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The JTrain Podcast
I Snooped At My Boyfriend's Computer! Now what? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
00:44:42
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Jared Freed
Hello, J Train podcast listener. This is a brief trigger warning. I know this is our second week in a row, but it's a different scenario here. We are dealing with abortion and pregnancy issues. So if that's something that might trigger you for the second email, today might be one you want to skip. But this is just a warning to anyone listening to the show. It's a Mailbag Monday. You got problems there? I'm going to help you from the comfort of my chair. He's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Tulsa, Oklahoma. That's right, it's a Mailbag Monday. Every Monday, we take your emails, your questions, and we give you some perspective. If you are new here in any way, here's the deal. People send me questions and I talk them out. Why me? Well, I guess the reason people send them to me is I've been answering emails for over a decade from randos over the Internet. So I do have experience. If I'm to give myself credit, I have experience in answering randos and their issues from small to large. I also, unlike your friends and family, I don't have to make eye contact with the person when they, when I give them my advice or my perspective. And that's when people soften when they see your bottom lips start quivering because you're about to tear up. And I'm not trying to make this sad. I'm just saying people soften their answers. People opt for comfort over difficulty. And that's what this is all about. So if you have a question, J train podcast, gmail.com. that's jtrain podcastmail.com we love screenshots. We love specifics. We love a thorough explanation. I have two emails in front of me. One is very long, but. And I don't, I haven't read them. I read them. You are getting my real time reaction. So, V, my producer, our producer, she's already let me know that the second one is long but worth it. So that's on V, but. Oh, we'll let her know if it's worth it or not. I'm sure it is. I'm sure V does a great job. So I, I want you to send your emails. I want you to enjoy the show. I want you to share it in whatever way you can like it. Share it. Make your Instagram story. Oh, that feels good. How do you support the show? I got two sponsors. It's. It's Thanksgiving week. By the way. Happy Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday of the year. I'm in Dania Beach, Florida. And then the big taping, Tarrytown. We opened up 40 tickets for each of the shows. Both shows get taped and then we smush them together and make a special. So if you have friends in the area, if you're coming and you've had friends be like, oh, it was sold out. The early one. The early one has now more tickets available. So we've released some more tickets. Portland, Oregon, Phoenix, Arizona. I'm coming there. And Australia. G'day, mate. Australia, New Zealand. Those tickets have been released. And Rochester. So go, go, go. Jared free.com to get tickets. How do you support the show? Come to a show, Come to the live show that it all supports each other. So you can come to live show. You can support the sponsors if they support you. I like saying it that way because sometimes the sponsors. Not for you. That's okay. It's not the time or place. So if the sponsor, all my sponsors, all the people that I work with, they give you free money, which is like, there you go, there's a deal. So we're all scratching each other's backs. You can also post this on your Instagram story. Let people know. Tell a friend. Send it. If you have a friend going through a similar issue that you've heard here, send it, send it, send it to them. Also, there's a Patreon. Every Friday on Patreon, I do a thing called Coffee with J Train. Coffee with J Train is like my personal diary. I taped one here from Tulsa here last night. I would call it a mental breakdown of sorts. It was a little bit all over the place. My mom, I talked to her on the phone this morning. She's like, I listened to Coffee, which I didn't get it. And I'm like, okay, at least you didn't get. I don't know. I hope people got it. This is a good promotion. This is good to get people to sign up for Patreon. My mom didn't get it. Give me five bucks. You know, like, I don't know. But yeah, no, there's Coffee with James Every Friday and patreon.com jared free to sign up for that. And you also, if you sign up for Patreon, you get first dibs at ticked off Tuesday. So if you comment on Coffee J Train with your ticked off Tuesday, that will get read. So that's all my announcements. That's all this stuff I got. I'm in Tulsa. Tulsa. I'd never been here before. They don't seem to know me here. We had to cancel the late Friday show, which is always just a shot to the nuts. Oh, it hurts. It hurts. It makes you anxious. Makes me think, is my career over? Is it done? Am I never gonna work again? You'll never work in this town again. Yeah, they're gonna, like, get in touch with this happens sometimes. It happens. Sometimes. It happens sometimes for me in certain cities, you know, you don't. I have to take it with a grain of salt. I get it. I was at. I mean, there's a. There's excuses and then there's the reality. There's excuses like, you know, I added this kind of late. This is a town that I've never thought of myself as. You know, the Tulsa king. That's a TV show. I know, I know. It's a TV show. I know,. I know, I know. It's with Sylvester Stallone. I get it. Yeah. But it all. It hurts just the same to combine Friday shows and then get that call from your manager, hey, ticket sales just aren't happening for that late show. I don't know what it is. It's just weird. And it's like, we know nothing's weird. I don't have the following here. There's not. People don't know me here, and that's frustrating. I wish. I wish they did. I have a good show. I'm gonna listen. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do that combined show like it's msg. Don't get me wrong. I'm gonna bring it tonight. Man, I am glad. I'm glad these shows didn't get combined before my mental breakdown episode on Patreon, because that would have been an all timer. I'm sitting here in Tulsa and an autograph collection hotel. I'm a huge fan of the Bonvoy autograph collection. Okay, let's get to the emails before we do. Okay, we have two sponsors, and all the sponsor information, the promo codes and all that is in the description of the episode. I love this first sponsor because you're probably like, you're thinking of being healthier right now. You're not doing it yet, but you're thinking about it. It's that time of year. You're, like, kind of planning how you're going to attack those New Year's resolutions. We all know that the holidays can wreak havoc on your metabolism. That's why you need Lumen. I use Lumen. I use it. It's great. Lumen is the world's first handheld metabolic. Boy, some words are Hard Lumen is the first is the world's first handheld metabolic coach. It measures your metabolism through your breath so you can stay consistent with your goals. I love this because I keep track of steps. And then this is, like, keeping track of your steps. Cause when you keep track of, like, what's going on in your body, you tend to, like, you know, steer the cruise ship in the right direction. You're not a speedboat. You're a cruise ship. You're not gonna turn on a dime. You're not gonna. You're gonna go, oh, I can. If I just do these three things, I'll be better today. If I take a few more steps, I'll get to 10,100 steps away. Let's just get it. That's where Lumen comes in. Just breathe into the device first thing in the morning, and you'll get all the info about what's going on in there and whether you're burning mostly fats or carbs. Breathe into it after meals and workouts to get a look at how things are going in real time. It's a fabulous device. It's really great to keep up with what's going on in your body. So if you want to stay on track with your health this holiday season, go to lumen me jtrain to get 15% off your lumen. That's L u m e N me slash JJ train for 15 off your purchase. Lumen makes a great gift too. Thank you, Lumen, for sponsoring this episode. So Lumen's the first sponsor, and then our second one will do between the emails. But let's get to the emails. Jtrain podcastuma.com Let me take a sip of some water. Here's the. Here's the title. How do we have the intentions conversation. Love this title. I have been seeing this guy from Bumble for a couple of months now. We have crazy chemistry. He's very affectionate, and it feels right. He's been traveling for two weeks every month into the next four months. He's been traveling for two weeks every month into the next four months. That's a weirdly written sentence. Let me just say he's been traveling for two weeks every month into the next four months. It's weird to go past tense to future tense. So I guess for the next four months, he'll be traveling two weeks every month. I'll just go with that. We've gone out five times and have another date planned. He's even invited me to visit him on the weekend work trip, saying everything would be Paid for. He seems to like me. And even came on a little harder with texting. And the next time I saw him after sleeping together. Well, okay, I. Let me stop you from taking. Let's. Let's stop playing detective. I see what you're doing. I can see it. This one sentence is so normal, and it's something that we all do, but I'm just telling you, it matters very little. You're never going to figure it out. You're never going to get it. Sherlock even came on a little harder with texting. And the next time I saw him after sleeping together, right now, in your head you're going, oh, after you sleep together, they kind of back off. So I. When he went more. I can only assume he likes me more. I wouldn't do that math. I don't think that math is helpful. I don't think that gets you anywhere. I think that makes it devastating when you're wrong. On the fourth date, I feel like shit changed. I had a feeling. He was so excited for the date, and I was in my head about not wanting to seem too interested and keep the chase alive. Again, another thing. Keep the chase alive. You can't push a string. I see what you're doing. And your language is all very much in line with one another. The. Oh, he's. He's texting me more. After we. You know, after we had sex. After we were. Physical sex. I don't know. You said. Yeah, after we slept together, he came in harder. Good. That's a good thing. Oh, he is. His vibe change. I'm trying to keep this. Keep the chase alive. These are all things you can't do. I also really think he's dating, hooking up with other women. Okay. Plus, last time. But again, you don't know yours. Your problem right now is you're too much trying to figure out what's going on in his head and not admitting to what's going on in your head. That if I'm to simplify. Plus, last time I was at his house, he had a woman's leather jacket hanging on his bathroom door. Again, you're Sherlock Holmes. It's not going to be helpful. It's fair game. This is what happens. You are trying to figure out play detective, and then you come to a conclusion. Then you rationalize why it's okay. That is not helpful. It's fair game because there's no been, no convo, exclusivity, or even shared our feelings with each other. Long story short, I think he knows. I know he's dating other women now and I'm concerned about it, but nothing was ever said of it. I'm assuming this is what made him take a step back. I thought a couple of times he was done after this date. The way he texted me changed the timing between texts, became more distant, etc. Even went two days without texting me and then three. Three days without texting me. But when I asked if he wanted to hang out and I planned the date, he seemed enthusiastic and said yes. The next day we have planned. I also reached out and he agreed. The next day we have planned. I also reached out and he agreed. Ultimately, we have another date planned, but I'm not sure how to. The subject of intentions with each other and how to word it. I would say you've already worded it. You have worded. I'm not telling you you're wrong. I understand. Everything you're doing is normal and what people on average do. How soon ish after that should the exclusivity convo come again? You're. You're making this so much more complicated. And I get it. But look, you've even separated intent how to approach the intentions conversation. And then when do we have the exclusivity convo? I feel like we need to communicate on our feelings and what we're looking for from this thing, but when he leaves for two weeks, a month, it kind of slows things down. I hear you. I'm. Listen. I'm. I'm. I'm. You are talking to the guy right now. I am the guy. I am this guy. So you've come to the right place for. For information. What do I do if he says he likes me, but he's still seeing other women? We both looking for a relationship on the app. I know some people roster date. The amount of terms you're using is why. I get it. But it's wild. But I prefer to date it one at a time. I don't mind taking things slow as long as things move forward. What's your advice? Thanks. And then they write the fourth date that didn't go as planned. He also asked me twice if everything was okay here. Okay, you. There is a point where a relationship becomes we. You are not there yet. As you have said. As you have stated, no exclusively exclusivity talk has been had. So this is an I. You need to speak in I terms. Stop it with the we. There is no we. It is interesting. And you know this. You said in your email there's no excuse. You know, technically, it's oh, if he's dating other people. We haven't had a talk yet, so. And then you're going. Should we talk about what we're looking for from this thing? Wrong. When. But how soon that. After that should the exclusive convo come. I feel like this sentence is every. Is your whole problem. I feel like we need to communicate on our feelings and what we're looking for from this thing. There's the problem. Let me change it for you. Your sentence should. And I listen, I hope I'm not coming down. I don't. I know I sound like I'm yelling at you. This is how I talk. I. I'm just saying I feel like we need to communicate on our feelings and what we're looking for from this thing. No, no, no, no. We don't. You do, do you? I hope that makes sense. I feel the sentence that should say, I feel like I need to communicate my feelings and what I'm looking for from this thing. What do I do if he says he likes me but he's still seeing other women? See, I don't. I can't answer that question for you. You're asking. What you're doing is you're trying to put your taste in his hands and this will get you only frustration because he's going to be just nice enough in the way he is. He didn't, you know, he asked if everything was okay. He's always going to be nice. He's always going to make sure that you're okay. He doesn't want to be an evil guy to you, but he's also doing him. He's not. He's not really acting as a we and you should not either. I'm not trying to say like it's not a pride thing. This is just a change of perspective. I think you will be better off with if someone came to me. You know, you talk about that. Come on the work train, work trip. Everything would be paid for. You know, that's not a good enough reason. Going to work trip. It's okay to say, hey, I only want to travel with someone who I'm in a committed relationship with. And then they're going to come back to you. That's a contract offer. That's you saying this is. That's you sliding the paper across the table and going, I only go on trips with people I'm a committed relationships with. And then they come back to you and they go, well, I'm not in a committed relationship with you. And then you. Then you have to come back to them and go, well, maybe we shouldn't be dating if that's not where we're headed. See how that went back and forth and ended in a breakup. I'm sorry, that would happen. I'm sorry. That could happen. Now they might go, they might come back to you. You say, I only travel with people I'm going to come into a relationship with. Okay, well. And then they look at you, they go, well, I'm not ready for that, so I'm going to take back my offer of the trip. And then you say to them, do you see yourself ever being ready for that? Because I am feeling feelings for you. And I've deleted the app. See, I terms, I think that good relationships. And I'm saying this as a person who's not in a relationship, who's who I'm saying this as the person who is the, is the person you're dealing with. Because I'm. I'm like this guy more often than not. I think that when you're, when it feels easy, it's when you're having these little tiny arguments along the way that's counterintuitive. You don't think like, oh, gotta have like these little tiny art. I don't want to argue with someone I'm. I've only been on four dates with. But they're like little tiny ones. And every time you don't have those little tiny ones, they build up to a bigger one. So you just push it off to something else. So when you say, you know, we're very affectionate, feels right. Then he's traveling for two weeks every month into the next four months. And then we've gone out five times, have another day planned. He's even invited me to visit him on the weekend work trip, saying everything would be paid for. He seems to like me and even came on a little harder with text. And the next time I saw him, after sleep, after sleeping together again, you're looking for clues in the actions and it's instead of, hey, I'm really feeling something right now. This is, this is a matter of fact thing you say, say to him, I would say this, hey, I'm really feeling like this is going well and I'm enjoying your company, I'm deleting the apps. How does that make you feel? And then. But what you're doing, again, you're the detective here. Stop looking for answers from him and start giving your answers. And again, that's hard. I know this is difficult, but you're going the easy way, which is actually harder. You're. You're avoiding confrontation and just making assumptions based on some. Based on, you know, things you've heard before. Oh, guys usually back off after sex, but he came on strong, so that means we're good. No, because now you're back where you, you know. Now you're feeling what you know. Now you're feeling shitty. You know, you're. You're where you started again. And I got to zone into the sentence. What do I do if he says he likes me, but he's still seeing other women? That's the most important sentence you wrote. I don't know. How does that make you feel? Do you want to date someone who's dating other women that you have feelings for? I can't answer that for you. It's okay to have a policy. It's okay to have that policy change. It's okay to have a fluid situation with your. With your own feelings. So it's okay to go, oh, you know, when we started, you know, I kind of understood you might be dating other people, and I was doing the same. Now I'm kind of interested in you, and I just want to let you know that I'm only dating you, and if I'm only dating someone exclusively, I want to know that they might. They're only dating me exclusively. If he can't do that, you're better off moving on than having half of what you want. J train podcast gmail.com J train podcast@gmail.com. keep sending your emails. You can also DM the J train Instagram account. The next one is the longer one that V said is worth it. It is longer. It's too. It's too. I have, like a slides. It's two slides. But before we do, the holiday season typically means a whole lot of carbs. Don't stress out this year. Just make the swap for hero bread and you'll be good to go. Hero bread is not only delicious, but it keeps your health and fitness goals in mind. With 0 to 1 grams of net carbs, 0 grams of sugar, and lots of fiber, you'll be. You'll be all set for any sandwich, French toast, casseroles, or stuffing this season brings. Let me just say this. If you could make a bread dish that is even 1% better for your health, wouldn't you do that? If you could make a French toast that has a little more protein, a little more fiber to keep you fuller, I think I'm doing that. That's the thing. It's efficiency. I am like You. I want to have the bread, but I want to know the bread isn't fucking up my day. That's where herobread comes in. I love it. It's delicious. They, they have a new recipe. It's great. They have different types of bread. You can get tortillas or bread or, you know, they have English muffins and they have the, they have different drops every now and again of different stuff. So it's great. They even make monthly small batches of favorites like their croissants with just 2 grams of net carbs. That's one like the croissant. Yeah. I say croissant when it's a croissant. You're like, I just, I want a croissant, but I just want it like a little bit better than normal. Fun. They got fun surprise over the holidays. It's the easiest way to keep the flavor that you love without totally blowing your holiday diet. Hero bread is offering 10% off your order of their new recipe. Go to Hero Co. Use code J train at checkout. That's J train at H E R O dot co. So those are our ads. They're done. They're in the, they're in the description of this episode. All right, here's a longer one. It's called Snooping Dilemma, which that's Juice. A big fan of the POD for background. I've been dating my boyfriend for just under a year. At the time we started dating, he had been single for a few months after getting out of a three year relationship. Okay, so single a few months. Then he starts dating you and you guys have been dating for just under a year. There were a few red flags for me from the start. First, the week after we met, he had been planning to visit his ex to, quote, unquote, talk about the possibility of getting back together. Okay, I don't, I haven't read this whole thing yet. Here's the character profile that's being written for me. You guys got together three months out of getting out of his three year relationship. Now you're dating under here. This, to me, he is a relationship guy and if he's going to talk to his ex about getting back together, loneliness affects him. And that, that is all I'll say based on that. Again, you know, three months out of your, out of your relationship, three year relationship. And then to be done, three months. I don't know if you really know if like I think you, you broke up for very specific reasons. And if you're going back to your ex, there's A you could go, you're the love of my life. Someone romantic could be listening right now being what if there's the love of their life? Okay, maybe, but usually it's, I'm not used to being alone. And who do you. What happens when you're lonely? You go back to the person you just came from. When you have one person, one less person to text, talk to, hug, the easiest person to go back to is the person you just ended things with. So that's why it happens the most. He asked if I'd be open to keeping in touch while he figured out his situation with her. I was not. He canceled the trip, took me out that weekend, and we started dating exclusively a few weeks later. Again, I get how this all happens. He basically, listen, I'm not going to speak on your connection with him. It might be very strong, but I think it's all a little convenient here. But we'll keep going. Like, you know, I won't keep going because to say, oh, we had this, you know, he's, he's going to talk with his ex to see if he can get back together with her. Hey, I'm not going to do that. And then he goes, okay, but that means you like me enough to put your foot in the ground. So I know that you're, you're going to be someone that will make me less lonely. You'll fix my problem, which is loneliness. That, and I don't mean to be so callous to this, but I'm just saying he canceled the trip. Okay. Started dating exclusively a few weeks. And the fact that you started exclusive a few weeks later, like, it just speaks to something. Second, he still has some photos and videos of her on his social media. Not as important. And a few even popped up on his Alexa. Not as important three year relationship. I still on my phone, every now and again I'll see a picture of my ex. And we've been. It's not because I'm like holding on to them and they're just there. It kind of pops up. It's annoying. I, I, but I don't think, I think the first red flag is more important than he's got some videos on his social media. I don't think like the videos and stuff is like him holding on to the love of his life, the one that got away. That's my first instinct. Well, it's not many. He obviously purged most of them. They include dates and trips that the two of them took and even one of them kissing. Well, that's A little weird, I would say. I could understand that it means nothing to him and why it would be weird to you. I would understand if my girlfriend came to me and was like, hey, listen, I know this is small and whatever, but it makes me feel weird that you have a picture of you and your ex kissing on your social media. Do you mind archiving that or putting it somewhere or deleting it? Just so I, you know, because I, you know, you. You're my boyfriend and someone I talked about with family and friends, and you can be looked up and you become friends with my friends, and they all see that. It's a little. Just embarrassing to me. I could. That's a conversation that would make total sense to me. Six months into a relationship, I found out I was pregnant. Oh, congratulations. After some major hesitation on my part and some pressure and some pressure from him, I decided to give up. Give up my place and move in with him and go all in on this relationship. What a turn. So six months into your relationship, which is a little less than six months from now, you know, you're just said you're with your boyfriend just under a year. So six months in, you found out you were pregnant. After some major hesitation on my part and some pressure from him, I decided to give up my place, move in with him, and go all in on this relationship. Okay, the word pressure from him, I'm like, you know, I'm a little cautious of that, but in my mind I just said, let's not take, you know, play detective to me. I think it's nice that he's like, let's move in. But I can understand the hesitation. Okay. Last week he called me from work asking me to do. To log into his computer to send him some documents giving me the computer password and two folder options to look at. I honestly hadn't been planning on snooping until I saw a letter addressed to my future wife and love of my life in the first folder, dated one week before he and I had met. Oh, my God, Talk about a titling snafu. I mean, I'm sorry to laugh. I mean, that is just so specific. How could you not look at that letter? I'm going to reread that sentence. I honestly hadn't been planning on snooping until I saw a letter addressed to my future wife and love of my life. I mean, that is like, how could you not click on that? In the first folder, dated one week before he and I had met? That's a good thing. I don't know if. Okay, I I mean, it's almost like he wanted you to see that, but. Okay. This didn't align with how he had described the end of their relationship to me. Well, I can understand those two things being different. How he describes the relationship to you and how he felt in a three months after breakout, when he's lonely again. My whole loneliness thing at the beginning is now kind of a defense of him. And he writes this letter, then he meets you. Okay. Okay. This in line with how he had described the end of our relationship, of the relation, their relationship to me. My curiosity got the best of me and I read the letter. It was him pouring his heart out to her about how he regretted breaking up. He had realized she was the love of his life. He wanted to start the family they had talked about together. Plus, a bombshell, a mention of their first son, daughter in heaven. Hey, I mean, I'm gonna put a little bit of a trigger warning at the beginning of this, but it seems as though they lost a child. I don't know. This isn't my work. You know, I don't have a kid. I'm not married. You know, I am an idiot in the Tulsa hotel room. So I guess they had conceived a child and they lost the baby at some point. And I don't know. I can't. I'm not going to make assumptions. This is all from the letter she read. I spent a few days debating if I should bring up my invasion of privacy, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Seeing this letter triggered all the insecurities I had about our relationship, particularly around the timing of the end of their relationship and the start of ours. While I hadn't been thrilled with the timing of our pregnancy, I had been happy about it. Now all I could think about was that every milestone I thought was a first for both of us had really only been a first for me. I don't know. Mention of their first son or son slash daughter in heaven. So I. Okay, I guess like the finding out that you're pregnant and all that stuff is not a first for him. A few days later, I asked him if there was anything that he hadn't been honest with about me regarding his ex. Another surprise. He told me she had actually continued reaching out for the first two months of our relationship, wanting to get back together. He denied responding, aside from answering a call once to tell her to stop calling. I. Okay, I'm going to. I'll take him at his word, but I don't really buy that. The idea that he was going to get back together with her and then he just ignored her for two months when she's reaching out, I don't know. I think it's important to mention that I had specifically asked on different occasions if his ex had reached out to him at all since we started dating, especially with the news of the pregnancy and he had maintained that it had only been once to send him a birthday text. Did I read that wrong? A few days later I asked him if there was anything that he hadn't been honest with me about regarding his ex. Another surprise, he told me she had actually continued reaching out for the first two months of our relationship wanting to get back together. He denied responding aside from answering a call, wants to tell her to stop calling. I think it's important to mention that I had specifically asked on different occasions if his ex had reached out to him at all since we started dating, especially with the news of the pregnancy. And he had maintained that it only happened once to send him a birthday text. So I guess now he's going so I guess when they got pregnant she asked if he had been talking to the ex and he said no, just a birthday text. But it now it turns out that she was calling for the first two months. I again, if he's willing to lie about that I the idea that it was just her calling, it's tough to believe. When I fessed up to reading the letter, he proceeded to tell me that he had unintentionally gotten her pregnant two years ago, but that neither of them were ready for the baby at the time. They quickly had an abortion. He said he had been scared to tell me previously because he didn't know how I react. I would personally not have had made the same decision and was shocked that he had gone that route. He assured me that he felt completely different about our situation, was excited to start a family together. I'm still shook now. I feel like I've found out about two lies, one by omission and one intentional. I'm having a really difficult time trusting him since this happened and find myself overanalyzing every detail of our relationship, comparing it to the narrative I created based on the letter and those picks still on his social so my question is am I wrong to be concerned about this or is this the way that most guys would have handled these situations? I think I'm never going to tell you how to feel. So are you wrong to be concerned about this? I consider this concerning. I think that your feelings are valid. Is this how most guys guys. Is this how people Handle things sometimes. I don't know. Most. I think people, as I said in the beginning of this episode, opt for comfort versus discomfort. I think he opted for what made his life more comfortable. And it was not telling you these things or omitting this, you know, certain facts. The fact that they had. That they had gotten pregnant and then had an abortion and he didn't tell you that. I could. To me, it is a little weird, but I guess I would. It's a little weird to have an oopsie pregnancy with a separate woman and not mention that you've been through this before and the feelings you had and the reasons you opted to go one route versus now this new route that you two are going together. Like, to me, that's. To me, it's not that I. Listen, I also get not mentioning that, but I would hope that the person that I'm in love with and having a child with is someone that I would be like that. That's the road. I would trust them and I would want to go down with them. You know, my thinking, what I was going through, I would understand also. I also understand not bringing it up until you had gotten pregnant. Like if you had gotten pregnant. He was like, listen, I gotta tell you something. Like, this is something that's happened with me before and I think we should talk it out. And I want to let you know, you know, the reasons I went this route with my ex. But I feel this way with you. I don't know. That seems like a more normal, open, communicative relationship, which I think we're all finding out. You are finding out. I'm finding out that you guys don't have that type of community. You guys do not have a healthy communication style is kind of the point. And I'm saying this as someone with, again, this feels like it's. This situation is ripe for you to go to a couples counselor, a professional, someone with real skills and tools to help you through this. I am not that person. I'm just giving you a third party perspective on this where if a couple came to me and said this is how they're finding things out, I would say it doesn't sound like you guys are communicating well and things are being hidden and then they're being only brought up when they're found out. So do you think it's possible for a guy to completely reverse course on being ready for a family within two years? Yes, I think, I think. I think some of that is person related. I think that's connection related. But I don't I think, yes. But I'm not going to say this person is. I'm just saying it can happen in less than a year out of a relationship where he specifically wasn't ready. I do think those things can be possible. So do I think it's what's going on with him? I don't know. I can't tell you because only he can tell you and only you two can do this together. Thanks for bearing with this. Long story. Curiosity killed the batch. I. I think all the information was important. I think I understand why it's hard for you to trust him now because of how all this stuff came out. I can understand why you would read a letter that is titled to the love of my. I mean, that's crazy. What was it called? The letter was like, please read if you're fucking me. It was to my. My future wife and love of my life. I mean, that. How do you not read that when you're on his computer? I would think, oh, this must be for me. So I'm not. I'm sorry to make light of the situation. Listen, and I'm sure you're pregnant right now. If you said you're under a year and you found out you're pregnant six months in, so you might be, well, first of all, congratulations. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and all that stuff and healthy delivery and I hope all healthy and good vibes from here. I would say to you, I think there's a way to attack this. If that's something you want to do and you have to want to do it, which it sounds like you do, I think you got to sit with them and be like, can we just put all cards on the table? We're about to have a kid together. And again, a professional, I would suggest. It seems like you need to talk to go to couples therapy would be very helpful for you, too, to go over how you communicate. I think men generally, if you want to get into generalities, men are fixers. They want to keep the boat from rocking. I'm that way a lot of times. So opting for truth versus omission versus, you know, you know, fibs and all those things is something sometimes I think he probably saw this as. Again, I said this before, it's selfish of him. He wanted to keep his life more comfortable in the most empathetic response to this. For him, he's being selfish. Now I can understand why this would rock your world of how do I feel about this pregnancy? Am I. Is this something he wants? Am I on A team with someone. And I think you have to just. I think you have to talk with him about it. And I think you got to get all the cards on the table, sit with them. We're having a baby right now, and I think you got to tell him everything. We got to stop with this, like, the trickle out. Like, listen, there's a few here. Here's the list of things that make me feel really uncomfortable right now. And again, the list, I don't think you should place importance on it. And I'm giving you advice. Just, I'm trying to think of what I would do. I would be like, social media. You're kissing someone on social media and you're having a kid with me. Do you think this is crazy of me to feel a little upset about that? I read this letter. I hate that I read it. You have a letter on your computer says that it loved my life, and it's not to me. Okay. We're less than a year in. Maybe we're not there yet. I know we're having a kid, so that changes thing. But can you understand why I would think to read that letter? Can you understand why that would be like, you know, seeing like, you know, a dollar on the ground with a string attached to it, then getting pulled into the trap? Okay. And I would say to him all your concerns and say that I think we gotta figure out how we can communicate where you. Yeah, it's gonna be uncomfortable, but we'll be better for it. It seems like you do things to keep yourself comfortable, and in turn, that makes me feel even more uncomfortable. Can we be comfortable together? And it's gonna take time. You're not gonna just trust them right away. And I think that's the thing that I would do in my more immature. I would try to, like, say a thing to, like, tell them what they want to hear. And it's like, don't tell me things I want to hear. Just like, can we just talk like normal people that, like, they're having a kid together that, like, want to give this a shot? Because as I said to the last emailer, little conversations that don't get had build into bigger conversations. Every time you don't have a little conversation, it builds inside of you. You didn't talk about the social media stuff, and now we're on an email where he's writing to some woman at another time. Again, this built up over time. I know. I don't think everything, you know, maybe a little bit of a discomfort about the social media conversation would have made you guys a better conversation, better communicate better communicators, and would have allowed him to trust that you weren't going to freak out on him because, you know, that other stuff went so well. Do you know what I mean? I'm asking, do you know what I mean on a podcast. I'm just saying this is a very difficult email, especially for me to answer. I do think a professional couples counselor is a good idea for you both. I do think this goes into the little conversations that get brushed aside, build up into big monster conversations, and this is a good example of that. So I think, like, put all those conversations on the page. Let's get. Let's go through all of them. We got to go backwards before we can go forwards. I hope this was helpful. I hope I can understand. Maybe you're like, what the fuck did you say? I don't know. I hope this was helpful. Mailbag Monday. Who Back next week. Boom.