Why do guys I've matched with on dating apps ask for my Instagram? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid - The JTrain Podcast

The JTrain Podcast: Why Do Guys I've Matched with on Dating Apps Ask for My Instagram? – Detailed Episode Summary

Podcast Information:

Title: The JTrain Podcast
Host: Jared Freid
Description: The JTrain Podcast is hosted by comic Jared Freid and features great comedian guests as they read listener emails and answer questions about everything from hooking up and dating apps to relationships and post-grad problems. Every Monday!
Episode: Why do guys I've matched with on dating apps ask for my Instagram? - MONDAY MAILBAG
Release Date: February 3, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of The JTrain Podcast, host Jared Freid dives into listener-submitted questions, offering insights and humorous takes on modern dating dilemmas. The focus revolves around the complexities of online dating, particularly the increasing trend of men requesting Instagram handles early in conversations on dating apps.

Email 1: Navigating Flirting in an Exclusive Relationship

Listener's Dilemma: A 41-year-old woman shares her experience of being in a four-month exclusive relationship with a 44-year-old man. While their bond over shared interests like music is strong, she feels the relationship lacks the playful flirting that typically ignites the "honeymoon phase." Concerned about whether she should take the initiative to increase flirtatious interactions, she seeks Jared's advice.

Jared's Response: Jared empathizes with the listener's situation, acknowledging the discomfort that can arise when one partner desires more playful interaction than the other. He emphasizes that relationships require mutual effort in maintaining romance and suggests specific strategies to rekindle the flirtatious spark.

Notable Quotes:

[15:45] Jared Freid: "Vulnerability produces vulnerability. If I got that text from someone, I would be excited, and I'd be like, 'I like that they're thinking of me.'"
[16:30] Jared Freid: "Sometimes, with texting and flirting, it's hard to switch gears. But starting with something like, 'I've been thinking about you all night,' can open up the conversation."

Key Insights:

Initiate Playfulness: Encourage sending thoughtful, flirty messages to shift the relationship dynamics.
Be Specific: Referencing shared experiences or intimate moments can reignite attraction.
Understand Limits: Recognize that not all attempts may yield the desired response and maintain empathy.

Email 2: Overcoming the Friend Zone in Niche Hobbies

Listener's Dilemma: Feather, a 35-year-old woman, describes her frustration with being frequently placed in the "friend zone." After a seemingly flirtatious skiing trip with a male friend from a club, her direct approach to label their outings as dates resulted in awkwardness and lack of reciprocation. She questions whether she's inadvertently projecting asexual energy or if external factors are at play.

Jared's Response: Jared commends Feather for her courage in addressing her feelings directly. He reassures her that her intentions were clear and that sometimes, despite doing everything right, chemistry simply doesn't align. Jared encourages her to continue engaging in her hobbies and leveraging her friendships to meet potential romantic interests.

Notable Quotes:

[25:10] Jared Freid: "You did everything right. Sometimes, chemistry just doesn't align, and that's perfectly okay."
[26:00] Jared Freid: "Go on a ski trip with friends and let them see you at your best. Your genuine self is your greatest asset."

Key Insights:

Self-Belief: Trust in one’s own qualities and intentions when seeking romantic connections.
Leverage Social Circles: Engaging with friends can organically lead to meeting compatible partners.
Accepting Outcomes: Understand that not every connection will evolve romantically, and that's a natural part of dating.

Email 3: The Instagram Request Quandary on Dating Apps

Listener's Dilemma: A 29-year-old woman from a major Midwest city observes a growing trend where men she matches with on dating apps request her Instagram handle before meeting in person. Despite having a well-curated dating profile, she feels uncomfortable with this request, perceiving it as a potential red flag. She questions the motives behind such requests and seeks advice on how to address them without dampening the conversation's playful nature.

Jared's Response: Jared delves into the possible reasons why men ask for Instagram, ranging from seeking verification to fostering a more casual dynamic. He critiques this behavior as immature and suggests that it often detracts from the genuine connection intended in the dating process. Jared advises the listener to set boundaries firmly yet kindly, reinforcing that Instagram should not be a prerequisite for dating conversations.

Notable Quotes:

[35:20] Jared Freid: "Asking for your Instagram before meeting in person is a sign of immaturity. It sends a casual flag that detracts from the dating platform's structured intent."
[36:15] Jared Freid: "If you don't feel comfortable giving out your Instagram handle, it's totally reasonable to let them know without taking the fun out of the conversation."

Key Insights:

Red Flags: Early requests for personal social media can indicate a lack of seriousness or potential ulterior motives.
Set Clear Boundaries: It's important to communicate personal comfort levels regarding information sharing.
Focus on the Present: Encourage interactions to remain within the dating app until trust and rapport are established.

Listener's Follow-Up Example: Jared reads a detailed exchange between the listener and a suitor who aggressively sought her Instagram and made inappropriate comments. He uses this to illustrate how such behavior is a clear indicator of disinterest in a meaningful relationship.

Additional Notable Quotes:

[38:50] Jared Freid: "This conversation proves that asking for Instagram is more about making things casual than building a genuine connection."

Conclusion

Throughout this episode, Jared Freid addresses complex facets of modern dating with empathy and humor. He underscores the importance of clear communication, self-respect, and understanding interpersonal dynamics in both in-person and online interactions. By dissecting listener experiences, Jared provides actionable advice aimed at fostering healthier and more fulfilling romantic relationships.

Final Thoughts: For anyone navigating the intricate landscape of dating apps and modern relationships, this episode offers valuable perspectives on maintaining authenticity and ensuring that interactions align with one's personal comfort and relationship goals. Jared's candid and thoughtful approach serves as a guide for listeners seeking to enhance their dating experiences.

Notable Timestamps Recap:

[15:45] Discussing the impact of vulnerability in fostering deeper connections.
[16:30] Strategies for initiating flirty conversations without overstepping.
[25:10] Affirming self-worth and the importance of mutual chemistry.
[26:00] Leveraging friendships to naturally meet potential partners.
[35:20] Critique of early Instagram requests as indicative of immaturity.
[36:15] Encouraging listeners to set boundaries while maintaining conversational flow.
[38:50] Highlighting how certain behaviors confirm listener's suspicions about motives.

Stay Connected: For more insights and episodes, listeners are encouraged to subscribe to The JTrain Podcast and engage with the community through emails and social media platforms.

Transcript

Jared Freed (0:00)

It's a mailbag. Munder, do, do, do, do. You got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello and welcome to the jtrain Podcast. This is Jay Train Jared Freed coming live from the West Village of Manhattan. That's right, everybody. Every Monday is a mail bag. Monday, you, the listener, send your emails or your DMs. You can send it to jtrain podcastmail.com or you can send a DM at J train podcast. Lifestyle, dating, relationship, friendship, family. Any type of advice, something you want perspective on, send it in. We love your emails. I have three in front of me today. We're going to do three emails. I have a screenshot. We love a screenshot. We have great topics. I just, I want to thank you for listening to this show, being a part of this show. It is a user driven show. So the fact that you send your emails to me at all or trust me to just talk about your issues in a, in a thoughtful way, it means a lot. So thank you. Thank you for being a listener. Thank you for being a part of this show. Thank you for being involved. You know, this is, again, it's. This is a relationship. I come on here and I tape alone. But I know that I'm with you during maybe a part of your day, that you need a break from the craziness of the world, and I'm happy to do that for you. So, and here's the deal. All you got to do, you know, to, to, to pay it back is, you know, how do you pay it back? And that's not really a great way to say it, but. Because I don't want to make you feel like, you know, I'm holding you up for cash. But we have two sponsors. If they can help you, use the promo codes, if they can help you, if they have nothing to do with you, then that's okay too. If you can share the show, let people know about this show. If there's a problem I go through today that a friend of yours brings up and says that they have a similar problem. Send them the podcast, get them in, get them involved. Make it your Instagram story. That's a soft way to tell 100 people. Very helpful. Also, we have a YouTube channel. I'm really investing in the YouTube. The YouTube is. Every Saturday night, I'm doing something called Saturday Night J Train. Every Saturday night we put up a longer clip. I put up a little taste of it on Instagram, but then there's a longer Clip. Some of them are 10 minutes, some of them are five minutes, some of them are 15 minutes. And it's me talking with a crowd in a city that I'm performing at. So we have taped. I'm. So now I'm taping every show. We got, you know, sets from the comedy seller. I have sets from Batavia, Illinois, Phoenix, Portland. You're really just going to get a little bit of a, you get to like peek into what it's like to be at a random Friday night show in Portland, Oregon, which I think is pretty cool. And, and my ask of you is to go watch them there. And I'm not putting them out there. They're. I put them up because they're entertaining. So you're gonna get entertainment out of it. Like, comment, let me know what you thought was funny. That's the thing about Tick Tock Tick Tock. They really know how to interact with the video. I think on YouTube I, I don't have that as much but I would love for it to be more. So this is my ask of you to go to my YouTube. Just search Jared Freed on YouTube. There's so many videos. Plus we put up chit chat Wednesday there. So every Wednesday you can see my guests. You can see me. Let's get to the emails. We have three, three emails to sponsors. So we'll go email, sponsor, email, sponsor, email. Did I do too many? Also New Zealand and Australia, Those are happening. I'm coming, I'm coming to New Zealand and Australia. And if you're listening today, there is a chance I'm coming to Alpharetta, Georgia. So Alpharetta, Georgia just got added in before I head to New Zealand and Australia. So if you're around that area, that would be fun. This is a last second ad. I think someone backed out. They were like, J Train, can you, can you make it to Alpharetta? I was like, I'll be on the next train. So jaredfree.com for that. And then there's Patreon. Patreon's a great way to support the show. Five bucks a month gets you the Friday episode. It is called Coffee with J Train. I just taped Coffee with J Train this week. I have a crazy story about my mom. Also I talk a lot about like alcohol and dating and the mix of the two and you know, I get very personal there. So patreon.com jaredfree those are all the announcements. That's all the. Let's get to the emails. Polite Dating. I like the title because I'm a polite Dater. I think I am. I hope I am. I 41 female, have been dating this guy, 44 male, for four months now. Things are going really well. We get along great, bond over our taste in music, and have clarified we're exclusive. This all sounds good. Why would you be writing into me? I'm used to dating the flirt. She puts in quotes. But this guy isn't like that. He's very reliable. We've been in serious relationships in the past, but single. But been single a few years. I know they say you should wait for the guy to set the pace in the relationship. I don't know who says that. No, I don't believe in that. No, I think the pace is matched. And then if you're dating and you said you're exclusive, I think you got it. I don't like. I hear why you say that, but I disagree with you. I know they say, who's they? This is something that, like, as a society that I've tried to stop doing. I've tried my best to stop doing. They say they're mad. They're gonna be. They're. They're angry. You know, they're. They're. They're offended. Let's be specific. And if you can't think of someone, then maybe someone isn't that mad. Isn't that offended? Isn't saying you should wait for the guy to set the pace. I don't believe that. But should I amp up the flirting? I know they say you should wait for the guy to set the pace in the relationship, but should I amp up the flirting? I'm not sure what you mean by that. We're very polite with each other. I don't want to come. Come on too strong, but I feel like someone has to send the cutesy text and start moving this thing into the honeymoon phase. Are some guys not into that at all? Not all. Are some guys not into all that? I'm clearly overthinking. Please help. I don't think you're overthinking. I. I really like your email. I'm not sure what you mean now. Is it like, are you saying, you know, you said, I'm used to dating the flirt, but this guy isn't like that. He's very reliable. I don't understand the correlation between being a flirt and being unreliable. I. It does sound like you're overthinking. You're saying, you know, set the pace. It's. To me, a lot of the words you use could be interpreted many different ways. I know they say you should wait for the guy to set the pace in the relationship. But should I amp up the flirting? We're very polite with each other. I don't want to come out and too strong, but I feel like someone has to send the cutesy text and start moving this thing into a honeymoon phase. Now, the honeymoon phase to me is sex stuff is. So are we. Are we kind of mechanical? Is the sexual nature of this not really lustful? Is that even the right word? I don't even know. Are you not breathing down each other's necks? Are you not making out in public? I don't know. I don't know what. A lot of yours is vague. Here's what I will say. Especially in the beginning, it can be tough. Like, if things don't go that way. It's hard to, like, take a hard right sometimes. Here's what I would say to you if you want to, like, amp up the sexual tension and energy, because I. And again, to speak to your point, I have been on dates with people where I'm like, I think we're just two friends. Like, we've kissed, but we haven't really, like, everything. You know, we never really tell each other. Like, we haven't, like, gone into that, like, sexual phase where you're like, maybe we're just not feeling that. Maybe we're not built that way. Because I. And then I've been in other relationships where, like, you go on one day, then suddenly, like, you're telling everyone you know about every crevice in your body, you know, And I've had it. And I always wonder when I'm dating, when I'm dating someone or texting with someone, where it's gone the sexual way. I'm like, how did this happen? How did we get here? I don't even know what made that happen because I am very unlikely to do that. I am more towards this guy where I'm gonna, like, hold my cards a little bit because I don't want to be the one that seems like I'm in this just for sex. Like, I don't want to get sexual too quickly. So it's. When I have done that or have gotten down that road, it's usually I'm being led. And when you say that you should wait for the guy to set the pace in the relationship, I don't. You guys are already exclusive. Like, so you've clarified your exclusive. So, like, to me, what I would. My advice to you is the next time. And I hope I'm like, I hope I'M I hope I'm centering on the right topic, because if you're talking about flirting, as in we don't really give each other shit, which is a form of flirting, like, you're not, like, making fun, and you're not. It's not playful, then to me, maybe this. That's not what you guys are. Maybe you might not just be that type of hang, but that would also mean that you're missing something, that you're looking for playful energy. That. And I. And I hear you sometimes, like, listen, I go on stage, I'm like, this crowd just feels like we don't connect. And this is you being on stage going, well, am I connecting with them, or are we just checking boxes? But I would say to you, if you want to, like, change the energy of the conversation, here's what I would say. And I've had this text sent to me, and I liked it, and it got me talking a little more. So maybe like a Monday, Tuesday night, you're home, send a text. It's like, I've been thinking about you all night. Just say that. And he. If he's a polite person, he's gonna. And if he's, like, not sure how to handle that, what I would do is like, what do you mean? That would be my. That's a ver. It's like, oh, yeah, tell me more. What do you mean? What are you talking about? What have you been thinking about? And then what I would do is write back to them a text of the last time you guys were physical, the last time you guys were together, last time you had sex, last time you were in bed together. I was just thinking of that, you know, the. The other night when I was laying with you. Get specific, and it's just like. And then end it with, it just turned me on so much. And maybe that jostles him a little bit. Again, vulnerability produces vulnerability. If I got that text from someone, I would be excited, and I'd be like, I like that they're thinking of me. I like that they're turned on by me. I like that they're like, okay, that. And again, sometimes, like, with texting and, like, flirting, you know, it's hard to go from one speed to another. It's hard to, like, be talking about, like, so, how was your day? And then it's like. And I was thinking of your fat cock. Like, it is hard to take a right turn like that. So I think if you start it with, I'm in bed, and I was just thinking of the other night. Okay, what were you thinking of? I was just thinking of the last Friday when we were together and you were, you know, and I was on top. You know, you can get specific and it. And end it with it just turned me on so much. Now let's see how this dynamic plays out. Now, he might not be up for that. Again, the problem with sexting or, you know, sexual texts like this, this isn't even. This is like soft sexting. You might be catching him at a time where sexting wasn't right for him, or he might get back to you a little bit later or maybe, you know, falls asleep, he sees in the morning he's on his way to work and he can't get back to it in kind. But, yeah, so give empathy to that. Give time to that. But let's see how this goes. That would be my advice. And I don't think. Here's the thing. No relationship has ended because someone told them they were. So when you. To go back to you. I know. They say you should wait for the guy to set the pace. No, no, no. You are feeling like you want to be having flirty conversations. That is good for you. You don't know how they're going to respond. If they respond and they're up for it now, you're going to be, look at that. We're happy they met you at your standard. If they don't, the relationship will not end because you sent a flirty text or sent a sexualized text. The answer, the relationship will end because you will soon be turned off that this person doesn't want to be flirty with you. And I think fearing that. I understand. Maybe you're fearing, you know, messing things up. I don't think there's such a thing as messing things up when someone is at the negotiation table with you. Jtrain podcast@gmail.com Jtrain podcast, gmail.com Listen up. This ain't the little tiny bowl. It's the Super Bowl. It's time to get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 59. New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get 200 in bonus bets instantly. So now is the best time to get started. Pop some popcorn, fry some wings, and put your money where your mouth is. This year, here's what they're doing. 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Call 8 8-777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 plus. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void. In Ontario, bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng co/audio. So that is the sponsor. We have one more to go. Got two more emails. Dearest J Train, longtime listener. Oh, we have two emails. I'm sorry, the second? Oh no, no, we have three. I'm sorry, excuse me. Feather Feather, longtime Patreon subscriber here. Thank you. I'm running for your take on a dating predicament. I'm a 35. I'm a straight 35 year old woman. I have a great community of family and friends, a solid job, interesting hobbies. Overall, things are really good. With one exception. I find myself in the friend zone more than I would like. Recently I went skiing with a friend I've made through a club we are we both belong to for a niche a niche hobby. In the past couple of months we've spent a decent amount of time together and the vibe had felt flirtatious. So in an effort to be direct, at the end of our last ski day, I asked him if he considered our plan to go to a New Year's Eve party together to be a date. He got super flustered and awkward and said no. I asked if he'd like to go on a date at some point and his response was lukewarm to say the least. Something about being in a gray area with a couple of People he's been out with and not being sure how he feels about dating someone from our club. That's a no. I'm sorry, I. I'm not. I'm being direct with you. But he's trying to be nice. He doesn't know how to answer this. Despite the awkwardness. I'm glad I asked. His wishy washy response was a huge turnoff. Good happy you got. Listen, let me just tell you. Good for you. You had someone that you liked hanging out with. You saw that there could be this chemistry. You went for it. It didn't work out. That's okay. But I'm happy you got turned off some. That. That's a beautiful way to put it too. The fact that you, you know, just seeing how they were sitting there like not sure about you. Why wouldn't you be sure about me? I'm great. I'm wonderful. I have the same hobbies as you. Who are you to be wishy wash about me? I get it. This background brings me that question why am I able to make new friends but I'm somehow not seen as a romantic prospect. Am I sending out asexual energy? I don't buy the idea of men being intimidated. So what is it? I've been manifesting a guy to go skiing with. My hope had been for the guy to be someone who also wants to date me, not another platonic male friend. But alas, here I am. I am trying hard to put myself out there, but this was discouraging and makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Looking for your forward to your take a too friendly gal. I. Well, let me. You're doing nothing wrong to me. You did everything right. I. I mean I'm reading your email again as I'm. As I'm talking to you but in the past couple of months we spent a decent amount of time together and the vibe had felt flirtatious. I think the hard part about dating is you can do everything right and it still doesn't come out the way you'd like it to come out. And again, this guy wasn't for you. He is not your match. And that's okay. I do think you know, you said I'm not seen as a romantic prospect. I don't think that's the case. I like there's so many people that would love to have the experience you had. You go, you find a new friend in a club that likes your hobby and then you go skiing and. And look at you've met someone in real life. Everyone wants That I think the distress, the, the, the, the tough part, and I'm with you, I don't think people are intimidated. I don't, I don't buy that as well. For every person that is intimidated by you, someone is going to be turned on by getting approached by you. So I, I, and I, I think the problem here, and I don't believe like the disposable, everyone's like, all the dating apps make people more disposable. I don't really buy into that as much as I do think it makes this guy kind of the why he's wishy washy. And it does make an interaction like this be because it's like, this took a lot of work. This took time. You made a friend, you met someone new, they like what you do. And to have it not work out, you're like, you're like, I must be doing something wrong. But like, you did it like in like, I think the apps, like, again, I always compare it to sugar versus sweet and low. The apps are sweet and low. It is like you put it in coffee. It is super sweet. You get a lot of it. The apps you can get match, match, match, match, match. This in person thing that you had is sugar. It doesn't hit the coffee as hard, doesn't it? Not as sweet. You need a lot of sugar to make the coffee change flavors. And it's just this, I know why this is. Like, I feel bad because I don't think you did anything wrong. Like, you felt a vibe. You're not wrong for feeling that. I don't think you're sending out asexual energy. I think, I think the one, the problem with, like, I'm stammering a little bit because I don't know how to answer you. I don't know what to tell you other than do it again. It's gonna work out. Especially with what you, with the way you did it. Oh, we have the same hobbies and we're on a trip together. Why would you know, I can understand being annoyed. You're like, why would you even go on a trip with someone that you were flirting with that you, you want nothing with what's going on? And I'm just asking for a date. Like, I, I, I would be annoyed too. And I'd be writing in someone going, what the is this? What's going on to me? You got to go back again. And it's, again, sometimes it feels like you're banging your head against the wall. But I, I, I don't think you did anything wrong? You know, is there a way to like, you know, establish in the beginning? I don't think there is because this is how a relationship starts. Like this is the beginning of a movie. To me, I've been manifesting. I gotta go skiing with my, my hope had been for the guy to be someone who also wants to date me with another platonic, not another platonic male friend. Well, that's the other thing that gets annoying is like, what were we doing here? Were you really looking for a friend? You gotta, I, I, to me. Here's what I would do if I were you. You said you have a great community of family and friends, solid job, you have this like interesting hobbies. And what I would do is go skiing with friends. I think the friends that you have that are your real friends. I know you, you, you, you going skiing with these new people that you know, share a hobby with. I think you want to go skiing with friends and let them know that you're looking to meet someone. I think that's like the way you're going about things isn't wrong. I just think like, let's change it up a bit. I think go on a ski trip with friends and that's when you're at your best, when you're hanging with your friends. That's when you're at your most, most you. And then a couple things will happen. Your friends will go back and go, oh my God, let's think. You'll be the, you'll be the first person they think of when they meet a single person because you were so fun on that ski trip. Also, you'll be at the mountain on a ski trip with your friends who know you're single and around other people skiing. Maybe there's another group with another, you know, again. And this is the hard part of this advice is like there's just not a lot of it. There's just not as many people on this mountain as there are in the, in the app in your pocket. So I don't think you're asexual. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think you got to keep going and you got to dig into your friends. Jtrain podcastmail.com Jtrain podcastmail.com We have one more sponsor, Hero Bread. You don't have to give up burger night or Taco Tuesday with Herobred. You can focus on your health and still indulge in the stuff you love. You're probably thinking that a high fiber bread with low net carbs and zero grams of sugar would be gross. It's delicious, it's soft, it's fluffy and you won't even notice it's not quote unquote regular bread. I have Herobred, I have the bagels. They're really good. They're really good. You put them in the toaster oven, they're really good. And it's just nice to know that like if you're going to choose A or B, you're going to choose the one that's going to let you eat more and feel fuller. Herobred makes sliced loaves, tortillas, bagels, dinner rolls, burger buns and more. So no matter what's on the menu, they've got you covered. Make sure you keep an eye out for their monthly small batch drops of favorites like 4 gram net car bagels and other new surprises coming all year. Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co use code J train at checkout. That's J train H E R O CO one more email send it in send in your email jtrain podcast gmail.com jtrain podcast gmail.com Dearest J train, longtime listener and Patreon subscriber. Thank you. I'm a 29 year old female in a major Midwest city and I've been on the dating apps for the last year or so after my two year relationship ended. One thing that I've noticed has substantially increased over the last three to four months is almost every guys I've matched with and planned a date with asked me for my Instagram handle. I honestly feel like my hinge does a good job of showing what I look like. No group photos, only one sunglasses pic three full body three close up. The only thing I can think of is they want to make sure I'm not catfishing them. That's an option. For some reason it's kind of a turn off to me. I I agree with you. I can understand why that's a turn off and I get a little creeped out thinking about some random guy I haven't met in person yet scrolling through my feed and jerking off to a bikini pick. Haha. Listen, I I can understand why you'd feel that way. It does feel a little like why do you need more? What a what about my profile didn't get you to one drink to see if we vibe my profile? If PR is private by the way and I only post 3 to 4 times a year with 500ish followers, all family and friends at the same time. I've been chatting with Someone for a few days, and it's been going well, and we have a date planned. It's more of a red flag than a deal breaker because I will give these guys the benefit of the doubt, given we haven't even met yet. So here are my questions. Why do guys ask for your Insta on a dating app before meeting? Okay, so I'll do the first one. Why I don't do this. I do match with people and then try and figure out where they are. You know, do the Google search of, you know, their name, college, you know, job, and go, oh, maybe I can find them and see, you know, what their life looks like. I guess would be the reason for that. But it's never. I never think of that as needed to go on the date. If I'm to give you my personal, you know, opinion, I think also. So when I go and search them out without, you know, them giving it to me, you go, well, Jerry, why are you searching? And you go, I just want to see what their life kind of looks like, do they have friends, all that stuff. But it's. It's really because curiosity. There's no good reason. I've never needed that to go on a first date, if I'm to. To tell you the truth. So I. I don't think any. Again, the way you describe your profile, it doesn't sound like it's your profile. I think, like, the. The hacky answer, like, the immature answers, like, they want to make sure they're not getting catfished. Like, I. I get. I. Anyone could say that, and they would sound like they're somehow funny or thoughtful. And I. I actually am weirded out. Like, I don't think that's a very mature response. I don't want to. What are you going to. It's one drink. It's. You really worried about getting catfished? It's like that. If you're so worried about getting catfish, get off the app. Like, I just think it's an immature person. Now, there's another level to this where it's like, since they're asking for your Instagram and, like, if you follow someone before you've even met, there is this thing where I do believe social media is the land of casual, where when you're watching stories and you're just keeping up with their life and you kind of, you know, they're out on a Saturday, hey, you're out, I'm out. Let's meet up. It. I think it can change the dynamic of, like, this is a. We are going on a date to see if we could be in a relationship. And I think Instagram is a way of like getting away from the seriousness of it all. And that's why, again, why I wouldn't suggest it for anyone to do. Like, I see people's Instagram profiles on their page and I'm like, I think it's a bad move. I don't think it's going to help you. They write too. If it's not a deal breaker for me, how do I kindly reject? I. I guess, okay, I can understand why someone asking would turn me off. I don't know. Right. If it's not a deal breaker for me, how do I kindly reject giving out my Instagram handle without taking the fun flirtiness out of the conversation? Well, I. I think you can do that. If the fun and the flurriness come out of it, it's their fault. It's because they're upset. They're being a baby. I feel like if I go, if I just go. I don't feel comfortable giving out my Instagram before I meet someone. It kind of shifts the vibe to a more awkward place before we even meet and sucks the light out of the conversation. If it does, then you were never meant to meet them. Because writing I don't feel comfortable going on my Instagram before I meet someone is totally reasonable. To be unreasonable and to change the vibe, it's because you're a baby. The you're being the other person. The other person's a baby. If they can't handle hearing that. PSI attached a screenshot of one of the more aggressive requests. We chatted on the app for a few days and then he asked for my Insta slash phone number. This was one of the first times I got this request. So I just gave it to him and then this happened. I was pretty turned off and didn't want to go out with him after that anyways, but helps paint the picture. So let me read this. I mean, the first text is from him and he writes, just followed your ass. This is blank, by the way. Ha. So. So again, I do think asking for the Instagram handle is a sign of immaturity. It's a sign of being a baby. I don't like. These are all from my end because I'm going. I've never needed that. It's a sign of looking of. I think it's sending out casual flags. She writes, haha. Figured and was just. And just saw that and followed back. See, again, you're following each other. It's One thing, if they went to your account, like to go follow, you're like, why are you following me here? What was this again? I do think it's to make it casual. Just haha. Figured, figured and yes. Saw that and followed back. Just added, be right back. Gonna creep. Cute face and a lot of booty. Dangerous. Lmao. Sorry, you don't have much to creep on in return. She writes, yeah, to be honest, I don't really love the sexual comments when I haven't even met someone in person with a clenched teeth emoji. I think totally understood and I'll dial it all the way back, but I did enjoy our conversation and I'll text you in the morning if you aren't completely turned off. Good night. She writes, yeah, honestly, I'm not sure I'm really feeling a date anymore or if we're looking for the same thing, but just really don't like how that's brought up. How that's brought up. Best of luck. So. And then they thumbs up that exchange. I think I'm proven right and this was my theory, but this conversation proves me right. This is the land of casual. This gets us talking casually. This takes us away from the structured format that is dating app. Again, think of the roof you're under. The roof of dating app is dating. We are on a dating platform, so we should go on date. It's hard to be like, hey, look at that hot body on a dating app. Because it's like we're in this formalized place when you go to Instagram and now you have each other's numbers. Now we're in the same places that I text my friends, my families, the people I get physical with, the people I have sex with. Again, it's social media. Is the roof social. Roof of social versus the roof of dating app. I do think this matters. So I do think if I'm to like, give notes to your text instead of saying, I don't feel comfortable giving out my Instagram before I meet someone. If you want a more fun and flirty way to say that, maybe it's, hey, you know, Instagram is for my real friends and family, not the str. You know, not a stranger on the Internet. Like, you could like play that angle. I think, hey, I'd love to give you my Instagram once I actually know who you are. You know, once I actually meet you in person, maybe that's a fun way to do it. But I do think like, you wrote that you turned off. I know you said it's just a red flag for you. I would contemplate making this a deal breaker if someone asked for the for the Instagram handle. I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but it does sound like you're making this exception for someone that you already know isn't really your vibe. I think Asking for the and I guess, take it from me, random guy in the Internet comedian me with nothing to gain. I'm telling you, there's no Instagram needed for me to go on a date. So why would these people who have something to gain sex casual be asking for the Instagram handle? It can't be for good reasons. J Train Podcast Mailbag Monday Every Monday, back next week. Boom.