Podcast Summary: "Get Your Mind Right: Examining Your Inner Dialogue Before/In Your Hardest Cases; the Light and Shadow Side"

Podcast: The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy
Episode: 101
Hosts: Dr. James Hawkins (“A”) & Dr. Ryan Raina (“C”)
Release Date: October 30, 2024

Episode Overview

This episode inaugurates a new series exploring how therapists mentally prepare for their hardest client cases—particularly the essential self-dialogue that happens before and during emotionally charged sessions. Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Raina candidly share their personal inner scripts, the "light and shadow" sides of therapists’ motivation, and practical rituals to help clinicians stay grounded, resilient, and effective with difficult caseloads. The conversation is rich in real-world examples and emphasizes self-of-the-therapist work within the framework of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Crucial Inner Conversation Before Session

• The hosts emphasize the importance of the moments just before seeing a challenging client, describing the self-talk and emotional check-in that occurs walking from the car to the office (or before starting an online session).

  • “What's the conversation you have with yourself going from your car to your office door? That’s probably the most important moment of your day.” – Dr. James Hawkins [01:20]

• The emotional and physical response to seeing a “hard” client on the schedule is universal among therapists; self-awareness here is key to effective practice.

  • “Sometimes we all have it… you see that client on your schedule and your body goes, ‘ohhh.’” – Dr. James Hawkins [02:00]

2. Owning Therapist Vulnerability & Avoiding Self-Shame

• The inner dialogue can turn negative, either blaming the client or oneself for the difficulty; both patterns were explored openly.

  • Dr. Hawkins described moments of self-doubt: “I must be a horrible therapist. I'm not as good as my peers. I'm a fraud. I'm an imposter.” [06:00]
  • The team normalizes these thoughts and reframes them as learning opportunities, not grounds for shame.

• Dr. Raina referenced Alfred Adler: “There are very few ways you can learn most about yourself than paying attention to the people who bother you.” [04:00]

  • Challenging clients are “a great way to study and learn and improve—maybe the greatest way.” [05:23]

3. The Light and Shadow of Therapist Inner Dialogue

• Every inner narrative has both helpful (“light”) and potentially harmful (“shadow”) dimensions.
  • “Whatever comes to mind probably has a great function and a shadow function.” – Dr. Ryan Raina [10:27]
  • Example: “Getting out in front of” difficult cases is proactive, but can unleash overactivity or cause loss of therapeutic presence if left unchecked. [12:56]

Exercise for Listeners:

• Consider a hard client. What is your inner dialogue before session?
  • “What’s the good part? What’s the shadow side that could cause you issues?” [11:04]

4. Rituals & Resets: Crafting Intentional Self-Talk

• The power of intentional phrases or creeds to orient and reset between sessions was discussed.

  • The “EFT Therapist Creed” by Chad:

    “I'm an EFT therapist. I'm a stronger, wiser other who has a therapeutic map and understands attachment. I meet people where they are and guide them towards comfort and connection with themselves and others. My mission is to use my humanity to help people succeed in their vulnerability.” [15:00]

  • Chad’s Reset Ritual: Between clients, say “Thank you for the opportunity to help that couple the best that I could for those 50 minutes… Let me offer the best I have for the next 50 minutes.” [16:12]

• Regular “cleansing statements” or end-of-day rituals are highly recommended.

  • “Having some formal cleansing that you even say between sessions or at a minimum at the end of your day… I can't tell you how big that is.” – Dr. Ryan Raina [17:17]

5. Grounding Practices & the “GOT” Process

• The podcast references guest insights (e.g., Dr. Sue Johnson) and introduces the “GOT this” model:
  • Ground yourself
  • Orient yourself
  • Take Tempo (notice your triggers, meanings, protective moves)
    [18:29–19:18]

6. Trust the Process: Presence over Information Overload

• Over-preparation is a common reaction to anxiety; however, presence is more impactful than possessing endless details.
  • “Everything that you need for second order change is right in front of you.” – Dr. Ryan Raina [20:25]
  • “The hardest cases… we usually have way too much information about them… and the more anxious the therapist is, we go get more information, as if another 16 pages in the folder are going to change what you do in the moment.” [20:58]

7. Security, Resilience, and Grace

• Therapists need both internal resilience (“I do hard things”—inspired by Jocko Willink’s “Good” meme [25:00]) and profound grace (Kathryn Rehm’s mantra: “These people are going to need extra grace today.” [26:30])

  • “Having this incredibly graceful side where we’re going to be patient and loving and attuning and validating. And when you got both of those and you got something.” – Dr. Ryan Raina [27:37]

• Quoting Leanne Campbell for those moments of escalated emotion:

  “Turn it towards me. Turn all your fear and your anger towards me. I can absorb it.” [28:10]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Self-Reflection:
  “What does this reveal about me? And as an opportunity—not to shame you, but as an opportunity.” – Dr. James Hawkins [05:31]

• On the Shadow Side:
  “Don’t hold that by yourself. That's a great thing to find a colleague, to find a supervisor and just walk around in that shadow side… If we can co-regulate there, then we’re again moving towards safety.” – Dr. Ryan Raina [30:08]

• On Trusting Yourself in the Room:
  “My nervous system said, this is where I needed to stay. And that’s what I chose. I had access to the best parts of me that day… and that's what I trusted and what I went with in that moment.” – Dr. James Hawkins [24:03]

• On Therapist Community:
  “You’re not the only one. I just hope that… it dispels that lie, that somehow you’re the only one who’s struggling, that has couples that are difficult… We're all going through it.” – Dr. James Hawkins [28:56]

• On Emotional Resilience:
  “You can do it. You can do hard things.” – Dr. Ryan Raina [29:33]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–02:00: Introduction to the episode; framing the self-of-the-therapist focus
• 04:00–06:00: Exploring what difficult clients reveal about ourselves
• 10:15–11:40: The inner dialogue exercise—identifying both the light and shadow functions
• 12:46–13:21: Real session examples and the risks of over-preparedness
• 15:00–17:17: The power of creeds and reset rituals
• 18:29–19:18: The "GOT this" sequence for grounding
• 20:25–21:19: Presence over information; trusting the process
• 25:00–28:10: Resilience and grace: balancing strong resolve with compassion
• 29:23–30:13: Practical takeaways; sharing your shadow with others for co-regulation

Practical Takeaways for Therapists

• Pay attention to your pre-session self-talk: Identify both aspects that empower and those that undermine you.
• Adopt rituals or creeds: Short, intentional mantras can ground and reset you between sessions.
• Understand and utilize the “shadow” side: Recognize unhelpful patterns and process them with peers or supervisors.
• Remember: presence is key: Everything you need for meaningful therapeutic change is available in-session.
• Balance resilience with grace: Grit and patience are both essential in working through the toughest client dynamics.

Closing Message:
You are not alone on the “leading edge” of practice. All therapists experience apprehension and self-doubt with difficult cases. The goal is not perfection, but meeting each session with self-awareness, presence, and compassion—for yourself and your clients.

For more resources and connection, follow the hosts on social media or at their respective websites as shared at the end of the episode.