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The JTrain Podcast
They canceled our date because I was 15 min late? Were they being too harsh? - MONDAY MAILBAG
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It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is Jay Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Dallas, Texas. That's right, every Monday is a mailbag Monday, the listener. Email me the comedian with your questions, anything you'd like, anything you're going through. Let's, let's hear it out. Sometimes I've been told that writing it is all that someone needed to do. Writing the email and then they hit send and it's anonymous and I'll get back to them. So send your problems, friendship, relationship, anything. We, we love just stories we love real things going on in your life that you just like to hear someone give their opinion on you without knowing you. That's kind of the power of this show. And I'm going to be as reasonable as I can be. You know, if you're new here, you're getting to know me. If you know me and you've been here a bit, then you know what type of advice you're going to get. J train podcast, gmail.com. i mean, I will look at the first email. Jared, love your pod. Seeing you at the seller. Been a fan since college, 10 plus years. That truly means the world to me. I have been hearing that back a lot lately. I'm, I'm feeling my age. A lot of shows I'm going to and I'm hearing back from people. This is my fourth time, third time seeing you. I, I, you know, I used to come when I was single, my friends, I'm here with my boyfriend or husband and her fiance. Just very gratifying, very cool. It shows. You know, it does make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm, I'm, I'm doing comedy in the way that is very me. And I'm, I'm happy. It's an honor. I'm doing an honest pursuit. I think in the world of comedy right now, in the world of content, the, the, the rage bait is, is, is at an all time high because there is incentive. And I'm happy that I'm doing things my way. You know, as much as, you know, I'd love J Train to be like huge, but we're gonna, we, we, we try to climb every day. And on that subject, if you have someone to share the show with, I would love you to share the show. This is a daily show. This is, I get it. Not every day is for Everyone. But maybe there's a email here that relates to something you and your friends spoke about. I would love for you to send this to that friend. I'm on the road. I'm going back. Beech Mountain, North Carolina is happening on my birthday weekend. So I'll be celebrating my birthday in the mountains of North Carolina. Would love for you to come. Beach Mountain, Vancouver, Seattle. We added a second show. Salt Lake City, Tempe, Arizona, Los Angeles. So I want you guys to come to the shows, assemble the group chat. We're heading towards the. I'll probably add more dates. I mean, I'll definitely add more dates. There's gonna be some book touring. Yes, I got a book. The book is because of this show. It is an advice book, but it's really personal. Stories about my dating life to help you get inside the mind of a straight man. If that's not of interest to you, that's fine. I think for straight men who are like me, they're gonna feel seen, they're gonna feel like putting words to something that they couldn't explain. And I think for a lot of women, I'm going to give you kind of the other side of the, the story. What, what, what was going through the head of a guy that maybe ended things or you ended things with or someone you were on a first day with, what they were going through, what they were thinking. And, and also I'm going to give you feedback if you're looking to what, hear what men are thinking when they're looking at your profile. And it's all with personal stories, which I'm, which I'm actually I, I, it was uncomfortable. I mean I wrote this book on my phone in a coffee shop, you know, sometimes with like tears in my eyes. So it's called Walking Red flag. The link to pre order the book. If you want to really help me out. Pre ordering, you know, is something that's very helpful. And also, you know, pre ordering and going to this website, you can go to different. You know, I think you can pre order through your local bookstore, which is out, which is even more helpful. So all of those things is to say let's read the first email. I wanted to share a dating story I've been meaning to send in. A few months ago, I stacked two hinge dates back to back. First time ever doing that. Now I get the idea of like this is a numbers game and I've done stuff like this. I've done the many dates in one week or maybe having a date during the day and Then going to another date at night, and you kind of think it's funny, and you think, okay, whatever, you know, And. But I don't think. I think you kind of have enough energy for whatever, one date in a day. But I get it. The second guy ended up canceling because I was over 15 minutes late, which felt pretty extreme. The se. I'm rereading that sentence. The second guy ended up canceling because I was just over 15 minutes late, which felt pretty extreme, especially considering how normal it is for people to run five to 10 minutes late on first dates. I think the way you're explaining that is as extreme as he is being canceling the date. I don't think, hey, people are five to 10 minutes late for things all the time. He canceled because I was more than 15 minutes late and said it wasn't worth it. Or you didn't even say that. I'm putting words in the mouth, but the way it's being said, listen, if someone's with a stopwatch being like, and 15, they're done. Canceled. Goodbye, Lisa. We ain't ever getting together. You missed out 15, and one second you're done, you're out, kid. That would be annoying. I agree with you. Here's my question. Were you texting? Did you have a good reason? Did you say. I mean, good reason? Did you have any reason? Hey, I am so sorry. A normal text to 15 minutes late. Hey, I am so sorry. I am running behind from my other date that I was on. That went pretty well. Just so you know. I don't think you did that. I don't think you said, hey, so behind. I was. I'm so sorry. I'm. I'm running late because I had this other date where we were making out on the street corner, and I got a little wet and hot and bothered, so I ran to the bathroom to, like, kind of cool down. And now I'm going on this date with you, so I'll be there soon. Like, that's not what happened. Now, if you texted him, hey, I am so sorry. I'm running late. I'm looking at my Google maps. It is 15. I have another 10 minutes till I reach you. I know that's 25 minutes late, and I. If you have other things to do, I get it, but I am on my way. I would think it's extreme for that other person to cancel. I would think that the person saying 25 minutes late, well, this is over. I think that's a miserable person. I don't think it's Miserable to go to put that into the the resume of you after the date. The date was fun, but they were 25 minutes late and they didn't seem very apologetic and didn't really give a reason and I didn't really feel an intimacy between us. And for that reason, a second date doesn't make sense. That is so normal. That lands in the world of context and nuance and no extremism. Okay. And, and, and honestly, it's someone that's taking their dating life seriously, whereas you are on two dates in one day. So if your feedback to the person who went, you know, they were 25 minutes late, they didn't have a lot of apologies, they didn't have a reason. I just don't think that we're the match because the date wasn't really great enough to make me overlook that. If your feedback to that was like, well, you know, that's a little extreme. I would be like, well, you were on another date that day and I, I think that you're being less reasonable than they are. So again, like, I just find it interesting the way you're explaining it. The second guy ended up canceling cause I was just over 15 minutes late, which felt pretty extreme. It does feel pretty extreme, but I don't know anything else. Did you text 12 minutes into the 15 minutes late and go, hey, I'm going to be five more minutes. I'm so sorry. Or did you say going to be late, I'll be there soon? I would be like, well, when what's going on here? Especially considering how normal it is for people to run five to 10 minutes late on first dates. What you're doing is rationalizing because the big group does it. I should be allowed. This guy's being a stranger. I don't like the way you're writing the email already. I'm friend to friend or podcaster to listener. Quick context. I've been traveling in France and lined up dates for when I got back. One guy was already scheduled for the following week, but another guy asked last minute if I could meet the next day before travel. I said yes for 6pm after work, but told him I had a dinner at 8, aka the other date. He picked a bar near my second date, so I pretended my dinner was farther away to avoid overlap. Oh, I'm a little confused. So you're. You'd been traveling to France. Line up dates for when you got back. One guy was already scheduled for the following week, but another asked if last minute if I could meet the next day before Travel. Okay, so you got one date at 6 and told him that I had dinner at 8, aka the other date. He picked a bar near my second date, so I pretended my dinner was farther away to avoid overlap. I, I, I guess you pretending to the. Oh, because you were saying. So basically the 6pm date, you're like, I gotta get going at 7:30 at the latest because I gotta travel so far to the second date when it's really like next door. I get it. The first day ended up being amazing. Easy banter, great combo. And time totally flew by. I didn't check my phone until it was already eight. Well, you, you're being rude. It's already eight. He's waiting for you, flower in hand. I can understand why someone's a little angered at it's already 8. You. I, I mean, was it 8 on the dot? Is it 8 01? Is it 8 05? I texted the second guy that I was running late and his tone flipped fast. He wanted an exact ETA while I was literally sprinting through soho and Summer Heat, screenshot included. The shift was wild. He ultimately canceled, which honestly felt like a relief given the vibe. So we're gonna get the screenshot. So we're gonna get the full story here, let me see. Okay, so cool, I've made a reservation. So here are the text. Here's her. Cool, I made a reservation for eight. See you tomorrow. So that was the night before 10:00pm Hi, see you soon. That's you at 7:30, 7:00pm waiting outside. No pressure. Oh, so that's him. I'm sorry, I'm messing this up. Let me go back. So he writes, cool, I've made a reservation for eight. See you tomorrow. You don't answer. You don't hard it there. Okay, I, that I'm being extreme. But cool, I've made a reservation for eight. See you tomorrow. I would have liked something. I mean, I gotta say, I can understand why he's a little upset. Again, no one deserves to. No one deserves to get mad at a first date. Let me also say that. But, like, let's. So he writes, cool at 10:02pm Cool, I've made a reservation for eight. See you tomorrow. You don't answer. No heart emoji, no thumbs up. No, can't wait to see you now. Excited to meet. Excited to meet would have been, you know, a little bit of energy. Then at 7:37pm he writes, hi, see you soon. Smiling face. No answer to that because you're on your date with Johnny McCott stuff waiting outside no pressure. 7.55pm, flower in hand. It's starting to droop over at 8pm on the dot. And that's something that I would notice if I were him. I'd be like 8pm this all feels a little too. You haven't answered at all. Waiting outside. No pressure. Hey, so sorry, I'm running a few late. I'll be there in 15. I think that's okay. And then he writes, is everything okay? I think that to me you're not reaction to anything. And the see you soon you couldn't react to because you're on the date. But hi, so sorry I'm running a few late. I'll be there in 15 is fine. I think you're being nice enough. No one. You don't deserve to have someone get angry at that. Is everything okay? Yes. Had to finish two things for work, then subway was delayed. Sorry. Gotcha. ETA is 8:15pm oh, this guy, he's angry. You can see he's turning into the Incredible Hulk. He's like, is it 8:15pm no amount, no. I'm going to be there tomorrow morning. So just stand outside in the corner and I. And I'll be there. Yes, a few after, but by 8:20. Sorry, longer story was coming from Upper west side. So. Okay, never mind. And I was, I mean, Gotcha. 8:15. He writes, Gotcha. ETA is 8:15pm and then you write, yes, a few after, but by 8:20, sorry, longer story was coming from Upper west side. He writes back, nevermind, let's cancel. I'm leaving. Don't like these types of things, especially on a first date. Now it's funny that. So there's a couple things here. Would I have canceled? Let me, let me personalize. No, I wouldn't have canceled. I would have said, yeah, I'll go sit at the bar, I'll sit on my phone, I'll look at Instagram. They'll get here when they get here, I will put it into the overall assessment of the date. And you understand that, hey, we're going to do a report on the summer reading. I didn't do the summer reading. All right, well, you're going to start the semester with an F or whatever you can put together with having not read the book. That's, that's the deal you're making. And you're okay with that because. And this is where it gets into the disposability of people. Because of the dating apps. You have the dating app. You go, I can be a little late because maybe I'll find someone else and if it doesn't work out with him, I'll find another date by going back into the dating app bucket and pulling out a new person. And I get that. I'm none of us. None of us are innocent of that. I love this email she writes. Funny twist. I've now been dating the first guy, the early date, for over six months. Clearly the second date was never meant to happen. I like that she makes it the sun, the moon, and the stars. You know, clearly the other day was was never meant to happen. My boyfriend now loves telling the story, especially after learning I lied about the dinner. I I think this is a great story for you. Would love your thoughts on how the second guy handled it and your breakdown of the text. What is considered being too late for a date? I think the texts I think you're it is interesting to me how we tell the story about ourselves versus the story we tell about other people. If we took as much care about if we had as much care and kid gloves that we have with other people's stories that we have our own, I think the world would be a better place. I think that's called empathy. Probably because I'm looking at your description of him and the second guy ended up canceling because I was just over 15 minutes late, which felt pretty extreme, especially considering how normal it is for people to run five to ten minutes late on the first date. Quick context. I've been traveling. I ended up being amazing. Easy banter. Wanted to share a dating story a few months ago. I stacked to it. The second guy ended up canceling because I was just over 15 minutes late, which felt pretty extreme, especially considering how normal is. Yeah, we read that already. I. He wanted I just the way I texted the second guy that I was running late and his tone flipped fast. Like, I mean, even that description. Yeah, it did flip fast. I don't know. It's funny, the description is more extreme than the like, it's like explaining going to the doctor. I went to the doctor and I got shots and oh my God, it hurts so much. But if we walk watch the shot and then we'd be sitting there like, oh my God, no one likes shots. But then if we watch the doctor give you a shot, they go prick and you go ooh. And then it was over. Like, to me, this is a little prick and then it's ooh. And then it's over. Like when you describe it, the first date ended up being amazing. I didn't check my phone until it was already 8. I texted the second guy that I was running late. His tone flipped fast. He wanted an exact ETA while I was literally sprinting through. So in the summer heat, screenshots included, the shift was wild. He ultimately canceled, which honestly felt like a relief, given the vibe. I. I would say that description is an extreme description, considering what happened, because in that description, you do not reference and something that he. He is a pot being warmed up. And you're not really seeing that. Cool. I've made a reserve for a. I mean, he's giving energy. He made the reservation. And listen, them's the breaks, kid. You had another guy have another date that went really well. You're out. You're on single guy island. She's going to go off to six months in with hot dude she met before you. Sorry. And that's okay. And it does hurt. And it's okay to be a little angry. I think the description you're giving him flipped fast and it was extreme. I don't know. I would handle it differently than him. And I'm saying this as someone who would have handled it differently than this guy. He writes, hi, see you soon, smiley face, nothing. After getting nothing from cool, I've made a reservation for eight. See you tomorrow. Now I'm sensing a tone. I'm not getting anything back. She doesn't trust me. She's not really. It's not just a date. We're not cool, calm and collected. That's all the things I would think. Cool, I've made a date. Cool. I've made a reservation for eight. See you tomorrow. No response. And then, hey, see you soon. No response again. I'm starting to go. Okay. I'm dealing with someone who I. I've been on those dates. And again, I am making more out of this than maybe you want to hear or you think this is crazy. I'm just saying the way people think. People. Me. Cool. Admit I've been on dates with people where. And again, if you're someone that's making multiple dates in one day, I've dealt with the person who is like, we'll see when we get there. Like, there's no fun on the date. There's no fun. There's no fun on the dating app. There's no fun banter on the text because they were. I don't want to get ahead. I will not get ahead. You go to the date. You do, right? Then maybe I'll show you some personality over the texting. And I've seen that. And you go, oh, this is like okay. I'm. I'm being. I'm being a little bit tested so I could understand from his angle and that's how I would think is. Oh, I'm being put through. Like, is he an okay dude, you know, ringer. So is everything okay? Yes. I had. I. But I do think he. I think we're both being extreme. You're extreme with telling his story and how he flipped and was crazy. The vibe was crazy. I do think it is crazy. ETA a 15pm like, he's. He's trying to show you that he won't be fucked with. Yes. A few after by 8:20. Sorry. Longer story was coming from Upper west side. You know, and he's also. If you look at his text, he's punctuating and you know, and you're just run on sentences. Yeah. Don't care about that. The. The text look bad. I'm just telling you these are all things people notice. They don't care. They notice, but they don't care. Until they do. Never mind. Let's cancel. I'm leaving. Don't like these types of things, especially on a first date. I. Listen, I don't think. I just think it's interesting. The most interesting part about this is like, this is, okay, fine, you lucked out. You didn't meet someone where they were. Not a great vibe. But also, clearly the second day was meant. Wasn't meant to happen. My boyfriend now loves telling the story. My feedback to you is this guy having a bad day, stood up on a date from someone who isn't really giving him a lot over text. Yeah, he's annoyed. I'm not saying it's like. Right. I would have waited. Jtrain podcastmail.com J train podcast mail.com we have two sponsors today. The best way to support the show. There's a. There's a million ways to make, you know, make. Give back to this show. If they can help you support the. Use these sponsors and then they help the show and they keep it afloat. 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So give Quo a shot because if your business could be helped by that, you knew right away. The minute I said it, you were like oh my God. I've been looking for something like this. That's a great opportunity for you. Men, listen up. If that baseball cap is covering for your bald spot, you need to check out Nutrafol. Nutrafil now offers hair growth supplements tailored to men at every age. Because the root cause of hair thinning changes over time, your routine should too Nutriful men for ages 18 to 49 help improve hair growth, achieve thin thicker fuller hair in three to six months and introducing new neutral Men 50 plus and the first and only hair growth product specifically formulated for Men 50 Plus. Neutrful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. Every Neutrful subscription comes with automated deliveries, free shipping, up to 20% savings and one on one doctor consults. Here's the thing. You have a choice between going to turkey and trying neutral. I would say Neutrafil is a great first option. Let's give it a shot and might be a good good gift for the boyfriend fiance the man in your life. And they're doing different formulas for different age groups which I think is great. Start Neutrophil today also. My mom takes it. She loves it. Start neutral today and make that hat optional. Visit nutraful.com promo code Feather for $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. Spelled N U T R a f o l.com promo code feather that's nutrafol.com promo code feather so those are our two sponsors for today. I have two more emails. You can also sign up for the Patreon. That's a great way to like basically fund this show the Patreon. If you're listening right now I have coffee with J Train where I talked about going to Needham and I've Talked about this $2 Steve story I told on Coffee with J Train. Do me a favor, Google $2 Steve and then you can go to Coffee with J Train, the episode that aired. I don't know what it's called. Maybe I can find it. Right now we're, we're running a bit long, but that's okay. I got two more emails. Don't worry, we'll get to the emails. This is to say, just Google $2 Steve. And there's an episode called Chicago $2 Steve and the Dinner Plan. If you Google him, you will get an education on who this guy is. And I, before this, you know, Google. Imagine not knowing who this guy is, and he randomly pops up into my life. And now there's a whole episode about him. And we've been texting. He's like, the nicest person ever. Okay, I, I, I digress. Go sign up for Patreon if you want to hear that story. But I would say it's a good tease to, like, Google who this guy is if you're interested. More than that, I have a personal story that spans two episodes here. It's crazy. Dear Jared, South Florida listener here. Hello, neighbor. I came to your show in Miami over Thanksgiving weekend last year and cackled my head off. I could use your blunt advice on this one. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and living together for two. I'm 32, female. He's 37, male. I've been honest with him about the fact that I want to get married and see marriage for myself in the future. He's also been open with me that he does not believe in the institution itself of marriage. Well, we have a fucking problem, don't we? I mean, one of you isn't listening, or you're both not listening. You need to, we have to acknowledge that I want to get married. He doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. One of you is thinking, well, we're different. We're the sitcom about a guy who doesn't want marriage and a girl who does, and hijinks ensue. Look at us. I'm here to tell you. You're not. This is a problem. You will break up. He is dangling the breakup in the corner. He has the excuse built in. He's got the lever to pull. That's a better metaphor. He's got the lever to pull. Pull called I'm not looking to get married. Even though he's 37. You referenced the age. You know, age doesn't matter because it's all been said. I don't like marriage. Okay, Let me pull this lever. When it gets too serious, we're done. He can do that. At any time you like marriage, you won't pull on the lever. You keep going. Don't, don't pull the lever. No, we're fine. We're different. You're different. You can, you can change for me. He's made it clear it is tough to tell someone you care about the things you will not change. Him saying that is him letting you know for context. He doesn't have that many examples of successful marriages in his life. Look at you making rationalizations for his rule on marriage. That's why you're saying it's different. Well, he doesn't have a lot of examples. He, if he only saw a good marriage, he'd believe in it more. Well, he didn't. His older sister is in a long term relationship with her baby daddy, but they don't plan on getting married. His older brother was previously in a sour, a pretty sour divorce many years ago. He only recently got remarried to his long term partner after 10 years together. My boyfriend's best friend, also previously married, only for that to take a really bad turn. Then he went through a messy divorce as well. So all these people in his life have dealt with bad marriages. That's why my boyfriend doesn't want to get married. That's why we've been living together for two years and together for four. And I'm convincing myself that he will see the error of his ways and change up. Well, I really don't know how this plays out for us. I really don't know how this plays out for us. I do. I know how it plays out for you. He is going to say, I don't want to get married. You're going to say, I do. You're both going to get angry, get a little bitter towards each other and you're going to stop having sex and you're going to sleep on either side of the bed, not touching. And you're going to go to your family and you're going to cry to them and you're going to say, but he's such a great guy and I don't know if I can ever be single again. I'm already 32 and I don't know if I want to go back on the dating apps. And at least he's like good to me and he's nice and we live together and maybe I don't need to get married. And he's going to go to his family and go, she keeps wanting to get married and I'm screwed. I'm gonna have to listen to this every day for the rest of my life. But I don't even know if she's the one. And I don't have that feeling that I feel like I should have to want to get married. I gotta be more delusional to keep going with this. I should really end it. But she lives in my place and that's gonna be so tough and expensive to get her to move out. See, I can tell you how it's gonna. And then you're gonna come back together and you're gonna break up. It doesn't seem like he's going to budge. But I also don't want to compromise my own feelings and wants and then end up resenting him down the line. You already do. You're emailing a podcaster? I truly love him. You can love a lot of people in our relationship, but don't. No, you don't love your relationship. Stop that. This is. This is your problem. I truly love him and our relationship. No, you do not. You love him. You hate the relationship you're in. You love what this relationship could be if it went exactly how you imagined it going. So let's stop the lies here. You love him. That's okay. I believe that. I love the relationship. No, you don't. Cut that out. I hate the relationship we're in because it's stalled and isn't going to the place I dreamt of my life going. And don't want to let it go. Well, you better let it go. Because the only way you get what you want is by letting it go. And then maybe the person comes back to you, but you can't even count on that. But I'm not sure I want to convince someone to marry me. You would have to. And you're going to be miserable for it. It should be something we both want for each other. Are we doomed? In the long run? Yes. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you. A perpetual girlfriend. When you're signing out a perpetual girlfriend, you are already screwed. It's over. You've accepted it. You've. You've accepted. Can you believe she's. Can you imagine? You're like, I don't know. My life, it's going off the rails. I got this boyfriend who was want to marry me. Hey, man, what should I do? Then the guy you're asking is like. Is like you've accepted it. And then burps into the mic. Ah, you. You've accepted being the perpetual girlfriend. Sorry. Little indigestion. Where was I? Oh yeah, you living with your two year boyfriend. He doesn't want to get married. I honestly, that should tell you to listen to me. The fact that I'm burping into the mic, that's how much I like your problem, doesn't even faze me. I know exactly what you should do. You should end it. You should move out. You will be happier alone with the dream of meeting someone who wants exactly what you want, rather than the reality of being with someone who doesn't want anything to do with what you're looking for in life. So why don't you do that? Do it today. It's over. It's going to hurt. It's going to take time. I'm 32. I don't know. Yeah, you'll find a whole new group of women who are also single and 32, and you'll probably be married within a year. You'll find the right person who's, like, excited, ecstatic. Would you rather be? I guess the question is, would you want to be with someone that makes you nervous about the next day, every day, or would you want to be with someone where you're looking forward to the next step? I would want to look forward. J train podcast gmail.com J train podcast@gmail.com Jared. Love the pod. Caught you at the Comedy center on an NYC trip last year. Absolutely loved your set. Thank you. I'm currently living in Portugal. Portugal, but originally from Ireland. Moving home in a few months over Christmas. I matched with a guy on the app while visiting Ireland. We didn't meet because I got sick and had to leave early. But we stayed in touch and really connected over calls and FaceTime. He later came to visit me for the weekend and was great. Strong, strong chemistry, lots of fun. No red flags after he left. Well, the red flag. Here's the thing. People look for the wrong red flags. The red flag is you didn't meet in Ireland and he came for a fun weekend. That is a red flag in itself. And it's not that he's a bad person or came with any came lying. But I'm saying the red flag is the thing to like. To me, a red flag is a warning. The warning is, hey, I have good feelings about this person, but it was just a weekend anyone can do. A weekend anyone can travel to a fantastic place and be awesome while the other person is showing them around. Anyone can do that. So that's the red flag is don't get ahead of myself. After he left, we kept talking daily. About a week later, I started feeling overwhelmed by how fast things were moving and the reality of long distance for a few more months. I told him I really liked him but wanted to pause things until I moved home and see if we could date properly. Then he was kind and understanding, though clearly disappointed. Well, I would act disappointed. I would go, oh no, I don't have to call you every day and sit with my arm like this, you know, up and do, do FaceTime where I'm basically like, you know, I listen. I, I just think like this is I, I get what I like that you took ownership of your own feelings. You're like, I am going to get too far ahead. I don't want to do this. I'm not ready. Let me let this person know. I like that you were like, take a break. We'll take a pause. When I get back, I'll text you. I hope that you haven't found someone. We will go meet for a date in the shire of Ireland and we'll have a great time. But that's, let's do it then. I like that you owned your feelings. I know I made the right choice. I'm busy wrapping up my life here and traveling. But I still think about him. That's okay, that's good. We haven't spoken since. Part of me wants to reach out so he knows I'm still interested. But I also don't want to confuse him after asking for space. I think you take the time. I don't think you can do whatever you want. I'm not going to tell you not to reach out to someone you think about and care about. I will say to you that take the time. This is what I would do. And I think I, I, I have found this to be successful for me. You know, I think sucking on the, the ice cube and, and, and, and having this moment to feel because then when you get back and let's say you get back and he's found someone, okay, well, now you know the type of love you want to feel now the type of feelings you want to feel, you kind of have had them and you, and you know what to look for. I don't think that's like love and loss, you know that I don't think you've missed out an opportunity. That person on the other side obviously wasn't where you were. If when you get back and you reach out, they are like, I don't know, I got this other chick. No, not into it because just like I said before, easy to make a trip to you. So I, we don't know what's on his side, the feelings on his side. I, I do know that if they match when you get back, it will be a difficult decision for him if he's seeing someone else. But I think you let it go. I think you. What do you think? Is there ever a point where it's okay to reach out before I move home or is it better to leave him alone until then? I think you leave it alone. Enjoy your trip. Get out of your trip and your travels. What you need to get out. Get it out of your system. You. This is like going to the bathroom. You think you shit it all out. Nah, you got another. You got. You got a whole nother log in there to shit out. I can't believe people come to me for advice. I'm. I just burped while telling a woman to end a four year relationship and now I'm telling her to. You got. You got a second shit that's waiting in your. In your. I'm just saying to you fully experience this and you're going to have moments where you think of him because if you really like this person, you're going to compare every person that you meet in the future to this person. And that's okay. I think that's okay. Who knows what a therapist would say? I'm just telling you, I think, go on the like I think what you're doing. If you end up texting and calling him, he's going to say I've missed you too. He's going to be nothing but nice. He's not going to be mean. And then you're going to get like you're going to get what you might not. You, you're more likely to get lies when texting him than the truth. And it's going to take up time from your trip that you wanted to concentrate on because he's always going to be just nice enough. Now when you get back to Ireland and you say hey, I'm still thinking of you and I'm like really want to get together and get some coffee. He has to get up and go to that date. He has to then be in front of you. You got to breathe, breathe his air in. Then you'll get real answers. So I think you're opting for junk food. If you text him now while on your trip. I think the real things that will satiate you will happen when you get in front of him and can put your proper energy behind it. Jtrain podcastmail.com mailbag Monday these were great emails. 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