← The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Eye-Opening Conversation on Marriage & Love You Will Ever Hear (From #1 Divorce Lawyer)
01:36:22
Mel calls today’s episode one of the most moving, meaningful, and transformational conversations ever to happen on the podcast. She says it is THE most important relationship advice that she has ever heard and you will ever hear. Today’s guest, James Sexton, is a world-renowned authority on relationships, but coming from a perspective you may not expect. He’s the author of the bestselling book How to Stay in Love. But he’s also one of the top divorce attorneys in the world, which means for decades he's had a front-row seat to what makes marriages thrive – and the reason why marriages fall apart. He’s going to tell you most breakups don’t happen because of something catastrophic. They result from all the little mistakes over time that everyone misses. Today, he’ll teach you what those mistakes are and convince you that a few small changes are the secret to creating a lasting and loving relationship. And unlike most relationship advice you’ll hear, his advice isn’t theore...
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- [00:00]
Mel Robbins
Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever gone to a funeral and noticed that as soon as you leave, you have this deep urgency? You're like, I have to allow myself to live my life. Or you go to a wedding and you are reminded of just how extraordinary it is to be in love. These moments, it's as if the force of life is moving through you. Well, that's gonna happen to you as you listen to the conversation today. It will have a transformational and profound effect on you because you're about to hear the most important relationship advice. Our expert today is gonna talk about love in a way that you've never heard before. He's also gonna teach you the simple habits of successful relationships. For me personally, this is one of the most impactful conversations I have ever had on this podcast, and I cannot wait for you and everybody that you love to experience it. Say hello to Alexa and see how the experience is tailored to you. Alexa learns your preferences to serve you better. Planning a vacation? Ask Alexa to recommend a trip to check off your bucket list. Use Alexa to find the name of that song you love. Discover new favorite shows or recipes, and do so much more. Ask Alexa anything. And now Alexa is free with prime on your Amazon devices like echo and Fire TV. Get started at Amazon.com alexaplus There's a difference between liking a house and actually getting it. Redfin is built to close that gap. Redfin agents close twice as many deals as other agents, so when you find a home you love, you're not a step behind when it's time to make an offer. That means less watching great homes disappear and more zeroing in on the one you'll actually end up calling home. Redfin helps turn saved listings into real addresses. Get started@redfin.com own the dream. Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. It's always an honor to be together. It's always an honor to spend time with you. But today, I can't wait. And if you're a new listener or you're here because someone shared this episode with you, I want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Today you're gonna lear relationship advice that you will ever hear. Today's guest, James Sexton, is a world renowned authority on relationships, but coming from a perspective you may not expect. He's the author of the best selling book how to Stay in Love. But he also happens to be one of the top divorce attorneys in the world. Which means for decades, he has had a front row seat to the reason why marriages fall apart. And he's going to tell you, most breakups don't happen because of something catastrophic. They result from the little mistakes over time that everyone misses. Today, he'll teach you what those mistakes are and convince you that a few small changes are the secret to creating lasting and loving relationships. Without further ado, please help me welcome James Sexton to the Mel Robbins Podcast. James Sexton, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
- [03:46]
James Sexton
Great to be here.
- [03:47]
Mel Robbins
I have so many questions for you, but where I want to start is this. How could my life be different? If I take everything to heart that you're about to teach me today and I apply it to my life and my relationship, what could change?
- [04:02]
James Sexton
Yeah, I mean, I think as a practicing divorce lawyer for 25 plus years, I have a really unique vantage point. You know, a lot of relationship advice that people get and people give, it's coming from a psychology background, it's coming from a hypothetical theoretical background, and again, has tremendous value. But it's not like in the trenches. And it's not this really raw, candid version. Cause I think people lie to their therapists all the time, but they don't lie to their lawyer. Like your doctor and your lawyer are the two people you should never lie to under any circumstances. Everything we're doing is to protect you, and everything we're saying is subject to privilege. So you can tell us the raw, candid truth. And I think that's created in me a unique perspective on if you wanted to figure out how to keep your car in good shape. Don't talk to the car salesman. All they do is deal with new cars. Talk to the mechanic, talk to the person who's seen every way a car can break down and will say to you, hey, here's the stress points. Here's where I find this model of car tends to break, and here's how you could shore that up and prevent it. So a lot of what I try to give people, instead of like, platitudes like, oh, you need to maintain connection with your. Like, what does that mean? Like, I need to know what that means. Like, if I'm trying to fix my relationship or keep my relationship on track. And you say, stay connected. Okay, do you mean like a date night or more sex? Or should we go on vacation? Or should I be asking different questions when we're having breakfast together? Or should we be having breakfast? Like, what, what do you Mean, like, I need practical things, because as a lawyer, you know, like, it doesn't matter what I know. It matters what I can prove. So I don't just have to think in these broad ways that, you know, maybe a researcher or a psychologist can. I have to think, okay, what can demonstrate something. What is evidence to support what it is that I'm putting out there? So I think what you could walk out of this conversation with is a feeling of, I have practical, specific things that I can now bring to my relationship that aren't complicated, that don't require me to buy anything. They just require me to buy into a task or a routine. And if. If you can bring that to the table after this conversation, I think you'll actually see challenges in your relationship, potentially improve. Or if you're fortunate enough to be in a place where your relationship is strong, you'll find yourself kind of maintaining that. Because, you know, it's a whole lot easier to maintain fitness than to let it fall apart and then try to get back on track. Like, those first miles are so hard. And that's really what the goal is, is to help people by learning from the mistakes I've now seen thousand of people make, just keep their relationship in a good place.
- [06:43]
Mel Robbins
I am so excited you're here, because I don't want to make those mistakes. And what's interesting about that example of fitness is you said it can be easier to maintain it. I think it's almost equally easy to let it fall off as it is to maintain it. It's really whether or not you understand those little levers when you start to fall off, because just like fitness, there are probably areas in your relationship right now where you are falling off and you don't even realize this is a major mistake that will land you in front of somebody like you, James.
- [07:20]
James Sexton
Yeah. And. And. And falling feels like flying for a little while.
- [07:23]
Mel Robbins
What do you mean?
- [07:24]
James Sexton
Like, it feels good, you know, like when things are sort of coasting, you kind of go. Cause there's just so much coming at us in the world. And so to go, all right, I got my person. I got that locked down. I can worry about all this other stuff. The kids, work, you know, what's going on in the world, everything. Because I have this. I'm good, I'm good. We have each other. We're wearing a ring. We're doing the whole thing. Like, we're in. We don't have to worry about that anymore. And meanwhile, like, no, you gotta water that plant. Like, that's a relationship that when you were looking for it, it was so important. And when you found it, you were so happy that you found it. You know, we make the mistake of thinking love is, like, permanently gifted to us. It's loaned. Like, every marriage ends. It ends in death or divorce, but it ends. And it's one of those weird things, like, to say to someone, I hope it ends in death for you, but it's the truth. Like, I hope your marriage ends in death. Because the other way that it's gonna end is divorce. And the majority of marriages end in divorce. Over 50% end in divorce, so. And that's just the ones that catastrophically failed. Like, think about how many people, you know, succeeded in marriage, but, you know, they, meaning they didn't divorce, but they're unhappy. They never really become the most authentic version of themselves. They stay together for the kids or. Cause they don't want to give away half their things. What is that? Another 10%, 20%? Now you have something that fails 70% of the time, and yet we are like, let's do it. We gotta sign people up for this. It's a great thing. It's a. Like, even if someone says, I'm getting married, if you were to say, really, why? It would be rude. That's a rude question to ask. But meanwhile, you're doing something that fails roughly 50 to 70% of the time, it's not unreasonable, reasonable to say why. And I think the big issue is, and that's why I say, like, falling feels like flying for a little while until you hit the ground. Because sometimes by the time you realize, oh, this marriage is not a good place anymore, it's real far gone, and it's real hard to come back. And that's why when people say, like, oh, what's the number one cause of divorce? It's like, disconnection is the number one cause of divorce. But there's a whole bunch of other symptoms that come from disconnection that are easy to point to and say, well, that was the cause, but it wasn't the cause. The cause was the disconnection. No single raindrop was responsible for the flood, but the flood's nothing but little raindrops.
- [09:45]
Mel Robbins
Do you believe in marriage?
- [09:46]
James Sexton
I do. Yeah, I do. I mean, I think. I think that's an individual question. I like to look at relationships, romantic relationships, as chapters in a long book. And I think, like, any chapter in a long book, you know, there's some chapters that are tragic and some chapters that are sad, and some chapters that are just filled with nothing but joy. And, you know, I think Orson Welles said that whether a story is a comedy or a tragedy depends on when you end it, you know? And I think a lot of, you know, relationship stories that we sell to people, rom coms and things like that, they're kind of the relationship equivalent of pornography. Like, they're just a stylized version of what actual relationships look like, you know, without any of the complexity, like, with just the good part. And I think. I think marriage, I don't think I can learn everything I need to know about myself from myself. I think I need someone who'll see my blind spots, and I think I need that person to be someone I can be really fearless around. And I think, like, at its core, marriage should boil down to four words that I think are potentially the most beautiful words you could say to someone and mean, or have someone say to you and know they're true. And that is, you're my favorite person. Like, what could be more beautiful than being told and knowing, like, that when this person says it, they mean it. You're my favorite person. And to say to someone back, yeah, you're my favorite person. Like, what would be better in the world than having that? You know? And so I like to think about kind of the end of things and then reverse engineer. And to me, like, at the end of your life, if you could look at another person and say, you helped me become the most authentic version of myself and you're still my favorite person, that's the greatest wedding toast you could ever have. Like, that's the greatest blessing you could have in your life. And I think it'd be the greatest asset you could have in your life. But having represented cops, teachers, firefighters, CEOs, elite athletes, celebrities, we are all equally terrible at this.
- [12:06]
Mel Robbins
What do you wish every couple understood before they got married?
- [12:11]
James Sexton
So, two things, and they're contradictory. So I say that out front, because as soon as I say it, I know it's gonna sound like a contradiction. But I think you'll, as a long married person, I think you'll agree. I think they make two contradictory mistakes. One is thinking that marrying this person will change them. So, you know, he leaves his socks everywhere, but if we get married, he'll stop doing that, or he drinks too much. But if we get married to something, you know, she's not very fiscally responsible, but if we get married, she'll, you know, shape up and get that together. So thinking that if you marry somebody, they're gonna become a better version of themselves, and they'll definitely change. This is not a great idea. Like, this is not. You're not buying a depressed company that you're hoping the stock will go up. Okay? But the contradictory thing is also thinking this person will never change, that if we get married that it'll prevent them from changing.
- [13:01]
Mel Robbins
Oh, I see exactly why these are the same thing, right?
- [13:04]
James Sexton
Because it's the feeling of, hey, you know, like, this is so good. Like, the sex is so good and our companionship is so good and our conversation is so good and our whole vibe together is so good. Like, if we get married, we're gonna. It's like building a wall around this thing and it's gonna keep it amazing, you know, and that's. This is what we have to do. We'll sh. The defenses against the world and we'll. Nothing will change. We'll just be happy and having sex and having a great. Just like we are right now forever. And like, that's just ridiculous. Like, there's nothing. There's no way to have me. Maybe when people died in their 30s and 40s, that was possible because you had a short window of time. But the truth is, like, to say, hey, I'm going to be with somebody 30, 40, 50 years in this very intense, intimate relationship and you know, it'll never change. Like, that's insane. We're going to our bodies change, our goals change the pressures. The society around us is constantly changing. Technology's changing. So how would you think that a contract we sign with the government about our relationship is going to prevent it from eroding or having any of the, like, natural things that happen to our bodies, to our lives, to every other relationship we have?
- [14:14]
Mel Robbins
So is there a better question to ask yourself, knowing how much change is gonna hit you? You know what I'm saying? So if you could grab every young couple by the shoulders who's in that moment where they're like, I think this is my person. You're my favorite person now, and I'm feeling the pressure. Or I really have always wanted to get married, or all my friends are getting married, or I'm the only single one, or I've been divorced for too long and I wanna try this. Is there a question that you wish couples or people personally would just stop and ask themselves the true question?
- [14:50]
James Sexton
I think everything is, what little things can we do to stay connected? And I don't think it's that hard. Like, I think you can dedicate 10 minutes a week to the upkeep of a relationship and stay out of my office. A lot of the time, I genuinely believe that if you spent 10 minutes a week just saying to your partner, what did I do this week? Tell me three things I did this week that made you feel loved. I think you'd be surprised at the answer. I think you think you know the answer, but you'd be surprised. Like, I think if your husband, if he said to you, what are three things I did this week that made you feel loved? The practical, actual answers, you might not be able to predict those. Like, he might not have been able to guess in advance what they are, because little things make us feel loved. And by the way, if you have courage and you go into this transaction saying, hey, we're gonna not hear this defensively, like, we're gonna speak honestly and we're gonna hear in a non defensive way, then you can ask another question, which is, where did I miss the mark this week? What are three things I could have done better this week? What were three things I did this week that made you feel less than loved or less than seen? You can have fun with it and say, what are three things I did this week that made you want to have sex with me? Like, what were three things this week that I did that turned you on? By the way, the answer's bonkers. Absolutely bonkers.
- [16:17]
Mel Robbins
Like what?
- [16:18]
James Sexton
As a heterosexual man, when I've asked that question, it's the weirdest things. It's like, oh, you were. The dogs came in from outside and you were like, you know, kind of toweling them off and the way they were looking at you and like that made you want to have sex with me.
- [16:31]
Mel Robbins
Like, here the dog, I'm trying to
- [16:33]
James Sexton
get eight tack abs. And meanwhile, this is what makes you feel. But it really, like the things. I understand.
- [16:41]
Mel Robbins
Cause honestly, when you said what makes you feel, I was thinking to myself, if Chris asked me that while I was here working, he was with his friends skiing, and he took our two dogs. And so he spent the day, you know, hiking up the mountain and skiing down. The dogs were chasing him. He sent me photos and I felt so loved that he remembered me in the middle of that and sent me that in the middle of the day.
- [17:09]
James Sexton
And see, and you identify what that really was. Which it wasn't just the thing, it's what's underneath it.
- [17:14]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [17:15]
James Sexton
Like that he thought, oh, this is so good, I want to share this with her.
- [17:20]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [17:20]
James Sexton
And that's what I mean about you're my favorite person. Like, all that is is just staying a little bit connected and conscious. Like, what did that cost nothing? Nothing costs nothing. And we get so fixated on these grand gestures. Like, you know, oh, love is about like these grand. I'm going to plan her birthday party, I'm going to make it huge. And listen, there's value in grand gestures. But like, day to day things like that, that's the thing. And by the way, it works in both directions. Like, I guarantee there's some little thing you do that you may not even think is that big of a deal, but that's the thing that makes him feel deeply connected, valued, seen, understood, safe. Like, emotionally. And like, even just the fact that he's, you know, you know, he loves the dogs as much as you. Because the shared connection of things you love, like whether that's your children, whether it's companion animals, whether it's an activity, whether it's a friend group, there's something about knowing, like, oh, this person feels this as deeply as I do. This person feels this depth of love and connection for, I mean, animals for me is a big thing. I'm a dog person. But like, there's something so beautiful about sharing that with someone and knowing, oh, it's okay, I'm away. Because this person loves the dogs as much as I do and panders to them as much as I do and will send me photos and will, you know, do all the little things that I do when I'm out so that, you know, I know that the dogs feel safe and loved to me like that. That is so easy to just articulate to each other and remind each other. Like, I don't think it takes the magic away to know that and to hear that. Like, I think if Chris heard you say, do you know how special that made me feel? Do you know how beautiful that was? Like, do you know how much more that makes me love you and feel seen by you when you did that, I think you'd be like, I was just taking a picture of the dogs. Like, but meanwhile, like, it's not the thing, it's what's underneath. It's what it's emblematic of. And I feel like so many of us have so many of those things,
- [19:23]
Mel Robbins
but we don't say it.
- [19:24]
James Sexton
And they're good and bad. If you're the kind of person like me, I like all the dishes out of the sink by the end of the day and I like doing dishes because unlike the practice of law, there's a middle and end and you're done and it's like, oh, everything's clean. Whereas with cases it's like, I could work 24 hours a day and there'd still be more to do. It's not about, like, leaving a sink full of dirty dishes. It's about, what do those symbolize? That symbolizes, you know, that I like things a certain way and it's not that important to you. You assume I'm going to take care of this thing and that you don't have to. It's always the thing under the thing. And if early on in a relationship, when there's still all this abundance of goodwill and connection and optimism, if that's when you say, hey, let's figure out how to keep this here with these little tiny practical discussions. Communications, again, whether it's an email we send each other once a week with that list or whether it's. We go for a walk and it's like our walk and talk once a week and we do this, I think those kinds of practical little things are the way you stay connected, period.
- [20:34]
Mel Robbins
Well, just to make sure, as you were listening or you were watching here on YouTube, that you got just those two simple questions. The first one was, what are three ways that I made you feel loved?
- [20:43]
James Sexton
Made you feel loved?
- [20:44]
Mel Robbins
Yes. And the third second one was, what are three ways where I missed the mark?
- [20:48]
James Sexton
Yeah, that's it. And you might want to throw in, you know, here are three ways you made me feel loved this week. Like, just to. Because, again, I'm a believer in that positive reinforcement.
- [20:58]
Mel Robbins
Absolutely. Well, you don't beat your dog into becoming well behaved. You love them into it. You reward good behavior. This is like basic. This is the basic stuff, but we don't do it. We start with, this is what you did wrong. You know what I mean? Like, you're like, ah, right.
- [21:13]
James Sexton
And the entry point in the conversation's so important because there's so many couples, for example, that, you know, there's. There's something I hear all the time, particularly from men, is like, oh, we don't have as much sex as we used to. We used to have so much. Okay, so if you walk into your wife and say, you know, we're just not having sex as much as we used to, you know, the response, you, well, you're not here. And when you're here, you're in a terrible mood. Well, I'm in a terrible mood because work is now. Where are we going? We're going nowhere. Good. Like, no one's walking out of that conversation. When let's have more sex, everyone's walking to that conversation going, yeah, this is exactly why we're not having more sex. Whereas if you entered that conversation with God, you know, I was driving down the street the other day, and I remember. Remember when we were first dating and we went away to that, like, cheap bnb, you know, that we didn't, like, have the money to afford, and we were supposed to go to. And we ended up staying in bed the whole day. Like, remember I was just thinking about that say, like, that was so. You know, like, when we were so connected physically. I just love that about. Okay, now.
- [22:05]
Mel Robbins
Now you're like, let's book the hotel.
- [22:06]
James Sexton
Let's book. Right, like, because what am I doing? I'm talking about something we did at some. This was us, and it's a version of us. Let's visit it for a second. Wasn't it great?
- [22:17]
Mel Robbins
Well, here's what I love about that. Here's what I love about that. You can use nostalgia and going back to a better time as a reference point to remind both of you of what you miss. And something that's underneath all these little things that have led to all this discontent and disconnection. And what therapist Terry Real calls normal marital rage and hostility. I think he. What's he call it? Normal marital hostility. Yeah, it's called normal marital resentment. Yeah, that is just about the disconnection. Because I think the resentment comes from knowing deep down you started in a different place. And for. I think for a lot of people, you just don't know how to get back. And you think since it feels so off, what's right in front of your nose is what you're pointing out.
- [23:08]
James Sexton
Yeah, well, we've been told it's supposed to be easy, too. I think that we're constantly barraged in media with examples of just effortless love. And I think that there is an aspect of love that's utterly effortless. Like, love is an emotion, but love's a verb, you know? What does that mean, love's a verb? I mean, love is an emotion. It's a feeling, but it's a verb. Like, to love someone is to act with love for them. It's a verb. It's a thing you do. So it's not just something you feel, it's something you act upon. And to act with love towards someone. And so the acting with love towards someone, loving someone actively, the act of loving them requires a. Some understanding of them and their blind spots. Like, what would be wrong with sitting down with your partner at the start of a relationship and saying, look, we're gonna get in a fight Some point, it's probably gonna be my fault. I'm gonna say something stupid. I say dumb things all the time. So we're definitely gonna have an argument at some point. When we do, what kind of person are you? Do you, like, need a minute? Should I let it kind of, like, air out? Because if I try to force the conversation, we're gonna have a big argument. Or are you the. Like, we cannot go to bed angry. We gotta work this out. We have to talk about this tonight. Because the time to learn that is not when you're in a fight. Like, the time to learn that is when there's this abundance of connection and optimism between the two of you. And then when that moment comes, to have the presence of mind, when you have a conflict to go, okay, we knew this was going to happen. And this is how we talked about. We're going to try to navigate this together again. Like, everything I'm proposing anybody do in their relationship is free. And it usually doesn't take more than a few minutes. And by the way, what you said about nostalgia, I think nostalgia is a powerful tool, but it's not just nostalgia. It's also framing. Because there are ways to effectively manipulate the emotional state of your spouse.
- [25:05]
Mel Robbins
Please tell us.
- [25:05]
James Sexton
For their benefit, right?
- [25:06]
Mel Robbins
Please tell us.
- [25:07]
James Sexton
How do I think of. As a lawyer, my job is to manipulate people's emotional state. That's my job. Like, I want the judge to like my client. I want my client to feel safe. I want the other side to feel scared. I want the court reporter to like me. I want the. The court officer to like me. Because they're going to go back in chambers with the judge, and I want them to go. Sexton's a really good lawyer. I don't want him to go. That Sexton's so arrogant. So I got to be real. I want everyone. Not everybody can help me, but damn near everybody can hurt me. So I'm going to do my best in that courtroom to manipulate everyone's emotional state and have no one think I'm doing it.
- [25:35]
Mel Robbins
Well, here's the other thing, though. When you're doing it.
- [25:39]
James Sexton
Yeah.
- [25:40]
Mel Robbins
You're very authentically intentional.
- [25:43]
James Sexton
100%.
- [25:44]
Mel Robbins
Because that's what you actually want.
- [25:46]
James Sexton
100%. And by the way, you know, because
- [25:47]
Mel Robbins
people hear the word manipulate, but what you're actually being is you're being super strategic because you do want the court officer to think you're an excellent lawyer.
- [25:53]
James Sexton
Listen, I manipulate the screw because I want the thing to be screwed into the wall. Like, manipulation is not in and of itself. Anything nefarious?
- [26:01]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [26:01]
James Sexton
Like what? When you. An example I've given before is so I. You know, I'm a trial lawyer, so I try to be, like, clean shaven. I don't get to have that, like, oops, I didn't know I was sexy stubble that's so popular. So I have to, like, be clean shaven. But on the weekends, I like to not shave. Like, it's a couple of days off for me. I don't have to be in court, so it's great. I don't wear a tie, and I don't shave on the weekends by, like, the second day. By Sunday, I have, like, scruff, and it's kind of coarse.
- [26:27]
Mel Robbins
Yep.
- [26:28]
James Sexton
And I was dating a woman who had very sensitive skin. And anytime I would, like, go to kiss her, she would go like, oh, God, like, your beard's so scratchy. And immediately in me, I went, like, in my head, like, you know, like, all right, so now I gotta shave on the weekends, too, when I see you. That relationship didn't work out. Not surprisingly, not for that reason, but it didn't work out. My next relationship, she had the exact same issue. She had sensitive skin. But her response, her way of handling it was I would shave, and she would invariably come up and go, God, I love it when you're clean shaven. Like, it's like you remind me of, like, Jon Hamm, like, with Don Draper in Mad Men, you know, Dude, I would shave three times a day. I would constantly. I would shave, and I'd be like, oh, I just shaved today. And she'd be like, oh, my God, I love it. Okay, what did she do? What did she do but manipulate me in a positive way? Like, all she was doing was saying, instead of framing it as something I'm doing wrong, she framed it as, here's this opposite thing. You do that. Oh, I love it. And now I want to please my partner. I want my partner to feel good about me and think I'm sexy and think I'm. So of course, I'm going to want to move towards that and not pull away from it. So a lot of it is about framing. Nostalgia is a very powerful tool, but it's really like, how do we frame what it is we're trying to accomplish
- [27:47]
Mel Robbins
here and really focusing often on the things that are going well and that you like and tripling down on what they're doing well, because, I mean, let's
- [27:58]
James Sexton
be honest, the world is, like, constantly criticizing us and even constructive criticisms. Criticism, like, and it doesn't feel great to have this person who's supposed to be your favorite person and you're their favorite person and they're criticizing you. Like, everything is criticizing you. Like, what's right in this connection very often is the cure for what's feeling wrong in it. And criticism is rarely the path there.
- [28:26]
Mel Robbins
If you really think about kind of all those little mistakes, kind of like a mechanic that can tell you what's gonna go wrong with the car, what do you feel are the list of mistakes that people make in long term relationships that lead to divorce or lead to all the problems that we may not realize? And I realize that you've already said that underneath it all is disconnection. But what are those mistakes that we need to really know about?
- [28:58]
James Sexton
Yeah, I mean, I think if you start with where are we when we meet and fall in love? We fall in love super fast. I mean, we really connect with the person so instantaneously and then we fall apart the same way we go bankrupt, which is very slowly. And then all at once it's like this little tiny little bit, little bit off the cliff. And so I think it's the same thing with falling out of love. And so the big relationship killers are infidelity, financial impropriety, you know, outright deception. Like, and that's huge. Like, I would say a good 85% of the divorces that I'm involved in. Infidelity has some role in it.
- [29:38]
Mel Robbins
Why do you think that is?
- [29:40]
James Sexton
Because I think we have a human. The same reason why so many people want to get married. We have a human desire to connect to another person. I think we're social creatures. This is something in us. Like, we want to connect with another person. We, we need desperately to, to be interested and interesting and we want to feel loved. We want physical connection with another person. We want the attention that comes with physical connection. You know, we want the. I think we, whether it's marriage and the early days of marriage or dating or the early days of infidelity, it's not just the other person that we kind of fall for. It's also who we feel like when we're with them. You know, like, you stand a little taller when someone sees you as so beautiful or so handsome like you, you feel like a version of yourself. Like, everyone I talk to in my office who's had affairs, very often they'll say, like, look, I. I love my spouse. I never stopped loving my spouse. But, like, my spouse doesn't find me beautiful or handsome anymore. Like, nobody, you know, like, and. And I've stopped. And then I met this person. And like, I'm fascinating to them. They tell me how beautiful I am or how handsome I am. And I actually feel that. Like, I feel that way because it's so lovely to be told, you know, you're so wonderful. I'm enjoying being. And even just the two of us right now talking to each other, there's something so beautiful about, like, oh, what you're saying is so interesting. I'm enjoying talking to you. Like, that's such a lovely exchange. So it's a natural human. Like, if you think about like the seven deadly sins, you know, all they really are is like seven very normal human things taken to the wrong level. Like, we want to eat. Okay. Gluttony. We need intimate connection with another person. Lust. We get angry when someone hurts us. Wrath. Like, if you look at those things, all it is is a normal human thing weaponized. So I think that's where we, you know, we lose the plot in that we just forget, like the most common thing again. It's just that disconnection. And that disconnection can be in the form of I'm disconnected from the me you made me feel like.
- [31:54]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [31:54]
James Sexton
Which is a me problem.
- [31:56]
Mel Robbins
Which typically, by the way, I'm sure you see this is that when you have a relationship where there's been infidelity and the person who's cheating is feeling seen and feeling like they can stand taller and feeling like they're interesting, the person who's being cheated on is like, well, I wanted that too in our relationship, you asshole. Like, what? Like, I was missing that too. And so you can see that the disconnection and the lack of feeling cared about is happening for both of them.
- [32:29]
James Sexton
It's happening for both of them. And there were all of these moments where you had like, a last clear chance to steer out of that. But there's like an opportunity for people, if they'd communicated early on, like, hey, I'm not feeling like. I feel like my eye is wandering. I don't want my eye to wander. Like, I want to be good at this job, right? Like, when you marry someone, you're signing on for a job, like, it's wonderful, it's bliss, all these things. But it's also a job. It's got a job description, you know, Like, I'm. And by the way, it's an insane job description. Like, you're going to be my best friend, best co parent, best roommate, best travel partner. Bet. Like, wow, really? Like, that's a big list. You found one person that can do all of that. We've convinced people that, no, no, this is your person and they should be the best at everything. And if they're not, by the way, maybe your soulmate's out there and you missed the boat and you got to go find that person, because life is supposed to be like a Hallmark movie, you know?
- [33:25]
Mel Robbins
I feel like anybody that's in a relationship right now is leaning in because it's easy to feel like roommates. It's easy to fall into a lull. There's other people all around you. You actually have a chapter in your book, how to stay in Love, chapter 19. If we were designing an infidelity generating machine, it would be Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, social media. This is page 114. If you're vaguely unhappy with your relationship or marriage, and especially if you're more than vaguely unhappy with it, stay away from social media. The vast majority of what you'll find there is unhappiness masked as happiness. It will fuck with your head, your heart, and your relationship. And you talk all about how social media is the single greatest breeding ground ever for infidelity. Nothing that has come before. Not swingers, clubs, key parties, chat rooms, workplace temptation. Ashley Madison, Tinder, Grinder. No, no, no, no. Not even porn comes within a thousand miles.
- [34:35]
James Sexton
Yeah, I stand by that.
- [34:36]
Mel Robbins
Why?
- [34:37]
James Sexton
Because it's just a perfect storm of. Of attacks on the institution of a monogamous marriage. Like it it a. You have a innocuous reason you should be using this technology.
- [34:54]
Mel Robbins
Oh, maybe you got a cover. You're, like, on it all the time
- [34:56]
James Sexton
for work or whatever. For work or. I wanted to see what this person's up to. Group of blah, blah, blah, is, you know, for our kids thing. Or like, there's a million reasons you'd be on your phone that are totally innocuous.
- [35:07]
Mel Robbins
Right. Unlike a strip club.
- [35:08]
James Sexton
Unlike a strip club. Or if, for example, I think that one of the women at my. One of the moms at my son's soccer practice is attractive, if the only entry point I have for talking to her would be walking up to her at practice, it's not as threatening because you can't really do that without it being. But now, well, we follow each other on social media because we both are part of that group that is a group chat that, you know. And now I also see her vacation pictures. And now I. I might innocuously say to her, oh, I saw you guys went to Tulum. Where did you stay? We're Thinking about going, and now I'm talking to you. And I'm talking to you, by the way, privately. Like, I'm in your DMs. We're talking. So it's not only like, not. It's not like approaching you at the soccer game, it's like approaching you alone in a restaurant. Like, and we're just the two of us talking and no one can see what we're saying. You're just creating this perf storm for people. And by the way, the performative self, like all anyone posts is the best pictures of themselves. And when. And when are you on your phone looking at social media? Is it when you're having, like, the greatest day or the greatest moment? No. You're on the subway, you're on the toilet. You're bored. Right? You're just bored. You're living your gag reel and you're looking at everyone's greatest hits. And you're supposed to walk out of that transaction feeling deeper connected into your real life relationship. No, It's a total distraction. But it's a distraction that is gonna create all kinds of enticements and connections that really are not gonna be good for your marriage. And you have total plausible deniability if your spouse has any question about why are you on your phone? There's a million reasons. We'd all be on our phone. So, yeah, it's a perfect storm. Like, as divorce lawyers, we owe the people who made these platforms a debt of tremendous gratitude because they have given us job security.
- [36:50]
Mel Robbins
So if you're in a committed partnership.
- [36:52]
James Sexton
Yeah.
- [36:54]
Mel Robbins
What is the kind of ground rules around social media for yourself and for your partner?
- [37:01]
James Sexton
I like how you framed that question because I think a lot of this has to do with what are you doing.
- [37:06]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [37:07]
James Sexton
Because I think most people who are married would like to have a happy marriage. So just like most people would like to be in good shape, the question is not, what do you want? It's what are you willing to trade for it? Like, what are you willing to give up in exchange for that thing? So I think the first question we have to ask ourselves is, am I using this technology in a way that if my spouse was standing here, I would use it differently? Like, would I be following these people if my spouse was watching who I follow? I'm not suggesting we have to monitor each other's social media. That's a, I think a very personal decision couples have to make. But I think the best entry point is yourself. Right. Because I have much more control over myself than anything Else. So I think starting with, would I be having this communication with this person in this specific way if my spouse was part of the conversation? And sometimes it's very obvious that the answer is no. Like, I genuinely think the cure for the entry points of infidelity is monitoring your own behavior. Like, if my spouse was standing next to me, would I be talking to this person this way? Would I be looking at them this way? Would my body language be what it is if my spouse was standing here? And if the answer is no, okay, then just notice that. Notice that. I'm not saying you have to do it differently, but notice that because you realize, hey, this is a problem. Like, I, I know I keep bringing things back to like food and fitness, but you know, like, I can't. I can control my food environment better than my brain. Like if there's potato chips around, I'm eating them. So I know, okay, I can't have that in the house. Or if I have it in the house, it's with the understanding that, oh yeah, I'm gonna annihilate those potat potato chips at some point in one sitting, you know, and that's okay. Like, listen, life is to be enjoyed. But if you goes, discipline is trading what you want now for what you want most. And so what do I want most? I want a long term satisfying relationship. I want to be happy in this relationship. I want my partner to be happy in this relationship. I want both of us to feel fulfilled. I want both of us to feel loved. Like that's what I want.
- [39:14]
Mel Robbins
James, I am so grateful that you are here. I have so many more questions. I could listen to you all day, but I want to hit the pause. Because if you're like me, I just wanna send this to my husband, Chris. I wanna send this to every one of my kids. I'm sure there are people in your life that are coming to mine and I wanna give you a chance to share this extraordinary conversation with people that you love. So take a listen to our amazing sponsors while they share a few words. Do not go anywhere because James Sexton, he's just getting started and coming up, he's gonna tell you the three specific things you need to do if you're in a relationship that's starting to have a downward spiral. There's so much more we're gonna cover. Stay with us. You know that feeling when your brain is fried? You have like 12 irritating tasks you don't care about, but you have to do em anyway. That's where I've been Lately, the administrative stuff was eating up half my day. So so I've been using Microsoft Copilot as my extra set of hands. It's like having your own personal assistant. That's why Microsoft Copilot is my favorite AI tool. Last week I had to send this long, overly complicated email about scheduling and travel, the kind of thing that takes up way too much energy for what it is. I opened Copilot, talked to it out loud while I was walking around my kitchen, and Copilot turned it into a clean, professional draft. It was amazing. And because my brain wasn't fried, I had the energy to sit down and eat dinner with Chris without feeling mentally wiped. That's the whole point for me. Microsoft Copilot clears the clutter so I can be more present for the moments that matter. That's why I'm using it. If you want to try it for yourself, visit Microsoft.com Melrobbins to download the Copilot app. Get started with Copilot today for free and see how handing off the small stuff gives you more energy for the moments that matter. That's Microsoft.com melrobbins they say it takes 21 days to build a habit, but we've all tried a 30 day challenge that just didn't stick. It's not your fault. Habits aren't built on willpower, they're built on clarity. Function helps you figure out what's working and what's not, so consistency can flow. Function is the advanced health check that gives you access to over 160 lab tests to show what's happening with your heart. Hormones, toxins, metabolism and more. You wake up early, work out harder, eat cleaner. Sounds good, right? But what if your iron is low or your hormones are off balance? That's not a discipline problem, that's a data problem. When you know your numbers, you stop guessing and burning out and you start making decisions that support your body. One decision, one habit, one clear starting point. Start with the habit that makes all others easier. Trusted by hundreds of thousands of members, all for $365 a year, literally $1 a day. Learn more and join using this link. Visit www.functionalhealth.com melrobbins and use gift code MEL25 for a $25 credit towards your membership. There's a difference between liking a house and actually getting it. Redfin is built to close that gap. Redfin agents close twice as many deals as other agents, so when you find a home you love, you're not a step behind. When it's time to make an offer that means less watching great homes disappear and more zeroing in on the one you'll actually end up calling home. Redfin helps turn saved listings into real addresses. Get started@redfin.com own the dream. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I are getting to spend time with the incredible James Sexton, who is sharing the best relationship advice that you're ever going to hear. So James, the next thing I wanna talk about is this. Let's say that you're at that point in your relationship where as the person who's here with us right now is listening and having a panic attack. Cause you realize you're in that phase of the relationship that every long term relationship goes through. Yeah, you've had the fairytale. Now you're in maintenance. Now you're noticing the resentment is hitting. You're disconnected. You're not having sex. You're annoyed at your favorite person. All the time you're wondering if there's somebody better. You wish it wasn't this way, but it's starting to feel like, will we ever get back? What are some of the things that you should do immediately?
- [43:49]
James Sexton
Yeah, I mean, I think in 25 years of practicing matrimonial law, what I'd say to you is you're where most people are who are married. Like, that's where you are. You're where most people are. And you probably got there by this succession of small choices that created this, what I would call like a downward spiral. This spiral where you know, well, why should I do that? You don't do that. Well, why should I do that? She doesn't do that. Well, why should? And the good news is, wherever you are, whether that started just recently or whether you are down in the valley, right? Like it has just been. I don't remember what it was like and what it felt like when we were in that great place. You can reverse that spiral. It works the same. It works the same in the opposite direction. How is the same way that it went wrong small? Small actions like start small. Start with leave a note. Note. Leave a note you're leaving in the morning for work. Leave a note. It was really fun hanging out with you last night. I married the prettiest girl in the world. Or hey, thanks for, thanks for taking care of that thing for me yesterday and calling the cable company. It really means a lot when my big strong man does things like that. Whatever some little courtesy or kindness costs, nothing takes five seconds to do.
- [45:13]
Mel Robbins
You know what? You also did cause you're really good at manipulating and being strategic. You reminded me in that note of how I felt when we first met. Prettiest girl in the world, strongest guy, best person on the planet.
- [45:29]
James Sexton
And why not? Why not? That's so easy. Throughout the day, I tell a lot of my male friends, if you text your wife in the middle of the day with a song that was a song important to you, and you send a link to that song and you go, I heard this song in the coffee shop today, and I thought of you like, that. That's an incredible feeling. Like, it's an intoxicating, wonderful feeling. Like, and it doesn't take much to just bring someone back to that place. And by the way, the person's initial reaction might be, what. What inspired that? Like, where? Because if you're down far enough in the valley, you kind of go, like. But it's not hard to just say, you know what? I just. I feel like I have to do a better job of, like, telling you these things. I think of it a lot, but I sometimes don't say it out loud. Like, who would not want to hear that? Like, how much would it take and how much would it cost? Nothing. We cost nothing. To write your spouse an email. Here's 10 things I love about you. 10 things. And by the way, it's not just for them. Like, they'll love reading that, but also, like, it's for you. Like, remind yourself, why did you choose this person? Like, there's still so much beauty in this person. There's still so much beauty in you. Like, why wouldn't you take a moment and just enjoy the warmth of that? Like, it's right there. It's like, no one's gonna advertise this to you. Cause it's free. You don't need to buy a book to learn it. You don't need to take a course. There's nothing I can sell you here. Like, this is just. You have it. It's right there. It's right in front of you. You have to actively steer away from it at some point and again. And it's never too late to change that stuff.
- [47:11]
Mel Robbins
I'm thinking about the person who hears that, the writing, the email of 10 things. And I think we can get so sequestered in our corners that your immediate reaction is, either, I can't think of 10, or, why aren't they writing it to me? Or what if they don't respond?
- [47:33]
James Sexton
Or. So those are three separate great questions. And I think I would answer them separately. So the first one is, what if I can't think of 10 things I love about this person, then maybe you should consider getting divorced.
- [47:44]
Mel Robbins
What?
- [47:45]
James Sexton
I mean, if you're telling me you're married to a person and you can't think of 10 things you love about them, there are 8 billion people in the world. Maybe you're married to the wrong one. Sometimes happily ever after means happily ever after. Separately, I'm divorced. My ex wife is one of my favorite people. She's amazing. I love her very much. There are a lot of people I love that I wouldn't want to be married to. Actually all of them. All of them, Right. Because it's a very specific kind of relationship. If you're telling me I can't think of 10 things this person I chose out of 8 billion other options to be my most intimate partner in life, I can't think of 10 things I love about that person. Maybe you should consider a divorce because that's an insane reality. And by the way, okay, maybe you've grown so far apart. My ex wife has been remarried for 15 years to an amazing guy who's absolutely nothing like me, personality wise and perfect for her. And I have to tell you, I love her. I love him. We're like a weird family. But the truth is, like, God bless. Like, God bless. She found the lid for her pot. Amazing. Amazing. I'm so glad I have to say something. I could tell you 10 things I love about my ex wife. She could tell you 10 things she loves about me. Like, I could tell you 10 things I love about almost anyone in my life.
- [49:02]
Mel Robbins
Life.
- [49:02]
James Sexton
So if you're in a place where you're looking at your spouse and going, I can't even think of 10 things, then I think, go to therapy and really try to answer that question. And then try to answer the question, why would I be married to a person? I can't think of 10 things I love about them. So that's question number one. Yes. Question number two is, what if they don't do it back for me? What if it has? Okay, that's where it's scary. But what's scarier than that is, well, we just won't even try, like to. I understand so well as a human being how vulnerable it feels to express need. And it's hard for me. I don't know if it is for you, but it's hard for me being that kind of person to say, I really need help. I can't do this myself. And it's humbling. It's getting Easier as I age. It's one of the things I actually like best about aging is that it's okay for me to say, like, oh, I need some help with this, or, oh, I'm not so good at that. Are you good at that? Can you help me with that? And maybe there's things I'll be able to help you with. Which, by the way, at its best is what marriage is so true. It's about, hey, how can we become complimentary pieces to each other to create this beautiful whole together? So I think that's an amazing opportunity is to really say to yourself, hey, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. And it's brave to try, and it's scary, but, like, if you're not scared, it's not brave. Like, it's only brave if you're scared and you do it anyway. So I think that most of us, if love is on the line, if our marriage is on the line, like, we can be brave. Like, you believed in Santa Claus for seven years. You can believe in yourself for 15 minutes. You know, like, just. Just. Just really, like, you know, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Like, go. You know, like, just do the thing, you know? So I think try, and at least that way you'll know where you stand. Because if you've now made a concerted effort where you've tried a few times to really reach out to this person in a consistent way and create some connection between and it's been rebuffed every time, then I think you're gonna have a much clearer understanding of where you're really at in that relationship. And that might guide you in a direction like my office. I believe some marriages need to end. I genuinely do. I've seen some people very successfully divorce, many of which then go on to find love that is more deep and connected for them and real joy. They're better people and they're better parents after their divorce. And I think we do the world a disservice to view all divorces as failures. I don't believe it's a failure. I don't believe my divorce was a failure. It produced two amazing children that are now amazing adults. I became a better man by virtue of my connection to her. I'd like to think she would say the same about herself. She went on to find tremendous love in her life. I have too. There's tremendous value in connecting well, disconnecting bravely and maturely if you can do it.
- [51:52]
Mel Robbins
What did you learn about yourself and about relationships by going through your own divorce?
- [51:58]
James Sexton
My divorce was very boring because we're both very reasonable people who concede the possibility of our own error. And we fell in love as teenagers, basically. We met in college and we got married at 22 and had a kid at 24. So we were babies. What I learned is that there are a lot of people in the world that I love that I wouldn't be appropriately married to. I also learned that the job description of a husband and of an ex husband are two different things. I'm a really good ex husband, I'm a really good father. I'm not a great husband. I don't have the patience, I don't have some of the skills that I think are really good in a husband. I think a husband is very comfortable sort of accommodating their will to that of the other. And they're patient in some way, some important ways. And like as an ex husband and a co parent, I was great at it. Like I was consistent, reliable, dependable, good communicator. I'm a good dad. Like I put my kids first. I always like, you know, still, even as adults, I love them and I make time for them and they're always, you know, my priority. And I always, you know, as an ex husband, like had a tremendous love and respect for my co parent. I always, every Mother's Day would make sure my kids, you know, had gifts for her. Every birthday, every Christmas, I'd make sure they had things for their mom. Then when she got remarried, I sat down with her new husband at the time and said like, okay, like I'm gonna like, do you wanna get her birthday gift for the boys now? Like. Cause I don't want them empty handed. Like they're gonna feel self conscious. But I also don't wanna overstep. Like I'm gonna still do Mother's Day. Cause that's what she is to me for my sons. But maybe you'll get the boys Christmas gifts with her. And like we had this discussion. He was a divorced guy himself. So we were like, it was this really lovely, like, oh, how are we gonna shape shift this dynamic? So I learned a lot about how you can disconnect in like a very beautiful way and have a non traditional kind of family that you know, is joyful. I learned a lot about how divorces don't have to always be the kinds of things that I was handling even at that time. I was already a divorce lawyer at that time. And I really thought divorce was always this knockdown, drag out battle that you need someone like Me. And you don't always need, like, you can do it with a scalpel. You don't always need a chainsaw. Like, I'm kind of a chainsaw. And so it was really lovely for me to learn because, you know, if you think about divorce, the ones you hear about, like, if I go to a cocktail party, I don't go to a lot of cocktail parties, but if I went to a cocktail party and somebody said, what do you do for a living? And I said, I'm a divorce lawyer. And they go, oh my God, you must have stories. And I said, oh my God, if I got one. There was this couple and they got married when they were quite young. And then, you know, the Venn diagram of their interests kind of didn't intersect as much and they grew in different directions. And then they amicably divided their property and they continued to co parent their children that they both loved a whole lot. You'd be like, that is the most boring story ever. Like, I've talked more about my divorce in this conversation than I probably have in the last five years. Because it's not that interesting. It's two people.
- [55:01]
Mel Robbins
I actually think it's super interesting because it shows that there is a different possibility in terms of how you can conduct yourself both during it, during the marriage, at the end of the marriage, during the divorce.
- [55:13]
James Sexton
Yeah. And it's all about normalizing. So much of what I think has gone right in our culture in the last 10 years is normalizing certain things, like normalizing therapy, normalizing mental health issues. We need to normalize prenups. We need to normalize what, what a civil divorce can look like, what a cooperative co parenting relationship can look like. It does not have to be. Because the kind of people that talk about their divorce constantly are people who were terribly wounded by it. I understand it became a formative trauma in their lives and it became something that everything comes back to. I get that. I've seen a lot of people who've been victimized by that kind of a divorce. But that has now become culturally what we think divorce looks like. And that is the unbelievable minority of divorces.
- [56:05]
Mel Robbins
Wait, so the minority of divorces are the high conflict people are destroyed for years after. What is the majority?
- [56:13]
James Sexton
The majority is two people that at some point were deeply connected to each other, lost the connection, and now have usually children in common or extended family in common. And they need to end the relationship. But they don't hate each other or if they're angry at each other, their love for their children is much greater than their dislike of each other. Like, I always tell people a divorce is like a table. It's got four legs. There's you and your lawyer and the other side and their lawyer. All you need is one of those legs to be off. Doesn't matter how nice and straight the other legs are, that table's falling down. Like, one irrational person or one person with, like, bad faith intentions is gonna make this into something much uglier than it needs to be.
- [56:55]
Mel Robbins
I wanna finish up the topic of the signs and really giving the person listening the just resources or the awareness so that if there's a chance for this to spiral back up, you can. Based on all your experience, what are the signs that you are headed for a breakup or for dirty divorce? The ones that you actually see? Like, because I bet you go to a party or you can walk into a room and you can literally be like, in a year, five years, they're in trouble.
- [57:34]
James Sexton
What you have to do first is look at your baseline. So, like, look at what it was you did when you were still connected to each other. Like, how did you interact with each other? How often did you have physical intimacy? How often did you spend time together, just the two of you? What did you do separately? And what did you do together? Because until you look at your baseline, you won't know how far you've drifted from your baseline. Relationships change. People change, their bodies change, everything changes. But the question is, is when it did it changed by default or by design? Have you ever thought or talked about as a couple why it's changed and are we both okay with that? Or is it something that one or both of us feel like, hey, we might have lost something in that process. So I think, again, baseline is a really important thing to be thinking, thinking about. Then one of the first things I observe when I'm seeing the cracks in a couple, like, when I walk into a room or I'm watching one of those housewife shows, and I'm like, oh, they're definitely getting divorced. And they're definitely getting divorced. I often tell people, to me, the surest indicator of a divorce is not anything anyone says. It's a sound. And it's this sound. It's just that, like, when the other person's talking and there's just this, like, ugh, like, what? You know. Yeah, whatever. What? Yeah, okay. Like, why are you bothering me with what you're saying? Or that, like, kind of eye rolling? Like, it's just those subtle discourtesies and disrespects. It's the tone, it's the body language. Like, that's a huge piece. So I would. When you're looking at signs, look at how you physically relate to each other. I mean, you've seen couples, I'm sure,
- [59:13]
Mel Robbins
where it's like, I'm like, why are they. Even when they.
- [59:16]
James Sexton
They touch each other, it's like, you know, when you're first together, like, you touch your skin and it's like an electric bolt through you of like, oh, my God, this person touched me. This. Like, oh, my God, our legs touched. Like, it's just that. I mean. And thank God that passes, or we just never get anything done, you know, but it's supposed to sort of pass and become, like, still something comfortable and connected. Because all that person. Maybe you don't like holding hands, that's okay. But maybe they're trying to connect with you.
- [59:43]
Mel Robbins
Yeah.
- [59:44]
James Sexton
So do you want to connect with them? Like, and if it's that, I don't like sweaty hands. Okay, so put your arm around me. Like, you know, lean in and do something like. Like meet each other halfway. There's a lot of these little tiny physical and verbal disconnections. Like, even just the act of when your spouse is talking to you, if you are on your goddamn phone like that. To me, like, watching couples sitting there, one of them is talking and the other one is sort of going through the phone. And you see them doing that. What? Oh, yeah. Huh. Huh. Like, all I'm saying to you is, you're not important. You're not important. You're not as important as this. And then what do you meet that with? Very often people meet it with, like, they'll either keep going and condone that behavior, or they'll stop and go, well, I'll let you finish. Go ahead. No, no. Finish what you're doing on the phone. And now that feels accusatory, because that person's like, well, no, I was trying to look at this thing. They weren't trying maybe to insult you. The two things I say that everybody accuses me of being unromantic, that I actually think are two very romantic sentiments, is one, marriage is a job. It has a set of roles and responsibilities. You signed up for it. You didn't have to take it. There were other positions available, and you chose this one. And you can quit if you want to, and you can go get a different one if you want to. So it's a lot like a job, and it's a job that theoretically you want to be good at because you want happiness, right? In this exchange.
- [61:03]
Mel Robbins
James, you are incredible. And I bet you're thinking the same thing. James is not only incredible, the timing is incredible. This is exactly what you needed to hear. It's what you needed to be reminded of. It's so hopeful. It's simple. And I'm sure you're thinking of your favorite person. And here's what I want you to do. I want you to share this episode with them. Because this is something that will make your relationship better. It's something that's gonna expand love in your life. So go ahead and share this. Take a minute to listen to our sponsors and don't go anywhere because we will be right back. Stay with us. You know, for the past two years, I have been using work and a busy schedule as my number one excuse to not put my health first. I bet you can relate. Even when I was being consistent with the gym or I was squeezing in workouts, I was seeing little to no change. Why? Because I didn't change my diet. 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You know, we were in the studio yesterday taping an episode, and we realized, holy cow, we need some marbles. We need lunch. We need something else for a different podcast. So what do we do? We didn't send anybody else. We doordashed lunch. We doordashed the marbles we needed. Trust me, you're gonna love it. It's for a little visual experiment we're doing on an upcoming podcast. It's incredible. Whenever I use DoorDash, whether it's dinner, it's essentials here at work, it's essentials that I need, like hair products, toiletries. It just shows up right at your door. Whether that's home, your hotel, or work. Order DoorDash right now to get a little bit of order delivered. Holy cow. Is it winter in Vermont? I'm talking you breathe in and it's like icicles on your tonsils. It's cold, it's dark, it's windy, it's. Why do I live here? Oh, that's right, because I. I love snow. 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It's your friend, Mel. And today you and I are getting the best relationship advice I think you're ever going to hear from the incredible James Sexton. Thank you for sharing this with people that you love. So, James, let's get back into this. Is there something that you recommend in the middle of an argument to just defuse it or defuse yourself?
- [66:53]
James Sexton
I think the worst time to learn how to fight is when you're in a fight. I think in advance there should be some, you know, it's almost like, what's a safe word? Like, there should be a word that we've agreed in advance is we're ejecting from this conversation and we'll continue it at another time. Like, we both know where the other one lives. Lives. You know, like, we'll find each other. So, like, if you have like, you know, a phrase like how about them Mets? Like something that just has nothing to do with any discussion you're having, that should be the phrase that, like, I don't think this is productive, and I think we're going down a road that's dangerous and you should agree on it in advance and you should make a commitment to each other that, listen, I'm not saying that that ejects us out of this conversation for good because that would be a great way to just, you know, it's like a, like you get a hall pass in the conversation, we'll never bring it up again.
- [67:40]
Mel Robbins
Right?
- [67:40]
James Sexton
What we're saying is, listen, this will be deferred for 24 hours or this will be deferred for a maximum of X number of hours or days or whatever it might be because you both, the corners you back yourself into, you got to figure out ways to get out of. I mean, think about the commitments you've made to this person, I'm going to love you, you and only you, for eternity. And you can't make the commitment of, hey, listen, if we're in an argument and one of us feels like this isn't productive, or we're feeling really hurt, we're going to say this phrase, and that phrase will mean we have to call a timeout. And two, you can't really love someone, and more importantly, you can't really feel someone's love until you show them a really honest and vulnerable version of yourself. I'm a great performer in a courtroom, and I can present however I need to present. But if in my relationship, I am playing the character of the best version of myself, and I don't let this person see any of my soft spots or any of my vulnerabilities or any of the shit I need to work on, any of the things I get wrong, the things I'm afraid of. I'll never feel their love. Like I'm depriving myself because I'll always have in my head, oh, no, no. If they knew me, they wouldn't love me. They love me because they bought the character I'm selling them. So I'm depriving myself by not showing this person these weak, difficult, challenging parts of myself. But here's the thing. If someone is brave enough to show you those things in a fight, if you weaponize those things, that is a despicable and almost irreparable thing to do to someone. Because when and really, what is divorce at its worst, but intimacy weaponized? Because intimacy is not sex. Intimacy is the ability to be completely yourself with another person, like your honest, authentic self with another person. And so to take the vulnerability and the soft spots that a person has shown you in good faith so they could feel connected to you and you guys could trust each other and each feel like you can show each other the soft spots. Shots to. To. In a fight, in a moment of anger, to weaponize. That is a really, really awful kind of betrayal. So I. I would always tell people, like, have some ground rules, like, no low blows. Like, listen, I like. I like the ufc. I like a good fight. I've trained Brazilian jiu jitsu for 20 years. Like, most of my best friends have broken my nose at some point. I'm telling you, like, have a fair fight. Like, if you have to have a fight, have an ability to call a timeout and keep it a fair fight. There's a couple of sentences you have somewhere in the back of your head that you know if you said them out loud to him, you would reduce him to a pile of tears in the corner.
- [70:34]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [70:34]
James Sexton
And he knows those sentences too about you. He has some sentences he could say that are all of your scaredest, most vulnerable pieces of you. And I know that because you love each other and you've been together a really long time and you can't love someone for that duration with that depth and with that much affection without having been vulnerable to that person or shitty to them. Right. But the truth is, is having knowledge of what that is, having that ammunition is an incredible responsibility. And it's something. It's like having the nuclear codes of the relationship and like, keep them locked, like, don't use them because just like nuclear weapons, like, you get to use them once and then the whole world blows up, up. So like, don't do. I've seen people who in a moment of anger let that fly and you can't take that back. You can't, you can't bring that in, you know, and so really give more thought in advance to when we disconnect, we do, we disconnect. Like as a parent, you know, who do you love more than your kids? And when they're in middle school, you're telling me you didn't want to kill them. Like I tell my sons all the time, I'm like, I, I've never disliked anyone as much as I dislike both of you in middle school. And by the way, way I know you disliked yourself more than anything in middle school. Like, you'll never meet a human being in their life who goes, the best years of my life were middle school. It's always the happiest person in middle school is miserable. But the truth is, like, you, you love your kids, but you also are like, okay, I have to have some ground rules in how I'm going to interact with them. Not in moments of love. It's easy. It's moments of tension that you have to think about in advance and figure out how to not back yourself into corners.
- [72:16]
Mel Robbins
That's a great framework. Thinking about kids or even work. Like there are those days you want to just go on a tear and if you did, you'd get fired or you'd cancel yourself.
- [72:26]
James Sexton
But isn't it funny how many things about marriage, like we put marriage in this weird category and it's just really another relationship.
- [72:33]
Mel Robbins
It is.
- [72:35]
James Sexton
I often use the analogy of dogs because I love dogs, But I have two senior citizen dogs. I have a 15 year old and a 16 year old dog. And I know I'M you know, I'm, I'm. I'm playing with the house's money at this point. I'm on borrowed time with these guys, and I've had them since they were babies.
- [72:47]
Mel Robbins
Receipts are due.
- [72:48]
James Sexton
Yeah. And, and I'm, I'm enjoying every minute I have, but I have to tell you, like, I've never once looked at my 15 year old dog, who's deaf, and thought, dude, I gotta get a puppy. Like, these are this dog so old and it like hardly can hear, and I gotta carry it downstairs now. Like, puppies are so cute and they're fun and they run around, we play ball and they could jog with me like, this dog's so old. Dude, I love this dog more than every day. Like, this. The scent of the dog, it's like, this is, you know, but yet with love, like our romantic partner, it's this constant feeling of like, oh, well, there's a younger model out there and there's a more compelling model out there. So it's like how you do anything is how you do everything. Like, if somebody said to me, I'll give you. Well, you have dogs. You have two dogs. Okay, so two do. All right, so let's, let's try this. All right? Right. If I told you I'll give you $100 million for your dogs, you would say, no.
- [73:43]
Mel Robbins
No. Okay, well, I can pay my bills right now. That's like, there's that baseline.
- [73:48]
James Sexton
So if I said to you, God forbid, not going to happen, but you have 30 days left with one of your kids, no matter what. Okay, you only have 30 days, would you take $100 million then for those 30 days? You're going to lose them in 30 days anyway. Would you give me $100 million if I give you for that?
- [74:02]
Mel Robbins
No, because.
- [74:04]
James Sexton
Why? Because the time would even be more precious knowing that it was so short. Okay, that's love. That's love. That's. That's as good of a definition of love as I could ever come up with. Like, that, that there is something beyond any other kind of value that you attribute to the connection you have to this, no matter how finite it is. Because a hundred years from now, no one you love will be here and no one who loves you will be here. So this is finite. We're losing everything all the time. And I say that as a divorce lawyer for 25 years, and I say it as a hospice volunteer for 20 years. Like, we're losing everything all the time. That's what makes it precious. That's what makes it beautiful. That's what makes it worth paying attention to. Because I don't have unlimited time. Guess what? We don't have unlimited time with anything in our life. So why wouldn't we just commit to, like, this much preventative maintenance?
- [74:59]
Mel Robbins
Well, you do have this really beautiful chapter later in the book, how to Stay in Love. That's all about writing a letter.
- [75:09]
James Sexton
Oh, okay.
- [75:10]
Mel Robbins
And this is on page 238. And you talk about the power of writing a letter to the person that you're in a relationship with. A really deep, personal letter. Would it be weird to write a letter to someone you've shared a bed with for years, whom you see and talk to dozens of times a day? Even for those who can find the right words when speaking, writing things out may help you to better organize. Why am I getting emotional? To better organize and hence understand what you really want to say, even if you end up not writing the letter to your partner. I know mediators who encourage their clients to come to the first meeting with a letter to their ex to be be because it, quote, lubricates communication. As one put it to me. If at least some people in the midst of divorce can do that, it should be way easier for those in love knowing that their partner is receptive to, maybe even hungry for communication and intimacy. Anything that might ease communication in a divorce should apply far more effectively in a loving relationship. Write a letter to your partner. List at least five things they do that you appreciate. Tell them a few things they do that upset you. Tell them what you are craving but not getting from them. Tell them a few things you are getting and are incredibly grateful for. Tell them a story from your shared history in as much detail as you can that you remember fondly. Maybe write a mini chronicle of your marriage. Marriage. It's been said that the unexamined life is not worth living. My experience has taught me that the unexamined marriage is not sustainable. So write your spouse a letter. Make it simple or make it detailed, but make it authentic and honest. You love him, right?
- [77:04]
James Sexton
Yeah. Yeah, I stand by that. You know, it's what I didn't say in there and I think is worth saying is even if you don't give it to your spouse, it's worth writing that letter. Like, I'll share with you. When my mom passed away 10 years ago after a long battle with cancer, we had a complicated relationship. And I remember talking to my therapist about it and saying, like, you know, there's so many things like I wanted to say to her that I didn't get to say because it just wasn't. We just. I don't know. It just wasn't. You know, she was so ill, and there was just no opportunity to have that conversation. And he said, you know, write her a letter. Like, write her a letter and say all the things that you needed to say. So I did. I took the time. I wrote this long letter saying all the things I needed to say. I brought it into therapy, and I read it out loud, weeping. And then he said, I'm gonna give you another piece of homework. And I said, okay. He said, write a letter back from her and say all the things you needed to hear. That was much harder because it forced me to think about, like, what is it? What is it I needed from this person? Like, what is it I needed to hear to heal? And so even though, like, she never got to read that letter, and even though the letter I wrote from her was from an imagined version of her, it was one of the most powerful exercises I've ever. And I've since then use that technique in my life when I'm having a really difficult time with a person in my life where I'll write a letter of all the things that I feel like I needed to say to them often, not that I would ever give them. And then I'll write back, like, what is it I needed to hear from them? What is it I want to hear from them? What would be their perfect response to this? And very often it reminds me that the answers to these things are sometimes inside me. Like, the wisdom you find on mountaintops is the wisdom you brought up there. Because sometimes you just find yourself thinking, like, you know, what is it I needed her to say? Because I know I don't have to hear her say it. I knew it. You know, when I wrote the letter back from my mom, a lot of it was, hey, I wasn't mad at you. I've been sick for a really long time, like, And I was in pain, and it wasn't you. And even though she never got to say that, I thought, oh, you know, that. Like, you know that, or you couldn't have written it if you didn't know it. But just writing it, the act of writing it and giving it voice and reading it out loud, even if there was no one else in the room. So writing a letter to anyone in your life, you're having a challenge with writing a letter back from them, with what it is you needed to hear from them, even if you never do anything with that you never edit it and give it to the person or anything like that. You're just framing in your head what's really going on here inside of me. Because I'm in here. Like, this is what's amazing to me about marriage is I feel like after 53 years of walking around on this planet and 20 in therapy, I get myself, like, 75%, okay? And I'm in here. Like, I'm in here and I get about. What hope do I have of understanding 100% of the person sitting across the table from me or laying in the bed next to me? Me. I'm in here and I get 75% of it. And I'm going to get mad at myself because I don't understand this person 100% and get them what they need 100%. I don't get me what I need 100% of the time. I don't get me what I need 50% of the time. I screw it up constantly. And they go, why did you do that to yourself? Give ourselves and each other some grace and just realize that, listen, this is just about understanding ourselves, what we need, what we want. This person helping them understand what they need, what they want. And then figuring out how to do that dance.
- [81:07]
Mel Robbins
If you had to save a marriage with one thing, what would it be?
- [81:12]
James Sexton
I think the most important way to save a marriage is to pay attention. I think we just stopped paying attention. Like whoever discovered water, it wasn't a fish. When you're in it, you just stop seeing it. And I think there's so much going on that you just don't see. And I think if you paid attention, you might see. Like, you might step out of the water and see. And I think because marriage is very often about this deep kind of proximity, it becomes the water. Like, it just becomes this thing that's around you all the time. Time. And you stop seeing it. And I think if you paid attention to what's going on inside of you and to what's going on with this person, I think most things, the solution comes from that first step.
- [82:10]
Mel Robbins
That's, I think, the most beautiful answer I've ever heard about.
- [82:14]
James Sexton
Thanks.
- [82:15]
Mel Robbins
A marriage. And of course, I love David Foster Wallace.
- [82:19]
James Sexton
Yeah. So good. So good. I actually reread that essay.
- [82:22]
Mel Robbins
I do too, quite.
- [82:24]
James Sexton
Because I actually think it's fascinating how often I have to be reminded of that.
- [82:30]
Mel Robbins
If you don't know the essay we're talking about, which became this very, very viral graduation speech that David Foster Wallace, the writer, gave before he died at Kenyon University.
- [82:41]
James Sexton
Yeah, yeah, it's out there. I think it's called this is Water. They published it as something called this is Water, but you can actually watch video of it.
- [82:47]
Mel Robbins
And there's this poignant moment the essay hangs on where. Where two fish are swimming and they pass another fish, and one of them says the other, hey, how's the water? And he says, what's water? And then it unravels into this unbelievably profound essay about how much of life you're missing because you're just not present.
- [83:12]
James Sexton
And the thing that was beautiful about that essay is I think he realized something that. That maybe not every person who's writing the story in their head realizes, which is, you could just as easily cast the characters as villains or heroes. And he talks about in the essay how the person in line in front of you who's in a bad mood, you can just say, oh, they're an awful person. Or maybe they have a sick relative at home and this is the only minute that they managed to get out and they're still so stressed. And he's like. And if you just reframe, like, it's just as easy to tell yourself that story as it is to tell yourself the story where they're the villain and you're the hero. If you judge me as a parent by my greatest moment of parenting, you're giving me too much credit. And if you judge me as a parent by my weakest, worst moment as a parent, you're not giving me enough credit. I'm really kind of the aggregate of all of those things. Well, that's a lesson to bring to your marriage, because in your marriage, anytime someone tells me this story of their life and they're of the story, I'm instantly skeptical.
- [84:17]
Mel Robbins
Well, that's a really good insight because we all have that friend, particularly the one going through a divorce, where the narrative is evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil. Because you're hurt, of course. And there's no self awareness to say, well, you know, I haven't been affectionate in three years, so I can kind of see how the door opened up for them to walk away or find somebody else, or. I really have some reflecting. There's. And what I just going back to that. That essay and the moment in the essay of not seeing the water. And also, you can choose to write a story about the rude person. It goes back to the original thing that you said. You always have the opportunity to remind yourself that a really good relationship is one, is where you can be in the narrative, this is my favorite person. Even if they're pissing me off right now, even if I have a lot of evidence for the things that have gone wrong, even if I'm scared we're headed for divorce, I can still stand in a narrative that this is my favorite person. I at least remember a time when they were.
- [85:23]
James Sexton
Yeah. And what are the core components of that beauty that you saw in them that are still there? If they've changed, what changed them? Because it's rarely, like, a nefarious thing. Right. Like, you know, if I let myself get out of shape, it's not that I. I was like, oh, I really want to be in bad shape. You know, like, when my mom was actively on hospice, I gained 30 pounds because I took such, like, pleasure. Like, everything hurt. It felt like. So I would eat dinner every night, and I would just eat anything. I would eat, like, delicious because it just gave me, like, a moment of sensory pleasure. Pleasure. And I remember people who I knew, but only knew casually through work being like, oh, Jim, you've been putting on a couple pounds. I just remember it hurt so badly because I wanted to say to them, do you understand? This is the only thing I have right now is that food tastes good. Everything else hurts right now. And I feel like if we looked at our partners and went, okay, this is. Even if they're not currently my favorite person, they were.
- [86:35]
Mel Robbins
I think it's a really important tool that I want to make sure, as you're listening and watching you land the plane on that one, and understand that it's a tool, which is if you're in a patch in your relationship where things are really challenging. Okay. Or you hear that phrase, you're my favorite person, because I ran to the bathroom and bumped into somebody that was coming out of the bathroom and like, oh, my God, James Sexton's unbelievable. And he can boil relationships down to one sentence. You're my favorite person. And the person coming out of the bathroom looked at me and said, oh, my God, that's hard.
- [87:12]
James Sexton
I think it's hard because I think it's scary to think that no one could love us that way. And it's also scary to think that anyone could. Good. I think those are equally terrifying. Like, as a human being, I find both of those things terrifying. I find the prospect that I could ever feel that way about another person and I would know I'm going to someday lose them is terrifying. And to consider the possibility that someone could actually know me, all of the stuff in me, me and Go. No, you're my favorite person. Like, to me, like, that's. I mean, there's nothing more incredible than the possibility of that. When I look back at my life, every single thing that meant anything was some connection to another person, someone I loved, someone who loved me. A moment where I felt loved truly and deeply for who I am, where I felt joy for being in the presence of someone who loved me or who I loved. When I felt joy of just being in the presence of love. Like, as a hospice volunteer, I will tell you, nobody I've ever done hospice visits with wants to talk about the fact that they're dying. It's not that interesting. It's something that they're confronting all the time. They're aware of it. They don't want to talk about it. They don't need to talk about it. It's their present reality. They want to talk about their life. They want to talk about the people they love. They're not that interested in the things they owned. Like, they're. They're interested in the connections they made, the impact they made, and when they were loved. Like, feeling loved, I think, is the most powerful thing in the world. And there are a lot of people who don't feel loved ever in their life. And sometimes that's their circumstance, and sometimes it's that they. They haven't had the real courage it takes to let someone see the truth of you.
- [89:12]
Mel Robbins
From your bestselling book, how to Stay in Love. This is page 248. When is the last time you and your spouse discussed what it specifically means to be happy and how you each define that term? When was the last time you discussed in specific terms what a satisfying sex life is for each of you? These should be conversations you look forward to. They're about being happy and about fucking. For fuck's sake, sake, you're married. That means you're in the same car, driving on the same road. Logic says you should be headed toward the same destination. Are you. Who selected that destination? Is it where you both want to get? Is it one of you crawling out the back window while the other one plows ahead blindly?
- [89:59]
James Sexton
Yeah, Yeah. I think we. We don't ask enough questions about what's going on in our relationships. I mean, in terms of where are we going? Like, what's the story we're writing together? You know, you'd never. I live in New York City. You'd never get in a cab and just go, drive. You know, you say where it is you want to go, and then you can have a conversation about what's the best way to get there. But, you know, to some degree, we learn about relationships by watching our parents or the environment we grew up in, and by watching popular media and now by watching curated images on social media. So those are the three ways to do it. I don't think any of those is a particularly honest or great teacher necessarily. And, you know, marriage is very much rooted in tradition. And tradition, I think, is really two things in varying measure. It's the wisdom of the people who came before us and what they have to teach us. And it's peer pressure exerted by dead people when you're doing something because it's tradition. Like, why did you get married? Well, my mom and dad got married, and my grandparents got married, and my great grandmother got married. And by the way, the reason your great grandmother got married is because her mother got married. Right? So your great great great grandmother got married. Okay. Your great great great grandmother used a buggy whip. Do you have a buggy whip? Like, are all the technologies that made. Did she have the entire sum total of human wisdom available in a device held in her hand that comes from the sky? Because that's incredible. Like, she lived in a different universe than the one you navigate on a daily basis. Why would you think the technology of marriage that worked for her will work for you the same way with the same tools? And all you need to do is watch how this was done in this apprenticeship model of figuring out what marriage looks like. Your relationship, your rules. The two of you, it's the only two people that matter is the two of you. Are you happy, the two of you? Do you have a rhythm that works for you? You know, I posted something a couple of weeks ago where I was talking about how I personally don't understand why people sleep in the same bed. Just for me, I just don't get it. Like, two adults and two dogs, It's a lot in a bed. I'm not saying.
- [92:17]
Mel Robbins
Well, you also have a broken nose, so you probably are big. So, snorer.
- [92:20]
James Sexton
I'm not sure I want to be time snorer. You do not want to be in that bed. And the truth is, like, if you think about it, like, hey, listen, like, spend time in bed, have fun in bed, all those things, I think, go sleep in your own bed like a civilized person. Now, again, this is my personal feeling. People had a lot of feelings about this. It had hundreds of thousands of comments.
- [92:39]
Mel Robbins
Why do you think people had a lot of feelings about that?
- [92:41]
James Sexton
Because I. I think People hear anyone say, here's what's important in my relationship, as you're doing it wrong in your relationship. And all I'm actually trying to get anyone to do is just, let's all come out of the closet a little bit. Like, let's all come out and say, you know, my spouse and I do this. It works for us. Because once you start doing that, everybody at the table starts to go, oh, yeah, we do that, too. To me, that's the best stuff in life, is that intimacy is those little tiny, shared, private joys. Like, that's the coolest, most wonderful thing. We don't share that with each other. And by the way, it's not for public consumption, necessarily, but just sharing that. Like, give it a shot and see. Like, that might be the cure for the disconnection between the two of you is to be silly sometimes together. Or maybe it really is. Like, well, we have to sleep in the same bed. We. Who told you that you have to sleep in the same bed? Maybe you are the kind of people that would be more comfortable sleeping in separate beds. Or maybe one of you or both of you think it's really important to be in the cave together, curled up, holding each other. Like, all that matters is the two of you coming up with rules that make sense for you. Who cares how many times a week I have sex? How many times a week do the two of you feel satisfied with having sex? If it's good enough for the two of you? No one else is business. It's no one else's business.
- [94:08]
Mel Robbins
Well, I think the reason why people get so offended by that opinion is that if you're honest with yourself, you're clinging to very surface level pieces of evidence of connection.
- [94:23]
James Sexton
Yeah, we're doing great.
- [94:24]
Mel Robbins
We're in the ring on the finger, or the fact that we're in the same bed, that that means you're connected. And when somebody erupts, it's because you're showing us all that connection is actually something else.
- [94:39]
James Sexton
And again, like, I love that, because the truth is, we live in a symbolic world. As humans, we're constantly making meaning. We live in a symbolic world. Like, why do I wear a tie? Why do I wear a suit? Like, why couldn't I just go to court in jeans and a T shirt? Like, I wear this suit for a reason. Why do you wear a suit to a job interview or a funeral or a wedding? Because you're saying, this suit is a statement. The statement is, I take this seriously, this thing I'm doing. I take it very seriously.
- [95:08]
Mel Robbins
And what you taught us today, or what you taught me, is that the symbols of I'm sleeping in a bed, or I have a ring on my finger, or we've been together for 32 years. That's actually not the symbol of connection. No, it's. Do you show up and treat somebody, me as if they're your favorite person?
- [95:28]
James Sexton
Yeah. Yeah. Because here's what I'll tell you, and it's a hot take, and it's an unfalsifiable premise, so it's safe. I genuinely believe that the connection that you have with Chris and that many of the very happily married people that I know, if you took off the ring, if you took away the government's involvement, they would still be two people who were each other's favorite person and loved each other more than anything and. And wanted to stay together forever. Not because they were afraid of giving away half their things or because. But because their life is better, because this person is next to them. And to me, that's worth fighting for, that's worth building. That's the thing worth protecting if you're lucky enough to have found it. Like I say, sometimes marriage is like the lottery. You're probably not going to win. But if you win, win, what you win is so fantastic, why wouldn't you buy a ticket? Why wouldn't you try? Why wouldn't you? And unlike the lottery, there are very specific, practical things you can do that will increase the chances of you succeeding at this thing. And they're not difficult. They don't mean require you to buy anything. They don't require grand gestures, which is, by the way, why you're not hearing about it from advertisers. Because there's nothing to buy. There's no course to take. There's nothing. Nothing. Like, it's all stuff you already naturally know how to do and what to do. Because it's all the same things that if someone did it for you, it would make you feel seen and loved and heard and important.
- [97:00]
Mel Robbins
James Sexton, what are your parting words?
- [97:04]
James Sexton
Oh, my gosh, you get me speechless. I think my parting words are, you know, love each other fearlessly. It's the bravest thing in the world. Like, it's the bravest and best thing in the world. And I genuinely believe that we're worthy of love. I genuinely believe almost everything we do every day is to find love, be worthy of love and keep love. And I think it boils down to two words and four words. Pay attention. And you're my Favorite person.
- [97:49]
Mel Robbins
I cannot tell you how completely floored I am.
- [97:55]
James Sexton
Thanks.
- [97:56]
Mel Robbins
By you. I feel so grateful that you are doing the work that you're doing. I'm so moved by everything that you shared and even just pay attention, and you're my favorite person. Those are two things that are gonna immediately improve and deepen my relationship with Chris, because it's a skill that we have to continue. It's the rep that you do in a relationship.
- [98:25]
James Sexton
But I think, you know, what you're standing in, like, awe of and moved by is what's inside that you like. It's the feelings inside of you for Chris and for the people in your life that you love and the love that of theirs that you feel towards you and how that makes you view yourself, because, you know, it's authentic and real, that love. And. And if you can love yourself the way that those people love you, like, that's the greatest superpower ever. And so, like, I. I think this is just what love's supposed to be, is that we bring this out in each other. We bring out in each other what's in there.
- [99:05]
Mel Robbins
Yeah.
- [99:05]
James Sexton
That's all.
- [99:06]
Mel Robbins
Yeah. Well, thank you for absolutely everything.
- [99:11]
James Sexton
Thanks for having me. It's great to see you. It's great to. It's great to stand in the presence of it when people, like. There's so much that I have to learn from people like you and Chris who have maintained that connection. And. And I feel like, for me, there's tremendous value when I get to talk about these things because I'm learning it. It's moving me in the same way, you know, like, this is all. I could say this every day, and I would still lose the plot sometimes. So.
- [99:38]
Mel Robbins
Well, I'll tell you one thing that really struck me is when you said, ask yourself, if you're in one of those moments in your relationship, what's changed? And if I look back on the period of time where Chris and I really struggled, and you can point at the stress of life and the financial pressure we were under and just everything that was going on, but what we've now really realized is that a lot of what changed was that his father died in the middle of it. And it's only recently, and this would have been 19 years ago. I mean, that he really understand how that just changed him, and I didn't see it.
- [100:17]
James Sexton
Yeah. And grief sneaks up on you. And especially, too, when, like Chris, you naturally navigate the terrain of that.
- [100:24]
Mel Robbins
Yeah.
- [100:24]
James Sexton
Like, it's a familiar terrain. You sort of feel like, oh, I'm I'm exempt from it. Like a physician who's like, when they get ill. Yeah. You know, but it's like. No, no, no. Like, this is different. Like, experiencing it outside of the connection of self and family. And it puts yourself in the. Where you stand in the history of things. And, you know, it's all sort of impermanence at the end of the day. But I have to tell you, I. I think, again, if you pay attention, all of that is there. I've learned firsthand as a divorce trial lawyer for almost three decades now how much ugliness and anger is in all of us. And I've also learned how much beauty is in all of us. And I try in my relationship with the world to bring what I think people bring in a good marriage, which is they cling to the possibility of the good in us, and they try to overlook the possibility of the fool in us. And there's nothing to me, more beautiful than that.
- [101:24]
Mel Robbins
Well, James Sexton, thank you for showing us what to pay attention to. Thank you so we can experience all the possibilities that love and relationships have for us. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for making the time to listen to or want this conversation. I know you feel so moved. I hope you will share this generously. I hope you've already shared it with your favorite person. And in case no one else tells you today, as your friend, I want to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. And I know based on everything that I was reminded of everything that James taught us today, that I have to. To create a better life. Because this is gonna lead to more love, better relationships, and we all deserve that. Alrighty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play. Okay, Are we ready? Okay, here we go. I want you. As you're listening to Notice who popped into your mind. It's some. Is it your favorite person? What do we know? Okay, hold on. And one more thing. If that subscribe button is lifted up, if that subscribe button is lit up, please help your friend Mel Robbins achieve the goal of having 50% of you be subscribers to this. Should we do it back there? See, I'm such a workaholic, I have to live three and a half hours from here.
- [102:44]
James Sexton
Yeah. Yeah.
- [102:45]
Mel Robbins
That's good, though.
- [102:46]
James Sexton
Yeah, that's good.
- [102:47]
Mel Robbins
Can you imagine Tracy if I was. Tracy is a block from here. Sure, Whatever. That. What is it? No, it's fine. I'll get it. Wonderful.
- [102:56]
James Sexton
Amazing.
- [102:57]
Mel Robbins
Oh, my God. Good?
- [102:59]
James Sexton
Awesome.
- [103:03]
Mel Robbins
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
- [103:38]
James Sexton
SiriusXM podcasts.
- [103:45]
Mel Robbins
You've never been one to settle. Stand down or stand still. You're a lifelong learner, energized by excellence. There's a fire inside you you can't ignore. You've got competition to outrun, momentum to build on, and your own high standards to meet. Stop now. Not a chance. At Capella University, we help you catch what you're chasing because you've always had the drive. Now go earn the degree. Capella University. What can't you do? Visit Capella. Edu to learn more.