Jared Freed (0:00)

It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is Jay Train, Jared Freed coming you live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right, Every Monday is a mailbag Monday. You, the listener, send in your questions, and I give you some perspective and advice. Now, who am I? I don't know. I'm just some guy who doesn't have to look in the eye when you're asking your question or telling your story. And that's a pretty powerful thing. I have no reason to lie to you. I have no reason to, like, give you anything that I wouldn't do myself, you know, Also, advice is easier to give than take, so I understand that. So. But this is all what this show's all about. I love that you guys write in. Thank. We have three emails today, so that's fun. Usually we do two. Now we got three. If you have a question, it can be lifestyle, it could be friendship, it could be relationship dating. You know, mother in law, father in law, your parents. Send it in. Jtrain podcastmail.com Jtrain podcastmail.com Send in. Or you can DM it to the Jtrain Instagram account, train Podcast. And follow that Instagram account. Go follow it. I understand how a podcast kind of lives in your life. I am a podcast listener as well as a podcast or so I know that I go in and out of shows. And I think following the Instagram account is a good way to like, oh, see the topics we're talking about. Oh, okay. Yeah. Listen to J Train today. It's a daily show. I understand you're not gonna listen every day, every episode, every week. I get that. But give the show a follow on Instagram and you can DM your questions, and that might be easier for you than an email. Okay, now that we're in Plug City, I am coming to Montreal, and then I'm coming to New Zealand and Australia. I'm international, baby. Go to jaredfree.com for tickets if you want to support the show in a different way. Patreon. Every Friday, I tape a show called Coffee with J Train. It is my diary. I go through the week that was last Friday's Patreon is all about going to Phoenix and the tick tock, ban and date. There's some stuff about my dating life in there, so. Patreon.com Jared Freed and if you also want to support the show, we have two sponsors today. Two, they are in the description of this episode. We will get to them. I'm going to start with, I'm going to start with an email and then we'll go to the ads. But let's, let's get started. How do I respond to an old guy's tmi? Okay, I like this title. How do I respond to an old guy's too much information. Right away. I'm taking you inside of my thought process because I'm dealing with the emailer. I don't know. We're gonna get the emailer's perspective. There are three sides to every story. Your side, their side, and the truth that lies somewhere in between. So when someone writes how do I respond to an old guy's tmi, what they're doing right away, you're like Jared from one sentence. Yeah, I am a sensitive Sally. I notice everything. I notice everything. It is tough not to notice that this person is already giving this person who was okay, so the person who gave you too much information, you're going, well, they're old. You're letting them off the hook. I don't believe that we are all that different. I mean, go watch the Golden Bachelor. The Golden Bachelor, Golden Bachelorette. Those people are a different age than me going through the same dating issues as me. So you're, I just can already feel how do I respond to an old guy's tmi? You're going to respond to them and you're saying, well, I have to figure out how to respond to them because they don't know they're being too much information. We'll see. I'm just saying this is, I'm already, I'm already thinking you are giving them to your, you're believing that they are, that they don't know what they're doing. And I tend to refute that. I think everyone knows what they're doing. Okay. I don't know what category this fits under, but Jared Freed advice was written all over this. Thank you. I'm a 65 year old woman, single, 28 years. Well, let me first thank you for listening to this show. I love that the audience for what I do is just the one thing that I see at my shows of people who like what I've put out into the universe is that there are thoughtful people and the age, the gender, it doesn't, they're all just thinking and I really appreciate that. It's quite a compliment to me. You're a 65 year old woman listening to this. My know idiocy from a Studio apartment. Come on. This is great. Thank you. Single, 28 years. I've been on and off the apps and follow you and a couple dating coaches that I found through your podcast. Well, thank you. I was out of town in northern Wisconsin and my friend fixed me up with her 70 year old single guy friend. Okay. The scene is out of a Hallmark Christmas movie. I went to the backwoods to do some fat tire biking in the snow. Her friend. This is unbelievable. Good for you. Going to the northern Wisconsin. And this is all great. Okay, so the scene is out of a Hallmark Christmas movie. I went to the backwoods to do some fat tire biking in the snow. Her friend said they were going to do a group ride and she suggested this would be a good way to meet. I think this is great. So basically your friend's like, I got this friend, he's appropriately aged, he likes biking. We'll go, we'll do a group thing and you'll get a little taste of him. Great. This is not anything you'd be familiar with, meeting on a bike ride when the temperature is 11 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm. I'm happy you mentioned that. Yes. This is not in. This is not an activity I would do. I do understand the. What's going on here. And our bikes have studded tires so we can ride better if we hit ice. I mean, yeah, this, this snow biking world is not my world, but I would watch a movie on it and understand that how people meet and the romantic comedy that is based in the snow biking movie I would get. But I. You're right. Anyway, he asked me to have coffee afterwards. We talked about three hours. We covered our history a bit and he seems to have a great interest in LSD when he was younger. Okay. And currently likes to make olive oil tinctures of THC and cbd and invited me to his house for a few days sometime to teach me how and go fat biking. This is like the start of a horror movie as well. As much as like, hey, I. I whip up a bunch of drugs in my house, want to come over and check it out and then go biking. Like, this is how people get murdered. But I do appreciate that you have the friend in common, so there's trust there with the friend. They've known them, they're saying they're a good guy. The LSD thing, like, again, this is like. I honestly, I didn't see any of this coming, but I. Old guys, tmi. How do I respond to him? Okay, we're here. I gotta read that paragraph again. We covered our history a bit and he seems to have a great interest in LSD when he was younger. He seems to have a great interest in LSD when he was younger. Well, I would assume that that interest hasn't gone away if he's talking about this three hour coffee date and currently likes to make olive oil tinctures of THC and cbd. So I guess that's thc CBD infused olive oil. And invited me to his house for a few days. I mean for a few days when it's you just met for coffee. But I guess he's friends with your friend to teach me how and go fat biking. Okay. His appearance is typical live in the woods kind of guy that pops up on my dating apps. He was fun to talk to, but his thinking was vastly opposite of the political aisle. And I changed the topic. Okay, so politically you guys are opposed to one another in some way. Anyways, he talked about sex a lot. He said he had was a self sexual. What is a self sexual? He has a good sense of humor for the right person. Anyways, what. What is a cell? I'm. I'm afraid to google that. Self sexual meaning. Okay, let's see what that means. Self sexual attraction is a sexual orientation called autosexuality which is when someone is primarily sexually attracted to themselves. Autosexual people may experience more sexual pleasure from themselves than others. That. I mean they have sexual dream. Autosexual people may fantasize dream or have sexual desires about themselves. They may prefer solo sex over partnered sex. Autosexuality is. I mean self sexual attraction is a sexual orientation called autosexuality. So they're the one in the same. I've never heard of this. They may be. They may prefer solo sex over partner sex. Autosexuality is a sexual orientation and sexual orientation is a spectrum. Autosexual people may still want romantic or sexual relationship with others. Autosexuality is different from auto auto romanticism which is when someone is romantically attracted to themselves. Okay, even with that definition I am not sure what this means. But I. I guess to me that wouldn't that be a narcissist? But I don't mean to like be mean. Whatever. Okay, it's starting to make sense that this guy overloads you with information. I mean. Okay, anyways. He talked about sex a lot. He said he was self sexual. He has a good sense of humor for the right person. Okay, anyways. This is the second. Anyways, I left right after for my three hour drive home, I don't know how to respond to his text messages and was surprised at them. I have a hard time letting guys down and prefer to slowly ghost them, but I'm trying to be better. The main reason I got off the apps again is because of this. Men seem to want younger women, so the old guys like this are usually who asked me out because I'm young. To them, she writes with a sweating, smiling emoji. I'm attaching a photo of me so you can see the sport and screenshots of the conversation. So I'm looking at the picture of her on the bike. She looks great. The bike is cool. Also, I haven't been sexually active for a while, but he is not someone I want to do any of that with. He comes across as a dirty old man. Okay. But he's friends with my friend and she keeps saying he's such a nice guy, so it seems harder to just be blunt. I did tell her how he talked about sex a lot. FYI, the last thing I'm interested in is an old man's prostate health. Thanks, Peggy and Otso. That's the name of her bike. So I, I don't have the screenshots, so apparently those didn't come in. Based on this, it sounds like you want to. I don't know, I guess the question here is, hey, I want to turn down this guy and I don't want to insult my friend. If they're your friend, they will not be insulted that you didn't decide to get together with, with this guy here. It's how do I respond to an old guy's TMI is the question. That's not really the premise of this email. This is how do I tell a guy to back off and you know, he's three hours away. Again, there's danger inherent in this whole thing. Like, I have to acknowledge, like, it's dangerous to like turn a guy down. I understand that. I'm not like, I'm not going to soften that. I will say to you I think it's best. You have to. And I know this is hard for you. You already wrote this is hard for me. You're trying to be better. The main reason I got off the apps again is because you, you wrote I don't know how to respond as text messages, was surprised at them. I have a hard time letting guys down. He's gonna be fine. Again, the person he wants to have sex with the most is himself. So that's one thing that you know already he already said he's a self, self sexual guy, whatever that means. So that means he's into him. So you turning him down, at least it's not the love of his life, which is him. So if I hope that makes you feel better about turning him down, you. All the other stuff has nothing to do with this. You wrote a lot of other stuff. I haven't been sexually active for a while, but it's. But he's not someone I want to do any with. I, you know, I got off the apps, usually asked me out. Because you're talking about the apps and then you're talking about this guy. The apps are a different thing than this guy. You took a chance, you went and visited a friend. You went on a biking trip, you had a good time, you had a three hour coffee interaction with this guy. Let's simplify this whole thing. You walked away from that interaction thinking he's a dirty old man who you don't want to fuck. Okay, that is plain and simple, black and white, done. My advice to you is let's go in order. Go to your friend and say, hey, thank you very much for introducing me to your friend. It's not a romantic match for me. I really appreciate that you fixed this up, but I just want to let you know before I send him a text letting him know as well. There it is, done. Plain and simple. And I think the fear with, and especially for women, and this is from my male side of things. So much of women's relationships seems to be getting together and discussing your love life. And I think when a woman turns down a guy, they. To me, again, I'm talking. This is from my, from listening to these emails over the years, it's like, you don't want to lose that interaction with your friend. You don't want to have to go to your friend and be like, you know, and complain about the dating apps, which is what you would do with your friend, of course, and go. And you wrote to me like, what you would talk to your friend about and you don't want that friend to look at you and go, well, I tried to introduce you to Larry, but you didn't like him. You don't want to lose your friend and the topics that you talk about because you turned down a ready, willing and able guy. And I understand that. I think it's okay to have taste. I think it's okay to be turned off. And I think your friend would understand that too. I don't think you lose out on the Ability to talk about your dating life because you turn down someone who is a living, breathing person who would fuck you. Like, that's. That is. That is not fair. So this is me telling you that if someone won't talk to you about your dating life because they try to introduce you to someone that you. That they're not really being a good friend. And I think that's the fear, because for you, it's. To me, you know, you're an adult. You know, it's okay to say no to this guy. You don't have to go with him just because he's the guy who will, you know, because you fit his age range. No, no. So now you go to him. Hey, I really had a good time meeting you. This is not a romantic match for me, but I totally wish you the best. Good luck with everything. Thanks for being such a good friend to my friend because she really thinks highly of you. Boom. Done. You're out. You got to hit him in the heart. It can't be a maybe because this guy, this guy's a little weird. He's making oils like a witch's brew to try and get fucked up in the woods, you know. No, no. He will take any room for. Let's just, you know, we'll just be cuddle buddies. Like, this guy's living in the margins of like, you know, normal society. So you're not looking for that. So if you give him an inch, he will take a mile. If you say, well, you know, it was nice meeting you and right now's not the time, he'll be like, well, what about us doing, you know, you know, sending each other self love videos? It's like, okay, get out of here. So that's my advice. You got to hit him in the heart. You gotta go, hey, man, great to meet you. Little. Little compliment sandwich. Positive. Great to meet you. Had a great time. This is not a romantic match for me. I wish you the best. Thanks for being such a good friend to my friend. She really thinks highly of you. Boom. Jtrain podcastmail.com Jtrain podcastmail.com We are in the Monday mailbag. I got two more mail bags to do. We have two sponsors which if they can help you go use the promo codes that will help this show. Not every sponsors for every person. I get that. The first one that I'm going to do is herobred. If you're looking for bread and you're like me and you're always watching yourself and you're looking for the best version, the most Efficient way to eat a sandwich, I would say is with Herobread. If you want to make some better food choices, you can still eat the sandwich, the taco and the burgers. Just use Herobread. 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Herobred is offering 10% off your order. 10% go to Hero Co. Use code jtrain at checkout. That's 10% off your order with the code jtrain at Hero code. So in the description of today's episode, you can get that offer. We got one more ad and I'll read it after the second email. Sorry for the cough. I have a little bit of a cough going and it's tough. I saw there was a review, it was like, stop coughing in the mic. I'm sorry. I apologize. Dear Jared Feather, all the things. Saw you in Berlin. So much fun to see you. That's so nice. Thank you. I had a great time in Berlin. Two shows in this like smaller room. They both sold out. The second show, I remember there was this woman that like she was hammered and she wouldn't face the stage. It was, it was like a bizarre and there was no opener. And Berlin is like, I wish I was longer in Berlin. I was definitely like a weird energy there, but fun. My question, why do men put their credit score as some prompt on their dating profile? Is this some kitschy thing to show they have money? Screenshots attached? So I'm looking at the screenshot. It says, a random fact I love. I have zero debt and an 820 credit score. It's pretty cool. And this guy's 35. He's okay. So I, So this person doesn't seem to be in Berlin, or maybe they are, but they, you know, it doesn't say that on the screenshot. I won't read the city. Why do they write this? Okay, I, the answer is to. So plain and simple, why. Why do men do things? To have sex. Okay, so, and I, I, I'm sorry if that sounds icky to you. I'm sorry, but, like, you know, they say women dress for other women, men dress for women. If a guy's wearing something, he thinks it will get him laid. Like, and I don't mean these are generalities, but in the dating sense, he's putting this on a pro. So anything a guy is putting on his profile is, hey, I want to be a more attractive suitor. This is hunting. This is animalistic. Now this person is claiming they see this a lot where a guy puts their credit score. This kind of goes into, like, the douchey alpha bro podcast world. And what they're preaching on in those, in that world isn't, like, not true, but they go too far. So, like, this is, to me is a going too far. When you put your credit score and you say you have your zero debt. Like, a lot of men are judged, you know, their attraction. You get judged by success. Are you safety? Are you somewhere I can, that I, you know, this is all stuff you hear from women too. Oh, I want them to have a good job. I want them to have passion. And they're taking that and they're going to the next level. And it's a little bit of like, show me instead of, they're showing instead of telling, or they're, they're telling instead of showing. I'm sorry to reverse it. And this happens on all profiles where someone's telling instead of, like, showing. You know, what they're trying to do is to take a shortcut instead of being, like, going on a date with you and getting to the conversation about debt and finances, which is something to be earned. I don't think I go into finances and debt in a first date scenario. They're trying to skip that process to get ahead of the other men out there. And this is something they're responding to. I've heard that there are all these deadbeat dudes out there. Well, I have a great credit score. I have no debt. That makes me a better option. So why are they doing this? They're doing this because they've kind of missed the Point of a dating app. The point of a dating app. Let's see if there's a vibe here for us to go out. And this happens on dating apps. This happens. I mean, this happens in person too, but it's not as much because it's uncomfortable to go up to a woman in the bar. Hey, nice to meet you. I have a 820 credit score. No debt. What's up, baby? You know, like, that's uncomfortable. You can write things online because you don't have to look at someone's face and you can be a little bit more bold. So again, when you're doing this on a dating app, it is trying to hack their way into your pants, is my true belief. Like, and the person that would respond to this, like, they're not, you know, I can see a good person responding to this, but I can also see someone responding to this for the wrong reason. Oh, okay. They're so mad at the people out that they've dated in the past that are, you know, in debt and have bad credit that they're like, okay, let me at least this is out of the way, but do I think this works? Quote, unquote? No. I think he seems like kind of a douchebag. Like, I don't even know what I. A random fact that I love. Like, it is such an asshole thing to write a random fact that I love. I got no debt. Well, what about like a fun fact? Like a Snapple Cap fact? That's kind of what we mend here. I don't think we wanted to hear about your no debt brag. So why are they doing this? I. I mean, my advice to you, anytime someone asks me, like, why is a guy doing this? I'm always like, I can give you an answer. But let's start at, you're not gonna fix this. This is a person with, like, a little bit on these apps in an emotionally bad place. In my opinion, if you write that on an app, you have missed the point, which is to be fun and light and see if there's a vibe that we can go out. And he's basically going, look at how safe you'd be with me. I got no debt. And, you know, check a box, go on the date with me. And it's just, I think this is him. This is kind of living in the alpha, bro. Yeah, because those podcasts are like, you know, they'll talk about this type of stuff. They'll be, I don't know. I would assume. I just see the clips online because I Don't listen to any of them. But it's like the story being told, like, okay, women are looking for a guy that is successful in a good place financially, is safe, is trustworthy. And then they go, well, here's the credit score. Guess you know, I'm good. It's like a little gross. So I hope that answers your question. We have another sponsor. Sports are exciting by themselves, but you're ready to kick things up but you're ready to kick things up a notch with DraftKings. So let me just. I'm a DraftKings user. I bet on all the playoff games. It is a lot of fun for me. If you're a single person and you're looking to, like, go to a bar and like, be a part of, like, the game, you can go to a bar and be like, hey, I am now a Bills fan because I put a little money on them. Put a dollar. Now you're a fan. You're in. It makes a game a blast. I'm into it. I like doing it. They're going to give you free money. DraftKings Sportsbook is an official sports betting partner of the NFL and they're ready to take game day to the next level. Ready to place first bet? Try throwing down cash on something simple, like what player you think will score a touchdown. 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For additional terms and responsible gaming resources. See DKNG co Slash Audio. So all the sponsors are in the description of the episode. We got one more email. Jared, I'm 24, living in NYC. Let's just say the dating scene is a battlefield right now. Well, I'm going to ask you at 24 to just have fun. And I know that's the worst advice and the thing you don't want to hear the most, but, like, calling it a battlefield at 24, when you have a whole group of friends that are all looking to go out all the time and people aren't married yet and maybe have friends and relationships, but they're, like, going out, I'm saying life is good right now. I'm not saying it's bad when you're 39. I'm 39 and single in the same city. I'm having a good time. But, like, our words become spells as Jordana. We've talked about on the UF podcast. Jordana. Words are like spells. I agree with that. I went on two dates with this guy from Hinge. He's in his early 30s, has a great job, attractive, and most importantly, Jewish. LOL. He was a solid texter from the start. Made an effort. Picked me up from both dates, Queens to Brooklyn. So not a short drive. So he drove to Queensland or he drove to Brooklyn from Queens. Okay. Paid open doors, asked all the right questions. Basically doing everything right. Yeah. This to say, like, when you set up the email like this and the title of the email is from I'm marrying this guy to silence, it goes back to the dating scene as a battlefield right now I'm 24. When you speak at extremes, you're gonna. You're gonna fall hard. You know, what goes up must come down. And to me, everything you wrote about him is like an easy thing to do. He's Jewish. He didn't have to do anything to be Jewish. Solid texter, pretty easy to do, made an effort. I don't know what that means. Okay. He picked a place to go. Okay, pick me up for both dates. He's got a car in New York City. Okay. That's a nice thing of him to do. Paid, not hard. If you got the money. Open doors. Okay. Asked all the right questions. Yeah. He was interested. That's nice. These are all nice things. Like, I know the bar is low. I know we're dealing with dating apps that allow you to write your credit score so that you can go, okay, is that a good enough number for you to fuck me? That's kind of like why that guy writes the credit score because he's trying to skip steps. So when someone doesn't skip steps, as you're writing. Right. Here you go. Well, he must love me. Well, maybe that's just how he dates. That's my pushback to you. After the first date, I wasn't sure if I was really into him, but decided to give it another try since he was being so attentive. Shouldn't have. Smh. Lol. Again, I'm going sentence by sentence, but I'm going to back. I'm going to come back to you and say, no, you went on a second date with him. Because let's see what happens. He made an effort. I don't think you shouldn't have. I disagree with that. The second date went even better. We ended up hooking up, which I never do this early on, but it just felt right in the moment. That's okay. I understand. Okay. I even drunk texted my best friend mid date saying I'm marrying this guy. Yeah, I'm like this. I'm now laughing. You're 24 and you're a young woman, 24 in the city and everything you're writing is what I wish I could drink an ounce of it. Is this optimism, this fun. You're the Carrie Bradshaw and this is the guy that's gonna, you know, that you guys are gonna start a life together. And I'm saying to you, all of this is normal and this is something that, you know, 34 year old you, if single wouldn't do, but may need to do. I think it's hard. You know, it's like a 34 year old single woman dating needs a little bit of this and you need a little bit of the cynicism of the 34 year old woman. And listen, if you. I'll keep going. Then the first red flag, he had me get my own Uber home. Which wasn't the case after the first date. Okay, I don't think that's abnormal. I know he's doing different things, you know, you go, okay. He offered to drive me, but it sounded kind of half assed. He didn't fight with me, fight me when I said I'd just take an Uber. We texted that night, but then two days later he hits me up with a hey, how's it going? And poof, gone. What happened? We were texting every day for weeks. He seemed genuinely into me. And now, nothing. I'm confused. The sex was great, so I don't think that was the issue. Why the ghosting Sincerely, a girl that hates dating. This email is hard to respond to because my response will sound like I'm being negative towards her. To me, I don't think anyone should be ghosted, especially if you've been physical together. Like, that hurts. That's not nice. I can give you advice to be a better dater. I can. Why would he do this? You know, do people become who they really are over the course of dating? Do we start as a version of ourselves and then whittle down to what we are? Yeah, that's what happens. So the idea, you know, it's funny. Like, even, you know, he had me get my own Uber home. It wasn't the case in the first date. I wouldn't drive you home. I mean, I don't have a car. I. I think I would drive someone home if I took. If I picked them up. I think the agreement would. To drive home. I guess to me, if, like, you know, it's hard. Like, I could imagine. And this is me speaking to the emailer, I can imagine being in a scenario where we go on a date. It goes well. Then we go on the second date. We have a great night together. Then we go on the third date, and I'm like, hey, you want to take an Uber? You want me to drive home? And they're like, oh, that's a little ha. If I got an attitude from that, I'd be like, what the fuck? Because now you're becoming more of the person you are. You know, you were a version of yourself, too. He was a version of himself. We're all playing these parts until we get to know each other for real. Like, this is. And again, I'm not apologizing for someone ghosting someone after you've been together and been intimate. I think that's wrong. But you're both dating and getting to know each other and see and trying to figure out who this person really is. You know, he hits me up with a, hey, how's it going? I'm just saying again, as I said in the beginning of this, I'm getting. There's three sides to every story. There's your side, there's his side. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Now, if you're sitting there, I would say to you, if you're waiting on ceremony for a text to come to you to test him, because you're like, well, before you got sex, you know, if. If. You know, like, I think, like, part of this email is, why did he ghost? People ghost, and they don't know how to say, how do you say to someone, I had a great time, but I'm not looking for a long term relationship. And maybe, you know, these actions are what I do on a D. Not to mean that I'm looking for. And maybe I don't see the match with you and I, you know, while it was great physically, maybe I don't see the mental thing after three dates. I don't know. I don't know why it's hard to say that to someone. Well, now there's the advice I'd give to you, which is to text them and say, hey, what's going on here? I feel upset. I think that's okay to say because you're writing into me and you're going, he seemed generally into me and now nothing. I'm confused. Well, how about I'd take the word, I'd take the phrase I'm confused and exchange it with, I'm turned off. I'm getting less text than before. I'm turned off by the weirdness of his text. And then I would say to you, go to him. Hey, I'm a little turned off at how our conversations have been going. I thought I had a great time on both the dates. And then, you know, the third date, you didn't drive me home and you kind of didn't, like, fight to, you know, get me out of the Uber. Now he has a right to say, hey, I'm not going to drive you home after every day. I did that in the beginning because I do that on first dates. And then the more we get to know each other and you said you didn't really fight me to say when I offered the ride you didn't want to. You know, that's a discussion of two people at the negotiation table. That's two people, you know, talking things out and getting to know each other. I don't know how much you're texting him or if you're just waiting for a text to come from him. And every day you don't get one. You can call him evil and a ghost or that you know that people do that. And I'm saying to you, don't. If I were you, I would text him, hey, I'm a little annoyed that I feel like I'm being brushed off. And I would text him, like, I would know what I want. What do you want from that text? I would. You either want to keep getting to know him or you've gotten to know him enough that he acts this way after you guys have been physical and you don't like him. Your email is kind of written in the form of why doesn't he like me? I would start in the form, I think you can look at this a different way and look at it in the form of I'm kind of annoyed by you. I'm turned off by you. So why the ghosting? Ghosting happens when someone is, it doesn't know how to put words to, I'm not that into this. And they're too afraid to say it to someone. Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it right? No, it's wrong, but people do it. But I would also say to you, stop being confused and start being turned off and start saying that to the person. Saying that to the person is not a weakness. Saying to someone, hey, I feel like we're not talking as much since the second date. I'm a little turned off by that. That's a strength that someone with taste. And again, you're 24, living in New York. This is the time to develop taste. You know when you say we hooked up and I never do this early on, I think that's more, I think the relate again. I've had to, you know, everyone has had to do this. I've had to do this. My relationship with sex and what makes me feel good about it, what makes me feel bad about it, that takes time, that takes experience, that takes a lot of that. You're not going to know that right away. It's, it's, it's a shitty process. Or maybe some people know that right away. But I, I. The process of like, oh, sex on the second date where this person wasn't as committed to this as I was, feels bad. Okay, maybe it's not second date sex that you don't like. It's, you know, uncommitted sex is what you don't like. Not knowing where the other person stands. Hey, I'm only, you know, you know that, that, that you know. Do you not like this, the result after the sex or that you had, you said it was good. You know what I mean? So that's part of this too is developing your own relationship with sex. And it's like, you know, it sucks, but I would text him, I would text him and get rid of the confused. You're not confused, you're turned off. Because it sounds that way. He seemed, and he might be genuine, he seemed genuinely into me. But I'm just saying, to me, this is the most 24 year old email and I appreciate it, I think it's great. But I think your perspective will be better where if you don't speak in such grand terms again, he's dating too. He's figuring out if he likes you just like you're trying to figure out if you like him. You both have different ways of doing that now. You have to do it with class. He's doing it in a not classy way by ghosting. I'd let him know that. And if you want to get together with him, I don't think that would be a loss either. If you want to say, hey, I can do another date, but you got to like make me feel good about going on this date. And if you can't do that, I gotta leave you. I gotta dump you. That's okay too. Jtrain podcastmail.com keep sending your emails back next week. Boom.