Jared Freed (0:00)

It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is Jay Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Boca. That's right, every Monday. It's a mail bag Monday. You the listener, write in and me the comedian and podcaster, answer your emails. That's it. That's the whole show. I've been doing it for over a decade. It's weird to even say that out loud. I'm old. I belong in Boca. I'm here in Boca. If you listen to the Patreon, patreon.com Jared Freed. You're hearing about all the life changes that are coming up with me. I might be making a little bit of a residency here in Southern Florida. So. Patreon.com Jared Freed to kind of go through the highs and lows of that decision making process. My family being involved and hearing feedback and how difficult that is. I get, you know, I get very personal on there. So it is difficult. It's hard and it's hard to, you know, to put out, you know, such personal things. But I, I do feel a connection with you, the listener, you, the viewer on YouTube, the you, you know, this is all kind of, there's, there's not a lot of, there's not a lot of barriers, which, you know, maybe I need more. I don't know. I don't know. I'm here on a mailbag Monday, venting, taping this on a Friday. And so I want you to join the Patreon. That's been very helpful for keeping production value afloat here and making sure that, you know, this podcast keeps running. So five bucks a month gets you first dibs at ticked off Tuesday. Plus every Friday you get to hear my diary entry for the week. That's what Coffee with J Train is. Otherwise, I'm going back on the road. I'm going to be doing some shows, people. San Jose, California. I don't think I've ever been there. No, I haven't. I heard the theater. The, the, the room is awesome. Also London. London. Those tickets come out this week and then I'm coming to Stanford, Connecticut, Hartford, Connecticut, Richmond. All of those places. I will be doing shows. These are club dates. Except for London, which is like a smaller theater. Ish. Leicestershire Square Theater, I think it's called. I think I just, you know, it's like someone trying to pronounce. Worcester, Mass. Worcester. No. So jaredfree.com for the tickets, assemble the group chat. That's what I want. And here are additional shows. The U up podcast live is this Wednesday. I want you to come. I want you to come with friends. I want you to be. Enjoy. It's a great show. New York City, Wednesday night, you up live. We bring people on stage. We do dating app makeovers, deal reveals, red flag deal breakers. Petty or all the pettier. Picky. Picky or petty? No. Pettier or pr. Prudent. Prudent or petty. And then it's icky or picky. We have a. I mean we got a game for everything. So jaredfree.com for the tickets and that's our announcements. I think, you know, share this show, let someone know. We have three emails in front of me today. One with screenshots. We love a screenshot email. Email. We'll get to that one. Sponsor Ara Frames. Just letting you know it's our frames. Before I read the ad, I'll read it in between the emails. I have many aura frames at this point. What a fantastic Mother's Day Father's Day gift. Just saying that before I even get into the ad. I am a user and my whole family, it's like become a group chat item. It's a fun app to have. That's a social media with people you actually love. So that's. That ad is coming. And. And lastly, I am going to be opening for Jon Stewart this weekend. So Richmond and Raleigh. Richmond, I already mentioned, is going to be. I'll be doing my hour show, my show at the club. But outside of that, I will be in Richmond and Raleigh opening for the legend himself, Jon Stewart. I've done it before. He's fantastic. So I don't know if. And this is my small way of he doesn't need my help but I'm sure you know, he wants people there and you know, if you can get a ticket, that's. It's a fun night. I've seen him live. He's unbelievable and he's been nothing but nice to me and in any interaction I've ever had with him. So that is all I'll say. Cool opportunity for me. Excited to have you guys along for whatever ride this is and let's get to the emails. Let's do it. This is what the show's all about. Oh, oh, oh. One last announcement. I'm sorry, one last announcement. One more thing. Send your emails. We need that. You're the. You're the coal that gets thrown into the engine of the J train. Do you see the imagery I'm using. We need your emails, life advice, relationship advice, anything. Anything you're that's on your mind. Send it in j train podcast gmail.com also the Instagram account is. You can DM that and V is looking at all those DMs so @J Train podcast on Instagram j train podcast gmail.com for any email you want to send to the show. Friends and ex husbands. Here we go. J Train has become my new morning pod I listened to while getting ready for work. Love it. Thank you. The dilemma I, 32, female single was recently in was involving was recently, wasn't. Okay. I read these with you as you know, live on the air. So we're going to try and get through this. I'll go back if we have to clean this up. Was recently involving my BFF of 14 years and her very recent ex husband. I wish I knew what the sentence said. I'm going to try and get through it. The dilemma I, 32, female single, was recently in was involving my BFF of 14 years, 31 female single for the first time since age 21 and her very recent ex husband. They were together for 10 years. I don't know what that sentence is. Was involving or maybe this is involved My was recently I if it's them as the third as the mistress, then this is a different I don't. I'm not reading it that way. Her very okay. They were together for 10 years, then got married and six months after the wedding he came to her asking for a divorce. Her ex and I both recently got new jobs that happened to be in Battery Park City in buildings next door to each other. And I just knew I'd run into him at some point. Then it finally happened about five months later. Okay, let me translate if I can, based on what was written here. We'll try and do a better job in the future of making sure these emails that's on me. Okay. I'm assuming she has a best friend forever. She wrote BFF of 14 years. So her BFF got a divorce from her husband 10 of 14 and they had been together 14 years. They were together 10 years, then got married six months after the after the wedding he came asking for a divorce. So they get married. So they're together 10 years, they get married, then he wants a divorce six months later. Okay. And then her ex and you get new jobs that happen to be in Battery Park City. You run into each other. We stopped and chit chatted for maybe five minutes. Then we spent our we stopped and chit chatted for maybe five minutes, then we went our separate ways. And then I got a text from him saying it was nice to see me and to let him know if I ever want to grab lunch slash coffee. I ended up telling my baby. She was furious that he texted me and told me she was only comfortable with me responding with thanks, you too, or just not responding at all and simply liking his message. While I want to be a good friend of my bff, I also don't want to give an response to a text that was fairly nice. Attached is the text, please omit my name. I will attached as the text exchange and how I responded. How would you handle this if you were me? Now listen, you have. You're. You've already established the sides by the way you describe the relationship. You describe it as your BFF and her ex husband. That's your side. So you letting your BFF know that your ex. That her ex. You letting her BFF know that her ex husband and you ran into each other and a text was sent, that's a nice thing of you to do. I think it also is for your own. You don't want that on your conscience. So you're doing this for your own benefit. You don't. Which I agree with. I think you're trying to get ahead of. You don't want to lie to your best friend ever. And even if this lie would make her feel more comfortable, you want to let her know kind of what's going on in these streets. And here's the thing. The ex husband, if he's all jolly and nice with you and you don't know the relationship with him and her, oh, maybe they get to talking over whatever they have to talk about. Maybe they're ending the marriage. Maybe they're going through the divorce still. Maybe there are things to split up and he slips. Oh, and I saw so and so last week. She was really nice. I text her to get lunch, we're going to get lunch soon. And he gets ahead of himself. And now you're in this whole thing. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So I think you handled this correctly by going to your BFF and going, hey, there was an interaction. He was very nice. He mentioned lunch or coffee, which I'm not gonna do, which I don't think you would like to do. And I think him saying lunch or coffee is kind of like him being like, we cool. It isn't like, let's get drinks somewhere dark and mysterious. No, it's Lunch or coffee to two people where there's a history with the friend. That is niceties to me. So let's read the text. Let's see what. How she went about it. I don't think you're. I also don't think that your BFF who's going through a divorce, gave such a bad response for you. Thanks. You too. Isn't being a jerk. That's. I think that's cordial. I think that's appropriate. I don't know what else you would have said. So let's go to what you actually said. But because her being mad, I think you're kind of mixing in with the response she gave because you heard the tone of it. But I actually don't think it's that bad, so. Because I ended up telling my BFF she was furious that he texted me. I think that's one of those things that, you know, obviously it's an emotional time. They're going through a divorce together, 10 years married. Then six months later he gets a divorce. She probably feels that he wasted her time and promises were made that were not kept. I can. Her being mad. Validated. But I think you're mixing her being mad with the response she would have had you give. And it isn't that bad. Let's see what he said. Great seeing you, Blank. And congratulations on the new job. Forgot to say it when I saw you. He's being. He is really being careful with you. He's making sure he. And again, I'm sure this guy knows he's in the wrong. He gets a divorce from her 10 years together, six months after the marriage. Oh, my God. I guess I don't want to be in a marriage with you. So he is trying his best to be an altar boy here. Okay. Great seeing you, Blank. And congratulations on the new job. Like, he is writing this. And congratulations on the new job. Forgot to say it when I saw you. Like, he's trying to be just clean, clean, clean. He's trying to make sure he, you know, he's. He's on the comeback trail. This is a PR comeback trail for him and the whole group because his goal as guy who gets divorced six months after getting married is I gotta fade into the mist. So this is his way of trying to do everything as correctly as possible. Let me know if you ever want to get lunch, coffee, and catch up. I'm always down and in the office every day mostly. Hopefully Blank and Blank are doing well and chilling. See, to me, that's him putting a bow on the conversation, letting you know we cool. That's not a real lunch offer. That's not a real coffee offer. That's. That is just niceties. Hey, you're in the same area. We're gonna see each other again. Wanna let you know that I did all the right things. So you can't feel o. So you won't. So that you won't feel awkward passing by me. You can wave, you can say hello, I am in coffee territory, just so you know. But there's no coffee to be had here. So you wrote back, thanks, you too, exclamation point. The boys are doing well. I think you handle this fine. I think this is you being cordial and nice. You shut it off. You don't respond to the coffee. You don't respond to the lunch. Just good to see you too. You didn't even say good to see you, which is good. Now your friend, your bff. Yeah, I just wrote thanks. You two boys are doing well, that's all. Now it's not because you have two. Two jobs in this text back cordial to someone you're not looking to start trouble with and showing what side you're on, making sure that when your friend asks to see the text as if it's like some sort of art piece that they need to see, which they will do. They'll be like, let me see what he wrote. Let me see it. They want screenshots, they want heads on stakes. They want to see what came back from the fishing trip. Cuz they're emotional. They're looking to just get anything. And then she'll look at this and go, oh my God, he wants to get lunch. And she'll be mad, which is her right. That's okay. All you want to do is keep clean. You want to make sure you're not giving too much to this person. You want to get away from the ex. Thumbs up to the X while also hugging the friend. The old thumbs up and hug. That's what you're doing. Good for you, you know. You know, thumbs up, have a good day. Here's who I hang with. Have a good day. Bring in the friend for the hug. Who needs it? That's the move. You did it. Great job. I don't think what they wrote was so bad, but what you wrote, you had a little. Add a little personality to it with the kids. Good on you. J train podcast gmail.com. j train podcastmail.com. we're sponsored. You know that photo of you as a kid sobbing next to the Easter Bunny. Yeah. Mom needs that saved in an aura frame. It's the best digital photo frame out there. And the gift you're going to want to give mom this Mother's Day, preload it with as many photos and videos as you want. Our frames have unlimited storage for unlimited embarrassing family photos. I have one, My parents have one. I put pictures on it all the time. I go on the road, I send pictures. Back when I was in Australia, I was sending pictures back on the fly. It's fun. It keeps you in touch with your family. It is. It takes all those pictures that they have on their phone that you're like, what are you doing with these? You can help your mom and dad through the process. It's going to take a little time with them. You'll teach them or they're good with tech and they're fine. But I'm just saying, most cases, my case, I took them through the app and then they can add it and it becomes a fun family event. It's great. I can't say enough good things about our frames. And you just nailed Mother's Day. It's off the list if you've not. If you haven't bought one before, it is. I'm giving you this right now. I'm giving you the gift of being done with Mother's Day. The setup is so simple. Just plug it in and you're ready to go. I know that from experience. It's great. Ara has a great deal for Mother's Day. For a limited time, J Train fans can save on the perfect gift by visiting aura frames.com use code J train to get 35 off plus free shipping on their best selling Carver Matte frame. That's a U R A frames.com promo code. J train support the show. Tell them J Train sent you. Terms and conditions apply. So please, please, please use the code if it helps you. Ara is great. Big fan. It's in the description of this episode. We got two more emails to go quick and easy. Keep sending your emails. J train podcast gmail.com Jared dating advice needed. Am I going to screw my chances with a guy I really like and think there's potential with if I sleep with him on a second date? Well, no, I. There's a lot in that sentence that you didn't use a lot of punctuation for. Am I going to screw my chances with a guy I really like and think there's potential with if I sleep with him on a second date? I don't think so. I feel like people always Say to wait, we had a good first date, and I think there will be a second. And a. And. And would sleep with him if we had a good first date. And I think there will be a second and would sleep with him if it was the right moment. But will he think that it's all I'm looking for? Thanks. No, he won't think that's all you're looking for. I think in most cases, the idea that, like, a guy walks away, oh, she just wanted to. And never speak again. I don't think most guys think that way. Even if it is the case, here's what I would say to you. You got to think in the key of me. I think you're right now thinking, I want to. You're trying to out. You know, you're trying to get ahead of someone else's feelings. You can only know you. So here's my advice to you. If you want to sleep with someone, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Be safe. Be all those things. All the. All the things that I have to say. Be safe and make sure you feel comfortable. But all the. Other than that, as far as, like, I don't. Relationships have happened in all ways. So for me to say, don't. Here's what you should, you know, the. The. I'm stammering because here's. Here's what sleeping with someone has, you know, reveals to you. Sleeping with someone will reveal things quicker than maybe you wanted. It'll reveal maybe how the other person sees how this is going. So you can really only act for yourself. So how. And so to me, I would abide by this. Just because I have doesn't mean I will. I think that's good advice. Just because you have slept with this someone doesn't mean you will sleep with them the next time. Just because you have slept with someone on a second date doesn't mean you will go out with them for a third date. So you're trying to see if they fit for you right now when you say, well, I ruined my chances. Who was he? Who is this person? What is he, some sort of, you know, sultan? Well, I mean, I ruined my chance at royalty if I sleep with them. What will you ruin a chance with? Here's the thing that I think your biggest problem is that you think there's potential with him. I don't know what that even means. I do know what that means, but it's like, I think you're giving someone too much credit. You went on one. Let's keep things in me I went on one great date. I would like to see them again. I will see what happens on that date to decide whether I, I want to go home with them. Isn't that a more powerful way to look at this whole thing? Let's say you do sleep together. I slept with this guy. He was really nice. I'd like to sleep with him again. Hey, let's go out. And then if he says, hey, just busy this week. I had a lot going on. Cool. So make a plan for the third date. And I'm down for that. Hey, still thinking on that third day, you have to be turned off at some point. So turned on, turned off. I think that will be very helpful for you. Now if you want to play a game of I want him to chase me, I don't think that necessary. I think you have to have someone chase your standards, not chase you. It's your standard. So what is your standard? I want to be taken out and brought on a good date, you know, and, and, and, and that's it. That, that's your standard at this point. So beyond that, it's just, this is all a languaging thing. I think if you change your language, the idea of, like, oh, well, I sleep with them. Well, I had a really good time tonight and I really am attracted to them and I really am feeling this. So I'm going to go home with them now. Some people there can, you know. This is also advice I'm giving, I guess, something I'm skipping, and I don't mean to skip it. What is your relationship with sex? Do you know it? Have you. Do you tend to get really into someone if you've been physical with them? And would that cloud your vision of what turns you on and turns you off? Maybe sex isn't right for you. I can't tell you that. Does going home with someone and sleeping with them make it so you're not really right of mind to make a decision on whether you like someone or not and it turns into this pass fail thing because right now that's kind of how you're looking at it. Will he accept me? Will I have done enough? No, no, no, no. That's not what it's about. Are you. Is that. Is this person the right match for me is really the question? Not, will I screw up my chances with him? What will he think of me? It's not. You got to change the perspective. I think when you're speaking like that to me, that means your relationship with sex, it might be. Not really worked out yet. But have I ever ended something with someone because they had sex with me early? No, that was never the reason. Now have I ended something with someone? Had it. It can go the other way too. Let's say things go too long without sex. I go, well, now if the sex happens, I will be show. I, you know, let's say I get 10 dates with someone and then I have sex with them. To me, in my mind, I would feel like I am acting as if we are. I am more into this than I am. Again, I'm trying to keep this in I terms, to keep to the, the premise. And I've, I've backed away from that because I'm like, this is. This sex thing has become so much of. And, and again, that might be good for them because they're like, okay, good. I didn't have, you know, they. On their end of things. They go, I don't need to know about sex to know whether I like someone or not. So me on the 10th date being like, I do want to have sex with them and I don't know how I feel about them. If I'm sitting there going, at that point, I go, well, maybe this is too much for me to, you know, too much of a agreement for me to get into. So it can go all ways. And that's not me trying to, like, talk you into. I'm just saying that's my relationship with sex where I needed it as part of the decision of, you know, of my. A match with someone. But it can't be all of it. It can't be. To me, that would be too much pressure on my end, not for everybody. J train podcast.com jtrain podcastmail.com I also know that I would be more attracted to someone who understands their own relationship with sex and says, take it or leave it, than I would be someone going, you make all the decisions and let me, you know, and. And I'll judge whether that means you like me or not. One is confident. One is passing on the confidence of someone else. So j train podcast gmail.com j train podcastmail.com Keep sending your emails. We love these emails. Can DM@j train Podcast Follow the Instagram account. Dearest J Train, huge fan of everything you do and all your sage advice. I'll get right to it. I'm a social worker and I've been at my current job for almost six years. I've been promoted three times and I'm currently in a supervisor role. I like my job, but I've been looking to do Something differently for quite some time now. I've applied, I've applied for a ton of jobs, gone on a lot of interviews, and nothing has worked out for me. I'm starting to get discouraged and I don't know what to do. Any input would be appreciated. Best surviving, not thriving. I would say to you, well, there's, first of all, trying is a good thing and dreaming is a good thing and putting yourself out there is a good thing. And I know that there's a lot of failure that you're feeling right now. You said you've gone on a lot of interviews and nothing has worked out for me. That, you know, again, if we're going to go to the languaging of how people email, I could, I could, I could go through a list of a thousand different comedy things I have tried that have not worked out. Now, there's two ways to look at it. Look at all these things I've tried and nothing has worked out for me. Or look at how successful I've been creating my own thing. And look at, you know, look at this. This thing that worked out and that thing that worked out because it only takes one. Everything hasn't worked out for you until one thing does work out and you go, oh, my God, I'm in a brand new life. I think that's kind of how you have to look at this. Like a job is going to come through, an opportunity is going to come your way. And only if you keep trying and only if you keep interviewing and if you're at your job and you're in a supervisor role and you have the time to keep looking for that dream job, why wouldn't you keep doing it? And you can break it down. I remember talking to my brother. He was on my couch when he was looking for jobs. And I asked him, I was like, how many minutes a day do you spend working towards this dream career of yours? And it wasn't like, I wasn't trying to make fun of him, it was a funny conversation because I was like, is it two hours, is an hour? Is it 20 minutes? What are the minutes involved? What are the minutes that you put everything aside and you go, this is dream job time. And it's not a lot of time. If you really break it down that way, if anything, it takes over a lot of your time because it's emotional, it's on your mind, it's on, it's. It's all you can think about. Oh, I've been turned down by all these job opportunities. Opportunities. But really what it takes to send an email, to send your resume, to put yourself out there a little bit. Go to an extra cocktail hour or networking event. What is it, one night a week? Is it 20 minutes a day? 20 minutes in dreamland for that dream career? I think if you broke it up that way. How do you chop down a tree? Just keep hitting the same spot over and over again. I think you can, maybe you're, you might be halfway through this tree, you might be a little bit into this tree. I don't know, you might, the tree might be right, right about to fall over. And the only thing that could make it that tree, not chop down is if you stop now. So that's my advice. Keep going, keep trying. Effort is not a bad thing. And everyone else, and here's the thing, when it does happen, you'll talk to friends or family, oh, what did you. And you'll think. And they'll, and they'll ask you, how did you get that gig? Oh my God, look at that great new job you have. And they'll want a singular answer. And there might be a singular answer, but the real answer is the thousand times you hit that tree with the ax, it was the stuff that didn't work out. That guy. And this is a lot of bullshit fucking pump up talk that I'm giving you, but it happened. I'm giving it for a reason. Because I'm reading your email. You've done nothing wrong. You've been promoted three times. You're in a supervisor role. You're doing great at your current job. Something's missing there. You're looking for a new adventure. You're looking for the new, the better, the thing that will fit your life better. And so far you haven't found it. Yeah, well, you know what won't help you? Stopping. You know what will help you? Let's send the next email. Let's break it down. Instead of, you know, let's just have our 20 minute dream time. That's what I would do. 20 minutes of dream time a day. It's not a lot. Set it on the, you know, on the phone. Put the phone across the room, set the alarm. Okay. That 20 minutes can be for a number of things. Brainstorming who to email, sending that email that you've been avoiding because I do it too. Maybe it's writing out, you know, the pitch or writing out the, you know, the TV show idea or whatever it is. I do this with the book. I'm writing a book right now. As many of you might know I set an alarm for an hour on my phone. I throw the phone across the room and then I go, book time. Nothing else? No Instagram? No. Checking email? No. Oh, I gotta get back to that text. So maybe that's what you need because I think it becomes overwhelming when it's like, oh, I've been turned down for all these jobs, but how many minutes a day have you been spending for these, for this new career? Not that much, but it's been spread across the whole day. 20 minutes spread across the whole day is different than 20 minutes zoned in. 20 minutes across the whole day. You go, oh, I've been. All I do is apply for jobs. 20 minutes zoned in. I had 20 minutes a day. I go towards my dream job. Is that, Is that a fair. Is that fair? I don't know. Maybe I'm talk. Maybe I. Maybe you're hearing me and you're like, that's bullshit. I don't know. I don't. That's how I operate. So I'm sure you're very much similar. Great emails, great emails. I piece of me wants to go back to the one my screw up my chance with a guy I really like and think there's potential with if I sleep with them on a second date. Here's the advice for that email. I'm going back to it. You can't screw up something that was going to be screwed up anyways, in my opinion. I don't think, I really don't think, because I think it's actually like, it's actually demeaning to men to think again. Demeaning to men. I can understand how that. What, what are you talking about? I'm just saying it's a. Demeaning to what to men? That they could be. No to that. That waiting this amount of time will fool them in. Into going into a relationship with you. I think if you slept with on day two or day 20, it would be the same result. I don't think it's the sliding doors thing because I think if you're the right match, it'll work out. Now if you can't handle it, that's a different story. And not can't, can't handle. Sounds like I'm like someone handling it makes them better. I don't think that's the case. You just have to. What is. What does sex taste like to you? What does it taste like? Does it taste like something that puts you in a position where you feel badly about yourself if they don't choose you after the sex has happened. That's a pretty normal feeling to have. But I would also say that might be someone that should wait to have sex with someone that they know is committed to them. Let's get away from that. So let's own our own taste with sex. That's my Sorry to go back. J Train podcast every Monday is a mailbag. Monday. Keep sending your emails back next week. Boom.