← The JTrain Podcast
Loading summary
Transcript193 lines
- [00:00]
A
Chit chat Wednesday for you to listen to. I have a guess who will be your new boo. You're gonna love them too. Chit chat Wednesday. I hope you're having a good day today. I hope it's gonna be a perfect week too. I hope you have a nice poo. It's a chat Wednesday too. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train. Jared Freed. Come you live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right. Every Wednesday is a chitchat Wednesday where I sit with a friend, a comedian, an expert. Today we have an expert. Very exciting. An expert in the horrors of dating. And I'm so pumped to have them on. They are the host of the podcast Crime of the Heart. But they have a new book that is out. I think it's out right now. If this as at the time it'll be the just in the episode description. You can go buy the book and. Or do the wait list. But it's coming out October 1st, so I want to make sure you know that so that you can pre order or post order. But the. But you know, we're close enough to the pre order that you're going to get it when you would have gotten it anyways. So the link is in the description. The book is called A Final Girl's Guide to the Horrors of Dating. Rory, uphold. Thank you for coming on the show.
- [01:40]
B
A thank you. Thank you for having me. That was a nice intro.
- [01:42]
A
Of course. It's great to have you. I've been on your podcast.
- [01:45]
B
You have? And people love you.
- [01:47]
A
Oh, that's way too kind. I. I had a great time. Yours is like explain your podcast because it kind of goes in with the horrors of dating kind of theme, right?
- [01:57]
B
A little bit, yeah. I mean, I think that one of the things that like inspired me is that so many people have these horror stories, but we're just kind of supposed to get over it. Like you could date someone. This might not be like the best parallel, but you could date someone for five years. They could cheat on you and break your heart and waste your time, and there's really nothing you can do about it. But if I keep or car, that's a misdemeanor, right? I don't know. 1. One seems worse to me.
- [02:25]
A
Right.
- [02:25]
B
And. And you're just supposed to kind of like get over it. And if you can't get over it, then people are like, what's wrong with him?
- [02:30]
A
Right. And it's also. And then you know, to go back at that a little bit. You go to you know, 2p. It takes two to tango. Like, and I'm not, you know, there's again, like, there's like, it's a tough conversation to have because I don't want to, like, doubt the victim in a. In. In a real, like, horrific, you know, crime sense that something's someone's being like. You know, we have to acknowledge, right, that, like, someone could be in a relationship for four years where they're dealing with abuse and really horrible things. And. But then there's like, this not abuse area that the, you know, in the fun that we're dealing in for the most case. Know, for the most part on this podcast, where it's like, yeah, you were dating someone, you went back to them and they wasted your time. But, you know, did you ask the questions that you should have been asking? Did you believe them when they weren't, you know, someone to believe? You know what I mean? Like, and you go, so do you get to, like.
- [03:31]
B
Like.
- [03:31]
A
Like, it almost makes it seem like we should have like, a Judge Judy for dating that can, like, adjudicate on these things that can be like, you owe her $10,000, you know? Right.
- [03:44]
B
Isn't that you, though? Isn't that you?
- [03:46]
A
Is it me that I could be the judge?
- [03:48]
B
I kind of. You.
- [03:49]
A
I would love that job that I just preside over relationships. They go, we were engaged, and then they broke off the engagement and they said they. Or we were dating for two years, and they said, I plan on getting engaged this summer. And then summer came and they said, they're not ready. So we dated another year, and then they broke up with me. Like, that person might deserve financial compensation of a certain kind, like you said. Do you know what I mean?
- [04:20]
B
Yes, Yes, I fully do. And I think what's so funny about that, and I love your take, is that my book is kind of what you're talking about in that it's a lot of me going through all of the horrors, like, all of the monsters, all of the horrific situations, and then looking at it and being like, okay, but where do I take accountability? Like, how did I perpetuate this? Because at the end of the day, like, if you keep getting back together, you also betrayed yourself. Part of the reason why it hurts so bad is that you kept getting back together with the person that treated you shitty, right?
- [04:53]
A
They are your comfort thing that is bad for you. You know, like, you know, you keep going. You know, you're not dealing with the baggage to unpack. You're not looking at yourself in the mirror. To fix the issue, to fit, you know, to get away from them. You know, that that's a part of it. That. And that's a more interesting book, I think. Right? Like, I mean, so I hope so. So the book. So let's talk about it. Why is it called the Final Girl's Guide to the Horrors of Dating?
- [05:25]
B
Okay. Do you know much about horror?
- [05:27]
A
No.
- [05:27]
B
Oh, okay. So in horror movies, the trope of a final girl is like a. Is a. It's a horror movie trope that in most horror movies there is a girl that survives. Like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween, Neve Campbell and Scream. That's the final girl. She's the last one standing, the last one to confront the killer, the one who lives to tell the tale. So the, the parallel that I made, which there's like a nice double entendre because technically, like when you get married, you're the last girl standing. But also I feel like I've lived through and survived all of the dating horrors and lived to tell the tale. But then I feel like I've collected enough advice to be like, you know, you don't have to do it the way that I did it. Like, and I did up. So there's like things that I ignored. There's a lot of like, self confidence things. Like, I think a lot of times people get into trouble in dating because there's, you know, maybe some self worth issues or things like that.
- [06:24]
A
And boy, some would say that's the whole game is confidence, you know, like that, you know where you, how you see yourself and you know, the people you choose as a result of that. Yeah, that's like the whole thing. So was that.
- [06:40]
B
Yeah.
- [06:41]
A
So I just wrote a book myself. Not to make your book about.
- [06:44]
B
I'm excited about that.
- [06:45]
A
Yeah, I wrote it and it was hard. Was this hard to go back and look at these stories?
- [06:55]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes. Because some of them get. Some of them are pretty dark. Like I did get into an abusive relationship. Not, not funny, not a highlight, Very embarrassing. Not something that like I would normally want to share with somebody because it makes me feel pathetic. And you know, like, I was not raised that way. I was raised by really great parents who gave me a lot of tools. And I'm a. I'm kind of an independent, mouthy woman. Like, you just wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'm not the stereotype of what you would think about that. And yet it happened to me and I had to take a really close look at like, how did that happen and why did that happen and what did that look like? And how many warning signs were there? And when I was getting love bombed, like, just all of it. And yeah. To go back and be like, ah, not only is this so sad, like, I was so sad for that version of myself. Like, I couldn't, I couldn't believe that I let myself ever be in that position. Well, and that's the only reason I wrote about it, because you're gonna help. I truly was like, you know, you're.
- [08:04]
A
Gonna help someone who feels that way about themselves. You know, I, I can't tell you how to feel. I, I, I, I'm sorry you went through that. Like, it, it, But I can understand all those emotions that come with that. Right? Like, I totally, you know, like, I, I, and the, I didn't think it would be me. Like, that's like one of those things you go, I, I think anyone can relate to that with all things in their life that, wow, I'm not, you know, I'm, I'm not even that, you know, and I'm sure you're going to help a lot of people when they read your book.
- [08:36]
B
I also, like, talked a lot about sex and, like, my sexual journey. And again, I did it because, like, I came from a really, I came from a medical household that I consider to be like, sex positive. And even I, like, had turned over my sexual agency. And like, I didn't use condoms for a really long time because I didn't want to be like a buzzkill. Just like, things that were again, like, making myself smaller, trying to be, like, more palatable. Whereas, like, now it's, that's not a thing. But it is kind of embarrassing. It's embarrassing to think like, oh, my God, people I know can read this.
- [09:11]
A
Like, oh, I, I, listen, I think it's going to be great. And I'm sure you're going to, like, I don't know, I, I don't think embarrassment will be the, will be the. Well, I can't tell you. I just think, like, I know that you're going to get people going, oh, my God, I had the same feelings, the same thoughts. And you're gonna feel like, you know, great, you know, like, it's gonna feel nice to have to not be alone in that. I think that's why people buy a book, you know, to hear stories like this and go, wow, I'm, you know, yeah, a crazy.
- [09:44]
B
Wait. So for you, what was, I mean, there's the sheer volume of it, right? Like, a book is like, you know, four Stand up specials, Right? Like, it's. It's insane.
- [09:55]
A
It's a lot.
- [09:55]
B
But outside of that, it's work that.
- [09:57]
A
I don't like doing too. It's like, it's homework. And I've never been good at homework. And summer reading. I've never been good at summer reading. It's all that. It's like standup is like, show up at the party and be, you know, a fun person. You know, like, yeah, sing, dance and dust. This is. Shut your door and be alone and.
- [10:18]
B
Get no validation, no feedback, no nothing, no chuckles. You, like, write a joke that you think is great, and it's just like crickets.
- [10:28]
A
Now I can wait two years to find out if someone liked it. Yeah, it's. Yeah, you know, it's hard. And I, I. You know, the personal stories were really hard for me to, like, even, you know, my personal. Personal stories weren't about, you know, weren't as. You know, these were like a. Dating fun stories, but it was like unpacking, like, what did happen with that person and why didn't it work out? And having, you know, the look, the. The ability to look back at it now as more mature. I'm not. I'm not a mature person, but more mature than I was. And you go, oh. And you're like, you can see, like, I'm sure you did this too, where you see, like, my life could have gone that way, you know?
- [11:14]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [11:15]
A
And you're like, man, I missed that off ramp. And some of those off ramps are pretty good, you know, you have to, like, kind of like, live with that. You go, yeah, I gave up a good. That was a gas station I could have filled up at, you know, like, yeah, you know, I guess I hope there's another one coming down the highway. There's a lot of that, you know, like 100.
- [11:37]
B
Yeah. So I think we had the same. We had a similar experience. I think, like, the. The connective tissue between those moments, too, is also. It makes you just go, like, oh, man, I got. I got some work to do. Or like, you know, like, I. I hope. I hope I figure this out, you know, like, well, I did.
- [11:55]
A
I did. You know, the embarrassment when you talk about embarrassment. My embarrassment when I was writing the book. I'm like, you're not over this yet. Like, it's not over. Like, I'm still talking about this. What? I'm a fucking loser, you know? Like, you're not 40. I'm still talking. Wow. I'm just like, that's how I felt like, you know, writing this, I'm like, I mean like this person. Like, I'm like telling a story about someone who has like a family and kids living in the suburbs. And I'm like, and you know what? Texting isn't that bad. You know, texting dynamic is important. It's like, shut the up, Jared. You know, Like, I so relate to that.
- [12:30]
B
I totally know what you mean. Where you're just like, good God.
- [12:35]
A
Hey, what am I talking about? I'm. I'm old, you know? So. We are sponsored by Herobred. If you've been dreaming about pasta but don't want to derail your health goals, goals you need to try Hero Noodles. With more protein and 60 fewer calories than other brands, you can afford to have a second helping. I love any food that allows me to eat more while being efficient, calorie wise. And that's what Herobred does. Herobred has been making all the breads we love and for less calories and more fiber. So they keep you fuller, longer. Now they're doing that with pounds. Pasta, Hero Noodles, Hero Noodles and I guess Noodles. Pasta. I would ask for pasta, but Hero Noodles, I get it. Okay, listen, this is all to say I love that they're extending the brand and you can have more pasta than you would have had with just regular fuddy duddy pasta. So. And all their stuff is delicious. Tastes just as good as anything else you'd have just with less calories, more fiber and all the good stuff. Hero makes every meal time a breeze with products that consistently pack in the protein without packing on the pounds. They've got bagels with 17 to 19 grams of protein, sliced bread, tortillas, and even croissants that won't kill your diet. I love what they're doing. This is so me you'd honestly never know. It's low net carb and high fiber from the texture. It's soft, fluffy. It's delicious, just like you want it to be. Herobred is a huge favorite for good reason. Keep an eye out for their delicious small batch drops and get on the wait list for any best sellers. Herobred is offering 10. 10, 10. Off your order. Go to Hero Co. Use code J train at checkout. That's J train at Hero Co. We are sponsored by Omaha Steaks. Want to be the hero of friends giving this year? Do some grilling this season and do it with the best meat possible. Omaha Steaks. But they're not just not top of the. But they're not just top of the line steaks anymore. Okay, I'm, listen, I read their ad there. They could write it better, but I'll say it better than they could ever write it. They're not just doing top of the line steaks. Also juicy burgers, chicken wings, dark giant deli style franks. Let me say something about these franks. Absolutely delicious. Better than any you've ever had. They are unbelievable. They are the type of franks that people go, where do these hot dogs come from? Because they know their meats. Every steak is perfectly aged to maximize tenderness and hand cut by master butchers. It doesn't get better than that. I'm going to tell you right now. I got the Omaha Steaks package sent to my parents house. They haven't stopped talking about it. It is one of those things that it is. It also the variety, just so much good stuff that your parents go, what, what are we gonna do? Oh my God. We're gonna have to grill you start planning events. This is the type of gift that someone starts planning their life events with it. Oh, we're gonna have people over. We're gonna do things. It inspires people. Yeah, I just said the word inspire about steaks. I really do believe what I'm saying. Get the Omaha steaks and we're going to give you free money. With five generations of uncompromising quality, Omaha steaks has been America's original butcher since 1917. Save big with Omaha Steaks. Visit Omaha Steaks.com for 50. Yes, you heard me. 50 off site wide and an extra 20 off select favorites during their early Black Friday sale. And for an extra 35 off, use promo code J train at checkout. Terms apply C site for details. That's 50 off at Omaha steaks.com promo code J train at checkout. I so you're in LA. So I, I will, I will say I think women have, I mean, this isn't even a hot take. Women have way more horrific stories than men do in the dating world.
- [16:47]
B
I think so. Yeah. But I, I also think this is my hot take. I think women were groomed to be chosen instead of being taught how to choose. And so a lot of our issues stem from the fact that we're constantly trying to be chosen. And then if we aren't, even if it's not our fault, it gets internalized in a way that can then get perpetuated. Now I think ghosting has happened. Like coasting kind of goes both ways and so that is affecting both people, but just in general, like, like a broad statement and at least for me, like, I would really internalize a lot of the things that happened to me and. And look at it as evidence that, like, oh, if I. If I was better, if I was more lovable, if I wasn't so replaceable.
- [17:35]
A
Report card of a certain kind. Yeah.
- [17:37]
B
Yeah.
- [17:38]
A
Now, are you. Are you dating now? Are you seeing anyone? What's your. What's the deal? What's. What's You. What. What's going on with you?
- [17:45]
B
I'm legally single.
- [17:48]
A
Legally. Okay. How does that work?
- [17:52]
B
Well, I'm unmarried.
- [17:53]
A
But you went. Well, you. Oh, you were. You were married?
- [17:57]
B
No, no, no. I just mean I'm still. I'm still legally single, but I.
- [18:02]
A
The eyes of the government. You're legally single, but you're seeing someone.
- [18:06]
B
Yeah.
- [18:07]
A
How is that going? How did you meet?
- [18:10]
B
I.
- [18:11]
A
What's the deal?
- [18:12]
B
We met at a party in real life.
- [18:16]
A
Love.
- [18:17]
B
Yeah. Met at a party in real life.
- [18:19]
A
About this a lot recently. The. The. In real life, that's truly a miracle.
- [18:24]
B
Like you.
- [18:25]
A
You go even to go to a party.
- [18:28]
B
I got the last like, chopper at a Nam. Yeah. It feels like.
- [18:33]
A
Well, you go to a party, like to go. To get out of the house is a lot like, ugh, I gotta go out. I gotta go drive. I gotta go meet my friends. I gotta get showered, I gotta put on makeup. I gotta do the whole thing. Then you get. There's no one there other than your friends. There's no expectation. Then you get there and you meet someone who you have to be attracted to, who's also single, who says the right things and doesn't turn you off like that. That whole thing is like, pretty amazing.
- [19:04]
B
Yeah. So I'll call him Matt. Just cuz, like, I don't know. He. He didn't sign up for this, so I. I don't know.
- [19:11]
A
Yeah, but how long have you been dating?
- [19:15]
B
Wait, hold on. Sorry. I need to do some quick math. Coming up on a sizable amount.
- [19:26]
A
This guy's really private, huh? You haven't worked this out with. You have more than a year.
- [19:31]
B
No, less than a year. We. We met in March of this year, but we didn't start dating. We. We did. We went on one date and then we didn't start like, dating. Dating for a minute. But I. It's kind of like what you said. I'm the worst. Where I'll. I love, love being invited to the party. Love not going to said party. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, we're.
- [19:55]
A
I feel like you would be. And this is my assumption from following you on social media over the years now that you'd be at a cool LA party, like, I feel like you'd be at a party that would be cool. I feel like based on who we have in common as far as like Instagram is concerned. And these are the assumptions everyone's making about everyone. When you see, like, who are our friends in common? Who are the people? I'm like, we do have cool mutuals party. We have cool mutual friends. So I, and, and I would assume you're at a party with a who's who group of people that this guy, you know, is kind of like being now as a part of a referral base that you would be excited about.
- [20:43]
B
Yes, that is accurate. Everything you said is accurate. I had two parties to go to that night. So it was two birthday parties and I was at, I go to the first party, I show up late. They've rented out a vintage bowling alley in Los Angeles. Well, in Highland Park.
- [21:02]
A
I knew you were cool. I knew you were cool.
- [21:05]
B
And there's, wait, oh my God, who's the photographer that shoots all of the comics? Oh God, they were the photographer. Anyway, like it was, it was a very, it was a very cool crowd. Yes. And I see this guy, well, and I'm talking to my friend Sophia and I, this other girl Sophie and this girl Tara Schuster, who you probably know, who is also an author. And I'm like, chit chatting with these girls and I, I see this guy and I was like, that guy's hot. Just in my mind, he's hot. And I'm shooting the shit with my friends and then we need to leave to go to this other party and we all decide we're going to go together. And I see that Tara's talking to this guy and I'm like, okay, I'm going to go say goodbye to her. And so I go to say goodbye to her and then I look at him and I'm like, well, goodbye. We didn't get to meet though. And he was like, oh yeah. And we had like a quick little exchange and I felt the vibe and I was like, okay, I think this guy's single. But when the photos came out for the party, I screenshot one of the photos of him and I sent it to one of the hosts and I said, what's the deal with this guy? And she goes, oh my God, it's the deal.
- [22:19]
A
Love it.
- [22:20]
B
What's the deal with this guy? She goes, oh my God, he's single. And you guys have the same sense of you have the same dark sense of humor. You guys would love each other. I said say less. I went to Instagram, I followed him and yeah, that's how this happened.
- [22:33]
A
Love it.
- [22:34]
B
And then it, you know, it took a minute. He. I wouldn't say he is like the most savvy on the Internet, but he and I have the same kind of brain rot. Like, he's chronically online. He's just not a chronically online poster, which is like, great. I don't care about that. Cuz he is more on the executive side as opposed to like talent facing.
- [22:55]
A
Well, let me, let me, let me make this. If anyone's looking for dating inspiration. Yeah, I think this is like a great story because. And, and if anyone's tired of the apps and you know, all these things that we can speak negatively about. For days and hours. You went to a party where you trusted the clientele. You went to a place where IDs metaphorically were checked at the door that you couldn't go to this party unless you knew someone who you already had respect for. You know, she. This guy is talking to your friend. You said, Tara. I don't know them, but.
- [23:38]
B
Oh, okay.
- [23:39]
A
Talking to them. And they're going. You're going, wow. They can hold a conversation with that person. This is the power of in real life that I can't even believe I'm explaining right now. Because you would think we don't have to explain it, but you kind of do. I. So I talk a lot about this, like, friend luck. I think people should bring. Have a party where everyone. The cost of entry is one friend.
- [24:01]
B
I love that.
- [24:01]
A
And they don't have to be single. They don't have to be. You know, it does. People get caught up in the particulars. Don't get caught up in the particulars. I didn't say single. I didn't say married. Bring one friend. Because now everyone at that party who's cool and at a abandoned bowling alley in la, and I mean, you're going up to him, you're saying the line that would be said in 500 days of summer, like to go up to him and go, I haven't met you, but I gotta go is like out of a rom com. That's a meet cute.
- [24:32]
B
Totally. I thought so.
- [24:34]
A
Yeah, I think so too. So I, I mean, this is all like, wonderful. So from that you guys are dating and it's going well so far. That's like, great to hear.
- [24:44]
B
Yeah, I think. I mean, he's like a real adult. I can just Be like, hey, I'd love to. Like, can we work on this? You know, or, how are you feeling about this? You know, it's. It's. It's good. I mean, I will also say if.
- [24:55]
A
It doesn't work out, that's you learning from, you know, dating. Like, you know, fuck him. He doesn't. You're bringing those things up because you can now.
- [25:02]
B
1,000% I'm the same.
- [25:04]
A
You know? Right.
- [25:04]
B
1,000%. And what I would say is, if it doesn't work out, I'll be fine. I know.
- [25:09]
A
I'll be fine always.
- [25:10]
B
You know what I mean? Like, I'm not. I'm not going to sit in something or, like, bite my tongue because I'm afraid that this thing that feels good might go well or whatever. Like, no.
- [25:22]
A
Well, maybe that's the problem with the apps. Like, I always think of this, like, brain thing of, like, how we view things just because we're human. Like, I. You know, yesterday's podcast ticked Off Tuesday is where people complain, and there was someone that wrote in about tipping and about how when they get a draft beer, they leave a buck. And I was like, yeah, to me, leaving a buck on a. On a beer. A draft beer is fine if you're paying in cash, but if you put it on a card and your tab was ten dollars, I would leave two bucks.
- [26:01]
B
Same.
- [26:01]
A
It wouldn't be just a draft beer anymore. Do you know what I mean? And both those things don't make sense, but that is just brain work. Shit.
- [26:11]
B
Yep.
- [26:11]
A
I think with the dating apps, you know, because it's so hard to get off the app, and it's so hard to get someone to, like, you know, leave the casino, which is what they are. Leave the slot machine 100. Then you become precious with these people. Whereas you went to a party and said one thing to a guy. Kind of. Yeah. And if it doesn't work out, you can have that happen again. Like, I think that's wonderful.
- [26:37]
B
Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. And you know what? To. To kind of further what you've been saying to your audience. The couple's birthday, the people who had the birthday party, they're a married couple. I went to a dinner party. Pre pandemic, this agent used to throw dinner parties where he would just invite, like, you know, couples or random people. We would all sit at dinner, we'd all meet each other. I met the wife who was really into skincare. I'm really into skincare. And I was like, you're gonna be my friend. You don't have a choice. I'm gonna make that happen. And I really pursued that relationship. And in turn, I know her husband and I, we, like, weirdly have, like, so many mutual. I guess that's not weird. We have a lot of mutual friends, both of us. And, you know, if I was, like, single, focused on only, like, meeting singles or whatever, like, a married couple wouldn't necessarily be the people that I would pursue or that I would hang out with, but I followed what was, like, genuine to me, which is, oh, cool. She has really common interests. Like, she's funny. I like her. And then I get invited to this party where there's all these people, and then I meet somebody that I'm dating, and I think, like, that's how you should do it. Like, don't go to just because, oh, like, I think there's going to be single people here. I should do that. Like, go to where you actually want to spend your time or where you, the person that you want to date spends their time.
- [27:59]
A
I totally. It's. It's the hardest advice to give or take. It's like, you know, like, it is, hey, just. Well, when you start doing stand up, go to the open mics and work on material and the rest will come is, like, really hard to, like, believe in. And it's the same thing of, like, yeah, go meet really sophisticated, fun people that you enjoy that you have a similar interest with, and they will be around other people you'll end up calling your husband or your wife. Like, that is like, really, that's Mr. Miyagi shit. That's like, you know, wax on, wax off. Oh, my God, I know how to do karate now. You know, it's. It's very similar to that. And it's hard. And I, I, you know, this is, you know, this is. I did not to bring it back to, you know, the book, but I bring it back.
- [28:54]
B
We both have.
- [28:55]
A
I. But we both have books. But you have a real book. I have a hypothetical book that is coming at some point. But I, I will say you have a real book.
- [29:04]
B
You wrote it. It's real coming.
- [29:06]
A
But. But it's. They. We do have a whole thing on hanging with your married friends and how important that is and how your friend's husband is gonna make it happen for you.
- [29:21]
B
100.
- [29:22]
A
You know, that means you have to be cool with your friend's husband. But Rory's book, Rory uphold. Go follow on all the Socials Could Be Blonder is on Instagram. And also the book is called the Final Girls. Guide to the horrors of dating. Link in the description to go buy it right away. I want to read it. I want to hear all the stories. Okay, we're gonna play a game. You ready? I created a game, and it's called horror or horror or heroic?
- [29:57]
B
Oh, I thought you were gonna say horror or.
- [30:01]
A
No, no, no. I tried.
- [30:03]
B
I was, like, sick. I'm so into this game.
- [30:06]
A
Yeah. So is she a. You know, what kind of a horrible person would I be? Horror or heroic? Okay, so all these scenarios are bad situations. You're on a date, a bad situation comes up because bad things do happen.
- [30:24]
B
Yeah.
- [30:25]
A
The person you're on a date with handles it a certain way. Did they choose a horror way to go about it? Was their way they went about it a horror or were they heroic?
- [30:36]
B
Okay, cool.
- [30:38]
A
Okay. You're on a date. The guy you're with catches eyes with a woman. He says, oh, my God, I used to date that person. I need to say hello. He gets up from the table. He goes over to the woman. They chit chat for a couple of minutes. He then brings her over and introduces you to her as his date for the night. Was he heroic or is this a horror situation?
- [31:10]
B
It's definitely not a horror situation because I feel like whatever. Like, it's. The threshold is not way, way bigger, but.
- [31:19]
A
Right.
- [31:20]
B
Part of me just goes, you didn't need to tell me. You could just be like, this is a friend of mine. Like, why would you just. You don't need to. I don't need to know that you were dating him. But I will say the bringing it back to be like, this is my date, that buys you a lot of credibility.
- [31:34]
A
Right. That's why I find it heroic.
- [31:36]
B
Yeah. I'm like, yes.
- [31:37]
A
Because he.
- [31:38]
B
He.
- [31:39]
A
Basically, there were choices to make, and he made the most difficult choice because it starts with the choice of, do I even go up to an ex in a restaurant? He does that.
- [31:53]
B
Wait, he bites. Hold on, hold on. Would you consider someone you dated an ex?
- [32:00]
A
Yes.
- [32:00]
B
Oh, okay.
- [32:01]
A
All people I dated are exes.
- [32:03]
B
Okay.
- [32:03]
A
I think that's like. I think that's like a very. I think women would be very way better off if they just called everyone an ex. Like, I. That's, like, my opinion. Because then at least it gives a credibility. And instead of this, like, oh, we were nothing. Like, you feel like nothing. I think, like, yeah, it's an ex you were. You were dating. It was someone I used to see.
- [32:28]
B
Like, I. Yeah, yeah, I. I do that too.
- [32:31]
A
Wrong with that. There's nothing Embarrassing of it. You know, Like, I. I think we get a little too precious with that and it makes us feel bad. It's not. There's no reason to feel bad about it.
- [32:38]
B
I do that too. I just ask because people will ask me. And so, like, I also think, like, I have a billion exes because I've been on a billion dates. It's not like, like an ex, like a boyfriend, but, like, I do like, a clarify because people do the same thing with me.
- [32:52]
A
Yeah, I. I'm with. I'm with you. I think you. You get into it when someone's like an ex. Well, how long did you. Then I would say, well, we went on three dates and, you know, like, made out a couple times. You know, like, then you explain and then. But I think if you start at giving it the credibility of, like, this is someone that, like, I spent hours with, you know, like, I. Yeah.
- [33:14]
B
Or somebody I've maybe seen naked. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, this isn't just. This isn't just a homie.
- [33:21]
A
Just. This isn't. Or a. As we almost got into that is the game. Surprise. No. Okay.
- [33:30]
B
Okay. Yeah. I'm comfortable with saying heroic. Heroic.
- [33:33]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Because if the ch. The choice between horror or heroic.
- [33:38]
B
Heroic, for sure.
- [33:39]
A
They went to their ex, they admitted they're an ex. They bring them over to say, no one's hiding anything. Imagine you two become like a couple forever. Like, I don't know. I think they were vulnerable at every turn. That's my.
- [33:57]
B
Yeah, I did have a boyfriend where that kind of happened. We met when we were both. So I did the Sundance labs and he photographed them. And at that time, we were both in relationships and we really hit it off. Not in a disrespectful way. Like in a. You know how you just, like, meet people and you vibe with them. Like, we had an energy. We would, like, on our breaks, we would, like, chit chat over lunch. And it was like, great. But, like, he never crossed the line. I never crossed the line. So by the time we ended up dating years down in the future, I already trusted him. Like, I already knew that this was a guy that was, like, respectful and trustworthy in the same sort of way.
- [34:33]
A
Yeah, it's a stand up move. Like, okay, ready? We'll do a couple more.
- [34:36]
B
Yeah.
- [34:38]
A
You're on a date with a guy, he has diarrhea.
- [34:42]
B
Okay, sorry. I'm already laughing.
- [34:47]
A
They go to the bathroom once and it's just, hey, I got to go to the bathroom. Then they Go. Ten minutes later, they go, I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom again. So now it's becoming clear there's something going on. They're gonna go a third time. And as they're about to get up, they say, rory, I've had a really good time, but I have diarrhea and I'm gonna be going to the bathroom all night. I think we should end this date.
- [35:16]
B
That's heroic. That's crazy.
- [35:19]
A
Heroic.
- [35:20]
B
Heroic. That's wild. Because who the would use that as a lie? Like, at first off, I'd be like, is he into cocaine? Like, what is happening?
- [35:29]
A
Sure.
- [35:30]
B
But then to turn and, like, make solid adult eye contact with me and be like, I have diarrhea. I have to go.
- [35:37]
A
I have diarrhea. Yeah, I. That is.
- [35:41]
B
Handle that. Handle that.
- [35:43]
A
Right. Yeah. Okay, I. I'm with you. Okay. You're on a date with a guy. Check comes, they say, do you have tap? To the waitress. The waitress says, no, we don't have tap. He says, listen, I only brought my phone. I didn't bring a wallet. Get me this time, and I'll take you on a really nice date next time.
- [36:14]
B
Horror. Who doesn't bring a wallet to a date? That's crazy town, right?
- [36:20]
A
I'm with you.
- [36:20]
B
It's so weird to. To only be a tap payer.
- [36:24]
A
We're not there yet as a society, and you know that. We know that. Everyone knows that. We haven't gotten there yet. And I really don't, like, I'll get you next time with an even better date. I hate that. That's, like, such a horror to me.
- [36:41]
B
Well, because then I'm like, do you have Venmo?
- [36:45]
A
Right. Let's just. Let's just even up now.
- [36:47]
B
Yeah.
- [36:48]
A
And then we'll do the next date when the next date happens.
- [36:50]
B
Listen.
- [36:51]
A
Yeah. Promises made to me by a stranger.
- [36:53]
B
100. Like, I can pay for the date. That's not a problem. Like, in that situation, I know what I would do. I would just be like, it's all good. I would cover it. And then I would feel a certain way about it because, like, I would be like, was this planned? Like, what was the deal? This, like, I would need to see, like, a level of sincerity and performance that was authentic in order to believe that it wasn't planned. You.
- [37:15]
A
You bring up a great point. And there's nothing authentic of. There's nothing that rings authentic when someone says, we're gonna go out again and it's gonna be the best date ever, it's Gonna be so much more expensive than this one. This won't even.
- [37:28]
B
Okay.
- [37:30]
A
Yeah, you'd be like, oh, cool.
- [37:31]
B
Also, like, really wasn't, like, I don't know, I'm not of the mind where I walk into dates, like, trying to see how expensive things are. Like, if a guy takes me on a nice date, like, cool, but that doesn't matter. Like, you can't take me to a five star restaurant and then be kind of a douche. Like. And maybe like, well, he did take me to wherever.
- [37:54]
A
When you say the next one's going to be so nice, it assumes that you do care about that. And it's kind of insulting if you think.
- [38:01]
B
Yeah, I think so.
- [38:03]
A
All right, let's do one more. Okay. You said you talk about sex in the book and sexual things, so this will be a little sexual. Okay. You're making out back at your place. You ask if they have a condom. They say they do. And you start to get even hotter and heavier than you were before. Things are escalating and you start to undress. And as you're disrobing, they say they whisper in your ear, papi got too excited. And you go, what? And they go, I climaxed in my pants. Sorry. And then.
- [38:48]
B
Okay.
- [38:48]
A
They proceed to cuddle you for an hour.
- [38:51]
B
Whoa. There's a lot to unpack there. Okay, so the real truth is that's a horror. But part of me wants to say, you know, it was heroic that they were honest. I mean, I guess I don't know how they were gonna fake it.
- [39:07]
A
Right.
- [39:08]
B
Okay. I think that it's a horror because of how it was said and handled. And it. There's some, like, weird things happening there. I will say that I have had. I used to be the type of person where sex was like a bullseye. If we didn't hit it, like, on the first try, I was like, well, we're doomed. That's it. And if, like, a guy can't, like, make me feel, like, pleasurable and I don't come, then, like, I'm never gonna come. And so, like, on to the next one. Now I'm not at that place. Like, not having great sex right out of the gate doesn't mean anything to me. Like, I'm like, this can be worked on. Especially, like, if a guy hasn't dated anybody in a long time. Like, maybe they come too quickly or maybe I've seen that change. I've. We've figured out rhythms. It's been great. Like, like, really gone from, like, super mid to maybe like, not even good to like, some of the best sex I've ever had. So I feel confident in that. I think the Poppy whatever would send me, got excited. Poppy got excited would send me to institution. I'm like, so we named our dick. Okay.
- [40:19]
A
Right? I, I, yeah, you can't personify your penis. And I, I'm with you where, you know, this sex can get better and, and, and will get better. Especially if you like each other like that. That's. That's going to happen. He could have handled it a different way. That's the, that's the horror is how he handled it. Not that it happened 100%. You know, he could have said, I got to go to the bathroom. Hey, I'm feeling a little sick. Like, I think being too comfortable with someone when you're not ready to be that comfortable like that to me, if you whisper Poppy got a little too excited. It's. We haven't been dating long enough to establish who Poppy is. What excited means. I need a little bit of, you know, you need a little bit of mystery as, you know, you go to the bathroom, you go, oh, crap. Okay, how am I gonna play this? That's like a show of respect for the person and where you guys are at, you know?
- [41:21]
B
So you go back and you're like, I'm gonna go down on you. Or whatever the. Or if maybe she's like, into being fingered, whatever it is, like, let's do this. Let's fool around. And then I'm. Because, like, I've been in this situation where this has happened, not like, it's happened to me. And guys are just like, hey, oh, oh, you might like this. Not okay, you specifically. I just mean as a story. I dated this one guy once who was like, I come really quick. Like, he's like, I'm gonna go down on you. He's like, because I know I come really quick and it won't be fun for you. And I was like, whoa. Okay. He just was like, put it all out on the table and basically was like, yeah. It's like every guy in my family, like, we just come really fast.
- [42:03]
A
Every guy in my family, they, they. How do you get to that information? I don't know.
- [42:09]
B
I did that. I didn't ask a follow up for.
- [42:12]
A
But, hey, what are you thankful for this year, dad? An extra three seconds to three pumps. Like, how do you know that about the men in your family? It's an old tale. The.
- [42:27]
B
Yeah, a quick tale. An old, quick tale. But, but like.
- [42:33]
A
And look, the family Is known for two things.
- [42:38]
B
Clementines and coming fast, coming quickly.
- [42:42]
A
That's what we do. I go down on women. We do this family.
- [42:49]
B
Yeah, yeah. Look, we didn't end up. We didn't end up. It wasn't a. It wasn't really a fit, but I was like, wow. I really respect the fact that he just, like, kind of was so honest about it, so there wasn't going to be that awkward dance of, oh, oh, apologies. Yeah. And none of that. Yeah, yeah, no, this is.
- [43:08]
A
Listen, to say, you know, we've all been there is an understatement. You know, that's just how it goes. This is like the trials and tribulations of, you know, romance and sex and physical stuff. So I. But I. I agree with the. The. The horror part isn't that it happened. It's how it's being taken care.
- [43:31]
B
Also the hour. Cuddle. Are we. Am I cuddling you to make you feel better?
- [43:37]
A
Yeah, like, why don't be so comfy, cozy here. Have a little shame. Yeah, I got to rock you back to bed.
- [43:43]
B
So, yeah, I'm like, what are we doing here? This feels like a little mommy play. Like, I don't think I'm into that.
- [43:51]
A
Rory, uphold. Thank you for coming on the show. So fantastic. We want everyone to go buy the book. A Final Girl's Guide to Dating. To A Final Girl's Guide to the Horrors of Dating. The podcast is crime of the heart. Go listen. Go buy the book. The description of this episode has the link. Go follow Rory could be blonder on Instagram. We will be back next week. Boom.
- [44:13]
B
Wait, I have a code for your listeners.
- [44:16]
A
Oh, code. Hold on. We have a code. I'm sorry.
- [44:19]
B
No, it's okay.
- [44:20]
A
We're not gonna be back next week. Go say it right now, please. We'll keep this in. Keep this.
- [44:24]
B
If you're. If you're listening to the podcast and you. And you want to buy the book, you can go to the horrorsofdating.com and when you go to check, put J train 15 and you can get 15% off.
- [44:34]
A
Look at that. Free money. So J train 15 during checkout. The horrors of dating.com. go, go, go. It'll be in the description of this episode at the bottom. We'll put the promo code in there as well. So we won't make this the big reveal. So we'll be back next week. Boom.