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It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. Is J Train Jared Freed coming you live from Delray Beach, Florida? That's right, every Monday is a mail bag Monday, where you the listene or email me the comedian with your questions. You can send anything you'd like. I've got questions in front of me. Send it to j train podcast gmail.com. we have two sponsors, three emails. We'll go email sponsor, email sponsor, email sponsor, email, sponsor, email. Let's start. Jared, longtime listener of the pod. I broke up with my ex at the end of September because I always had trust issues with him. And his lies continue to come to the surface of him doing sketchy things slash cheating. From my perspective, I. E Came to my place drunk and was on the phone with a girl and wouldn't tell me who it was and deleted their call log. Yeah, I. I don't know if you need him to confess to cheating. I think that goes under the category of my boyfriend made me feel emotionally unsafe. You can end it right there. No more explanation needed. He would do things that made me feel like garbage. And I don't want to share a life with someone. It does feel from this end, from a straight male end of the spectrum, that there are a lot of women who feel they need to have seven different reasons for ending things. You ended it. You didn't want to be with them. And I get it. That's a societal frappuccino that I don't have to drink, I don't have to go, well, you know, I was tossed aside for another woman, and I need a man to show that I'm valuable. Valuable. I got to the middle of that word. I was like, I'm not going to finish it. Well, my value was in the fact that I have a relationship. I don't deal with those things. But when I read it, I sometimes feel it helps to tell you, you don't need to give me. I had trust issues and cheating from my perspective. He was on the phone with another woman and it made me feel like shit. And then when I asked him questions about it, he got weird. That's why I ended it. I didn't need to go dig beneath the surface and get the full story at that point. It doesn't matter what the full story is. And I would say to you, you're right. Doesn't matter what the full story is. This is someone that was not going to make your good life even better. That's what we're aiming for. We want our good life to be better with someone than it would be without. This is not my. My sad life. If I don't have a partner, oh, my God, how will I go through the day? We're gonna be just fine. We're gonna go through the day just fine and dandy. We're gonna go to the market, we're gonna go to the bar, we're gonna hang out with friends. We're gonna meet our friends kids. And we're gonna go Gucci, Gucci, cool. And we're gonna feel pretty good about all the relationships we have in our life. And if we don't find a partner, if we do find someone, if we have to say, hey, who are you on the phone with? And then you go, just a friend, it's okay to end it. Because that's not making our life that's good already even better. That's kind of how if we don't look that way, then there's no other way to look at it. I'm sorry to yell at you. I'm like. I'm all like. I'm like. I don't mean. I'm not, like, enraged by this person. I'm enraged by what they feel like. They have to explain. Explain. To this day, I still don't know who he was talking to again. Does it matter? It's like, you know, this is like. You know, when you go to, like, it's like the strict but fair principle, hey, but. But this happened and that happened. Doesn't matter. You're in trouble. You did something wrong. In this case, it doesn't matter. They suck. Not for you. To this day, I still don't know who he was talking to, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back. He has texted me three times since our breakup. I've really been healing. And to stop my own patterns of falling for the charisma I have really been healing, they put in quotes and trying to stop my own patterns of falling for the charismatic men that in my experience have been liars or fuck boys. I'm going to eye roll that statement as well. It is. You've done a blanket statement to almost make yourself. It's like saying, I don't date guys with J names. I dated a Justin once and all J names are horrible. That makes you the bitter one. That makes you the dummy. Not the J names. That makes you sound like someone who doesn't have the wherewithal and the ability to suss out good from bad. That actually tells to me, if I was on a date with someone who said, I don't like charisma because that means they must be fuck boys, I would go, well, it seems like you are not an adult who can handle making a decision on your own. So you're blaming these other weird. You know, like these other blanket statements so that you don't have to make a mistake again. You're going to make a mistake again. You're going to meet someone charismatic. It doesn't mean that they're a fuck boy right away. That. That to me. You're smarter than that, Ms. Listener. You're smarter than that. Stop it. You went to college. You were able to graduate. You were able to find a job. You were able to get a home. You were able to do all these things. You can't suss out when someone makes you feel badly even though they're charismatic. Yes, you can. Can you please interpret his most recent text to me again? You're interpreting his text. He's done. It's a block. It's goodbye. You've made the decision. It's time to walk over the bridge. You're sitting on this side of the island. You need to go to that side. Can you please interpret as the most recent text to me. Not sure if he's trying to be, quote, deep and poetic or a dick by saying he's glad I'm not his last love and that gives him bliss or it's bliss being in love. Either way, I'm not responding. Would just love your take on this. Thanks for all you do. A recovering toxic man lover. So here's. Here's the DM he sent or the text he sent. So this is a text he sent and I. Can I listen? Let me just say it's not worth our time to. I mean, it's worth our time on a podcast to read this and to dissect it. It's not worth your time to even think about or have to and listen. Life is digestion. Let's remember that when you read something. So this is the reason. Why should you block an ex? Because you don't need to have an ex sneak up on you with a random text that makes you spend the day going, did I make a mistake? Were they the right one? Was I too harsh? Do I like being alone? Now? You have to digest that through your eyes. You have to put it in your tummy, and you got to shit it out your ass and it doesn't feel good. It's not worth your time. You've made the decision. At a certain point, you have to trust your past self. So let's read his text. I won't send you anything else. So he sends a Spotify song. I won't send you anything else. And it looks honestly the Spotify. Whatever the Spotify thing is, it looks like a nerd would send it. It's very Lord of the Rings. Even the COVID art. I don't. I'm not gonna read what it is. I don't know what it is. I'm not a big music person to know each like, you know, band or whatever. But I'm just saying if I saw this, I'd be like, why is a teenager who plays Dungeons and Dragons sending me a song? So that's what it looks like. I won't send you anything else. They say blank. You're the love of my life. I've said it to you so much because I truly meet it with you. I don't have an ego and I don't care how it looks. For me, texting you after you told me, it's best we ended things. We can fix anything and we always have if you want to. Everyone only gets so many true loves in their life. I'm glad you were my first and not my last. It's bliss. You need to not walk, not run. You need to sprint away from this person. First of all, considering your story, they're texting with other women. They're calling other women and deleting the call logs with you. I don't have an ego. Yes, they do. They've proven otherwise. They actually contradict themselves. They have an ego because they need it stroked by someone new because that feels a little different. Gives them the dopamine hit that you old maid that they've been with doesn't give them as much of anymore. And that's. That's not saying you're an old maid. That's not saying you're not, you know, you're old. You know, I'm not saying any. It is just. You're what they're used to. So it doesn't really give them that zets it used to give them. And now they go to someone new because they need their ego. You know, they need their ego massaged. So right away this person is lying to you. They're not saying, hey, I've made mistakes in the past. My ego was too big. It. And I hope I fix that. That's not someone who has even Looked inward. So now I'm, you know, maybe I'm looking at their text in a different way than you. You're wondering, are they still in love with me? I'm telling you, they don't have the capacity to know if they've lived and learned and if they've gotten better. They don't even know the mistakes they made with you. So, no, don't go back to them. No, don't answer this. And also block. It's time to block. It's time to. I would send my last text. I would text them, hey, we are over. Please stop texting me because I'm blocking you now. I don't want to hear from you. I'm moving on. I hope you do too. This whole thing about my love and you were one of my loves, it's all garbage, bullshit. They don't mean any of it. They're saying words that they think will get you to answer and sending a song that a teenager would send. Jtrain podcast gmail.com J train podcast gmail.com we are sponsor Lola Blankets. I. I have a Lola blanket. It's wonderful. It's awesome. Valentine's Day gifts should be meaningful, personal and romantic. Lola blankets. Check all the boxes. Lola is the number one blanket. I put it on me and that weighted feel, that is a. It's a substantial blanket with ultra soft luxury faux fur and signature four way stret. The Lola blankets are machine washable and put built to last for years. Ideal for romantic nights in. I love mine. My mom loves it. My mom's been asking about it all the time. This is one of those products that spans generations that's good for everybody. It also really is a high end product. I would say you're not skimping. Upgrade your home with Lola's weighted blankets and matching pillows and save when you bundle. For a limited time. J Train Fans can get 40, 40% off select Lola Blanket products with code J TR at checkout. Just head to L Blankets dot com. Use code J TRAIN after your purchase. They'll ask where you heard about them. Show support for the show and tell them J Train sent you. Wrap yourself in luxury with Lola blankets. Okay, let's do another one. Jared, I just came across this article in the New York Times Magazine titled I let my wife have an affair. Do I have to console her now that it's over? How do you let your wife have an affair? And now how do you consult? That's like one of those pieces that you'd be like, this is a strange thing. That happened to a couple that I would never associate with. Oh, look at this weirdo couple and living their life in a way. You know, to me, this is like. This is like Penthouse forums. This is like you're getting to see how it could work out if you went the next step. Like, I'm sure every married couple has thought, what if I had an affair? How would it play out? Now these people are letting you live that out through them. This person writes in saying the following. But all I could think of is, I need my favorite dating expert's take on this wild story. This seems like E and M ethical non monogamy, but not really. What's your take? Should he feel bad for his wife? I. I don't. So here's the article story. I've been married many years and still love my wife deeply. Over the past year, she had an affair with my knowledge, with my knowledge. Over the past year, she had an affair with my knowledge and consent, saying it gave her vitality and wasn't a threat to our marriage. I agreed in theory, but in reality, I suffered whenever she was with the other person. She recently ended the affair because it became too emotionally heavy for both of us. She's grieving the loss, while I feel relieved. Even though I believe the arrangement was ethically okay, it conflicted with something deeper in me that I couldn't change. My question is, should I feel sorry for my wife right now? I don't. I care about her and understand her pain, but I don't feel it's my role to console her over this particular loss. What do you think? Name withheld. I would say, here's the thing. It does sound like ethical non monogamy. It is. It sounds like. Here's. Here's the thing about anything in a relationship. You kind of have to, like, go through the thing to see how it feels. You don't know until you drink it. It seems like this couple had a discussion where they said, I think of other people. And he said, I don't, but I'm not going to stop you. And it becomes this thing of like, do you do it? Do you do it for. You know, and then they go do it and then they feel, oh, my God, I didn't realize that's how it would feel. And it doesn't feel great. You know, this happens in a breakup. People break up with people and then they feel what it's like to truly be alone and they feel what it's like to not text that person. And then they try to fill the Gap. They try to fill the hole. There's one less person to hug, text, and call on. So then they, you know, that's why a lot of people get back with an ex. They go, well, I want that hole filled. And sometimes they go back to an ex too soon because they're not trying to find out if that hole should be filled by someone different. They just want it filled completely. So to me, like, do I feel bad for the. I feel bad for everyone involved. I feel bad for a married couple that feels so stuck together that they're like, yeah, maybe. Or I feel bad for a married couple that feels kind of miserable and they're, like, trying to figure out how to make their life happier. And the only fix was like, maybe if you. Someone else will be good. Like, how about a vacation? How about, you know, like, how about therapy? How about. There's like. There's like 30 other things that you could do. And I think, you know, when this is the woman who goes and says, I need to, you know, fly my freak flag and do other things, it's all kind of weird. Like the idea that he even is asked to, like, help her through this loss. Like, the loss of what the other person that she wanted to have sex with. To me, she's realizing their problems are way more difficult to fix than just someone else. Her. Like, if that. That to me is the. The saddest part. Okay, now what? Now that you've blown the mailman, what do we do? And this guy's like, yeah, go ahead. I can separate sex from the relationship. I can do what I need to do. And it seems as though the person writing in has. It seems as though they're going. You know, they went, they did their thing, they came back to me. Now that that person's gone, I feel better, you know, they've chosen me in a way, but I probably. I bet you they. She feels upset about how she came to chose. Choose a partner. It feels like she kind of like he's the backup plan. You know, there's probably an element of, like, if we had worked out and fallen in love, then I could have left this guy and he would have understand because he was okay with how this started. I don't know. This is an interesting predicament. I don't understand the idea that, like, he should, like. I don't even know how he would console her through her loss. Hey, do you want me to, like, go by a different name while we fuck? Will that help you get over Jonathan a little bit quicker? You know, I don't know, but I think the way they're, like, the. The narrative they're using where I let my wife have this thing, it's like, I think they're avoiding the real issue, which is they're in their marriage, they are a little bit unhappy, and they're looking for ways to find happiness. And I don't know, maybe they'll never find happiness. Maybe this is as happy as they can be. That's even more depressing. Maybe just sitting on the couch together. This is what life is. And then having kids and watching them grow up and taking pride in what you guys built together. Maybe that's a slower dopamine drip than, hey, I'm gonna get off with the milkman, and maybe that will make us better. She probably was, like, kind of even. Maybe the. The fucked up part about this is she was probably, like, turned off that he didn't fight for her, you know, that even he's even more of a loser than she thought he was. Like, this goes in directions that could be, like, even sadder and more depressing. It's a very big can of worms. It's almost like you'd rather get divorced because, hey, we're unhappy, and this is kind of like, blah, and I'm looking for happiness. And then you get a divorce and you fuck someone else. You go, okay, well, I'll keep looking. Now at least there's like, you know, the problem with this is, like, the one the fucking wasn't with the solve. So now you got to come back to your mediocre life with your partner who you're like, I guess this is it. So, yeah, I don't know. That's me talking this out. I don't feel. I feel for everyone involved because there are two people going, did I go down a road in life that I can't walk back now? Because these are things you can figure out in your 20s. And now I'm in my 40s, and I guess we have to, like, live this out. And. And then they put in the paper for all their friends to read. Jtrain podcast gmail.com Jtrain podcast gmail.com Prize picks. Hey, we got the big game this weekend. I'm very excited. I love Super Bowl Sunday. I love the. You know, the fact that it is it. Like, this is just a big weekend for sports, and if you're sitting there like, hey, I want to take a game that didn't matter to me, and I want to make it matter. Prize picks is a great way to do it. You're in a bar of all these fans and you don't care. Well, now you can make the team yours. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. The big game is almost here. 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Prize picks it's right. Let's do one more. This is a thorough one. Jared longtime fan, Patreon listener. Loved your parents video on Patreon. So funny. I need help with with a text reply to a guy. Here's some context. I got you boo. A man I briefly dated reached out after a year of no contact. Says he now wants to date me. Seriously. He's a 36 year old doctor. I'm 30. Things originally ended because he wasn't making time for me. What confused me was that he was making time to see friends, play basketball, spend time with family. All things I completely understood. But he wasn't asking me out. I'd initiate a lot. We follow each other on Instagram so I'd see him doing all these activities, yet there was no follow through with me. He'd reach out at times, but when it came to actually hanging out, it rarely happened. It honestly felt like a situationship without the sex. We had sex twice over the three months we dated. Some cultural background, same hum. Same same cultural background, same humor and had mutual friends. Jared I was mentally prepared. I was mental. Same cultural background, same humor, had mutual friends. Jared I was mentally planning our family Thanksgiving. I would here's feedback to you. We've had sex Twice in three months. And I'm mentally planning our Thanksgiving. So like, let's, let's make sure we like, see kind of how we're landing here. Let's make sure that we give context to like, you know, you go, okay, I, I just, I, I think that needs to be noted. Like you again. I know why you do this. He checks a lot of boxes. He's a doctor. He's probably good looking. He's got a lot of things going on. He's got friends and he's playing basketball. These are all great things that you're like, I see it. I can fit right in to me when someone's like doing all that stuff and not having sex with you and, but like planning dates when you can. To me, that's someone who, like, starting a family, starting a life and doing those things are low on the list. And that can change after a year. You can look around yourself and go, whoa, I, I, I didn't even concentrate on the important things. That's how deep the delusion went. I'm happy you said you were delusional because it's a little delusional. It took me a solid six months to shake the future I had built in my head with this guy. Embarrassing, but it was real. Went no contact because why engage in his life remotely? I'm with you. Anyways, now he's hitting me up out of the blue, apologizing for how he acted and saying he's genuinely confused about how things didn't work out. I asked him point blank why he thought it ended. He said it was because I didn't believe he was actually busy. That's a problem. And that he shut down because this happened to him before. According to him, being a doctor made things harder than I realized and he wants to try. Well, that might be true as well. Part of my ego wants to reply and have him validate that, yes, it's his fault. That's not healthy either. Another part of me doesn't know how to even approach this conversation. And another part wonders if I'm overthinking, I should just let go and give him another chance. What should I text back? I'm torn. I'm not going to tell you to give another chance to someone who's not getting it. I don't like that he's like being a doctor's heart. The idea that he's blaming you for not making you a priority. He's basically saying your feelings don't matter. So this is a bad start for you two. Getting back Together if I were. You are curious because you do see a lot of good in him. You seem to like him. You had the same sense of humor. I get it. If I were to go back to someone, I would have to understand that my priorities have changed or that I've seen kind of how my priorities played out and they didn't really serve me in the way I thought they would. I think that's a perfect. I think getting coffee and starting there, why not? I understand. I understand. You felt like you. It took a long time to roll this back. It took a long time for you to roll it back because you liked him. That's not a bad thing. You know, I think you can do that. You can fail quicker this time. It won't take you six months to roll it back. I think you can go, hey, this seems like a conversation we have to have over coffee. And I think your question to him is I. Is when we dated the first time, I didn't feel prioritized for me. And then I would speak in I terms. My priority is to have a serious relationship that includes, you know, equal equality of emotional, you know, taking care of each other emotionally. Equality and responsibility. That includes responsibility for another person's feelings. So that. Because in. In the way you wrote it, and I've been this guy where I'm basically saying, I'm responsible for everything else and your feelings come last, that's not really nice. But that's how it works out. I've been that guy. So I would say, hey, let's get coffee. I. I think you need to know. He needs to know how seriously you're taking him as a partner. He needs to know what you want from a partner. I'd like someone who's responsible for my feelings in the same way I feel responsible for theirs. I'd like to meet someone who is looking towards the next step. Engagement, marriage, kids. These things that I'm looking for. If you have the same priorities that you had the last time we dated, we're probably not the right match as far as timing is concerned. And I need to find someone who's matching me with timing. And timing doesn't mean I'm in a rush to get through the first phase. But the first phase has to include that you see me as someone that you're responsible for. Because I'm going to make you a responsibility for me. I'm going to make you someone I need to call. I'm going to make someone you. Someone I need to check in with. I'm going to make you someone I'm going to have to think of when it's Friday night and things are happening and. Hold on. Jason and I are doing stuff together. That's the partnership I'm looking for. If you're not looking for. If all this stuff scares the shit out of you and you can't do it with me, that's fine. But I want to end it now. But I need to hear that from you. That's how I would do it. And I would do it over coffee. I don't think over text is really helpful. Jtrain podcastmail.com if you're listening right now, I got shows. Dallas, Houston, New York City, Toronto, Vancouver, Seattle, Tempe, Los Angeles. That's a big one. Netflix is a joke festival. Want to sell those tickets early? Back next week. Boom.