← The JTrain Podcast
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I know you're angry. It's Tuesday and it has no feel. The weekend was fun. You're still hungover from the eating and next weekend is too far away. What will you do with your day? It's time to get ticked off. Complain with your gripe. Right now, your friend Uncle J Train is here to tell you that you're right. It's a ticked off Tuesday. Ticked off Tuesday. You're angry and you don't even know why. Enjoy this podcast. It'll help you get to Friday.
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Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right, every Tuesday is a ticked off Tuesday where you, the listener, complain to me, the comedian, with anything you would like to complain about. That's the power of this show. That's where this show comes in to help you if you're in need. Do you want to complain about something? Is there something on your mind? Is there something that anyone could give you feedback that is along the lines of, well, there's bigger problems. Oh my God, there's so much going on in the world and this is what you're complaining about? Yes. Come here. Come to Papa. Jt, I'll complain with you. That's my promise. I will find a way to agree with you, to find a way to make you make. I will find a way to make you feel heard and seen. That is the whole premise here. The premise of the J Train cinematic universe is you get a 20 minute episode at a minimum Monday through Friday. I want you to subscribe. I want you to tell a friend, if you're listening right now, I'm going to be in New York City and Toronto this weekend. Get your tickets. The show's great. It's a lot of fun. Tickets have been tough. It's a tough push. I and I, I don't. It does feel like it was yesterday when I was back in New York or doing a Toronto show, but it wasn't. It's been a couple of years. I got brand new material. Go, go, go buy the book. I'm holding it in my hand. Walking Red flag. Pre orders are very helpful. The link is in the bio. I have two sponsors. If they help you use the codes, use them. That helps this show. You can sign up for Patreon. Patreon is where you complain and get heard first. Today I have four complaints from subscribers. I'll start with my complaint. I went to New York City, so I flew Fort Lauderdale to New York, got some things Done in New York. Then I went to. Well, then I flew New York to Boston. This was all in one day. So I'm dressed from Fort Lauderdale in winter attire. I wore snow boots, knowing that there was this deep freeze going on in the Northeast. So I. I put on the snow boots for the first time this year. The snow boots I have, I really like. I think they belong to my brother. They were taken from my brother. I love the look of them. They have red laces. They are Uggs. So the inside is ugg. Like, the laces are thick. Because I think that's how most boots are made. They have thick laces. If they were a woman, I would want to make love to them. The laces, because they're thick, come untied a lot. It also has that boot where you wrap it around. Every time you lace them up, you got to lace them up like they're ice skates. I'm hoping this description is something you can relate to. You have to, like, wrap it around a hook as you lace up your boots. So it's a thick, thick lace. It's a hook that needs to be wrapped around. Lot of places for shoes to come untied. When you have a thick lace, it's going to come untied because it doesn't knot as well. And I'm sure you're listening now. You're like, I got the solution. I can help you knot your shoes. That's not what this is all about. I am now double knotting on these boots, which is a problem in itself. The double knot. Now you got about 10 minutes bent over trying to untie them. It is a pain and a chore, but that's not what we're here to talk about today. Before I succumbed to the double knot lifestyle that I now have to lead with these boots, I was going to single tie. And then I would say it was a 30, 35% chance that that boot was going to come untied. The amount of untied shoelaces has now gotten me to the point where I'm double nodding. I think that's the way I'm going to live my life for the rest of my life with these boots. So I've now gotten you. I've set the scene. I am getting off my flight from Fort Lauderdale to New York City. I am walking from the gate to the Uber at LaGuardia Airport. I look down, shoe has become untied. Okay. When I untie my. When my shoe gets untied, I like to pull off to the Right. And take care of it when I can. But I want to pull off to the right. I want to get in the. I want to. I want to pull off the walking highway to be respectful, to then retie the laces when I pull off to the right. Sometimes I see it as, let's do it now. Sometimes. Well, in front of me was the escalator at LaGuardia. One of the gates is all the way to the. Is a little bit farther away. So you got to go up the escalator. You got to walk over a bridge down the escalator to where the Ubers are. I was pre escalator. When I saw that the laces have come untied, I said, okay, big escalator. We're going to get to the escalator. I'm going to put my stuff on the step that was going to rise in front of me. I was then going to bend over and retie the shoe. I would say I'm five steps from the escalator where I have mentally prepared for this big change in action so that I wouldn't have to pull off to the side and slow up my travels to the Uber. The Uber's on its way myself. Probably like you, if you're a professional traveler at the gate, you're ordering the Uber. You want the Uber to meet you directly. You want the Uber to get to the gate the minute you walk out the door and take you on your way. No strides broken. I see the Uber's on its way two minutes away. I'm probably four minutes from where the Uber pickup is. I don't want to waste any time by pulling off to the right and tying my shoe. So I got 10ft, 5ft maybe to the escalator. I am gonna hoof it with the untied shoe until I get to the escalator so that I am moving forward while tying my shoe. Efficiency. I'm about three feet from the escalator. A woman turns back and goes, your shoes untied. Hey, your shoes untied. Let's all relax. Let's. Let's take it down from a 10 to a 3 with the. Your shoes are untied. I would actually opt for, let's stop telling people their shoes are untied. In general, they're acting like they're saving our lives. Your shoes are tied. Oh, my God. You better bend down like, no, no, no, no, no, no one. If I trip over my shoelaces, I'll be okay with it. I'll deal with that massive amount of embarrassment and to not deal with this little amount of embarrassment that I have. I am aware and I can't look at the. And. And she's coming at me with the energy that she is warning me about. A grizzly bear that's coming at me. Your shoes untied. Hey. Hey. Your shoes untied. No, no. I know. I'm an adult who's aware of his surroundings who has an Uber to catch. I see it. If you're going to warn someone that their shoes untied. Both of you should be fully stopped. Both of you should be in a whisper. Hey. Just don't want to bother you, but your shoes seem to be untied. Oh, thank you. I didn't even notice. But we've all noticed. I noticed. I knew it was there. I just think it does feel a little pat on the backy where you're this big hero. The shoes. A better tie. Those shoes. Don't want to trip. I'm not a toddler. I'll be okay if I trip because of my shoes being untied. I will deal with those consequences then. Until then, why don't you leave me alone? I'm an adult. It's the. It's the hurried. It's the idea that they think so highly of themselves with this scream and yell to tie my shoes. You don't think I know I've walked before. This ain't my first time with the shoes untied. J Train podcast. Gmail.comJ Train podcast. Just have a little reel it back. You're not warning us about a cliff that's coming up. And oh, make sure you slow down by the cliff. No, no, no. These are shoes that are untied that we're going to retie them. We're going to be fine. Keep sending your complaints to jtrain. Podcastmail.com Patreon's the way to go. Here's a listener complaint ticked off Tuesday when you buy a plane ticket that includes a carry on bag. And then they run out of room. So you have to get. You have to gate check. I can't even believe this is happening. Why isn't there an option to guarantee you have your bag without buying an extra legroom? First class ticket. Here's the thing. If you're paying for a bag, you should also be risen in boarding class. This is why the boarding system needs to be protected at all costs. It needs to be taken seriously. We need. This is all tracing back to boarding zones. The boarding zones exist so that we don't turn into fight club and start tearing each other's faces off. So let's have the boarding zones and let's actually live by them. I want strict gate agents. I want an armed worker by the door, gun unlatched like I want them at full ready to go. That's how much I want them taking it seriously. I mean, I, I, I'm joking. I don't want them taking it. I want them hand on the holster at the gate, zone one. And then, and I want the security guard prepared with their hand at their holster like they're in a duel. And then they bring up the zone one. I want people shaking, shaking as they bring up their ticket on their phone. And just, just because they're the guys there ready to kill, shoot to kill. This guy's waiting, hand on holster. And then you come up and if we, I think if we take the zones more seriously and we need the zone said loudly and, and it, it's gotta be zone one with a clock, they should put a clock above it that says five minutes for zone one. Three minutes, whatever it is. Two and a half, two and a half is probably a more proper number. So above two and a half, zone one. When that bell rings, zone one done, you're back in the bucket. You're at the way end. If, if you were in the sky club. I don't care, you missed your zone. You're in the bucket zone way end. Because this person should be in zone. They're, they're in zone loser. They're in the pigsty. As they said, they don't want to buy an extra legroom seat. They don't want to buy a first class seat. But they are being forced to pay for a bag to be on the plane. So fine, you are, you have chosen your lot. That person who buys a ticket that doesn't want it to be upgraded that is paying for their bag to be on the plane. If you buy a, oh, so they didn't even pay. If you buy a plane ticket that includes a carry on bag and they run out of room. So you have to gay check. Why is there option to guarantee you have your, I mean there should be a $10. They, I think once you've divvied it up, if they were like, hey, you can get a ticket. I think they should sell it the way I'm saying the way I thought it was sell the, sell the ticket so you can buy regular ticket. You have to check your bag and then ticket you can you pay 10 extra bucks for above the head for, for putting it in the overhead, then extra leg room, then first class. I think we need more differentiation. This would help this person because the minute you make a 10 bucks, now they're in the $10. I've paid for my bag to be in the overhead zone and now you're not stuck in this position. And then make the ticket a little bit cheaper. $5 cheaper. You're making 10 bucks. But I'm with you. I think it's, I think the option where they say you they're not guaranteeing a bag. What they're saying is I they're saying you can have a bag for free. Ran out of room. We should know that that's an issue enough where they can go. Okay, 10 bucks you you guaranteed you're going to get this bag on here. Jtrain podcast. Com we got two sponsors. Wayfair. If you're refreshing your home this new year, do it with Wayfair. Wayfair is a one stop shop for everything your home needs. Accent pillows, mirrors and faux plants to brighten the living room. Beds, mattresses, bed sheets and towels for the whole family. Home, office and kitchen. Essentials for working days and family dinner. All at amazing prices. Let me just tell you. I had an apartment that was fully furnished. I moved in. There were still things that needed to be filled out. Wayfair came in great for that. Wayfair has it all. It's a one stop shop. They price things reasonably. You can find different versions of different things that you might need at different prices. I'm just a huge Wayfair fan. It was easy. Their website's easy to use. Wayfair lets you filter by design, style and their huge selection makes it easy to personalize any space. Get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W a Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. We're also sponsored by Herobred. I love Herobred. I I just had toast. I had herobread toast with my egg whites. If you want to eat healthy but don't want to skip the bread, Hero Bread is here to save the day. Hero makes sliced bread, bagels, dinner rolls and more. High in fiber, low in net carbs and zero grams of sugar, you'd never know it's low net carb and high fiber. From the texture, it's soft and fluffy, just like you want it to be. But check out they have tortillas, croissants and butter biscuits. I've been talking about herobred for a long time because I think they keep coming back because they know that this podcast is like very much the podcast of efficiency. Just like I explained me going to get the Uber at the airport. I want the Uber rolling in as I'm rolling out. Just same with my bread. I want my bread to be tasty. I want it to be crunchy when I toast it up, but I also want it to be high fiber so it keeps me fuller longer so I'm not overeating bread. I like Hero bread. You're going to like Hero bread. If you already love Hero bread, be sure to check out the biscuits, scones and noodles. This year, hit your goals without giving up your favorite bready dishes. Herobred is offering 10 10% off your order. And I gotta say, it tastes just like any bread I would have on a sandwich that doesn't have extra fiber and low calories. I mean it's great. Go to Hero Co use code Feather at checkout. That's Code Feather Hro. Those are our sponsors. I got three more complaints from listeners. Sign up for the Patreon. You can be a part of Tik Toff Tuesday every you could literally be a part of TikTok Tuesday most weeks because we we generally get three or four and then we go to the mailbag. My Tikto Tuesday. I've recently lost touch with a friend and her wedding is in a year. At this point I don't feel close enough to want to go, but I did at this let me reread. I've recently lost touch with a friend and her wedding is in a year. At this point I don't feel close enough to want to go, but I did when she got engaged. We work together so I'm annoyed that potentially not going will be a big deal when I do see her. All things weddings are stressful. Yeah, I I it is annoying that you're now walking into a situation where you go from oh my God, this is a huge day I'm looking forward to to another date on the calendar where I have to do something I didn't really want to do. When you say you work together and you've recently lost touch, I mean, I don't know what happened. That to me signifies something happened. I I'm so annoyed that potentially not going will be a big deal when I do see her. I think you'd go, I know you didn't ask for advice, but when it's the decision is go To a wedding where there's food and dancing and there's friends I haven't seen in a while. And then the other option is don't go. Maybe have to make things awkward with this friend. The path of least resistance is walking a path. That's the problem. And I think, and I'm guilty of this. We have the phone and you say, I can just sit inside and have this brain just melt all night long, or I can go out and have to deal with the outside world. And what I've noticed is that when you deal with the outside world, you do feel satiated in a certain way. I think for you, you're going to have a bigger problem not going than you would be going. It is like a kill them with kindness type of thing. You go to the wedding, you do do the right thing that can never be taken away from you. Yes, it is annoying. Yes, the stress of all the head trash you have right now leading into this wedding. Because that's the annoying part. If I'm to complain with you, it's not the wedding that's the problem. It's all this stuff that's on your mind leading into the wedding. Does my dress fit? Will the suit fit? Am I really friends enough to go? And then what happens is you go and you start thinking after the wedding, you go, I can't believe I didn't want to go. I can't believe I'm that person who doesn't want to leave the house. I'm a social person. So now you hate yourself on both ends. And it never would have happened if this person could have just been a fucking nice person and not gotten married in the first place. But we can't avoid life. I think you go to the wedding, you put a smile on. I don't know if you have a plus one or if you have a significant other. If you do, bring them. What, a night dance? Look a little hot? Look a little different than you normally do A bunch afterwards. That's great. So this is me giving advice but also telling you. Yeah, it's annoying. All the things that come with a wedding invitation are all stress. Honestly, I wish the top of the wedding invitation just had like a, had like a, like a, like a, like a, like a warning. Warning. We know this is annoying. You're going to have fun. We promise. We really care about your fun and not, you know, having, and not having a bad wedding. We, we know how much a wedding sucks, but you're going to have fun. Like I, I think you will. I know and listen, we work together. So I'm annoyed that potentially not going would be a big deal. I go all things weddings are stressful. I agree. J train podcast@gmail.com J train podcast gmail.com. two more to go on a Tik Toff Tuesday. We love being here on a Tuesday. Come to a show. Come to a show. You know what annoys me? I'm. I'm going to get. I know I usually do my complaints at the beginning. Sometimes I'll randomly sing. I mean, the opening to this podcast is me singing. I can't believe that makes people angry enough to comment that they hate when I sing. Like, I can't believe how, like, the singing isn't going to go the whole episode. I can't believe how. How miserable you have to be to hear someone singing as a joke. It's not like I'm like singing to do to like. It's to me. If you were at a broad. If you were like, I hate Broadway shows because I don't like when singing pushes the narrative forward, I would go, yeah, I get that. When I riff and do a little diddy and you're like, I just can't my ears. You're like that. You hate fun that much. This like, goofy, stupid moment. I got a comment like, you gotta wonder, do you have any problems at all? And you're worried that you need to, like, write a couple problems out there just to let people know you do have problems. Like, do you have to. Is this where your complaints lie? All right, I'll go to the listener complaint. The city of New York decided a Friday morning between 7am and 8am was a good time to block off 9th Avenue and 57th street to get rid of mounds of snow from last Sunday's storm. Now, I did see that there were these reports of these, like, hot tubs where they were pouring the snow into the hot tubs to melt it quicker. Why am I. And so I listen. Friday morning, 7 to 8, all of these jobs, 7 to 8, that's too much. During I need to get to work and it's Friday and I'm running behind anyways. Hours. That's a 6 to 7am I guess the response would be it might be too cold to get these things to melt. So it might have to do with that at that point, noon to 1. Why not 10am to noon, when you would assume most people are at their jobs or where they're going to be until lunchtime? Why don't we do that then? Why am I ticked off C below 1. So they've done bullet points for why or they've numbered why they're annoyed. It's rush hour. Shouldn't they do this at a less busy time? Yeah, I just came up with in five seconds when they should do it. Why isn't it happening? Then you'd say, well, they only have a couple trucks and they can only be during these times and. Or they can only be in so many places they gotta be somewhere from 7, 8. How about we either get it done from 9am I would say 9:30am to 12:30. Done. That's when we'll earn 9:30 to 3:30. Let's do it then. That's a good amount of time to get to a lot of streets. If you don't get to me, I'd rather that than have to deal with you during rush hour. 2. It's Friday. Shouldn't they have started this earlier in the week? The mounds have been there since Monday. Gotten rock hard because it's only gotten colder as the week has gone on. Yeah, I guess they're getting to your street when they get there. So, you know, if you say 57th street and 9th Avenue I can understand. They started downtown and they started uptown. That one I don't know if they can fix. Drive. Three Drivers are angry for sitting through multiple light changes that they've. That they shove their vehicles into the box which then blocks the traffic in both directions, especially those double long buses, making everyone even angrier. Yeah, it's got to be gridlock in Manhattan. It is tough. The if you have ever gotten behind a garbage truck in New York City, I don't think you've ever felt a longer amount of time to wait for something in your entire life. Like, you know how they say like five minutes on the treadmill feels like three hours. Five minutes of waiting behind a garbage truck, or in this case the snow removal truck, while needing to be somewhere in Manhattan. That might as well be tick like six days. 4. Unrelated to the snow plowing and removal. But the sanitation department street cleaning efforts are a waste of tax dollars. Nothing about these large trucks spitting dirt around cleans the street. I agree with you. And it sometimes feels like they're doing the street cleaning just to get cars to like move out of these spots. Because that's what they do. They have street cleaning hours in New York City and if you're not in your car, you can get a ticket. It feels like just a chance for them to like get ticket revenue. In fact, I'm fairly certain they make the streets dirtier by moving all the dirt and garbage around versus leaving it be. Thanks for the morning laughs on my daily commute. A cold commuting batch. Yeah, the street sweep. To move on from the plow into the street sweep thing. At that point, they. It would make more sense to me to have an actual human being that you could have with like a broom. Like, I would rather that than the. Because if you've never seen it and you can look it up, right now it's just a car with a brush under it that spins in circles. So it just kind of spins around and then goes on its way. And it goes so fast. And sometimes I see them go around a car and I'm like, what did we even need this for? I'm with you. Last one kicked off Tuesday. My. My most recent but very persistent annoyance is dating app prompts that are automatically negative. I've been saying this for years. No one seems to listen. Honestly, I don't know who would want to date that person who shows up to the party and says, doesn't this party suck? That's what they're saying. And you would say, well, negativity is what you can connect with someone on. It's a very, you know, it's one of those intimate things that's easy to connect on. Yeah. While in person, I don't want to deal with the negative person who's making me. Because when you go on a dating app and go negative, you're kind of inviting someone to read your blog at that point. And I don't want to be performed for on a dating app. I want to get to know someone and have these conversations that lead from one place to another and then suddenly them and I are complaining about the same thing and we're finding a connection. It's honestly trying to get ahead to show you how interesting and fun they are before ever having to make the effort to do that. I've said this about dating apps for years. So many people go on there to show you who they are. Instead of getting into a conversation where I can make those assumptions on my own. It's. It's a bad move. I'm a 32 year old female and I dislike using the apps as much as the next person. But a partner isn't going to fall into my lap. I always try to keep my profile and prompts light and fun. It's supposed to be fun, right? It was called Tinder for a reason and we have lost track of that. It's supposed to be a Spark. I see a spark. And that is why I want to get to a flame with them. That can only happen in person. We have gotten so worried. We? Me, yes. Me, too. We have gotten so afraid of seeing the outside world. This goes back to the wedding complaints. They know that not going will make their life worse, but even so, not going will make life at work a problem. But even with knowing that they're like, ugh, but I just don't want to go to this wedding. And what we do when we know we kind of assume what's going to be in front of us, we just don't go. And then you end up leaving the house less and meeting less people and not getting what you actually want. The. The problem is most of what we want comes with digging through a little bit of shit. Most of what you want involves discomfort. I'm sorry to say it. There's someone at the other end of that street that you want to meet, but you got to walk to get there. And I don't really feel like walking. Too bad, bitch. And that's what this is. Are you going to walk over there slumped over eight dating apps, or are you going to put a smile on your face and skip on over? It is a problem with having everything at your fingertips. It is a problem with, again, you don't have to leave the house. So we don't. So it drives me insane when I'm scrolling through matches and see prompts like, worst idea I've ever had downloading this app. It's a horrible prompt response. I actually, at that point, why is Hinge doing that? Hinge shouldn't have a single prompt that should start negatively. Every Hinge prompt should start positively. I love, I like my favorite day, my best meal. Why would Hinge have any negative prompt? Because even if it was positive and you wanted to make it negative, at least that's interesting. My best day is going to a bad meal and getting to talk about it with friends, about how bad it was. The last bad place I went to was this. That's a great, interesting prompt response. Worst idea I've ever had. Downloading this app is lazy. It is masquerading as a personality. It's not a personality. They're copying something they've heard someone else say. That's the problem with the Internet. Really easy to mimic. Not a lot of originals. I see it in comedy. Every oh, I'm doing a trend. You're not funny. The trend was funny. Started by so and so. They did a good job. You didn't Even do a different take. I've seen someone do the take you did, but now they get to masquerade as a personality. Most of these people you'll meet. I mean, to me, that's a good way to see who not to connect with on the app. If someone had. Worst idea I've ever had downloading this app. Gone. Nope. Goodbye. Here's another one. Convince me I'm wrong about wasting my time on this app. Nope. Gone. Goodbye. Or even better, the oddly specific. One thing I'd love to know about you. Have you ever talked to men to exploit them for their money? What? That's a one thing I'd like to know. So men are writing that. One thing I'd like to know about you. So this is the hinge prompt. One thing I'd like to know about you. Have you ever talked to men to exploit them for money? To me, when a man writes that on a dating app, all he's saying is, I am a stupid person who is ripe to be exploited. That's what they're saying. I am so all about tits and ass that they could distract me so much that I've lost all my money on dates. That's what they're saying. It's not them saying they're smart. Please don't take advantage of me. If. If you. If you've ever taken advantage of someone, please let me know so that I don't get taken advantage of as well. Like just a loser. Automatic eye roll and swipe. No, I'm with you. You probably. You're probably a negative ass person, and I probably don't want to be around you. Here's the thing about negativity. It's fun when it's combined with the positivity. You need to have both. You need to be a full person. It only feels good to get negative with someone when you can also get positive with them and see the highlights. Lowlights are only there when you can also admit to highlights. That's why I ticked off Tuesdays one day of the week. If I did it every day, you'd be like, don't you like anything? Trust me, I love to bitch and complain with the best of them, but I realize the dating app is not the place for it. Hope you can relate. Totally. I. You've written the most relatable thing I've seen. Thanks for all the laughs for literally the last decade. OG J train listener. Thank you so much. Much love that. Yeah, I. I think a lot of times if you're a comedian who likes to rant. You know, everyone thinks I have a problem with everything. No, I'm sensitive to everything, which means I love and hate, and so do you. J Train podcast ticked off Tuesday. If there was something here you related to that you thought of a friend while you heard it. Send it to them, let them know back next week. Boom.