Jared Freed (0:00)

It's a mailbag Monday. You got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. Hey, it's a mail bag Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Des Moines, Iowa. That's right, every Monday. It's a mail bag Monday. I've got two emails from you, the listener. That's right. You get a voice here, and we want more of those voices. I want more emails, more advice emails. Lifestyle, friendship, relationship. Any question that you want to hear someone give an honest, empathetic answer, then send it here every week. J train podcastmail.com. that's the email. J train podcastmail.com you can also follow the J Train podcast on Instagram, and you can DM your question directly to the J Train Podcast Instagram account @jtrain podcast. So we're making it incredibly easy for you to send in whatever you'd like. We'd love to hear from you. We do love a screenshot. We love interpersonal situations. A little bit like, am I the asshole type situations. I love those. Of course, we have ticked off Tuesdays on Tuesdays, chitchat Wednesdays on Wednesdays, pop culture Thursdays on Thursdays. If you have a suggestion for any of those shows, email it with the title of the podcast that you're looking to suggest something for. Suggestion, ticked off Tuesday suggestion, Chit chat Wednesday. That could be a guest suggestion. I'm just, you know, let's get. I, you know, I love advice. I love when someone says, hey, I got a note for you. I get asked this all the time. Do you mind if someone gives you a joke? Is it annoying if someone tries to tell you a joke? No, not annoying. I have the belief, and I think it's a positive belief. Even though advice can sting, suggestions can sting. I think there's good ways to give a suggestion and there's bad ways like anything. But I do have the belief, and I think that any suggestion, no matter how helpful or not, opens up a door. A door in your brain. If you think of your brain as a hallway with a bunch of doors, it's a door I never would have opened. It's a door that I'm thankful to have opened. Last night, I was on stage. I was doing some new material. Jordan Fisher, incredibly funny comedian. I'm on stage. He hears me do this story. He gives me an angle I never would have thought of. He goes, hey, man, that one thing about the, you know, about the pool in Saint Tropez, because That's something. Yes. I'm talking about a pool in St. Tropez. I'm trying to find new material. We just taped a special and he gave me this great note that I'm going to use. And if it gets a laugh, if it gets a laugh when I go on stage, I get to use it again and again. And maybe it gets no laugh, but maybe it leads me to the thing that gets me the laugh that I want. Yeah, we're a little woo woo today. We're a little cosmic today. We're a little positive thinking today. I'm looking out the window of my hotel. Des Moines, Iowa. I love a weekend in a town like this. I'm saying this before this Monday. I just like a weekend of possibility. New material, new set. We're going to figure it out. Laughs. No laughs. We're at a club. Club is like 200 people. Everyone's huddled in. It's cold. I might go have a drink after the show tonight. Who knows? The possibilities are endless in Des Moines. If you want to hear about my weekend in Des Moines and how it went or how it goes, you can sign up for Patreon. Patreon.com Jared Free. That's right. Patreon.com Jared Freed Five bucks a month. What does five bucks get you? You get first dibs on ticked off Tuesday. You can complain for your ticked off Tuesday. All you got to do is comment on coffee with J Train. That's another thing you get. You get coffee with J Train every Friday. You can round out the week if you want. Five days a week of J Train, which can't thank you enough for even enjoying one day a week. But if you want to round out the week with a kind of a story time type podcast, that's what it is. It's my diary. Every week I talk about what happened that week. Right now I'm sitting here Friday, December 13th. Friday the 13th. Ooh, spooky. I sit here and I Today a. I got off my mind, went off that spooky riff really knocked me out. Right now there's a coffee with J Train that's all about taping the special. The emotional state of taping the special, losing material, gaining, you know, gaining a taped thing, what all. Everything that went up to it. My parents coming up to the special, them being at an 11. So the whole story of the weekend is told on Patreon and it's there waiting for you right now. I also tell a story about, you know, a Meet Cute of sorts, as they call them. In the rom com. So that's part of the special taping story. So patreon.com Jared Freed we have two emails in front of us and we have one ad. So we'll do email, ad, email. I'm in Des Moines. I went to a Perkins. I'd never been to a Perkins. I've seen a Perkins. The marketing, the coloring of the brand. I know it well. The spelling of Perkins. I can see it in my mind's eye. I guess I would compare a Perkins to and this is another place. My parents love it. I don't think I've been to one. A Cracker Barrel. I'd say Perkins and Cracker Barrel are doing similar things. I'm sure maybe you are taking up a team right now. Now you're getting enraged. You're a Cracker Barrel fan. You're going, no, they got the country store. It's nothing like a Cracker Barrel. I get it. I would say just the things they're serving, what they're doing. You can go in there and get like American classics. I think the difference between a Cracker Barrel and a Perkins. Again, I'm saying this as I've never been inside a Cracker Barrel. My parents love, love, love a Cracker Barrel. I just want to see images. I'm looking them up right now. Yeah. Pancakes and eggs, breakfast all day. You got me. I think this is just two different things decorated. I think this is the same thing decorated two different ways. One with a more Southern spin and one with a more Americana spin. Perkins has. Instead of the country store, they have a bake shop. Let's do this. Let's do Cracker Barrel. Let's see if someone else has made the Versus. IHOP comes up. Bob Evans comes up. Golden Corral. I wouldn't put a Golden Corral. Waffle House comes out Texas. I just put Cracker Barrel versus into Google. And then there's a Cracker Barrel versus ihop Reddit Texas Roadhouse. I wouldn't put. Let me just see if Perkins per. That's Cracker Barrel versus Perkins came up. Kinda. Here's the AI overview. This AI overview. I'm not a. I live a little bit in fear of AI, but this is what Cracker Barrel and Perkins are both restaurant chains. But they offer different menus and have different atmospheres. Okay, menu. Cracker Barrel serves home style cooking like chicken tenders, mini pancakes and Mac and cheese. Perkins serves breakfast dishes like eggs, hash browns and French toast. Some say Perkins has a homey and comfortable dining area. Menu changes. Cracker Barrel recently revamped his menu, adding more flavor and making it easier to navigate. Perkins has changed his name and vibe to remain relevant. What was Perkins called before? Let's see. Perkins name change. And I'm proud. This is more coffee with J Train than it is. Than it is. Then it is Mailbag Monday. We're going to get to the mailbag. We have two really good emails. Okay, so the restaurant chain, Perkins Restaurant and Bakery rebranded as Perkins American Food Company in June 2024. The new name reflects the chains American values and comfort foods. They had ribs. I never would have thought to get ribs at a Perkins. New logo features a lighter shade of green that's more modern while still feeling retro. The menu includes new items like the bacon avocado crunch Burger. Is the bacon. The crunch is there chips in it? As well as new french fry seasoning. The restaurants are being redesigned with a modern twist while still honoring their heritage. Perkins is experimenting with smaller locations called Perkins Express that can fit in places like Air. Here's the problem with Perkins. I didn't know that it was to me if I was to rebrand Perkins and I. But this is what I wanted. I got to the front desk at the hotel and I said, is there a diner nearby? There's a bagel place called Five Borough Bagels here in Des Moines that I was like, gonna take a car to. And the woman behind the counter, she goes, well, there's a Perkins next door. And I go, do they have eggs? And she goes, that's a. Yeah. The breakfast all day. I want to know. To me, breakfast all day. That's where IHOP wins in the branding department. I know there's an ihop. I know I can get consistency there. Eggs, bacon, hash browns, pancakes, toast. That's what I'm looking for. But I do understand that's not everyone. I think when you travel all you want, like, all I want when I travel, eggs and toast and bacon. Just simple, no sauces. I don't want the smothered Perkins. I don't know what I thought their food was, but I was very happy with the experience just now. And I do a joke about this in the. In the special that we just taped. But the woman took my order with no pad, and I have. I have to say I was thoroughly impressed with remembering my order is not fun. Here's my order. And I'm sure this is what you want from a podcast on a Monday. This is what I want from a podcast on a Monday. I want to ooze my brain hearing Someone's Perkins order. I go, egg white, omelet, mushrooms, onions, peppers, mushrooms, onions, peppers. There was another one that. Okay, so it's egg white, omelet, mushrooms, onions, peppers, no cheese, side of bacon, extra crispy, no potatoes, sliced tomatoes instead. That's. That's a bit of a tongue twister. I. And she just looked at me. She goes, all good. Anything to drink? And I go, I'll take a coffee. So that's easy, I think. And then I add it in. She goes, toast. What do you want for toast? And I go, english muffin, extra toasted. She got it 100%. Didn't miss a single thing. Just impressed. Just impressed. So send in your emails. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcast gmail.com or go follow the Instagram account. The Instagram account V is handling and doing a great job. So here. Here we go. Mail bag. Monday, I got a water in front of me. Oh. If you want to come to a show. This weekend is my last weekend of the year. I'm in Batavia, Illinois. Then I'm in Portland, Oregon. Phoenix, Arizona. And I just added, ring that bell. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Montreal, Jared free.com/New Zealand, Australia. Rochester, New York. Way down the road. So, Jared, I started seeing a guy, 42. We hit it off right away. Just got along so well. We went on six dates, all of them multiple locations. Even took day trips on the weekends out of the city. This. This sounds like you're. You're on a. You're on a rocket ship to me. And there's a title that kind of gives away what the premise of this email is, but I'm not going to give it away yet. But I started seeing a guy, 42. We hit it off right away. Just got along so well. We went on six dates, multiple locations. I mean, like you're doing it. Even took day trips on the weekends out of the city. Even when he went away on vacation for over a week, he messaged me every day. He even said he stopped seeing other people. I hadn't felt a connection like this in a long time. This is all. Everything you wrote is what you'd say to a friend and not write into a podcast where some random guy in Des Moines is going to talk about your problem. On our last date, a month in. So you're a month in your last date. I went back to his and disclosed my HSV status. For context, I'm 30, have been HSV2 positive for the last 10 years. I've been in three long term relationships. Most recently had a year long hookup situation. Never transmitted it to anyone. Okay, listen, I think this is a subject that needs to be more normalized. Everything you say, I hear you. And this is I. Here's, here's the problem with everything you just said. I. And this is me being honest as a 39 year old man who admittedly and embarrassingly knows very little about this. I've been tested. I don't, I don't have it. I don't. I've been tested for everything. I. And then everyone says everyone has it. You know, it is one of those things where people say everyone has some form of herpes. And even the way HSV2. And again, you might sit there going, I know everything about this. I'm going to say I don't. And as you get older and single, you're aware of it. You go, and if you're being active sexually, you get checked and you say, and I say to my doctor, I go, check me for everything. Just check, check, check, check, check. Honestly, I'm getting a blood test this week. I just went to a doctor as I spoke about on the podcast, I think on Coffee with J Train a couple weeks ago, I had to go to my cardiologist. And while I went to them, they were like, okay, here are the tests you need. And I go, also toss in the blood test, you know, throw it in like blood tests. Give me the once over and tell me, tell me so I can be upfront and honest with anyone I'm with if there's something there. So, but I'm just saying, even with this, what like with this paragraph and this emailer, they're doing a fantastic job. On our last date, a month then I went back to his and disclosed my hsv, HSV status. That is like, to me. And I use this reference a lot, like saying a neighborhood in Brooklyn. I'm going to nod along because I'm embarrassed to kind of say what I kind of half understand it. I know it's a neighborhood. I've heard before. I feel like it's a neighborhood. I should. Oh yeah, I live in Williamsburg. Oh, cool. Okay. Nice. Yeah, no, no, no, Williamsburg. I heard it's great. It's. It's very gentrified now, huh? You know, you can say these things that keep you in the conversation while you also know you don't know very much. And again, anyone, I'm the one being vulnerable right now. You're being vulnerable too, though. I'm not taking you. This isn't to Say this person isn't being vulnerable. I'm saying, I don't hear a lot of people go explain that. Because you say for context, I'm 30 and have been HSV2 positive for the last 10 years. I don't know what that means. I don't. I wish I could tell you I did. I'm not a doctor. I'm a stupid fucking clown in Des Moines telling my jokes about Saint Tropez. What an idiot I am. I'm just saying I've been in three long term. And then you write, I've been in three long term relationships. Most recently had a year long hookup situation, never transmitted to anyone. I'm sure you haven't. I. And also, I know this is, this seems to be a story you hear a lot. I get outbreaks, AKA literally one breakout, only a couple times a year. So it really hasn't impacted my life much. Again, this is part of the normalization of herpes and what it is. I think we have been socially like. I think it's. It's kind of hurt. And there's been people that have done a really great job of talking about it in a more relatable way. I just think this is again one of those subjects. You go, if I don't have it, I don't want to know. And I. And don't scare me. It's kind of like saying Beetlejuice three times. You're like, you know, I don't want to. If I talk about it too much, I might have it, you know. And again, I hope that this is being heard in the way I'm trying to make it, the way I'm trying to say. I'm trying to empathize with the person out there who's like me. And if you're not like me and you know everything there is to know about herpes, I think you have to like, understand I am a person living in this world who's just a normal guy. And probably there's a lot more people like me than maybe if you're getting angered by my talk about it, this is the problem. Because then it stops the conversation. I get outbreaks, AKA literally one outbreak, only a couple times a year. So it really hasn't impacted my life much. And with more people being open about it and breaking the stigma. I didn't have an issue with dating until now. I'm with you. I'm usually really calm and collected when I tell people, but I get really nervous because I liked him so much. I totally understand that. And Basically blurred it out. After stalling for a while, he told me to leave. He told me to leave. Oh my God. And said he never wanted to speak to me again. I'm sorry this happened. It's been a few months now and all he said was that he thought it was fucked up the way I went about it and refuses to otherwise speak to me. That stinks. I'm sorry because the way you presented it here in your email is the way I've heard many people talk about it. Hey, I deal with it once in a while. Never transmitted it is. And again, that's made me feel better as, again, as someone who just explained tangentially knows you know about it but is living a little bit fearful of, you know, not wanting to contract it. So I don't think his response is a normal one. Um, to me, it's not a real normal way to respond to someone who you've been on six day with and checking with on a vacation and have it and especially at 42, I don't think so. They write. My question is, do you think if I went about it differently, the outcome could have been different? I don't think so. I also. Listen, there's something off here. Hey, I just want to let you know. I don't know. Well, here's the other thing. Here's. Here's the murky part. I don't know my. This is an email written. There's three sides to every story. I'm here to talk to the emailer. There's the emailer, there's the other person involved and then the truth lies somewhere in between. You did not write. I'm usually really calm and collected when I tell people, but I got really nervous because I liked him so much and basically blurred it out. After stalling for a while, he told me to leave and said he never wants to speak to me again. To me, that's a very extreme reaction to someone that you're hitting it off with in the way you guys were hitting it off. And it's been a few months now and he. All he said was that he thought it was fucked up the way I went about it and refuses to otherwise speak to me. Now listen, if you knew about this, you've been on six dates and you had been physical together and then it was said after he got the chance to like know about this before going in there is a little bit of fucked up to that. I do agree with you. And you know, knowing how much of a handle you have on it and how you know that to me that's still an extreme reaction. But I know that if I had HSV2, let me give you an extreme example. If I had that and then hooked up with a woman and didn't tell her to her she contracted it, I would be a dick. Right. You know, but even if I said after the fact, well, I have a good handle on it and I've never had an issue and I've hooked up for 10 years was, you know, had a long term hookup, all the facts being the same, I think I would be considered a dick and I would feel guilty. So I don't know how physical you were maybe. And again, this is just something I'm bringing up because you didn't really mention that if it happened. If you guys are like in each other's grasp and you're laying in bed and you've been on six dates and you still hadn't been physical yet and then you said that and then he reacted this way, it would be extremely weird of him at that point. Hey, how do we figure this out? Educate me so that I feel comfortable. That's how I would feel. So I don't know the answer to that. My question is, do you think if I went so I don't know if you held back on being physical and then brought this up at the, you know, at the last hour because you were worried about the relationship and you really liked him to me that I don't think there's a way to change his reaction to me. He was looking for a way out. If you had already been physical and you brought this up after the fact, I think it's, it isn't as strange for him to react a little bit, you know, scared and have some anger with that. It would still be a little weird that he's not like negotiating with you at all. So I do think a little bit of his. Okay, well if this person would lie to me, then if you feel lied to, then you don't really feel like you can go come back from that. Especially six dates in you can. I can understand. So I don't know. Or are some people just not okay with it and there's some nothing you can do to change their mind. Jared, would you give a girl with HSV a chance if you really liked her? Yes. That to me. Thanks for your help and let's destigmatize. Okay, here's part of it's really not a big deal in 80% of the she writes it's really not a big deal and 80% of the population has HSV. Cold sores are herpes and can be transmitted down there too best. Not another herpes joke. Listen, you're asking someone who has just said, admittedly, embarrassingly, knows very little about this and actually goes, I doesn't want to know because you get scared. Not. Not want to know. But if I was dating someone and were a few months, you know, if we were on date three and we're about to hook up, and they said to me, hey, listen, before we get into this, I would want to be coached up on what they're going through, especially. And again, if I'm on three dates with them, I do like them. So I don't think I would react this way if I had already been with them in a physical situation and then I'm told this after the fact, there would be some trust issue there. And I would. But I would also want to be coached up. I don't think I would act as extreme as this guy is, but I do think I would. Like, hey, well, how come you just didn't tell me? Like, I. Especially when you're so calm with this. If it is to be destigmatized, then. And it is so normal, why didn't you just tell me so I'd have the chance to, like, talk this through with you, so I wouldn't feel afraid. And I do think it's a lot of fear that you're dealing with. So, again, this isn't the. I don't think I've said anything wrong, but I do feel somewhat vulnerable saying these things because you go, well, someone could say, jared, you don't know what you're talking about. You don't know about her. No, we're all. We all have our jobs, we all have our careers, we all have our friends, we all have our family. And then the stuff that isn't in our world, we don't know as well as the people who are dealing with these things. So it is kind of the responsibility of the person who, again, who's dealing with this is to coach us up. Let us know. Let us. Let us be. I would want whoever I'm with to, like, make me feel comfortable. And I would hope that I would have an empathetic approach to it. And, you know, and also, like, say to them, like, you lead me, because I can't. You know, again, someone could say to me, well, go read. Do your research. That's just not what people do. So. So there's again, on the spectrum of, like, what happened here, it's either he wanted out of this relationship and this was something that gave him an exit. He felt lied to because you had already been physical. And then you bring up this thing that would maybe affect him, even though you know you have a handle on it. And part of him is using that to get out of a relationship that he felt was a little bit more serious than he wanted it to be. Or he really is one of those people who's like, lied to me in the beginning. That means I'm lied to forever. No, no, no. Can't do it. Can't trust. I think that's kind of the spectrum of answers. I don't had you done it differently. I don't know. I don't know that one part of this six states in you're 42. You know, I don't know how you didn't say how old you are. I'm 30. You're 30. He's 42. Six dates in with a good handle on it. I would expect to be told before we've gotten physical in the same way I would tell someone before I got physical with them or would feel uncomfortable, you know, not telling someone. And again, I'm like literally getting tested next week for the whole thing. You know, you find out something then and you got to go back. I don't know. You deal with these moral dilemmas. Great email. Thank you for writing in. If you have an update, you don't have to update. I think, you know, I've given the whole thing, but I do understand. Like, but part of the destigmatization. Did I say that right? Is telling someone beforehand and getting ahead and going, hey, and I think helping the people along who don't deal with it in their own lives. Sponsored Every Plate One sponsor today. It is in the description of this episode. I just love a meal kit. I really do. Every Plate. Their whole thing is they've got weekly recipes. This is great. If the budget. Oh, their whole thing is about making it affordable. That's the big thing with Every Plate. So if the budget's getting tight this season, let every plate save you on some coin. Save you some coin. I like when people say that. Let every plate save you some coin. They're the most affordable meal kit so you can have even more money for holiday shopping. With a rotating menu of more than 25 weekly recipes, including 30 minute minutes or less, family faves, calorie smart and veggie dishes, there's something everyone will love. Here's why I love Every Plate. First of all, keeping the cost down. Second of all, if you're trying to be healthier, it's all about portion, size and creativity. When you shop for one or two, it's really hard to shop for one or two. You always over buy, you always overdo it and you end up eating more than you'd like to. When you're trying to stay healthy, you got two moves, grilled chicken and salmon. 25 weekly recipes you don't got and the more creative, the longer you stick with it. That is truly my belief. Also what I love about a meal kit. It is very few and far between these days that you get a beginning, middle and end of anything. I want to just finish the task Finishing a puzzle. This is a to me, this is the type of mental health help you get from doing a puzzle. It's relaxing, it's zen. Get ready for the holidays with easy sides like apple pie, crescent rolls and sweet potato casserole. Or take a break from rich holiday foods with their collection of holiday detox. Love that. With affordable dinners for just $5.99. You're not getting that anywhere else. I just went to a Perkins. I spent 26 bucks on eggs. 5.99 per serving plus 50% off your first box. Everyplate helps you save money for a stress free holiday. Get this amazing deal by going to everyplate.com podcast and entering code Jtrain599. That's code J train 599@everyplate.com podcast okay, we got another email. A little bit longer. J Train. I've been a huge fan since your TFM days. Appreciate all the wisdom and guidance you've dropped over the years. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. It's a bit lengthy but a very perplexing situation. Okay, we love lengths. Lengthy and perplexing. I met this girl on Hinge and immediately hit it off with her. One of the biggest takeaways was the dancing. That dancing was an important part of her life. She asked if I was willing to learn so that I could dance with her. Okay. On the fourth day we had a nice dinner when mini golfing and got some gelato. I mean this is as wholesome as apple pie. While eating gelato she mentioned how she was beginning to feel more connected and open with me. So I also noticed she was applying to lip balm all throughout the day. Naturally, being a guy I took that as a sign that I could make a move. Okay. I don't know. Lip balm equals make a move. I guess that to me that's a very. Listen, I. You're out having gelato and mini golf. Going for a kiss seems like the move. I don't know about the lip balm. I don't think you could, like, use lip balm in. In a. Like a court, you know, thing. Oh, she took out lip balm, so that means she wanted it. I don't think you want to get down that road, but I hear you. Later, at the end of the evening, I leaned in for a kiss, to which she said, I'm so sorry, but I'm not ready for this yet. Awkwardly, I said that was all right and wished her a good night after this date. Okay, well, to me, it is both. Okay. Again, totally fine. Her saying she's not ready for that. Good for her, you know? I guess the lip balm wasn't lip balming that night. No, I guess that wasn't the cue to make out with her. Here's what I'll say. Good for her. Hey, I'm not ready for that yet. Good for you. You went for a kiss. You backed off. You go. Okay, totally get it. These are, to me, in the landscape of discussing dating stuff, this is like one of those, this is okay. This is all okay. It's also okay for you to go, hey, maybe someone who's not ready to kiss on this date isn't the match for me. Maybe we have two different speeds, which is totally fine. And my. Your speed to make a connection is as worthy as her speed to make a connection. One is not good or bad, it just is. After this date, I noticed the communication began to be spotty and date planning was a bit stagnant. We both agreed to take a break with dates and pick back up the following week. Week I decided to relax and prepare for the music festival I was attending with some friends. While at the festival, we went over to the dance section. I was immediately. I was instantly mesmerized by some of the moves of the dancers. Curious, I explained to a girl next to me that I was new to dancing and asked some questions about the footwork. This is very meticulous, man. I. Okay. She explained the moves and even offered to help me practice some of the moves. Okay. While she was showing me the moves, I had a feeling that someone was watching me. I glanced to my right and lo and behold, it was my hinge date. Look at that. I'm trying to figure out how many dates you went on on the fourth. So you went on the fourth date, and that's when things sputtered with the gelato. Mini golf lip bomb thing. Then you go to a concert with friends and you ask a music festival and you take interest in this woman dancing and she's helping you dance. I mean this is like out of a movie and you're asking about the footwork and then lo and behold there is the hinge date watching you get taught how to dance. She proceeded to head over and called me by my name while ushering me away with the other from the other girl who was showing me some moves. So she comes in she shoes. The other girl come with me. I explained how I was not flirting with her but was more just so asking about the footwork and moves. You have a right to flirt with her. You've been on four dates. You have a conversation to take a minute from dating. We can pick back up the following week. I don't think there's anything wrong here. She brushed off my response and asked how my day was. Yeah, I think you're explaining too much. Okay. She then introduced me to the group she was with. She told me she was fifth wheeling since she came with two other couples. We talked for a bit. Then she asked if I was all if it was all right if it was all right if she danced for a bit. I told her it was fine and took the opportunity to get to know the friend group. I immediately vibed with the guys. We exchanged a few laughs and they brought bought me a beer. Once she came back from the dance floor, I, I, this is all. I'm very happy for the details. It's a little weird. Four dates. Did you know she was going to be at the festival? Is this you guys were in the festival independent of one another and she brings you over. Okay, but I'm just saying once she came back from the dance floor, she told her group that we were heading to the main stage for the headliner. And then it was nice seeing me. She told her group that they were heading to the main stage for the headliner and that it was nice to see me. She left with her friends and I went back to mine. The whole situation was deeply confusing as I thought she would have invited me to come with. Yeah, it is a little. This is off. Nevertheless, I still had fun for the rest of the concert a day later. A day later I reached out to her as I had gotten something for the dog she was fostering. No response. The next day she sent me a long paragraph explaining how I was a nice guy but she was looking for someone different. Completely caught off guard. I sent a cordial response thanking her for her time and wishing her the best. My question, my biggest question is, where did I go wrong? Thanks. A guy from Arizona. I don't think he did anything wrong. I think you liked the girl. I think, to me, this story is very wholesome. It's very nice. Usually I think things are wholesome and nice. And I'm not saying wholesome is bad. I'm not saying it's bad, but I'm saying when. It's like sometimes, and this is just me noticing something, when things are like, leave it to beaver and like, very 1950s and like, here's your flower. It is when one person's trying and the other person's not sure. When two people are sure are sure. Especially, like, sexually, if they're sure. If there's like a. This is kind of that unexplained, like, I don't know, like, we're each other's type. Type of thing. That's when things get messy. When it's clean like this, it's one person being sure and the other person being careful. You go on this big, and you were sure. You were like, I want to learn how to dance for you. I want to bring you out. You brought her mini golf. And I'm not saying again, I don't want this to be taken as being a good guy is a bad thing. I don't believe that at all. I think when it's two people not connecting, your mini golf thing, you go, oh, I took her to mini golf. I was trying so hard. Why would I do that? And they're going on the mini golf day because they're like, what a great guy. He's taking me mini golfing. Why shouldn't. Why am I not into this? Why am I not getting that taste that I want in my mouth? Why does this not pushing through for me? So they keep it. They keep the boundaries, and that's what happened here. You keep. And I would say you did nothing wrong. I actually. I actually feel I don't want you to change. You did the things you're supposed to do, Met someone on hinge, took interest in their interests, made a plan to go mini golf and have gelato. Went for a kiss. When they told you they weren't ready, you go, no problem. Let's re. Pick things up next week. You did everything right with the person that it's supposed to end up with. This will all be nothing. This will all be the story they tell their friends that they're so happy about. But this is the scenario where someone goes what am I doing wrong? Nothing. And here's what I'll say from her angle. I'll give you an answer that's empathetic, that tells you what happened. I think from her side, if I'm to answer for her again, I'm just saying how I would feel. You went on four days because they're like, this guy's a great guy. He's a catch. This person's making all the efforts I've been asking for. These are all the things you never hear about. These things you only hear about. I just did a question box on Instagram and someone was like, what's wrong with men these days? Just the ones you're meeting suck. They're underperforming your expectations. You perform for every expectation for them. So they kept going on the dates. And then when you said, let's take a break, you know, let's readjust next week, they said, okay, good, I can end this next week. After I tried for four dates, I could end this. You know, I'm going to slowly back away from this. And then once they text me to go on a date next week, I'll send the paragraph text. That's what they said. Then you go to the music festival and you happen to see each other, and they see you on the dance floor with another woman. They go, am I losing out on something? It becomes. I think this is when it becomes territorial. You were just a thing, not a person. And she went over and she went and protected her thing brought you to the friends, and they said that was their one last thing. And that still didn't push them over the top. Their friends meeting you, having a laugh with you, buying you a beer, that still didn't get her to the place she wanted to be. So. And again, that's from your side of things. I can understand this doesn't feel good to hear. I can understand that. But I'm just giving you that. You take pride in knowing you did all the right things. Try not to get too down on yourself, because this wasn't the match. It just wasn't the match for them. And honestly, you would have. It wouldn't have been the match for you. Over time, you would have been clawing at what's going on. Why am I not connecting? Why is it so? Why did the lip balm not speak to her in the way it spoke to me? Mailbag Monday. Back next week, boom.