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The JTrain Podcast
My ex husband is dating someone 14 years younger than me! - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Raleigh. That's right, Every Monday is a mailbag Monday. You the listeners, sending an email. Me the podcast or comedian, give you some advice. That's the show. And the only way the show goes, the only way the show works is if. If you send me an email. So I need your emails, need your. Whatever you're going through, send it in J Train podcast@gmail.com. that's J Train podcast@gmail.com. you can also send to our Instagram account at J Train Podcast. Friend issues, lifestyle, relationships, all that stuff. Anything you're going through, send it in anonymous. I don't give away names. I have three emails in front of me today. They are thorough. They are wonderful. There's screenshots. We love a screenshot. I have two sponsors. So the way this episode is going to go, email, sponsor, email sponsor, email. That's our show. I'm in Raleigh. I opened for Jon Stewart last night. What a blast. What a guy. Great guy. Awesome. Easy to hang with his act, hilarious. Really funny. A great hour. I went up to 20. I'll get into more of that where I do on Coffee with J Train, which is on Patreon. So five bucks a month. I do my diary every week. I go through the week that was and tell some stories. This is my plug for Patreon. Patreon.com Jared Freedom. You get the extra podcast plus first dibs on ticked off Tuesday where I complain with you. So those are the announcements. Email the show. We need more emails. Come to my show. I would love. I got. I got shows. We are on the road after this Jon Stewart weekend. I go to Richmond today. I'm going to get in the car. Um, I'm at a Sheridan. They have this great desk table here at the Sheridan. I don't know if you've ever seen this. It's in the middle of it. It is not a desk or table you would have in your home. It is not it. You'd go, what's wrong with you? If you have. If. If someone. If you have this in your home, you wonder what's wrong with this person. It has four or five like plugs in the middle. It is a hotel. It is the desk you want in your hotel room. In the middle, it's a circular table. And in the Middle. It has like four outlets, you know, you know, with the usb, the different types of usb, ucb, usb, I don't know whatever it's called. And then it's got the regular outlets and then there's a button that raises and lowers the table. So I'm taping because we make clips from these episodes and I want you to go check out the clips on AT J Train podcast. Give it a like, make a comment. That's very helpful for this show. So when we make clips I'm like, I'm always looking to set up a camera studio. Really made it easy on me. But I do have shows. If you're listening right now. I mean I have gone, I'm going heavy, I'm going heavy on this, this, this road schedule. San Jose, California. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Huntsville, Alabama. Manchester, Connecticut. London, England. Stanford, Connecticut. Bloomington, Illinois. Indiana, I always want to say Illinois. Gray, California. Spokane, Washington. Denver, Colorado. Kansas City, Missouri. Richmond, Virginia. If you are in those areas, come assemble the group chat. I have a new hour. I'm doing new material from the Family Business tour. That material has been taped, it is being edited. It hopefully will get sold to somewhere to be streamed by the time that comes out. I should have a fresh and funky. I don't know why I went to Fresh and Funky. That's fun. I'll have a fresh hour to do on the road but for now it's a work in progress. It's fun though. I'm talking about going abroad alone. It's a lot about being single and 40. That sounds a lot like 37 and single. It's not like that. I think it's better. So this is a real bad sell. Someone told me they, they, they thought a good name for the tour was Table for One Tour, which I like. But there's that whole relatability thing. Like does a couple with kids get a sitter for the Table for One tour? I don't know. Or you know, do your parents want to come? Because I don't do, I'm not looking to do comedy for one type of. I want to, I want to grow the audience and I do think it's a relatable thing. I don't know. I was watching Jon Stewart, you know, I'm watching his act. He's there with his son at the show and I'm like what a beautiful thing. Like I was envious. I, I, I looked up to it. I, you know, having you know, your family there and, and in this a full on career, a full person. I felt like sometimes I Feel like half a person just doing this kind of like. Or I'm in repeats like I, I. And even the audience, the audience looked like John. Like they were older and, and again, people my age, but couples and you know, people. It was date night. I said, who's on date night? Half the crowd, you know, whatever. So I'll get into more of this on Patreon. Coffee with J Train. Keep signing up. Patreon.com Jared Freed let's get into the mailbag. Great questions in front of me. We're here on a Saturday morning. Raleigh. Raleigh. I've always been a fan of Raleigh. Always liked it. Suburban city to me, lot of green. I'm in downtown Raleigh. I've been to like the, the downtown Raleigh in like the area that I've stayed in. Otherwise that was like not the downtown. They look like two different cities to me but like I've stayed in both. So I'm like always. Okay, I, I, I, I. This is coffee with J Train fodder. So maybe you're not here for that. All right, let's get to the first email. Jared, the softest of feathers on your nuts. Thank you. My ex husband, 33 and I, 37, split late 2023 after six years of marriage and eight years of being together. Okay, so you're 33, he's 37, you split in 20, 23. Six years of marriage, eight years of being together. Got it. The split was amicable and we just could not make it work. Despite trying for years, I still love him as a person and plan to always have him as someone in my life. As we went through so much together, I found out two weeks ago that he is now dating a roughly 23 to 25 year old beautiful blonde from the Czech Republic. She has a super curated Instagram and is young and gorgeous. Although I do not want to get back together with my ex husband. This made me insanely jealous. Not to mention that she's at least 12, if not 15 years younger than me. Aside from the jealousy, I cannot. But aside from the jealousy, I can't help feeling like a disgusting old hag as the 37 year old ex wife. Well, I, I get it. Okay, you're speaking about yourself. I, I would say you're, you're in, you're in dramatic land. You're, you're, you're on stage, you're, you're, this is the whiz, you know, this is, you know, this is wicked, you know. Stop it. I can't help but feel like a disgusting old hag. 37, single, nothing, not a man. I've always taken good care of myself and think that I look pretty darn good for someone in their late 30s. This is what happens. Life is gravity. You go into like, I'm the disgusting old hag, but I look pretty darn good for 30s. You know, it's like, how about, you're doing okay. You're probably, you probably look age appropriate. You're probably, you're probably beautiful. I just, I, I think when we get into this, if what goes up must come down when you speak extremely, you have to like back it up. So I, you don't need to do this is my point. But, but now I'm stalking her Instagram and comparing myself to someone in their early to mid tw twenties. Here's my Instagram if you need proof that I am not in fact an old hag. And then she gives her Instagram, let's look up this old hag. I, I'm going to go to her Instagram just because, listen, if you say, here's my Instagram, I'm gonna look, I'm gonna see. But the idea that like, in what world would I go to someone's Instagram and go, oh, old hag 37, not for me. Okay, let's go, Let me put this in. Okay. She's beautiful. I'm looking at her right now. She's very pretty here. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You don't need the, what validation from me. I, I, it's going to go into my advice because I think your perspective is off. The idea that your husband or your ex, the idea that your ex husband was like, ugh, got to get away from all these old 37 year olds and find me a young doe out on The Wild, a 23 year old Czech Republic. It's all bullshit. It's all your own stuff. This is the hand points three point back at you. Okay, so when you say something like this, this is how you talk about other people. And I'm not saying that you're a mean person or a bad person, but like when, and, and again, this is what everyone does. I don't want this to sound accusatory because sometimes this, you know, you see the idea that like, oh, is that how you talk about people? Yes, it's how we all talk about people. We're all looking, we're, we're all judging. I think a big part of this is you were 37 and he was 33 when you broke up. And I'm Sure. Based on the way you're talking to me, a big joke, quote unquote, was like, you were the old, you know, he was with an older woman and he was with someone. I'm sure you guys talked about your age difference. That was a big topic of how, oh, look at me, the cougar with my young guy. And it's like, you're the only one who does that. None of us are doing that. Oh, you're 37. You're 33. Nice, good. Good for you. And then you go on into your whole self conscious joke bit. Well, yeah, no, I've always wanted a younger guy. And like, no one cares. You like each other. That's it. It worked. You know, you should be so lucky. And then you broke up and it didn't work, and that's okay. But now it seems as though you might be looking through the lens of age and older, younger, you know, older being worse, younger being better. But I'm older, but I'm not that old. Hag. That you're thinking of. What do you think I think of when I hear 37? I think of my age range. I don't think of, oh, my God, you know, if I was 22. Whoa, 37, that'd be wild. I'm 40. You emailed a 40 year old. So you're speaking to me as if I look. And, and, and I think this is what we do. We speak to people or we assume people. And we do this even more, I think, in this day and age where the Internet gives us a front row seat for the most horrific people. So we imagine that everyone speaks like the horrifics in the comments section. And it's, and I get it because sometimes I get too far down this line of like, commenters. But we've assumed that the commenters are real life. They're not. They, they have Internet muscles. So it's like if you posted a picture and someone, ooh, 37, that's old. It's like, no, no, that's not how regular people talk or think or put themselves out there. You know the idea. I really do think, because right now, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're punching back at someone who doesn't exist in the regular general population. The, the regular normals that are out there. 37, you look great. I'm looking at your Instagram. You're, you're beautiful. But the assumption that. Here's the thing, I wasn't, it's not like I wasn't gonna go to your account and go what? 37. Look how old. There wasn't a chance. Aside from jealousy, I can't help but feel help feeling like a disgusting old hag. As the 37 year old ex wife, I've always taken good care of myself and think I look pretty darn good for someone in their late 30s. But now I'm stalking her Instagram and comparing myself to someone in their late early to mid-20s. Here's my Instagram. We did it. I'm a successful manager of a prestigious theater theater in New York City, have a great salary, live in a beautiful studio apartment with a view. My life is great. So why do I feel like I'm going to die alone and turn into a cat lady? My other concern is getting back into the dating world. I have been single by choice since our split, but now I'm afraid of going on the apps and having men that are in my age range who are looking for someone 10 plus years younger than me. I would love a man's perspective on this and any advice on how to find the confidence to date again. Signed a new member of the first Wives club so I appreciate this email. I don't know they write I would love a man's perspective on this and any advice on how to find the confidence to date again. I'm going to take a weird trip towards positivity so give me a second here and it might depress you what I'm going to say but your 33 year old ex husband who is now married or your 33 year old ex husband who is now dating a 25 year old blonde isn't dating her because she's a 25 year old blonde. He's dating her because it was simple, easy and he thought she was hot. That's it. And it's the same reason he dated you. It's not that deep for a lot of men and I think what a lot of women get depressed by and I'm giving I might be giving you a new way to be depressed. I'm just saying this isn't like great that I'm what I'm going to say but it is the truth that the reason the guy is with you is the reason the guy is with someone else is the reason with the guy. Any man with a woman, and this is truly a belief I have was because he went hot, hot wanna fuck sexy fat ass titties. It wasn't. Oh lookit, she checks all these boxes and is she 25? Oh my God. And blonde. Oh my God. And so she's young and fertile. She's not like that old hag of a 37 year old I just left, is she? It's not that deep. So again, why is this depressing? Because he got with you for not depthy reasons as well. He got with you for hot, fat ass sexy. It wasn't, oh my God. That came later. And I think, you know, a lot of you know, why do you know again it's men don't go on dates with women they're not attracted to. That's just the plain and simple. A lot of women that write into me, I'm only saying this because of what I've been told and the emails I get. Well, he checked a lot of boxes and seemed like a great guy and had a great job. So I went on the first date and I really wasn't into it. But then after three or four dates I was really more attracted to him and that's when I really fell in love. And then all of a sudden he's breaking up with me and I didn't even like him in the first place. See how that goes? So this is a little bit think like a man where it's like, I know you're looking to get back into dating and there is going to be someone on these apps where they're going to go hot, look at titties, she's hot. And then they're going to get to know you. And that's why people stay together. They get to know you, oh my God, she's cool, she's fun, she's easy. So that's to go back to his 23 to 25 year old girlfriend. Why is he with a younger woman? I don't think he was on the. Again, this is a very empathetic view to men because it's how I think. I don't go out looking for 25 year olds. If I was to talk to a 25 year old at a bar at one point I would probably think that they were, I would talk to them because I would be attracted. But then I would go, I would say nine times out of ten I go, yeah, they just seemed immature. It just didn't, it was too young, the conversation wasn't there, there. So I'm talking because hot. I'm, I'm not, you know, pursuing because do I want to deal with that mentally? Do you see what I mean? But, and then you go, well, why do men go for younger women? A lot of times the younger women. And again, I'm sure this is true. For your ex husband, this is way more convenient. There's not a lot of, what's the next step? What's going on next? You know, when you date someone 37, you do have to have a conversation somewhat early. What's the deal here? When am I going to be fucking you over if we're doing this dating thing with nothing going on? My conversations with people around my age are way more open and clear and honest than someone who's 29. At 29, because that stuff is left to. Okay, we'll see how this goes. We'll play it out 37, it's like, so what's going on here? Who'd you date? What are you looking for next? Are you, are you thinking of these things? Are you thinking of the next step? Of course, most people are. But is it the. Are you putting pressure on it? I think he went into a pressureless situation. This is why he's gone 23, 25. To say it is a comparison more than him going hot. It's not. That's why he was with you. So I don't know if that helps you get back out there. Just, I'm telling you, someone is going to have a man. If you're looking for men, a, a visceral reaction to you that is disgusting. But it will be the reason you guys end up together in the end. And you're going to go, oh, he's been. He's a saint who loves me and cares for me. No. It started@hot jtrain podcastmail.com, jtrainpodcastmail.com whatever's been making your hair decide to bail, no matter if it's hormone stress or your ex, Nutrafool is here to handle it. You may have heard of Nutrafol's hair growth supplements and wondered, do they actually work? It's a fair question. Many hair supplements over promise and under deliver. But Nutrafol is different. 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When you go to neutrophil.com/men and enter promo code Feather find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement brand@nutrafol.com men spelled n u t r a f o l.com men promo code feather that's neutrophil.com/men promo code feather so we got one more sponsor, two more emails. Please send your email j train podcast gmail.com also follow the Instagram account at J Train Podcast like you're going to see clips from the show. It's a good reminder that the show is there. Jared Patreon, subscriber and big fan. Thank you. I would like your advice on dating after breast cancer. Wow. Okay. Long story short, I was diagnosed at 36 years old. Treatment was really terrible, but it has been two years and I'm doing great now. I'm so happy to hear that. I'm so happy you're doing great now. I don't know the proper words to say, but I'm just happy for you that you're doing well. I have hair again and you can't tell from looking at me anymore that I had cancer. That is until I take my clothes off. I had to have a double mastectomy. I don't have real breasts, my nipples are gone and I have noticeable scars. I do have great implants now and my new cleavage looks fantastic. Good. Good for you. Next week I have my final reconstruction surgery to put the finishing touches on my new boobs. Then I'm ready to start dating again. After being flat chested and bald, it's so great to feel confident in my body again and I am excited to date. This is an amazing paragraph. I'm so happy you're feeling confident again. I'm happy you're excited to get back in the game. I hope my pep talk of men are out from the last email. I hope you're ready to have a man go hot and then try to, you know, have sex with you. I. I hope you're ready. I hope you're ready for the game and I. I'm just happy for you and I'm good, good, good, good. With that said, I don't know how to approach telling guys that I don't have nipples. I have scars and I have no feeling in my chest because I had breast cancer. I am ready for a serious relationship and I'm looking for a partner part of me wants to embrace my post cancer hoe phase just a little too. Could you give me advice? I love post cancer ho phase. That is submerged post cancer ho phase. Put it on a hat, wear it around. You'll get a couple questions. You'll get questions. But also you'll. If you put poke post cancer ho phase on your hat, you would be shocked at how many men would approach you and just be like, so pumped to know. Okay, ho phase. Okay, okay, get out of the way. I got a post cancer ho phase over here. Sounds like an order at a deli. I got a post cancer ho phase on rye. Did anyone order a post cancer hoe phase on rye? You got Swiss. You wanted Swiss on the post cancer ho phase. All right, let me go back. Okay, we'll go back. Yeah, keep. Keep your number. I. I'll remember you. With that said, I don't know how to approach telling guys that I don't have nipples. Okay, so you don't got nipples. Could you give me advice for how and when I should tell a guy I don't have nipples about my cancer experience? Also would love any general tips on how to get back out there after a long break. Have a fun dating summer. I love this email. I love that it's fun and flirty and it also deals with, like, a real world issue and an insecurity that is real and totally valid. Everything about this email and you're like, on the come up, you're. You're on the. And if. Maybe there's someone listening who's at the beginning of their, you know, cancer journey, maybe this is inspiring to them. Maybe there's someone in the middle of it that's listening. Look where you're gonna be. Look at. You're gonna be, you know, 36 and new titties and looking to get back on the apps. Like, this is great. Let me also tell you, I have. I've hooked up with a woman who had no nipples due to these types of things and didn't matter to me. It was, you know, and. And they. I think they had. I, I think there were tattoos, but I, whatever it was, didn't really. It wasn't like, I, you know, their shirt came off and I was like, whoa, what is this? You know, like, it wasn't like I didn't know what to do. It did come up beforehand. And, you know, you, to me, this is like anything as far as it could be that you went had breast cancer. It could be. It is you. You have to trust the person to give it to them. And, and again, there's a couple things here. There's. I, I don't want to scare you out of telling people because I, I don't think this will. But I just want to get ahead anyone you have to it. First of all, the person needs to deserve this information. Not everyone. You don't just go to a bar. Nice to meet you. Oh, thank you for the drink. I have no nipples. Like that's just, I don't think that's going to make you feel good. And again, this is going to take some trial and error. So when you feel the right time to tell someone in one circumstance, it might not be the same for the next circumstance because I, I have been on dates with women where they'll reveal something to me and in my mind, okay, wow, they must really like me to reveal that that's how I've taken it. And they must have trusted me in some way. Sometimes it can feel that they trusted me. You know, maybe they've gotten a little bit like doe eyed and excited about me and that kind of makes me push away because I'm like, maybe I, if I'm not into this in that same like head over heels way, it wouldn't be fair of me to keep going with them. So it is somewhat of a reveal when you give this information if you say to someone so. But I do think it can also feel like, oh, that's really nice that they shared that with me. And again, if you're in your hoe phase, I do think this can come up at any time. You. I'm not going to tell you what to do here. I can't. I can tell you that from my end. When I heard it, it was even as if it was on the way to going back to my place or their place. I have to let you know something like there might be something surprising. I had a double mastectomy. I had breast cancer and I have no nipples. And again, I don't. That, I don't. That would never turn me off. That would never like, oh my God. What? You know, I think sometimes we forget that we're dealing with normal everyday adults. You know, my dad used to always say this to me. You're not that smart. You're not that stupid. Right. I think most of us, again, we're on the center part of the bell curve. So the person who, you know, I think we have our like worst nightmare scenario is that you tell someone this very important thing to you and they react in the craziest of ways. No nipples. What am I gonna do? Right? That's like the nightmare way. That's the movie way. That's why badly written movies, that's a point where you go, no one would react like that. And if they did, you would walk away from them right away. I think that if you're hanging out with someone and feel so great about them that you're actually bec. Wet. That's. This is a gross way to put it. But if you're talking to someone and you're enjoying their company so much that you produce moisture from your pussy, then I would trust by the transit of property that they would be able to handle hearing that you went through this massive thing, this traumatic experience where now your body has changed forever. And they would be respectful of that. So that's me trying to say to you, let's follow the yellow brick road. If you're moist, they are probably going to react well to that information because I don't think you would be moist in the first place. And again, some of you have turned this off. You're like, he said the word moist seven times. I'm sorry, but I don't think you would be attracted to them in the first place if they were a person that would react badly to, hey, and just so you know, I actually went through breast cancer. And because of that, you know, I have no nipples. And like, I don't think they're gonna hear that and go, let's see these puppies. No nipples. I've never seen that before. Come on. They're not gonna, like, treat you like you're. You're in the circus. So. And again, this is so. I. I think it. There's a process to this. And. And I'm not going to tell you how to do it. I do think there is an order of operations. It starts with going out, having fun. Then it's meeting someone. It's deciding, am I attracted to this person? Then do they. Does this person I'm attracted to, is it someone that I would want to reveal that I've gone through this, you know, through breast cancer and radiation and lost my hair and got my confidence back and had to have a double mastectomy? That feels like heavy topics to reveal, especially when you're in your post cancer hoe phase, as you put it, but it'll be more natural than it seems from the outside. And then it goes into. And because of that, I actually don't have any nipples. And I think if you've gotten to that point where you trust someone enough to Maybe go home with them. They should be able to handle that. And it's maybe a good test because if they're like, no nipples, let me see, I'm going to hook up with an alien. Like, if they're like that, you're with the wrong person. Good to know they weren't going to be. What do you think? Do you think the person who can't handle you having no nipples is going to go down on you? Do you think that's going to happen? You think they're going to pleasure you? You think they have the awareness? You think they can sense the temperature in the room enough to know how to go down on you? If they can't handle understanding that you went through a traumatic thing with breast cancer and now don't have nipples. And those two people are not the same. You think you're getting your brains fucked out by the guy who can't handle you have no, you don't have nipples. It's a good test. J train podcast@gmail.com J Train podcast. I hope this helps. I think it does. I. I'm being honest. We got another sponsor. All the sponsors are in the description of this episode. I say that every week. Sometimes I get dms. Hey, what's the promo code? You can even go back to past episodes and find old sponsors and probably still use the promo codes. If you've ever wanted to eat bread without a 10 year nap afterwards, you gotta try hero bread. I love Herobred. It's delicious. It's better bread. That's. That's the whole premise. Do you want bread that's going to make you feel fuller, longer so that you don't eat like crazy? Get hero bread. I love it. I'm telling you, it's delicious. 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One more email and send your emails in J train podcast gmail.com. that's right. And thank you to everyone who came to the U UP Live. Great show. Fun people. Just wonderful. I just. I talked about it on Patreon last week. Last week's Patreon. If you're thinking of signing up, it is. I do talk about. I was posted. I talk about this. This is kind of like the theme of the week. I was posted in a. Are we dating the same guy? Facebook group. Me. So this wasn't. You know, it's funny. Sometimes I get posed with a hypothetical and I can't speak to it. Hey, I have breast. I had breast cancer. I have no nipples. Okay? I have hooked up with someone who had breast cancer and had no nipples. I can. I can speak to Me. Didn't think of it even once when it was presented me. I, you know, I wanted to make sure that they felt okay. I felt there was a little pressure added to. They felt comfortable enough to tell me. So I know that we were, like, more serious than we were 10 minutes before that, but it wasn't like I was like, what's going on with these titties? Holy shit. I gotta take a picture and show my friends. That's not how I reacted. That's not how most people will react. They're gonna be loving, they're gonna be caring, and they're gonna be good to you. But I was. I've. But again, I could speak from experience. I think, you know, there's way too many. There's all these. I see these dating tiktoks and these. And these clips from shows, and I'm like, who are you to even speak like this about other people's feelings? I can only speak for my own. So I've spoken about the. I always felt uncomfortable talking about the. Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups because you were taking something that people were saying was very serious. Protecting, you know, women and protecting them from abusers and then creating this strawman hypothetical of like, what about the man who gets posted in there and hasn't done anything and just gets shit on? And I don't like, you know, putting those side by side. Someone's real life lived in horrific trauma. Traumatic experience versus hypothetical, you know, person that I'm protecting. Well, we can do away with the hypothetical because now I'm the person that got, you know, is going to get shit talked. So go to patreon.com Jared Freed it's five bucks a month. There's so many. It's all personal stories. Okay, one last email. Jared, huge fan of the J Train. You up? I'm 32, single, recently out of an 11 month situationship with a very wealthy guy who lives in Tribeca. Oh, think Hamptons in the summer, NYC in the winter. Met the family and friends, the whole deal. Eventually he said he wasn't looking to take things the next level. So in true Shark Tank fashion, I said, I'm out. Finally. They write well, good for you. I'm happy you're out of the situationship. I mean, you've painted them in a way that I can tell was very difficult. You saw a lot of possibility, I'm sure. Okay, Hampton's in the summer, NYC in the winter. You met the family and friends, but why aren't we a real thing? And then they say they're out. And I'm sure that's difficult. Here's my dilemma. I live right on the beach and Long Beach, Long island, okay, that's like an hour from the city. If you lit. If you've listened to the U podcast. Long beach has come up from time to time because Jordana goes there a lot because her husband's family has a place there. It is a very specific area of New York. It's an hour away, but it could feel like it's 100 miles away, but it's not. But it's also this protected area. It's like a very kitschy beach town and it's kind of protected. It's a, it's like, it's a beach town that like cops, firefighters have beach houses. So it is, it's just different. It hasn't been taken over by like big business, huge mansions. It's like, it's very much a movie set to me and I've done shows there and it's been always been fun, but it's always just an interesting place. I live right on the beach in Long Island. Long beach, or I live on the beach in Long Beach. Like this person writing in lives on the beach, right? Like it's that an hour from New York City, you'd be like, how does that happen? It happens. But I have keys to my brother's place in Tribeca. So I'm in the city often. Weekends, nights out with friends, dates etc. I can crash whenever I need to. Is it a deal breaker for an NYC guy if I don't officially live in Manhattan? I feel like the commute from Long beach isn't that different from, say, someone dating across the city, like, Upper east side to Battery Park. It is different. I will tell you right now, that is not the same to me. Here's the thing. I. And I'm. And I'm speaking as, again, from experience, as the NYC guy who gets told by women, I'm in the city all the time, it's no problem. It's no problem. And I've never really been able to put language to it, but when you go on a date with someone, you don't want uneven sides. You don't want the inability to cancel. You don't want their situation being the reason that you kind of feel like you owe them. And again, you're sitting there being like, oh, me, I'm just taking an hour train. I don't want to go on a date with someone who has to take an hour train. I'm letting you know that right now you go, it's the same from Upper east side to Battery Park. No, it isn't. It just isn't. I'm not making some. Again, if I had it. I'm not making dates to cancel them, by the way. I am just saying it makes the date somewhat a burden that I'm responsible for. Because the one thing is, if I was going from NYC out to Long Beach, I could say, hey, I don't want to make the ride tonight. It's just not going to work for me. And I would be okay with that because I'm in the position of like, I have to make the ride. So now I'm not the dick. I have a good excuse. My excuse for canceling on the Long beach person is like, I don't want to make you come to me. Because then I would feel bad because I'm stuck in the night. I hope this makes sense again. You could hear this and be like, what a piece of shit. Okay, fine. I'm just telling you, this whole I'm in the city all the time thing drives me crazy because it just wipes away the other person's feelings of pressure. And pressure gets a bad rap. But it's like the other person on the other side is not. Is just brushed away with this. Oh, you're here all the time. And they're always like, oh, yeah, but I'm sleeping at my brother's place on the ottoman. It's totally fine. They. They give you this horrific scenario that I would never want to be in. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want my own clothing, my own soap, my own shampoo, my own shower, my own towels. I would only go somewhere else if I was adding an importance to this date that was beyond the importance that I would have near my house. I'm just saying. So again, I'm thinking of the. I'm living in the key of me. I'm saying for me. So anyone you date is going to hear anything you say that's not a big deal for you and think of it for them and go, you know, it's actually a big deal for me. If I, if I had to go an hour away and stay on a brother's place, you know, and sleep on the ottoman and all this stuff, all the stuff that you say doesn't matter to you, that isn't written to a contract, that you won't use it against them later. Because the minute you cancel on someone coming from Long beach or you say, hey, I'm not really into this anymore. Hey, I'm. I'm, you know, I don't want to date you long term. I came all the way from Long beach for you. And this is how you. Again, again, that is something, you know, on this side of things, on the New York City side of things that could be held against you. And no one's going to say, hey, what? No, no ref is going to come and blow a whistle. Not fair. You said it was okay. You said you were in the city all the time. No, no, no. That gets thrown out the window. So again, a lot of people, me, I'll speak for myself. I would get into protection mode. I don't want to have to owe anyone anything when I date them. So is it a deal breaker? No. If I met someone in a bar and had this really great interaction with them and then afterwards they're like, I actually live on Long Beach. That's a different story. On a dating app, you are given the menu of the person. So it's all up front. So would I say to you. And also, there's a le. There's levels to being up front. Cause you write, is it a deal breaker for NYC guy if I don't officially live in Manhattan? I feel like the commute from Long beach isn't that different from, say, someone dating across the city, like Upper east side to Battery Park. I can't tell you how much I disagree with that. It is different. Different train system also for my dating profile, should I put Tribeca or Long beach as my location? I'm mostly trying to meet City Gu. Here's where I'll give you one. If you put Tribeca so that you get in the parameters of city guys, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I do think you have to let them know before the date or within the conversation. Hey, also, it says Tribeca, but I live on Long Beach. My brother has a place in Tribeca. I just think what you're going to find out is there's going to be a reveal from the other side. They're going to go, oh, this is an easy breezy, beautiful cover girl. This isn't chill, low, low pressure. This isn't first drinks. Check out a vibe. This is first drinks. They traveled from an hour away on a different train system than the subway. Well, Long Beach, I think you can take the subway out there, but that is a long fucking subway ride. I'm just saying. You're just. You're not acknowledging the other side when you say it's the same as the Upper East. It's not. It is a whole different thing. And again, the other thing, you. I. I know why you want to date city guys. You want to date city guys because they might be a little bit more driven that they. They're not within your. The confines of Long beach, where you kind of know everybody. You might have gone to high school together. It gets you outside of your circle. I do understand. There's very good reasons. There is a little, you know, a hint of, like, you know, this from the city side of things. You go, like, are they, you know, is me being a city guy why they even want to be around me? Do I offer them a solution to their problem, which is a place to stay in the city? Look at the way you described your situationship. Very wealthy guy lives in Tribeca. Okay, you didn't say, like. You didn't say, like, what he does or who he is. You know, Hampton's in the summer and NYC in the winter. Met the family and friends, the whole deal. All I heard is I got some great stuff out of it. So again, that's another thing that. And then you write one more thing. I just redownloaded the apps, and it's been rough. The matches I'm getting lately are guys I'd act. I never actually go out with. Attaching a screenshot so you can see what I mean. And then she sends a screenshot of a guy that. Listen, would love your advice on how to not get Discouraged. And maybe some tips for an app makeover. Thanks for all that you do. I'm looking at the picture she sent of the guy and listen. You sent it to a safe space. You sound like an asshole. The guy is like, he seems. Listen, I'm only looking at one picture. It is like the. I'm not going to show it. I'm just saying this person to show this guy is the example of matches. You're not. That's not a match. Stop it. You're a dick. I'm saying that as a friend, okay? As a. You will like the podcast. You. She sends me a picture of this like classic nerd. And it's a guy who liked you that just all that should tell you didn't match with him. He sent you a like. Because everyone on dating apps is throwing shit against the wall, okay? Everyone's trying to just get themselves to somewhere. This a guy just like the guy in the beginning of the podcast. Hot. I want to fuck just like any other guy. The good looking guys, the. The nerdy looking guys every. And listen, this is someone's husband. One day I, I promise you this guy's going to be nice to someone. He's going to be someone's father. He's going to be a good guy. You are not. When you say I'm getting matches, I'm getting discouraged. You're discouraged because this guy wanted to fuck you. Just say no and move on. That's my, that's my advice. It just tells you, listen, you're going to get people that again. I'm sure. I like some girls on there and they go, oh, wow, look at the guys I'm dealing with. Thank God I don't have to hear it. My confidence would be ruined. So in the same way you're liking guys and they're going, oh, not for me. But then there's another guy who goes, that is for me. So there's butt for every seat, foot for every shoe. So I think you need to like, get over guys saying that they think you're hot because that's all he's saying. What they look like doesn't matter. It's not your problem. Jtrain podcast@gmail.com, back next week. Boom.