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The JTrain Podcast
How Do I Tell My Friends To Stop Asking About My Single Life? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is Jay Train, Jared Freed coming alive from Stamford, Connecticut. That's right, every Monday is a mailbag Monday, where you, the listener, email me the ComEd. That's all you got to do. And it can be any type of advice, lifestyle, friendship, relationship. Whatever you're going through, send it to me. Jtrain podcastmail.com we need your advice emails. Jtrain podcastmail.com it could be something specific. Those are always the ones that I appreciate the most. A real story that's going on. Or it could be just a thought you had. I wonder what Jared might think about this. You can also send it to the jtrain Instagram account Train podcast on Instagram. We're posting clips, clips there. I would love for you to follow that account as well as the YouTube channel at Jared Freed on YouTube. Also, I'm on the road. If you are in Brea, California. I'm coming this weekend. I have so many dates in my calendar that just go look at it. There's a city near you that I'm performing and I want you to come. I want you to assume assemble the group chat. If you listen to this show, then you know, you're kind of my, like okps original key players. I want you at the show. I want you to bring friends. The set is ready. I'm in Stamford right now. I'm having some great shows and I want you there. You're gonna have a fun time. So jaredfree.com for tickets. I got three advice emails in front of me. I got one sponsor. The sponsor is in the description of the episode. That's all my announcements. Follow the Instagram follow. Follow the YouTube. Come to a show Brea, California this weekend. And I'm here in Stamford having great shows. Let's get right to it, Jared. Big fan of you and all you do. And I figured I should come to you with my problem. Welcome. You did it. You're here. And when you hear your family. My ex and I broke up in 2017. All right, 2017. It's 2025. That is a long time ago that, you know, that's eight solid years. That's not. We broke up in the spring and now it's the fall. Okay. My ex and I broke up in 2017 and decided to be friends but still hooked up on. But my ex and I broke up in 2017 and decided to be friends, but still hooked up off and on to me. You're not friends. You. You just lied to yourself in sentence one. You broke up because you didn't see a future or he didn't see a future. And then you hooked up because that was easy. And it was someone that you could trust who you knew liked your naked body and made you feel confident for half a second, but it probably was holding you back. I don't know what you're going to get into. We're going to get into your email, but I'm saying, when you say you're not friends, friends is what you call hooking up with someone so that you don't have to acknowledge that you both or one of you decided there's no future, which is harsh. Again, I understand why you're doing it, but. And we all opt for the easy route instead of the harsh route. The harsh truth is you two are people who find each other attractive but see no future together. That's what it is. Okay, but you write, apart from the physical, we were genuinely best friends. No, you weren't. You. I'm sorry, I just. I just dispute that. But let's go on. In 2020, I met my fiance. I told him immediately that I was best friends with my ex because my ex and I were still hanging out two to three times a week at that point. And although I'm convinced, and although I convinced myself and my ex that nothing would change, I realized once my fiance and I got engaged, that just wasn't an appropriate space for my ex in my life anymore. That's right. Because you're not friends. There was nothing to be gained there. One of you gained the assurance, the confidence boost, you know, the hookup, when you make it about like you're just trying to get sex. No, no. What comes with the sex. What comes with it is the feeling that you're not alone. The cuddles, the. The boost in your self worth for maybe a few minutes, but you're getting it. It's. It's a drug. You're. Why are you going to this drug? So again, to say. Well, I realize I. I think you're making. The words you're using might be an issue, is my point, because. And though I can. And although I convinced myself and my ex that nothing would change, I realized once my fiance and I got engaged, there just wasn't an appropriate space for my ex and my life anymore. To me, you're using words to avoid. We're not. I am. Found someone new that I See a future with. You're avoiding the truth. I cut contact with him rather abruptly after explaining why it wasn't appropriate. I mean even the way to a friend, you wouldn't have to cut contact, you know, abruptly. You could go, let me talk this out with them. You couldn't talk it out with them. Okay, I'm getting in my own way. But I, I cut contact with him rather abruptly after explaining why it wasn't appropriate for us to talk anymore and haven't been in touch since. But I feel compelled to talk to him very often and especially when drinking. Lol. Come on, I'm eye rolling you a little bit because yeah, this is the ghost, the one that got away, the one that never was. You know, I know what you're doing. And when you drink you start to think what could have happened, what would have happened, what should have happened and so you're reaching out to them. You know, we lean on the things that aren't good for us when we drink. Drinking leads to me eating. When I drink, I'm more likely to eat at night. When you drink, you're more likely to contact an ex because they make you feel complete in a different way. Same with me and eating and drinking. I'm going to eat because it completes my night. It makes me feel like I'm being hugged. It's filling a void that I don't know another way to fill it. And that's what I just. I. But I feel compelled to talk to him very often, especially when I'm drinking. Lol. I find myself wanting to know if he's okay. Does this friendship need one last conversation? Do I just let it go and let it be sign conflicted? I. I think you have to have more of a conversation with yourself. Like I find myself wanting to know if he's okay. You're using words to make this sound less bad than it is. That's my opinion. And I'm only getting a one paragraph email. But like, does this friendship need one last conversation? I think you need a conversation with yourself of, hey, we were never friends after we broke up. We were filling each other's needs and helping one another. You know, we were the crutch. Then I met my fiance who you know, and I think the problem is you wanted a future. You wanted marriage and the next step in life and you can find great people who you could do that with but will never do it. And you said this is a. You made a business decision with your heart and you're kind of ignoring that because to You. It has to be friendship and romance and love. But a lot of these decisions of friendship, romance, and love are logistical as well. There's a mix because when you say, I convinced myself and my ex that nothing would change, I realized once my fiance and I got engaged that it just wasn't an appropriate space for my ex in my life anymore. You're. You're. You're. You're. You're using the word appropriate to kind of absolve, like, you know, oh, I would be friends with him if it was appropriate. It's never appropriate. You. You chose a life that included marriage and stability and safety with this person who could do that with you. You chose a business partner that was a good business partner. This is this, to me, that I'm giving a lot of credit to your now husband or fiance, is it fiance? I realized once my fiance and I. Yeah, so. But then when you abruptly leave the friendship quote, unquote, you're kind of leaving that door open in a way, instead of like, hey, we can't talk anymore because this isn't really helping my life. I'm realizing that my husband or my future husband is going to be the person that's going to care for me in the way that you're kind of been caring for me. And I appreciate that you've done that up to this point, but I don't really need you in that way. So now I'm trying to figure out why I would need you, which I don't. I don't need you. I think you're afraid of saying that. So if you can have that conversation with yourself first where you can decide, I don't need this person. Like, the idea, like, I want to make sure. This is like, the craziest. This happens all the time. You're not alone. I'm not saying you're crazy. It's just we all do this. I want to check in and make sure they're okay. If they're not okay, you'll hear about it on the news. If your ex isn't fine, you'll find out about it on a Netflix documentary. Your call isn't needed. It's like, oh, did their flight get in? Okay, well, did you see about a huge crash on the news? No. So they're fine. So I think you're using a different language to make this okay, to soften this, you know, to make this something you could talk about with friends where no one can judge you. I'm not judging you. I'm judging you more because I know what you're doing. And you can't fool papa. J Train J train podcast@gmail.com J train podcastmail.com we are sponsored Herobred. Let's get real. Lettuce wrap suck. Herobread lets you eat real bread without the guilt. Each serving is 0 grams of net carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, and 22 grams of fiber. That means you can enjoy that sandwich and still hit your your goals. Just because hero bread is low carb and high fiber doesn't mean it tastes like cardboard. Hero bread is soft, fluffy, and exactly what you expected it. Whether you're eating their sliced bread loaves, buns, tortillas, or even bagels and croissants. They even whip up small batch drops new products to TR of new products to try. So be sure to keep an eye out. Here's the thing about Herobred. If I showed you, I'm telling you right now, it's delicious. If I held up a loaf of bread in my right hand, a loaf of bread in my left hand, And I said one has zero net carbs, 11 grams of protein, 22 grams of fiber, and the other one is just normal bread, you take the bread with all the good stuff. That's what Herobred is. And I am telling you right now, the bagels are delicious, the toast is great. I love it with my breakfast. Love it. Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero co. Use code JTrain at checkout. That's JTraineHero co. Love Herobread. Into it. Great to put in the freezer. This is great freezer bread. Whatever you're putting in the freezer, just as good without the added benefits of fiber, protein, and 0 grams of net carbs. I'm just telling you. Hey, big fan. Longtime listener Jared. As a chronic single person over here, how do you navigate the constant questions around your relationship Status? I'm turning 30 in August, and I'm so sick of people making me feel like there's something wrong with me for being single. How do you answer this question? Assuming you get hounded too? Thank you. Yeah. If you come to my. If you want to feel seen, if you read this, if you heard this email and you're like, man, that sounds like the issues I'm going through. Come to my show. There's a lot about this in my new standup. Come to the show. Assemble the group chat. Bring your friends who ask you these questions because a lot of the set is directed at them. I'm not gonna get into those bits or those jokes. But I'm gonna say to you, you can control the narrative. And I'm gonna point out one part of your email. Jared, as a chronic single person over here, stop calling yourself chronic single person. It's not funny. It's not cool. It's not helping you get less questions. You are you, and you happen to be single. When you do the whole game of self victimization and telling your story in this dramatic way. I'm the chronic single friend. When you're trying to put a bio in the playbill of your life and trying to write the character profile that everyone sees, you're doing yourself a disservice. I'm the single friend. And everyone talks down to me about my single life. And it's like, you're talking down to yourself already. I'm the chronically single one. Can't find a guy. Oh, woe is me. I can't find a girlfriend. Like, if you start the conversation by talking about yourself in that way, they're going to ask more questions. Well, why are you chronically single? Chronic. You've been diseased with singleness. Like, I don't even know the word meaning of the word chronic, but it sounds like you've made it into a bigger thing than it is. You are you. You are great. And you happen to be single for now, and you'd love to meet someone new. So I think you have to change your perspective before people change their perspective on you. And this isn't me being like, it's all your fault. I hope you don't take it that way. It's not all your fault. Your friends are assholes. They're being assholes. They're not being thoughtful. They're not even really being real friends. Friendships is nuanced. Friendship is conversations. And there's people in your life that you probably talk to as if they're the same person as the person working in the lo. You're being nice and you're just keeping up the, you know, the pretense of a relationship when there's really no relationship at all. If I had a friend say, hey, how are you still single? I'd be like, what are you talking about? I thought we were friends. And so. But the tertiary people, the people on, like, the second rim that you see out at a bar every now and again, hey, what's going on? Are you dating a lot? Are you seeing anyone? I'd love to meet someone, but things are great. That's all you gotta say? I'd love to meet someone, but things are really great. How are you practice that? Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it positive. That's. That's the advice for any single person that doesn't want to get into their single life. And because you do get asked questions weirdly depthy when you're single, you get asked questions that are weirdly soul searching that you would never ask a married couple. You would never ask a married couple, so how's the marriage? But they're gonna ask you, how single life. And you have to go, well, it's good on Mondays and bad on Tuesdays, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone. And oh, my God, why am I talking to my friend's cousin about my life like this? Right? You forget. And then you're like, man, did I just spew at this friend's cousin? So I hear where you're coming from. It's really easy, though, to be positive and better about how you talk about yourself as a chronic single person. You wrote that if someone said to me, I'm a chronic single person, I would go, what happened? I'm single too, but I'm not chronic single. So you're creating questions. Jtrain, podcastmail.com, jtrain podcast@gmail.com. we got one more email. We're going to read it. These are fantastic emails. I love these. Make sure you send yours in. You can also send it to the Instagram account at J Train Podcast. Jared, Quick plug. I found you through the toast and loved your episode with Jax and friends. I loved being on the toast, so thank you. I've been binging Mailbag Mondays ever since. Thank you. You're so hilarious. I was crying laughing at your frozen y. I really appreciate that. That rant didn't come from nowhere. I am. Listen, I'm a Froyo fan. I love that frozen yogurt question. If you have more like that. The size of a frozen yogurt. Yogurt. How big or small should it be? Love it. Anyways, I have a situation. Over the Fourth of July, I went to the Bahamas with 15 friends. Wow, that's great. Six girls, nine guys. Most of us were single. And it turned into full on Love island vibes. Bikinis, booze, beach, shared beds. One guy I used to flirt with in college. We ended up sharing a bed the first night and we ended up kissing. Bravo. Love it. The next day, I flirted with someone else, but my OG guy doubled down. I mean, this is literally an episode of Love island holding hands, calling it our honeymoon. That's a little bit protective. That's a little lion in the wild action there. And. And we'll get into this. I'm not sure where this is going because I. I like to read these with you, but I have a hunch. Well, I won't get into hundreds. Let's read the email. The next day, I flirted with someone else, but my OG guy doubled down, holding hands, calling it our honeymoon, quote, unquote. Even sending himself photos I took that night. We made out again on the. On the. On the flight home. We sat together, watched a movie. I ended up staying over at his apartment. Just first base since then, radio silence. I don't want to text him first, but it felt like more than a fling. Am I overthinking this? Should I say something? Thanks. Love the pod. I love this email. I love it because you're not seeing what I see so clearly. What I see so clearly is. And this is kind of like, you know, you go on this vacation, 16 people, nine men, five, you know, would you say six girls, nine guys, and night one, one of your, you know, the. The crush. And this is kind of like, you go, what's the difference between dating today and dating before the Internet? And this is it. You guys went on a trip that kind of turned things into dating before the Internet. It was just, you know, many men, nine guys, six women. And those nine guys being like, okay, I want to have a fun time. What are our options? And the options are the six women right in front of your face. There's no. Because you're. You're in the Bahamas. There's no dating app. There's no people at the bar. You have your group, and your group is, like, the closest thing to human interaction. Human, I'm talking about not human interaction. That's probably the one. Your group is the fastest way to a cuddle. And that's what happened. So now he zones in on you, and then you start flirting with someone else. He sees, this is animal. This is. This is Lord of the Flies that you're living in. He sees another man, another. Another hunter is. Is coming after his prey, and he says, no, no, no. He zones back in on you, starts calling in your honeymoon to make it more important so that he wins you from the other guy. And again, this is what happens when you close off the parameters. And it might sound sad to you. You might go, well, am I doomed? Dating apps and living in. I think you probably live in a city. I would assume, let's say you live in New York City. Now the world gets wider. Now the options become big. You know, more options, more people. More, you know, less things to deal with. Less people watching you. You know, you. This guy can now go on a date in New York City and not have to deal with the friends asking about anything. Because with you, there's a. There's obviously like a connection with the friends and all this stuff, what's going on with Laura. And you go and, oh, we're just, you know, just seeing what this is. And now there's pressure. So then you get back and there's radio silence. Of course you've left the island. You know, things are different now. You say, I don't want to text him first. Listen, I think you need to get out of that game. In my opinion, it doesn't matter who texts him first. What do you want? You have had a kiss. And here's the other part. On the flight home, we sat together, watched a movie, ended up staying over at his apartment, just first base. So now you were on a vacation, had a kiss. Then he blocks you off from meeting anyone else. Then he goes on the plane with you and has this, like, romantic, like, let's watch a movie. We'll start it at the same time. Then he sleeps over and you have a kiss. Now what? The message he has been sent by you, which you are not wrong for sending this, is that you want something more, that you don't want to be with someone. You're not just looking to hook up. So he goes and has to make his decision. He goes back because you guys just kiss on that sleepover. He goes home and he goes, okay, so if I call her again, like, we're going on not just a real date, but like a date date, like, we are going on a. Let's see what this can be. Maybe this will move quick. And it would move quick. It's not going to move slow with you. You know that if you guys go on another date and you go for dinner and you end up hooking up, you would take that as, this is a real thing. And then you said, but it felt like more than a fling. You even just said that I don't want to text him first, but it felt like more of a fling. He knows that. That's why he's backing off. He's trying to make his decision. I would be so honest that it gets you an answer because you're asking me to give you an answer. I can give you the. The. The move to make to get your answer. If you want to hear It. Am I overthinking this? No, I think you're thinking about this pretty. I think you're thinking about this the appropriate amount. Do you want to be thinking about this for a long time? Yes or no? If it's a no, you can take my advice. Should I say something? Yes. I would send the text that says, hey, I had a really great time hanging with you in the Bahamas. I'd love to go on another go on a date now that we're back in town. I had a really great time meeting in the Bahamas. I'd love to go on another go on it. Go. I'd love to go on a date with you now that we're back in town. Make a plan and I'm in. He's either going to make a plan or he's not. If he doesn't, you have to cut this off because he's not looking for real. His caveman instincts took over while on the island when there was, you know, had to survive, guy gotta eat. So he found a woman that he was into. And you said you guys have a history. Most of us are single. Turned into a fall in love island vibes. One guy used to flirt with in college. So he saw the college opportunity again. We have to like see what this guy is as a hooker upper. He didn't go to the island and meet someone brand new and take, you know, and. And talk them up and take a chance. He went to the person that he had been flirting with for years now. And again, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I'm saying let's take him for what he is. And what we're ignoring is you guys have been flirting since college. So he took the open tab he had and went to that one instead of, hey, I'm a new person who's grown up and matured and I'm thought about my taste. So I'm going to go for the person that I haven't even met yet. Again, he went the easy route. So he keeps going the easy route. So then he goes to the person he's already been. He goes to the person he's already been flirting with. You guys kiss. Then you start flirting with someone else and he's like, oh my God, I'm going to lose my option. So then he goes and talks about how it's our honeymoon and says a lot of sweet things. Then you guys kiss again. Then you get back and all of a sudden it's going to be difficult and he backs away. So that might be who he is. That is not me saying, give up on this. That is me saying, you have one shot to take. The one shot is, hey, I had a really great time hanging with you in the Bahamas. I would love to go on a date now that we're back in town, make a plan and I'm in. Now, if he gets back to you with excuses or again, the only thing that matters at that point, you have reduced this to, and this is how I'm helping you. I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you what is on his mind. I can tell you when you send that text. He can send two things. One, a plan and a reservation. Or two, a bunch of jibber jabber. If he goes into, oh, I got things going on this week. And, oh, my God, things are so busy and I just got back, oh, I haven't texted you because this, this, and that happened. That's. That's a no. So it's plan or it's a no. That's what you've done by taking my advice. Now if he goes into jibber jabber mode, all you have to say is not answer. So you don't answer. And then a week later, like, hey, I just want to let you know, no harm, no foul. I don't. I'm not offended. I just think we should stop texting because I tried to make a plan with you and you didn't do it. If you need that, you might not need that. That might be too strong. But the way you're text, you're emailing me. The way you're languaging the email, you sound like you are woman, 27, living in New York, wanting to find a boyfriend. If he can't even make that date after you guys have hung out and gotten to know each other's personalities over that weekend, then he ain't gonna be the guy. And you want more. That's okay. Admit that. Admit that. Send the text I told you to send, and then you're done. This is a. This is a tight one. I love this. Keep sending your emails. Jtrain Podcast. Com. I'm on the road. Come to a show. Jaredfree. Com. I got dates aplenty. I like saying that. Dates aplenty. Back next week. Boom.