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How do I uninvite my girlfriend to a wedding? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag Monday. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Rochester, New Mark. That's right. Every Monday is a mailbag Monday. You, the listener, send in your emails, and me, the comedian and podcaster, give you some perspective, tell you what's on my mind. And. Yeah, why would you send something to the J Train Podcast mailbag Monday? Well, you have a problem. You have something that's been on your mind, and you want an honest answer. You want an honest perspective. You want to tell someone who isn't going to soften also isn't going to have this backstory with you that makes you not trust their opinion or makes it so their opinion isn't trustworthy. I like when I put different enunciations on different syllables. Not worthy. It makes you sound like you're some sort of British detective coming to a conclusion. I'm in Rochester, New York. I'm here for shows this weekend, but I'm speaking to you in the future. That's right. Taping ahead of time for my mailbag Monday. I'm going to be in Nashville all week doing shows at Zany's lab. They have a new room called the lab. It's a smaller room to. Again, a lab is where you work it out. You put together your potion, see if the experiment produces any results. And that's what I'll be doing. I'll be doing new material new to you. I've been working on it since the special taping. Every now and again before I taped a special, you know, you'd have a night where you're like, I'm tired of this material. Let me just talk about something else. And this is what I was talking about. So I had a few jokes, you know, ready to go. Probably had like five minutes once the. The special was taped. And now we're up to. We got a good chunk. We got a good chunk. So we're gonna try and turn that chunk into a beautiful Our piece. That's right. We're gonna head to the lab, gonna put it, take out our beakers again. I did the annuncia. Is that a syllable? Difference that I just did. Beakers. Take out our be cares. Put on my goggles. Our Bunsen burners. What a fun. What a fun name. Bunsen burner. Great name. Mr. Bunsen. I got two emails in front of me. If you want to be a Part of Mailbag Monday. We always need an email. We always need an email. We always need a problem. We always need a screenshot. We love a screenshot. Send it to jtrain podcastmail.com that's jtrain podcastmail.com so you can be a part of this great show. Also we have the patreon patreon.com jaredfried that is where you get coffee with J Train. If you want the five days a week of J Train, you got to pay for that fifth day coffee with J Train. I haven't even taped yet. I'm taping this on a Thursday. I got to tape it after we're done here. It is my diary. It is my, my musings from the week. It is a story time. This week there was a big reveal. I, I know I said I just haven't taped it, but I know I'm going to reveal something on this week's Patreon. Five bucks a month. Patreon.com Jared I just did. I just pronounced Patreon. Peter Patreon. Patreon.com Jared Freed Five bucks a month. And lastly, YouTube. We are putting up stand up. We v. Our trusty producer of this show is helping me with the YouTube channel. We're trying to grow it. How does, how does a channel grow? Here's my ask of you. I'm going to make a ask. This podcast is small but mighty. We have a great listenership that continues to come back every week. And I can't thank you enough for me from the bottom of this cold, dark heart, let me just say thank you. What I'd like from you, if you ever see something of mine, like it, comment, if you got the time, share it. That is huge to me and I'm talking about all platforms, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, threads, but YouTube specifically. We love a, like, we love a share, we love a comment, we love the YouTube getting touched. And every Saturday I'm making an investment to try and grow this YouTube channel with real money. Real dollars are going into this. So I want you guys to go subscribe to the YouTube channel. That would be amazing. But like, and go watch. These are what I'm trying to do with Saturday night J Train is take you inside a comedy club and let you see what's going on there. So this weekend in Rochester, they tape all the shows. So I'll have, I would think at a minimum one video from Rochester, maybe five, because I got five shows and it will be exchanges, you know, whatever, whatever comes up during the course of an hour show and especially right now with the material kind of being a little bit in the works. As I just mentioned the Bunsen burners, you're going to get more wonkiness so. YouTube.com jaredfried I have two emails, two ads. The ads are in the description of this episode. My ask for the ads are the are the same every week. If they help you, let, let me help you. So if, if they help you then you use the code and then I get helped and the show you like gets helped. So it's a the circle of podcast. Okay, let's do our first email. Jtrain podcastmail.com Feather Feather I've got a wedding predicament and would love your perspective. Thank you. That's what this show is all about. I got some pop ups in the way. Get out of here. Pop ups. I've got a wedding predicament and would love your perspective. A longtime friend is getting married at the end of June. I love I love reading these emails. A long time friend, not a best friend. Someone and I know that friend. The friend since birth that is just stuck with you like a sibling. They're a friend but long time friend. Not a best friend but they could pop into your life at any time and you got to make time for them. That's a long time friend. He sent save the dates in October but hasn't shared any details since. I don't like that. I want my save the day to let me know where, when, what time. I guess where and when. I mean I don't know what other anything I would else where, when dress code. Maybe not dress code but save the date. He said in the same dates in October but hasn't shared any details since. So we're now sitting here in April. Assuming I had a plus one. I invited my girlfriend and we planned to fly. Well you made the big mistake. Assuming I had a plus one. No, no, no. You got sent a save the date to you. I. I don't know how save the dates go, but I would assume the save the date would be you plus one on the invitation. But I. I don't. Okay, well listen. October again long time friend. It's not someone you keep up with day to day, but it's someone you are attached to and can't really miss a wedding of theirs. Okay, he sent the save the dates in October but hasn't shared any details since. Assuming I had a plus one. Your first mistake. I invited my girlfriend. We plan to fly to my hometown, meet my family, then drive to the Wedding. You have done exactly what I would do. You basically were like, here's the opportunity. I'll pack all of this into one trip. This is a man writing this. This is a man who is just like me. Because you're like, oh, wedding, girlfriend, family. Let me smush it all together. Take something that would be special and make it really not special by making it this organizational, logistical thing that isn't romantic. And, hey, we're all just here. You can meet. I can go to the wedding. One plane ticket. Cheap, cheap, cheap. This is. This is Johnny Cheapskate, which is me going, oh, I got. I got this chick that I've been hooking up with who I call my girlfriend. I got these old people I call parents who pay my cell phone bill. How do I get them together without making it into this big to do? And it's kind of because of the wedding, but it's because I want to introduce her, but it's not too big a thing. I think what you've done is what I would do. But no woman would be, like, 100% crazy about. She'd be happy. She wouldn't complain, but she. She would still not, like, run to the. Meeting the parents. He's paying for our plane tickets. We're flying to his place. We're spending the weekend in his house. No, no, no. We have this wedding, and I guess I'm meeting the parents, so he's shoehorning them in. I like this email because I like me. I invited my girlfriend. We plan to fly to my hometown, meet my family, and then drive to the wedding. She even declined another wedding that weekend to attend. Okay, stakes are high. I think I know what's coming. When I finally asked, my friends said they have a strict guest count and budget, so I can't bring her. The wedding is at a resort with booked guest rooms, but I'm fine staying in the next town if needed. Am I wrong for feeling annoyed? No, you're not. You're not wrong for feeling annoyed. He ruined your. Your longtime friend, ruined your big plan and made life harder on you and made a very difficult conversation. Has. Your friend has created a difficult conversation. Now, not only are you taking away this wedding from your girlfriend, you're also taking away the parent meeting, and you're also taking away the wedding she could have gone to had she not canceled it to go to your wedding, which she did, because she's going to meet your parents, too, and make this thing a little bit more serious than it was the day before. So, yeah, you got A big old problem. And it's because of your cheapness. It's because you're wading into the relationship waters. You're not jumping into that lake and going, here's my girlfriend. Hey, mom and dad, look at her tits. Those are tits I lick every week. And maybe for the rest of my life. You're not cheering about this relationship. You are doing this logistically, which is something I have done in my relationships. Oh, well, one plus one equals two. And I guess I got this girlfriend and the parents will be there and they could meet. Why not? And plus the wedding and we'll get drunk and have fun and we'll stay at a resort. Now this guy, your. Your accomplice in your lazily move along into life agenda screwed you. So your accomplice in the let me kind of inch my way into the waters of life so that I have like, this out again. You came here for unbiased opinion, but I'm like, speaking directly to myself and you might be like, well, I didn't. Maybe you're saying, well, no, I really want her to meet my parents. Well, you're not doing it on your own. You're doing it with this other reason that kind of cuts meeting the parents at the knees. And that's just something I do without noticing until after the fact. And I go, yeah, I didn't really sprint into my relationship. I kind of let other things happen to me and then I reacted and now they're not as important as maybe they could have been. And maybe I'm avoiding making things really important because I'm avoiding making this relationship more that, you know, huge. And then I'll have to deal with the consequences if it doesn't work out. Again, I am speaking to myself. If I'm going to, like, take myself out of this a little bit, yes, you can be annoyed with your friend. It is annoying. The emailer writes, I get the budget constraints, but with no communication for months, I assumed you should. You're wrong. I. You can be annoyed, but every time you write assume about someone else's wedding, you're wrong. But with no communication for months, I assumed plus ones were allowed with. With someone else's wedding. I. That's where I'm not with you. I'm not assuming anything with something someone else pays for. I don't assume things with other people's money, which a wedding vi invite is someone else's bank account that you're assuming. Also, how would you break the news to my girlfriend that you can't come after all that's your big. To me, that's your biggest issue. You have gotten your girlfriend excited about this parent meeting, which, that is something she, she is more excited. I. Your. Your girlfriend hasn't met your parents yet. I had a plus one. I invited my girlfriend and we planned to fly to my hometown, meet my family. So to me, if they, if they've met already, okay. But to me, I'm taking that as you're meeting your family with your girlfriend for the first time. So it means you guys are somewhat new. Ish. And she's excited that this is an adult weekend. This is you two cosplaying adulthood. You're not at the bars, you're not out late night, you're not meeting up and having, you know, a, you know, a day walking around and getting drunk. This is two adults traveling together, meeting with family and then going to a, a dress up event where she's also going to meet your other longtime friend. So you're annoyed at your friend because he ruined your big plan of like getting this all done in one weekend and now you have to roll things back. Here's my advice. I think you call the friend one more time and you let them know, hey, I gotta just check one more time. I've made promises to my girlfriend. She's supposed to come and meet my family. We have gotten pretty serious since you've sent this. Save the date. If there's room for one more, I would love to bring her that. If you are serious about your girlfriend, you do this. If you're serious about this relationship. And, and again, this is a mirror moment. And this is the mirror moment that I just had with myself, talking to myself in my past relationships that you just heard me have this like semi breakdown, you know, you, this is a look in the mirror moment. If you take this thing seriously, you go to him one more time. If you don't take this thing seriously and there's some question as to whether this is as real as, as, as you, as, as this might imply. You don't go to the friend and you walk it back with her and say, hey, he doesn't have this plus one. And then it gives you a, it kind of gives you a second to sit and breathe with this relationship and make sure that it's something that you really want to be in. Maybe this is like the. And again, someone is out there and you know there's a woman out there who's like angry at this advice, but I'm like, this is God giving you a moment to Take a breath. Now, if the guy says, I can't do it. Now, if you decide this is a relationship I really want to take seriously, I'm excited to have her meet my parents. I'm excited for her to see my hometown. I'm excited for her to meet my friends. Maybe it's. You bring her. You have the meeting with the parents, you do all the things that you would have done, and you go to the wedding on your own, and you come back early to the hotel and you guys have a weekend together. Maybe while the wedding's going, she gets dinner and hangs out at the resort. You said it is at a resort with book guest rooms. Maybe she hangs at the resort and then she gets to do room service, which who amongst us doesn't want to sit in a robe and watch Netflix and have room service? I mean, that's a great night. And she gets all the pomp and circumstance of you meeting the parents and kind of moving this thing along. She comes and meets up late night. And then after, you guys go to a bar, you plan a place that you guys can go together. Maybe that's a. That's an option. The other option is the nuclear option. And that's. Hey, I screwed up. I made assumptions I shouldn't have made. You have to own. This is not on your friend. You don't assume with anyone's wedding for this long. Maybe for a week, but then you go, hey, let me make sure before I start inviting people and planning this parent meeting that you know, that. That I'm trying to shoehorn into this wedding. So you have to assess how seriously you take this relationship and how excited you are to have you and her move to a next step. Because this is a next step to her. This is a next step to your parents. This is next step to everyone. But maybe you. Then you go to the groom. Hey, I have to ask you one more time. I made assumptions I shouldn't have made. I am sorry. But I have to know if my girlfriend can come, because this became kind of a big weekend for me. I'm introducing her to my parents. You know my parents. You know how much they're gonna be excited to meet her. And if he says no, can't do it. Nuh. We have a strict guest list because people drop out all the time. And he could go to someone and they could be like, oh, you know, we're gonna. We'll fit him in. And it's a longtime friend, so it's like a family member friend. If they say no, then you offer. Then you say, I feel horrific about this, but I had other plans for this weekend that I'm excited about. Give the robe option. If any of this sounds scary to you and like a chance to get out, then maybe this is the invitation you need to give and you need to go and say to her, I tried everything I could do. Can we do another weekend where we go and hang with my parents in the future? And that gives you a little time to breathe on it and plan the correct weekend for her to hang with your parents? This is a. This is. This is a tough one. There's a lot going on here. I probably went to the. You and the girlfriend being serious more than you thought I would. You thought I was gonna get annoyed. You. You asked if you should be annoyed. Yeah, I think you should be annoyed with the circumstance you've put yourself into. And your friend the accomplice didn't really help you out to cheapskate through, you know, the parent meeting and life. Jtrain, podcastmail.com, jtrainpodcastmail.com, we're sponsored. Guys, do you want to look a little younger? Maybe feel more confident when you look in the mirror? Caldera Lab has you covered with simple but effective skincare that's backed by science. Developed by leading cosmetic chemists who specialize in men's skin care, this stuff is the real deal. Try out their award winning serum called the Good, which has 27 active botanicals and 3.4 million antioxidant units per drop. And the base layer, a non greasy moisturizer that'll level your. Level up your skin. Listen, if you're like me, you probably don't use a lot of skin products. You probably have, you know, the men that are listening. If you're a man listening, you probably don't have a lot of stuff. Caldera is a great start. I love that it's just two things and they're easy to put on. 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That's code Jtrain50OFF@Factor Meals.com Jtrain50OFF for 50% off plus free shipping. Those are our ads. They're all in the description of this episode. We're going to do one more. One more email. One more. We got one more. Jared Feather. Feather. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. Okay, well, I'm sorry you're going through a breakup. I'm sorry you ended things. I'm also going to say congratulations. That's really tough to do to end something with someone that you've been with for two years and have been reflecting on the many they wrote in caps. Many issues we had. I was curious to hear your thoughts on one of them in particular. Okay, so this, this is every ex boyfriend's worst nightmare. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. They write. So it's like this woman broke with her boyfriend and I got the thinking. You're like, oh, of the many issues we had and what do you think other straight man. Please tell me I can go yell at him again after I've dumped him. To me, when you're going through the issues of the relationship after you dump someone, that is someone who forced you into dumping them, in my opinion. But I haven't read this, so let's go. In almost every single argument we had, he would agre. He aggressively called me a. I hate that I'm sorry, dumb bitch, stupid bitch, et cetera, Straight up to my face. I'm, you know, again, I go from joking around and being big old chubby idiot here to I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I genuinely. That no, no one deserves to be aggressively called a bitch. That's just not nice and scary, you know? Okay. So straight up to my face. After the first time he did it, I made it clear that his words hurt me and it was unacceptable. Obviously, he kept doing it anyways. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude, and bitch is a very common word in my vocabulary. But something about a man calling his partner a bitch directly to her face doesn't sit right with me. Yeah, I don't think you. I don't think I hear you're writing this out to me and you're, you're, you're doing what we do nowadays, and it's like thinking of every single person who would disagree with you and try to bring up rebuttals to those disagreements, if any. The idea that someone would get you on a technicality that you use. Well, you said, you know, you know, what's up. Bitch is not the same as calling someone a dumb or a stupid bitch that they're in a relationship with and saying it aggressively. Those are not the same things. You would never catch me dead, you know, trying to get you on. Will you swear you prudent. Anyone who would do that to you is someone who is not a. They're a bad actor. They don't want to talk with you. They want to down you. They want to make. They want to win. They want to dominate you. So I consider me someone who's not gonna do that to you. I'm not gonna play that game. Well, you use the word bitch in conversation every time. Go fuck yourself. I would say to that person aggressively that I'm not in a relationship with. I. Oh, now, now I'm the aggressor. I'm just saying. I just think that is so not a fair fight and not a fair conversation to you. So I understand why you're doing that. You're saying I'm not a prude. I don't mind bad language. But you know, but these are different things and you know, that's why it's wrong because everyone knows that. Everyone knows that using the word bitch and calling your girlfriend during a fight a dumb bitch aggressively are two very different things. One is scary and is. Is a, you know, borderline abusive. I or I. The word abusive comes to mind and I. But I don't know the situation. But I'm just saying I think comparing you using the word bitch and getting called a. No, no, no. That is not the. Those are not in the same phylum to me. I would never think to use such insulting language to my partner. I know that now. I now I know now that staying with him after the first few instances let him know he can continue the behavior and I would stay. I know now that staying with him after the first few instances let him know he can continue the behavior and I would stay. Well, I listen, I'm also not in the business of blaming the victim here. Telling your partner, I don't like when you argue with me that way. There's another way to argue with me and discuss and there's another way for us to hash things out without calling people names. And then you trying to make the relationship better is hopeful and that getting taken advantage of the idea that you staying in it was that. Well, that's you saying you're cool with it. No, no, no, no. That's not. Again, not a fair fight. I don't think. I think you're putting a lot of blame on yourself and you're feeling. And again, you're in the post breakup. You feel guilty from a breakup. I understand but you know, I disagree that you staying in a relationship is telling them they can use. I guess if you're dealing with a dog who doesn't have reasoning skills and doesn't, you know, is an animal yet. I guess that would be. That's how you train a dog. Not. Not your partner. Each instance cut me deep every single time. Mixed with all the other ongoing verbal abuse I endured ultimately led me out the door, thankfully. But I'm curious what you think? Is it okay for a man to call his girlfriend a bitch directly to her face? No, it's not okay. They sign this a sensitive question mark batch. No, I listen, I'll make my own assumptions. You're in the breakup. You broke up with someone that everyone. I think you need to be kinder to yourself. I think right now you're. You Said you recently broke up with your boyfriend of two years. You're in this like you got letting the dust settle and you're looking back and you're trying to give yourself the. It sounds like again, I'm no professional. I'm just a screaming idiot with a microphone that people happen to listen to. I'm a comedian. I am sensitive and take things from emails and make. So I do think going to a professional therapist and talking through this with them and talking through the relationship is probably a good idea and something you should, you know, think about. I'm not that person. What I will say as a person with a microphone with no credentials whatsoever, when you get out of a breakup, you kind of. And especially when you. And what I've noticed from women who write in here is they, when a relationship ends, they've got to have this like, they've got to have like a full seemingly. This is from my end. When a relationship, when a woman has a relationship ends, whether they're ended with or they end it with someone else, it seems like they need this whole like well written thesis statement on why it ended. And without that they feel vulnerable that people will assume it was their fault it ended or they didn't try hard enough or that they were somehow, you know, not worthy. And I just, I want you to know that I've noticed that and it's not true. You don't need to look back at this relationship and give and have me tell you that you getting called a bitch is good enough reason for you to end it. And you probably didn't want to end a two year relationship. You probably tried everything you could. That's why you stayed in it afterwards. Not, not because you didn't try. You stayed in it afterwards because you were like, okay, maybe it'll be better this time. You were hopeful. You let him know, that's not how I talk to a partner. That's how I, not how I want to be spoken to. And, and the reason he kept doing it is he knew it hurt you and he was looking for ways to hurt you. So I'm sorry this happened. When you say, is it okay for a man to call his girlfriend a bitch directly to her face? No. And you know that you don't need me to tell you that. Is it okay that you ended your two year relationship? Yeah, that's the, and that's the harder question that you're probably dealing with, Dwight. You're looking for these things to go to your friends and go, hey, this is my assumption too, okay? Let this be my assumption, this is my opinion, that you're looking for these hard and fast reasons that you're, you know, you're not less than because you're without a relationship, you're single again. I don't think you need to do that. I understand why you're doing that. I think you're going to be great. You're going to be okay. You're going to be fine. I think the time right now is to talk to a professional. Go hang with friends and family. Go. And I would say, and I say this after all breakups, and I talk about this a lot, you got to hang with those people where there's nothing to be gained. Parents, friends, siblings. Because you were used to having your cup filled by someone who was filling it up with something that wasn't real. They weren't a good partner to you. You didn't feel full. You were, you weren't satiated by this relationship. That's why you ended was junk food. It filled you up for 10 minutes and then an hour later you're like, why am I hungry again? I should be full. I just ate. That's what a bad relationship is. It's fake full. So I think you gotta go and this is my advice. I know you didn't ask for this, but I know you know the answer to your own question. And I think that you going and hang out with like a friend that you go, oh, man, I. Sometimes you hang with a friend, you're like, I feel good for a week. And you're like, oh, that was. That's the one I'm looking to mirror. That's the relationship. That's the fulfillment. That's the satiety. Satiety. Say, Shetty, I just tried to call back to the wrong syllable on the syllable thing from the beginning. Mailbag Monday, back next week, Boom.