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The JTrain Podcast
My lifelong friend flirted with me!! What now? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
00:39:27
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Hamilton Island, Australia. I think it's North Queensland. If I'm to look it up, you should all look it up and just Google. This is the most beautiful place I think I've ever been in my entire life. And I hate to even qualify by saying I think, is that qualifying? I'm just saying it is out of the magazine. It is out of the commercial for vacation. It is. I'm sitting on my deck. I have my own, like, pool area. Listen, I'm very lucky to enjoy such an amazing place. This was added on the end of my Australia trip, basically, what happened, and just go look up Hamilton Island. You'll just be in awe. And everyone I told. And I'll go over this on coffee with J Train at the end of the week. But you can tell a place is unbelievable. When everyone didn't matter, old, young, whatever, in Australia, I said, I'm going at the end of my trip to Hamilton Island. They all went, oh, my God, you are so lucky. And, yeah, it's just. I'm trying to think of the place in the US where someone would tell me that and. Or that someone would get, like, the. Just 100% approval rating like that. And I can't because. And maybe it's just us Americans, I don't know. But, like, if someone was like, I'm going to the Hamptons, you know, the New Yorker wearing the Hamptons, and, oh, you know, it's a little fancy there, you know, people would get into it. No one did. There was no. There was no commentary other than there was commentary. The commentary was, that's the most unbelievable place I've ever been. And I didn't even say, like, the hotel I was staying at. Just, wherever you're going is good. And I will. Let me back that up. It's got my full recommendation. If you can make it to this side of the world and can get to Hamilton Island. I mean, I'm looking. I posted on Instagram a video of kind of like my studio. You know, I'm a big douche from the J Train studios. This is. Yes, this is the J Train studios in Hamilton Island. I'm sitting. I'm doing this outside with a coffee. I couldn't think of a happier place to be, a better place to talk to you, wherever you are. Take yourself. Maybe you can hear it. Let me just give you a second. It sounds like one of those calm videos. Okay, hold on. I'm going to give you 10 seconds. Okay, that was like the one 10 seconds that no bird decided to like, cough. That was annoying. I. Well, okay, I coughed. Good. Someone had to make up for the, the lack of birds. So it's Monday. Wherever you are, close your eyes for two seconds and just bring yourself to Hamilton Island. This is. Well, that's the point of a podcast. Let me take your brain put on the shelf. I've got two emails in front. Do I have three? I got. Oh, I've got three. What a great. No, no, no, I got two. One's pretty long. So we're gonna do the two emails. I got two advertisements. Someone's gonna pay for these Hamilton island trips. I got two ads. I'll do one before and then one in the middle of the, the, the emails. And you know, I just want to thank you for being a listener. It's such an amazing thing to be able to go away and still speak to you while I'm away. And you know, I am alone. If you have been watching or listening on coffee with J Train, I, you know, alone. Travel has its ups and downs emotionally has, you know, I have a lot of travel guilt that I talk about. I, I've called it travel guilt. I'm not sure if that's a real thing. It's gotta be. I, you know, I'm not that original and you know, I even. A place like this, I'm like loving it and you know, I went to bed. I'm happy. I'm up at 6:50 in the morning, you know, time. And time is really tough to, you know, am I waking up earlier? Is this just what the jet lag has done to me at this point? And it's probably the jet lag, but. All right, well, is there anything to promote other than the sponsors? Let's, let's do the first sponsor meundies. Listen here, let, let me just say. Well, here's the ad they want me to read. Guys, pretty privilege is a real thing and it's time you maximize what you're working with. Me. Undy's contoured pouch and ball caddy is here to make you look your best. The micro modow sling helps keeps everything lifted, separated and looking huge. You're going to love it and ladies are going to love it. I can't speak to the hugeness of their, you know, the contoured pouch and ball caddy because I don't have it. But I do understand the nature of feeling good in your underwear. And also since I've been traveling now since February 21, so it is March 10, that is a long time. I have meundies with me on this trip. They've kept up. Sometimes when you travel it. You know, the worst thing that can happen to you on a. When you travel is bad underwear. And when you go to pack, you should have front of the rotation underwear at your disposal. You. Because that's the time where you're gonna have to bring that seventh pair of underwear. That's the time you have to bring that eighth pair where you're like, I hate wearing it. And you end up just carrying around a pair of underwear that you don't wear. You double wear other underwear to not wear that one. So let's cut the shit. Let's cut it out. Let's. Let's stop being mean to ourselves, because I'm gonna give you some free money. Let's be good to ourselves. Let's treat ourselves in the way I'm treating myself with a trip to Hamilton Island. And their signature fabric is incredibly comfortable. I can speak to that. I'm wearing. I'm wearing it all throughout my trip. I wouldn't travel in something that wasn't comfortable. They have all black classics, fun and expressive prints. Meundies has something for everybody. Plus they come in sizes small to 4 XL that, you know, that's. That's a perfect fit for anyone. Good things come in big packages at MeUndies get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping of orders of $75 or more at me.com feather promo code feather. That's MeUndies.com feather code feather for 20% off Me Undies. Comfort from the outside in. So that's our. All the ads are in the description of the episode. Let's get to the mailbag. Dearest Uncle J Train, I'm here for you. I'm in need of some of your wise and nuanced advice over an issue that has been plaguing my marriage for almost a year now. Well, whenever, you know, plaguing my marriage for almost a year, I like, you know, strap in, everybody. Come on, we got a big one. This is important stuff, you know, tighten up those Me undies. Last summer, I went to my family's lake house in Northern Michigan. You know, I'm looking at Hamilton island and you listen, Northern Michigan is like some. If you don't know, you don't know. You know, it Is a beautiful place. My family went once. What was the place with no, no cars. My mom's from Michigan so we used to go so I'm gonna get a thousand DMs, no cars. It is called Michigan. All you have to do is put no cars. Michigan. Mackinac Island. Yeah, we did a family trip to Mackinac Island. That's like northern. I, I'm pretty sure that's northern Michigan. So this lake house has been in my family for over a hundred years. Oh my God. I'm sure it's awesome. And as part of a summer home association where a lot of other members are either related to me or feel like my family because of our families have known each other for generations. I this is the premise of a movie. I love this. I have lifelong friends who I've grown up with and see every summer. My husband loves this lake house. I would too. I'd marry you for the lake house. And gets along well with my friends but wasn't able to travel with me due to work. One of these lifelong friends is a guy friend. I've never been attracted to him in any way and look at him more like a relative than a friend. Listen, as someone I am the guy who is the friend to women in this way. I have female friendships that I've known since birth. I get that. Of course, since his mom and my mom are good friends there has always been the joke that he and his mom wish that I would have got him and I would have gotten married. A joke that my mom doesn't do. Well, I, I, I don't know. I, I don't like the joke if I, if I'm to be honest. Well again I'm single so I think as you get older like you know, my, the friends of my friends like this have gotten married. To make that joke would be kind of insulting but I again I don't know the context. I'm just going based line by line. Over this last summer, my guy friend and I hung out one night. It started out with dinner and drinks and with his mom. Then his mom went home and we gathered a group of people around our age and had more drinks on my front porch. As the night progressed, the group of people on my porch whittled down to just me, my guy friend, my neighbor, another man I've known my whole life. I was wearing a long body hugging dress and the conversation turned to how good I looked in the dress. At one point my guy friend looked at me and said, you've just always been hot. This is A movie. And I, I kind of shrugged off the comment and the topic conversation change. A couple of drinks later, my guy friend suggested we jump in the lake. I mean, I hope you guys have the, the lights dimmed. This is like, this is wrong. Night swimming was a tradition. We always did, so I didn't think much of it. This is, I mean, this is a movie. In my drunken haze. I agreed. And we walked down to the pier. Well, don't do. In my drunken hates. You did it your whole life. You're with a friend where there's no. A lifetime of. No. Not looking them, looking at this friend that way. You know, whether they looked at you that way is not your problem or responsibility. And to go down to do a night swim with someone you've done this with your whole life and you. Yeah, the comment makes it like, hey, maybe you should back off. I don't know. No, I don't like the. In my drunken haze. I, you know, I kind of take that. I understand what you're doing. I disagree with it. I agreed. Walked down to the pier in the pitch black. As we walked, I thought of what my husband would think if he was there and rationalized that it wasn't that big a deal since I had a bra and underwear on that provided more coverage than most of the swimsuits I own. Yeah, I think the con. It's. You're, you're connecting the dots, looking backwards. I, And I feel for you because I don't think what you're doing, considering the elements of this situation. Lifelong friends, never been. There's never been anything like, you know, we've been brothers. This is my brother. You wouldn't think of this if the, if looking forward, I can understand why this happened before I jumped in the water. I took my dress off and jumped in the lake in my underwear one time before I toweled off and put. Put my dress back on. When I told my husband about this, he was furious. He's entitled to his feelings as well. But I, I. Okay. He thinks that I'm validating my friend's desires by undressing in front of him. We had numerous arguments and calm discussions about that night. As the months have passed, I've acknowledged that my actions were wrong, but I hold firm in the fact that I didn't do anything with malicious intent. I'm. I'm with you. It's tough. This is marriage. This is, you know, you're both entitled to your feelings. If hearing this story, I would go, you know, I, I would look at the Friend differently. You know, the. The friend again. There's. There's a thing called. We call it the reveal. I've talked about it on this podcast and on you up for years. Everything is a reveal when you're vulnerable. So this guy, he did a little mini reveal. I've. You've always been hot, so now it's done. It's on the table. I have thought you were hot my whole life. Okay? Now I have to receive that information and do what I will with it. It our relationship, you and the friend. Now that the summer is coming up, he has mentioned how he wants to confront my guy friend about that night. I don't. From his end again, this guy, you know, from his end. If I'm to, you know, get inside my brain and how I would feel, I, I. Because I don't know you, it's hard for me to get angry. So I can understand. Your. Your husband's angry because this is. You're his life. You're. You're. You're the love of his life. You're who he cares for. You're who he compromises for. So he now has this guy that he has been perfectly nice to. I'm sure it sounds like he has made himself part of this community that you share. And he's like, oh, my God, this guy was just lying to me the whole time. He. And he didn't give a. About me in our relationship enough to like, tell you you're. You've always been hot, and then be like, hey, let's go skinny. Not skinny. Let's go, you know, take a dip. So, like, you have. We have to acknowledge, like, why he is so mad. And I do. I think he's not wrong. He's right. He is entitled to his anger. And he's mentioning. Wants to confront my guy friend, given that it was a drunken night and that his. This friend and I have had many innocent night swims over the years. Well, no, no, no, no, no. It's funny. You're looking back, you know, giving all this credibility. You know, you're looking back, making all this excuses, and then now you're trying to look forward, being like, well, we've had many of those innocent nights. Well, you just said. You've just apologized for your actions to me. So you do know that things have changed. I doubt that my guy friend would even remember this. See, you're. I don't know. It doesn't matter. And I feel like my husband would be starting a fight for no good reason. I would love to hear Your unbiased third party thoughts on the situation. I'm given a lot of thoughts already. How wrong was it to have. To have. How wrong was I to have done this? I don't think you were wrong. Should my husband confront my friend? I think you should confront your friend. How would you feel if you were my husband's? Positions in J Train we trust. A Midsummer night's misstep. This is really tough. I appreciate, and I'm a little. I am humbled. I hate when people say I'm humbled. I sit here looking at an island. I'm laughing at just how crazy this is. I appreciate that you sent this to me. You know, I'm not a marriage counselor. I'm not a professional. I'm just some guy you're sitting and having a couple Pinot Grigios with and giving my opinion. And I would give again. I would give. I talk about. Why would someone email me a podcaster who's half naked, sitting, looking at the ocean, and it's because I don't have to make eye contact with you. And that's a lot easier than saying this to your face. But I think this is like something I would say to you and your husband that I would say, I would sit here, King Solomon, a little bit. Again, this is why my podcast probably doesn't have a huge listenership. I'm not going to crush either of you. Let's cut the baby in half. It's a little bit of that. So let's go through your questions. Was I wrong to have done this? No. I think a lifelong friend who you trusted, who has an established relationship with you and it made you feel uncomfortable because they decided to change the, the contract on the fly. And, and, and I do think this is one of those things where, like, you look back and you go, oh, damn it, I should have seen it. And I can understand why you didn't. I, I think, you know, probably the reason you and your husband have these, like. And you said you guys have had, you know, calm discussions about that night and over the months and I'm sure it's been a long winter because you're probably having harm decisions because I'm sure your husband is like, yeah, I can understand how this all came down. It just annoys me. And, and you're saying, you know, and, and I think your husband's right to be annoyed or is an entitled. I hate to say right, because who am I to say? But I'm saying the, your, your husband, if I'm him, I'm like, this guy's been around and he's liked you. And then, you know, I think with guys we kind of know and. And, you know, we. You kind of go, oh, that friend. What's his deal? How do you. And, you know, whenever I. The male, female friendship thing, you know, whenever it's written in. It's written in immaturely. But I do think if, you know, with a lot of people, whenever I'm, like, introduced to a friend by someone I am with, I go, how'd it go down? How did. How did this friendship happen? And then I'll take it from there. Oh, you know, and if how it happened is we actually went on a few dates and we realized we were better friends than we were actually friends, that to me is totally normal. I can understand how that happens. I don't think it happens now. If every single friend of my wife was like, yeah, we used to date, and now we just have friends and we always date, I'd go, okay, we got a little bit of a thing here. Again, every situation is different. Oh, they're the birds. I hope you can hear it. I don't know. It's like a calm video. So I don't think him confronting the friend while you stand in the background, like, arms crossed, is the way to go. You have a lifelong friendship with this guy, and I think what they need to understand, I think for your husband, you go to the guy and you go, hey, man, I just have to let you know, like, this is that night has kind of affected my life and a lifelong friend, like, they would say, you know, you made a comment and whether you were drunk and remember or don't remember or whatever. But the comment was made, and I went and told my husband the story. And the more I told it, the more I felt uncomfortable with how that whole night went down. And I don't know what that does. You can't control how your friend reacts or what he's going to say. But at least you have put up the fence and you have established to your husband whose side you are on and how little this mattered to you and how much you don't care about disappointing someone who didn't care about you. And the established barriers, you know, the establish. The word I'm looking for is. Is just the. The guidelines of how you guys have had a friendship. He. He betrayed that by making a weird comment and then, hey, let's go. And it's tough to not combine the two. So I think also, like, again, this is like someone listening is saying they should go to couples therapy because if he's feeling this jealousy, then maybe there was something off the whole time. And maybe you guys have some trust issues and, and I, I wouldn't be able to deny that person. I don't think, I think, you know, it's never one thing, it's never the friend. It's always like, what is it? What? The friend brought out some sort of jealousy in the, or brought out something in this relationship. So, and maybe it's something to be talked about. Maybe, you know, your husband's not really comfortable with how you interact with some of your friends. I don't know, I don't think that based on your story. But again, you're the one telling me the story, so I don't have your husband's side. Like there isn't the follow up question. I would have, your husband is like, has have you ever felt weirdness with your wife and how she's, she is with friends? Like when alcohol comes out, do you feel that you are second bananaed to, you know, a friend and there's flirty things going on? I don't know, I'm not, I'm bringing these up because they could be brought up. I don't think it's the case. I think going to this friend of a lifelong friendship and being like, hey, you know, I trusted that based on our years of friendship that I wouldn't get this like flirty vibe from you. And I kind of got it that night and then we went to the lake and we did a night swim and I just want to let you know, before this summer gets started, like this relationship, the dynamic here is going to be different. That's, I, and I don't think your husband, when your husband goes to him, it comes across like, you know, you know, I'm going to go get your bully. Like, I don't know. I, I think because you have this lifelong friendship with this guy and maybe the guy, you know, what I would hope is the guy goes to your husband and like apologizes. You know, that would be the manly, appropriate lifelong friend thing to do. Hey man, I, you know, betrayed the trust of our lifelong friendship. And I, I know that the story came back to you and it made you feel uncomfortable and, and you would hope the guy would be like, and that would make me uncomfortable too. Like, I, I, that's kind of, that is my hope. As a result, like the best case scenario is this guy kind of like sits up and goes, I screwed up. I, I said something that was wrong and let me Go to your husband and tell him how. How sorry I'm. And I'm gonna have to earn his trust and your trust back. And that's how it works. You go. You guys go to a different place. The relationship's different now. That's my feeling. I. I appreciate you sending me this email, considering it's about your marriage and it's a serious subject. And you see, based on this email, I don't, you know, again, the whole marriage counseling, is this like a. Is this the symptom, not the, you know, the actual root of the issue? That could be something, but in my eyes, it's you talking to this friend. Hey, I need to, you know, can we get a coffee? I just got to talk to you. I have this thing that's been on my mind. J train podcast gmail.com. if you have an email, we need emails. Yeah. Jtrain podcast gmail.com. send in your email. I know a lot of people just sit and maybe there's something on your mind. I don't know what it is. Were sponsored by Factor. You know, I'm gonna be doing Factor when I get back. I'm telling you right now. They send me stuff all the time. I've done it before. I think this is a great way. It's a meal service, and you heat it right up. It goes in the microwave. It's like a TV dinner. They probably wouldn't want me to call it a TV dinner, but it's a healthy TV dinner. What is the pros of a TV dinner? You know why people were, like, actually, like, back in the day? You know, be like, they eat these. You ever look at those old TV dinners, and it's like, you know, it's like meatloaf with the potatoes. But it was the right portions. That's why people back then, like, looked the way they did. They were, you know, they were, you know, skinny rails because, you know, you'd eat the right amount. That's what Factor is going to do for you. It's a microwave. Two minutes. Or heat them up in a skillet. I do the skillet because I don't have a microwave. You're saving tons of time and fueling your body for whatever the day has in store. Okay? So I will say they're delicious meals. They're the right portions. And here's the thing about being healthy is all you want is creativity. That's what keeps you healthier longer. 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Jared, thank you for all that you do. Clarifying the male mind. I try my best hoping you can bring help me with my situation. I'll jump right in. My boyfriend and I see we got serious relationship with real issues. J Train podcast. Com keep sending them in. My boyfriend and I've been together for six months. I'm 31, he's 41. Okay, so I am the guy to talk to. I'm a 40 year old dude. I would date a 31 year old. It feels like my timeline readiness is very ahead of him on all aspects. So he is 41 and chilling. Basically. I have put a lot of thought into what I want and I'm looking for and he has not. Sounds familiar. Obviously part of this is my biological clock. Well, even without the biological clock, you're a 31 year old adult who's got plans. I got things to do. That's all that's. And it's. I know the biological clock. You know, we all bring it up. I do as as part of the reason. But I don't think you're, you have to even. I don't think you have to even like, you know, take away, you know, you don't have to take away from your own feelings of like I want my life to move on. Listen, that's okay. So they've used. So obviously part of this is my biological. So I'm going to like describe this email. I can tell this person's on the ball just by they have bullet points in their email. Here's bullet point one. I was thinking I would move in with him in July when my lease Ends this would be about a year in. He doesn't know yet if he would feel ready in July. Okay. Already you've already told him I want to move in with you. And he's saying I'm not ready. Now. That's not bullet point. That's more feelings. You know, it is interesting. I'm, I'm, I'm putting this again as I do on this show. I'm just talking to you as I read these. It is funny that she's like, I got a plan. She's not wrong. She's absolutely correct. I'm 31. I am ready to move in with this guy who I really like a lot. Fine. And he is telling you I might not be ready in July. Which now we've gone from a bullet point on a list to our emotions are not in the same place. And that's the hard part is the. It is the romantic and the logical. That is the. That is the frap. That is the smoothie that relationships are. There's a cup called relationship and the smoothie is a mix of logical and romantic. And the logical is we've been together six months. The lease ends at the end of the year. I'd like to move in with the romantic is. I would like to move in with you. Second bullet point. His engagement timeline is three to four years. Mine is two years. He yours. My. You have thought again like you said, you've thought this out. When he says three to four years. No, that is an answer he gave you to shut you up. And I'm. I'm giving you. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I'm just telling you he doesn't know if he wants kids. No, no, no. And she writes. She writes. I do. He said the thought of it freaks him out, but he is open to it. He's 41 years old. Okay? And listen, men think they're 27 forever, which this guy seems to obviously really think I'm saying this at 40. If I'm with someone I love, I'm sprinting. Sprinting. And I have this conversation with myself if I'm not sprinting now, why I need to adjust. I need to think about how I feel about this person. Am I. And now am I wasting their time where we are on bullet point two of four. And I am. It's going to hard. It's going to be difficult to get me back from. He's wasting your time. I'm just letting you know he doesn't know if he. Oh no, we're on Bull. That was bullet. Kids freak him out and he's open to it. Was bullet point three. He says he. Here's bullet point four. He says he didn't expect to have to be talking about this six months into a relationship. Well, then he's out of his fucking mind. I'm sorry, I. We disagree. And listen, as you can tell, I mean, I hope by the way I read the first email, I'm not here to like crush dudes. I'm here to be honest with you. And to me, if six months in, he's not thinking about that with you, he's just not thinking about that with you. And that's. I think that's your answer. Note that everything is great otherwise. No, you. You know what's great? The easiest parts of a relationship. That's great. Going to dinner, hanging out, laughing. You're not a partnership. It's just two people fucking. If we were both a few years younger, it would be a non issue. No, it wouldn't. I don't think it would. I don't think this has to do with age at all. I think, and I think, let me empathize with his side. The way you've put this, I would take a minute, and this is me feedback to you. Take a minute to think, do you like this guy or is he solving a bullet point for you? Like, do you really like this guy? You say everything is great with someone. Who said who? You say, I want kids and he says the thought of it freaks him out. That didn't turn you off at all. That didn't make you look at him a different way. That didn't turn you off to him as a person. And if it didn't, I would think, well, maybe you don't want kids because it's, maybe it's not that important to you. Because if something was really important to me and my future, if I'm trying to think of what would be important to me in my future, if I was like, like, I want, I don't know now, now I'm doing my own bit of therapy. I'm just like, is anything important to me? If somebody, if someone just didn't care about the things that I really care about, I would go, oh, I would be like, I would see them a different way. I, I think I would. So when you say like, I, he doesn't, he doesn't know if he wants kids. I do. Okay. I like, if someone was like, I really love children, I want to have two of my own and I want to have a family and move to the suburbs. And then someone's like, that freaks me out. I. Okay, I'll give an example that's not like this. But it was annoying to me yesterday. I'm gonna. I'm in Adelaide. I did the show in Adelaide. It was a 3pm show. I'll probably retell this story on Coffee with J Train. Join the Patreon. Patreon.com Jared Freed five bucks a month. The Coffee with J Train. I've gotten like, amazing feedback. They're just like, I don't know. I. My, my dad's listening to him and I think he's like, he's being, he's. Our calls are different now. He's like, how you doing, champ? Like, he's, he's treating me with kid gloves because I think he knows that I'm having like a little bit of a hard time out here. So I, here's my thought. I'm in Adelaide. I go to the. Do the show at 3pm and then after the show, I took pictures and everyone was incredibly nice. The show, it was, it was my favorite of the week. But it was also because I had kind of figured out how I wanted to do the shows in Australia. I had confidence. I, you know, there was no, like, second guessing. Do references work. And that's a little bit in my head and I wish I didn't have that. But like show one, you go, oh, you kind of, you kind of tremble a little bit on a couple lines because you're like, well, they get this. And then they do. And then you don't say them as well as you'd like to. So those are all things for me. After the pictures, there's a couple women hanging around. They're like, hey, we're going to like the, the. It's the Fringe Festival, which my show was a part of. And they have these big outdoor, you know, food areas. Do you want to come? And I was like, yeah, I'll walk. And I walk with them and a guys that. Two guys that have been listening since the TFM days, they're probably listening right now. Those guys were awesome. The two guys and their buddy, who I could tell there was two guys that listened and the other guy was there and they were all very nice. And so us five, we all. Or us six, we all go to these grounds and we're kind and I'm like, hungry because it's three o'clock show. I didn't eat before. I, I don't like to eat before I go on stage. And then they're like, what do you want to get? And I'm like, I. I. You know, it's a little awkward because it's like, I'm with these two women and the three guys, and I'm like, are we all gonna eat dinner together? Like, you're, like, wondering how this is gonna play out. The guys are listening right now. Those guys are great. I. I really can't tell you how awesome it was. Like, you know, he had questions about the podcast. I loved it. I loved it. But I'm like, are we gonna, like, eat together? Is this am I? And, like, I'm. I'm the only thing that brings this group together. It's a lot of pressure on me. I gotta keep the conversation in the air. And at one point, I look over, and again, I look over, and they. So I'll tell this story fuller on Coffee with J. Trump, but here's what annoyed me. I go, they had banh M, and banh M is a Vietnamese sub. And I've been wanting a banh mi. I've had a craving for banh M because the Asian food here is so awesome, and I haven't had one yet. And I might get one in Sydney once I go back to Sydney before I leave and I get, well, the spoiler alert. I didn't get one because I go, oh, I. I think I'm gonna bond me. And one of the women who's at the show, she goes, I can't remember what she said. And I'm not sure if this is, like, how bad this is or how, you know, racist this is, because it does sound pretty right? She was like, oh, we call that, like, a dog meat dog or a dog sub. And I was like, oh. I was like. And I go, why? And she goes, yeah, because it's like, dog. We're not sure if it's dog meat. And I'm like, well, thanks for, like, ruining the thing I really wanted. Like, I was turned off to the conversation. I was like. And I like these two women. I. You know, I. And I ended up eating, and I. I go, way to yuck my yum. Like, I was just like. I was kind of annoyed. And I say this all to be like, I did care about having a banh Mi. I like a ban me. I think it's offensive to say that it might be dog meat. I think they're a delicious sandwich. The. And again, like, are you. Oh, the birds, man. They even told me they're like, keep your door shut. You don't want the birds Getting in the house. Can you imagine wake up to a bunch of fucking birds. So this is all to say when you said, I'm talking about a sandwich and I was turned off to someone not seeing the future with my sandwich that I had, you didn't feel any turn off to this person? And you and him together when he was like, kids are icky, they freak me out. Like, again, like he's allowed entitled to that position. But when do your feelings get changed? Do they ever? Will they ever? Or is he just a solution to your problem, which is that I'm ready to be married, I'm 31, and I have a bunch of boxes to check. That's my feedback to you. So when you say, note that everything else is great, otherwise, I don't think it is, I think you're ignoring your own feelings. If we were both a few years younger would be a non issue. No, it wouldn't. He'd give you the same answer about something else. It'd be about, oh, six months in, hang with your friends. I don't know. I don't meet the friends until I'm two years in. I don't know what to do. Do I just need to just chill out? No, you, you want these things in your tummy. You got a little rumbling. Hey, I want to move in with you. I think you would be great to move in with, to live with. And now he's going, I don't know, I'm not there yet. And it's like, now you have to look in the mirror and go, what would turn me off anything? Or do I cut my losses and look for someone who is more sure? I think this is more your issue. How long do I wait? I think you stop waiting. I think you have to acknowledge your own feelings. I think your issue is, do I cut my law? You're thinking of a person as like. As like, what do you. Doge. What are you, Elon Musk? I gotta cut the fat on this, on this operation. I gotta get to moving. Like, I. I just think you're. I think it's a little bit of both. Again, cut the baby in half. That's why this podcast isn't, you know, isn't viral. I'm telling you right now, it's a little you. It's a lot him. You're not the match. Okay? And I think the little you is saying, you got to get more romantic and a little less logical because I do think it's holding you back. And I. And I'm getting more serious than Maybe you would think I would get with this. And I see this about myself. I'm speaking to me, Jared. The more logical I get, the more I don't really get intimate with someone, the more I don't really get to know them. The more they don't get to know me, the less vulnerable I am. So I'm saying to you, you are holding back whether you think you are or not, because you are putting someone onto your page of notes and on your checklist and you know, and then they're feeling that. And because of that, you're probably just not even. You're saying everything's great otherwise. No, it's not. So that's my thoughts and I hope. Listen, you could do whatever the fuck you want. I'm just saying how do all. How long do I wait? I think make a list of how do you feel about this person? And cut the shit with like. Because I. I do. I said this in the beginning of this email. If I was. I. I do believe. And I think it's hard for me to get there. Easier said than done. I would be sprinting at six months in. There is no too soon. It doesn't. I think you got your answer to how they feel about you, and I think your answer to how you feel about them is a little bit more difficult to unpack. It's. They might just be a solution to your problem. And I would. I would address that. All right. Mailbag Monday from the great Hamilton Island. I'll be back tomorrow with ticked off Tuesday. Boom.