Transcript

Mel Robbins (0:00)

Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Let me ask you a question. How many times today did you stop yourself from saying something? I get it. Maybe it felt awkward or unnecessary or that if you said something, it might make things weird. So instead you were like, I'm fine. You kept it light, you swallowed the comment, you hid the truth, and you let it go. You probably told yourself, oh, that's maturity. That's emotional intelligence. That's having solid boundaries, not saying anything. But what if you're just terrified of oversharing. You obsess over saying too much. You replay conversations because you're worried that you said the wrong thing or you crossed a line or people are gonna judge you. Most of us think the danger is in oversharing, you know, saying too much, crossing a line, being too vulnerable. But today's guest, a Harvard Business School professor who's a behavioral scientist and studies decision making, says that's the wrong fear. What you should be afraid of is the real damage that comes from under sharing. Being closed off, not opening up about what's going on in your life. This episode is not about sharing everything with everyone. This episode is about the skill of being open, being vulnerable, and learning how to be honest about what's going on. Because if you really apply what you're about to learn today, your relationships will be closer, your conversations are going to get easier, you'll feel happier because of these tips from the number one professor at Harvard Business School

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Summary

The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: Harvard Business School Professor: This One Research Study Will Change Your Life and Career

Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Dr. Leslie K. John, Harvard Business School Professor & Behavioral Scientist
Date: May 4, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Mel Robbins sits down with Dr. Leslie K. John—behavioral scientist, Harvard Business School professor, and author of Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing. The conversation zeroes in on the science and personal impact of self-disclosure, vulnerability, and the hidden costs of under-sharing. Dr. John reveals counterintuitive discoveries from decades of research, demonstrating why wisely sharing our authentic thoughts and emotions is essential for richer relationships, trust, professional influence, and overall happiness. Listeners are guided through practical techniques and reflections for becoming more open, as well as the science behind why sharing (not withholding) is a life-changing skill.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rethinking Oversharing & Undersharing

Introductory Thought:
- We commonly fear oversharing—being judged, crossing lines, or being too vulnerable. Yet, Dr. John’s research shows the real danger is in under-sharing and closing ourselves off.
  
  “Most of us think the danger is in oversharing... But today’s guest...says that’s the wrong fear. What you should be afraid of is the real damage that comes from under sharing.” —Mel Robbins [00:35]
Skill, Not Trait:
- The ability to reveal wisely is a skill, not an innate personality trait. With practice, you can learn how and when to open up for maximum benefit.
  
  "Revealing wisely is a skill. It's not something we're born good or bad at... If you do it wisely, it's going to transform your relationships... help you thrive at work... and improve your wellbeing." —Dr. Leslie John [05:11]

2. The Business Case for Openness

Openness Builds Trust – Even in High-Stakes Settings:
- Dr. John demonstrates that even skeptical, business-oriented individuals benefit: openness in a business context fosters trust and boosts both customer and employee engagement.
  
  "When we share more, when we open up, when we reveal slightly sensitive things, it causes whoever we're revealing to, to trust us more." —Dr. Leslie John [07:52]
- Case study: Commonwealth Bank of Australia openly listed reasons not to get a certain credit card—this honesty increased customer trust and retention, making the bank millions. [08:10]
Leadership & Vulnerability:
- Leaders who acknowledge weaknesses are more trusted and desirable to work with, compared to those who conceal or omit personal flaws.
  
  "We did a study...randomized [managers] to either do what you did and not share weaknesses, or some of them planted...weaknesses...They want to work for the person that has the weaknesses." —Dr. Leslie John [09:25]

3. Anchoring Research: Why We Prefer Revealers

The STD Dating Study:
- When given the choice between someone who openly admits to negative traits (e.g. a history of STDs) and someone who refuses to answer, people overwhelmingly trust and prefer the honest person.
  
  “People prefer the revealer, the person who says the thing, even if it's a terrible thing, relative to someone who hides..." —Dr. Leslie John [10:33]
  "The instinct is to hide the information completely...to put up a perfect front. But people actually trust you less if you withhold." —Mel Robbins [13:55]
Mechanism:
- Sharing something sensitive demonstrates trust in the other party—which creates a reciprocal trusting dynamic. Choosing not to reveal signals distrust and invites suspicion.
  
  "When you think about it, revealing something sensitive to someone is showing that you trust the person...And when we feel that someone trusts us, it causes us to trust them in return." —Dr. Leslie John [13:20]

4. The Science of Self-Disclosure

Disclosing Feels Good—Down to the Brain Level:
- Neuroscience shows that talking about yourself—even on mundane topics—activates the brain's pleasure centers. Suppressing this urge or being closed-off can have negative consequences.
  
  "There's something deeply, intrinsically rewarding...we are hardwired to feel good about ourselves when we reveal things about us that are true." —Dr. Leslie John [18:08]
Socialization & Gender:
- Early childhood studies reveal children who express emotions openly are physiologically calmer. Over time, cultural conditioning (especially for boys) leads to emotional suppression—a practice that can backfire on mental and physical health.
  
  "The boys had learned...to be stoic. And I just broke my heart." —Dr. Leslie John [19:13]

5. The Cost of Under-Sharing: Life of Missed Opportunities

Consequences:
- Under-sharers suffer from missed opportunities, shallow relationships, and lack of career growth.
  
  "The life of an undersharer is a life of missed opportunities... friendships never blossom, colleagues never quite trust you... romances don't spark or deepen." —Dr. Leslie John [21:30]
Talkativeness ≠ Vulnerable Openness:
- There is an important distinction between being talkative/extroverted and truly sharing or being open.
  
  "We tend to equate talkativeness with going deep and opening up. They're really not at all the same thing." —Dr. Leslie John [23:27]

6. Practical Demo: “A Day in Disclosure Decisions” [33:32–38:54]

Exercise:
- Dr. John uses a jar and balls to represent all the unsaid thoughts in a typical day, highlighting how often we default to silence—even with those closest to us.
- The physical (and emotional) weight of unsaid thoughts builds up, reinforcing isolation and stress.
Health Costs:
- Persistent withholding and secret-keeping are linked to rumination, lower focus, diminished well-being, and even decreased physical health.
  
  "When we keep secrets, we tend to ruminate about them. That decreases mental focus, lowers your IQ on tests...and is associated with decreased well-being." —Dr. Leslie John [38:54]

7. Building the Skill of Sharing: Emotional Vocabulary & Techniques

Expand Emotional Awareness:
- Using tools like the “emotions wheel” can help develop better self-insight, allowing for meaningful self-disclosure.
  
  "You expand your emotional vocabulary, which helps you understand yourself better, which helps you communicate better." —Dr. Leslie John [44:17]
Simple “I Feel / I Need” Formula:
- To practice disclosure, especially when feeling vulnerable or tired, complete these two sentences:
  1. "I feel _____"
  2. "I need _____"
- This applies to both personal and professional contexts.
  
  "You're going to do two...The first one...say 'I feel'...and then, 'I need'...It's really crucial because it is more vulnerable than a thought...and invites care." —Dr. Leslie John [45:20]
Ban the Word 'Fine':
- Honest emotional disclosure, even when confused or unsure, is preferable and more connective than rote “I’m fine” responses.
  
  "Maybe we should banish the word 'fine.' That third rule is don't say fine." —Dr. Leslie John [47:04]

8. From Surface to Substance: Combatting Loneliness [52:41–56:22]

Superficial Connections Create Emotional Malnourishment:
- Surface-level interactions can make us feel “socially full but emotionally malnourished.”
  
  "Surface-level interactions give this illusion of connection... but without the social risk... they end up making you feel...emotionally malnourished." —Dr. Leslie John [53:04]
How to Go Deeper:
- When with others, try to go “one layer deeper.” Observe what's happening, reflect what it means to you, and invite the other person to share as well.
  - Example: “I don’t even remember when I laughed that hard. When did you last have a good belly laugh?”
  "Think about what [a moment] is triggering in you. Then turn and reveal, and ask them...Then you're off to the races...a fun, meaningful conversation." —Dr. Leslie John [55:48]

9. The Shadow of Secrets

Secret-Keeping as an Unresolved Loop:
- True secrets represent an unresolved internal loop, causing ruminative distress; privacy and boundaries are healthy, but secrecy is costly.
  
  "Secrets are really preoccupying...they really, really sneak up on us in occupying our psyche. Because if you have a secret...you're constantly monitoring, should I say, should I not?" —Dr. Leslie John [56:51]
- Even revealing to yourself—by journaling—gives psychological relief. [59:20]

10. Persuasion Power: Why Emotions Matter at Work

Emotional Disclosure > Rational Argument:
- Sharing feelings (“I’m crying because...”) is often seen as more credible than logical explanations and can build influence and trust—provided the context is right.
  
  "Emotions are information and they're really credible...they’re hard to fake...when you take the risk to share emotion, oftentimes the answer is reveal." —Dr. Leslie John [59:48]
Catalyst Confession:
- Leaders who openly admit or reveal challenging truths (e.g., Magic Johnson disclosing HIV status) can shift organizational culture, build trust, and create societal impact.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Relationship Regrets:

"76% of the things that people regret in life are the things they did not do, the things they didn't say. The number three most common regret of people that are dying is, I wish I had shared my feelings more." —Dr. Leslie John [65:37]
On Vulnerability & Connection:

"Being talkative is not the same thing as being revealey or revealing wisely, for that matter." —Dr. Leslie John [22:08]
On Gender & Emotion:

"Over time, the boys had learned...to be stoic. And I just broke my heart." —Dr. Leslie John [19:13]
On the Weight of Withholding:

"You feel how weighed down you are...every time that ball dropped, I felt the weight of somebody feeling like everything was on their shoulders, that it was all up to them..." —Mel Robbins [40:01]
On Everyday Honesty:

"Share your feelings. And now that you've listened to this podcast, you know, I'm not being trite. You know that there's a lot of heft in that. Feelings are data." —Dr. Leslie John [65:23]

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:00] – Mel's introduction: reframing the "fear of oversharing"
[04:44] – Introduction of Dr. Leslie John & discussion of Revealing
[07:22] – The business case for openness and trust
[10:33] – The foundational research: trusting revealers vs. hiders
[17:32] – The neuroscience of self-disclosure (pleasure centers)
[19:13] – The cost of emotional suppression, learned in childhood
[21:30] – The life of an under-sharer & missed relational opportunities
[23:27] – Distinction between talkativeness and true openness
[33:32] – Demo: “A Day in the Life of Disclosure Decisions” (Mason jar exercise)
[38:54] – Mental and physical impact of withholding/secrecy
[44:17] – Building emotional awareness—using the Emotions Wheel
[45:20] – The “I feel/I need” formula for opening up in conversation
[52:41] – Loneliness: why surface interactions leave us empty
[55:48] – How to go one layer deeper in everyday conversation
[56:51] – The emotional toll of secrets vs. healthy boundaries
[59:48] – Revealing emotions as persuasion at work
[65:37] – End-of-life regrets: most are “things left unsaid/undone”

Actionable Takeaways

Practice the "I feel / I need" framework in all types of relationships (add, ban “fine” as your default).
Use emotional vocabulary tools (like an Emotions Wheel) to develop self-insight.
Aim for “disclosure flexibility”: match your openness to context and trust level, but err on the side of thoughtful revealing.
Go one layer deeper: At social gatherings, share what an experience means to you, then invite the other person in.
Express your feelings—not just thoughts—at home and at work for authentic connection and influence.
Journaling counts: Even “disclosing” to yourself relieves the pressure of secrets.
When in doubt: Ask, “am I missing out on connection or support by holding back?”

Wrap-Up

This engaging and science-backed episode demonstrates that the art of wise self-disclosure is one of the most essential life and leadership skills. Whether you yearn for deeper relationships, a stronger team, or less anxiety, Dr. Leslie John makes the case—through both groundbreaking studies and practical tips—that sharing wisely isn’t just good for others. It’s the key to your own happiness, success, and genuine connection.

Quote to Remember:
“Share your feelings.” —Dr. Leslie John [65:37]