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The JTrain Podcast
My ex contacted me 2 years after the break up! - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder. You got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is Jay Train Jared Freed coming to you live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right. Every Monday is a mailb. You, the listener, write in. Me, the comedian and podcaster, answer your emails. It can be about anything. Lifestyle, friendship, relationships, anything that you just want to air out without people knowing who it is. And get an honest answer from someone that has no reason to be anything but honest with you. That's the whole premise here. What would someone say to me if. If I got them at no filter? That's what I'm doing here for you. That's. That's the goal here of Mailbag Monday. And where do you send those questions? J train podcastmail.com. j train podcast@gmail.com and I have two, you know, thorough emails. I'm just looking at them. I haven't read them. I like to read them live with you. So I read them live on the air. I give you my. Right, my. My immediate reaction. So keep sending them in j train podcast gmail.com. you can also send them DM them to the J Train Instagram account. At J Train Podcast, we're monitoring that DM situation. Also, we love a screenshot. Love when you send a screenshot to add more context to whatever you're talking about. That's always fun. So that's just a reminder, you know, scre, screenshots, pictures, all these things help to paint a bigger picture of what you're talking about and also give me a chance to answer with more, you know, context so you can kind of feel, or maybe I'm feeling I'm a little in my head that I'm just back from Australia. I got the jet lag. I am. So I'm a little slow with my words. I kind of feel like I'm slow connecting my brain to my. To. To my mouth, so to speak. So I hope you'll hang with me. So there's two asks at the beginning of this podcast. One, send in your questions for Mailbag Monday. We love your questions to follow on YouTube. Every Saturday, I'm putting up new, longer clips. This Saturday, this past Saturday, I put up an interview I did on the Australian Today show so you can see what the Today show looks like in Australia. I went on, like, what their third hour be, and I promoted the shows. I had a good time. Those. Those. The co Hosts there were awesome. You know, I've done these daytime shows before and sometimes you run into co hosts that like they won't laugh. Laughter is seen as like, you know, you can kind of tell like don't their, their move. For a lot of these people that host these daytime shows, the move is to be to give you no reaction because a laugh is like agreeing with you and they're afraid of getting in trouble at all. These two co hosts were awesome. I can't say enough nice things about how well, I guess graceful. No, just giving. They were just fun. And it, when you're giving, you know, as an audience or as a co host, you get more out of the comedian, you get more out of your co host. You know, when you're, when someone's, and I've had this before, when someone's just, you know, frown facing you. When they're, when they're mean mugging and they're just arms crossed. Everything you say is annoying or to be battled with. They're not really helping make a better show. It's again, if you've ever taken an improv class, they tell you yes and is funnier than no, but yes and yes. And another thing that's always going to be funnier. So go to the YouTube, subscribe to the YouTube and all these things like liking the, you know, the video and commenting. They are such a huge help to me and are of no cost to you and I do consider them like payment of a certain kind. So if you could like and comment and whatever you can do but also subscribe and you know, now I'm asking for a lot, so I agree. Jared, calm down. Just go check out the YouTube. So I got two emails and one sponsor. So the sponsor I will read in between the two emails and the sponsor is always in the description of the episode. So here we go. Let's go to the first one. Jared, big fan of yours. This pod and the uapod. Thank you. I've been wanting to write in about this story, but I've been hesitant. But after I heard the Let them episode, it prompted me to actually send because of your reactions during that episode. Okay, so that was the episode of you up we did with Mel Robbins. Who there is no one bigger than Mel Robbins right now. So I, I, I thought she came on the show and she did her thing, so to speak. I, you know, it's tough with Mel Robbins because she, I have to acknowledge she is, she's doing good for someone. Someone takes what she says and is motivated by her and is helped by her and my, you know, breakdown of what she's kind of selling is the turd and the punch bowl for that person. And I'm the miserable fuck. So I do understand. Like, to me, the let them thing, what she was explaining is called being a dad. That's what dads do. Dads just let things happen. And that's my experience with moms and dads. My mom will try and micromanage and fix things and, and make sure that I wear the right thing and do the right haircut. And then my dad will go, well, you know, the, the ba. You know, the baby will stop crying when the baby's done crying, you know, you know, the, the, the. The toddler will eat when he's hungry if he doesn't want to eat what we serve them. It's so. I don't know. So that's my response. But I do. It's tough because that episode, you have someone who is really helping someone, and you're trying to kind of go back and forth with them, but they're not looking to go back and forth with you. They have a stump speech that they're, you know, giving, and you can see there's been blowback on from other people. I don't know if I'm allowed, if, if me. Jared Freed. If anyone wants to hear from me breaking down my feelings and thoughts on Mel Robbins, I will say that podcast wasn't a fun experience for me. It wasn't someone. Again, I, I didn't know that this was the email. And you could call be like, you don't know the. I, I read them as they come in. What I said in the beginning, you know, yes and versus no. But, like, you know, if you're trying to have, if you have someone on your show and you, you're there to have fun with them, but they have their own, you know, goals. That's, you know, that's one thing. So I dated a guy for a little over a year in 2021, coming out of the pandemic, a weird time. Okay, so over a year, 2021, coming out of the pan again. I would say for some, that's a weird time. For others, that was the time they got together. I, I don't really kind of subscribe to that. So I hear what you're saying, but I think you're saying that after the fact, when I was in the relationship, I didn't seem to notice any red flags as I was in love. Really thought there was a future with this guy. I'D say that's any relationship. I think that's any it has to be that, you know, looking back again, you're connecting the dots looking backwards, which is easier to do, but I understand. Then one day before a dinner and a movie date, I was totally blindsided and walked into his place for our date night. Date night only to be hit with I think we should break up. He clearly had made his decision that day while we planned our date night. I I love this is a great email. Thank you for writing in I I. You say he clearly made his decision that day and then you put in parentheses while he planned our date night. I know you're trying to get me to decide. I get it. When's he supposed to break up with you? And again, if he's not including you on the breakup discussion, then he is always going to. It is always going to feel like it was plotted behind your back because you didn't really get to have a say. So when he told me he wanted to break up, I just said okay. Why? He only gave me the line we're just not compatible and failed to give any examples of why he suddenly figured this out after a year of dating. I mean, I talk about this in the Netflix special. I don't think he has a good reason. And if he gave reasons to you, I think those reasons here's the thing. When he didn't include you in the negotiation, then there was nothing you could do. So the why is to him. He's like, well, if I give you a why, they're going to seem frivolous and they're going to seem fixable and you're gonna rebut me. I'm not looking. He wasn't looking to be debated. So I understand his why. He gives you nothing. I understand why you want something. You want to debate with him like what is this? What you know, where's your thinking? And because from his end, what's he gonna tell you? You did something wrong? You did nothing wrong. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, to which I said no and gathered my things at his place left never seeing him or hearing him from him again except maybe two post breakup phone calls from me after the fact. Needless to say, the breakup left me heartbroken for a long time and I haven't serious relationship since. I spent a lot of time thinking back on our relationship and the red flags I failed to see his drinking, he watched Fox News and Tucker Carlson Daily, weird family dynamics, etc. And eventually all of the love I had for him turned to hate as a way to cope. But eventually I realized along with my friends family that I had dodged a bullet and was lucky I didn't up with end up with the guy. Well, I think, you know, I get, I understand everything you're saying here. I agree you dodged a bullet not ending, not being in a life with someone who didn't include you in the negotiation of where they were feeling and how they were feeling. They weren't ready to be a team. They were on their own. And that's the thing. Maybe you didn't real I think like looking back at like what they consumed like Fox News and Tucker Carlson, like those aren't stations and people that I consume but I don't know if that is I. And those are ways you can make yourself feel better, I guess because you're like, oh, obviously I didn't see this sinister side, this side with opinions that I completely didn't agree with. I tend to believe that like if he was there to negotiate with you, if he was there to be a team, what he consumes and how he consumes it would be negotiated with you and talked about and you would find rationalizations for those. So I understand what you're doing. I think to me that's like, you know, you're, it's like when you golf and you keep slicing it right so you aim left to try and correct. And I think like saying he, you know, the drinking too like you to not notice it in the moment, not say to him, hey, I think you're drinking too much. And then, but then to look at it afterwards, I don't know, it's revisionist history so to speak. But I understand. Listen, I agree with you. We come to the same conclusion. You dodged a bullet by not being with someone who wasn't ready to be in a partnership. Fast forward to two and a half years later and out of the clear blue sky with no contact or any updates on how he is or what is going on in his life and vice versa. I made sure he was blocked from seeing of my socials and my friends were under strict orders to not tell me anything about him. Okay. He reached out to me, okay. He only to find out that he had married the woman he started dating a month after we broke up and was in and was not in the midst and was now I guess now it says not and it was now in the midst of a bitter divorce. I, I wonder how you felt. I mean this email goes on. So basically two and a half years later he contacts when you guys have had no contact and he's in the middle of a bitter divorce of the woman he dated after you. Again, like, it's funny, you bring up a lot of specifics that, like, I think are, we disagree, but I respect why you bring them up. Please don't take this as a disrespect of your feelings and invalidation. I understand it, you're in it, I'm not. But when you bring up like, the woman that he dated after me, you know, like, I, I, I, I don't think that is as personal to you as it may feel, but I, I get it. He realized he had fucked up, quote, unquote, by breaking up. And listen, he's doing the same thing as you. Even line one of, of the second part of your email because it came on a different slide. He, he is doing what you're kind of doing, but his, I think is more, you know, is more hurtful, you know, like, to come back to you in this low point in his life, like, for him to, okay, he, I'm gonna read it before I get into it. But when he says he up, it says he realized he up by bringing up with me. And it's like, well, now you do, because your life is, is not where you want it to be. And you're looking to the, you know, the sweet and fun parts of your life, and you're wondering why you made a decision you did. And it's like, I, I, he made his decision on his own for whatever reason and whatever feeling in his stomach told him to make that decision. So now he's, I, he's connecting the dots, looking backward. He realized how he had fucked up by breaking up with me. In the last and the last year of the marriage has been the most miserable of his life. He made a mistake and married the wrong person. He realized on trips with her, including his honeymoon, that having a partner is about having a best friend to experience life with. And that was how our relationship was. Well, again, revisionist history from his end, your relationship was all, you know, gumdrops and fairy tales because you never really got to the point of negotiation. It was just two people having fun. I think that's like a, the difference between, like, dating and a relationship is like, you know, you guys never did the hard part. So he doesn't know. Maybe. And maybe you guys would be good at that. Maybe. But he, for him to say look back and go, oh, we had so much fun together. Yeah, that's because you didn't plan a wedding together. You didn't go on a honeymoon together. You didn't, you know, bring your families together. You didn't talk about having babies. You didn't talk about. All you did was have some dates over the course of a year where you lived in la la land. So I, I again, you're dealing with someone who, like this email, is dealing in revisionist history. I do believe that eventually I asked him why he broke up with me back then and he admitted that it was because of our differing political views. I don't buy that. And someone getting into his ear about how it would never work with us. I don't buy that. Because you can go to her. I don't, I just don't buy that. I am sorry. And listen, you could, that is, it was our different political views after coming to you as a grown adult who loves you and having this discussion of like, how are we going to go forward with these differing political views? To me, I look at that and I go, no, he was in an immature place in his life, didn't see you as a partner, saw you as someone he was dating and felt that he could go out into the great wide world and find someone, you know, knew when he was ready. But he realizes now it no longer matters to him. And I was the best relationship he ever had. Overall, I might be too hurt and it might be too late. Nothing he says or does can really erase the hurt and pain he caused me when we broke up. To throw me away like a piece of trash, only to come back after all these years. It's been tough to navigate, but maybe the divorce is karma. I mean, again, you can look at it that way and I wouldn't blame you for doing that, like, you got yours. But like, I guess I look at the breakup differently and I, I hope this doesn't, I hope that me looking at your breakup differently doesn't. All two things can be true. I look at your breakup differently, but that doesn't mean I think you should go back to him. I don't think that makes him a better, A better, a better buy. But I do think when you say it's karma for breaking up with me, is it karma for, like, him trying to get to the best place for him and he didn't see this relationship as, at that point in time as the one that was going to make him the best person he could be or the best in the best future he could be in? I now you could look at that and go, why wouldn't the best future be with me? I Don't think it's that as personal as you're taking it, that's my belief. I don't think when someone breaks up with someone and you know, I don't think and, and I'm speaking for myself. Whenever I've broken up with someone that I was in a good place with, having fun with, it wasn't like, well, I could do better than this chick. That wasn't the breakup reason ever. That wasn't the thought in my brain. It was a personal, okay, am I ready? Am I ready for the next phase of life? And I do think, and I'm sorry to say this, I do think a lot of men think that way. That life, this life has ended. The next life will begin with this turn of the, of the dial into we're moving in, we're getting married, we're having kids. I now become a relevant dad. You know, the dad that gets yelled at and the dad that has no opinion. And again, those are tropes. But that is the emotional state I think of a lot of these men who go, hey, we're a year in. Do I click into serious? Do I click into partnership? Life change where. And again where I am fully. And again, I'm speaking for myself. I, I'm being vulnerable in the way maybe he doesn't know how in the way I didn't know how. Or maybe that may, I mean, maybe I'll this up. I don't know how to do it now. But I'm saying when you enter into a serious relationship, the difference from dating and having fun and the serious relationship is now you can up. Your ups are their fuck ups and you are, you know, you go from like what could be to what is, you know, in the dating mode. Oh, you know, maybe, you know, you can. I, I'm trying to put words to this in a way that I haven't really thought of, but I. You're. Now it goes from the, the prospects, it goes from, you know, that you, you know that you could this dreamland to reality. So I do think so like to go back to your email. But maybe his divorce is karma. I don't think people and I don't think you think that way. I think you're hurt and you're taking the breakup in a personal way that I don't think was his intention. And again, that's why he's coming back to you. If he, if he really thought, I don't think he comes back to you if his reason for breaking up with you is I could do Better than this chick. Like, I don't think people are that mean or I think he would be embarrassed to come back to you at that point. I think he comes back to you because it wasn't personal to him when he or to you when you broke up with you. It was a him issue. It was a I'm not ready. It's a, I'm not negotiating with this person because I don't want them to tell me seven different reasons that I'm wrong. Because I know I might be wrong, but I'm leaving something because I'm not ready for that next phase of life. So, okay, so they write in the email. During the Let Them episode, you revealed that ultimately what is deterring you from taking the next step in a relationship and eventually marriage, you are scared to marry the wrong person. Okay, I guess I did say that like my ex claims to have. I mean, I just spoke to you from a personal point of view to give you a more empathetic version of him. And I did say two things could be true. I know. I kind of feel where this is going. So I guess the story won't help you and rather rationalizes your fear. But the one thing he told me was that he felt pressure, pressured and rushed into and in hindsight should have lived together longer and had a longer engagement. So I guess the story won't let me reread that. During the Let Them episode, you revealed that ultimately what is deterring you from taking the next step in the relationship and eventually marriage is you are scared to marry the wrong person. So I guess that goes into what I just said. The idea of turning that dial from going from this is all fun and games to actual serious a literally a different lifestyle like my ex claims to have. So I guess this story won't help you and rather rationalizes your fear. Oh, I guess him marrying the other woman and then it being the wrong decision makes my fear correct. Yeah, I guess. I guess I didn't look at it that way. But the one thing he told me was that he felt pressured and rushed into and in hindsight should have lived longer and had a longer engagement. She turned into a different person, quote unquote, after they got married and he should have invested more time, I guess. Advice for the future. Anyways, keep. So what is the question? I was just to give me advice, I guess. Advice for the future. Anyways, keep doing all the great work that you do. Stand up in the pods and let me know if you want to get to drink martinis next time you're in la. Sincerely, a Shiksa Goddess Betcha. Well, I guess. I don't know. I've given. I've given my thoughts on your email. So I guess that's my. My opinion, if you're not asking for it. But that's what I thought there would be a question at the end. But this is more to let me know that, you know, to invest more time. I don't know. I would say. I would say, you know, I think to me, his story and him coming back to you, to me reveals his honesty of. Like, I do really do believe that he wouldn't come back to you if it was his personal. If the breakup was as personal as you took it. Now, I'm not here to tell you how to take it. You know, I'm not here to tell you how to feel. I think your feelings are valid. Your anger's valid. You know, how could you not negotiate with me? You toss me away like a piece of trash. Is your words. That's what you wrote. But I. I don't think he saw it that way. And I think that this. I would hope for you that him coming back to you kind of shows you that. That it wasn't. And. But also that's not to say to get back with him. I heard to like, you know, I think he's doing the revisionist history that was done in this email. So, yeah, I. I don't know. I think I. To me, to me, his story of, like, ending things with you and getting into a marriage with someone that he now regrets. To me, if I'm to take anything away from it, it's to include the people you're dating in the conversations you're having in your head. Like, that's what I would. That's the advice I'd give to myself. Like, if you're dating someone and you feel enough for them to be with them and see if this thing could be the next step, then have those conversations that reveal, you know, you know, have those negotiations that might help you in the next step. Like, I think he did with her what he did with you. I don't think he. The next woman he dated, he was this different person who all of a sudden was like, hey, I have a problem with something. We need to talk about this. I don't think he did that. I think he just guessed in the same way he guessed with you and ending it. I think he. It was like a 50, 50 shot. Okay, I guess the timing's right. I'll just enter into this and he made that decision on his own without negotiations. I think that's like the takeaway. So it is important that you mentioned that it's the next woman he dated because I don't think he like all of a sudden was like having these thorough talks with his partner as a partnership. I think he was acting alone in both scenarios. And acting alone got him to where he is now because he never even knew that person that he's getting a divorce from. Probably in the same way you guys didn't know each other enough. Jtrain podcastmail.com, jtrain podcastmail.com we have one sponsor this week. Nutrafol. 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So Nashville, I'm doing a week of like smaller shows to work on material. Rochester, I'm coming. We're going to get that garbage plate. Let's go. So jared free.com hi. Love your podcast. Need some advice? Please. Sorry, this is a. This is so long backstory. I, 29, have been dating my boyfriend 31 for almost two years and have been best friends for a couple years. Before that he was pretty much pursuing me the whole time we were friends. He is a wonderful person. Definitely the one I should that the one I would love to spend the rest of my life with. I really love him and he and have ev. And have never met a better guy. He is from outside the continental US and some of his family is from there and some is across the country from our state. I've been feeling weird about why he has never talked to me about meeting his family or never really talks about our future. It just could. It could just be the distance. But he has never shown excitement on me meeting his family or visiting where he grew up. Okay, so from outside the continental US Family across the country. Listen, after that paragraph, the only weird thing is not talking about them, not meeting them. I could understand, hey, they're across the country. But like, how does he feel about them? What's his relationship like with them? You've been together for two years. Like if all you know is that they live other places, like, that's a little weird to me. I would like to take the next step, like living together, getting engaged. We had not really discussed this and it had been on my mind. It came to a head when we were at a party and his asked if my boyfriend would be buying a house here. He said he doesn't think so, but I should totally buy a house. But I should totally buy a house here. But he would not since he was not planning on staying here for the rest of his life. Okay, here's what I'll say. You're 29. You're an adult woman. He's 31. He's an adult man to me. And you've been together almost two years and best friends for a couple years before that. The fact that this is that it doesn't come up of whether he would live or his thoughts on living in your area had never come up until this party where someone at the party if asked a simple question, then I have to believe you're not really talking that much that there are things being avoided on both ends. I'm not, I'm not blaming you. I'm saying. He is obviously not bringing this up, but like, one friend at a party is like, hey, were you. Would you ever, you know, buy a house here? Oh, no. No way. And that's the first time you're hearing it, but she should. I don't, I don't. I don't get that. He had kind of alluded this to this before. Okay. But I didn't bring it up since I feel like I overthink things. No, you don't. I. I think. Listen, if you feel it in your tummy, that's not that. That's all that matters. You. I. And I know this is. I'm. Look, you know, now I overthink. I don't want to like, shoulda, coulda, woulda. Yeah, I don't want to shoulda, coulda, woulda ya. Because I don't think that's helpful. But I'm. I'm saying to you, you don't overthink things. Hey, it's weird that you have never mentioned where you see yourself living in the future. It is weird that you. I feel weird that you have never said. That's. That's an okay thing to say to a partner. I feel weird that you have never said where you'd like to live in the future. I feel weird that we have never discussed what we are doing here. He kind of alluded to this. I feel weird that you alluded to not wanting to live here. Can we expand on that? That is. Oh, I don't think that's overthinking. After the party, asked why he wanted me to buy a house here if he was moving. I think you're afraid of losing him. I mean, I. And I can only speak to you. I could speak to him and I would say things to him. And I hope this doesn't sound hard on you, but you get after the party when someone. When he says she should move here. But I'm not going to be here full time. Hey, why do you want me to buy a house if you're moving? He's not moving anywhere. What the fuck was that? Is it would be my question. Your friend asked if you're living here, and I'm just finding out now that you don't want to live here. Am I included in this dream scenario where you move to another place because I'm including you in my dreams? He said he did not mean it like that. And again, you're going to get the elusive. If you give elusive, they give you elusive back. This is why if you're direct with how you feel, you will always win. And I'm saying this because I am giving you the tools to beat me. I. If someone said to me, you're not. Are you moving? And I'm not moving, I would go, oh, no, I didn't mean it that way. It's easy to get out of. It's not easy to get out of. Hey, when I think about my future, you're included in that. Do you think the same way that's hard to get away from? He said he didn't mean it like that and he just did not want to stay in this town forever. He's vague. This obviously still upset me. Yeah, I agree with you. But he assured me that he does see a future with me. Okay, well, what's that? I would say paint the picture. I'll paint you my picture. You paint your picture. Hey, we could even, I think, even like a fun exercise. I'm going to go into the corner. I'm going to. Here's a pen and paper. I got a pen and paper. I'm going to write down five years from now, my dream scenario. 10 years from now, my dream scenario. 30 years from now, my dream scenario. Will you do the same? And then let's come back and let's read ours to each other. To me, that's, like, the drill. To me, that again, I'm giving, like, I'm giving advice that I know is tough to take. Like, if I was in a relationship and said, this is Owen, I'd be like, okay, I got my pen and paper. Let's do this. You know, it'd be hard to do. I have brought up our future talks. This obviously still upset me, but he assured me that he does. He does see a future with me. I have brought up our future talks a couple more times, and we never have really made a decision. Besides, we love each other and want to stay together. Yeah. Because it's hard with the future stuff. It's hard because there's no decision to be made. Stay together as a band aid on a flesh wound. To me, we love each other. We want to stay together as a band aid. That's not. That's not a discussion. That's not a difficult discussion. That's. That's saying, let's talk about it another time. I'm also meeting some of his family soon, finally. But that only came up after one of our relationship talks that I initiated. But it is for a Friend's wedding. So nothing. He initiated. I. Yeah, He's. He's taking things as they come. My family lives here, and we have great jobs, but I would consider moving with him if he showed some commitment to me. FYI, he does not want to move where most of his family is either, so I don't know where he wants to move. You. You got to talk with him. You're saying things to me that you should be saying to him. All of these things are valid. And if. And if that's what you wrote into here, I'm happy to tell you that your feelings are valid. You're 29. He's 31. You want the next phase of life. And I think, you know, my advice to you instead of. And again, I'm not trying to shoulda, coulda, woulda. You. I'm preparing you for the next conversation instead of, like, you know, you. You want me to buy a house and you're moving. No, no, no. I feel blank. I feel annoyed that you're holding me back from meeting your family, which also feels like that is a way of holding us back from getting more serious. I feel, like, upset that we have not discussed when we're going to move in. You know, these things, I think you got to stick to. I own the feeling. Own what you want. And again, here's the hardest part. You can't ask someone to be more specific than you can be. That is my. If you can't paint a picture of five years from now, 10 years from now, 30 years from now, I'm not saying it has to be correct. I'm not saying it has to be so exact. But if you can't say out loud what you specifically want, and your goal is for them to tell you what they specifically want so that you'll be more excited about what they painted for you, I think that's unfair. So this is a conversation to have with yourself, and then it's a conversation to have with him because everything you're saying is valid. He keeps apologizing for me having to bring up relationship conversations, but he still has never initiated a conversation. Initiating the conversation isn't as important as getting specific about what you want. I know. And right now you're playing. Right now you're playing detective. You're keeping score. I've brought it up three times. He brought it up zero times. So that must mean blank. No, no, no. That. I think that is a really good way to get yourself to heartbreak. He says his flaws, that he always thinks there will be time later. For everything he's saying nothing. He says he wants to. He was waiting to bring up our future when he decided. Exactly. Wants to do with his life. See, that's such a mountain he's building. And listen, I'm guilty of that. If I can speak for him. What he doesn't realize is, like, what I want with my life is not what you're asking for. You're asking for five minutes from now. You're asking for ten minutes from now. You're asking for one year from now. I can tell you with my business, with. With comedy, I can give you the next year of my life. And it's because I've thought about it, I care about it, and it's based on goals and hopes and wishes. You know, I talked about my shows and how I'm not going to do as many shows. Okay. My plan right now is to edit the special and get the book done, because the book is due, is going to come out in June 2026. Okay. My plan for the summer, Edinburgh in August to maybe do a month of shows, getting my hour ready to do a theater tour in the fall. Hopefully when that theater tour is happening, the special is out and it's helping sell tickets for that theater tour. Then in the spring, the book is coming out. I'm going to do a book tour with the book. Now that's a year out. Was that specific? More specific? It was specific. Was it? Could those things change? Of course they can. Could the special, you know, not come out? Could it? Could it not get sold? Yeah, those. And then I will do things as they come. I will cross that bridge when it comes. But I do have a plan. I do have goals. I do have dreams. I think for you, if you looked out a year of your life, of your relationship, how do you see it? What are your goals and dreams? I think if you can spell those out for yourself, it is within your rights to ask him to act, to give what he thinks, too. That piece of paper thing I said before, it ain't so crazy. I think we love each other. You got to speak for yourself. I think we love each other. I don't know if that's the way to go. That is the only thing we. That is the only thing we need to be sure of now. I don't agree with that. And you keep speaking and we. He's acting in I and you're acting in we. I think you got to be a little bit more I. Life doesn't always go as planned. And we can make a general outline and go from there and decide together on that yet again. This. I just told you the general outline. I didn't even read that before I said that. You're right. You needed but you need to speak right now. You are in this we thing and it's like, no, no, no. You're an I and you're trying to make it a we. He isn't really trying to make it a we if he's not going to explain what his I is. I hope that makes sense. It makes a lot of sense to me. So I think I. If you just spell out your next year and the way I just spelled out my next year for business. I just feel bad that I am the driver of the relationship and would like more from him. But I'm not sure if that's just my anxiety. No, no, no, no. Because you keep talking in we and he is talking in I and that's why you're feeling let down. You're speaking two different languages. My mom says that is just how men are are now. Lol. I. No, I think that's how people are. Can you give advice from a man's perspective? I think I just did. When I, when can I text him? When can I say to to him next conversation. What can I say to him next conversation. I would speak more for yourself and less for both of you. Despite me being a reserve shy person, I, I feel like I'm a go getter and very driven. He is just okay sitting back and waiting for everything to happen and be perfect instead of actually just doing something. Are we just too different or am I overthinking? You're not overthinking. Sincerely overthinker. You're not overthinking you feel how you feel. You have a right to those feelings. I think you need to, and I've already said this, but I think you need to, you need to get specific about what you want. Stop saying we. It is I and you have to be. You have to. And this is the hardest part. Telling him what you want. I, I, I telling him how you feel. I feel this. I feel that I feel this. I plan on being here at this time. I plan on being with you, living together at this year. You need to get your vision straight. Put that down on paper, put it in front of him and then go. Okay, match. Let me hear some of your I statements. Answer the same questions I just answered. And if he can't do that, that means he's not thinking of it. That means he's not thinking of you two. It's not how many times he comes to you with that conversation. Is he having the conversation at all with himself? So I think that's my point of view. I hope that helps. I hope you don't. This is. And again, this is difficult in the same way. It's difficult, you know, you heard the last email, you know, the last person is telling me, you know, about, you know, the guy to, like, say, you know, like, listen, this is all hard. So mailbag Monday, back next week, boom.