Jared Freed (0:00)

It's a mailbag, Munder. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right is a mail bag. Monday, we go through some emails from you, the listener. You're looking for perspective. You're looking for advice from an idiot sitting in a studio apartment in New York City. And that's okay. I'm an idiot, but I'm going to be a thoughtful idiot. I'm going to help you in whatever way I can. I'm going to be honest with you. More honest than maybe a friend or a family member would be, because your friend and your family member doesn't want to lose you. And they might feel, you know, like it's uncomfortable. To tell you the truth, I don't. I feel pretty comfortable, you know, speaking into the void here. So I'm going to answer you honestly. I'm going to answer you lovingly. I'm going to take you in my arms and I'm going to put you at my nape, and I'm going to rock you to sleep while I whisper into your ear, you got to move on from him. You're never gonna be in a relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff like that. We do more than just dating and relationship. Lifestyle, wedding, friend stuff. Anything you're having an issue with, email j train podcastmail.com. that's jtrain podcastmail.com. first one is called sliding into the DMS. So that's a relatable topic, people. You know, Instagram, social media is really. It's called social media, so it is not crazy to think that that's where dating would occur, where you might meet someone. You're being social, you're using the media. I'm sorry. I'm a little hungover, so I might sound like an idiot. Okay, listen, if you have a question, send it toj train podcastmail.com there, there. Or you can DM the J train Instagram account, which I also want you to follow at J Train Podcast. Why would you follow a podcast Instagram account? It's a nice little reminder, a little touch that lets you know a new episode is up. I understand the ebbs and flows of listening to a podcast. I am a podcast listener. I am a lover of the medium. Weirdly, a lot of podcasters out there or a lot of people who start podcasts, never listen to one, don't really like them. You know, why would you. I don't know. I'm not going to sit here and get annoyed. Here's the thing. So I understand if someone you're listening now and maybe a month from now you're like, I've had enough of Jared. And then a month goes by and you see the on the Instagram. Wait a minute. I could use a little bit of J train in my ears. Tickling, tickling my ear. Eardrum. So go follow. You can also DM that account with questions that you have for Mailbag Monday. As far as shows are concerned, I am in Montreal this weekend. I would love for you and friends and family to come to my show in Montreal. Then I'm in New Zealand and Australia. Yep, it's happening. So jaredfree.com jaredfreed.com also going to be in Rochester, New York. And I just this link, it probably isn't out yet, but the link is coming or it's listen, I don't hide links. So I will be sharing it. But, but in April, I'm going to do a week of shows in Nashville where it's going to be new material. Basically me working out a set that I'm going to try and get ready for a theater tour in the fall. So Nashville is part of the Nashville Comedy Festival that they're doing. So. And it's going to be in their small room. It'll be intimate, as they say in the business. So. Okay, so that's enough. That's announcements. We have one sponsor that's pretty easy to get through. So I'll do email. Sponsor email. You ready? Hey, Jared. Huge fan of the pot. I've been an avid listener for a few years now and always sharing episodes with my friends. Thank you. We love seeing your comedy in the city. Thanks for all the giggles. I met this guy at my new job. Okay. Right away. Met a guy at work. Tough. Coming from a woman, I think I'm pretty positive. I'm just. There is a disconnect between how the at work dating scenario. There's a disconnect that I do think a lot of men take advantage of. They'll only go so far. They'll put a toe in the water of flirting and they'll value the job in a way where they're not looking to mess up that job. Because again, what attracts women to a men's success? Passion drive, upside, potential. You know, so. And I think, you know, these are things that sound old and from another time, but they are true. They, you know, stereotypes exist for a reason. This Is one of those, you know, so a guy knows that he also is maybe attracted to someone at work. I don't know where this email is going. I'm going to read it. But I'm just saying when I see I met this guy at my new job and it's sliding into the DMs, I'm going to understand without ever reading this. My brain is going to guy who's saying, being as vague as possible so he doesn't mess up his job. Because here's the thing, most men are more logistic. More logistic based, not robust romantic base. You need a little logic and you need a logic and romance smoothie to live in this world, to be in a relationship. I do believe that I could use a little bit more romantic in my smoothie. I know that about myself. If I'm to be vulnerable with you. So you meet a guy at work, he's gonna go, I see this thing ending, me and this girl, no matter how cool or fun or attracted I am, she means trouble for the career, you know, if we break up, it means trouble for the career. That gets me more girl, that makes me attractive. So these are just thoughts off the top of my head. I met this guy at my new job and unfortunately it was his last week there. Okay, good. I take back everything I say. Okay, that's a good thing. This is good. Okay, I just gave this whole speech. He works with you, he's gone. Okay. Unfortunately, it was his last week there. No, I actually think, fortunately, based on everything I just said, you should be happy. It was his last week there. I met this guy at my new job and unfortunately it was his last week there. We started chatting. We started chatting and then my one co worker came up after and said he was trying to flirt with me, but I didn't think much of it. Well, it's his last week, he's on his way out, new, new woman comes in. She's cute, Let me chatter up and see what I can do, and I'll be gone here soon. I think this is like the perfect scenario for him and for you. A few weeks later, I saw him on Raya. I decided to follow him on Instagram and shoot a DM since his Instagram was attached. Okay, so he's on Raya, which is the quote unquote famous person dating app. My experience with Raya. I am not on Raya now, but I will tell you, as someone who has been on Raya, it is. I would describe Raya as a nightclub that everyone wants to get into, but no one dances. So it is a lot of people that don't talk on the app. It's very hard to get a conversation going. This was my experience, but I've shared this experience with others and it seems to be the feedback from most people that Raya is a place where it's just see and be seen. But not a lot of dating. So he has his Instagram handle in his riot. That's actually more normal on that dating app as opposed to like Unhinged, where someone like, wrote it out. No. So this is like, this makes sense. But you, you, you, you made a move, though, when you write, I decided to follow him on Instagram and shoot a. You know, following alone is a move and you shot a dm. But I like your, Let me just say to this emailer, I like your style. Long story short, convo was receptive, I thought, but nothing ever came of it. I followed him, I unfollowed him on Instagram, but he stayed following me. Not sure if this detail is important. It's important to kind of what he's doing. You know, guys do like to just sit and look at you for a while. I mean, like, sometimes the Instagram. This is sad to say. Let me start by saying this is sad to say, but sometimes, like, having someone's Instagram, it's like, oh, I get it. I, I get what dating this person is. I get it. Like, it does. I actually think the follow is a bad thing. Like if you meet on a dating app and all of a sudden you're following each other. It's like, I, we, I get it. Brunch, family, friends, birthday, you know, another year around the sun, you know, lately, as the, you know, these are the captions. I, so I, I, I think him following you still is just like you're someone he likes to look at and he's going to keep looking. But I, okay, but he stayed following me. Not sure if this detail is important, but he doesn't use social media much. You don't know that. He only follows 350 people and has five posts. His last one is from a few years ago. That is one of those, let's not speak for them type of things. You don't know how some of the people with the least amount of social media are on it all the time. You just don't know. I, I think you, you know, five posts. You know, I just, I don't really connect one to the other. Why do guys do this? Why would you shoot your, why would you shoot Your shot again or put it to rest. Did my co worker get in my head and maybe he was just trying to be. He was just trying to be polite. Why do guys not just want to grab a drink? Even a turn if it turns into nothing? Best to swing and a miss. Well, I have the DMS in front of me. I'm going to read the DMS before we do. You ask a number of questions. Why do guys just not want to grab a drink, even if it turns into nothing? I, as someone who just doesn't want to get a drink, you know, like, as you're describing me in some cases where I'm like, it's a zoned in appointment. It is. You know, I, you know, also he might have other things going on. There's like a number of answers that don't get into like, that aren't about you, it's about their situation. Do I want to go out? Do I have the time to go out? If. And also there's a clock. It's like, hey, what are you doing this week? And then you have a whole week where you can't do it. And then you're like, am I going to put a date in for two weeks from now? Again, it's more complicated than. He thinks I'm awful, doesn't want to go out with me. So like, I. I know a lot of women write into me and it's like, tell me why he. They want their heads chopped off and I. And I just can't do that for you. So let me read the DMs. Let's see how it went. Hey. So she writes, hey, we met in blank. And then I saw you on Raya, so I think that means we have to get drinks soon. I love that message. He knows who you are. He knows what you look like you guys are on an even ish playing field. So. And you're referencing that you know, he's single. You're on Raya. I saw you. We met at the work. I think that means we got to get drinks soon. Okay, you put it out there. He writes, ha, ha ha. Yes. How's it going? Do you love blank as much as I do? It's going good. I don't know who him is. We met in. Maybe that has. Then I saw you on Ryan. I think that means we have to get drinks. So maybe you referencing someone at work. It's going good. Almost Friday now. No, I love him. I'm trying to get him to love me back. It's a slow burn. Hahaha. I feel the same way. Just want his affection. He writes, there must be someone at work that's like a boss that, like, you're trying, that you both find difficult to impress. Okay, fine. I think I won him over today. He needs no need to be jealous. It takes time. He wrote, how did it go? Listening to Top Hits is the perfect way to spend a Friday in the or. So I guess they're in the hospital. Are you on call this weekend? He writes, nope, in blank for a bachelor party. Hahaha. So fun. I love it there. I don't think it matters to say where they were, but whatever. I hope you all are drinking lots of hurricanes. Okay, I should tell you where they are. New Orleans. Well, when you're back, if you want to grab a drink, here's my number. This is her. She did a fantastic job. She reiterated the point. And then he writes many hurricanes and nothing else. You did it. It's done. It's over. You're done. You. There's a thing on Instagram where you can make some. You can unfollow someone from following you. I think you should do this. Get it out of your head. It's over. Let me. So here's. Here's the rub. You know, my feedback to this emailer is you did a great job sliding in the dms. You were fun. You were positive. You gave your number, you gave him all the tools to build a house called date. Pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself. There's no. What I hate about this is that it might steer you away from being as great and bold as you were here. And my feedback to you is, I hope that you can do this again. It didn't work out. I can't give you reasons as to why. I can give you, like, the whole following. You still, you know, a cute girl thinks I'm attractive enough to want to go to drinks with me. You know, I'm gonna follow and stare at her for a while, and at a certain point I'll feel ridiculous for it, you know? You know, you'll get engaged and I'll be like, okay, time to unfollow. Our story is done. But that's kind of the way he's operating. I'm just. I'm giving you inside of my head, which is what is he's thinking. Men like options. Men like to know they have options. I mean, this. I think we're all, at a certain point, our middle school self. And. And again, I'm. I'm not apologizing for this. Guy, I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I just think you ask these questions of why. And it's like, okay, when you're in middle school, you're told, talk to girls and you get turned down and you feel embarrassed. And, you know, you get older and you go, I'm just gonna keep as many girls around as possible so that I have girls to go to if I. If I come down to it. If it comes down to it. And that might sound bad. I'm just saying why things are done this way, in my opinion. But you did. Here's the problem here. You know, should you do this again? Yes. Did someone different, but this person, they're ignoring the important part, which is make the date. You have told him exactly what you want, and he ignores it every time. I'm not saying he's being polite. I think quote unquote. But, you know, sometimes politeness is. Is mean. And I think if you asked a third time and he still ignored it and he, like, if he's sending fire emojis to your stories and kind of like knocking at your door but not making a plan, that would be mean of him. He's not doing that. You messaged the conversation went a little bit. He ignored the ask out on the date. He ignored it again. You're out. I do think you did it perfectly. I do think you were fun. I do. I. Why do guys do this? Is your question. I it when you ask a question like that, I'm like, they all do until they don't. So that's my encouraging answer to that. You know, like, I think the way you went about this was great and wonderful, and at some point someone won't do this and you're gonna go on a date and you're gonna have a great time. My advice to you is unfollow him from you. Leave it. Don't have this face pop up in your story views that you makes you doubt yourself, because this person will make you doubt yourself. And I'm sorry for that. But it's not because you did anything wrong. It's just not the match for them. And they don't see getting drinks as something that will make their life, you know, where they want it to be. That's the thing. We're all, you know, nothing is more selfish than being single. And that's what you're supposed to be. You gave him your number because you thought you could be better off by getting drinks with him. We're not on the same page. It's time to move on. So we're sponsored people. Nutrafol, your, your hair, or lack of it, is a huge part of how you see yourself. If you've been struggling with hair thinning, it's time to get Neutrophil. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over 1 million people. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol, just order online, no prescription needed. And Nutrafol helps you stay on track with your hair goals with automated deliveries and free shipping. I am blessed by the hair gods. My hair is fine. My mom loves Nutrafol so I'm going to give you her personal recommendation. She keeps reordering it. She has seen a difference. Thicker, fuller hair. 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Nutrafol.com spelled n u t r a f o l dot com promo code feather nutrafol.com promo code feather so that's our 1 sponsor. It is in the description of the episode. We got one more email and it is a juice A1. My husband virtually cheated on me. Okay, here we go. J train. I come to you in a time of need. My husband and I got married in January 2023. So I am sitting here January 2025. So two years married. My husband and I got married on January 2023 on our three year dating anniversary. So that means you met on January 2020. So you guys meet January 2020. Then pandemic so you're locked in together, things move really quick. You get engaged, probably. You get married January 2023. Now you've been married two years. I, like many other women, lived in a bubble of a perfect relationship. My husband told me three days ago that in October through November of 2023, so. Oh, my God. So this is a crazy email. I, like many other women, lives in a bubble of a perfect relationship. She wrote in quotes. My husband told me three days ago that in October to November of 2023, he entered a relationship with a woman he met playing virtual reality. It was more of an emotional affair with the physical aspects being in virtual reality. This is like an email from the future, really. So you're married in January. Then in October, he starts going on VR. I would know. How do you get into the virtual reality world? He says the reason he did this is because he didn't understand my bipolar disorder. Well, that's. We've already started. I mean, he. To say, I don't understand something that's wrong with you. I feels very manipulative. I don't like that, as that's not really a way. You're not really talking things out. And seeing me sad all the time caused him to blame himself and turn somewhere else. To me, that is a very convenient response. And listen, I know nothing. I'm an idiot in a. In a studio apartment, as I said in the beginning. But. And I'm no expert, and I'm sure you should let me start. Go. You know, if you're looking to work through this, a relationship therapist would be the best call to make. So I'm. I'm just letting you know. I'm just giving you an opinion. But when someone says, the reason I cheated is because of a disorder that you have that you will always have, that, you know, you can't control, that you try to, you know, work on. And then I felt, you know, then I felt that I was to blame for you being sad, so I turned somewhere else. It's like he's, like, weirdly making himself heroic, you know, like, oh, I felt I was so upset to make you sad that I had to go somewhere else. I had to put on the Wii and start fucking my Wemoji. Like, I don't understand. That's where you. This is where this all falls. AP Part. Like, I. I just don't buy that. That feels like something that's like, here's your reason. Can we move on from this? It's just too convenient. It's too. It fits too well as the online relationship escalated. He felt it was wrong and ended it before it progressed too deep. How do you cheat in VR? That's what I don't understand. My head is now reeling. I of course, looked at his, looked this at his PC and found screen grabs of the virtual interactions as well as messages he sent one of his quote unquote friends on my birthday of him kissing his partner, quote unquote. I mean, is he doing this in VR as well as a message he sent one of his quote unquote friends on my birthday of him kissing his quote unquote partner? A lot of this is a little bit stuck in. I'm not sure what you mean because I'm not sure if like a friend quote unquote is someone he knows in the VR world. And that's why you're putting it in quotes. I know what your birthday is. But then like quote unquote partner is like quotes because it's in VR. He even told this woman he loved her, which I think is what hurts the most. Before telling, before him telling me this, I really thought we had a great, solid relationship. I think we still do. But the bubble is burst and our problems are splattered on the wall. We have communications issues as well as me having intimacy issues and him having problems with childhood from childhood, which he is starting therapy for. Where do we go from here? And is marriage counseling the only option? Well, when you ask, is marriage counseling the only option? Why? I just don't understand why you ask that way. It's the option. Are you looking for other ways to not have to do marriage counseling? Are you afraid of what you'll find out? Maybe. I think that's probably the reason most people don't go to therapy or counseling is I don't want to lift up that rock and see what's underneath. I don't want to see the cockroaches that live under their house. So how do I stop the noise in my head and stop wanting to search through all his stuff? I. I don't think you can stop the noise in your head. I don't think you can stop. I'm sorry this happened. How do I process this instead of staying busy and deep cleaning my whole house? I forgot. I've forgiven him. But forgetting is another thing. I feel so lost. All the feathers. Mrs. So, so sad. I'm so sorry. I can see in the way you wrote this email how you. You just feel kind of like there's nowhere to go and nothing to do and this is going to haunt you. Forever. And I'm sorry for that. I think marriage counseling, if you're going to. Well, here's the thing. There's a decision. Are you going to work on this with him or not? It sounds like you want to work on this with him. Does he want to work on this with you? I think. Let's simplify. It starts with that. Do we want to work on this? And I think that's a conversation you two need to have together, because this is hard work. This is going to be hard work. And like to me, when he says, your. Your bipolar disorder is what made me sad, you know, is why I cheated. Like, that was him not working with you. That's him going, no, I don't want to work with you. That was him saying, okay, the easy route is to feel good in this other place. And then I'll come back to this place when she stops, you know, dealing with her bipolar. So we've already. He has already shown that he. He is the. Has the ability to opt out of working on things with you. So I do think you have to sit with him and say, do we want to work on this? If not, we have to move on from it. We have to break up. Because it takes two to work. You two people have to be on the same page to work on it. And then you. If you both go, yeah, we were. Yeah, I want to work on this. Yeah, I want to work on this. Okay, then it's marriage counselor. I think you gotta go together. Like him working on his childhood stuff with a therapist. Good for him. But that doesn't really get you to talking. Like when you say, how do I stop the noise in my head. No, no, the noise in your head is the things that you should be asking him. I would think the noise is, you know, the noise is. It. It's either talk to him or go look through all his stuff. You know, the hope is that you guys communicate so well that looking through his stuff is like a. Not the next option. You don't feel the need to do that. So I'm really sorry this happened. I also think, like, you know, the problem you probably have. And I talked about this a little bit on Coffee with J Train, and this is where I can feel your pain. Well, I'm assuming something. I had my Facebook hacked, and I talked about it on Coffee with Jtron, just how small I felt in the grand scheme of things, how little control I felt over my life. And then I felt this guilt that I was so affected by something so frivolous as Facebook. And I think this virtual reality thing, it's like, I don't know how upset I'm allowed to be. It's like him with a cartoon avatar. They didn't even meet in real life. So is it cheating? Is it not cheating? And I think you have to allow for this to be a real thing for you, and you can't just, you know, calling it a virtual reality girlfriend and putting partner in quotes. No, no, no. He was having a personal relationship with someone outside of your marriage, and it happened in this different way that deserves, you know, the way might feel stupid and video gamey, but we have to adjust to the new world we live in. This is 2025. So, like, I do think, like, I would understand if you're sitting there going, well, you know, you make a lot of well buts. Well, but, well, it's virtual reality. Well, you know, he was hooking up with Princess Peach. You know, it wasn't a real woman. No, I think you have to be okay with saying this is real. My feelings are, you know, are real. My hurt is real. Just because it happened in this other way doesn't mean it's not something. So I think that's my. The thing where I kind of understand a little bit if that's something you're feeling. I'm just making an assumption because I know, you know, I felt stupid. I'm like, I care about Facebook getting hacked. Like, what a loser. But I'm like, no, no, that's my business. It's something I've built. I put a lot of time and effort and money into making this Facebook account. Oh, I feel. I feel cheated on by, you know, my husband going on virtual reality. He didn't even meet this person. No, no. You have a marriage that you've built. He's. He's betrayed that, and he's using your pro. You know, your diagnosis, or, you know, bipolar disorder. I'm sorry if I'm not saying it the right way, but he's using that to go, well. That's why I made. No, you. You didn't talk to me. Given the option of talking to me or putting on your. Your Wii headset. You chose the headset. You chose to go find, you know, you know, Zelda and hook up. So that's my thoughts. I think the marriage counselor is the move. If you both want to work on it, it Mailbag Monday. Back next week, boom.