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The JTrain Podcast
My LA Show This Saturday, Pill Organizers, And Microwave Beeps - TICKED OFF TUESDAY
00:33:10
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I know you're angry. It's Tuesday and it has no feel. The weekend was fun. You're still hungover from the eating and next weekend is too far away. What will you do with your day? It's time to get ticked off. Complain with your gripe. Right now your friend Uncle J Train is here to tell you that you're right. It's a ticked off Tuesday. Ticked off Tuesday. You're angry and you don't even know why. Enjoy this podcast. It'll help you get to Friday.
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Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. Is Jay Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Delray Beach, Florida? That's right, every Tuesday is a ticked off Tuesday where you, the listener, complain to me, the comedian, and I find a way to commiserate with you. That's the show. Pretty simple premise. If you have a complaint, you can either email it to jtrain podcast gmail.com that's jtrain podcast gmail.com or. Or. The best way to get on the show is to sign up for the Patreon. Patreon subscribers get first dibs. We go to those first. So what you get with the Patreon membership is Coffee with J Train, which is my personal diary. You get to listen in on the week that was stories from the week and then you can comment on Coffee with J Train with your ticked off Tuesday and that will be read the next week or the, the week after. You. You're first. You're top of the pipe. So all of the links for the episode are in the bio. I, I'm, I'm in a ticked off mood. I'm dealing with scheduling and a book tour that I felt should have been planned months ago that we're working through the book tour. I, I mean by the time this comes out, I think a book tour will be out and available for, for purchase. Tickets that get bundled with a book. So you can come, you get your book, you go, there'll be a moderator, we'll have some fun doing some bits that I've been known to do. You know, I'm always producing, I'm always, you know, when I did the first J Train podcast live show, I knew that your podcast live show needed to be gently askew to the podcast. It had to be a live event. That's why I created these bits. Dating app makeovers being one of them. If you want your dating app profile, give it a makeover with a hug and a whisper. You know, I give you a hug, I whisper in your ear some tough news and Then we move on, we laugh, we have a good time doing it. That's gonna be part of these shows if you want Brotta Stone, that's a name I came up with. I feel like way too late. But it was called Deal Reveal. Basically I can translate any text you're getting from a guy. You tell me the story, you tell me what's going on, I'll translate the text. Rosetta Stone, red flag, deal breaker. Icky or picky. These have all come from the live version of the show. So we're going to do that as part of the book tour. I'm going to be coming to New York city on the 8th, Boston on the 9th, Philly on the 10th, DC, Chicago, Denver. Those are the places we have set up right now. And on the subject of going on the road, I mean my ticked off Tuesday I had one which was I hate when someone goes through a doorway softly. I hate when someone opens the door for themselves to then wiggle through it as they limp wristed push the door open. And I, I don't know how to explain it. I do know how to explain it. Just going through the door, when you push it open for yourself and you push it open 6 inches so that you can credit card swipe your way out of the entrance while someone behind you is now left with the task of pushing the door open because you decided to be a toddler. That is angering to me. That's my complaint. Because you're not expecting it. It's like someone pressing on their brakes with no one in front of them on the highway, you're looking at the lights. You react to the lights now and, and when you're looking, you know, three seconds ahead, as they teach you in the DMV school, you're looking ahead. All of a sudden the brights come on and the, with the brake lights, you're like, oh my God, I gotta slam in the brakes. Why are we doing this? Flow of traffic? This is a person that has no regard for the flow of traffic when it comes to walking. The person who pushes the door just enough to get themselves through so that the people behind them end up in an accident, end up running into a door. That was my initial complaint. Then I saw, I'm aware of this person, Bobby Altoff, just because I'm aware of everything that happens on the Internet. Maybe you're not aware of them. They had a podcast where they, the whole bit was that they didn't get anything. I never got the bit. I don't find the bit of not trying. Fun, funny, entertaining. Never have, never will. I am a trier. I'm a do too much. I am someone who takes things seriously. As you can tell from the tone of my voice right now, when it comes to. I am the big fucking loser who likes to try hard. See how you did and feel. The failure or the win. It's usually a failure. That's. That's me. I'm a big fucking idiot loser. Because this Bobby Halt off person, her whole bit is not getting it confused, not trying. And she did that to fame and fortune. So who's the idiot? She's smart, I'm stupid. Over the course of whatever career she's done, she gets, you know, and. And I'm. And. And she's had. She's known for getting very famous guests to her podcast where she acts like she has no idea what's going on. I'm confused. What are you talking about? She's a big dummy. Even though she had the ability and the wherewithal to get Drake on her podcast. And that's kind of what popped her off. This is from my angle. Maybe you might have the whole Bobby Altoff history. And then I saw she kind of disappeared. The podcast kind of went away. Yeah, because things take work. I do this every day. There's a podcast waiting for you every single fucking morning. What an idiot I am. Two mediocre reviews and regard. That's that. What an idiot I am. I could have been befuddled. Idiot Mr. Magoo and everyone would have gotten involved with my shit again. This is ticked off Tuesday. Don't say Jared, you sound mad. This is where we do our complaining. So I. I feel free to do this here. It comes out this week that she has a show in the Netflix is a joke festival, which I am also a part of. My show 9:45 this Saturday night. If you're in LA, if you're in the area, let me take a chance. Let me take an opportunity to promote my show because I really care about filling up the joint. And it's with material that I've cared enough to put together, let's call it, over the course of a year and a half. This material is a year and a half in of, you know, etching at the Stone.
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That is this piece
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Bobby show, which I don't care about. Obviously I do. I'm talking about it, but I don't. I'm not of the belief that one person having a show means that it's taking away people from me. I'm annoyed by it. But the Minute you get annoyed by non comedian doing comedy show, you go, who are you? Who cares? Just do your own thing. And I, and I do that. Then I realized Bobby's show is 15 minutes away from my show at the same exact time and date. So there will be. So now the, you know, now my brain starts cranking. Now person whose act is not giving a crap, same time as my show, give a crap. And immediately annoyed. But what are you going to do again? Do I even want someone who wants what she's putting out into the world, which I believe is garbage at my show? Well, I am such an idiot and a trier that I'm like, well, I could take any of those people and make them a fan and make them laugh and have them walk home going, wow, thank God I went to that. God, thank, thank you, thank you algorithm for bringing me to that show and not the other one where the person. So her show is, is being, is being promoted as I don't have any material. It's literally I don't have anything. This is my first time doing it. Hopefully it doesn't suck. I'm putting $500 under one chair. So someone's going to get $500, which if someone said, I need 500 bucks, I'm going to take the chance. Okay, I'm okay with that. I get that. But again, so then I did a tweet or a thread, so now I'm seeing the discourse about it on threads. Threads to me is more depressing than Twitter. Twitter is a bunch of garbage. People who are just like, like the disgustings of the world generally. Like, the bad on Twitter is kind of just like a joke to me. The bad on threads that I get face to face with is like people that I. People thinking that they're being heroic by taking down people who. I don't know. The complaining on threads depresses me more than the garbage on Twitter. And I'm sure there's some sort of psychological study to this, but the garbage on threads is just people, losers complaining. It seems to be the whole thing. And finding someone to kind of beat up that they feel morally above. And for some reason, that type of mob depresses me more than the mob that's like just like cartoonishly racist, I guess, or anti Semitic, whatever, whoever they hate on Twitter. I'm like, this doesn't. This person doesn't even exist to me. The person on threads. I'm like, oh, that's just. Oh my God, these losers really think they're above it. Again, I'm I'm, I'm, I'm speaking out of my ass a little bit, but I just had something about threads really depressed me and I'm seeing this discourse about Bobby Altoff having a comedy show at the Netflix Comedy Festival. And then I'm seeing it's the same night as mine and the same time as mine, and I'm going, so let me do a fun tweet or a fun thread. And my fun thread was to say, if you want to protest her show, come to mine. A show that's been worked on for two years. And then I got depressed again by it because I'm like, my God, none of these people complaining are ever going to come to my show. They're just here. People who come here to complain, they are the losers. Bobby's the only one winning. I'm promoting her show. So this is all to say, I have a show this weekend in LA and every seat that's open, I'll just imagine that person is at the Bobby Altoff show laughing at anyone who tries. Jtrain podcastmail.com I'm also coming to Jax. I'll be trying in Jacksonville, Austin, Cleveland, the Hamptons, Miami, Red Bank, New Jersey, Foxwoods, Portland, Maine. Always more to come. You can come watch me try too hard. I feel like an idiot. That's, that's, that's the reality. Your emails. Yes, we're sponsored. This, this cry for help is sponsored. Ultra pouches. I, I like Ultra because if I'm a coffee drinker, if you're looking to replace one coffee a day with something else that keeps you company, that, you know, like, you know, coffee's a replacement for cigarettes, is a replacement for, you know, chewing tobacco, is a. Like coffee becomes the least bad of them all. Ultra. The pouches are actually nicotine free, caffeine free and packed with powerful nootropics and vitamins. So they're taking this hand to mouth thing that you have or that I have, I have it. And it's putting in a benefit there, which I think is great. If you, if you're looking for a rush but want to keep it clean, check out Ultra pouches. Ultra pouches are designed for mental clarity and enhance focus. Nicotine free, caffeine free impact with Nutri, powerful nootropics and vitamins. Ultra pouches give you a little lift anytime, anywhere. It's like a nicotine pouch without the side effects. So I love that. This is a great way to like take that oral fixation. That's. Is that what it's called? Whatever it is that makes me want a coffee, but I don't even want the coffee. I just want something in my hand to drink. Diet Cokes. If you have a diet Coke, put it in an Ultra pouch. That's when I have it on a flight. Great for a flight. Ultra pouches come in five great flavors. Cool mint, wintergreen, tropical watermelon, and all new Blue Raz. You're gonna love them. All new Blue Razz. That makes me sound like such a pitchman. And the all new Blue razz I'm, I'm a fan of. The Tropical Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use Code J train to get 15 off. Take ultra.com that's take ultra.com for 15 off with code jtrain. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them the J Train podcast sent you. With all new Blue Raz. With all new blue Razor. I did some voiceover. That's like when you do voiceover, that's what you do. You just do it like 30 million times. With all new Blue Raz. With the all new Blue Raz. Yeah. Ultra. I, I, I'm a user, so I, I like it. All right, here are your emails. Let's get to your complaints. Did I go in too hard at Bobby Altoff? I I, I, listen, this is a commercial for her. You can go watch, you know the, and listen. A show where someone says, come watch me bomb. That is like a version of a show. I understand why someone goes, oh, let's see this person bomb. That's fun. But I, I don't know how, I don't know. I the minute I start going, well, what if those people never go to a standup show again? That's where I know my, my complaint has gone down the slippery slope of loserdub. Because now I'm like trying to make it a morality play and I'm the loser. So I guess that's my complaint. I'm a big fucking loser for even doing the thread. Okay, let's go to the listener ones. One of the most annoying things is when you microwave something, the time ends and it beeps to remind you it's there. If you don't get it immediately. Oh, I totally agree. I'm aware that the time finished. Give me a minute. I need to eat what's in there, so I'm fairly certain I'll grab Remember to grab it. I am so with this person. Let's Say I'm in the middle of washing something, or I walk away to go to the bathroom, it beeps to remind me multiple times to the point I end up shouting in my microwave to shut the up. Thanks for the daily giggles. This person's right. Especially for a microwave. Now I have all this new appliance. I have many new appliances in my. In my home because it's a new place, new build, let's say. I think the building's two and a half years old. So I have a fridge that if you leave it open too long, it beeps. I have a microwave. If you leave something in it after you've cooked it, it beeps. I have a dishwasher. If you leave it closed after it's done, it beeps. I have a clothing washer, a dryer, a washer dryer. Levodin, it beeps. Everything is beeping all the time to remind you, hey, I'm here. Come and get me. And I would say it's helped me 1% of the time that the beeping has occurred. Now, to this person's point, the microwave is the one you can complain about the most. It would be quite a bad day in realizing I have dementia to find out that I forgot to eat the thing that I made in the microwave. That's really the only way I could understand forgetting that I cooked something in the microwave. So the fridge, I could understand. You leave it open. You don't shut it hard enough. I can understand the beep for the fridge, the washing machine, the washing dryer, I can understand that. Oh, my God, the wash is happening. The dishwasher, I can understand that. Oh, we did a wash. We did a run. The microwave of all these items needs the beep. The lease. And if you do get the beep, the beep should happen 30 minutes later. And if that beep happens, you should. The minute you open the microwave, it should call a doctor to have you checked for Alzheimer's and dementia, because that's really the most horrified. Like, if I found out that I forgot to get the stuff out of the microwave, that would be my horror movie. Oh, my God, I have this. You know, that's. That's the scene in the. The Dead Bot. You know, the. The. The Body Snatchers? No, the. Where. You know, the movie where they. What do they call it now? I have Alzheimer's? What the fuck am I talking about? The. Whenever they have, like, a Shaun of the Dead, they have a. It's a. A zombie movie. That's the scene in the zombie movie. Where they get done running away from the zombies. And they go, is everyone okay? And then they look over and one of their friends has a little tiny scratch on their arm. And they're like, jason, oh, look at your arm. And they're like, no, no, it's just, it's just a little Crayola. I, I had a marker in my pocket. And they're like, no, Jason, you're gonna become a zombie. And he's like, no, no, no. I swear they didn't touch me. And then they just chop off Jason's head before he can turn into the zombie that tries to eat them all. To me, that's the microwave beeping a half hour later. Beep. You're like, what? What? Jared, you forgot you cooked popcorn a half hour ago. No, no, no, no. I, I, I, I, I, I put it in there to keep it warm. I don't like to eat it when it's, when it's really hot, but I want to keep it warm. There it is. That could be. That'd be a not very entertaining movie. Someone realizing they have Alzheimer's from the from forgetting that they put the popcorn in. Let's do another one. J train podcast gmail.com jtrain podcast gmail.com. dear Jared, coffee with J Train and you up subscriber here. Thank you. I think you're hysterical. Well, thank you. Check me out in la. There'll be. Half the seats are available because Bobby Altoff has a huge open mic she's charging people for. Whenever you come to Providence, I immediately assemble the group chat. I love Providence. That Providence weekend when I get done at the Comedy Connection in Providence, it is as if I had just fought like 12 round bouts. Like it is just. They're on you. And I love it in a good way. Because of some health stuff, my doctor has me taking six plus supplements pills a day to stay organized. I use a pill case. My husband takes a daily vitamin, one pill once a day. That's it. I'm opening Amazon packages the other day and find a new. I'm opening Amazon packages the other day and I find a new pill case I know I didn't order. Maybe you have Alzheimer's. I asked him if Amazon made a mistake. He casually tells me, no, I ordered that for my vitamin. You ordered a pill case for his one vitamin? He bought a full pill organizer to manage one single pill a day. For reference, he is 28, not 70. It ticked me off immediately. Can't he just take it from the bottle like every other adult or Flip the bottle upside down after he takes it. A seven day pill case for one vitamin feels ridiculous to me. You are absolutely right. This is crazy. Just the fact that he had no apology for you based on this email, you are taking six plus supplements and pills a day. He didn't feel any embarrassment. He got a pill case and he didn't feel the need to be like, I know this is crazy. I forgot to take it the other day. I don't want to keep forgetting. It drives me nuts. I just need hat put into hand. I it's not even. I need him to look at you and go, I know this is crazy. That honestly most of my complaints are eradicated from the person who I'm complaining about just going, I know this is just who I am, what I do. Like, I know this is crazy. You be what you want. What I would want if I were you is just an admission that you are keeping up with a pill regimen that he understands is out there for a lot of people and he doesn't have to deal with the pill case is kind of him being like, yeah, look at us, we take pills. I need a pill case just like you. No you don't. You want the pill case because you don't want to miss a day and then start thinking you have Alzheimer's and now you're in my Alzheimer's movie. That would be the first scene. Your husband's the first scene he forgets his pillow. He's like, I got to go on Amazon and get a pill case. Then the next scene in the movie, he makes the popcorn. It's in there for a half hour. He hears the beep. Oh my God, it's getting worse. That's the next scene. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcastmail.com here every Tuesday. Tell a friend I'd love to like do you know, put out tickets for a show where I'd say I have no material and people buy them anyways. That would be fun. I want to go full all to ticked off Tuesday for you. I recently spent a night in Palm Beach. Well, welcome to town. Before driving to the Keys for a wedding. What a weekend. I decided to go on a beach run in the morning before we left for Key Largo. The public beach access was conveniently located two blocks from our hotel, so I was easily able to get onto the beach. However, a fourth of mile in, it started pouring down rain and there was no way that I could leave the beach without running back to the beach access I had entered on that Is brutal. So you go onto the beach, you start running, Rain, rain on its way. You're like, oh, my God, let me get off this beach. No exit. There were many gates, but they were all private and had locks. Yes, a very Palm beach issue. There was not another way for me to leave the beach. I would have appreciated the public beach access having a sign that says, next public beach access X miles away. You've solved the issue. You're exactly right. Running in the rain is not ideal. But running in the rain, feeling trapped on a wet, sandy beach, tripping over mounds of mud with was a nightmare. No, no, no.
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This is.
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This is the next scene in the horror movie. This is. This is the next scene in my Alzheimer's horror movie. Aside from the obvious, how is this not a fire hazard? Also, how can you own the beach? Well, owning the beach aside, this is the next scene. You forget your pills. You go, oh, my God, I got to go. On Amazon, you get the pill case for your one pill a day. Next scene, you make popcorn. Half hour later, the beep. Oh, my God, it's getting worse. Then you go on the beach, you start running, it starts raining, you don't know where to find an exit. You forgot how you got in the beach. There's no way out of the beach. Oh, my God. What if this was like a big theme for that? I got one more email to go. We almost got four for four. No, I'm with you for the sign. Not to say. The sign needs to say next beach access x miles away, 10 minute walk. Give me something. They do this on the highway here. There's an express lane on the highway and it will say eight miles to the next. But I would rather. I want more explanation. 8 miles. And not every exit on the express has how many miles to the next express exit. Also running on the beach. You have made quite a decision. You have made quite a decision with your run. That is not easy. To not know everything about it is crazy. Owning the beach, you know, that's one of those, like, that's one of those, like, I. I don't want. You know, when someone says, tax the rich, I'm like, well, what if I get rich? You know, when someone's like, ah, why should anyone have a private entrance to the beach? What if I wanted a private entrance to the beach? What if I become the next Bobby Altoff? Jtrain. Podcastmail.com you wrote, is this not a fire hazard? That I agree with. That's a great way to complain about this. That's the One. That's the one you go to City hall with. I this is a fire hazard. I'm on the beach. How do I get off? I'm running, I guess. What fire is coming from the ocean? If you're. If a fire is coming at you from the ocean, we got bigger problems. J train podcast to gmail.com. j train podcast gmail.com all emails from Patreon subscribers. Remember that. Sign up for the Patreon. And if you're in LA this weekend, I'll be there. Oh, the book. Yeah, we talked about the book. Oh my God, do I have Alzheimer's? Ticked off Tuesday. A year ago I signed up for a gym and bought a year up front because doing so saved me around $120 a year. I enjoy this gym. I'm there multiple times a week. Cut now. I receive cut now. I've never heard that languaging. I enjoy this gym. I'm there multiple times a week. It would be cut to now. Cut now. I okay, cut to now. I receive an email that they have automatically renewed my membership and have auto debited 650 from my account. I personally am not struggling, which f feels like a hum. I am personally. I personally am not struggling, which feels like a humble brat. No, you don't have to say that you're not struggling, but no one wants $650 just debited from their account. I'm with you if that's where this is going. So that isn't a problem for me. But it seems insane to not email someone a week before they take hundreds of dollars from your account without warning. No, I'm with you. You don't nobody. This idea that there's a certain amount of money that someone has where they don't they're not allowed to complain about. Money is crazy. $650 is debited from your account. You should have gotten a warning email. Many warning emails. I think six months with a link, I think this should all be law. This could really screw up some people's accounts. All I'm saying, yeah, it could screw up anyone. I don't care how rich you are, depending on what account you have it attached to, you might have no cash in that account and that you now you've bounced, you know, a check in some way. Right? Like all I'm saying, a heads up email or move to month to month option would have been courteous. I think this is like one of those things that if I saw a politician like enacting these things, I would be like that. Someone I need to get behind. I think being able to unsubscribe from emails, unsubscribe from. From gym memberships. All this stuff should be made so easy and apparent that a company should be fined and penalized when they don't. This 650 to just have taken from your account. As if. Oh, yeah, you agreed to this a year ago. Lives change. No email. It should be an email that says you have one week until you have $650 taken from this account that you have on file. If you would like this not to happen, click this button. And it should be huge. And if you. And then at the end of it, it should say, and if. And at the end of the email, it should say, and if you get the $650 taken from your account and you've forgotten this email, you might have Alzheimer's. Now we got two birds, one star. That's the last scene of the movie. The last scene of the movie. $1200 taken from their account. They don't know why they go and ask, hey, what's going on? Where did this.
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Who.
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Who took $1,200? You signed up for that gym and paid ahead for the year an hour ago, sir. That would be like the. The. That would be the, like the Hitchcock ending to the movie. Ticked off Tuesday. Back next week, Bo.