Jared Freed (0:00)

It's a mailbag Monday. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. He's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right, every Monday. It's a mailbag Monday. We love your emails. We of your emails. If you have a issue you're going through and it doesn't have to be love problems, it can be really anything we do life problems. If you're dealing with a dating question, send it in. If you're dealing with a friend debate, send it in. If you're dealing with wedding stuff, Bar, Bar, Bar mitzvah. I don't know, maybe your kid, maybe you got kids who are having bar mitzvahs and there's an issue that you gotta, you know, hear sussed out. I'm here for you. Send it in. The email is j train podcasting.com. j train podcast@gmail.com. you can also DM it to us on the J Train Instagram account. J Train podcast on Instagram. Send the dm. We have two emails today. The first is a little bit shorter and then the second is a, is a long one with, with. And we got the screenshots. Love a screenshot. I was about to say bachelor party, bachelorette party issue too, when I said bar mitzvah for some reason. You can send in those issues too. We want all life issues sent in juicy ones. Context, nuance. That's what this is all about. Also, I'm on the road. If you are in Des Moines, Iowa. I'm coming this weekend. Des Moines. Des Moines. Des Moines. I love Des Moines. I've been before. It is pretty cool. It's not bad. Batavia, one of the five shows is already sold out, so Batavia, Illinois, I'm coming there. And also this is going to be, this is going to be loose new material because I have, I'm taping this Friday before the special taping. If you came to the special taping. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm excited to do it. I'm sure it's going to be great. The shows are packed out. We, you know, we sold out both pretty much. We took out seats for cameras and things like that. But it's a big room in Tarrytown, so I'm really thankful for everyone who's, who's coming and who's bringing their family and friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A Saturday in Westchester, New York. Let's get it going. So I'm excited to tape the special, but I'm also excited to like move on from the material. You know, you put this material to bed that I've been doing for two years now. I taped 37 and single on December 10th of 2022. It came out on Netflix August 15th of 2023. And I remember going to Virginia Beach, Virginia the weekend, you know, I taped on December 10th of 2022. And then the next day I went to Virginia beach and it was like time to do new material. And that has its own pains and pleasures that go with that. So I'm excited to kind of do that and feel refreshed in the standup in stand up and feel ready to talk about new stuff. I mean it also is a little bit sad to see this material kind of go away to be done with it. It's been fun to do it felt the most me this material. If you want to hear my emotional state going into taping the special, I taped a coffee with J Train which came out on Friday, December 6th, that's today as I'm taping here. And it talks about kind of like the emotional ups and downs of what it's like to be taping the special in the similar to this conversation that I'm having with you right now. But you can go sign up for patreon patreon.com Jared Freed and I'm sure this Friday I'll talk about the taping and how it went and my feelings, you know, coming out of it. So Patreon for that also Patreon gets you dibs on contributing to ticked off Tuesday. All the ticked off Tuesdays get read on the show tomorrow. So but otherwise coming back around Portland, Oregon, Phoenix, Arizona. Those are also dates I got coming up. I am coming to Montreal. Those tickets are going to come out this week. Tampa is being added as well as Australia and New Zealand. So Jared free.com for tickets. If you know anyone in those areas, let them know about the shows. It'll be fun. I'm I'm definitely talking more about dating now and relationships and kind of all where all that stands as far as material that I've been thinking about. So that is something that will be the topic. Of course, my parents, I've just been talking about them for two years, so I'm not going to take a break from that. There's definitely other stuff to talk about with those two. So let's get to the mailbag. We got two emails. He's my boss. Well, not technically we have two ads this week, so just to let you know, or two ads today. All the ads in the description of this episode. So if you need any of the promo codes, if any of them, you know, fit what you're looking for, would love for you to use the promo code. Hi, Jared. I'm a 28 year old medical student who recently started rotating in the hospital. For clarity, the average medical student is around 23 to 25. I'm not that much older, but I did take time off before going back to school. I will say this, at that age, you feel that much older. You know, the 23 to 25 year olds, I understand. I had a friend who did this. I had a friend who used to work in accounting and then he was like, I'm going to become a doctor. And there's a little bit three steps back to go 20 steps forward. And you do it at a certain age where everything feels a little bit bigger than it is. You know, you get to 50 and the difference between you and a 47 year old is nothing, but you get to 28 and the difference between you and a 23 to 25 year old, you're like, I want to do a different bar scene, I want to do a different hang, I want to hang with these people in different ways. And I get that. I say that as a 39 year old guy turning 40 soon, that I get that. I get where you're coming from, where you're mentioning the age and you're holding me off and because someone will be annoying. I'm not that much older, but I did take. You're mentioning it because it is something to you and I totally understand that. But I'm actually telling you, you don't have to explain that. 28 to 20, when you're in the medical field and you're trying to work in that profession, it feels like you're 100 years older than some of those people. I'm sure. That said, as a single female, I am more in the age bracket of residents. See, she's also more in the life bracket of the residents. Doctors in training for their specialty and attendings. Doctors done with training. Okay, I don't know any of the. These are all terms you know, you hear residents and attendings and these are all terms you've heard. But you're like kind of too embarrassed to ask what does that mean? Unless it's like a close friend. So you just like nod along. So I'm happy they're explaining a lot here. So you started rotating in the hospital, you're 28 and a single female. I am more in the age bracket of the residents, doctors in training for their specialty and attendings, doctors done with training. I find myself connecting with the docs and relating to them on a personal level more than most of my classmates. Totally get that. Don't think that's weird at all. The issue is that the medical community is constantly harping on the unequal power power dynamic between a student and resident or attending. I understand that this is all like, you know, it's so funny. It is. This is all like the life stuff. This is to me the issue with the Internet. The Internet deals in moral superiority. This is a nuanced issue. You took some time before you got into the medical field. Now you're 28. You connect in a personal way with people in a different part of life. I do agree that a 28 year and you know, it can go both ways. Like the 28 year old attending that the doctor that's done with training hitting on the 23 year old, you know, med student in rotation. It's a little gross. It's a little power. The power dynamic is icky, but your situation is different. But I can understand someone can all. Someone can always cut you at the knees and just be like, well, you know, there's a power dynamic. And you're like, I know, but I'm 28. I, you know, I like to go to bars where there's somewhere to sit. I don't want to go to a club. I recently worked under an attending also. Let me just say this emailer has set this up beautifully. I recently worked under a attending physician who I would put to be 32 or 33. He was incredibly smart, kind and attractive. From all accounts, he's single. We really connected and I found that he was making excuses to text me outside of work and keeping me late to be alone and just hang out, slash shoot the shit after all the students, the other students left. Okay, In a romantic comedy, this would be hot, fun and awesome. It takes one person to go, what's going on here? This isn't right. I understand why you're in that one person, or the fear of that one person is the uncomfortable part. But to me, if this is how you became married, everyone will go, what a great story. Isn't that so bizarre only. And if you break up, you go, look, there is a way to tell this story where it becomes icky. But based on all this, if it didn't work out, it would still be nice that you Met someone that you connected with and you found out you loved and lost versus never loved at all. I don't know I'm for this currently. The issue is that we will be. Is that we'll be writing an evaluate. The issue is that he'll be writing evaluation of me in coming weeks. Part of my grade will be determined by him. Okay, now we're in the icky territory. I get that. After that he has no direct supervision or authority over me. My question is if I'm genuinely interested in him. We are two consenting adults. Even the language you're using I. We live in a litigious world. We live in a slam dunk world. I don't think this email even gets thought. I don't but I would also. It doesn't get thought about 30 years ago, but also someone will. You know, 30 years ago someone. The hole was there for someone to get taken advantage of. It works always. It's the interesting part like these are two people that seem like everything's kosher. Seems like everything's good. The careful people who get hurt by the people who are and shitheads. And. And it's a. And I think there's a way to do this. If I'm genuinely interested in him and we are two consenting adults. Would it really be so bad to to after grades are in. I think that's your move. And if not, how would you go about opening the door for him? I feel like is more risky for him it is to ask out a student. But I also don't want to come off unprofessional or of if I'm reading the situation wrong. Any advice is much appreciated. Love all you do for the horny medical community. I know I'm not the first healthcare worker to write to you from Meredith Gray. Great sign off. Great email. You set the stage. Go for it, go for it, go for it. You got to. This is fun. This is sexy. This is hot. This is Grey's Anatomy as you referenced in your sign off. Here's what I would do. Keep this game going. Keep this, keep this. We chit chat, we stay after we hang out, we shoot the. What I love is what you wrote when you. When you wrote just to hang out and shoot the shit after all the others shoot the shit to me lives in the land of like two people getting to know each other. Like I just. The way you describe that doesn't sound like two people being like, you know, you know, exchanging dick pics and nudes. Like this is like real connection to Me. And I'm taking a lot from the words you're using, but that's all I got. Keep shooting the shit. Keep getting to know them. Keep. Keep having this fun. This is okay. There's no rush. And just like there was no rush for you to go to med school, there was no rush. There's no rush for this. You are not going to lose someone if it's meant to be. You're not going to lose someone from waiting till grades are in. And listen, I wouldn't, you know, I guess the pushback would be, well, you're doing this all to get the good grade from the person because he's going to grade you on. He'll be writing an evaluation of me. Part of my grade will be determined by him. After that, he has no direct supervision or authority over me. Here's what I would say. Let's get to that grade. Enjoy it. Keep it natural. Don't push too hard. Don't, don't. Don't do more than you're doing right now. Enjoy this. And also, in the grand scheme of life, this will be a fun. Let's say you do. You know, you end up on the porch holding hands. Two doctors who fell in love. Okay, this will be a great story to tell the grandkids. I will say this, and this will be the fun part to talk about. Oh, and I used to stay after. You know, you'll have that fun after that. What I would do is wait till the grades are in, and then I. How would I play this to make this as you know you want? And I think sometimes this gets overlooked because there isn't the same dangers for this man. Dr. As there are for you. Female med student to be taken advantage. But you want to. You want to, like, address, like, hey, if I've read the room wrong, I just. That's okay. I'm going to pull myself back a little, let the grades get in, shoot a message. And whatever way you shoot a message, I would do to me. There's two options of how you play it. I love a group setting, and I love the group being. If you can do this and I understand. Listen, you know, if you're in med school at 28, maybe your friends have moved to other phases of life. You might not have this group, but if you do, I would get together with, like, friends outside of the Dr. Community. Hey, we're doing drinks at this bar. I would love for you and your friends to come and hang out with us. Us, us, us. Protection of numbers. Go there and you know, and shoot the shit there and maybe it comes up along the way, hey, I've, you know, maybe I've misread this. Now you're in a dark bar, you're away from the doctor people, away from the hospital. Hey, I don't know if I've been misread this situation, but I just feel a vibe and I'm happy you came tonight. And, you know, I just want to let you know that. And then numbers will be exchanged. I'm sure the option, if I were in his position, I would send a text. Hey, you know what you said tonight was so nice. We should get a drink. Or I don't really want to. You know, it is one or the other, him explaining, hey, this. I'm really flattered, but that's a little too risky for me. That's his right. Or, hey, let's get a drink. If that doesn't happen, I think the text from you and it's a one more shot is, hey, it was really good to hang tonight. I'm not. I know I mentioned that I felt a vibe. I totally don't want to like, make this any more than it is if you don't feel that, but if you're feeling what I'm feeling, I would love to get a drink sometime. That's it. Plain and simple. Also, not offended if I missed. If I misread this, I'm just going to back away for a little bit. You let him know that now his options are drink or no. If it's somewhere in between, then this is what this guy does and this is just a warning. If it's like, oh, you know, kind of ignores it, doesn't make a plan, doesn't go for the drinks. He's not kind of there for what you're there what you're there for. So that's just a warning, but I like this. Good luck. Jtrain podcastjumin.com if you're dealing with an issue, send it in. We do need more lifestyle questions. We're looking for them. Jtrain, podcastmail.com or the Instagram account. Now, here's the long one. Okay, before we get to the long one, we have two advertisements. I like when people call it advertisements. Is that British? And all of this is in the description of the episode. Green Chef. Trying to limit processed ingredients or just want to make mealtimes easier. Time for Green Chef. Green Chef is the number one meal kit for clean eating. Ready to make your busy weeks easier. With boxes chock full of fresh, prepped ingredients and delicious Recipes. Here's what I would say. This time of year, we are in the holiday season. You're gonna have times that you're gonna go out and you're gonna get a little bit drunk on a Wednesday that maybe you will in January or February. What I love about Green Chef is that it keeps the amounts you're getting. The right amount, you're getting amount like the portion size is correct. It is a healthy option that's delicious and creative. And I will say this, as far as mental health is concerned, when I do a meal kit, I feel better after having done one than before I did it. I feel like I put a puzzle together. It's satisfying to your brain. So with menu options for every lifestyle, including certified gluten free recipes, there's truly something for everyone. Green Chef's winter season organic produce includes delicate delicata squash. I've never heard of that. Cranberries, brussels sprouts, green beans, maple syrup and pumpkin. Perfect for fireside meals. None of your meals that you would make to stay healthy would involve maple syrup. I'm just saying that that's. No shame on you. My meals wouldn't include maple syrup. And here's the other thing. If you're shopping for one or two, getting the amount of produce that's correct is a very difficult job. This is going to get you the right amount of produce. Go to greenchef.com jtrain50 use code jtrain50 for 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next two months. That's a lot of deals. That's code jtrain50@greenchef.com jtrain50 to get 50% off your first box plus twenty percent off your next two months. Green Chef, the number one meal kit for eating well. We have one more sponsor and then I have a longer email. This episode is brought to you by Better Help. December is all about getting comfortable. Whether that's wrapping up in a blanket or watching your favorite holiday movie, it's an essential part of the season. Therapy can bring you comfort that never goes away. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's easy to use. And your therapist will be there for you every step of the way through video calls, phone calls, or messages. Here's why I like BetterHelp. There's two two reasons it's accessible. If you're sitting there and you've never done therapy before, they have a marketplace, they have a website. You can go to it. It is a very nice toe into the water of therapy. If you've Never done it before. Here's the other thing I like. You go on there. You fill out a questionnaire. They match you up with a therapist, and you can change it at any time if it's not the right fit. Here's another reason I like it. No going to the office. I would be comfortable if I lived in the suburbs, I would want to go in my car, sit in my car, park it at like a playground or a field or a public whatever, and just do therapy right from there. No offices, no. You know. And again, as far as accessibility is concerned, it's not three hours out of your day, it's an hour out of your day. Just fill out a quick survey to get started and get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. This is just a wonderful resource and you're going to get free money. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com J train today to get 10, 10, 10, 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com/j train. Okay, let's go to the next email. I like this question. Am I too nice too soon? Now I have a policy I don't believe in too anything. I don't think you are too nice. I don't think there's such a thing as too soon. I don't think there's such a thing as too much. You are. You, you are great. You are wonderful. You are for someone, not everyone. That's okay. If you were for everyone, you'd kind of be for no one. You wouldn't be that interesting. So the idea of anyone saying, and I don't even know anyone out there, I've never met the person that's recommended not being too much or too nice or. I think we've invented this person, to be honest. I think we've invented this. Maybe the person saying that you're being too much is our own, you know, inner demons. Because I don't, honestly, I don't like, I don't like arguing with a straw man or woman. An invention. This happens a lot with politics that you're. You see people online, they're, they're, they're coming after us. And you're like, who's they? Show me one person that, that has that opinion. I would love to debate the person who says, don't be too much. Don't be too nice. Because I don't think they exist. I don't think it's a defendable position. What is to what? There's no math to this. What's. What's the. So I like the title. Am I too nice too soon? No. I'll start with no but let's read the email. Met a guy in Bumble. He's 33, I'm 30. We hung out four times over the course of a month and I started to feel he could be the one at some points which I never felt or said any I said about anyone before. To me again, too soon. Am I too nice too soon Lives in extremes. You again to go back to. Maybe it's our own inner conscience that's saying you're being too much. When you say I felt he could be the one after four dates in the course of a month. I'm not saying that you're being too much but I am saying you're living in extremes. And I know you never felt or said that said that about anyone before. I would say that's nice. These are nice things to feel but I also you have to play in the romantic. You have to have a good mix of romantic and practical. You're going to be okay. When you say I've never felt that or said anything said about anyone before that kind of like infers that there's no possibility of anyone else being that which isn't true. We both have that we're looking for a relationship on our profiles. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care what it says on the profiles. Doesn't matter. But he ended a five to six year relationship in January and February if that gives any perspective. The only perspective I have is if you're on a dating app. And I'll speak for myself as a guy. I would say most men live in the same headspace as me. I'm on the dating app to meet new people, have some fun and hopefully find the right match. All of that can be true at once. Meet some people, have some fun hooking up, kissing, going on dates, getting to know someone and find the match, finding the person I spend the rest of my life with. All of those options are. All of those options are wins to me. So when you say we're looking for a relationship on our profile. Yeah his out to that is I'm looking for a relationship and this isn't that. So I just think it's a bad thing to lean on. First data suggested the date says suggested the date, slash, picked a place and we met up. It was a good date but at the end I was a little thrown off. He Was very handsy and was trying to go to his place. Okay, this isn't good. So again, he was very hands. He was trying to go to his place. You were turned off. Let's. Let's just use the word turned off. The phrase turned off. During our kiss, he ultimately said he respects my decision not to. He asked if I wanted kids. He does. I responded, if I find someone who would be a good dad. And he ended up asking me if I was a sexual. I responded, if I find someone who would be a good dad. And he ended up asking me if I was a sexual person. I got home and he texted me, hope to see you again soon. Okay. We met a second date a few days later and I picked the event slash location again. We went to a bar downtown. It was a good date, but I realized he really doesn't talk about himself a lot. He leaned in and asked to kiss me at the bar and said he's been wanting to do that all night. Okay. He was saying he might dead ass go to Paris with you. When are you going again? Okay. Sounds like to me, might go to Paris. When are you going? These are all a little bit. I hate the word manipulative because it's not that extreme. I would say. This is what people say when they've had a few drinks and they like seeing someone they're on a date with. Perk up at its. At its most minimum at its most not manipulative. It is them being like, I just like to say things that I can see them get excited about it. So the idea of going to Paris with you, that ain't going to happen. We left, walk to my car and make out. He again go. Got a little pushy and told him I didn't like it. But we left, walk to my car and make out. He again got a little pushy and told him I didn't like it. But. But. And said, come on. And he reiterated, I'm looking for a wife. Okay. I don't. All of this is getting icky. We went back to my place, we hooked up, but didn't really have sex. He talked about a lot about future dates over the course over the month before the next one happened, which I thought was a little weird, but thought maybe he was that sure about me for the third place. I made martinis. We ordered takeout. He ends up asking me out, asking me on. He ends up asking me on that night. So you really like me, huh? I said yeah. He goes, is that a yeah or a eh? I said, yeah, do You. He said, yeah, I think I like me. Yeah, I think I like me. I said, do you like me? And he goes, yeah, I think I like you. I don't like that conversation. This whole thing of, do you like me? I. You're at. He's at your place, you order takeout, you made martinis. I like. I like you for third date. I like you as much as the third date would like. I like you enough to go on the third date with you. Then I question why he doesn't open up via text sometimes. Like when I asked how he. How he is, it's always, I'm good, smiley face. And I said, I don't know if it's meant to be cagey for any reason. He says, no, I have a hard time talking about myself, and I'm really bad at small talk. He said, he anything else? Ha ha. And I said, no. And he said, do you actually care? And I said, what? And he said, do you actually care how my day is going? Well, I don't like when people judge these questions that are just like, nice conversation. How's your day going? Is kind of like the prelude to it becoming a bigger conversation. So, yeah, I do care. I care about getting deeper with you. And the only way to dig to deeper levels is to start with the surface level. And I said, that's how I can get to know you. And he's like, okay, good to know. I need to talk about myself, life more. Okay. He was saying things like that that night. Like, is Thursday going to be our thing? The new house he's looking at is closer to me asking if it was too soon to call me babe and baby and if I'm into that. I don't like all this. Like, I understand why you're writing in about this. I understand why this is a problem. But this whole, like, you're doing a lot of detective work is what I would say how he would make. How we would make cute babies. Like, making this isn't math. You're trying to turn a mix into math. And you're like, well, he said how we'd make cute babies must be serious to him saying he can't wait to make love to me. Like, to me, we'd make cute babies. I can't wait to make love to you. That is someone just saying a lot of everything, like a word salad of, I'm just saying things to gain trust from you. A couple hours later, he left, saying, hope to see you again soon. A couple days after I ordered him Uber eats at his work for lunch because one of his childhood friends passed away. Okay. A few days after that, he asked what my plans were for the night. And I basically said I was around two hours go by and he said nothing. So I said, when can I see you again? Okay. Five minutes later he said my friends called and asked me to go out. Lol. I was going to ask you, if not, hope I can. Hope I can though. Okay. We make plans a few days later and he asked if I wanted to just hang out again or go out and do something too. Before the date, he was talking about how he wants me to obviously go to his place soon. He doesn't mind to Uber 40 minutes to my place because you're worth it. On the drive to my apartment, he was asked me what I was doing for Christmas because when he gets his license back, he wants to drive to Florida to visit his mom. The light. What happened to the license? But I did feel like the vibe seemed a little off in the car ride and the date. Where's his license? Okay, I listen, the first email was written very specific and very well. And I'm not saying this is a badly written email. I'm just saying, does it like he has no license? He's. You're. You're transcribing what he's saying, but it sounds like you're taking a lot away from these big statements he's making. But you obviously don't believe them. It's okay. You don't like how they make you feel. Just because they're good words doesn't mean these words are said correctly and are there to make you feel good. Hey, I'd like to make babies together. Those. That's like something that's kind of an issue here. You're taking things in general people might want to hear and saying and not trusting that it's not said in the right way. If I went up to some woman on a first day, was like, you know, we'd make great babies together. That's the wrong place to do that. I mean, as I say that, it's like, okay, could there be a first date where those things are said? I guess I wouldn't imagine that. But you've already kind of painted a picture of this person. They don't have a license. I don't like when someone doesn't have a light. When we get my license back, what happened? What'd you do? But I did feel the vibe seemed a little off. In the car ride, in the date, he said a couple times, maybe we can Hang out on Friday? Maybe. I don't know. When he was about to leave my place, he was ordering an Uber Lyft. He was looking at prices so I offered to check mine for promos and he was saying, do not, do not, you're too nice. He seemed kind of annoyed. After he left, we texted normally for a couple of days, then he didn't answer for me for a few days. So I texted him three times and then eventually called him one. What do you think happened? He's not exclusive with anyone because he's still on the app. Do you think there's any truth to his text or did some something make him change his mind on the last date? Do you think he will be back? Okay, I don't know if you've gotten physical or not. It seems like you haven't hear the text she wrote. I really hope you're okay. If you're okay, I'm getting to the feeling that you're not interested anymore, but I'm just wondering what happened. I liked you and was really excited about getting to know you more. I would really appreciate it if you could let me know. He wrote back, hi. Yes, I'm okay. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you. I had a very busy last few days and I guess I just didn't know what to say either. You're very kind and sweet, but I have a lot going on with work and now moving and just don't think I'm ready for anything serious at the moment. And I'm so sorry. I really wish you the best. You are an amazing woman and someone is going to be extremely lucky to have you. Okay. She wrote back. Okay, I'm really bummed out to hear that. Of course. But I do appreciate your text. Thank you for getting back to me. I have to say I wish you were more honest with me and didn't lead me on as much. I was super excited when you would talk about the future with me and it felt good to hear, thinking we were both on the same page. But I tried holding back expressing my emotion about it to protect my feelings since we weren't together. But congratulations on the move. You seem like such a great guy and I'm happy I met you. Okay, we'll go back to your questions. What do you think happened? I think I'm going based on this email because you didn't mention getting physical together based on this email where you went on four dates. You had a lot of fun. He was trying to hook up more than you Guys were. And that didn't happen. This guy, I think what happened was he was looking for a sexual relationship and that didn't happen. And so he's bailing. And I do think he knows four dates in if things. There is this weird thing where it's not weird, but it's like there is a thing where if the physical doesn't happen right away and then you go on dates after, those dates after are him saying, I am looking for more serious, which would be true. And again, this isn't me telling people to go have sex on the first date. I'm just saying, to me, this is a win for you. You didn't get physical with someone who needed to get physical before they could make any decision as far as whether they would be in a long term relationship. I don't think this guy was ever going to be in a long term relationship with you. I think you smoked him out. I think that's the reality. I think you took all those things that he was saying and you go, I don't like how those make me feel. You weren't manipulated by the we should go to Paris, by we would make great kids together. You did it. You're doing the right thing. To me, the reason it didn't feel good is because it wasn't natural and it wasn't real and you knew that. That's good. This is all great stuff. And you're asking someone to give you feedback. And it's like, you know, if I could look at it from the most empathetic way to his position, he could say, you know what I like getting? I like to be physical with someone as I get to know them and not have that held against me in a breakup. And honestly, that's how some relationships, you know, work out. In your case, you do not want to be physical with someone unless you've gotten to know them first and want to be in something a little bit more serious. That's your right too. I think you guys are on two different pages on how you get to know someone. And he's bailing because he knows, honestly, to give him even a little bit of credit, he could have kept talking in this deep, manipulative way that he was kind of doing until he got the sex that he was looking for. And he's bailing now because he knows it's too far in where he'd be a total piece of shit. You have made it clear I want something serious with you. That is what you're making clear. I want something serious with you. And the sex matters to me. He's saying the sex doesn't matter as much to me when it becomes. And do you think there's any truth to his text or did something make him change his mind on the last date? It's not something. It is two philosophies. Do you think he will be back? If he comes back, he'd be a dick. Unless he comes back to saying, I want to be in a committed relationship with you. That's the only way I would take him back. But I think this email is interesting because you did everything right and you didn't really even like him. Like, if I'm to be honest, you know, you didn't like him enough to. For those things to feel real and good, you could tell it wasn't right. You could tell that he was just saying words and they weren't anything to you. So I do think what happened was he wanted sex and that was what he was looking for. And this relationship became, you know, on the end when you say to him that he. I have to say you were. I wish you were more honest with me and didn't lead me on as much. I was super excited. When you talk about the future to me, you weren't excited when you talked about the future. You found it weird. And maybe this would have had better communication. If I'm to give feedback when they say that, like, we'd make cute babies together. What do you mean? We've never. We've. We're on a third date. You don't think that's weird to say? Like, I would. Like you're. You're writing it back to me and if it did excite you, I would. Are you excited just at the idea that someone would say that? Are you excited that he was saying it? I don't know. That's my feedback to that. But I can only speak to the email or if I'm speaking to the email, I'm like, hey, I don't think holding against him that he said these things when you didn't really call them out in the first. But I'm going to go with your word. You said you were excited by them. If you were excited by them, okay. But you didn't take the bait, which I think is good. I think to me, this is a win. Your standards were held and this person was never going to be above your standards. And on their side, they're going, oh, those standards, not what I'm looking for. So I'm going to go, I'm going to get in this Uber, and I'm going to let you. I'm going to free you to the next guy who will be that guy. So to me, a win. I know this hurts to see, but this is the price you pay of having standards. You're looking for the right one for you, and you've already stated what makes that guy right for you. Hey, we go on dates. The physical stuff comes later. Once we have decided we want to be a little bit more committed to each other, that's okay. Good for you. Mailbag Monday. This is the J Train podcast. Back next week. Boom.