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The JTrain Podcast
How Do I See If The Vibe With My Former Coworker Is For Real? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder. You got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is Jay Train Jared Freed coming you live from Los Angeles, California. That's right, every Monday is a ma bag Monday, where you, the listener, email me the comedian and podcaster with your advice questions and that's what I'm going to ask you right off the bat for. If you have an issue, if you're dealing with something, if you just want someone to like kind of chew on what you're going through without feeling judged and feeling bad about it, I'm going to, I'm going to give you a fair perspective on whatever you're going through. I want you to send it jtrain podcastmail.com that's jtrain podcastmail.com youm can also DM us@jtrain podcast on Instagram. I'm gonna ask you to follow that Instagram account. We're putting up clips for every episode of this show. So that is really just a reminder for you to listen. I can understand that every day of the week isn't your flavor, but maybe we do something one day that you go, oh, let me check in with pop culture Thursday. Oh, I like that guest on, you know, a chit chat Wednesday. Oh, he's complaining about something I've complained about on a ticked off Tuesday. So that's just a gentle reminder to follow the Instagram account. Send us your emails if you have an issue going on, whatever it may be. And lastly, let me, let me just get them all out of the way. Follow us on YouTube every Wednesday. We put up the chit chat Wednesday so you can see me and the guest. Also I'm putting up stand up every Saturday. I'm putting up crowd work clips v my producer for this show, our producer, she's putting up these clips and working really hard. So let's get on the YouTube and like it and comment and let us know what you thought was funny and you know it's from. I think it's kind of cool to see what's going on in a comedy club on a random Saturday in a random city because that's what I'm doing. I'm traveling this great country of ours and I am on the road now. Listen, Spokane, Washington, I think that's happening already happened. Well, I hope we had fun. Denver, San Francisco, Providence, Winnipeg, Kansas City, Richmond. Those are the Cities coming up. Jaredfree.com I got three emails in front of me. Okay, three advice emails. That's one more than we usually do. I got three emails. One sponsor. The sponsors are always in the description of this episode, so you can find them there if they can help you. Let's get to it. Jared. Feather. Feather. I'm coming to the advice expert for a tuffy. Well, I'm not calling myself an expert. Let me just start with. I would hate to even. I am someone. I think I. What I'm good at is being fair and, and having some empathy and really looking at all sides of your issue. And I'm one person with an opinion, so take it for what it is. And you know what I'm really good at? Reading an email without having to, like, look at you while answering it. Like, that's the, that's the. And, and, and, and that's why I'm not putting our history in the way. When you ask a friend or a coworker or a family member, they go, you know, they kind of answer your question with you in mind. I'm just answering with the email I have in front of me, so I'm an expert in that. My cousin got married in the fall in a courthouse wedding with no family present. Okay. They are now planning a wedding reception for June 2026. So that's a little less than a year from now. Recently, she shared the wedding date, and it's on a Wednesday night. Okay. In addition to the inconvenience of a weekday wedding, it's also the Wednesday after our extended family's trip to Italy. Okay. Which she's not going on. But my immediate family and I, as well as many of our aunts and uncles are, including my cousin's mom. She chose a strange date. I, I. And again, they're doing this strangely. You know, listen, a courthouse wedding, no, no, shame on it. But it is different to do. Hey, courthouse, let me restart this a little bit. Courthouse wedding. People do that. People go and get the license and they, and then they get married and they have the reception and it's all kind of like a little bit spread out. And the more spread out it is, the more different you're doing it. And I would say when you say, you know, we got married, but if you're doing the reception a year later on a Wednesday while your whole family is, you know, gone till Sunday to Italy, you know, you've not really thought of anyone else. I guess. Let's keep going. My parents, sister and I were planning on staying in Europe for a few extra days and told my cousin we Aren't sure if we'll make it to the wedding. This caused a huge problem with both her and my aunt saying how rude it is for us to miss her wedding for a vacation that we already planned and she knew about. Yeah, I don't know. I'm with you so far. I'm with you. Her mom is on this vacation. The idea that maybe you're going to lose some people to extending and also to the. Just the general, like, exhaustion of. Hey, my wedding's the Wednesday after you get home on Sunday. You kind of have to know that might be coming. The wedding is not local to us anyways. Okay, that's even more important. So even if we were not on this vacation would still be a huge inconvenience to take. Take off work and fly to her wedding in the middle of the week. No, don't do that. This is where I'm being. I'm coming back at you. Don't do that. You don't have to do that. Well, that's all right. Their wedding would have been an inconvenience anyways. No, no, no, no. Your wedding is an inconvenience. You are planning a wedding that's not local on the Wednesday after we are supposed to get back from Italy a. A trip that we were planning on extending anyways without knowing that your wedding was going to be that week. That is more than enough. You don't have to do the. Well, you are also making us travel and no matter what. No, no, no. I don't need you to do that. I know what you're doing. Don't do that. Stick to the facts. They plan their wedding the Wednesday after a vacation they knew about. So you. So they knew the risk of doing this. And if they didn't, they should understand the risk to get mad at you and listen for the aunt who's going to be on this vacation with you to take their side. It's a little, you know, the aunt is getting emotional and just taking the side of their daughter. But I. I can understand that. But they're not. That doesn't make them right. Okay, so the wedding is not local to us anyways. So even if we were not on this vacation with. No, but you are on the vacation. I just don't like when people do that. Still be a huge convenience to take off work and fly to a wedding. You don't need to like, create a case. You have a case. Does she not realize how much she is asking for does she not realize how much she is asking of the people she is inviting. She is also already legally married. No, not a good, not a good argument. This is just a party to celebrate over a year later. I. No, not a good argument. People get because I'm, I'm just giving you their side. They're going to go. Well, people get courthouse, you know, do the courthouse before the wedding all the time. So I just don't think I'm trying to help you through this argument. That is not a good argument. This is just a party to celebrate over a year. No, this is their only party. Don't. I know why you're losing this battle. Because you've chosen the wrong battle. I'm so annoyed this is causing such a rift between us. What do you think? Are middle of the week weddings a. No, that's not something I would get into. Should I have come back early from my trip to make it to the wedding? Is it right for my cousin and aunt to be so upset about this? Please help. Signed a fight or flight batch. I love this email. It is a bone with some meat on it for me to gnaw at. And I love those types of emails because this is not easy. As you said, it is a toughie. I think you're choosing the wrong arguments. I think to say that this is just a party because it's not the actual wedding, I think that's a losing battle. I think she's also already legally married. No, it doesn't matter. This is just a party to celebrate over a year later. I just said that. I'm so annoyed this is causing such a rift between us. What do you think our middle of the week weddings are? No, no, you can't. That's a bad argument too because middle of the week wedding is really them trying to save money. I think that would be something that would cause me a little bit of pause from coming at someone with a midweek wedding. I can understand why someone does that. Maybe they wanted to keep it intimate. This is what they're doing. Okay, but that's just the fact it's a midweek wedding. I think their mom being on the vacation with you that's already been planned is your argument. It's not like this trip was getting planned after they had planned their wedding. This trip was already on the books. It can't be changed. They've made it a inconvenient date. And I think that's the one thing that you really have on your side, it being a weekday wedding. I, I, It's, I'm not. Listen, that's not for me. I wouldn't want a weekday wedding. I wouldn't want to go to a weekday wedding. That's just an opinion. Should they not be allowed? I can't really do that because, you know, in the same way that a Sunday wedding, I'd go, oh, well, I really like Sundays to, like, relax on the couch and I don't want to get in a suit. Too bad. That's what they planned because they had their own reasons, which usually are financial, which is hard to really beat up on someone about. They want to have a wedding of their choice. I do think her mom being on the trip with you is. It is something that end the trip already being planned. So she can't say, I didn't know about this trip, because she did. Her mom is on it, and that's the first person I would assume she would go to with this plan for the wedding on this specific date. So she can't be surprised that anyone on this trip would go, you know, we have this thing going on that week before and, oh, we already planned on extending our trip. I don't think they're now planning that. I don't think you already had it planned, but I would say that. I would say family trip to Italy, which is not. Not going on. But my immediately family and I, as well as our aunts and uncles, including my cousin's mom, my parents and sister and I were planning on staying in Europe a few extra days. So this ruins that. And now they're making you feel bad because that's the problem. If you had already had the extended part of the trip planned and paid for, you would feel less bad and more confident in your side. That's why you're coming to me. That's why you came to Papa J Train to figure out because you're going. Well, it's not planned yet, but we were hoping to maybe do a few extra days without the extended family where we'd get to have our own fun time with the immediates. I get that. I. I get that. And this cousin came in and getting to Europe, you don't just get. Once you're there, you want to do as much of Europe as possible. So I get your side of this. I get why you're annoyed because it takes away that option. Now it's just a trip with your extended family, which, you know, probably not your dream vacation. That's not the vacation you've seen on Instagram, stories from your friend who stayed at an expensive hotel and you don't know, you don't understand how they have the money to do it. You. That's not the sexy vacation that you would want. If you're writing to me and you're a woman of a certain age, you probably want the sexy trip to Europe and the big family vacation where your uncle's going. Have you put your sunblock on. That's not the trip you wanted. And now your opportunity to get a few days of the Dream Instagram story that you've seen is ruined because cousin Shirley says, I'm gonna have a big Wednesday wedding. Like a big nerd. And now you feel bad because, you know, you gotta be nice to cousin Shirley. You don't have that extended trip planned yet, so you are coming back. If I was to take a side, I'm on your side. I think if you plan a Wednesday wedding, you have to expect Wednesday results. So. And I. I. Will they get over it? I don't know. I. I don't know if they will. I think the real problem is their mom. And I think if I was to, like, give you a strategy, I think you go to the mom and you go and try to talk with her. You can't have the mom energized by the emotional state of the daughter who's upset that their wedding isn't being taken seriously because it's on a Wednesday. I think you got to get the mom away from that emotional battery that her daughter becomes, because a mom doesn't want to see a daughter upset, especially about their wedding. So the mom, I think, is getting a little bit instigated. I think if you can get the mom away from the daughter and have a calm conversation with her, especially because she's going to be on this trip with you, and you say, hey, can we talk about this? We don't want to miss your daughter's wedding. Obviously, it's my cousin. I don't want to make them feel bad. But can you understand how this date doesn't really help anyone involved? And I would ask her that question. Do you think this date is the best possible scenario? And, you know, the mom might come back you and go, listen, she's paying for it herself. This is the one date they could give her, you know, within a year. And, you know, like, I think the mom will level with you and give you the honest answer, and then you can decide how. How much that affects your decision on whether to extend or not. Because I would say if my cousin came back and was really upset that I might extend, I would go, well, did they try everything in their power? They knew this Trip was here. Did they try everything in their power to make their wedding a little bit easier on everyone else, or were they backed into a corner? If my cousin was backed into a corner, I go, I'll be there. So that's my, that's my answer. 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So why not let factor do it for you? You go to the store, you buy too much for one or two people and then you end up eating it all because you feel guilty. Then you try to do grilled chicken and you do salmon and then you get, you do a whole wheat pasta and then you're out of ideas. Factor has 40 menu options, different diets, different lifestyles. I'm going to tell you a week of factor. You're going to get away from that week and you're going to like go, wow, I can feel a difference in my body because I felt it, I did it. Mealtimes just got way easier. Get started@factormeals.com jtrain50off use code jtrain50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code jtrain50off@factor meals.com jtrain50off for 50 off plus free shipping. Factor meals.com jtrain50off I I can attest to factor. It's delicious, it's the right size, it's the right portion. That is in the description of this episode. You're gonna love factor. I like it. It's good. And that portion thing, portion creativity. I honestly, I can't believe that I'm not the marketing director for that company because I think that's like the perfect pitch because when you try to be healthy, you go off of your routine because it's routine factor is going to keep that routine creative. Wow. I just said it. Perfect. Jared, start a marketing agency. Okay, Jared, huge fan. Thank you for all the laughs. Feather. Feather. I'm writing for some advice from the J train himself. Well, you got me, baby. I'm getting drinks with a former colleague to catch up. The vibe between us is friendly but not necessarily flirty. I'm interested in it potentially being more than I thought. I read that wrong. I'm interested in it potentially being more than that though. I don't know if there's mutual interest, but wanted to find out any advice on what to do to shift the drinks from Any advice on what to do to shift the drinks vibe from friendly ketchup to exploring something more. Thank you for everything you do well. Okay. I love this email. It's a great email. Here's what I would say. You need to stop. Let's change your languaging. First and foremost you write I'm interested in potentially being more than that though. I don't know if there's mutual interest but want to find out. How about you see how you feel. Let's keep this in I terms right now if I'm you, I would look in the mirror and I would say I think this former colleague is cute. I think this former colleague is a fun hang. I would like to see if it could be more than that. Then I'd go to drinks because that's what this is about now. You go to drinks and you sit down and have fun and you enjoy their company and you walk away from that drinks seeing if your questions got answered. If you still believe those things. Okay, do you and then I walk away from the drinks. Am I still attracted? Am I still having Am I still do I still believe that they're fun to hang out with? Do I want to see them again and do I want that to be, you know, in the context of an actual date? Because to me, this first drinks to catch up with a friend who you find cute and fun to hang out with is really a fact finding mission. You want to find out a couple and so now we want to find out facts about them. So you want to go on this drinks, you want to see how they've been. So your goals for this, how have they been See the vibe. Because maybe outside of the office, you said, it's a former colleague, it's just not the same. Maybe, you know, work wife, work husband. That was easy. But then you get out here in the real world and it's like, oh, this wasn't right. So again, like, this is not you right now. The way your email is written is, am I gonna be enough for them? Will they like me like I like them? And I think you need to back it up. I think you need to start at do I. Is the vibe the same as it was when we worked together? And is there an opportunity for that vibe to flourish? So now you go on the date. I'm a little out of order, but I would say you go on the date, or let's not call this a date, you go out for drinks with them and you see if the vibe is still there. You. You go have fun. You go catch up. Part of that catch up is, so, are you dating anyone? That's. I think that's a simple, fun question that friends and lovers would exchange stories about. So are you dating anyone? And now you can get. That is where the, the hangout transitions to, I'm going to find out what their deal is. Now they might say, well, I'd be dating this one person, but it's not really. You'll find out right away, especially if it's a guy. If a guy has a girlfriend, he will say he has a girlfriend six weeks after they've actually become boyfriend, girlfriend. Like, if a guy is saying he has a girlfriend, then he really has a girlfriend. If a guy says, I've been on some dates with a few people, then he might have a girlfriend, or he might have someone that believes they're his girlfriend, but he's still out there. If a guy on the date during the drink says, no, I'm completely single, he might have someone who thinks they're his girlfriend, but he is not in a relationship. So if you do get the answer of I'm seeing someone and it's going great, believe that that is the answer. You guys are friends. That's it. If anything less than that, there might still be someone out there, but he's gay. So go on the. Go for the drinks. Change the. Change your perspective a little bit. And at some point. So have you been dating anyone? That's the simple question. So how's dating been? So have you been dating someone? These are all ways to say it that make it easy. So what's going on in your love life? I know this all Sounds cheesy, but that's the transition. That's what gets you into talking about. And then that conversation will go in a direction. I don't think you need more than that. I think once you get the answer, if they're like, cagey, oh, it's horrible. Not really. Now get into your life. How's your dating life been? Been on a few dates. I'm on these apps. It's really been fun, but, you know, not really happening with anyone right now. That's okay to say. You know, have you gone on date? And then here are some follow ups. Been on any great dates lately? Been out with anyone lately? Are you seeing. You know, these are all things. Be interested. That's my suggestion. And also see if you still like them. It's not about. Did you add up to what they're looking for? Are. Do they see me that way too? No. No. Do you still see them that way? That's. That's question one. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcastmail.com I got one more. We're doing three today. Keep sending your emails and come see me on the road. I got a whole new hour from this. I taped a special in December. We'll see what happens with that. But I got a whole new hour from that special already. Listen, it's got. It needs work. You know, we're still painting the walls, but it's good enough to. I have confidence in it, I think. I think it's pretty good. I like doing it. It's fun. And it's about dating. I've kind of come back to the subject a little bit. It's about my parents too. You know, being 40 and single and questions you get. So come to a show. Jared Free dot com. All right, last one. Jared, Love all your stuff. I'm excited to see you in Kansas City soon. Can't wait. Love Kansas City. Need your opinion on if I'm in the wrong and if I come upon this situation again, how I should handle in the future. Okay, here we go. I don't get my nails done often, but was going on vacation, so I decided to treat myself. I called a random nail salon. I called a random nail salon close to my house and they booked me with a girl named Samantha. Initially I thought Samantha did a great job, but two days later, one of the nails began chipping. I decided to call the salon and see if they could fix it. The guy on the phone said yes and I should book the fix with Samantha, but unfortunately she was off for a few days. And I told him I needed to leave for vacation soon. He said, come on in whenever and someone will take care of me. All right. Everything sounds good so far. I'm going to be honest with you. This is a world that I don't know. Like when I get a manicure and a pedicure, which I do and do pretty. I've done. I've done many times. I don't have. They don't paint my nails, so I don't really know the chipping procedure and how people take care of this. To me, it sounds like you've gotten an agreement that they're going to take care of you before you go on vacation. That's what it sounds like for me. I came in the day before my vacation, explained what I had been told on the phone. The man who fixed my nail seemed irritated that he was having to fix it. I can understand why he's irritated, but that is not the way you should act in a service industry. Because the promise was made. He stood up in front of all the customers and yelled to me, why haven't you paid me? Oh my God. I mean, that's not the. That's not the proper way to take care of this. He stood up in front of all the customers and yelled to me, why haven't you paid me? I stopped and responded, I'm sorry. What? And he passive aggressively said, never mind, you're obviously in a hurry. And laughed. I left and stewed about it all night. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, laughing like a child who just got in trouble. Should I have offered to pay? I had assumed since I had already paid. I had assumed since I had already paid for and tipped the initial girl, I would not have to pay again. Maybe I was wrong. Needless to say, I will never show my face at the salon, at that salon again. But moving forward, how would you handle a faulty nail job? I know you get pedicures from time to time and are no stranger to a salon. I'd love your feedback. Faulty finger. So I do have an opinion. I do have an opinion. I again, I will reiterate. I don't know the chipped nail world and the considerations that are made by salons. I will say if here's how I would handle without how he acted is I wouldn't want to go back to that salon either. I think you're within your right to be offended by the guy's reaction. You were told something by someone at his place of business. You were made a promise. That is not your fault that you came in expecting that promise to be fulfilled. I, I, when, when he was finished. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out how. I'm trying to, like, see, paint the picture. When he was finished, I thanked him and started to walk out. He stood up in front of all the customers and yelled to me, why haven't you paid me? Yeah, that. I, I mean, that is just rude. I mean, you, you said, I mean, you wrote in your email, I came in the day before my vacation, explained what I've been told on the phone. So he's explained the deal to me. He shouldn't start working on your nails if he's not agreeing to that deal. Don't do it. And then embarrass me in front of the whole salon. Like, why haven't you paid me for the reason I explained to you when I first met you? And now if the person at the desk, maybe you went to the person at the desk and you explained to them, and they said, okay, go to Phil. And then Phil does your nail fix up, and then he, and then you walk out. Thanks, Phil. And then he says, why haven't you paid me yet? And now there's confusion again. This isn't about you. Here's what I would say, and here's my one piece of feedback to you. You write something very specific. You said, should I have offered to pay? I had assumed since I already paid for and tipped the initial girl, I would not have to pay again. Maybe I was wrong. I do think you tip the person fixing up your nails that chipped. I think that, to me, is the way I would play it. Should you have to know. You know, the person said, you can come in and we'll fix it up. But if I went to a haircut place, if I got a haircut, and a week later I said, I called up the haircut place, and I was like, hey, you didn't really clean me up. My neck is still not really cleaned. Can you fix me up? Because I feel like I'm gonna need another haircut in 10 minutes. When I came in a week ago, if they said, yeah, come in. We'll clean you up, I'd give five bucks to the guy who cleaned me up, and I'd be like, thank you for a job well done. Because the job well done by the next person is not the fault of the person who didn't do a good job the first time. So I do think maybe this person, if I'm to take any position that kind of defends the rude nail Person. My position is this person handled trying to tell you he'd like a tip in the worst way possible. Why haven't you paid me? Screaming that in a room as you're walking out is not really the best way to go about it. Especially after they've been explained. You've explained to them, hey, here's why I'm here. But I would assume. Here's. Here's the nicest way I can play this out. You explain to this guy, hey, I was told to come in here. They said they'd fix up my chip nails. He says, okay, assuming you tip him, then he fixes up your chipped nails. You don't pull out a wallet. You get up and say thank you. And you walk out and he's like, what the fuck? I thought I'd at least get a tip for my time. And then he screams out in a really rude way. That's the only way I could understand this all happening. In that case, I wouldn't go back because I think you were spoken to rudely. But my feedback to you is. I think most people would accept would. I think most people would expect a tip from someone who came in again to get their nail chip fixed up. That would be my thing. Because they are doing a service for you. And this service, while it is because the last person didn't do a great job, it isn't because they aren't doing a good job. Now, that's my. That's my route. My King Solomon ruling on this. It's very cut the baby in half. I'm giving you a little bit of feedback, but I'm also agreeing with you that I wouldn't go back to that salon. So that's my thought. If I went to a haircut place, I'm going to tip the guy. I think that is a fair way to play it. So, listen, we got to make tough decisions here on the J Train podcast. It ain't easy. Jtrainpodcast@gmail com. We're here every Monday. Keep sending your emails back next week. Boom.