← The JTrain Podcast
The JTrain Podcast
I Can't Get Over My Booty Call! Help!! - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
00:40:17
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
Jared Freed
It's a Mailbag Monday. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. He's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Boca. That's right, it's a Mail Bag Monday. Want to thank you for being a listener of this podcast. I love doing this show. I love that you the listener. Allow me to tinker with this show. I like that you send emails that you trust me with your problems. Remember, if you have an email, if you have a question, if you have a problem, we will air it out here. J Train podcast gmail.com. that's J Train podcast@gmail.com. if you want us DM it, go to the J Train Instagram account at J Train Podcast. We love a screenshot. I don't know. I'm itching for a screenshot email. So if you got a screenshot email, let's get to that. We are in what they call the holiday season now. Let me give you kind of let's get some business done with business. This weekend, I'm taping the special in Tarrytown, New York. We have more tickets have been released. More tickets. So if you missed out on the early show and you wanted to go to that and you were like, I don't want to go to the Late Show. Get those tickets now. There are more. There's. I think we release 50, because when you do a special, you have to kill seats for cameras and things of that nature. And then once they sell it and they figure out the room and how it's going to look, then they go, oh, we got these extra seats. And you release them the week of the show. So there's more seats open if you're going to be in Des Moines. Des Moines, Iowa. I'm excited to come to you, Des Moines. It's been a bit. You're my go to Des Moines. My go to random city City. Whenever I'm thinking, I don't know why, it just comes up. The idea just the random place that I think of is always Des Moines. I just like saying Des Moines. I don't know what it is. It's something about Iowa. It seems so foreign to me as a Northeasterner. So, Des Moines, I'm coming. I've been shouting you out for years, so I'm coming. Batavia. Now, when you tape a special, the the materials dead. It's over, it's done. We move on. So that is the fun and beauty of standup Comedy, that is. You start at zero. The minute that taping ends this Saturday night, I got nothing. I just got my. My bare hands. I got nothing. I'm just a loser with no jokes. I got no funny. So this is a really great way for me to promote the shows. So I'm coming to Des Moines with no funnies. Not one. It's gonna be a weird. I mean, I would. I'm just preparing you. It's gonna be a weird show. So that's why I'm going to Batavia. A lot of people have been like, why Batavia? It's. It's an hour outside of Chicago. Listen, if you're in Chicago, I'm not, like, begging you to take an hour drive. I get it. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to Batavia. I'm gonna be working material out. The reason I'm doing it this weekend is it's a new club. They asked me to come, which is nice. And then also, I'm gonna be loose. We're gonna have notes on the page. We're gonna try out some stories, try out some jokes, see if we can put together a newish set. Then I'm coming to Portland, Oregon, and Phoenix, Arizona. Then I'm in Australia and New Zealand. G'day, mate. So that's the schedule coming up. Happy holidays. This, to me, is, like, a fantastic time of year, especially New York. I never really understood New York and the. You know, the holiday. I understand. I guess my family never did it. So I never really understood the idea of some, like, family, you know, taking a holiday vacation in New York, and then you watch, like, Home Alone 2 and you kind of get it. I would say to you, it is a fantastic and beautiful time to be in the city, especially if there's a little snowflake here and there. So I'm taping this from Boca. I'm just coming off of Thanksgiving. I hope you all had a happy and a healthy feeling. Energized. I just played some golf. We have three sponsors today. Indochino, I would say to you right now, I put on a suit. I had to wear a suit for Thanksgiving. And there was some concern. Will the suit fit? It's like this, like, big reveal. Here's what I would say to you. If you're stressing about whether a suit will fit, if you're thinking of a holiday gift, Indochino, this is a great gift. You will be thought of. Every time they put on a suit that is custom made to their body, they have other things. They have other Things. I'm just saying, let's start at the suits. And that's because that's what they're known for this season. Instead of just looking for good deals, get a deal that will make you look good. Get custom made clothing at the best prices all year from the global leader. And made to measure apparel. Indochina. That's the. That's the phrase. Made to measure. Design the suit of your dreams and fine tune every detail, including lapels, lining, monographs, even pockets, flaps. I didn't even know you could design your own pocket flap. Here's the thing. I have Indochina. I have the pants. I love them because you put them on, you go, I can trust them. There's no stress. You're going to love your Indochina suit now. And I will say, nothing beats made to measure. You are not off the rack. You're not. I'm sorry. Let's take a look in the mirror. You look in the mirror and say to yourself, I'm not off the rack. I'm not. I'm a weirdly shaped man. So are you. You're a weirdly shaped human. Make a suit that fits you, not some model that they measured it off of. You're not a model. I'm not a model. This is a fun ad. You're not a model. I'm not a model. We're all fat and disgusting. Why not have a suit that fits you, right? With their cyber sale going on now through December 8th, get DoorDash door crasher shirts starting. Door crasher shirts, whatever that is. They start at just $49, people. You can't get a shirt for $49. That's custom made. Custom suits starting at $329. 329 custom suit that is the equivalent of $1,000 suit off the rack because it's being made for you. Even five shirt bundles so you can have a fresh Indochino for every day at the office. Set up your measurement profile on Indochino's website or book an appointment at a showroom near you and let an Indochino style guide walk you through every step. Upgrade your closet and shop discounted custom pieces and bundles@indochino.com during their cyber sale from December 2nd to December 8th. That's I n d o c h I n o.com indochino.com that starts today, people. So let's get to the emails. Uh, how. And remember J Train podcast. Howdy, Jared Feather. Feather. Been listening since the TFM days. Thank you. Always supported you. To my question, when is it okay to choose your career over love. Ooh, we're getting depthy. I would, I would say looking back, that's the decision I have made in all of my relationships to date. And I. And I. I think the reason I'm saying, like, looking back in the moment, I was like, I had all these explanations of, like, I don't know if I have the time or if I'm. And you know what it was. I was never focused on the relationship, number one. And to me personally, it just felt like I was being mean to someone. And I know that's not the case and that's my fucked up being. I'm not saying that's you, but when you're with someone that, you know, they're putting it, you know, you feel that they're putting it 100% and they're putting you first, and then you're putting them, you know, one b. And I, you know, it sounds mean to be like, second. I remember I dated a girl and she said to me, and she said to me, and I felt badly about it. I felt. Because I didn't want to believe it. And it wasn't true to the way I felt or how I felt I acted, but it was true to her. She's like, I'll never be, you know, I'll never come over comedy. I'll never be ahead of comedy. And I. That, like, made my stomach twinge. Maybe because it was true, maybe because I don't know. And I. And that's like, I don't. I didn't want to be in something where someone felt they were second place to anything because that's how I'm making them feel. It wasn't that I meant to make them feel that way. It's just was the truth. And I couldn't really change how they felt. So, you know, this is me overarching. There's more to this question. So. And you ask, when is it okay? It's okay to do whatever you think is best. It's also okay to, like, make a decision and decide that it's not the right decision. It's okay to do whatever you think will be the best option. But with. Every decision has consequences. It has, you know, there's an act for every action. There's a reaction, context. My girlfriend, 26, and I, 28, just went on a breakup break after two years. So you went on a break after two years. To me, the break is like, we like each other. But I. You go on break when you're dealing with, should I choose career over Love. That's what you're doing. And that. And I understand that because you're like, I, you know, there's nothing that happened here. It would be so drastic for me to be like, I don't want to see you ever again. That feels like too much. But it is what you're saying. So you're like, let's take a break. And they even write, just went on a breakup slash break after two years. No, you broke up and you're calling it a break to make it soften the blow. The problem came about from us both applying to grad school for next year in different countries. Her in the US and me in Europe. Okay, listen, I'll take everything at face value. I know that when you apply to go to Europe on your grad school and you're in a relationship that is in an emergency exit, that is, you're throwing a Hail Mary. You're like, lobbing one out and you go, and I'm saying, I'm making an assumption on you. Because this is what I would do. I'd apply to the Europe thing as, okay, and if this is my way out, this is the easy excuse. And again, in the way that I don't want to hear my girlfriend or whoever I was dating at the time say that I'm second to comedy, you might want not want to hear that, you know, apply. Just applying to the grad school in Europe is you saying, because it's not like you apply to Europe and you go, whatever happens, you'll come with me. We'll make it happen. And because you were like, oh, she's applying places, too. You didn't apply in tandem. You didn't apply together. You didn't say both. You didn't say, like, we'll both apply to places in New York. Why didn't you do that? Something's not being talked about. I've done that. And not in a mean way. I've done that. I know what you're doing. When I graduate, I want to live and work in Europe. She said she was down to do that for some years before eventually moving back to the U.S. we discussed this plan, but I always had some doubts about it, worrying she wouldn't want to stay as long or I wouldn't want to leave. When we agreed you're so far in the future that, you know, again, you're already putting, this is just not how it works. And I'm saying this as a single guy in my parents, you know, guest room. I'm saying this. I'm being More honest than I've ever been. I'm being more honest with you than I've been with anybody I've dated in the moment. Because what you're saying is, you're like, well, you know, I want to do this. No, no, no. You're either dating for two years and you're like, this is it, and love will conquer all, and we'll figure it out. Plus, I want to go to grad school. Or it's. I'm going to grad school and. Oh, yeah, what about this girlfriend? What do I do with her? Oh, yeah, I guess if she wants to stay in Europe longer, you know, it's just a. It's a mindset. I'm thinking of my brother right now. My brother, you know, got a job with the Bears and then moved and his wife, his fiance. Then. Okay, we'll figure it out. There wasn't. Well, you know, I don't know. Do you want to stay here while I go there? You know, it was done together. And that's again, that's an engaged couple. You guys are dating two years. So there's a way out of this. We got into a discussion about this fear, and then it ended up being coming, and then it ended up becoming an ultimatum from her about it was either her or my dream of this again. You've even changed your language. You went from when I went and I graduated. I want to live and work in Europe. She said she was down to do that for some years before eventually moving back to the U.S. we discussed this plan, but I always had some doubts about it, Worrying she wouldn't want to stay as long or I wouldn't want to leave when we agreed. Like, to me, that's a very gray. You know, I'm worried what's going to happen in the future. And honestly, you would get to that bridge. You would cross that bridge when you got to it. But then this story changes. We got into a discussion about this fear, and then it ended up becoming an ultimatum from her about it was either her or my dream of this. That to me, you went from a negotiation to my dream or nothing. Currently, I have chosen my dream, but I've never cried this much in my life. I love her so much and don't believe I'll ever find anyone like her again for me. Did I make a mistake? Sincerely, I'll let you come up with a nickname. Okay. I'll call you Sad and Saint Tropez. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this. This sucks. I guess. I mean, to me, I don't know what the argument is. She said, yeah, I'll go to Europe and then we'll make decisions from there. You know, you both applied to grad school for the next year in different countries. So, you know, when did this again, to go back to what I said in the beginning. When did this application happen? How much discussion was there between you two and applying to grad schools? What was the discussion then? What's changed since then? I don't know. This is. To me. Here's the thing, and here's the question you have to answer. I can't. I can't tell you if you made a mistake. I don't think there's such a thing as mistakes. I think you made a decision that you felt was something in your tummy was tickling, and you made the best decision for you in the long run. Will you be okay? Will time heal all? Yes. Will you meet someone new? Of course. Will you go to Europe and have a great experience and enjoy yourself? Yes. Would you be willing to negotiate this Europe trip with that person that you just broke up with? I can't answer that for you. To me, it sounded like you went from. You kind of created a scenario by applying and not including her in this. The negotiation ended, you went on your own and then came back and gone and went, here's the plan. What do you think? You weren't negotiating with her along the way, which meant you weren't communicating, which meant there's something missing here. Why did you apply and not talk about? Maybe you did. I don't know. I'm just going by your email. Why did you apply and not discuss with her what that application might mean for you to. It might be because you were like, let me ignore this until I see when I get in. And then I go, hey, are you in or you're out? And you kind of made it her decision to give you the ultimatum. You kind of broke up with yourself. You kind of put this person in a position because. And listen, I. If I'm to look back when I was living with my ex, I'm like, thinking back, like, you know, I had an apartment in Harlem and during COVID and I had tenants. And in the middle of the summer of COVID 2020, they were like, we gotta move out. We can't afford it. And then it was like, I gotta move back. You know, I'm living with my then girlfriend. And we were like, should we move back? And then I. I was like, I had this option to be more and I look back and I think of it as a mistake or I don't know why I couldn't. I think back and I'm like, there was an option there that I didn't do. And I'm kind of sensing that in this email and it was the option to communicate and be like, hey, I'm moving back. This might be a huge fight between us, but this fight would be a negotiation. It would be us working through it. Or I'm going to keep looking for a tenant and kind of bury this and not talk about this. And it kind of can become my out in the future. And it became my out if I'm to be honest. So I'm saying this to you. I'm being open with you about my situation because you know, it's not choosing work or a relationship to me, it's choosing to go through this hard time together or use the hard time to create a side door out of a relationship. That's my feel on this. I'm sorry to we started so peppy and and gung ho Instead of another sweater or gift card, give your loved ones the gift of stunning hair with Nutraful. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over 1 million people. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol, hair thinning affects nearly 50% of women and everyone's root cause is different. Nutrafol's different formulas account for lifestyle, nutrition and metabolism, so you can find the one that works best for you. I will say this. I don't use Nutrafol. My mom does. She loves it. Loves it. I'm with her right now. She's I'm in Boca. Her hair looks great. She has art. She's brought up Nutrafol and how much she loves it and how much it's made a difference for her. So. And she's not an easy customer. Physician formulated and with 100% drug free ingredients, get ready for your best hair ever. The cold, dry air of winter can be unforgiving, but your hair doesn't have to suffer. Neutral is offering JJ train fans $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping. When you go to Nutrafol.com enter promo code Feather find out find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Nutraful for healthier hair. Nutraful.com spelled N U T R A F O Promo code feather that's nutrafil.com promo code feather all the ads are in the description of the episode. Every ad. If you're trying to get under the mistletoe with someone this holiday season, you'd better make sure you smell amazing. Grab Lume Deodorant. Lume is a whole body deodorant that controls BO for up to 72 hours. So you can use it wherever you need it, whether that's under your arms or on your feet. I am a Lumi user. It smells. I use this word specifically. Delicious. I have the toasted coconut. I mean, it smells like you want to take a bite out of it. It's so good. And I will attest to the 72 hours of BO protection it has helped me. Check out Lumi's Solid Deodorant Stick Sweat Control Deodorant or their spray deodorant that's ideal for those hard to reach places. Lumi's Starter Pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid Stick Deodorant Cream Tube Deodorant, two free products of your choice like Mini Body wash and wipes, and free Shipp as a special offer for J Train listeners. New customers get 15% off all Lumi products with my code. If you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that's over 40% off their starter pack. Use code Feather15 for 15% off your first purchase at Lumi deodorant.com. that's code Feather15@L U M E D E O D O R a n t.com support the show and tell them J Train sent. You smell fresher, stay drier and boost your confidence from head to toe with Lumi. Let's do another email j train podcast gmail.com desperately need your help getting over a booty call. Ooh, you've come to the right place. You've come to the booty. Your boy J Train gonna get you. Get you off of this booty, get you off the sauce, get you off this dick or vagina, whatever you're hooked on. I haven't really read ahead. Jared, big fan of the Pod Feather Feather. I need your expert advice on my former booty call. Sounds like you're off it. This is no, but booty calls, it's like a drug. You're an addict. You've come here to help your addiction. I started hooking up with him March of 2023. Okay, so I'm looking at the calendar. I'm taping this December 1st of 2024. Is that the date? Oh my God. It's going to be 20, 25. I'm turning 40. So that's. Let's call it a year. Another. So about almost. You're almost at the two year mark. Originally it was just a booty call. Okay, let me just say this. Your problems are already occurring. One sentence in your email. It's these labels. These labels really fuck you over. And I'm saying this as a, you know, a date, as a dating podcast, talk out of my ass expert. As someone who's received these emails for a long time. Women, more than men, just get caught up in convincing themselves they love boxing things off. They love that. You know, I started hooking up with them in March of 2023. And originally it was just a booty call. That's the problem. When you're stuck on a booty call, the other person's called it nothing. He never. Or they never. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not sure of the gender. They never thought of it as anything. They're just, they're just going, they're just living. They're like a fly. They don't remember a minute before, a minute after. I w. So originally it was just a booty call. I wasn't attached. I didn't want to date him. I saw it for what it was. But that, to me, he's never said that. You're saying that, but I understand why you're saying that. Someone could be giving you those, you know, the actions of a booty call and you're taking those actions for what the agreement is. So I get that. But a few months later, I started catching feelings and I relayed this to him by saying I wanted to start getting to know him better outside of the confines of our apartment and outside of the hours of 10:00pm to 6:00am Good for you. I like that. He said he wanted to. He wanted that too, but made no follow up plan. So after a month of him making excuses for why he was too busy to take me to drinks, I ended it. That's the. Hey, let me just say this is normal. Can I just. I want you to feel better. You. You hooked up again. Leave out the labels because if you hooked up, you had a few hookups and then you go, wow, we have like a nice rapport. Hey, we only hang out from 10pm to 6am Want to do something else? And then he goes, yeah, I would love to. And then he doesn't do that. And then you go, okay, you're living below the standard that I wanted. Goodbye. So let's just Say this all went according to plan. Marriages happen this way and they're not described as, oh, it's just a booty call. Some guy I fucked. No, no, no. It was. We were getting to know each other, then we had more, and then it got more, and then it got more, and then it got more and then it got more, and now we're vacationing and now we have kids. So I understand we're looking backwards, so you're giving it late, but I'm just saying, like, give yourself some credit is my point. I don't want you to think less of yourself because this is totally normal. And it's also normal for him to go, hey, I'd love to do something, but this isn't the timing for me. So you said goodbye, we part ways. I end. So, okay, for why? He was too busy. He said he wanted that too, but made no follow up plans. So after a month of him making excuses for why I was too busy to take me to drinks, I ended it. And then she writes, only to come crawling back hours later. You're being. I can already sense you're being hard on yourself, and I'm sorry. And I hate that for you. He told me he's just not in a headspace to be in a relationship again. He's not. What I said before, the timing's not right on his end. To take you to drinks and live up to your standard, okay, then we shouldn't hang out anymore. But I understand this is someone you trust. It's someone who knows kind of the workings of your body. You have a good chemistry. So you go back to it. Repeated this cycle several times. Me wanting more, him not giving me more, or not being ready to give me more, me ending things, him weaseling back to my good graces. We had our longest breakup in January, which lasted a month before he managed to reel me back in. Admittedly, since that breakup, where I made my feelings very clear to him, we've been seeing each other a lot less, but still managed to stay in frequent contact. This is the problem. You could be hooking up zero and this person could still be making you feel bad because the texts are coming and there's that little bit of hope that, oh, he's messaging and we're just keeping the ball in the air in a small way. We never. We went from mentioning we should do stuff to, oh, the plans got canceled to sending a meme together or a joke, and then that joke becomes, you know, just us texting. And now the plans have gone by the Wayside. And now are you out? I'm out. Let's get together now. You're back at 11pm not seeing daylight together. This all came to a head this past weekend when he mentioned he's been hooking up with a few other girls. I freaked out despite knowing he was within his rights to do so. Well, I. It's okay to freak out. This all the within his rights thing is a lot is this happens a lot, you know, because you never had these like, you know, contract signatures on the contract or, you know, he's living in the small print. You go, he's within his rights. It's. You're also in within your rights to freak out and feel hurt. So I think again, you're being. I think what happens with these hookup scenarios is the person who goes back is incredibly hard on themselves. No, you, hey, I keep asking you for dates. You don't give them to me. And then we hook up. And now you're saying you're with other girls. I know you're not just meeting these girls at a random bar and picking them up. You know, there's a little piece of me that feels like you're on the back burner, bitch. I freaked out despite knowing he was within his rights to do so. And we eventually dropped it. Maybe 30 minutes after the convo, he mentioned that we have the best sexual connection of any of his hookups. Oh, really? Did he think that was a compliment? But you, you're winning the sexual connection. You're doing it. That is one of those compliments. You're like, ha, thanks. And he enjoys our time in the bedroom the most. So he's telling you exactly what this is to him for him to say that. I mean, let's. Let's also look, get into his head too. He's hooked on a drug too. You're hooked on the connection. You're hooked on the sexual chemistry that I'm sure that he's talking about. But you're also hooked on the idea that you guys have a good back and forth, and that's hard to find. You're hooked on the future, what could be. And he's hooked on just what is the physical nature not long after. I mean, this is like men and women. This is, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Not long after that, I asked him why he puts up with my freakouts. See, you're being hard on yourself. My freakouts. You're acting like I can't believe you deal with me. Why do you put up with my freak Outs that are directly related to you keeping in contact with me and making me feel lesser than, which happened pretty often because I'm obviously jealous when he talks about other girls hurt that he doesn't take me more seriously. Right. Well, this has become a pride thing for you too. You know, when you say that I'm hurt that he doesn't take me more seriously, it's like it's not even him as much as like just the appreciation you want because we're just booty calls. And realistically he doesn't owe me explanations. And if it's just for the sex, surely there are other girls out there that are willing to do the same, minus the tantrums. No, there aren't. That. This is another thing. There's so much of this email that's like classic. And I don't mean to like, I'm just. I'm hoping that makes you feel seen and heard and not alone and not stupid because this is something I've heard from. Why don't you just go out and find another girl? No, no, no. You are sorely wrong about this. You are misguided. And this is what happens with the woman who wants more. That's like, well, if he, if he. Why wouldn't he just go find someone else? Most people want what you want most. Woody Allen has the famous line, relationships are like sharks. They either keep swimming or they die. And right now your tantrums, which I don't think are tantrums, I don't think you're stamping your feet in the middle of a Macy's like a toddler. But I do think yours are. Your tantrums are worth the knowledge that someone will is out there. That is a call away from making me feel good. And you know, oh, you could just go have sex with anyone. No, no, no, you can't. That's not how it works. This guy, I don't know how you guys met you don't mention it. But like, you know, you're. No, there's not a lot of Fonzarellis out there. Going to a bar, hitting a jukes box and being like, hey, and picking up a chick. He told me it's cause he's genuinely likes me. No, it's because here's what he likes. He trusts you. The sexual chemistry is good. You are something. You are a known quantity out of the bars is unknown. It's scary in the similar but different. You know, you might be not going and meeting new guys because you're, you're, you know, there's fear of, you know, again, no. The similar but different trust. You have a trust. He knows you guys have fun together in the bedroom. He knows that you're not like going to embarrass him in any way. You're not going to like kill him. You're not going to like, you know, give him a disease sexually. Even though he's acting, he's being a little bit. He's being a lot more careless with that than you. And he says, he told me genuinely likes me as a person, that he thinks I'm smart, funny, and he really enjoys our banter and overall just likes me. So he's happy to give me what I need to calm down. I mean, he's. Right now he's talking like a drug dealer pimp. And I understand this is why it sucks for you. You're like, well, you just said all the things people say about their partner at their wedding during their wedding vows. So you like having sex with me. You think I'm funny. Look at it. You think I'm smart, funny, and you really enjoy our banter and you like the sex and it's the best sex you ever had. Why not commit? So something is off. That means he's saying these things to keep you happy. He's saying these things. I do think he believes them in a certain way, but I don't think he. Here's the other thing. He's not going to be in a relationship with those other women he's fucking either. He's not going to be in a relationship. Fast forward to the next morning when he. Oh, he did this in bed with. He said all these things in bed. Fast forward to the next morning when he mentioned things are getting serious with one of the girls he's hooking up with. I spoke too soon. I'm sorry. Hey, I don't think they're going to like be walking down the aisle though. I. Okay, that's my point. Maybe. I mean, what he's realizing is one of them are going to say, I'm going to leave you and I'm never going to come back. And he's trying to hold onto them and he's got to shake up, you know, the hen house. Fast forward said he's getting serious when he. Girls he's okay with. I got upset. He didn't understand why. So I explained to him that I've had feelings from the whole time. I've told him as much. He said he can't date only to find out he's ready to date. But he still doesn't want to date me. He was never for you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And when you say you know, you come crawling back hours later. This is the thing you kind of have to write down. Sometimes I, Sometimes this gets to me. It's like eating late at night. I'm like, I'm not going to eat late at night. Then I go, I'll have one thing. And then it might be easier if I literally wrote down nothing after 8pm like you have a standard that's not being met. Hey, I want to go on dates and get to know each other more and see if this could be a real thing. And then he doesn't do that. And then you have to leave it and you have to go, I'd rather get the whole thing I want than half of the thing and feel like shit and then be comparing myself to these other people in relationships and not being sure why it's all happening. You're doing the comparison game. So all this is to ask, how can he feel all those things for me? Again, I've answered these questions. I hear you. I knew you were going to ask that. How can he say we have the best sex he's ever had, that he genuinely likes me? I just. That he. I knew you were going to ask this. That he enjoys talking to me and that he finds me smart and funny, etc. Among other things he's told me he likes about me in the past. Yet how he can he not want to date me or even try? I the answers to those questions. Well, he's not going to be a good partner to anyone right now or he's not going to give me a. Let me just say that I'm not going to do that because I just told you not to compare. He's not going to be a good partner to you. This will never happen. He's saying those things to keep you as happy as he can keep you. He doesn't want to be a bad guy. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings. He doesn't see this as a future for him. Now, why that is, I can't tell you. Is it because his work isn't together? Is it because he doesn't feel the connection in a way that's he doesn't even again, as someone who has hooked up with people that have said these nice things to them and then said, I don't want to be in a relationship with them, I don't know. You're like almost looking For a feeling that you've never felt before. And you're going, well, I don't have it now, so I'm not going to dig in because it's just not the time for me. How can he not want to take me to drinks just to see what this could look like in the real world to. In my mind, he's already seen what this looks like in the real world and he's saying no to it. I just don't get it. And right now you're chasing. Let me just say this. I don't think you're as obsessed with him as you are the idea of a relationship with someone that has the nighttime version of him. And I don't know, I think you can find the nighttime version of him in a new person. I don't think you're going to find this guy to be the daytime thing you want. I just don't get it. I'm devastated, to say the least. You're never going to get it. Please give me insight into the male mind so hopefully I can move the f on from him once or for all. Thanks for all you do, Jared. Well, I don't know if this. I hope this was helpful because I got into your email and I kind of went line for line and I knew you were going to ask what you were going to ask. I knew you were going to say, all the pieces are here to build a house. Why don't they fit together? And they're never going to. I'm sorry to tell you, you can't push a string. And I think it's time to, like, you know, you also have to admit that not everyone can cold turkey cigarettes. So I think this is. I. So I think I've explained the why and I can't. I wish I could tell you. You know, and here's the other thing. If I told you what you were missing, which I can't, which you're not missing anything, you'd go and try and put it on and go date this guy. Why? I don't. He's not. This ain't it. And you're not missing anything. The only answer to this. And again. And you're comparing yourself and you're feeling bad for yourself. You're saying you're feeling guilty. You're going, oh, my God, I'm such an idiot. I'm such a loser. How could I keep going back to this person? Why can other people do this and I can't? And it's the same thing with, like, cigarettes or eating at night or doing drugs or alcohol. Why can everyone else drink and I'm the one that has the alcohol problem? Why can everyone else date and fuck and then knock and not get attached to people? Why can everyone else and then get married from that person and have a great relationship? Well, that ain't for you. So you gotta block. You have to tell him. You have to dump him. This is my advice to you. And it's the only thing that can release you from it because you can't sit there with the back door open hoping he's going to walk through it one day. He ain't going to do that. You have to end it with him. Hey, I've tried over and over again. You said you were getting serious with someone. I'm telling you right now, I'm ending this. Please do not contact with me. Do not contact me. I need to move on from this and if you contact me, it will be hurting me. You have to let him know that his contact hurts you, because I think people know that intuitively. But when they're told that they stay away, then you got to block, block on everything. You got to get away from social media. You got to stop. You got to make this person disappear. Because any taste of them bring you back. Jtrain podcastuma.com keep sending your emails back next week. Boom.