentful? Well, let me just say. Can I just say you're both the problem. Let me. I've been hard on you because you're the one writing to me and I'm just giving you my honest opinion along the way. Like, and I'm g. And I'm being open with you because that's the power of this show, is that I can look into the camera and speak into the mic and, and say things that this person is half saying or people might shy away, shy away from saying because I'm not here to, you know, you're here, you're listening. If I lose you as a listener because of this, it doesn't matter to me. I don't care. I think I'll gain one for having been honest to you. And that's the bad, that's the gamble I make. What I will say to you is this is a combination of you're asking for a lot from someone you know can't take a lot. You've chosen the wrong person and you chose someone to change due to your wedding. And as I said before, a destination wedding is something we don't look forward to. And at best, we, we appreciate having gone and had a good time. And honestly, if we have a good time, it feels like we dodged a bullet. It feels like we had a good time in spite of a trip that we were forced to take with your cousins and your mother in law. So that all being said, your friend who has dealt with bad anxiety for the past 10 years and is now going through a breakup, you have to accept this is who they are. That's the thing you never accepted. And I know you're feeling resentment because you've been a good friend to them and you're kind of like keeping score a little bit because you're saying that you're talking to them and they're talking about their ex and they're talking and you're helping them through their flight anxiety. You don't have to do any of those things. So. And you might lose the friendship, but that's kind of how it all works. So this is all to say, I think you should say something. But you have to also accept blame in choosing the wrong person that you felt you would get help from. Like the idea that you thought the person with bad anxiety the last 10 years who has, who has travel anxiety was going to be this big help for your wedding. I have to wonder what you were thinking. And it may have been, it's my wedding, this is my big day. Well, it doesn't matter. In the same way it doesn't matter to people that you gave them a couple bucks towards their flight because they still have to get on a flight. They still have to go, you know, take off of work. They still have to make a plan that involves you as the star of their plan, which I'm not saying you don't deserve. I'm just saying that is asking a lot from people who can handle things this person can't. So you're trying to, you know, take blood from a stone. What do you do? I would go to them and I would make it very easy on them. I would say, hey, I know there's a lot with the wedding. I know I asked you, I, I would use the dance that you asked them to do and I would, I would, I would go apologize for that. I would come to them with hat in hand. Hey, I feel really badly I asked you to do this dance. And then I was thinking about it and I just, it's too much. I'm being a little much. And I just want to let you know I'm going to ask. Some other people have volunteered to do the dance and to help me with some bridal stuff. And I know you're going through it with the ex, so I just don't want you to be insulted that I'm going to lean on some other People, But I'm so happy that you're going to be by my side on my special day. So you got to treat this person as if they're, like, a little bit sick. And I mean that in, like, the most loving way. You got to. They need kid gloves. They're not ready for the responsibility that you wanted out of someone. And I think letting them off the hook and saying, hey, you know, I'm making you come to Milan. And I, I, I just, it's a lot already. I, I think I overstepped by asking you to do the Macarena at my wedding. And I totally understand that you can't do it. I've thought a lot about it. I talked to my fiance about it, and he's like, he's on your side. I would do all that because you don't want a sad sack at your wedding. You want someone who is happy and fresh and there for you when the time comes to be there for you, as in good wedding participant. That's probably the best they can do. So you got to put them in the best position to succeed. Right now you have taken someone who can't succeed at the jobs you're asking them to do, and you're getting resentful that they can't do what they always couldn't do. That's your problem. You're expecting this person to be someone you can lean on when the most you should expect from them is to be a happy wedding guest. You don't have to plan their trip. Just go to them, say, I'm excited for you to be standing by my side. I don't want you to get insulted because I'm going to ask a few of the other bridesmaids to help me on some of the dances and some of the, in some of the daytime activities. But I just want you to get there and have fun and enjoy. And that's it. Because you're asking someone who can't do you know, you got, you got to know what friends are for. What? And this is why the, you know, is made of honor. I know it's an important position, but I, I think you got to own the mistake. Let's cut our losses. Let's fail quickly. Hey, I'm excited to have you standing with me because this friend is a maid of honor. For some reason, they are not your maid of honor because you had to make them your maid of honor. And if that's the case, you really fucked up. But they're your maid of honor for some reason. Why? Why are you two friends based on your email, I have no idea why they are your number one go to to be your maid of honor. You need to think about that reason and then utilize them in the way that improves your life and has improved your life to this day. Because now you're asking someone who is a a point guard to be a center. And if that reference to basketball makes no sense to you, then I don't know how to help you. I can. There's a many other you're asking someone who loves the Bachelor to discuss Real Housewives with you. They can't do it. That's your fault. J train podcast gmail.com jtrain podcastmail.com we have sponsors people Lola Blankets My Lola blanket is out on the living room couch. It is the softest blanket. It is stretchy. Here's the other thing. I put it over my head. I just like went under it. No light gets through. It is like if you're one of those people that takes a nap and like puts a blanket over their face a little bit, this is the blanket for you. Lola is the number one blanket. Crafted with ultra luxury faux fur and a signature four way stretch. Lola Blankets are machine washable and built to last for years. It's seriously unmatched comfort. I lay under it every night on my couch. It's great. And it's also mom approved. My mom was like Lola Blankets sponsors your podcast like that. It was a surprise. Lola has over 20,000 five star reviews. There's a reason it's called the world's number one blanket. For a limited time, J Train Fans can get 40, 40, 40 40% off select Lola Blankets products with Code Feather at checkout. Just head to Lola blankets.com use code feather to get 40% off your purchase. After your order they're going to ask you where you heard about them, support the show and tell them J Train sent you. Wrap yourself in luxury with Lola Blankets. We have two more emails. That one was a thorough, depthy Dear Uncle J Train, Big fan of your podcast and general hustle. I salute you General Hustle. My partner took me to one of your standup performances and was hooked. Thank you. That's a huge compliment. I am looking for some guidance for the Monday mailbag while you're here. I have a trip coming up this summer. We have a group of six of us going. One friend was in charge of renting and paying for the house we are staying in. I personally don't have much experience with house and group rentals so I don't Know what is standard or normal? The house only has five rooms for the six of us. It is assumed that I would share the room and bed with one other. Assume the relationship is one where we are okay with this. Sibling, partner, son, we parent, best friend, etc. How would you split the cost for the house? Does this change based on the relationship of the people sharing the room? Sincerely, Ready for Summer Fun. Well, I love this email because, like, the last one, it deals with, like, the uncomfortable subject of money. What I would say to you, I think it's pretty simple and I think what you wrote in the email might be a good line to use. I personally don't have much experience with house and group rentals. Hey, guys, I know we've never traveled together. Like, I think it's a simple text. Hey, everybody, I know this is like, group is kind of new to each other. We have a house with six people and five beds. How do we want to do the cost of the rooms? To me, what I would say, I think the most fair way to go is you have. Each room costs a certain amount for the three nights or the two nights. How long are you guys going for? You never said how long. But, like, I would. I would do it hotel style. There's a suite, there's some junior suites, and there's some standard rooms. I would price them like that because you're gonna. You said five rooms, six people. So. And then you're the one sharing the room. So you might be in the suite level room with your partner. That should be a more expensive room because you guys are sharing it now. Then that gets split between the two of you. That's how I would work it out. I mean, you could say. I mean, the easiest way is, hey, there's six of us. The house cost this. Split it evenly. But I can understand how someone's like, well, I'm splitting a room with someone and then someone else is getting a whole room with a bathroom. So I think the most fair way to do it if you have a. If. If it's five rooms and it's $5,000, I don't think a thousand a room is the way to go. You know, one is 1500, one is, you know, two are 500. What are we at now? 2500 and 2000s. No, we're not even there yet. I'm an idiot. I. Well, I'm just saying there should be a tiered level based on the rooms. That's how I would do it. And I. And I think a text to everyone, hey, really excited for the trip. Looking at the house, there's five rooms, six people. How are we pricing each room? The way I would think is to price each room. How do you guys want to split it up? That's right. And keep it open ended. Someone might come back and go, hey, we should just all pay this. And you go, and you go, well, is there one room with a bathroom? There's a debate to have here and I think it can be had friendly and I think it can be had thoughtfully and. But I would say to you, there is a, there is a main bedroom. If you're splitting that with a partner, that should be a more expensive room. But it's split between two people and you do it like a hotel. That's how a hotel does it. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcast. Com if you're listening right now, you're enjoying this show. I want you to subscribe. I want you to send it to a friend who you might be talking about it with. I want you to come to my shows. Austin, Texas. Cleveland, Ohio. Hamptons, Miami, Red Bank, New Jersey, Foxwoods, Portland, Maine. And then I'm doing a book tour, walking Red flag. It is in pre order. Please pre order the book. New York city, Boston, Philly, D.C. chicago, Denver. That's going to be like a, a UOP live type of setup with questions from the audience and dating app makeovers and Rosetta Stone. So go to jaredfree.com for all that stuff. And then we have one more sponsor, people. We're, we're swimming and sponsors Rula. This episode is sponsored by Rula. If you're looking for therapy, Rula is here to help. Rula's online therapy platform accepts most major insurance plans. The average copay is only 15 a session. So what I like about Rula is they are making it easier for you to match your insurance plan to a licensed therapist. So they're trying to find a way to make this cost effective for you. And I love that. Rula has a network of over 15,000 therapists. If you don't like your first match, switching therapists couldn't be easier. Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high quality therapy that's actually covered by Insurance. Visit rula.comjtrain to get started. That's RU L.comJT you deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. I love that because you might have used the therapy offered on other podcasts in the past. And this one they're saying to you, hey, let's find the one that gets covered. I love that. One more email. Jared, loved your show in Tempe. I. I had a fun time in Tempe. I love that club. You were so good. I was dying the whole time. Well, thank you, Mailbag Monday Question. I've been dating a guy for about two months and I'm really into him, but something is throwing me off. When he gets home, he immediately kisses his dog right, right on the face. And then a few minutes later he comes over and tries to kiss me. This has happened twice already and I cannot stop thinking about it. It kind of grosses me out. I do not know how to bring it up without coming off like I hate dogs. And some dog owners get so protective. Am I being dramatic or is this am I being dramatic or is this a fair thing to say something about Am I being dramatic or is this a fair thing to say about Am I being, I keep messing up. Am I being dramatic or is this a fair thing to say something about this early on? Sincerely not competing with the dog? Well, it is fair to say this. I think saying it this early on is the move. I think you got to say something. I think there's ways to say it sometimes there's not a lot in the email, but I can say when you sign it off, not competing with the dog. I'm not. That might be a joke, but all jokes are centered with truth. That is not the route to take if you're, if you're looking at it as competing with the dog, which I get it, it's a sign off. So maybe I'm looking too much into it. You have a bigger problem. You, you are not going to win that competition that is going to make you look like a crazy person. Here's the other thing. I agree with you. I think dog owners always revert to, oh, you hate dogs. I think when a dog owner makes it about you hating dogs, it's absolving themselves of the responsibility for training their dog. So a lot of people buy a dog so that they don't have to deal with their own, you know, faults and inadequacies. So you might be going, jared, that's a little tough. No, I don't think I'm being tough enough. I, I, because I like a well trained dog and have a great respect for people who have well trained dogs. So, so, and it goes both ways. Life is gravity for the amount of people I have respect for that are great dog owners. I have a lack of respect for a bad dog owner who didn't take the time to train their dog and make sure they're a good dog. Now, this is a little different. You're saying that you get home and this guy goes up to the dog, he's like. And he's tonguing the dog, and then he's going up to you saying, baby girl, bring it in. And you're like, I don't want to taste the dog's kibble. I think you're totally right for feeling that way. Your feelings are justified. Consider your feelings seen. What I would say to you is that, hey, I'm not trying to kiss your dog is like, you can do it in a fun way. I think if they go and kiss their dog. I think, though, the empathy I have for the dog person who kisses their dog and tries to kiss you is they're not even thinking. I don't think they're thinking, hey, this is like my hot kink where I get the dog slobber on me and then I do a little snowball action with the dogs phlegm with my girlfriend. Like, I don't think that's what they're trying to do. Let's look at it at the most simple of. Let's look at this very simply. This person kisses their dog, totally forgets it, thinks nothing of it, and then goes to kiss you. Which is totally reasonable. From their end, I think it's okay to say, hey, hold on, hold on. You got to wash up before you kiss me. I can't kiss the dog. You just kiss the dog. I think that's okay. Hey, I listen, you kiss the dog, but when you're done making out with the dog, how about a little mouthwash before you kiss me? I think you can call it out that way. I think if you. If the person kisses their dog and they. And you go, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't kiss dogs. That's different. Now you're Cruella Deville. So you want to play. This is tough. And I don't think it's too early. I think it's you setting a boundary, letting someone know, listen, I love that you love your dog, but let's also consider me and my feelings. Now, if they go straight to, oh, so you hate dogs. This person is a crazy person. You should end it. They are not willing to take any responsibility. Anything the dog does is right. Anyone that has an issue with what the dog does is a dog hater. That's a bad person. That's a person that's not worth dating. That's a person who's not reasonable. That's my the dog is your way of finding out if this person is someone who's reasonable, is someone who takes fault, who's someone who has empathy for other people not having the same relationship with their dog that they have. There is a lot to be found out with a little humor. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wash up after you kiss your dog. I'm not looking to eat his kibble. If they come at you with, oh, so you hate dogs, that's a crazy person. That's someone who wants to do no wrong and wants to use the dog as a shield for all their inadequacies that they get called out on. So that is what I would say, I think having fun with it hey, whoa, whoa. Dog breath. And also judging them because if they come at you with you hate dogs, anyone who says to someone I will say that anyone who says, oh, you hate dogs to any review of their dog is a crazy person. Is not really ready for a relationship with a human. Jtrain podcastmail.com Jtrain podcastmail.com Mailbag Monday we're here every Monday. Tell a friend, tell a friend, tell a friend. Come to a show back next week. Boom.