Keeping the Spark Alive with Intimacy with Leandra - CHIT CHAT WEDNESDAY - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid

Summary

The JTrain Podcast: Keeping the Spark Alive with Intimacy with Leandra

Host: Jared Freid
Guest: Leandra Petrov, Certified Somatica Sex and Relationship Coach
Release Date: March 12, 2025

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In this insightful episode of The JTrain Podcast, host Jared Freid engages in a deep and candid conversation with Leandra Petrov, a renowned intimacy, sex, and relationship coach. Titled "Keeping the Spark Alive with Intimacy with Leandra - CHIT CHAT WEDNESDAY," the episode delves into the multifaceted nature of intimacy, strategies for fostering emotional and physical connections, and practical advice for both singles and couples navigating the complexities of modern relationships.

Introduction to Somatica Sex and Relationship Coaching

Jared begins by introducing Leandra Petrov and her unique certification as a Certified Somatica Sex and Relationship Coach. Leandra explains that Somatica—derived from the Somatica Institute—focuses on somatic practices, emphasizing the experiential and physical aspects of intimacy (02:35). Unlike traditional coaching that may rely solely on verbal communication, Somatica incorporates touch and real-time practices to enhance intimacy. This hands-on approach allows clients to engage more deeply with their emotional and physical selves, facilitating a more profound connection with their partners.

Defining Intimacy: Emotional vs. Physical

A central theme of the episode is the definition of intimacy. Jared expresses his initial confusion, likening it to a vague concept many people misunderstand. Leandra clarifies by distinguishing between emotional and physical intimacy. She posits that emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for fulfilling physical intimacy, stating, "you need to have good emotional intimacy as a prerequisite to good physical intimacy" (07:44). This differentiation underscores the importance of emotional connections in fostering a satisfying and meaningful physical relationship.

Strategies for Building Emotional Intimacy

Jared shares his personal experiences and challenges with building emotional intimacy, particularly as a single individual in his late 30s seeking meaningful connections. Leandra advises focusing on vulnerability as the key to emotional intimacy. She suggests that asking thought-provoking and slightly vulnerable questions can help partners open up and connect on a deeper level. For instance, she recommends questions about family dynamics or past experiences, such as, "Who were you in high school?" (08:29).

Leandra emphasizes the importance of timing in these conversations, advising that such questions are best introduced during what she refers to as "second drink questions." This concept aligns with Jared's playful suggestion of integrating these deeper questions into a relaxed and affectionate setting, enhancing the likelihood of genuine and open communication.

Addressing Resentment and Low Sexual Desire in Relationships

The discussion shifts to common issues faced by couples, particularly resentment and low sexual desire. Leandra identifies resentment as a primary blocker to intimacy, often stemming from unresolved conflicts or unmet emotional needs. She explains, "the first thing I do is tap into where are we holding resentment and can we start to repair that" (17:14). Resentment, if left unchecked, can erode both emotional and physical intimacy over time.

Leandra also addresses the phenomenon of low sexual desire, especially among women, linking it to societal factors such as sexual shame and trauma. She outlines a multifaceted approach to rebuilding desire, which includes:

1. Identifying Resentment: Understanding the root causes of negative feelings that dampen sexual desire.
2. Emotional Healing: Addressing past traumas and societal conditioning that contribute to sexual shame.
3. Communication: Facilitating open and judgment-free discussions between partners about their desires and boundaries.

Practical Tools for Enhancing Intimacy

Jared and Leandra explore practical tools and exercises to enhance intimacy within relationships. One notable suggestion is the "Intimate or Faking It" game, which encourages partners to discern between genuine intimacy and superficial interactions. For example, Jared provides a scenario where one partner jokes about eating ice cream despite its consequences, prompting Leandra to explain why such jokes, while playful, may not foster true vulnerability or intimacy (25:20).

Another tool discussed is the concept of regular relationship check-ins. Leandra supports Jared's idea of a "peaks and pits" date, where couples share what they are grateful for and areas of frustration in a structured yet playful manner. She reinforces the value of these check-ins in preventing the buildup of resentment and maintaining a healthy emotional connection (23:14).

Navigating Sexual Preferences and Boundaries

The conversation delves into the negotiation of sexual preferences and boundaries within relationships. Leandra introduces the concept of "core desires" and "hottest sexual movies," which are essentially personal fantasies that fulfill one's emotional and physical needs. She explains how identifying and communicating these desires can bridge gaps between partners, fostering a more satisfying sexual relationship.

When discussing BDSM and other non-traditional sexual practices, Leandra highlights the importance of open-mindedness and empathy. She advises against imposing one's desires on a partner, instead advocating for exploring common ground and understanding underlying emotions that may influence sexual preferences (35:02). This approach ensures that both partners feel respected and heard, facilitating a more harmonious and intimate connection.

The Role of Communication in Intimacy

Effective communication emerges as a cornerstone of intimacy throughout the episode. Leandra emphasizes the significance of tone and delivery when addressing sensitive topics, such as sexual dissatisfaction or unmet desires. Through role-playing scenarios, Jared and Leandra demonstrate how the same message can be perceived differently based on the emotional undertones. For instance, transforming an accusatory statement into an intimate expression of vulnerability can significantly alter the conversation's outcome (29:00).

Leandra also advises against relying solely on digital communication—like text messages—for discussing vulnerable topics, recommending more personal forms of communication such as in-person conversations, phone calls, or voice notes to ensure clarity and emotional resonance.

Supporting Singles in Building Intimate Relationships

While much of the discussion focuses on couples, Leandra also addresses the needs of singles seeking to build intimate relationships. She outlines tailored strategies for individuals, including:

• Overcoming Fear of Intimacy: Helping singles address anxieties about vulnerability and emotional exposure.
• Building Confidence: Assisting individuals in developing self-assurance to engage authentically in relationships.
• Navigating Dating Apps: Providing guidance on creating meaningful connections in the digital dating landscape.

Leandra shares insights into helping singles understand their own desires and boundaries, which is crucial for forming healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion and Resources

As the episode concludes, Jared and Leandra reiterate the importance of intentional and open communication in maintaining and enhancing intimacy. Jared encourages listeners to explore the resources offered by Leandra, including free calls, coaching sessions, and meditations available on her website, intimacywithleandra.com (38:59). Leandra highlights the value of continuous personal growth and emotional healing in achieving lasting intimacy.

Key Takeaways:

• Intimacy is Multifaceted: Emotional intimacy lays the foundation for fulfilling physical intimacy.
• Vulnerability is Crucial: Encouraging open and honest communication fosters deeper connections.
• Address Resentment Early: Regular check-ins and addressing underlying resentments prevent emotional and physical disconnects.
• Effective Communication Matters: The tone and medium of communication significantly impact the perception and outcome of intimate conversations.
• Tailored Strategies for Singles and Couples: Personalized approaches help individuals and couples navigate their unique challenges in building intimate relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Leandra Petrov on Somatica: "Somatic just means like of the body. So it's more like experiential practices and things that you can like, like touch can be involved in my work if it's in person." (03:28)

• Leandra on Emotional Intimacy: "You need to have good emotional intimacy as a prerequisite to good physical intimacy." (07:44)

• Leandra on Resentment: "Resentment is going to build over time. And if you're not actively having repair conversations, then it really snowballs." (17:14)

• Leandra on Communication: "Tone is extremely important. If you're discussing something that's vulnerable, you want to communicate in a way that conveys your true emotions." (29:57)

Final Thoughts

This episode of The JTrain Podcast offers a comprehensive exploration of intimacy, providing listeners with valuable insights and practical tools to enhance their personal and romantic relationships. Leandra Petrov's expertise and compassionate approach shed light on the intricate dynamics of emotional and physical connections, making this episode a must-listen for anyone seeking to deepen their understanding of intimacy and build more meaningful relationships.

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Connect with Leandra Petrov:
Visit intimacywithleandra.com to book a free call, access coaching services, and subscribe to her mailing list for exclusive resources and events.

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Timestamps:

• 02:35 – Introduction to Somatica Sex and Relationship Coaching
• 07:44 – Defining Emotional and Physical Intimacy
• 08:29 – Strategies for Building Emotional Intimacy
• 17:14 – Addressing Resentment and Low Sexual Desire
• 25:20 – "Intimate or Faking It" Game
• 29:00 – The Importance of Tone in Communication
• 35:02 – Navigating Sexual Preferences and Boundaries
• 38:59 – Conclusion and Resources

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Note: Timestamps correspond to sections within the podcast episode for easy reference.

Transcript

[Jared Freed]

Chit Chat Wednesday for you to listen to. I have a guess who will be your new boo. You're gonna love them too. Chit chat Wednesday. I hope you're having a good day today. I hope it's gonna be a perfect week, too. I hope you have a nice poo. It's a chat Wednesday too. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. It's a Chit Chat Wednesday. I'm coming to you live from Adelaide, Australia, to introduce today's episode with Intimacy with Leandra. Leandra Petrov is an intimacy coach, a sex and relationship coach. I love this episode. It was. It's exactly what I want to do on Chitchat Wednesday to bring on an expert to explain to me the dummy, what they are an expert in. And, Leandra, I just love the idea of being an expert in intimacy. And because I'm sitting there going, I don't even know what is the definition of intimacy. And I think starting at, you know, square one makes this an easier conversation. And it might be somewhere that you're maybe embarrassed to start with, with your partner, with a professional. So let me do it. So I want you to enjoy today's episode. It is fantastic. Just a really fun talk, an open talk that maybe you'd be a little bit embarrassed to have or don't have access to the person to have it. So enjoy today's episode with Leandra. Welcome to the new J Train podcast. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right, every Wednesday is a Chit chat Wednesday where I talk with a comedian, a friend, an expert. Today we have one of three, but I can already tell we're. We're already becoming fast friends. They are a intimacy, a certified somatica sex and relationship coach, and you can find them on their website, intimacywithleandra.com Leandra Petrov, thank you for coming on.

[Leandra Petrov]

Thanks for having me.

[Jared Freed]

I'm so excited you're here. I'm so excited to talk to you because I think the world of sex and relationship coaching is something that, like, people hear about. They have their assumptions and, you know, they move on with their day. And, you know, I think, you know, it's my opinion that we remember kind of like one thing, you know, like, you know, when people think comedian, they think of one thing. And that's why Coca Cola has commercials on tv. They want you to think every time you want a soda, you think of Coca Cola. So you think of the one thing. So can you explain what. And I don't even know if I pronounced it right. Certified Somatica Sex and Relationship coach. What is that?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, so Somatica is just the Somatica Institute, which is where I got my certification. So that's like the brand name. But basically what it is, it's Somatic Sex and relationship coaching.

[Jared Freed]

Okay.

[Leandra Petrov]

Somatic just means like of the body. So it's more like experiential practices and things that you can like, like touch can be involved in my work if it's in person. And it's just like you can like practice things more in real time. It goes further than just sort of like talking about it, if that makes sense.

[Jared Freed]

So it's involving phys. Actual physical strategies to make you more intimate with your partner.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. Or it can be intimacy with partner. I also work with individuals. I do both. Individuals and couples work. And it can be like a really wide range of pretty much any challenge that anyone's facing under the umbrella of sex, relationships, intimacy and dating. So it can be, it's a really wide range of things that I work with.

[Jared Freed]

Well, it is interesting because I want to zone in on and I do have questions based on single people and couples because I kind of thought of that before, but like, you know, intimacy is this kind of like vague word. Again, going back to like, what do people think of when they hear a single thing? They think of one thing. If you were to define intimacy, what would you, how would you define it? As someone who works in the intimacy game every day. Because I was thinking about it before you came on. I'm like, I kind of like, especially at 39 or I'm now 40 when this comes out and I'm dating and I'm like, I want to be intimate with someone or find that quicker. And maybe back when I was 22 or 25, 29, I kind of had the, it didn't even cross my mind. And now it's like, well, I just want to like kind of skip a couple levels. I, you know, skip sounds bad, but like, I want to get to the intimate stuff. So what, what is, how would you define intimacy and what do people think it is? And I, I, I, I kind of like direct us, lead us, you know, on, on that word.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. So it is a word that is like, can be very vague. And I think a lot of people use it as a way to really just say sex without having to say the word sex.

[Jared Freed]

Interesting. Because I, when I think of intimacy, I'm like, like, I've had a lot Especially recently, I think as a guy, we're accused of, like, we don't open up. And I'm, like, trying to open up differently on a first date. Not in, like, a. You know, not. Not even the sex way. Just to, like, be like, hey, let's start really talking. I don't want to, like, I don't care about your day. I do care about your day, but I want it to, like, be how I would talk about a day with a friend. And I know that takes trust. So I find sometimes you're on a date with someone who's guarded. They're like, if I give in to him soon, then I'll. I might hurt from this if it ends. I think that's the fear, especially if, you know, I'm dating people in their 30s, you know, so I think women, like, there's a little bit, like, I've done this before. I've given too much too soon, and now, like, I'm not. And I can feel it on my end. So as far as, like, intimacy, like, person to person, like, how would you know? I. How do you even define it that way?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. Yeah. So I think that, like, for me, I. People come to me and they're like, oh, I want help with intimacy. And I'm like, okay, what does that mean? Like, what kind of intimacy are you, like? Are you talking about, like, sex, or are you talking about emotional intimacy?

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Leandra Petrov]

Because there's physical intimacy and there's emotional intimacy in my head. And I view it as, like, you need to have, like, good emotional intimacy as, like, a prerequisite to, like, good physical intimacy. I'm sure we've always had, like. All of us have had sort of, like, empty sexual experiences where there was, like, no, like, emotional or, like, any kind of, like, connection. It was just, like, sort of very, like, transactional. And that's. That can feel like. There's nothing wrong with that if it's fulfilling. But I think for most people, it's not actually fulfilling. And so as they get, you know, sort of like in their 30s and they're, you know, they, like, later in life, they're looking for, like, okay, let's go backwards. Like, how do I actually, like, connect emotionally with someone? And then the result of that is that it does make the sex, like, a lot better as well.

[Jared Freed]

So this is kind of brings me to one of the questions I wrote down for you. I love that you distinguish emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. And, like, one. It seems like you're saying one leads to the next. They're Connected. Yeah. Okay, so what's one thing a single person can do on a first date to kind of jumpstart emotional intimacy? What would be, like, a line you would use or maybe like, a question that might get people to open up? And I'm like, you know, I'm semi asking for myself, but I'm sure there's people out there like me, that they're like, I just want, like, an arrow in my sheath, so to speak, you know?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. Yeah. So I would say, like, ask questions that could lead to, like, vulnerability. So vulnerability is really the key to, like, emotional intimacy. So if you can get someone to start opening up about something that's, like, a little bit challenging to talk about, that's a really good, like, way to start to, like, get in there, so to speak. So it can be like, you know, ask them about their family. Like, a lot of us have, like, challenging, you know, family dynamics that we can. That we can talk about and. Or it can be like, I love this one because it's kind of, like, playful, but it can also lead to something is like, you know, who were you in high school? Like what? You know, like, stuff like that that's, like, a little deeper than, like. So, like, what TV shows do you watch or, like, things like that? You know, just like, something that can lead to potentially to something that's a little more vulnerable of a share and then gauge their reaction to it.

[Jared Freed]

I would call these, like, second drink questions. Yeah, like, you know, like, I think, like, I'm binging this, you know, TV show. You know, I was just at home with my family. Oh, yeah. Let's get another drink. Okay. Who are you in high school? Like, I think that's, like, the, you know, the moment that you're. To me. Is that. Is that fair to be like, hey, you have to be kind of, like, comfortable enough to have these questions.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, I love that. Yeah. You don't want, like, the very first thing you say to be like, you know, okay, let's. Like, you don't want to, like, scare them away, but, like, yeah, if you're. If you're to the point where it's like, second drink, and you're like, second drink equals, like, yes, I'm feeling this. Like, I want to get to know you more. You know, let's. Let's go a little bit further.

[Jared Freed]

Second drink can. You know, that's it. I think that's a fun way to look at a date. Like, second drink questions is. Yeah, we've agreed there's been a yes involved Like, I'm giving consent to this next thing, you know, if you want to really, like, get down in the weeds on languaging, you know. So, okay, so you're on this first. So what's the best thing that, like. Okay, so another question I had is, what do people have the biggest issue revealing? Like, what's the thing that they come to you and you're like, you're not doing this one thing. You need to be concentrating on this.

[Leandra Petrov]

It really depends on, like, because like I said, I work with such a wide range of, like, issues. So it's super individualized to, like, each person. And that's a big part of what I do is, like, kind of get into that first session and, like, get. Try to get sort of, like, under the hood, so to speak, of, like, what's really going on underneath. But I do find that a lot of times it is, like, just, like, fear of emotional intimacy. And at the core of that is, like, fear of getting hurt. Right. So.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Leandra Petrov]

That tends to block people a lot of different ways.

[Jared Freed]

Everyone's got to go. Follow Leandra Petrov at Intimacy with leandra. Intimacy with leandra.com. that is where you can sign up for a free call and classes and. Or schedule coaching and stuff like that. So. So you sit with someone who's single. Are they coming to you because they want the physical intimacy that they're not finding? Or, like, what would a single. Because I. I would think that a sexual coach. It's like. It's more like partners, like, I guess. Why would a single per. Are they. Do you find that the single people are coming to you, like, for help with emotional intimacy, and the couples are coming to you for help with, like, you know, figure this out. You know, what we're missing here is that kind of like the breakup.

[Leandra Petrov]

I mean, with. With couples, it's. It is actually often emotional intimacy as well. But what usually gets them in the door very often is like, either some time some type of sexual dysfunction that's happening and. Or, like, hey, we've been together, you know, 5, 10, 20, 30 years, and, like, we're not having sex anymore. Like, the sex has gone out of the marriage. Like, how can we get it back? And oftentimes it's like, mismatched desire. Like, one person seemingly, like, wants sex, and the other one doesn't have the desire for it. That's a lot of, like, the typical couple stuff. With individuals, it can really vary. It's sometimes it's a lot of, like, dating help. Just like someone who doesn't feel experienced enough in like dating and they just want like a guide in that. It can be, you know, someone who's lacking confidence and wants to, you know, work with that. It can be like trauma related stuff.

[Jared Freed]

How do you guides. I'm sorry to interrupt, but like, how do you guide someone who is like trying to get into dating? Like, what's, what's the, where do you even begin with someone like that? Like, is it like that they just want to get back in the game and they need someone like help them out? Like, you know, is it helping them with their dating app? Is it? What is it? What is it?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, so it can be helping with the dating app and like, you know, just talking about how dates are going and like trying to sort of like troubleshoot like what's going on. A lot of times though, what I first start with is like figuring out like why they feel the lack of confidence or like where the struggle is coming from in the first place. And like some people, it's, yeah, they've like, they were in a relationship for a long time and then they took a really long break because they were scared of getting hurt again and they need help like opening up again.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Leandra Petrov]

Or it can be like someone who's not had a lot of experience at all. Like, maybe it's someone who's, you know, never been in a relationship or like never had sex before and like is in their head about, you know, that they don't feel that they've had enough experience in this realm and they, they want to like have some tools and skills like before they just kind of like go in like, you know, right.

[Jared Freed]

How do you talk to someone who's never had sex before? Like, how do you even. Where do you begin? Like, is it, is it like education at that point? Is it like, let me take out the map like from the 80s with like and show you a penis or a vagina, like, to like, is it like that?

[Leandra Petrov]

So it can be.

[Jared Freed]

It's.

[Leandra Petrov]

It's like everything I do is sort of like a multi pronged approach. Right. So like part of it is like, okay, let's literally look at like what parts are where and make sure that we know where things are. Let's, you know, here's like the basic like skills, the tips and tricks that I can teach you of, like generally what to do. But then ultimately it's a lot of like how to communicate with each individual partner because everyone's going to want something different. And being comfortable with that communication piece is really, really big and then it's a lot of, like, what's going on emotionally, like, what's. What's holding you back emotionally? And, like, how can we, like, dive into that and see what we can resolve there? Because it's. It's. There's something that's, like. That's blocking.

[Jared Freed]

I. I keep thinking of, like, men. Like, the men who need you most probably don't go to you. Like, you know, like, it's like one of those, you know, catch 20 twos. Like, because the people that are coming to you are probably, like, wildly curious and optimistic at a certain point, and they really want to be better. They want to, like, really be a good partner to someone, even when they don't know who that partner is going to be. But, like, I'm sure, like, I'm sure every man would, like, especially straight men would like, benefit from, like, this type of, like, coach up. Like, I. You know what I mean? Like, I think, like, probably most of the women that come to you are because they were, like, with a guy who wasn't ready to be intimate, and then they're like, hey, how do I figure out this the next person that won't be intimate? Is that correct or am I crazy?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, with women it can. It's usually a lot of, like, low sexual desire, really, that tends to be like, the. The sort of, like the most common thing. It can also be like, dating or, like, lack of experience. It can be a lot of, like, you know, women are socialized to sort of like, have sexual shame, like, built in from, like, a very, very early age. And that's actually how I got to this place. Like, I was working through my own sexual shame from childhood. And like, it's a lot of sort of like, de. Shame ifying, like, what we've been taught and like, the experiences that we've had. There also may be, like, trauma, like, sexual trauma involved or like, assault or things like that that need to be, like, worked through. So it's a lot of just like, unpacking, like, the shame and like, how can we, like, sort of reclaim the body and like, move past, you know, what's. What's blocking here?

[Jared Freed]

If. If there's someone who is dealing with low sexual desire, like, what. What's the first thing you. How do you start with someone like that? Like, what. What do you. Where do you go?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, so there's a lot of different reasons that low desire can happen. The. The number one, though, is resentment. So a lot of times when couples come to me and they're like, we're not having sex anymore. It's not always, but more often than not, it's the female half of that. You know, if it's a hetero couple, that is just, like, lost desire. And in, in all relationships, like, resentment is going to build over time. And if you're not, like, actively having, like, repair conversations to sort of, like, dissolve the resentment as you go, then it really, really builds up. And then five, 10 years later, it's like the bedroom's gone totally cold because there's all this resentment. And so the first thing I do is, like, tap into, like, where are we holding resentment? And, like, can we start to, like, repair that?

[Jared Freed]

Where does it normally come from? Like, what is it? Like, is it a simple place or is it more complex? Is it, like, you don't do anything to help keep this home afloat? Like, is it that? Or is it like, I resent you for, like, I'm sure, I'm sure you've seen it all. Like, I'm sure there's, like, you know, there's cheating that, you know, they stayed together and that's part of it. But, like, is there, like, what's, like, a little thing that people get resentful for that, like, starts it? What's the seed?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, so it really can be like, any of those things that you mentioned. It's just like, anything. So, like, there's a lot of people that, like, just when things bother them, they just sort of, like, brush them under the rug instead of talking about them. And that's what builds resentment. And so oftentimes I have people coming in and they're, like, fighting about something still that happened, like, years ago that they're still both holding resentment about, but it's never, like, about that thing. So, like, let's say there's like, a stupid example of, like, he never takes the trash out. Right? Like, on the surface, like, and even the couple might think, like, oh, this is like a fight about the trash. But it's not, it's never about, like, that thing. It's always about, like, the emotions that, that come out when that isn't done. So maybe it's like, when you do this, I don't feel like you respect, you know, what I'm asking you to do, or I don't feel like you, you care for me, or like, you know, like, something as simple as, like, taking the trash out for each person. It might mean something else.

[Jared Freed]

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[Leandra Petrov]

That sounds fun and it sounds like a more playful way of sort of having what we call like a relationship, like check in conversation. So a lot of people will like have either a weekly or a monthly or a bi weekly whatever. Like check in where they're like hey, like how are things going? Is there anything that's bothering you? You know, kind of like this is.

[Jared Freed]

So something I would never do. Like I' I'm saying this as the guy who would never do it. Yeah, okay.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, yeah. So like if it's, if it's more fun and appealing to have it be sort of like a playful, you know, alliterative like thing that you know, you can talk about your turn ons and your, your anger if that, you know, do what you need to do to make it sound fun. But ultimately it is like it's really, really great idea actually to have like regular check ins because if you don't do that, that's when things get built up and built up and built up and over Time, it turns into resentment, and then desire is lost, and it kind of snowballs.

[Jared Freed]

I. I'm just thinking of, like, the couple that's like, fuck off, Jared. I'm not getting in my. My Christian gray suit to like, have this, like, weird, sexy candle at night where I talk about my anger and my turn on. I don't know, it's just like, to me, I. I get, like. I think create, you know, get creative with this stuff. You know, like. Okay, I have more questions. What. Okay, what? Do I want to play a game, actually. Okay. We're gonna call it Intimate or Faking It.

[Leandra Petrov]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

Okay. Intimate or Faking It. I'm gonna give you a quote. And is this person being intimate, or is it, like, they're feigning intimacy? Like, they think they're being. They're being vulnerable, but they're actually not. So it's called Intimate or Faking it. Here's the quote. Okay, I'm going to eat this ice cream, even though it'll make me shit my pants.

[Leandra Petrov]

Hard. Out of context, I will.

[Jared Freed]

You're on a first date. Okay, I'll give context to it. You're on a first date. You go for ice cream. You have a couple of drinks. Then you're like, you want to go get ice cream? Because there's, like, an ice cream place down the street from me. And then you start. Let you go, I'll have the. You know, I'll have the salted caramel. And then she orders it, and I'm like, man, this ice cream is like eating a grenade. This will not do me. Well, later tonight. Is that me being intimate, or is that me being, like, kind of faking it?

[Leandra Petrov]

I think that's. I think that's a joke. I don't think that's actually.

[Jared Freed]

Jokes are not intimate.

[Leandra Petrov]

I mean, I think that this is.

[Jared Freed]

Very interesting to me because I get in relationships and I make jokes, and sometimes I think it's me avoiding talking to them. And it's not taken. Like, I'm not, like, I am saying I have stomach issues in that joke, but I'm also like, I. I could also see someone. Oh, I guess he's just messing around. Right? I never thought of it that way.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, I think that's sort of like. And again, like, jokes are great, and it's important to have, like, playfulness and relationships and be able to, like, laugh together, but I wouldn't call that, like, vulnerability.

[Jared Freed]

Okay. I love this. Okay. This is why we're playing the game. Intimate or faking it. I'm On a first date. And we're having our first drink. We're on second drink. Okay. Like we talked about before. So we're on our second drink and I say, yeah, I'm looking for a serious relationship. Is that intimate or is that faking it?

[Leandra Petrov]

If it's true, then I think it's intimate.

[Jared Freed]

Okay.

[Leandra Petrov]

If you're really being honest about what you're looking for, then I think that's great.

[Jared Freed]

Well, we have so many listeners that write in that, like, I would, you know, they say he said he was looking for a serious relationship and then he acted in a way that didn't feel like they were looking for a serious relationship. To me, I do agree that a lot of men, especially I speak for myself. Like I've been saying I've been looking for a serious relationship for now, 18 years, you know, like, so, like, and, and I've been in relationships. I haven't not had a girlfriend. But at the same time, like, I'm sitting here 40 years old, not married, no kids, never been married. So I can understand how from the other side, they're like, that's just a line. But I, I think most men have the. And I, I do, I speak for men because I'm speaking for myself. They have this, like, I'm looking for a relationship if the right person convinces me that I should get, get into that. So I do understand how that sounds like fake intimacy.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, if it's, if it's authentic and if it's something that, you know, you really want, then I think anything that's authentic is intimate.

[Jared Freed]

Okay.

[Leandra Petrov]

If it is a line, then that's different, right?

[Jared Freed]

No, it's authentic to me. Yeah, but, you know, words are easy, so I don't know. I'm being self reflective. Okay.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Okay. Ready?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

I'm on a date with someone. Third date. We've had two drinks and they reveal they like it a little rough in the bedroom. Is that intimacy or is that just talk?

[Leandra Petrov]

I think that is intimacy because they're taking a, taking sort of a risk by saying that because, you know, you, you might, that might scare you away. Right. So they're revealing something about themselves that is kind of a vulnerable share.

[Jared Freed]

Okay.

[Leandra Petrov]

I would say that's intimate.

[Jared Freed]

Okay. I'm in a marriage of two years. I go to my wife over dinner and she's like, what's wrong? We're having dinner. She's like, what's been wrong? You've been cold lately. And I say, our sex isn't Where I'd like it to be is saying it that way. Intimate or accusatory? Is it really faking it?

[Leandra Petrov]

Hmm. The thing about these things is there's a million different tones you can use, so I think tone matters a lot with something like this.

[Jared Freed]

Let me. Let me act it out.

[Leandra Petrov]

I'll do.

[Jared Freed]

Do a little bit of improv. You ready?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. Things aren't really good on my end. Our sex is not where I'd like it to be.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. Extremely accusatory.

[Jared Freed]

Right. Okay. Okay, let me change the tone. Is this.

[Leandra Petrov]

Okay?

[Jared Freed]

Could. Could I say this in an. In a intimate way? Let's. Let's give it a shot.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

You know, I've been thinking a lot, and I love you, but I just don't think our sex is where I'd like it to be. What do you feel about that? Is that intimate?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, definitely.

[Jared Freed]

I think you bring up a great point. Tone is important. It's lost over text most of the time. Right. Are you finding that a lot of people are just texting too much and that's kind of the cause of their loss of intimacy? Because you bring up tone, like, that would be a huge thing.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. So text is really dicey when you're talking about something that's either vulnerable or, like, you know, if you're triggered, is something that's like, you know, there's like, some kind of emotional charge around it. You really want to do that ideally in person, if not, like, on FaceTime or the phone, or even, like, I love a voice note. Like, I use voice notes all the time in, like, my personal relationships, because if I have a lot to say and it's emotionally charged, a, it's just easier to talk, to say it into my phone than to type it out. But B, someone's going to hear my tone of voice, and they're going to take it the way that I mean it. Rather than texting. People can take it a million different ways.

[Jared Freed]

Right, Right.

[Leandra Petrov]

I think tone is extremely important.

[Jared Freed]

Okay, so we'll do this next one. Okay. I'm. I'm the wife. We've been married for five years, and my husband just asked me why we don't have sex anymore. Okay. We're having wine on the couch, watching Love is Blind, and he's like. He's like, jared, we don't have sex anymore. Well, you rarely get me off. Is that a tone thing?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. That's, like, super accusatory, right? Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

So that could be said in a tone that actually is inviting. Could it? Like, you could Go. Like, I would. Like, what if she said it like this? Well, I've been. I haven't been getting off lately, and I don't know how we explore that. Would that be. I guess there's a we in there. So that's helpful.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, totally. That's. That's a much more intimate way to say it. Like, in general, like, come from a place of vulnerability. Right. So. And try to avoid, like, the you language. Like, the you is very, like, blaming and shaming. So it could be something like, yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I've been feeling kind of frustrated because I feel like, you know, I'm not getting, like, I'm not having the level of pleasure that I know that I'm capable of. And I'd love to see if we could explore different ways to make it more pleasurable for both of us.

[Jared Freed]

See, that gets me into another territory that I would think that a lot of couples that come to you, they would be like, they have something in their head that they want to do with their partner, and they don't know how to say it to someone that they've known for a very long time. It's the equivalent of, like, you've buttoned up the shirt, and then you realize that you've missed a button, and you gotta unbutton the whole shirt to get to that. How do you start that conversation? And do you notice that right away when a couple comes to you and they're like. One is like, what's going on? And the other is like, I've been thinking of one thing, and I don't know how to tell you this. Is that a big part of, like, what people come to you for, in.

[Leandra Petrov]

Terms of, like, something they want to try sexually or something like that?

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. Like, I would think an intimacy coach. A sex coach. Oh, we'll go to the sex coach to, like, have this communication go easier than when bringing it up on the couch? I. Right. I don't know.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. So that's a big thing that I do with. With anyone that I work with, honestly, even. Even singles, but also with couples. A lot of times people aren't having sex or don't desire sex because they don't know what type of sex they want to have. And so they're not getting the type of sex that they want to have. So a big part of what I do is help people discover their core desires and their hottest sexual movie. So their core desires are the feelings that they want to feel during sex, the emotions we're all going to sex, to feel something emotionally. Even if we don't think that we are, we are. And then hottest sexual movie is the ultimate, like fantasy that things that you want to do to get those core desires method. And so one of the things that I do with people is help them figure out what these are for themselves. And then if it's with a couple, I'll have a session where I facilitate a conversation between the two of them where they tell each other what these are for them. And then we start to figure out like, okay, what's a hell no? What's a hell yes? Where can we bridge these desires so we can both make it more likely that you're both going to get what you want in the bedroom?

[Jared Freed]

So it's a little bit of a negotiation. You're like, you're like the arbitrary, you know, what do they call the, the arbitrator?

[Leandra Petrov]

Is that what it is?

[Jared Freed]

Maybe, yeah. There's a word here that. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, how do they know what a hell no is if they're like, I don't know what, you know, like is. Is it a little bit of like, you know, when you get like tested for allergies and they just give you a little ounce of everything to see like what you are? Like, is it that are like, take me through the list. Like, of like, like when someone says hell no, is it because they've tried it before, they hated it, or is it like they just can't imagine it?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah, it can be either one. A lot of times, like people have judgment around, you know, sort of like more taboo things. I also work with people on BDSM a lot. And so sometimes there'll be like one person in the couple who like really wants to try out like certain BDSM things and the other person is like, that sounds really intense to me. Like, and there's sort of like, there's a bit of like judgment around, like why that person wants that. And so there's a lot to work through there. But when I do these like sessions where it's just like, okay, let's share what we found with your core desires and your core desires and then let's see where we can bridge. Like the first thing I always say is like, just listen without judgment. Like, there's no pressure for you to do anything just because your partner said that that's something that they're into.

[Jared Freed]

Right. It's very one sided too. It's a little bit that I could imagine feeling ganged up on. Like, if like my partner comes to me, with this coach, and they're like, you know, the coach is like, oh, bdsm, of course. Like, because to some people, it's just that. And to the partner, like, probably pumped. They're like, oh, finally someone, like, sees my side on this. And then there's this other person who's involved, you know, whoever it may be in the relationship. They're like, why am I the issue here? Like, I don't want to do, like, how do you get through that? Like, I. That's got to be so tough. And, like, again, there's, like, maybe a mortgage here, you know? Like, it's like, yeah, over, you know, like, it's like, you know, I don't know. This person is an animal. You know, they're trying to live out their animalistic desires, and the other person's an animal, too, and they're going, that's just not how this dog eats, you know?

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. So when I work with couples, what I also do is I work with each person individually, and that's a really good time for me to, like. I mean, I'm trying to be as impartial as possible. Right, Right. I don't have. You know, it doesn't ultimately make a difference in my life if you guys end up, like, trying BDSM or not. Like, I'm not. I'm not like, the BDSM evangelist over here, but.

[Jared Freed]

But you're just trying to find common ground, like, I. I would imagine common ground.

[Leandra Petrov]

I'm trying to see if there's any. Any. Any aspect that might be interesting to the other person who they might be willing to just, like, take one step and explore. And again, there's, like. It's very important to not have pressure about. Like, you know, no one wants to feel like they're being changed or whatever, but I do think that, like, sometimes there's emotional stuff to work through about. Like, what is the aversion? Like, what is underneath? Is it. Is it judgment? Is it, you know, childhood trauma? Is it, like. Like, what are the emotions that are underneath? Like, this. If someone's having a really strong reaction to, like, something that someone said they're into, like, there's emotional stuff going on there, and, like, let's work through that as well.

[Jared Freed]

I think this whole thing's very interesting. I think it's interesting, like, the idea. Because intimacy to go back to, like, the beginning, like, it's such a. It's a word that everyone just agrees they know, but then they. Everyone has this different. Different definition, you know, or, like, different feeling around it. So I'm so happy we had you on Leandra Petrov. I want everyone to go follow Leandra at intimacy with Leandra. Intimacywithleandra.com where you can book. You said you can book a free call.

[Leandra Petrov]

Yeah. So if you go to my website, you can book a free call to discuss coaching if you think that it might be right for you. You can also sign up for my mailing list. You'll get a free Core Desires meditation when you sign up for the mailing list. And then you'll get, like, blog posts and info about upcoming events and stuff like that.

[Jared Freed]

I absolutely love this. I want everyone to go follow. And all that information is in the description of this episode, both on YouTube and on all the podcast apps. This was fantastic. I'm so happy we met. I want people to sign up. And, you know, to me, like, I was like, you know, V, our producer was like, she's like, this woman. Leandra is awesome. Like, you're gonna. And I think even for someone where they're, like, afraid of this conversation, just hearing us chit chat about it might get them to go, okay. Maybe that's an option for me in my life and especially single people. I think these single people kind of overlook it. But this was great. Thank you so much.

[Leandra Petrov]

Thanks so much for having me.

[Jared Freed]

Awesome. We'll be back next week. Boom.