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The JTrain Podcast
Help me stop being the "single friend" - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right. Everybod Monday is a mail bag Monday. We need your emails. That's what we need. We need your emails. That's how this show goes every Monday. We take listener emails and we give you advice. That's all we're doing. That's the. That's the show. It's a quick and easy show. This is a daily podcast. Monday's mailbag Monday. Tuesdays Tik Toff Tuesday where listeners complain. Chitchat Wednesday every Wednesday where I have a guest on to just chitchat Thursday pop culture Thursday. Friday is Patreon Coffee with J Train. That is my personal diary. If you want to listen into the. The goings and comings, comings and goings of my life. That sounds so much weirder as goings and comings, comings and going sounds normal. But maybe because we say it, who knows? Chicken or the egg? Egg or the chicken. We don't say it that way. Listen, if you have an email that you want to send. Oh, so coffee with jj. I got. I got off course with chickens and eggs. If you want to be a part of the Patreon which supports this show, that Patreon. Listen, there's ways to support this show. I don't have to go into them every week or every. Every episode. But. Patreon.com Jared Free. That's five bucks a month. I consider you guys like investors to the show. That's a way of getting the show to keep going and stay afloat. We have sponsors, so you can support those too. I'm gonna get right into it. Your emails are important, though. That's a way to support the show as well. If you have a problem, an issue. Just a thought. If you're thinking about something and you think, ah, let's hear what Jared has to say about it. J train podcastmail.com so the. These are all free ways to help the show right into the show. J train podcast gmail.com Sign up for Patreon. That's not a freeway. You can. Five bucks a month gets you one gets you the Friday episode. Subscribe to the YouTube. That is a very helpful way to help the show. A helpful way to help the show. I My language. I'm. I'm listening. I'm here in paradise. Delray Beach, Florida. I was here all weekend. It was one of the few weekends I've been here, which is. It was. It was a dream. Fourth of July. If you want to hear about my Fourth of July, my weekend in Delray beach, you'll hear about that on Patreon. It's waiting for you right now. Mailbag still seen as the single entertainment. Let's get right into it. Jared Feather. Feather. This might be a problem. I walked into myself. Listen, most of our problems are created by how we act, how we operate, and that's okay. That's okay. Who you are. You know, sometimes your problem is something you keep repeating and it's just you. And maybe it's about shifting the perspective. Maybe you're never gonna change. I, I have that with me, myself. I have that with, like, my eating. I'm like, you know, if I, you know, when I eat something, like, I just made breakfast. I made four eggs. If there's a nutritionist listening, hold your ears. Because in my mind, I had, I had to shift my perspective with eating. I made four eggs. I made Dave's killer bread. English muffin. Okay, so you can add these calories up. One slice of American cheese scoop. And I hate the word scoop when used for food, but I'm going to use it here. Scoop of cottage cheese. Scoop of cottage cheese might be the most disgusting phrase ever said in the history of the English language, but okay, so if you're counting calories, that's 7140. That's, you know, 280 for the eggs plus another, let's call it 150 for the cottage cheese. Let's call it another hundo. So 280, three 80, four 80, plus the one, you know, the 50. We got a 450 calorie breakfast on a low end. Add the cheese hundred. And I was thinking about this and I'm going, jared, shut your fucking mouth. There is not a number of eggs that I could eat that would make me this, like, different person, you know, Hate my body more or less. You know, I just don't think there's an amount of eggs. Eggs. Like if someone said you should have three eggs instead of four eggs, I think we're being penny wise, dollar foolish. The enjoyment I get out of having a meal and being full is, is way more than the, than the 70 calories I lost from taking away an egg. You know, this is the perspective I'm talking about. So when it comes to, like, I walked myself into this issue, maybe you got to keep walking into Those issues and look at it a different way. That's my, that's my positivity on a Monday morning. Here we go. Two years ago, during the final stretch of my masters, I grew close with three classmates through high stress group projects and competitions. Competitions. Okay, we bought, do they have like spelling bees? We bonded quickly and still hang out every few months. The dynamic is fun, full of teasing. We're all in long term relationships now. This is a very fun group. I, I like this group because you guys are getting your masters. You, you, you, you, you commiserate over the difficulty of the getting the masters, which is something people outside of your profession or you're learning, you know, your curriculum that people can't understand. This is to me the same as pledging a fraternity. As stupid as that is, you guys know. Well, it's as stupid as going on the Bachelor. Like those people. You go. How did they become friends so quickly? Well, they went through something that no one can understand, not even me. Who yells at the Bachelor? Okay. When we first met, I was newly single and shared a few funny, chaotic dating stories. A taco line, romance in Mexico, a bad poetry guy, that kind of thing. Then I started dating my now boyfriend. Less cinematic. Met at school and we're happily together, even buying a house. Well, congratulations. I kind of see where this is going. You, you titled this still seen as the single entertainment. I, I, I'm not going to get ahead. Let's, let's read the email. But every time I see this group, they still ask for new dating stories. Oh. Seems like this group has very little to talk about if they're going to you for new dating stories. I, I have to say, sometimes a group is all built in nostalgia. Remember high school? Remember master's degree? Remember college? Remember? Oh. Ah. You got any new, what? Do you got any new dating stories? Like, no, I'm, I'm in a happy relationship. Fuck off. Don't we have anything else we can start talking about here? Um, I laugh it off. Sorry, I'm taken. But the teasing continues. One friend joked, Five months, that's like 10 years in your world. I know, it's playful. Oh, you got a boyfriend for five months and you're perfectly happy and you're gonna buy a house together. Oh, we'll see. Lose. We'll see a lot. We know how you like being out there in the single world and sucking on a bunch of titties. You know, like, I, I get this. As someone who has been single and dating and single and dating and in relationships out of relationships where my life, I mean, I get this. As a podcaster who talks about dating, it's hard, it's hard when you're like, this feels more serious than I can even talk about. I, I, I, I get this. That's like 10 to say five months to lessen someone that you've told them is important to you. I, I, and it sounds like you say, I'm taken. I don't know how much you've told these people. Like, this person is. And you might, is important to you. You might be holding off on that because you're like, listen, it's a real relationship. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to say. But you said to me, you're buying a house. I mean, you're, we're in a long term relationship where the dynamic no happily together and you're buying a house together. So this is serious. You are literally buying the house. I know it's playful, but it bugged me. I, I get it. I, I think I get why it bugs you. Because there's an insecurity you for having dated and been single. And I'm not saying this is true, but I could see why this would be an insecurity for you. You feel, not that this is true, but you feel less than they're poking fun at. You were the last to get a serious relationship because you couldn't figure it out. They could figure it out and now they're po, they're bringing it up again when you've moved on from that, you know, I, I had someone bring up something from my past and I was like, really? Like, that's what you're taking me down a notch with, you know, and I'm being vague, but it's a, like a long story. But like, I've had people do that to me and I, I get where your insecurities are coming from. You know, like, again, I'll, I'll bring up for comedy. Remember when you did that show and there were like four people there and it's like, I got a Netflix special now. You know, like, I, you and you can't say that. Remember when? And it's the remember when friend that has nothing to talk to you about. Hey, we used to go to your show. You did. I have this. And it's meant as a compliment. I remember I was out at a birthday party. There are a couple friends that I saw from college and they're like friends of friends, but they're people that like, easy to fall back in with it. And I see them and one of, you know, the husband is like, oh, I remember your West Village bit. And it was a bit that I. I haven't done. It was the bit used to be. And it was one of the first bits I ever did. And I probably did it at a show where I invited all my friends. And, you know, I'm at the beginning. This is again 15 years ago. And the bit was like that I went and looked at apartment in the West Village in New York City. And it was so expensive that the apartments were so small that I had a mini fridge. And. And I joked to the person who showed me the apartment. I go, where's the living room? And then the. The broker, with no irony whatsoever, he goes, well, the West Village is your living room, sir. That's where you would hang out. And I just thought it was funny that they would say the West Village is your living room. And I was like. And I did this whole bit where I was like, the West Village is your living room, and the, and the, you know, and. And the park is your bathroom, and in the Starbucks is your bathroom. Like, it was like this whole bit about how stupid that is or how cheesy that is to say to someone, it's 15 years ago. I'm seeing this person at a bar four months ago, and they're bringing this up, and I kind of got this, like, stomach turn feeling. And I know it's my insecurities, but I'm like, that's all you know about me. That's all the comedy you took away from me. This is a bit I wouldn't tell on stage. I'm telling it on. I'm half telling it on a podcast, but I'm like, embarrassed to even have told the bit. And that's the thing about Stand up. And I'll relate it to your story. But in Stand up, you are going on stage and you're saying to a group of people, I think this is funny and interesting. And when they don't laugh, they. You go, oh, I guess you all disagree and you become embarrassed of these bits. And then you get better over time and you improve. And then you want people to see your new bits that you're proud of that represent who, who you are right now. And for you, you know, you told that story way back when, you made fun of your single life and you told these things that at the time, I'm sure you weren't embarrassed about. You were like, this is my life. This is funny to me. And they thought it was funny at the time, and now they're bringing it up again. You're like, don't you know me now? Don't you? I have things I'm proud of now. I have this boyfriend. I'm buying a house. What are you talking about? I totally understand your insecurity. I hope you feel seen from these kind of tidbits and stories, because I understand that why they do this. And again, the people that were at the birthday party, they're just trying to say we. They remember the bit because they liked it, because they, they're thinking about you, but they also haven't been caught up on you. They have their own lives. So just like your friends. I didn't hide my relationship. He's on my. Okay, so, like, it's 10 years and you're. But every time I see this group, they'll still ask for new dating stories. I laugh it off. Sorry, I'm taken. But the teasing continues. One friend joked, Five months, that's like 10 years in your world. I know it's playful, but it bugged me. I don't hide my relationship. He's on my Instagram, and I've mentioned him here and there, but I hold back from gushing partly because I don't want to seem like I'm bragging again. That's your insecurity that you're placing on other people. I'm right. I'm probably not far off in my diagnosis. Because you were insecure when you were single. You felt left behind. You felt behind in some way. And you'd make these jokes at. And you tell these stories as a cover for the insecurity. You'll laugh at it, even though that's where most jokes come from. And now they're bringing it up again. You're like, I'm past that insecurity. But now you're not talking about your own new boyfriend and how happy you are, because that would be bragging. Because you would feel that the person will be bragging. I Again, this is like a look in the mirror moment. And I get it. I have these all the time. So should I say something? No. Um, I think you should start talking about your boyfriend, how happy you are. I think you if they're in relationships or not, this is your life. How's everything going to say, how's everything going? Then go, oh, yeah, I got my guy. I'm still, you know, I, I, I'm taken. No, I'm, I'm with a guy and we're buying a house. Talk about the House that you're buying. Where are you moving? What made you choose it? I think you have to say something about your life and update these people because maybe they're at a loss for words and don't know you because you're holding back. It feels like I've been locked into the single entertainment role. I shared those stories out of trust and now I feel like the punchline thanks, all out of dating stories. I think there's a very important part of your email when you say I don't and it's nothing to do with and I'm happy you wrote it. I don't hide my relationship. He's on my Instagram and I've mentioned him here and there. But I hold back from gushing partly because I don't want to seem like I'm bragging. That's your problem. You're not gushing. You're talking about your life. And if they can't handle that, then they have their own insecurities. And you of all people should know how to talk about these things if you felt behind or being the single one. So you know how to talk about your life without being the gushing one and to ask questions about them. How's. What's going on in your relationship? Where are you do. Where are you moving? Are you moving? Are you living anywhere? Are you living together? I think you're so stuck. And I listen. I think, should I say something that starts with sharing more about your life and how happy you are? Maybe your insecurities with this current relationship, which we all have, that's how you get closer with people. Because these relationships, if they're like, if they're. If you guys are churning for conversation when you get together and part of that churn is tell us more dating stories. When they know you're in a relationship, then this group is done. This group isn't sharing. This group isn't growing. And if you're not growing, you die. Jtrain podcast gmail.com J train podcast@gmail.com. keep sending your emails. Jtrain podcast gmail.Com we are sponsored. We want you to support the sponsors. I. I get people that email me. What's the code? What's the code in the description of the episode? Summer days are way better when your hair looks amazing. Let Neutrophil get you there. Neutrophil is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over 1.5 million people. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months. With Neutrophil, everyone's root causes of hair thinning is different. That's why Nutrafol has multiple formulas designed specifically for what's going on with you, whether it be stress hormones or your lifestyle. I will say this. My mom is, is a user of Neutrophil. She loves it, she's using it. She sees a difference. And my mom doesn't just use things for the sake of using them. If she doesn't like a product, she stops right away. She is enjoying this product and what works for my mom will be different. Might not work for you. That's why Neutrophil has different formulas. That's, that's an amazing thing. It's time for the locks of your dreams. Start your hair growth journey with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Neutropol is offering J train listeners $10 off you your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to neutrophil.com use promo code Feather. Find out why Neutral is the best selling hair growth supplement brand@ Nutriful.com spelled n u t r a f o l.com promo code feather that's Nutriful.com promo code feather. I will add on to this ad section. I am on the road. If you are in. I'm going to be in Bloomington, Indiana and then I'm coming around the country. Go to my website, see where I'm going. Go. There's so many cities. Make it a night with the group chat and if you know someone in a city that I will be traveling, let them know about the show. I got a whole new hour from the Netflix special. I have a whole new hour from the family business store. I keep writing, I keep putting material together. It's a fun show. I listen. I, I am a stand up comedian first and that's why I believe that I'm good at doing this podcast. That's why I think you should bring friends and family to your show. There's a lot of people doing shows out there. I'm telling you right now. I, I got the show. I come to my show. Listen, I, if you messaged me and was like, and was like, should I go to, you know, here's 10 comedians, I would give you an opinion. I'd be like, that one's good. That one, that one good. That one. Ooh, I'm in the good pile. Okay, so J Train podcast. It's jared free.com for tickets. Let's do one more email. Jared, my husband, I look forward to seeing you at the Denver Colorado Show I cannot wait for Denver. Denver. That's a great room. It's a great room to work on jokes. I have this set that's like six months in. It's very much a newborn child that I want to grow and make better. And that's a great room to do it. I'm writing today about some cat drama. This was called Pussy Problems. It's about a cat. Every time the in laws go out of town, they expect my husband to take care of their cat. They live about 15 minutes from us and want him to go every other day. Huh. This summer they have already taken two trips. They have three more trips planned this summer, one of which is a nine day cruise. As two full time working parents with a baby dog and my husband pursuing an MBA as well. We really don't need one more thing on our plate. They don't ask if we would mind taking care of the cat. It just seems to be expected. This is a tough question because right now I'm like thinking there's not. Because when, you know, I make a lot of jokes about my parents because I love them. I don't make fun of people I, I, I don't make fun of people I don't have love for or I don't make fun of people I hate. I, I try not to. I, because I just don't even think that's fun. It feels mean. When I make a joke. It's about someone that I can understand and see and at least that's how I feel now. I hope that I've done that throughout my joke making career. But because I make fun of my parents a lot. I am on the TikTok algorithm for millennials who go no contact with their parents. And it's the millennial either saying I'm so happy I don't talk to my parents or it's a boomer being like these no contact kids are selfish assholes. And I will say anyone that I see in the no contact parents algorithm seems like the most miserable loser ever in the history of miserable losers. It seems like someone who's stubborn. It seems like someone who is using like very inflammatory language to get you to their side. It feels like they're using, they're making it into, they'll, they'll vaguely reference like listen. And I'm not saying like, like listen, there's abuse, there's real problems. There's real reasons to go no contact with someone or to get someone out of your life. It feels like it's gotten these, these tik toks feel like they've gotten to a point where it's like the tertiary people are getting involved. Oh, my dad didn't play catch with me. He would only play ice hockey. You know, it's like that type of stuff where you go and then they start using like these words that are very volatile and, and high risk and high, high, you know, high impact words I'll call them, where they're saying manipulative and, and, and they're, you know, they're being, they'll use the word abusive in ways that you're like, okay, well I am not here to judge or say what did or didn't happen. But it feels like these people would be, it feels like a 15 minute conversation could get these no contact people on the same page by the look of these videos is my opinion when I see them, I could be wrong. That's my opinion. But I would say this email has the feel of like one of the things that someone would be like, well, my mother in law's done it again. She wants us to watch the cat. And then the mother in law would be like, I put my life and soul into bringing you up and raising you and put my money into you and, and, and fed a family and now I want to go on a vacation. You can't pop your head in to look at our cat every other day, you know, so it feels like a 15 minute conversation where everyone moves an inch would solve every no contact parent video. But this is one of those where I'm like, I think there's a, a nudge pe both sides can do. I don't know if the boomers are going to do it, but I'm talking to you. They don't ask if we wouldn't mind because I kind of agree with the parents. You know, you can't pop in to look at our cat, make sure it's okay. You got one kid, I rose two. You know, they might have, I had three kids and I, you know, and you go, There's a point where you go, I guess, ah, yeah, I guess it's not that big a deal. So. But I'm also seeing it from your side where it's like, listen, we're both working. We don't live in a world where you can have like one working parent. We're both working parents with a kid and a dog. And to go in every other day feels like a lot. And I, I would agree with you too. I'm, listen, I'm a lazy too. I'm not saying you're not lazy. But I'm just saying. And then the. Your next sentence tells me the whole story. They certainly could afford a cat sitter. I think they're just uncomfortable with the idea of a stranger taking care of their cat. Yeah. And they probably like, listen, we got a son. This is why we bought him clothes and put him in baseball practice so that he would love us and have to do these things. My husband feels guilty saying no to them as they, they occasionally provide childcare. Yeah, I'm. This is a tough one. Cuz I, I get what you're saying. If they take care. You know when you say they occasionally provide child care, are, are they at your call if you said if we want a date night, would they take care of the kids? If they would. I think that's kind of even I feel frustrated that taking care of the cat cuts into our already stretched and free time. How can we best navigate this problem? Or am I being unreasonable here? Positively grateful for the advice. I don't think you're being unreasonable. It would annoy me too that, hey, we got a lot going on and you guys are going to the Mediterranean and you're doing. And now we gotta like pop in for five minutes to your house to go, hey, Jinxy, Jinxy, you okay? Okay. Goodbye. Like a cat's pretty self sufficient. So this is really just a pop in. What? I guess I think cats are probably. I don't, I've never owned a cat. I don't have a cat. But I think having the cat at your house for when they go away is probably not the answer here. I do not think you're being. I really do believe that this is a 10 minute conversation. This is a negotiation. And I would hope your parents and you would say to them, hey, is there a way we can do something about how we look after the cat? And I don't even know what the answer is because the answer would mean that. Because they would mean you not looking after the cat and then hiring someone which is what they don't want to do. And then it's, you're the ungrateful one. We take care of the kids every now and again and we give you date nights and all you have to do is pop your head in. It's a 15 minute thing. Maybe here's, here's the solution. And you know there's a solution where you guys do it badly. You, you go in the house and you start eating all their food and you leave a bunch of trash out and they go, they're slobs. We can't, we can't have them looking after the cat. There's a solution where you just do, you go to them and you say hey we don't have time to take care of the cat. But then you would lose out on maybe them helping you with this is why families live close together. You live 15 minutes away. I'm, I'm more on their side every time. It's a. Here's what I would say, here's how you benefit your life. And this might sound like a very hokey solution, but it's a solution I believe in. You cut the cat in half. No, I, I. Here's what you do. You and your husband, well, you got the baby at the house. I think you guys turn this into like family family car time where you and your husband get to talk and you get to take a ride together and you put the baby in the car. I don't know, this might feel like, this might feel like very mayberry of me and not very. I don't listen, I don't got a baby, I don't got a cat, I don't got a wife, I don't got a house, I don't got. So, so for me to give you advice on what you should do about your in laws cat that you have to look after is crazy. I don't got a girlfriend, I don't even have a prospect. I got nothing. I got no money, no house, no parent. My parents don't even talk to me. I can't even. How am I even relating to you? But what I can say in my dreamed up world, that of love and relationships, this is an opportunity for you and your husband to take a 15 minute nice little drive in the summertime where you go get some ice cream and you go check on the cat. How about we do ice cream ride and you do it after dinner. To me this was always the nicest part about summertime with your family. After dinner, you and your baby and your husband, you have dinner. You plan out what you're going to make, you grill, whatever you're going to do. And then after dinner you two are going to go get some ice cream. You're going to get a froyo, couple of cones for the kids, you're going to put the baby in the car and then you're going to go check on the cat, going to go get the froyo, you're going to go to the house, a jinxy twinkle, twinkle on your way. And now you've done it and it becomes a part of your life. I think what your your issue is and then maybe the cat checking turns into family ice cream night when you don't have to do the cat now this becomes a part of your schedule. It doesn't feel like you're stretched thin. It becomes this like meditative family moment. Because I don't think there's a good way of asking her in laws to stop with this cat. I and I also think you're undervaluing the load they take from you as in laws who take care of the kids sometime. So I don't think you want to lose that. I don't think you want that relationship to become passive aggressive. I think for a cat it's not like you have to do a lot when you go check on a cat. It's really a pop in. So why not have your some ice cream in your hand and why don't we go to different ice cream places. Every time we find our favorite, we rank them and it turns into a fun little thing for you and your husband and your kid and you take a picture. Ice cream night becomes your stories on Instagram. I think I just solved your problem. Jtrain podcastmail.com, jtrain podcastmail.com here's the thing. How do you support the show? Like the Instagram page, I'm going to put up a clip. Probably the one of me saying that I have no one in my life. That's probably going to be the clip and I want you to like it, share it. I think I solved your problems. And we'll be back next episode. We'll be back tomorrow. Ticked off Tuesday. Listen in, check it out. Boom.