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The JTrain Podcast
How do I get a guy to ask me questions on the date? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming you live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right, every Monday. It is a mail bag Monday, where you, the listener, send in your emails and I, the podcaster, comedian and friend, give you some perspective, some advice, some thoughts. And who am I? I'm just a guy in a studio apartment looking at you, a person, a listener to a podcast. That's. That's all I am. I'm just, I'm just, just a friend, a friendly voice who doesn't have to make eye contact with you. That's a big part of this that I don't have to like. I don't have this worn in relationship with you where I have to be afraid of saying what I really feel to you. So that's why I'm asking you, the listener, if you're going through something, send it in J train podcast gmail.com that's J train podcast at. It's not ticked off Tuesday, so I won't get. I. I was about to have a complaint. I'm not going to do it. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. We'll do it tomorrow. If you're out there and want to come to a show, Pittsburgh, London, assemble the group chat. I'm coming. I got, we're adding dates. I got new pictures taken for the tour. The fall. We're adding a ton of dates in the fall. So jared free.com jared free.com I'm coming to you today. I'm looking at the calendar right now. I'm going to be in San Jose this weekend, but I'm taping this. I already have been gone. I'll have come and gone from San Jose, Pittsburgh, Huntsville, Alabama, Manchester, Connecticut, London, England. Stanford, Connecticut. Bloomington, Indianapolis, Indiana, Indiana. Oh, I always screw that up. Bloomington, Indiana, where the Indiana Hoosiers play Brea. Spokane, Denver, San Francisco. Providence. Added the calendar. Providence, Kansas City, Missouri. Richmond, Virginia. Jared Free.com we got more dates coming. And send in your emails. J train podcast gmail.com Send in your emails. J train podcastmail.com and here's another thing I want you to do. Follow us on YouTube. Come on, Jared Freed. On YouTube, you get the the Wednesday chitchat Wednesday episode of the J Train. Plus, I put stand up up there every Saturday. If you're watching right now, there's A new stand up clip there from the past weekend. So you got something to, you know, get you by. If you're looking to like sit on the toilet and do something for a while, you can watch me do crowd work. It's all crowd work. It's all the stuff in between the bits. So that's what it should be called. I call it Saturday night J Train cuz I come out on Saturday. Between the bits would be fun. That's a good man. Should have been a marketing manager. Okay, I got two emails in front of me. We have one sponsor. I'm gonna go through the sponsor now, then we'll do the two emails. But I will tell you I am using this sponsor. This is something I am using. Caldera Lab. Your face deserves better than stolen hotel soap. Get yourself an actual routine with Caldera Lab. Caldera Lab specializes in men's skin care. This is a great gift. I'm using it using cutting edge formulas developed by leading cosmetic chemists with products that won't clog your pores. Just swipe it on and go. It's the simplest way to get your skin on point. Start with the base layer. It's a nutrient rich moisturizer that absorbs quickly with a non greasy matte finish oxygen. I can attest to that. I put that on every day. It's thick. It's. It's got some thickness to it. I like it. Then try the good, which is an award winning serum to make your face or make your skin look smoother and more hydrated. I use that. I'm loving it. I'm seeing results. And for eyes. The eye serum is all you need. It helps reduce the appearance of dark circles and puffiness. If you look at my. Go look at my videos on Instagram. Go look at the reels. I'm kind of happy with my. You know, again, I. I stopped drinking so that probably helps. I'm sleeping better. The creams are helping. The. The Caldera Lab is part of that. So it's just an easy routine. One, two, three, three things. You're done. Caldera Lab is even cruelty free so you can feel good about your routine. Skincare doesn't have to be complicated, but it should be good. Upgrade your routine with Caldera Lab and see the difference for yourself. Go to caldera lab.com J train and use code J train at checkout for 20 off your first order. So that's some free money. It's in the description of this episode. I will also say this about Caldera Lab. Looks good. Looks masculine. On the shelf. So if you're looking to like up the game of your husband, spouse, whatever your your dad you want, if they want a good. If they need a good bathroom look, that's not like cheesy. I think caldera lab kind of achieves that. I I know that's a weird reason maybe to get involved with a skincare line, But I do think a lot of like men's skin care, men's bathroom essentials kind of look like they're 14. And it's all like marketed for men who are like trying to checks. And it's like, how about we grow up? So why don't we get caldera lab and make your man look like a man in the bathroom. Two emails jtrain podcast gmail.com youm can also send through Instagram. I got a DM this week with a question. I was like, go to the j train podcast. Instagram. DM it there. Get on this. Let's get into this. All right, Jared, huge fan. Feather. Feather. Heard you asking for more mailbag Mondays, so here's a fun one. Thank you. And if you ask, you shall be rewarded. I've been casually seeing this guy for a while now. Over a year. Okay. Casual for over a year. Here we go. I'm 30. He's 39. I describe it as a true friends with benefits situation. Haven't gone. Haven't gone on more than a few real dates. And I think we both know that we wouldn't be compatible in a serious relationship Due to some pretty significant lifestyle differences. So we're mostly just hooking up, which I'm fine with. The best part is that he lives a short walk from me, which is a rarity where. Where we live. I do have feedback to what they wrote. I'm not going to dispute. Let me do something. I'm not going to dispute your feelings. And in the same way you shouldn't speak for someone else's. I don't know where this email is going. I don't read them ahead of time. I like to answer them with you. I like to go through the roller coaster of emotions that these emails provide. When you say haven't gone, I believe what you write to me because you have no reason to lie to me. I describe it as a true friends with benefit situation. Haven't gone on more than a few real dates. And I think we both. Here's where you go off. I think we both know that we wouldn't be compatible in a serious relationship Due to some pretty significant lifestyle differences. So we're mostly just hooking up, which I'm fine with. The only thing I agree with in that sentence is that you are fine with it. I wouldn't get in the business. Let's not get in the business of speaking for other people and their feelings. I. That is, that is something I think about with when I do stand up, when I talk on a podcast, I'm going to speak for me and the other stuff will come into place. You can't really control what the other person's feeling. So when you say when you. If you've come to terms and come to terms is probably a bad way of presenting it because you seem pretty so far. There's a whole nother paragraph because literally the next paragraph starts with onto my question. So it might have nothing to do with this, but. But I'm saying if you're happy in a friends with benefit situation, that is working for you. That is all that matters. That's great. Good for you. You're winning. You're having, you're having your needs, your needs. Your needs met. Your needs net. No, your needs met. Your needs are getting met. But when you say, and if you need to say to yourself, I cannot see myself in a relationship with them because we have some serious relate. We have some pretty significant lifestyle differences, as you wrote, that's fine. But when you do it for him, you don't know how much that stuff matters to him. He might say that. He might use that as an excuse. He might say that. I'm just saying, let's not get in that business. Onto my question. He's apparently a really talented piano player. Really? He's played most of his life, went to a specialized boarding school for artists, now teaches piano and does small gigs occasionally. This guy, this is like a guy out of a rom com. Can you imagine? Is this not the profile of a rom com type of dude? He goes and teaches piano class. He's got like some like nerdy looking like weirdo kid that he like teaches piano class to. And he's the funny part. And he goes in there every day. You know, again, the wedding singer, he's teaching her piano. Oh, the wacky old lady doing renewing her vows or whatever. He teaches piano and does small gigs occasionally. So like, I mean, someone out there heard this. Yeah, I got a friends with benefits situation. We have some pretty significant lifestyle differences. But he's a short walk from me onto my question. He apparently a really talented piano player. He's played most of his life, went to a specialized boarding school for Artists now teaches piano and does small gigs. He also teaches the arts at a special school and you know, like rocks kids to bed. Like someone out there is listening to this and it is and is high. You know, I'll say metaphorically wet. I would. I would say I'm a little chubby. That is, we have the makings of. And I'm like looking outside like it's a beautiful day. Like I'm just imagining you and this guy. Oh, hey, hey, Francois. That's my friend Francois. He teaches piano down the street. We're just friends with benefits. Like you're a little too cool about it. He takes himself seriously, but doesn't. I just think it's. It's quite a character profile we have written here. Okay. So he now teaches piano and does small gigs occasionally. But he's never played for me and I want to hear him. Okay. I've asked him once or twice before and he's just said I will eventually, to no avail. Is there a fun, creative way to convince him to give me a little performance? I don't want to keep asking and potentially annoying him, but I really want this. Lol. As a performer, do you think there could be another reason I might be missing for why he's hesitant to play for me? Nerves maybe. Curious. All your thoughts and if you think it's better I drop it, then so be it, I guess with a frowny face. Emoji. Thank you from I love pianists who this is. This is an interesting email. I like it. I've never really thought of myself as an artiste. Whenever I've said that, it's been a joke. But I will say I do go up on stage and perform and I am put into position where I have women that are like, hey, I would love to come to the show. Or I'm in a position where I can invite a woman to a show. There is. Considering the information here, I can give you like a few options for how he's feeling. One, he doesn't want to be a show off. He's probably very good. You write, you know, he's probably very good. There's an. There's one where it's like, I don't think nerves is the issue. If he went to school, a boarding school for artists, teaches piano. Nerves is not it. He's not like too nervous to show you, I think showing you his piano skills. He knows the power he holds in his hands or he thinks he has a power in his hands. He knows that the women be melting when he is Tickling the keys. He's basically tickling your undercarriage. He knows that he has a power. And I think, to me, if you guys are friends with benefits, he's like, I can't use my superpower because I. I would. This is narcissism. I'm sure, like, a little sip of narcissism here. But this is. This is ego. This is all at play. I'm. I'm admitting to this. But when you perform and you know that you've seen, like, this does something to the opposite sex. This makes someone more attracted to you, and you're dating someone that you don't see a future with, and you don't want to, like, mess with the dynamic. I could understand where he's like, I think showing her the piano is, like, not fair to her. That's. And, no, that sounds crazy. I'm trying to get you inside the mind of a man. Men are built on ego. You wrote I love pianists with an exclamation point at the end. And you're like, please, come on. Play for me. Come on. I've never seen you play. You must be. You must be so good. And he's like, in his mind, he's going, I am good. I don't need to show off. If I show her this, it might say that I'm more invested in this than normal. I've held back on bringing people to my shows because of that. I don't really trust that this will be seen as not the biggest deal. But I also don't bring people to shows because it is a big deal. It's both a big deal for me. I have to trust the person. I have to trust that they can, like, be fun and able to watch a show without maybe being a jerk and yelling out or getting, you know, again. I've brought. I've brought women to shows that have gotten too drunk and made a little bit of a scene. And I was like. I felt horrible about it. I was like, I. I guess they can't really hang. I've had that happen. I've had the other side of this, which he might be concerned with that I just mentioned. He the brought in their show, and they're like, you do you bring everyone here? And it's like, no, I don't. But I also. This doesn't mean that, like, we're engaged to be engaged. This isn't a moment. And I think with his piano, it might be considered a moment. And again, you might be going, well, I. You know, I can. I'm not crazy. I'm not emotional. Fine. I'm just saying because it happens for some. You kind of hold this policy for everyone, you know. Why can't you have phones at the Comedy Cellar? Because some people take out their phones and start taping sets and then post them online. Well, I won't do that. Well, because some do it. I have to have a rule for everyone. And that, I think, is what he's guarding against with the piano. I don't think he's nervous to play for you, considering the background that you wrote. I don't think. I think he's trying to keep this in Friends with Benefits. And the piano changes this a little bit because when you write. And I'm going to go back to the thing I pointed out in the beginning, I think we both know that we wouldn't be compatible in a serious relationship due to some pretty significant lifestyle differences. So we're mostly just hooking up with. Mostly just hooking up, which I'm fine with. You don't know how serious he cares about lifestyle differences or that he just wants to hook up with someone that he trusts and enjoys and thinks is great but doesn't see a future with. And this is a good way to, like, kind of not have to talk about it. In the same way, he doesn't know that you can handle him playing the piano and not be getting more serious or seeing him in a different light or seeing. And there's another element of this. I. As far as bringing someone to my show, like, again, it's like, I care. It's a big deal, but it's not a big deal. It's a big deal as far as can I trust this person to see it and be cool and I don't have to take care of them in a work setting. And also, it's not that big a deal. I don't think of it as, like, this is the love of my life and I'm finally showing someone my. My rare skill. Okay, that. That would be. And again, it's somewhere in between. I don't know where it lands. So if I'm you, you've said your piece, you'd like to see him play piano. I do think bringing you to a piano to play for you, unless he has a baby grand in his apartment, is. Is also above and beyond. It's also a different type of date. You said you've only been on a few real dates, and now this is kind of like, turned into a meet at the bar and have some drinks and go home together. Situation again, you are fine with it. I'm fine with it. But I would say, like, going out of the way to find a piano to play for you. There's an element of, like, cockiness that you don't really want to get into that you kind of. Yeah, I'm not. Right. I'm not, like, looking to find a microphone to perform for someone. Tell me a joke. Nah, that's not how it works. Play this piano. I don't want to. Or play the piano for me. Okay, where, where am I going to go? Am I, am I going to go out of my way to bring you to a piano and then have you go, oh, it was okay. I thought it'd be better than that. Again, there's risk in that too. He does. I could understand. He's like, I don't want to play. I've had that happen. This is why I've had, hey, what jokes are you working on tonight? And then I, like, trust the person enough to explain the, oh, I'm gonna do a bit about this. And then you just see them, like, what? And I'm like, I didn't need to do that. I shouldn't have told them. I shouldn't. I, I shouldn't have risked my confidence in this premise. That's not even a joke yet. I tend to, like, over explain that. That could be the same with a piano. Like, I'm not gonna bring them to see them go. That's all I got. Didn't they go to a special school for those? Don't they teach little kids how to play the piano? And that's, that's how good he is. I thought he said he was good. And it's like, no, I didn't say I was good. I said I do it right. It turn the languaging changes. So I think I've talked about this enough. I, I, at this point where I've, I think the insecurities I have about stand up similar. Does this turn this in? Does this make you see me in a different light and make you think that I've put you in a different position with this relationship? Am I going to go out of my way to bring someone to a piano just so I can play for them and have them go, oh, is that it? That's how good they are? And do I trust them to, like, you know, to hang in this capacity, or do I even want to play right now? I'm tired. I do this for work. It's my side Hustle jtrain podcast@gmail.com. jtrain, podcastmail.com every Monday. Keep sending in your emails. That was such a good one. I loved that one. It was sweet, it was thoughtful. It had it all. We got one more. Hey, friend, Here goes. I'm currently single and honestly struggling with dating. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I just can't seem to get past the first date. Oh, I can already see your problem. Get past the first date, that is. You know, you're not playing the. Again, I'm taking this little by little. I just can't seem to get past the first date. You're talking about dating as if it's a video game and you're playing someone else's game. Why isn't someone playing your game? I just. Listen. You might go from here into a different direction where you're like, everyone I go out with stinks and I'm not attracted. The way you wrote that sounded like no one's doing. The way you wrote that sounded like someone who's like, no one chooses me for the second date. No, no, no. Do you choose them? Are you being thoughtful? Are you being. You know, you're allowed to judge too. Judgment goes both ways on a date. So again, I don't know where this is going. I absolutely love your idea. I just can't seem to get past the first date. I absolutely love your idea of having a green or red flag referee to help navig tricky moments. Here's my usual first date scenario. We meet for just one drink. That way I'm not stuck. I already see your issue. You got too many rules. You got already. You go, what? Jared, you just started the email. We meet for just one drink. That way I'm not stuck awkwardly eating in front of a stranger. Well, who said anything about eating? Let's go for drinks. That's the you're you're looking to meet. So let's go for drinks. Let's have a drink. Maybe it's one drink, maybe it's two drink. Maybe we walk from this drink and we go get some ice cream. I don't know. You gotta let things happen a little bit. And I'm again, I've stopped the email just so maybe we go in a direction that feels a little bit more light, easy breezy, beautiful covergirl. But right now it feels stringent. It feels like rules based. And I think you're in your own way. We meet for just one drink. That way I'm not stuck awkwardly eating in front of a stranger who gives me major ick vibes. You are so you got. I can. I'm reading you like a book. You're on the Internet. You're so afraid of losing that you can never win. Yeah, you might eat something with someone that you don't like. That might happen. Get over it. If someone said. But also have. Have a. Have an opinion here. Hey, let's do. Because right now you're thinking. You're speaking in hypotheticals. I'm not annoyed with you, but I think you're speaking in hypotheticals. Here's my usual first date scenario. We meet for just one drink. That way I'm not stuck awkwardly eating in front of a stranger who gives me major ick vibes. Who asked you to eat? Why are you agreeing to eat? You would never agree to a first date eating date, would you? Based on this, you wouldn't. So why are you even bringing it up? Let's play it out. Hey, let's go out on a date. Sounds great. Want to meet me for dinner at Layburger? Hey, I would love to do dinner down the road, but for now, would you be up for just doing a couple drinks? So if we can see if the vibe's right. Look at that. Guess you're not eating with someone that gives you the major ick vibes. You have what is called a. You have what is called a standard. My standard for going on dates is that the first one is done over drinks or coffee so that I can see if I like the vibe. That's called having a personality. That's called having, you know, a taste. So the way you wrote that, if you don't like eating with someone on the first date, then why are you bringing it up? I just don't. Right. Okay. That. So we meet for. So here's my. I'll go through the whole thing. I'll stop sobbing. Here's my usual first date scenario. We meet for just one drink. That way I'm not stuck awkwardly eating in front of a stranger who gives me major ick vibes. But the conversation, it almost always revolves entirely around them. After about 10 first dates, I can literally count on one hand how many times a guy has actually asked me about something. I can. I can literally count on one hand how many times a guy has actually asked me something about myself. How do men not realize that a good conversation is like ping pong a back and forth and not like tetherball where one person just bats the ball around alone. Seriously, how do men learn to show genuine interest if they want to get invited out Again, thanks so much for any advice you can share. My first advice, and I know this is fun to do on TikTok and on the Internet, is to generalize this into men and women. Stop it. You're hurting yourself. I've been on dates where women don't ask me a single question. Do I think all women do that? Maybe I am blessed by the idea that dating is generally maybe easier for men and I don't have to deal with, like, all these other, like, I don't have a bunch of tiktoks where I see a bunch of men going on being like these women and then kind of like swim with the current of. Look at all these horrible men. I don't have that. So maybe I'm lucky for that. I'm just saying to you, I've been on dates where women have not asked me a single question. That happens. And I got a lot to ask about. There's a. There's a lot of things about me that I would assume a woman want. A woman would want to know. Are you making a living doing comedy? You do a podcast alone in your apartment. You just talk to yourself for an hour. It's 20 minutes. You talk. How do you find there's things to ask me? So I, I don't know what's going on in your dates. I do think it's okay to go. He didn't ask me a single question. I don't want to go out with him again. Great. Good for you. I don't know how to push a string is what you're asking me. How do I get someone to ask me questions? That's not really my responsibility. My responsibility is to be there, have fun, try to get to know someone, and then decide if I want to go out with them again. See, I was. I, I, I, I, I have to decide whether I want to go out with them again. I have to be a good person on the date. I have to come in positively. I have to come in with a good attitude. I have to come in with energy. Never them. Stay away from you. Another guy that won't ask me a question. No, I don't really like this guy because he hasn't asked me a single question. Why don't I think that's part of your issue? And again, it goes back to part of your whole email. That way I'm not stuck awkwardly eating in front of a stranger who gives me the major ick vibes. We know. We've heard this take on the Internet. We've heard the take. I don't want to be eating On a date, you know, like, that's not like a new thing. We know. We don't, no one wants to eat on a first date with someone that they're not having fun with. So I think you got to get out of the Internet speak of this. All I would also think about, like, I guess, what are the questions? I don't know. I'm speaking to you. I'm not blaming you. I'm trying not to, but you're the one emailing. It was the guy that wrote in and was like, I can't stop talking about myself. Then I would, I, I would have different advice. I, I, I think for you, you know, like, I, again, my, this is like my original advice. The advice I always gave was go to a wine bar and hey, let's go to a wine bar or a place that serves coffee and wine. And you get a bottle of wine and that's two and a half glasses each. Maybe he has three, you have two. And then the bottle is like the hourglass for the date. You could even do that with one glass. I'll have a glass of wine. I'll have a glass of wine. Now you guys get to the end of the end of the wine glass. Hey, this was a lot of fun. I got somewhere to go. Maybe that would help you more. Is a good excuse to get out of a date because it seems you're afraid of, like, being on a date too long, that someone's not gonna like, ask you the right questions or any questions at all. But it's funny, you're like, asking, I'm, I'm trying to figure out how to answer this because you're saying I can count on, on one hand how many times a guy has actually asked me something about myself. How do men not realize that a good conversation is like ping pong? Well, they do. The person that you end up with will. And then this will all go away. This will all be a bad dream. And not like tetherball where one person just bats. I, yeah, I, I don't know how people don't realize that. I don't know. When I go on a date, I come prepared with questions. Maybe it's, maybe you ask some different questions and again, maybe you're not, maybe it's not Going out with everyone. That is a fine conversation. Maybe you, you know, you wait on the great conversations, the people you're excited to meet instead of just going out with anyone you meet and match with. A match does not mean a date. A match means, let's see how this text goes. Is it like ping pong? Oh, it is. Okay. I do want to go on the date. Seriously. How do men learn to show genuine interest if they want to get invited out again? They. I again. I. I'll put this into the people thing. Why do people. I think people are nervous and they want to win the date. And I think when you're nervous and you want to win, you talk more, you talk longer, you keep going. I notice it about me on stage. If I'm trying to get an audience back, I just go quicker. I just say more. It's probably the bad strategy. It's. It's the better strategy is probably like, hey, let me sit back, let me ask some questions. Let's get a rapport. I don't know how you teach that. I think for you again, let's go for drink, I think. But I. Here's my big advice. The answer is sometimes in the email or the answer is usually in the email. I think the tone of your email. And I'm saying this as someone who's tired of dating. Who's with you? I'm with you, sister. I get it. You sound fed up. You sound like you've had it when you start doing the blog. Speak this again. I'm like stumbling into an answer here, but based on your email where you reference my green flag or red flag referee. That's a joke. You're like, I wish there was a green flag, red flag referee bar where someone could throw a flag and say, you know, this date's over. That's not going to happen. I'm sorry, but you're referencing my joke scenario. My joke thing of like, how do we get out of bad dates? And then all you talk about is these generalities. When people get into, like their blog. I, I've talked about, I just wrote about this in the book that's coming out in like a year, hopefully. But when people get into this writing of their dating blog, their dating opinions, I think it actually, like, not helpful. When you go to Men do this. No one asks questions. Everyone's. Everyone's, you know, I don't want to eat on an awkward day with a guy. I got the ick. You're. You're fucked. You're. You're down the river of negativity. And it's really hard to swim against that current. So I think you maybe need a break. I think delete the apps. I think give it a. Give it a month. Get excited again. Get excited. Sometimes you could be in a good conversation and not even realize it because you're so negative that you can't get excited about a good conversation. No conversation that will live up to this imagined amazing person that you've invented. So you need a break. Take a break. It's okay. I do, too. I'm with you. J train podcast@gmail.com. back next week. Boom.