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The JTrain Podcast
Why was I excluded from my brother-in-law's wedding pictures? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Bloomington, Indiana. That's right, every Monday is a mail B. Next Monday, where you, the listener, email me the comedian with your advice questions. That's the show. I do two emails every show. I have two in front of me that are thorough bullet points. Family issues, relationship issues, lifestyle issues. We got it all here. So my. My ask of you is to send in your advice questions. Jtrain podcastmail.com you can also send it over Instagram @jtrain podcast. I would love for you to follow that Instagram account, Chris, on YouTube. YouTube. We do chitchat Wednesdays. We have the video version of that show every Wednesday. Also, I'm putting standup there on YouTube. So I want you to follow the YouTube channel and come to a show. This. These are all apps I have. I'm sitting here in Bloomington. We're getting ahead a little bit because the producer of this show, V, she is heading off to far off lands and beaches and she's taking a little vacay. So we're getting ahead a little bit. So if you've noticed or you're a follower of the show, I've taped a couple in Bloomington here, but I'm also on the road. I'm going to be in Denver, San Francisco, Denver. These are big cities for me because generally I have a good turnout. So if you're new to this show or you're in these areas or you know someone in these areas, I would love for you to, like, come to the show or tell the group chat or assemble the group chat or tell a friend. So Denver, San Francisco, Providence, win a. So those are three, like Denver, San Francisco, Providence. I'm expecting good, fun shows. Come on, let's reach those expectations. Tell a friend, a coworker, a brother, a sister, a mama, a papa, anyone who wants a laugh, which is everyone right now, right now. I hate that. I hate when people right now. We could really use a laugh. What do you. What are you referencing? I think everyone needs a laugh at every point in their life. So it's Denver, San Francisco, Providence. Then I'm coming to Winnipeg. I've never been. Flights are expensive. So please come to the show. Kansas City, Richmond. So that's like my schedule coming up. I'm also on a. There's a grander schedule that I'm not going to get into now, but if you're in a major city, I'm probably coming to town, so. Jaredfreet.com for all the tickets. I have two emails in front of me. Again, I can already see it. I read them with you on the show and I like to do this every now and again so someone could be listening. They found their way to this podcast via my Instagram. Stories are new here. Why would anyone ask you for advice? Well, I've been doing advice content for over a decade. People have felt comfortable sending me their problems for over a decade. Why? I think they know that I'm fair and honest and I'm not putting my. Well, I guess my emotional state does have something to do with the perspective I give. But I think most of all, you know that when you send something here, I'm not going to out you or shame you. I think all questions are valid, especially in this space. And I'm not making eye contact with you. I think anyone in your life that has to look you in the eye and you ask these questions, they might ask, they might answer differently, they might soften and also they have a personal relationship with you. They might go. They answer things based on the backlog you have with them. The only backlog I have is your email, which sometimes I use. Sometimes you write something a certain way and I go, well, I can tell there's something in your head that you made. You write that. As I've said many times in the show, sometimes the answer's in the email. So let's get to it. 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And if I'm out there thinking of hair options, I think nutrifal is the first stop on that journey because again, 1.5 million people. There are multiple formulas for both men and women so you can find what works best for you. Start your hair growth journey with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering J train listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to nutrafol.com promo code Feather Find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement brand@nutrafol.com spelled n u t r a f o l.com promo code feather that's nutrafol.com promo code feather so we have two sponsors. All the sponsors are in the episode description. Again, there's four bullet points with this email which makes me excited. Jared, Big fan. I need help understanding the inner workings of the male mind. Well, I will give you my male mind perspective. The promise isn't that I will be exactly how the person you're dealing with is thinking, but I'm not a hundred percent different. I think that's something we have to remember. When you put numbers to this, my answer is within a standard deviation of what you're dealing with. I can promise that actually. Well, I can't promise that, but I can. I can confidently say that my answer isn't going to be like leaps and bounds and away from where the answer lies. Okay, what's the deal when a guy texts after a date but doesn't ask to go out again? These are real examples from guys whose profile say looking for a long term relationship. Let's start with something you wrote that I want to acknowledge and I've said here before. Writing Looking for a long term relationship is if someone writes on the dating app or someone checks the box on the dating app of looking for a long term relationship. That is something that I would stop caring about. That is something that everyone checks the box of because they truly do believe they're looking for a long term relationship. The only box I would trust on a dating app is if their profile says looking for short term, looking for hookups looking. I would only acknowledge that if you're trusting looking for a long term relationship. You have to remember that a lot of people, men specifically, while they're looking for a long term relationship, they're looking to have a little fun along the way. And I do a little shimmy dance move because it does feel gross to say and it does probably sound gross to hear. But that is the absolute truth about most men you're meeting on a dating app. Would. And again, they don't feel. When you don't say it out loud, it doesn't feel as gross. It actually feels very normal. Yeah, of course I'm looking for a long term relationship, but if I was to meet someone along the way, I would have to date them before getting to that point. And dating for a lot of people means kissing, hooking up, casual. Some people casual leads to dating for them or they believe that's how it gets there. So what you're doing and I'm trying to like communicate to you is when you say, when you say, how could someone go on a date with me and keep texting without making another plan when their profile says they're looking for a long term relationship, I would say to you, you are looking for clues in the wrong places. You're looking for evidence to your argument in the wrong places. You're going to be disappointed if you are putting weight in looking for a long term relationship. So here are real examples that they write. It says he wants to meet me again, texts after the date to say he had fun, asks what my Thursday Friday looked like, then takes 10 hours to respond and never sets anything up to me. When someone's doing that, they're feeling you out, they went on a day with you, you're perfectly nice, they are attracted to you. Here's the other thing you have to remember about a guy going out with you from a dating app. He's sure of one thing, he wants to fuck you. So knowing that, it takes a lot of, you know, this whole thing of like, well, I gotta go out again because I'm not sure if I'm attracted. They know they're attracted to you. So don't look at this the same way you're looking at it. You're looking at it as, let me see how I feel after a few dates and see if I'm attracted them. That is not how this person is swiping. That is not what got them to leave the house. It is good and bad. It is good to know that the person you're on a date with is attracted to you. It is bad because maybe they're only there for that. So you don't know. So when you say, okay, you go on, you said you went on a first date. So you go on a first date in the premise that you've presented to me. You go on a first day, then they say they want to see you again. And then they text. They had fun and asked what my Thursday, Friday look like. They're basically feeling you out when I, when. When I would text, hey, what's your weekend looking like? It's me hearing, well, I have. Well, I have this, this, and that going on. And I can see now the field is in front of me. So especially if a guy's looking to just hook up, you go on the date, he's attracted you, and he's like, okay, I want to take this slow from here. You say, well, Thursday I have this going on, and Friday I have this going on. So now he sounded like someone who wants to make a plan. You've told him what the lay of the land is, and he can go, well, I'll be out on Friday. Maybe we can meet up Friday in more casual hours, and then we can see what happens from there. Now they're getting that in between of, like, a real date and nothing, which is where a lot of guys on dating apps want to be, sadly for you, because they're going, okay, I don't want to go on this big production of a second date because I don't want to say with my actions and I'm looking for too much, but I do want to keep this ball in the air. So let me ask about the weekend and see where I can fit in casually. That's why they're doing that. And if they're not making a plan after that, they're going, I don't fit in casually anywhere. And let me check with the other people I've been texting with. Keeps texting throughout the week to ask about my day, but still no plans. Again, keeping the ball in the air. They are attracted to you. They like you. Maybe they're going, I don't really have the time to make a plan, and I don't want to make a plan for two weeks out because my schedule's looking bad for that. So let me keep this ball in the air. Sends a photo of his new hat and asks about my night. Doesn't make plans. You have to understand that a lot of people that you're texting with are lonely and bored. A lot of people that you're meeting on the dating app are putting you on their text chain because they got nothing else going on. You are somewhat of a placeholder. And I don't mean to make you feel bad with that description. I'm just saying, people, the texting thing, it doesn't matter at all if you don't value your own time. No one else is going to value it for you. And these people are valuing their time. They're saying, I'm bored. Oh, this is a cute girl I went out with. Let me just shake this tree a little bit and see what happens. And she's answering the last one says we should do that again soon, then disappears for a week and randomly sends a TikTok. Again, boredom and loneliness. The men you're dating have that as much as you have that. If you feel bored and lonely, so do they. And I do have this opinion. Before the dating apps, I think people I think a lot about, like when I'm on the road and if I didn't have a cell phone and I didn't have the Internet, how much harder that would be, how much a phone that gives you this semi connection, Especially at a young age when you're immature and you're not really sure what you're looking for is like this like small drip of a connection. And for some of these people, it's all they need. These people who text you about your day, about your week, if they couldn't have done that, they probably would have gotten married because the loneliness would have smoked them out of being single. So they text like this to keep themselves less lonely, but also without having the responsibility of someone new in their life that they have to answer to. So right now you are the loneliness drip. You are the connection drip. You are giving them a little bit, just enough of someone else, another human that they don't have to go out and get married and then have a partner who's going to ask them how work is when things are tough. So I'm just saying this from my, like, I'm speaking for myself. Like all of these texts that you're getting are guys that don't, that are feeling lonely, that don't want to make the adult move towards commitment. So how do you stay in between? By having people that you can talk to, but it never gets heavier than, oh my God, something happened today. And you know, so these conversations are light and airy because that's where they want to be. So you're asking a lot of questions and I'm giving you a lot of answers. But here's my kind of question to you. What do you want? Well, if you want a relationship and you said that they're looking for long term relationships and that would you want. You kind of have to start stop being a bag in the wind. Just a few examples, but I'm getting mixed signals. No, you're not. You're not the only signal is a plan. A text is nothing. Why keep asking if there's no follow through? I just told you. Is there a time limit where if he hasn't asked me out again, I should just assume he's not interested? See, that's your biggest problem. I know I could ask them out and have before, but the responses are always legit excuses. Still, part of me thinks if you wanted to see me, I wouldn't be wondering at all. Is he a bad text or is he just not that into me? You have to stop asking your questions in the you form. And I know you're saying you go, I know I could ask them out. No, no, no, that's not what you could do. You could ask yourself if you actually like this person. You can say, hey, did we have a good date or am I just trying to go on the second? What is your goal? And I'm, I'm like, I'm not meaning to get like yell at you. I'm, I'm not, I'm not trying to be stern with you. I'm just saying when you say I think do they like me is a bad way to go and I understand that's the first thing you want to hear. It makes it easier on you. And I do think we do these things, you know, when you ask, do they like me now you're absolved. No responsibility on you. I'm asking you to take a little responsibility and I think they'll make your dating life easier. Did I have fun? What do I want next? Okay, I had a good time. I'd like to go out with them again. I'd like to do dinner. I would text that, hey, I'd like to do dinner. Next time you're free, make a plan. And I'm in. And again, that's advice I've given here a hundred times. But you ask for a time limit, there's no time limit. There's a text limit. You're not going to answer anything else but the plan. At that point. If you send that text, the next text is what you making that plan. If it's not, you're not answering. I would walk away from it. Now, I've given you what you wanted, an on, off switch. I'm trying to make this easy on you while you also are your own individual person who has taste. Because right now I know I could ask them out and I have before, but the responses are always legit excuses. Still, I mean it's how you're asking. I'd like to go out Again to see if this could be a connection. Make a plan and I'm in. To me. What? There's no excuse at that point. Well, this week I have stuff going on. Cool. Make a plan and I'm in. Okay, so it would be like two Tuesdays from now. Okay, cool. Make a plan and I'm in. It's as simple as that. Like, there's no legit excuse. Are they busy until the end of time or they're not going to. Make a plan and you've gotten your answer. But I'm saying you have to also decide. When you say their profile looks, it says they're looking for a lot. I. I built a character study of you. When you say their profile says looking for a long term relationship and you're putting weight in that and then you say, I could ask them out, but they have illegitimate excuses. How do I know if they like me? Again, you're absolving yourself from any responsibility on this. I need you to take a little bit J train podcast@gmail.com J train podcast gmail.com Hero Bread. I love hero bread. It's delicious and it's better for you bread. Isn't that what we all want? Eating regular bread is crazy when you can have hero bread. Each serving contains 0 net carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 22 grams of fiber. So you can enjoy burgers, brats and taco Tuesdays with the best of them without compromising your goals. With HeroBread, you're not even giving up anything because it tastes incredible. And you never know it's low net carb or high fiber. It tastes just like the fluffy bread you're used to. I can attest to that. I can tell you right now tastes delicious. 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They don't want to be more serious, and when they're pushed to it, they back off. Make a plan, and I'm in. That's very friendly. That's very nice. Oh, I got. I got my mom's birthday on Tuesday. All right, sounds good. Just make a plan. And I'm in. Jared, longtime listeners, so excited to see you in Providence. I'm excited for Providence. So I love. I need your advice on handling a situation with my husband's family during his brother's wedding. For context. My husband is the older brother of the group. We've been married 13 years. The wedding was a small, out of state affair in wine country, New York. Beautiful, but a long car ride with four. Four kids. Two under two. Oh, my God. Four kids in the car to upstate or, you know, assuming you probably went to, like, Saratoga Valley, something like that. I got all the kids dressed, assuming they'd be in family photos as Paulie's only nieces and nephews. Okay, so you're married to the older brother and the groom. You've been. So you're 13 years married. I mean, you're the family. Okay. I got all the kids dressed, assuming they'd be in family photos as Paulie's only nieces and nephews. After the church ceremony, my husband told me to take the kids back to the hotel while he rode with the bridal party. No one asked us to be in any photos, so I left feeling invisible. Back at the hotel, I waited. Well, I don't know where this is going now. I don't know if there were pictures taken or not, but to say I left feeling invisible, that is a. If I heard that, I would. I would feel. You feel a certain way. That is a. That is deputy. That is not nothing. So I'm. I'm. I. I'm sorry that happened, but I'm. I'm saying, like, this is a serious thing when you leave a wedding feeling invisible. Back at the hotel, I waited for my best friend to babysit so I could finally relax the reception. When I arrived, my husband's entire family was mid photo. They saw me broke apart, and no one said hi or asked me to join. This is crazy. It was a small wedding, maybe 45 people. And I've known these folks for 15 years. I left in tears. Eventually my husband and Paul convinced me to return, but I was told I was being dramatic and ruining the wedding. They said I'd be included in pictures if I came back. I wasn't. Was I overreacting? Could I have handled it better? Thanks for the advice, sad sister in law. I am. Listen, I, based on this email, again, I, when I saw you said I left feeling invisible. At a family wedding where you've been married for 13 years. Again, if you had been married for one year, it would still be valid. I'm just saying 13 years with four kids. They, you know, I don't know where the grandparents are in all this, but let me just also say, when you write my husband and Paul convince me to return, like where are the parents? So I, I, I will say this. You wrote this so that I would agree with you. And I, and I, I'm, I'm being honest with you. I feel for you. But there's many things missing from this email. Eventually my husband and Paul convinced me to return, but I was told I was being dramatic and ruining the wedding. They said I'd be included in pictures if I came back. I wasn't. Was I overreacting? Could I have handled it better? Thanks for the advice. I don't know if you could have handled it better because I don't know the whole situation. Here's what I will say and based on what I know, and that's what I can only go with. If I was at a wedding and they had a photographer and they got the whole family together for pictures and the brother's wife of 13 years wasn't in the pictures, I would wonder what the hell is going on? And I would ask if the marriage is on the rocks. I would ask what the plan was for the pictures. Was this a creative vision? Again, the size of the wedding doesn't matter. You say it's a small wedding and 45 people if there's a photographer and the wife of the brother who's in the bridal party. So this is a close brother. It's not even like the brother is a estranged brother. But that would also be the explanation. The brothers aren't close, so they just wanted to do the one photo so they could stand being around each other. The brothers can't stand standing next to each other for more than 10 minutes. So we did a quick photo and that's why the wife of the brother wasn't involved like that. To me is an A plus B equals C situation based on what is written here, which is not a lot. All I know is that you've been married 13 years, you have four kids. Again, like the way you wrote this was to convince me to agree with you. I do agree with you. I'm just saying the parts you left in and the parts that aren't here. All I read from this, I'm married 13 years. There was a photographer at the wedding. I showed up and they acted weird when I got there, when they were taking the pictures, I would say, yes, what the hell is going on? There's a problem here. Now here's where my brain goes. Does the family know something that maybe you don't? But that's a weird way to interact with your wife of 13 years. Again, I would assume. But I've like, like that's how I would have acted at 22, dating someone where I've told the family, yeah, I'm not really into this. And then they all get weird because they don't know how to handle it. And we all act weird towards a girl who's going to be my future ex girlfriend. But that is like something I would regret. That's something that I would look back on with embarrassment. This is you with your husband and you have four kids with them and you've been married 13 years, which means you've known them even longer than that. So again, I don't know more than I know. I know there was a wedding. You, your husband was in the wedding, your brother in law got married and you weren't in the pictures. At a wedding where pictures were taken, that is off. Now if you went to them and you say, what the hell is going on? Why wasn't I in the picture? And they were like, oh, we were just doing the pictures without you. We wanted to get them over with. And then you said, well, I'm part of the family. Wouldn't you want the family involved? And they were saying, you're being dramatic. I would again agree with you. I would say, no, you're not being dramatic. They are gaslighting you into believing that you in some way shouldn't be involved in these pictures. And again, here's where like I'm giving all these scenarios to again agree with you, but to make it less emotional because it's not emotional for me, because there's many different versions of this where I would say you are being dramatic. If you, if they said, hey, we're doing pictures and the kids aren't involved, we don't want kids in the pictures. We just want to do the immediate family. And if that was said to you and then they go, well, you're not in the media family, I'd be like, what? I would still be on your side. But if they said, no kids and we're just doing the pictures, I would go, yeah, that's okay. And then you were like, well, the kids aren't in the pictures. I got them dressed. If your argument was that, well, I spent all this time getting the kids dressed up for the pictures, I would say that's not your decision to make. It's not your wedding. But that's not even your argument. Your argument is, hey, I walked downstairs and it felt like I was interrupting the pictures of the people I thought were my family. What the hell's going on? I would say I have the same questions as you. So this is a, this is a tough one because I agree with you, but I don't know what else is going on. And also, like, I would love an update. I think everyone listening would love an update because you hear something like this and you go, what am I missing? Like, I, I could see because I'm either missing, hey, this is how we chose to do the pictures. And that wasn't communicated correctly that the bride had her. Oh, again, maybe the bride and you don't get along. I don't know. But this feels very passive aggressive to me. If I'm the bride and I don't want my future sister in law in the pictures, I kind of plan for that a little bit better so that she's not going to be tipped off at the wedding and feel and crying at my wedding. I don't want that to happen. And if you were crying at my wedding, I would understand why if I didn't do it correctly. So again, like, I don't know what the situation is, but from this email's perspective, I, I, of course, of course you're not overreacting. Of course there's no way to handle this better other than to feel left out and to cry and feel like my family doesn't even want me in these major family moments. So I wish you the best. I'll see you at the show in Providence. Hopefully there's an update. Hopefully I'm looking at you and your happy husband and you guys are together and doing wonderful with your four kids. But based on this, I would go, I have a lot of questions. Jtrain podcast, gmail.com Back next week, Boom.