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It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming alive from Kansas City, Missouri. That's right, every Monday is a mail bag where you, the listener, email me the comedian with your questions. Anything you'd like, anything, anything you want advice on, anything you want to hear an unbiased voice from. That's my job here. Look at it from as many angles as I can to give you a person. I'm giving you me. And I'm not saying better, worse than anyone else. I'm giving you the ability to ask someone what they think. And they're not going to be softening. They're not going to be, well, they're not going to know your background. They're not going to know anything really about you except the problem. And that's why we don't trust a lot of the people that give us advice or, oh, you knew me in high school. I'm not that way anymore. And we don't trust the source. So I have no reason to lie to you. I'm just the guy sitting here on a highway, Spring Hill Suites in Kansas City, Missouri, dealing with your issue. If you want to email the podcast, I love your emails, relationships, friend advice, parents, anything you're going through, just any perspective, send it in j train podcast, gmail.comj train podcastmail. I feel a little bit, a little bit all over, all over the place as I start up here. So happy Monday to you. I have some time off, so if you came to the shows in Kansas City. Thank you. If you are new here, I. It's a daily podcast. The promise is a 20 minute minimum. We do have ads. I do have a Patreon. I do have an Instagram account, I do have a YouTube account. I consider support of those things a payment for the show in any way. Even liking the post on the J Train Instagram account, I consider that like throwing a dollar in the tip jar. So any way you want to help, you know, encourage people to listen, make your Instagram story, follow the YouTube, go watch. And, and again, like, I hate the word support because I'm, I'm putting stuff there, I'm putting up new stand up. Every Saturday there's a new stand up clip from Saturday that's just waiting for you. And yeah, I mean, I got three emails in front of me, three advice emails. They seem pretty, you know, I, I only, I Read them with you. So if you're new here, I read the advice emails with you when I react to them as you're getting a chance to hear them. So this is all to say, I'll read an email, I'll do an ad, I'll read an email, I'll do. And then we'll do the last email. I mean, there's no other ads other than my shows. I am coming. I get a little break here. So I'm gonna be. If you're listening to this, I'm in Delray Beach, Florida. I'm sitting by the the ocean staring out little tear going down my cheek. I don't know why I'm sad. In this scenario, coming to Richmond, Virginia, that's a club weekend. So it'll be in a club. That's what a club weekend means, Jared. It'll be, you know, it's not in the theater. We're preparing for the theater show and it's the table for one tour. It's all about going to Europe alone. That's the show. And I'm figuring out, you know, it's a good hour, but it's not. I'm trying to sew it together a little bit now. So Richmond, D.C. milwaukee, Minneapolis, Chicago, D. Charlotte, Fort Lauderdale, Miami just added Miami. Fort Lauderdale and Miami are both Thanksgiving weekends. So if you're going to visit family during that time, might be a good chance to get the family out of the house and do something different. Detroit, Columbus, Orlando, San Diego. That takes us out to 2026. Weirdly, I mean, I mean, this year is flying by. Hopefully at some point a special comes out. It's done, it's taped, it's ready. I got a book coming out, a lot of exciting book stuff going on. This book is done and maybe this is a coffee with J Train topic. If you're sign up for Patreon, you can hear my views and thoughts on the Jimmy Kimmel stuff. Going to Winnipeg, meeting some of you after the shows in Winnipeg, going golfing in Winnipeg. All fun stuff. Patreon.com Jared Freed Everything that I talk about here as far as following is concern and supporting the show and signing up is in the description of the episode. Okay, that's enough out of me. Let's get to you. Let's read your emails. I got three emails, one sponsor. And again, the deal with the sponsors. If they can help you, you use the code, you know, like I want. I'm not sitting here being like, buy something you don't need. That's not my that's not my viewpoint here. And the sponsor this week is Vuori, which I love their stuff. I, I kind of like back away from Vuori. I never really gotten into it. They sent me their shorts. Their shorts. Let's just get the ad out of the way. Let's just get. When you're running between work, the gym and after hours drinks, you don't always have time to go home and change. Vuori is here to make sure you look amazing no matter what, where you're going. Fury activewear is designed to look great beyond the gym. The performance joggers are a definite staple. I love the joggers. My mom is a fashionista of sorts. They got by her. She looked at those joggers, she's like, those are nice joggers. Part of Vori's dream knit collection. Their fabric is the softest thing you'll ever touch. Great for flying, great travel pants. I. And the shorts are just fantastic. I like the underwear built in. It's great. Good for the gym. All that in between stuff, getting coffee, going to the bank, all that stuff. You're. You might be like the bank. I go to the bank still. Vuor's also got hoodies. I thought it was like goodies. Got, got hoodies, jackets, button downs, shorts, even swimwear. So your whole wardrobe will be crazy comfortable and built to move. Vuori is an investment in your happiness. J train F get 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet@vuori.com J train that's V U-O-R-I.com Jtrain exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Not only will you get. Well, not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but enjoy free shipping on any US order over $75 and free returns. That's a big deal. Vori.comj train and discover the versatility of Vori clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Okay, now we're all, now we get all cream. It's all show from here on out. Take a sip of my lobby coffee. I don't, I like a lobby coffee. I, you know the Marriott Bonvoy lobby coffee. Not bad. But I'm also putting sweet and low in there. So it's like I'm having like a. It. I don't know, I don't know if that's like, I don't know if I've met a coffee connoisseur that would know that game and be like Like, I would love to meet someone who I do enjoy. Someone who knows what they're talking about. That sounds crazy, but I think, you know, if someone's into coffee, I'm like, tell me what it is. This good? Is this bad? All right, I'm off the rails. Here we go. Jared, big fan of the pod. Excited to hear your. Your hear. You taped a new special. Yes, I did. Maybe this is from a little while ago because we need some emails. J Train podcast at gmail dot com. My boyfriend have been together for about nine months. We are both around 40. These are very important numbers here. If you're not. This is the thing. We have to live in the same reality. You have to. I have to let you know if you hear. We've been together nine months and we're both around 40. And you don't think that's like, that is not the same as. We've been together two years and we're both 23. That changes everything. That's why we can do the same email but have the, like, same problem. Different ages, different email. There would be completely different answers. We're having a great summer. Things are getting more serious. Okay, so we're winding down the summer. Both 40, about nine months. Which means they got together. Let's call it. Was it January? Maybe the beginning of the year. I have two male friends that are making me feel weird or. Well, I missed the line. Here's my issue. We're both 40. I'm sorry, I'm. I'm fucking around here. We're both having a great. We're having a great summer. Things are getting more serious. Here's my issue. I have two male friends that are making me feel weird. The one has been around for about 10 years. We dated when we first met, but it didn't go anywhere. He's respectful of the fact that I have a boyfriend. If he sends a text, I can ignore him for a few days. The other guy is from work. We used to just talk at work and every once in a while he'd send a text. But he took a job in the company at another branch recently, and he's always calling and texting now, even at night and on weekends. Interesting. Here's. Here's the thing. The texting. Like, we are the test generation. We are the beta version, especially around 40, around my age. So we don't really have like this. Like, we have some data, but we don't know really. I'm sure there's someone who knows. I'm sure there's someone Studying this. But I'm saying as far as like mainstream, widely known, we don't know the effect of all these things. Why we need connection via text in the way we need it. Because like, you go, you tell me you have two male friends. These are two different types of dudes that I can kind of understand. You have the one that you dated 10. Well, you say that you have one that's a male. Two male friends making you feel weird. One's been around for 10 years and he dated. And now I'm assuming he's still single. Let me get ahead because I can see something that might be important. So then you have the second friend who changed departments at work and now he's texting you. He's calling and texting, even at night and on weekends. He's married. She writes, I can't imagine the wife would love this. Which means she knows the wife wouldn't love it. It feels secretive. I don't like it. And I've explained to him, my boy, I've explained him to my boyfriend who's not being weird or jealous or anything. But I'm not trying to look like the red flag here with these two guys popping up on my phone. I get that. What do I do about these dummies? Okay, this is pretty vague. So I, I, and we, we know that I'm going to assume the one from 10. So she's got two guys, guy from 10 years ago, they used to date, let's say he's still single because she never mentioned his status. Then another married guy from work that she's texting with. And here's the thing, nine months in, and this is where this sounds, this would sound tough, this would be tough to explain to your girlfriend or boyfriend of nine months. But there is this, like, I gotta put to bed all these people that kind of kept me in business until I found a real tried and true relationship. You gotta keep the lights on. And what do I mean? And this is a little gross because I'm saying this as a single guy and I notice it with myself that the text conversations you're keeping up when you're single, that you don't plan on acting on, that you don't plan on making long term relationships you're doing selfishly because it's either do that or talk to nobody. It's I, and, and when I, when I say keep the lights on, you're keeping the lights on. You're keeping, you know, your emotional stability, your confidence, your ego open for business. You're keeping it up. You're keeping wind in the sails of your. And this is like the hard part of getting older and being single. And I actually think a lot about, like, before the Internet, before texting, if you were to stay single later in life, how much harder that was, because who are you keeping up with? Who are you talking to on a daily basis? You know, like, the text is this slow drip of. And if you're in a relationship, you might hear this. Like, this is sad. I can understand that too. But the texting is like a slow drip of connection. And that's what your friend, you know, your friend of 10 years who's single, who you used to date way back when you say we're friends, but also you have that history. So part of the. What he gets from that is woman that I find attractive, who at some point found me attractive, is texting me back and giving me attention. Attention feels good. Now I do understand the awkwardness. And then the guy who's married, he's looking for something he's not getting from his wife, which is excitement. You are a source of excitement. You are not his friend. I don't believe it might lean into friend territory. It might feel friendly. But if you're not going to his home and hanging out with him and his wife, which I don't believe you are when you say he's married, I can't imagine the wife would love that you guys are texting. I would assume you are someone that is not a real friend. And. And this. And this is where I come back to putting these. Here's where I come back to putting it to bed. You were doing the same thing as them for some amount of time. You texted with the guy who's. The guy at work, who's married, because it gave you the boost that these guys are getting from you. And now that you have a relationship, you're kind of seeing it, and you're saying, I don't want to be the red flag here. You're not. The red flag keeps it going forever as they date someone and get more serious. You're seeing it. It takes time to see it. I've had this. I've been in relationships where I'm like, I gotta explain. These people that are really unexplainable, we don't get together, we don't hang out, we don't even hook up. But we keep texting, we keep in touch. They're not work people. They're not even people I need. And that's how these relationships evolve. At some point, you do got to grow up and evolve and, and, and grow out of these things. And I think you're feeling that that's why you're writing to me. So I think when you say, I've explained him to my boyfriend, I've explained him. You mentioned the married guy, but also the. I think both of these guys that make you feel weird. I think part of the weirdness is you might feel some guilt that you're like, oh, I, maybe I didn't. Maybe I kind of felt they, you know, I made them more important than they actually were. But they were important. You can own the fact that like these relationships helped me to where I am today, kept me going when things were a bit lonely, and now I found a person that I'm really trying to get to know. And I would say these texting relationships get in the way even a little bit. Not a lot, but enough of you and this new person that you're getting to know and you're nine months in with, I think it deserves a breakup. With the two guys you're texting, as weird and hard as that is, as difficult as that's going to be, because you will feel bad. Hey, man, I know we've been texting for 10 years and we have a long history. I'm getting in a new relationship and I do feel a little bit like this is holding me back. That is hard to text. I'm even saying it and I'm like, get me away. I get it. But they served a purpose and it's a purpose you don't have a need for anymore. You don't need them. Fly away, bird, you're free. And I, I do think when you say like, I don't want to be the red flag, it's like, it's more like I don't want to have anything in the way of me and this new boyfriend finding this, you know, having a full on relationship so that I don't want to have like looking at my phone and turning it over real quick. I don't want to have to go. Because these text relationships, what happens when you get in a relationship is when you get in a real relationship, these texting people, they, they come out of nowhere and you go, oh, I should have gotten ahead of that. Now you feel like you're lying, but you're not. So I think it deserves a breakup. I think the married guy, you got to say, hey, it's real. And I think also appreciating that you were part of this, that might, that's the hard part, but also the part that if you own. And I'm sure there's some fear of, like, well, they're going to hold it against me. Like, well. And when you own it, you go, hey, I've really enjoyed talking to you over the years. I'm in a new relationship right now, and I'm realizing I don't have time for other conversations with people I don't get together with that I don't have plans with. I mean, and they will run away. They'll scurry. That's what these guys tend to do. Because I don't think your friend of 10 years with the other relation that you guys that you dated is going to go, oh, no, I'll come over, maybe. Maybe. He says, listen, I. It would be weird. It would be. It would be. I wouldn't believe it, but it could happen on. In a list of answers that are possible. He says, no, I want to get to know your new boyfriend and let's all get together. And that's a different story. That's a. That's a. That's a different. That's a different email. But the married guy, you're going to say, hey, I'm trying to, like, get to know my new boyfriend. And these other text conversations with people that I don't really get involved with in person are a little bit distracting. So I just want to say I wish you the best and good luck with everything, but I would really appreciate if we kind of, like, didn't check in with each other so often or I apologize if I'm not going to get back to you, but this isn't my priority. This isn't my priority. It's a good text, I think. Tough. Jtrain podcast gmail.com jtrain podcastmail.com I love this. People writing in about dating trends. This is a great email, Jared. I'm seeing this date them till you hate them theory and it's all over TikTok. So that's pretty. I like that you're bringing a TikTok thing to the J Train podcast. Apparently I haven't seen this and I'm on dating TikTok. Apparently the idea is stay in a relationship and let small annoyances, frustrations, even disrespect be. Let me read this again. Apparently, the idea so date them till you hate them. Apparently the idea is stay in a relationship and let the apparently the idea is stay in a relationship and let small annoyances, frustrations, and even disrespect accumulate until you reach a breaking point where you can't anymore. They put in quotes. Instead of openly confronting issues or clearly ending things, people ride it out until feeling sour. I disagree with this date them till you hate them theory completely. And I'm saying this as a maturing 40 year old man. I get why people are doing this. They're doing this because they're insecure. That's why this exists. They want to get so angry that they can end something with someone without ever thinking, well, what could have been. They don't trust their own instincts enough to to break up with someone who makes them feel just okay. So they're waiting for all these things to build up so that they have a good reason for ending a relationship that they can always look back at and go, that's why I ended it. I think this is a very immature, not brave way to go through life now. And I only say this like, listen, small annoyances, frustrations, that's a relationship. You're working that out. You're trying to figure out where you and this other person mesh and where you need to like take the slack. And they needed to take the slack. That's called meeting each other, getting to know one another. But to say you're taking disrespect without confronting it, accumulate until you reach a breaking point where you quote unquote, can't anymore. Instead of openly confronting issues. I believe that $5 problems become thousand dollar problems. That the more you ignore a $5 problem, the more you say that $5 problem because I've done this. Suddenly you're sitting at a thousand dollar problem and you can't afford the tap. So what this is doing is this is a date them till you hate them theory is a great way to avoid being in a serious relationship. This is a great way to always be right. And I just think they write, I'm curious your thoughts on this. I'm currently dating someone who's giving me the ick. And when I read about this trend, I thought it was actually dumb. Do you think trends like this just validate bad dating habits or is there something useful about naming this pattern? I don't think, I think this is giving a cute name to hey, I don't talk to my partner to figure things out. And I've done that. And what happens when you don't talk to your partner to figure things out? You put you at. You make a list in the back of your head so that you have a glass you can break in case of emergency and the emergency is, oh my God, I've gotten close with someone and I have to move on to the next spot in life. This is avoiding maturing. This is avoiding. And I've done that. I mean, I remember I was on, I did, you know, talking about the shows. Thanks for all you do. Can't wait to see in Richmond. I can't wait to be in Richmond. I'm very excited, I would say. I remember I was thinking a lot when I was like abroad and I was alone and I'm like thinking of, like my dating life. And I wrote down, I was like, it's the confidence. And it's like, I do think moving into the next space of life takes a certain amount of confidence. And when you bring up these problems head on, hey, I have a real issue with the way whatever your little tiny, you know, like when you come at someone with your small annoyances, that's getting ahead of it, becoming, oh, my God, I can't be with this person anymore. That's you working on being in a relationship, wanting to be in a more mature place. That's the work. When you say, I'll ignore it, I'll ignore it. I'll ignore it. That's putting it off for another day so that it becomes so big that it can't be cleaned up anymore. And that's why. So it's these people basically saying, I don't want to be wrong when I end this and be accused of having a fear of commitment, so I'll do the date them until you hate them theory because then no one can poke holes in why I ended it. J train podcast@gmail.com jtrain podcastmail.com let's do one more. We're already through the ads. If you're this far in, why don't you go join the Patreon. Patreon.com Jared Freedom talked about Winnipeg, talked about New York, and I had a hotel thing happen. Question slash. Oh, okay. I moved ahead for some. Jared, huge fan. My mailbag Monday question came to me when listening to a recent episode where you discussed your mom wanting to move tables before listening to you tell the story. I thought my in laws were the only people who did this. I think moving tables is like, this is a. I think this is like you age into this. You go, I know what I like and this table is not where I'm going to be comfortable. And I get that. That's okay. It was one of the only things that really bothered me about my in laws, who I generally like and get along great with some background. My husband, 32, and I 31 have been together for 10 years, married for three. I am from LA. I'm not Jewish. My husband and his family are from Westchester, New York and Jewish. I have been on multiple family vacations, visited them for holidays and overall really like my husband's parents and I know they like me. Great. My question advice, My question slash advice is that when we go out to a restaurant, my mother in law will often request to move tables. Okay. Before I. There are things that I watch my mom do that I like. I see people react to her and I realize that like that's not how everyone. That's not a fun day for everyone. So like I'm not like if someone gets like some people, they're just like their bot. Their, their stomachs are like coming out of their assholes when they experience certain personalities. I get that. My mother in law will often request to move tables before meeting her. I had never seen or been with anyone who asked to move tables at a restaurant and had even thought this was an option. Everything's an option. You, I mean, you're not trapped in this. Okay. The first time it happened, I was so extremely embarrassed, but thought it was a one time thing. It is not. Every time it happens, I feel so much embarrassment and I often feel anxious. So I've witnessed people react to my mom this way where they're like, they get anxious. Anxious is a proper word, embarrassed in any but embarrassment. But also in this anxiety of like, oh my God, I have moved things around in a way that didn't need to be moved and like I might have just become like numb to this because I do get that feeling sometimes I'm like, we're doing this and I just walk away. But thought it was a one time thing. It's not. Every time it happens, I feel so much embarrassment. And I often feel anxious when we first get to a table. Knowing what may happen. I know this is not something that will change and I would never say anything to my in laws about it. My husband is not a fan of it either, but shrugs it off as something his mom just does. Yeah, I think I'm probably in his boat. But hearing your story is making me realize maybe this behavior is more of a cultural difference. It could be. I would love to hear your thoughts on this and any advice on how I can get over this embarrassment I feel when this happens. Thanks. And thank you for having an episode every day. Well, of course. Thank you for listening. I, you know, there's a couple things you can do. One you have to. I, you Know, when it comes to, like, am I being annoying? You can play it out in the court of public opinion. Now, there's different ways to move tables. If you get to a table and everyone takes their napkins out and everyone puts them on their lap and they make a huge mess, and, you know, you spill a bunch of water on it, then you move. To me, there's levels to these things. Moving tables is not all created equal. If that happens and you move, you go. I feel bad. I don't want the restaurant to have more work. But if you get to a table, and here's what my family does, I never sit down at a table unless my mom says, let's sit. Like, let's just get ahead of it. I get to a table. When I get led to a table, I wait. And I think that's worth the, like a. The saved embarrassment. The maybe I'll mess up a table that we're not going to sit at. So I think for you, there's two things you can do. One, you get to a restaurant, go to the bathroom right away, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. Go wash your hands. That's a great way to get away from it. And you can come back to, where are we? That's kind of the move. When you get to the restaurant, hey, guys, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Going to go wash my hands. Let them take care of it. This is obviously something that's important to them. Let it be important to them, not important to you. The embarrassment angle, I can't tell you how to feel, but a restaurant is there to serve you. That doesn't mean to be impolite, but that also, that's. This is what happens at a restaurant. Hey, we're going to sit here. Hey, do you have another table? We kind of don't like this table. We kind of want a different spot. Okay, no problem. I don't think if you took exception with that, if you thought these people are bad people, I would say that you if your response to, hey, can we move the table over there? We don't want to sit over here. And it's. You're able to do it. I don't think. I think saying that those are bad people. And again, I guess I am biased in this case because I don't think my family's bad people. But I think making them into a morality thing is because you have your own issues. You work at a restaurant where people are going to like and not like their table. You're there to serve it's a service industry now. I've had instances where you go to a restaurant. I got something in my eye. I've had cases where I go to a restaurant. They go, we can't seat you there. And then we go, but we, there's open seats there. And they go, we just can't. And you go, well, we'd still. Is there any reason? They go, just can't. And you go, well, that's not really how discussion goes. Like, shouldn't we talk this out now? If they said we don't have the wait staff, we're covering this section. Oh, okay, I get it now. I don't, you know, it's okay to explain. I don't know. I don't work here. Oh, no, we can't sit people in that section because the waiter just took off and we have this very specific way we do the room. Fine, I get that. Again, this is all moving. Experiences are not created equal. Just because you moved doesn't make you an asshole. Just because you can't move someone doesn't mean you're not doing your job right. This is all, you know, fair. But my advice to you, because you're not going to fix this, you're not going to change your mother in law. Hey, where's, Where's Cindy, whatever your name. I don't have your name. She went to the bathroom, wash her hands. And so take it from me, I have learned at 40, I mean, I've been doing this for years. I get to the table, I clap my hands, I go, this looks great. And then my mom gets there, she goes, this is horrific. And then I go, let's get moving. And I don't sit until I am told to sit. A great way to not have to like, witness this whole occasion. Hey, I gotta go wash my hands. Let me know when the dust is settled. And you tell me where to sit. Because that's the beauty of not caring is it doesn't matter to me. Wherever we sit, I'll be happy. That makes you easy. Some people have a real opinion on where they sit. They're difficult. I would say they probably more often than not own that. They're difficult. If they don't, that makes them annoying, right? If I'm difficult about certain things, this is not one of those things. But I would say to you, I'm gonna go wash my hands. Let me know when the dust settles. Great way to get away. And listen, maybe you have kids. I'm gonna bring my kid. Hey, a great way to teach your kid, wash their hands before dinner. You're 32, 31, so maybe you don't have kids. Hey, so this can be a lifetime thing. As your kids get older, they go, you know, it was nice that you told me to wash my hands. You know why? Because you're grandma is a pain in the fucking ass. That's how you learned how to wash your hands. So I love this question. Thank you for writing in Mailbag Monday, back next week, boom.