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The JTrain Podcast
Do I tell my boyfriend he's on the spectrum? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder, you've got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from the West Village, Manhattan. That's right. Every Monday is a mail bag Monday, where you, the listener, write emails to me, the podcaster and comedian, and I give you advice and perspective. That's the show. And all we need to have this show keep running is your emails. Send in your emails. Life, questions, relationships, dumb. Anything. Anything that you might be afraid to ask. A friend, a coworker, a brother, sister, mama, papa. We want those emails. And here's where you send them. Jtrain podcast gmail.com. that's jtrain podcastmail.com. that's been the email for literally, like a decade now. So go, go, go. Email, email, email. Also, you can DM us @j Train Podcast. I'm putting out videos and clips like the clip. Comment on it. Give what you think about the advice. Give some answers. Touch it, feel it. That's what makes the clip go viral. Viral. Viral. I don't know. I'm not. I mean, I'm just. I'm not. I'm not like, sitting here praying for virality. All I'm just saying is that if you like it and you comment on it, it helps find other people just like you. Wasn't that the PBS thing when you gave p. This show is brought to you by people just like you. That's got. Isn't that what it was? I could look it up. People just like you. Good way to start the show if someone's new. Listen, I. I won't. I won't look it up. You can tell me. So if you want to be part of the show. J train podcast gmail.com if you want to sign up for the Patreon, the Patreon gets you that fifth day coffee with J train. Patreon.com Jared Freed, if you're listening right now, I don't even know what the Patreon is. I'm taping this on Memorial Day, so I'll get to the coffee with J Train later. I did talk about going out with a Sports Illustrated model. That was. That sounds douche year than the Patreon actually is. It is an inside look at what it's like to get set up to go on a date with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and Dancing with the Stars person, Brooks Nader. So go sign up for the Patreon patreon.com Jared Free. You can hear the whole story. I'm on the road. I just went to San Jose. Thank you to all that came to those shows. Really helpful shows. What do you mean by helpful? Helpful is like, you know, the, the crowds are really good and they let the material breathe a little bit so that I could kind of workshop and make it better and think through it. So they were a very giving audience, I would say. So. San Jose, thank you. I am coming to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I'm coming Pittsburgh. Come on. A Penn State boy comes home. So that's such a. It's such a stretch. Huntsville, Alabama. Manchester, Connecticut. London, London, London. England. Stanford, Connecticut. Bloomington, Indiana. Brea, California. Spokane, Washington. Denver, Colorado. San Francisco. I'm coming back to the west coast. East. Providence, Rhode Island. That's Providence to me. Kansas City, Missouri. Richmond, Virginia. Jared free.com for tickets. That's our announcements. We got two emails in front of me. I got one ad. I'll do the ad in between the emails. Let's get right into it. That's what you come for. You know, this is, this is a daily show. So every five days a week you got an episode there waiting for you. So the promise is 20 minutes. That's the promise I've always given. So I don't, I don't like to harp on that. I saw one comment once that was like, he keeps talking about the 20 minutes. I was like, I didn't know this was. It wasn't like, I was like trying to get to 20. I've gone mostly 30. I'd say, I would love to know the average time of this show. I don't even know what the average. I would say 33 minutes. If that's probably higher. 31 to 33. I would say the average. I don't know. I'm referencing one. Com. I don't know. They made it sound like I'm on TikTok trying to get to it. You know, if you don't know this, I love telling people this. If you get over a minute, you can monetize. That's why you watch a lot of TikToks where they're like, I gotta tell you this story. Oh my God. It was dramatic. You know, they weren't used more important words. So traumatic. I'm like dying right now. You wouldn't believe what happened 20 seconds in. They don't even have a minute story. They're not even creative enough to make their 15 second story fun and awesome for a minute. That's how Fraudulent. So many tick tockers are. I, I'm in a ranty mood. Okay, I'm sorry, I, I, I'm sweaty. I just did a boot camp class on Memorial Day. I got a pack. I'm, by the time this comes out, if I, I will be living in Delray Beach, I'm going to be there for the summer. At a minimum, I'm going to check it out. That's my whole thing. So I'm packing the place today after I'm done with this, so maybe I'm a little nervous. Okay. Jared Feather. Feather. I'm a 38 year old female and I've been with my boyfriend, male, 40, for about four and a half years now. 38, he's 40. Four and a half years. We were a Covid relationship, and sometimes I wonder if we would have made it this long if it were otherwise. Okay, we're, we're kind of. You know, it's funny when I read these emails where you start to make assumptions just based on the way it's written. We all make assumptions, we all judge. We all judge, but we don't care. I think that's the problem when people are like, I don't judge. No, you judge. You just don't care. You know, the, when I hear 38, female, 40, male, boyfriend four and a half years, I go, what's happening here? Why aren't you married? You'd say, well, Jared, you're thinking the old way. Don't make assumptions. That's how we all think. And then you say your Covid relationship, and you wonder if you would have made it this long otherwise. I, to me, Covid relationship. If you were married and said, I don't know why we'd have made it this long, I would. That's the only reason we made this long. I would understand it because in Covid, things move quicker, either, you know, closer or farther apart. And to me, you would be in something this long because of COVID because you got married, but you're not. So while I love him and can't imagine my life without him, okay, that to me should be the end of the email. I love him, can't imagine my life without him. So what's the problem here? I do have some wondering about our future. I realized that he might be on the spectrum, and this is where Covid I realized that he might be on the spectrum, and this is where the COVID relationship kicks in. We didn't spend much time with my friends or family for the first year or so, and, and his family lives about three hour flight away. So I didn't get to see how he interact with other people because it was usually just us two when we spent time together. Okay, this makes some sense. I do think it's 2025 now and yes, you say, well, we got together, we got so close over that time that then you get into the, the rat race of life and you're just together and you kind of forget. I can understand how it gets this far along. He misses how he interact. Okay, so I didn't get to see how he interacted with other people because he usually, he was usually just us two. We spent. When we spend time together, he misses certain social cues and it's definitely more noticeable when we're with other people. I think he is his truest self when it's with just me and him. He's silly and loving in a different way compared to when we are around others. I know this is also something. I know this also has something to do with the first couple of years and my mom and best friend making it known that they didn't think he was good enough for me. Well, that can make someone act differently when they're around those people specifically and maybe transfer that anxiety to the other people in your life. You know, if, if someone's mom and best friend didn't think I was good enough for them, I would assume that's kind of the talk amongst the whole group. I would go, oh, and, but you say he's on the spectrum. Maybe that's not a way someone on the spectrum would think to, you know, I don't know. I, I don't know. Funny enough, I did write into you about the situation. I think you told me that they may might be seeing something that I wasn't. And I think this might have been it. I remember this email. This is a, this is another email. I do remember you said they didn't think they were the person was good enough for you. I do remember we did this one. He's brought up a few times that he's met somebody that was on the spectrum and that he noticed, but they were. He's brought it up a few times that he's met somebody that was on the spectrum and that he noticed, but they were cool and he's become friends with them. The way he brought it up to me though, made me wonder if he was hinting at it about himself though. So I say all this to ask, how do I bring this up to him? I, I think it would be beneficial to get him tested and maybe have him see a therapist or somebody that could help him with the future social situations. It wouldn't affect how I saw him or how I loved him. Because honestly, I live if I secretly know something he doesn't about himself. Is this something that you would want to know? Thank you for any advice or thoughts. Potential lover on the spectrum. I this one's tough for me and I want to be respectful of anyone who is on the spectrum. I want to be respectful of anyone who has autism. And because I do think let me start by saying I feel uncomfortable so that maybe you'll give me some leeway that if I say something wrong, if you are in this community or your family or you have loved ones, I don't want you to think that I'm just like spouting off because I'm just one guy with a mic. And this is kind of the problem people have with people with podcasts that they just talk and talk and talk and think they're. And just by the nature of having a podcast, you think you're an expert. I am no expert. I'm reading this email and I'm going by my own personal experience. I have noticed a couple things about the whole spectrum conversation that it has been normalized to the point where it seems as though people are self diagnosing and they're using it to make it an excuse for how they act with other people where they've never gone to a doctor, they've never gone to a therapist to investigate this thing that they've said about themselves because it's kind of gives them this special snowflake version of themselves that they can. It's a branding opportunity. And the only reason I say this is because I've put up things. I put up a thing about I and I talked about this on I think Patreon. I put up a video if you go look it up about how I was on a date and I talked to a girl about ice and how important ice shape and cups and all that stuff. And I thought it was funny because one I do have, I do care about ice shape. And I'm laughing right now because I get because all these people kept like saying someone's got the tism autistic on the spectrum when you're on and people felt just very comfortable in a way that I thought I didn't think it was mean, but I was like, I thought you weren't allowed to do this. I thought there was, you know, you don't just go diagnosing other people and these are comments section. This is Instagram and TikTok. So I understand that's different. But I just couldn't believe the way the taste of how people categorize me. I, and I in no way feel that I am autistic. I do agree there's a spectrum, and I think there's a spectrum for everything. I think there's a spectrum for autism and sexuality and all these things that, you know and, and friendship and, you know, people, whether you're just you as a human, you're on a spa, I don't know. Everything to me is a dimmer switch and not an on off switch. And so it does feel like this is something people use as a way in to a conversation that's more difficult, a way out of a conversation that's more difficult. To me, that's the taste of your email. Whether he's on the spectrum or not, whether he's hinted at it, I can't speak to that. You've written to me before and you said you're with a guy that you love and you can't see a future with, but you start to want that. You can't imagine your life without you love. And I can't imagine my life without him. And now you're wondering about your future. I think you're avoiding talking to him. I think you're writing into me a second time now about this thing that makes you feel badly. You feel badly that your partner seemingly can't get along with the important people in your life and he might not be making an effort. And now instead of talking to him, and I hope you understand, like, I'm not just like throwing away your claims of autism, but I think that's part of the conversation. I don't think that's the whole conversation. I think that's you taking away your feelings and the thing that you need to work through with him by saying, well, if I send him to the doctor and the doctor tells him that he has this thing, then maybe he'll understand himself in a different way and he'll be a different person. You're. It is. It is this thing of like you, you're trying to change your partner seemingly. And I'm talking through this as I'm reading the email. I don't know if my opinion would change if I took a minute to think with this, but I'm just reading. How do I bring this up to him? You're. And you're talking about his. And then you say, well, it's my thing that I You know, when you say it's my thing that I've always thought secretly, but I've never discussed with him, to me, that's you like trying to place him in a, put him in a place, you know, that's you trying to like, look at him from this different perspective. That isn't a turn off. The things that turn you off about him. You're like, well, if I look at it this way from the angle that he has some version of autism that has been undiagnosed. Well, that's why I love him and I don't have to not. And now I don't have to talk to him about these things that really bother me. It's okay to be bothered. I think also it's okay to be bothered by something with your partner and work through them and be together on the other end and be better for having worked through it. I think, you know, the, the, the fear is, will he work on it? Will he want to work on it? And then you kind of find out, and now you find out that he doesn't want to work on it. And now you're with someone that this is who they are. That's like, you know, I'll relate this to why I, you know, to me. You're avoiding a discussion. I saw this thing on Tick Tock the other day. It was like a motivational speaker and I was thinking like, if this is fake, like, this is hilarious. And like, wouldn't it be funny if you just started like inventing facts to like, make people like, believe that they should, you know, take on their own fears? This guy was like, you know, buffalo, when there's a storm coming, buffalo run towards the storm. Because if you run towards the storm, that's the, that'll make it so it's quicker to get out the other side. And I was like, yeah, how did the buffalo, do they have a meteorologist? How do they know the storm is coming? Like, I had this whole thing of like, but, but it's, the imagery is so correct that you go, who cares about the facts or not? You're right. I should run through the problem instead of avoiding it. If I go around the storm, it'll take longer going through the storm. If the buffalo do this, good for them. I guess. I, I'd like to see the buffalo mortality rates during storms. I don't know. I, I, I kind of want to see a hidden camera of a, I would love a GoPro attached to a buffalo so I can see that. That'd be fun. That's a great, you know, YouTube or TikTok. But I. Besides the facts of it, the imagery is correct, and I think this is you. You're a buffalo going around the storm. The storm is. And this is the second time you've written to me. Is that. And again, you keep making excuses. Well, I didn't know how he was with other people because it was Covid. It was just him and I. When he's around me, he's so loving and fun, but the people in my life don't seem to like him and see that side of him. But it must be because he has autism. Like, it. It feels like you're just making excuses instead of, hey, let's have a discussion about how we interact with the outside world that isn't just us. How do you see us moving forward? And listen, I don't know who's avoiding marriage or whether you two have discussed. We just want to be dating. We don't want to put, like, a contract on this, which is fine, too. I would assume that that's part like it. It. It feels like you're being very precious with this relationship, which is something I can relate to completely. This idea that everything has to be perfect before I can move forward. You're probably, you know, you're 38, I'm 40. We're the same generation. We Google the place before we go. We make sure everything is safe before we leave the house. And that kind of feels like what you're doing right now, that if you're the one kind of being like, well, I gotta wait on marriage until I figure out if he's autistic so that I can tell people. That's why you don't like my boyfriend. See, it was autism the whole time. And I kind of just don't buy that. And listen, there are people all. There's a. Again, it's a spectrum. And there's a lot of people who deal with autism in their own life that have relationships. They're working through it. It's not easy for them. They have this thing in their life that they work through. Listen, again, if we're on the spectrum, and you know, I'm not going to say. I'm just saying we all have our things. And I think when you put these. And again, I only notice this because of how comfortable people were saying that I was autistic. And I'm sitting here, listen, I'll say one thing about me. I think, why do people do comedy? And why do you do stand up? There's nothing I feel More than the room. There's nothing I'm more aware of than the room. I think that's the opposite of autism. Or maybe that's. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, if you're going to say, like, unawareness is what makes people autistic, I don't even know. I told you again, I don't want to sound like flippant to people who actually have this. And I think there's way less people who are diagnosed than the people saying they are. So when people were all throwing that kind of distinction on me, it felt like they were, like, proud of it. Now, let me go to another thing. If you guys have a talk and you ask a question, is this something that you would want to know? How do you bring it up to him? I think maybe in the conversation of, like, hey, when we hang out with my friends and family, it isn't, hey, when we hang out with my friends and family, you don't get along with them, and I. I don't think we can be together. It's. I get really upset. Let's talk through this. If he said. And then if the autism conversation comes up, I. I do think a diagnosis can make someone's eyes open to something and go, oh, my God, this is why I've acted this way and that way. And it might make them a more comfortable person in their own body, and then they'll. They can go to someone that can give them the tools to be in public with people and kind of work through these public situations. Also, he may never be that person that you saw yourself being with. He may never be that person. And again, I don't think you. And this is something I have to deal with. It's funny, like, I have this, like, vision of my life as I live a completely different version of my life. And it's like, there's a point where you kind of have to give up that vision a little bit. And I say that I've been having this conversation with myself a lot. Like, you know, for me to go, oh, I gotta be with. You know, I want to have kids, and I want to get married, and I want to, you know, maybe move to the suburbs. And then I'm sitting here going, well, you're 40, and you did life a different way. Why would you have the same life that you had growing up when you didn't even live the same way? You know what I mean? Like, I made all these decisions that were different. Why would I assume I would come to the same conclusion. You too. You made these decisions that were different. You. You dated someone that maybe you didn't see yourself dating. Okay, well, why would it be the same now? Why would the results be the same? I don't know. J train podcast@gmail.com. j train podcast, gmail.com we have sponsors and all the sponsors are in the description of the episode. Support the sponsors. If they support you and then they support the show, that's kind of a great thing about this thing. But, but you, if you hear something and you go, oh, I could use that in my life. Use the code. We all want to. We all want to eat bread. Like to me, Hero bread is the perfect sponsor. You want bread, you buy it every week. You want to be healthier, you think about it every week. Get the hero bread. It's better for you bread. We all want to be able to eat bread without needing to up go up a pant size. Hero bread has you covered with bread that tastes amazing and won't pack on the pounds. Hero bread has ultralight, ultra low net carbs, zero grams of sugar and a ton of fiber. It even keeps that fluffy texture you love. It's everything that's good about bread and nothing that's not. I love herobread. I have it in the freezer. The bagels are great, the toast is great. You want a sandwich and this gets you there. And I say get you there. That's crazy. It tastes just as good. It's really good. Whether you're working on getting more fiber in your diet, cutting back on sugar, adding more protein, or counting your calories, Herobred can help. Check out their small batch drops of fun items like the hero Croissant to mix up all your everyday meals. Don't you want a croissant that's just a little bit better? Keeps you fuller, longer with extra fiber. Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co. Use code J train at checkout. That's J train at H E R O Co. We got one more email. Mailbag Monday. We're here every Monday. Share with a friend. Tell a friend about this show that you love. I met a lot of J Train listeners last few days. It's been really nice. J Train, you're awesome. I love you forever. Well, thank you. Here's my question. This past year I started taking pole dancing classes to get over a bad breakup and also to get myself in shape. This is like the plot of a rom com. Turns out I love it and these classes have become My safe place. Love it. The cool thing I do. The cool thing that I do, that is just for me. This is great. Now I have a friend who wants to join. Oh, the friend who wants to join. This thing that you have going on that's already good and comfy, cozy. I get it. I don't even need to read anymore. I'm going to. But I'm just saying you have the walk that you do alone. You have this like. And again, that might change. Who amongst us doesn't go to like a, like a coffee place? And you got yourself set up with your coffee and your phone and you're like, ah. And then you see someone walk in and you're like, oh, shit. And it's not because you don't like them. It's not because you don't want them to sit with you every, every other day. But you're like, this was like, I had this whole plan for this. And you with your pole dancing class, I can understand. You got a friend that wants to join and then you write, am I an asshole for not wanting her to do this with me? No, you're not an asshole. It's uncomfortable. I think you can't stop her from doing it. I think you can. And listen, I am not saying that I'm good at this. I am just saying putting up boundaries. Some people are better than others. I think people who put up boundaries, they create more enemies than I do, but they probably have closer relationships. They're probably a lot happier than I am. So this is me telling you, like, I wish I was better with boundaries. Because you write, I know I'm being selfish and I know I can't gatekeep an entire dance form, but it's my cool thing. The cool part is something you got to let go of. I do understand, like, this is who I am. This is my brand. I'm the pole dancing girl. That's something that you won't be able to. I do think the boundaries of, like, this is what I do in my free time. I like to go to the class. I don't really want to talk to too many people. I get that the my cool thing is kind of where this email goes differently. I'm different. I'm definitely insecure. I'm definitely insecure about my body. So part of the problem is that I know I'll feel self conscious once she joins. I've really enjoyed the fact that other people at pole class don't know who I am. So if I look stupid or can't do Something, it doesn't really matter. I understand that once my friend joins, that changes. Please help. How can I go about this so that our friendship isn't damaged? This is a tough one. Important context. This is a friend who recently got engaged while I am single. I don't know if that changes anything, but part of me is like, why can't she just let me. Why can't she just let me have this one? It feels like she's invading something that's mine. Love pole dancer doesn't want to share. Well, the context does matter because it was going to be something I was going to assume because I was like, why would you feel self conscious as a friend? And to me, you're doing a lot of comparing because when you say they're engaged and I'm single, that is you directly comparing and saying engaged is doing better, me, single, doing worse. I disagree with you, but I can't tell you how to feel. That is. The theme of this podcast is that I can't look at you and go, that's stupid to feel that way because you feel that way. There's nothing I can say. And I get, I get it. You're in this class. You get to look stupid. You're. You get to wear whatever you want. You don't have to explain yourself to anybody. I've watched women say hello to each other. It's just this big. Every hello is this big down fest of telling each other how, oh, my God, look at me, I'm horrible. Look at this clothes. Oh, don't even look at me. I can't even believe I left the house this way. You look amazing, though. Look at your shirt. Look at your pants. Where did you get those shoes? It's so weird, but it is what you do. So I do understand that you go to this class where you know nobody. You don't have to do the song and dance, the fake routine of like, oh, my God, you look amazing. I look horrible. Don't even look at me. I can't even believe I left the house today. Who could ever love me? And no one ever does because I'm single and you're engaged. Like, you don't even want to do that. You want to go to this class hood on. You want to. You want to walk in like you're JLO getting ready for the big concert tour she's going on. And then you want to take off that sweatshirt and go from the. The cocoon to the beautiful butterfly that you are, and you want to twirl in the pole and then leave in your sweatsuit, all curled up, back into the cocoon, big old ugly caterpillar, without having to explain why you made the clothing decisions and why you made the decision to go to the pole class and how you don't even feel great. You just want to go. And I get that. I don't know if there's a fix. I talked about, you know, having boundaries. What do you say to her? Hey, can you go to different classes than me? I think this will run itself out. I think I. You can't tell them not to go to the class. You can go to a different class. But why should you change your life? You were there first. You. This is really tough because it's me asking you to stop feeling the way you do. Because I. I just hear what you're saying, and this is all comparison, this whole thing. If you didn't feel because you like that you don't know anyone in the class, so you don't have to assume anything about anyone. So you don't have to think of, like, well, that person's hot and they're engaged and they're good at pole dancing, and I'm this seal flopping on the ground who can't even get on the pole as well as them. Yeah, with. Without that extra stuff and with this person joining, it's almost like a bar has been put up and it's a mirror that you don't want to have to look in and you didn't have to look in before they joined. I think maybe you get ahead of it. Maybe that's the boundaries thing might be helpful. And this is advice I'm giving, but I'm like, I don't even think. I could never do it. You let them know, hey, I think it's awesome that you're doing the pole dancing class. I love doing it, but I also kind of just go to my own place in it. So I don't want you to think that I'm ignoring you or not happy to see you, but I hope you can understand if I'm like, running in, running out, and this isn't really a social space for me. I. I think maybe that's saying that to them ahead of time. Even worse is they recently got engaged, so they're like, shredding for the wedding. So they're come. They're, you know, once the wedding happens, they're never going to be in a pole dancing class again. But they're looking to do a bunch of fitness classes to get ready for the wedding, and they're trying to change it up so they're doing a bunch of different things. This will be short lived. I believe so. I mean, can that help you to know that it's not forever? They're only. But I don't, I'm, I guess the only way I can help is to tell you that you're not being fair to yourself by comparing yourself to engaged woman at the pole dancing class. This, that doesn't mean they're happy. That doesn't mean they're doing better than you. That is everyone is on their own journey and in their own heads and anxious to no ends and doesn't know where their life is going to go even though theirs seems more. That's the beauty of, you know, I think for a lot of people of getting married. Okay, I got a place, I'm going. The road leads towards. And then they get married and they go, oh my God, what was this all for? I guess we're just put together for the rest of our lives. There's no more things to plan. We're jealous. They have a plan. I don't know. I, I, I'm not sure if this is helpful. I, maybe it's helpful to understand that like I get it, like this is annoying but I would say this isn't about the pole dancing class. And I think the one thing, it's my cool thing. Something you wrote. You wrote specifically, but it's my in capital letters cool thing. You're cool no matter whether you take the pole dancing class or, or not. And you know that. You don't need me to tell you that. I think the one thing I. This isn't what makes you cool is, is, is, is my thing. This isn't, well, she's getting engaged, but I do some pole dancing. Nobody's thinking that except you. So I don't know if that helps. I, I hope that does, I do understand. Oh my God. I gotta do this whole song and dance with this person. I gotta fake it. Stop. Maybe stop faking. Stop faking it. Go to the class. Stop apologizing for what you're wearing. Stop apologizing for what? Maybe that will translate into a less comparative type of lifestyle. Jtrain podcast gym.com. back next week. Boom.