Try it For 1 Week: Small Ways to Make Your Life Fun & Exciting Again

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: Try it For 1 Week: Small Ways to Make Your Life Fun & Exciting Again

Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Priya Parker (Author of "The Art of Gathering")
Date: June 22, 2026

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Overview

In this lively and actionable episode, Mel Robbins sits down with Priya Parker, renowned expert on meaningful connection and the author of “The Art of Gathering.” Together, they unpack why adult life tends to lack fun and real community, and more importantly, provide listeners with creative, research-backed ways to transform everyday get-togethers into memorable, connective experiences—whether with family, old friends, colleagues, or even strangers.

Using real-life examples, humor, and a wealth of practical ideas, they make a compelling case that the key to better relationships and a more joyful life is to approach any gathering with purpose, intention, and just a little bit of courage to do things differently.

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Main Themes and Purpose

• Modern gatherings often feel dull, obligatory, or superficial.
• True connection and fun don’t have to feel like a chore—small changes make a big difference.
• The “secret” to richer gatherings: Clarify the purpose, design with intention, embrace healthy conflict, and create meaningful rituals.
• Any of us can take the lead in reinvigorating our social circles or family traditions—hosting is an activity, not an identity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Problem: Why Aren't We Having More Fun?

• Mel reflects on how much she misses spontaneous, joyful gatherings from earlier stages of life.
• Research and anecdotes reveal that many people force themselves to attend gatherings, feel alone in a crowd, and return home unfulfilled.
• “You know, there’s almost nothing lonelier than being with other people and feeling alone.” – Priya Parker (06:10)

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What Is “Gathering”—and Why Do We Get It Wrong?

• Priya: A gathering = anytime three or more people come together with a beginning, middle, and end for a reason. (07:39)
• Most people focus on logistics (food, venue) and leave connection to chance, assuming “people stuff” will just happen.
• Group help vs. self help: While self-care is important, many of our biggest problems are shared and must be addressed collectively (08:10).

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Strategy 1: Start with Clear Purpose

• Biggest Mistake: Skipping the “why”—not defining the purpose of coming together. (10:34)
• “The simplest way, if you remember nothing else from our conversation, is to first ask every single time, What is the need here? What are we craving?” – Priya Parker (10:34)
• Example: Priya uses “magical questions” to turn a routine family dinner into a memorable bonding experience ("What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done before age twelve?" 13:14).
• Quote: “If you change nothing, nothing changes. And we spend a lot of time anticipating and hoping to have fun and wishing…” – Mel Robbins (14:05)
• Defining purpose is about figuring out what need you want to fulfill—and designing the experience around that, even if you keep it to yourself.

Three Layers of Purpose:

1. Specific: The more detailed, the more meaningful (basil plant- or flower-viewing party ideas, 15:25).
2. Unique: Address what’s unique about this moment or milestone (the “adventure” 50th birthday party example, 17:15).
3. Disputable: Have a clear point of view—even if it excludes people ("worn out mom’s hootenanny" with the "no talking about kids" rule, 18:32).

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Handling Resistance: “Isn’t Just Hanging Out Enough?”

• Priya: If you’re satisfied, keep doing what works. But if you feel lonely or disconnected, it’s worth trying something new (21:48).

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Strategy 2: Activities Over Small Talk—Design for Shared Experiences

• Mel realizes her most enjoyable gatherings are those with activities or adventures, not just sitting around (Around 25:35–26:16).
• Priya: Talk is not always good for connection; doing activities together often works better, especially for families or introverts (26:53).
• Example: Organize collective experiences—sound baths, cooking competitions, walks, games, etc., to break old patterns and create joyful chaos.
• “Sometimes people need to talk LESS because we get into these loops, these same patterns…” – Priya Parker (27:25)
• Spread the hosting burden: Assign fun “offerings” or roles to guests, encourage creative contributions (sunblock, chocolate, favorite childhood games, 28:22–29:06).

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Strategy 3: Dress Codes & Rituals

• Fun, low-key rituals (e.g., “no pants” party, wear the best thing in your closet, color themes) create instant, shared context and make gatherings memorable (29:57–30:29).

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Creating Inclusive Gatherings for Introverts & Extroverts

• Introverts often make the best hosts because they design events with empathy, structure, and “quiet corners” (36:19).
• Build in breaks, small group tasks, or physical activities to avoid social exhaustion.

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Permission for “Healthy Heat”: Conflict & Unhealthy Peace

• Many families and teams oscillate between unhealthy peace (suppressed issues, hidden resentments) and unhealthy conflict (explosive fights).
• True intimacy and connection require the courage to address real issues constructively.
• “Human connection can be as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflicts.” – Priya Parker (38:15)

Steps to Healthier Conflict:

• Recognize you are not alone or abnormal in your discomfort.
• View conflict as evidence of caring; it’s “relevant.”
• Start small: try group practices like “Rose and Thorn” (best/worst parts of the week) to normalize honest sharing (45:33).
• “Good controversy” can be a game—argue playfully about things that don’t matter (i.e., a “hot takes” party: winter is the best season, only one pasta type, etc. (53:41)) to build connection safely.

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Strategy 4: Openings and Closings Matter

• The first and last 5% of any gathering set the tone and seal the experience (54:34; 60:02).
• Welcome people warmly and with intention. Assign “greeting committee” roles, or start with a fun magical question in-person or on Zoom (55:50–57:45).
• On Zoom: combat formality by asking fun questions, rotating who leads openers, building in playful rules (Neil Diamond song for camera-off, 57:45).
• Endings should not just “stop,” but be marked with ritual: walk people out, last-call traditions, or sharing “favorite moments” before saying goodbye (60:08–62:51).

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Actionable Tips for Everyday Listeners

• Hosting is NOT a personality type—it’s just a willingness to create something new; start small (63:58).
• For newcomers in a neighborhood, try ultra-simple events (“chair and share” potlucks; bring something, share your name, 64:42).
• If you get stuck in a conversation at a gathering, use “magical questions” to open things up (see below).

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Priya Parker’s Magical Questions (66:32–68:48)

1. What is something you own that you’re pretty sure no one else in this group owns?
2. What movie or show could you never watch again?
3. What outfit have you kept that you could have (but haven’t) thrown away, and why?
4. If your life was a movie, what would the opening credits song be?
5. What’s your favorite way to eat a potato?

“Right now, I learned about your regional preferences, your passionate beliefs about a potato…” – Priya Parker (68:48)

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Priya’s Ultimate Takeaway

"Pause and ask, What is the need? What is a need that I have? Or what is the need I’m seeing in this community? …And if this all feels overwhelming, just start by being a really good guest. Guests have a lot of power.” (70:59 & 72:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you change nothing, nothing changes.” – Mel Robbins (14:05)
• "Meaning lies in specificity." – Priya Parker (15:20)
• "Hosting is not an identity, it's an activity." – Priya Parker (63:58)
• "Most gatherings don't end, they stop...give it an honorable death." – Priya Parker (60:02–61:04)
• “I just don’t want that for myself anymore is a valid enough reason to stop anything.” – Mel Robbins, (sponsored segment)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:25] – Priya Parker’s introduction and definition of "gathering"
• [10:34] – The critical importance of defining purpose
• [13:14] – "Magical questions" in family settings
• [15:20] – Layers of purpose: specificity, uniqueness, “disputability”
• [26:53] – Activities, not just talk, build connection
• [29:57] – Rituals: dress codes, shared context
• [36:19] – How introverts make great hosts
• [38:15] – "Unhealthy peace" vs. "unhealthy conflict"
• [45:33] – "Rose and Thorn" as a low-stakes way to normalize sharing
• [53:41] – "Hot takes" party as healthy controversy
• [54:34, 60:02] – Importance of intentional openings and closings
• [66:32] – Top “magical questions” for gatherings
• [70:59] – Priya’s core takeaway: always start with the need

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Episode Tone and Style

Friendly, empowering, practical, and full of real-life warmth and humor. Mel and Priya both balance depth with playfulness, creating an atmosphere of possibility and agency for the listener.

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Conclusion

This episode is a practical toolkit for anyone looking to reinvigorate their personal and social connections. By focusing on intention, creativity, and embracing a little vulnerability, listeners are shown exactly how small changes can yield more fun, closeness, and meaning—in just one week, or for a lifetime.

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Memorable Closing:
Priya ends with a magical question for listeners:

“What is a specific moment or insight from the Mel Robbins podcast that changed your life? And what action did you take in your life because of it? Specifically, what action did you take and how did it go?” (72:15)

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Apply one idea, see what happens next—and remember, guests have power too.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, I have a question for you. Why don't we have more fun? I mean, remember the good old days? Now I'm sounding like a grandparent, but you know what I mean. Barbecues, weekend plans, movie nights with friends. Why are we not doing more of that? I really miss it, don't you? So here's what I did. I called in the expert on how to create real, meaningful connections with your friends and with your family to help you and me out. Her name? Priya Parker. Priya is going to teach you how to deepen your relationships with the people that you care about most, even if you don't get along with them. And she's gonna start the conversation by asking you a very specific question. And this is a question that you're gonna need to ask yourself. And anytime you're gonna see your family, your friends, you need to ask yourself this question before you even start a zoom call. You're gonna love this. Because the truth is, time is ticking. If you're lucky for your parents or your siblings to be alive, you may only see them a handful of times every year like I do, because we don't live near each other. And when you do get together with family, there's so often this tension that you just wish wasn't there. And guess what? They wish it wasn't there either. That's why this episode matters. It's gonna help you make every moment you have with other people so much better. Whether at work, whether around the dining room table, whether you're talking about your friends or your neighbors. And don't we all deserve to have meaningful conversations, better connections, and a whole lot more fun? Of course we do. And that's exactly what we're gonna know how to do after our episode today. Before we get started, I wanted to encourage you to stick around later in the episode to hear a special segment sponsored by Verizon, because I'm going to share with you how important it is to raise your standards. So stick around. You're going to love it. Here on this podcast, we talk a lot about tools. Tools for solving things that are expected or maybe things that aren't. Here's a tool to keep your schedule together. Take five oil change. The moment your oil light comes on, head to take five. They check everything, explain what you need, what you don't, and you're done in about 10 minutes. Don't let an oil change interrupt your schedule. Visit take5.compodcast and save up to 30%

[B]

support for this podcast and the following

[A]

message come from Mitti Health. Women's midlife health issues have been trivialized and ignored. It's time for a change. It's time for midi.

[B]

MIDI is covered by major insurance. Making expert care accessible.

[A]

Clinicians provide one on one consultations, listen

[B]

to your unique needs and offer tailored data driven solutions.

[A]

MITI works to make you feel seen, heard and prioritized. Visit join MIDI.com to book your virtual visit the care women deserve. Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I'm excited for this conversation. I wanna have more fun. I know you do too. It's an honor to be together, to spend this time with you. And I promise you we're gonna have fun and you're gonna love this. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this with you, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast Family. Today you and I are getting the secret to building community and connection with your family and friends from our incredible guest and expert today, Priya Parker. Thank you. Priya is considered the leading expert in the world on how to create meaningful connections whenever you get together with other people. She has degrees from Harvard, MIT and the University of Virginia. Her bestselling book, the Art of Gathering is considered the most cited and renowned book on how to better come together with people around you. She is also a conflict resolution facilitator who's helped lead global peace conversations in Asia and Africa. And for decades, she has taught people just like you and me how how to handle conflicts in our lives with the people we love. So please help me welcome Priya Parker to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Priya Parker, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

[B]

Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

I'm really excited because I feel like I want to have more fun and see people more.

[B]

Fun is good for our families. Fun is good for our health. Fun is not only fun, it's actually crucial to our relationships and to our communal life.

[A]

Amazing. Well, we all wanna have it, but for some reason it seems kind of hard to be making fun and gathering and connecting with people. And so I wanna read to you from your bestselling book, the Art of How We Meet and why It Matters. This is from the introduction. We spend our lives gathering, first in our families, then in neighborhoods and playgroups, schools and churches, and then in meetings, weddings, town halls, conferences, birthday parties, product launches, board meetings, class, family reunions, dinner Parties, trade fairs, and funerals. And we spend much of that time in uninspiring, underwhelming moments that fail to capture us, change us in any way, or connect us to one another. Any number of studies support a notion that's obvious to many of us. Much of the time we spend in gatherings with other people disappoint us. For the person who is nodding their head, you've had that experience of being in a room full of people, and you feel alone. You force yourself to go out because you know it's good for you to get out of the house. And you spend money eating at a restaurant you don't want to be at. You have boring conversation with people that are slightly annoying, that you don't connect with. And then you get home and you're like, why did I even do that?

[B]

Why do I even try?

[A]

Why do I even try? I just spent $73 on a meal.

[B]

I put pants on.

[A]

Yes. I put pants on.

[B]

I put my make.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Why do I even try?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, there's almost nothing lonelier than being with other people and feeling alone. And so part of the opportunity we have is so much of modern life. And our thinking about hosting or gathering has always focused on the logistics.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Whether it's the food, whether it's the infrastructure, whether it's the table, whether it's the venue, and all of those things matter. But we're basically told that you leave the rest to chance. Right. You hope for the best when it comes to people. And I'm a conflict resolution facilitator. How do you help people connect without having to be the same? And so much of what my peers and I are taught as facilitators isn't taught in modern culture. And so we are taught, we are trained. It's a whole profession of, how do you help people get off their scripts? How do you create a dinner where people actually, instead of saying what they always say, pause for a second and think, and then something new happens. But so often, because we assume we're just supposed to leave people to themselves, or it's awk to impose, or who am I to try to steer the conversation? We are leaving people less well off than if they had just stayed at home.

[A]

And I take it this also applies to family, since even though y' all share DNA potentially.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

That you don't have the same belief system and that you are very different. And maybe this is a dumb question, but what do you mean when you say gathering? Cause when you say the word gathering, I thought you meant throwing a party.

[B]

So I define a gathering as anytime three or more people come together with a beginning, middle and end for a reason. And so much of what I'm trying to work on as a facilitator is our country, our culture is awash in self help. And self help is important. Those tools have deeply helped me. I am in therapy. I have deeply benefited from many individual tools. But when the lens is basically, how do I just improve myself? How do I count my steps? How do I take my sugar intake? All those things are important. But we actually also need group help. How do we actually help the groups of our life? And so many of our problems are shared problems. They're not going to be solved by just the individual. They have to be solved by the group. And so it's an invitation to start getting interested in the group help business too.

[A]

Oh, I love that. The group help business. I think we all can agree we need some help with the groups, whether it's our group of friends or the group that is the family or the group that is the in laws or the group that is your neighbors or the group that is your colleagues at work. And that's what you're gonna teach us today.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

How to have better connections in the groups we're in and how to create new groups of people and how to show up in groups and how to

[B]

diagnose when something is off. How do you have the tools and the confidence to do something? Whether it's a high or a college reunion. Right. So many people get onto an airplane to go to this reunion, sometimes across countries. And then you go and like, nothing much happens. And it's almost. It breaks your heart. Everyone's here. If we just put a little bit of structure in it, if we just thought of it in a different way. You can move this entire night from everyone feeling sort of, you know, isolated and repeating high school over again. To imagine having the best conversations of your life with the people that you grew up with 40 years ago.

[A]

Well, I also thought of another example. How many times have you traveled to go see family? And everybody sits inside.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And kind of catches up. And then within hours a day, you're kind of irritated and bored. Kind of like looking at our watches. Traffic's gonna be building up. We should probably leave a little earlier than we thought. And you've checked the box, but you actually didn't get anything.

[B]

You haven't watered the garden.

[A]

Well, that group needs help. Let me tell you. We all have that particular family member's house that we're thinking about right now where, you know, a small part of you goes to die and to show up. And we all kind of hope it's gonna be a little bit different. But I'm starting to gather, no pun intended, that there are specific strategies that we can be using in those situations. And those situations are all over our lives. So you say there are three ways to spice up or have more fun in any gathering of people, make it more meaningful. Let's talk about the first way.

[B]

So the biggest mistake we make when we gather is we skip defining the purpose. Oh, what is the purpose of this gathering? What is the purpose of this family reunion? What is the purpose even of coming together for Thanksgiving or Shabbat or whatever category you have in your head? And the simplest way, if you remember nothing else from our conversation, is to first ask every single time, what is the need here? What are we craving? And so often we skip defining the purpose that we go back into these old forms that are no longer serving anyone.

[A]

I would love to have you break down purpose. And I know you have a physical prop to show us. And I will explain what this is. She has yoga blocks, and Priya has just put up one that says purpose.

[B]

So the first step in thinking about how to have a meaningful gathering is to ask, what is the purpose? Why, in this case that you're talking about, why am I coming to this? Why am I visiting my parents? Why do I do this? And it may sound kind of wild to say, like, why am I visiting my parents? But hear me out. The reasons why you might Visit your parents 20 years ago might actually be a different reason than you're visiting them now. And so 20 years ago, it might have been depending on your age or stage in life to get some help with your kids, right? I'm visiting my parents so that they can bond with my kids. And I'm willing to deal with everything else because what is important to me is making sure that there's a connection there. And 20 years later, your kids may be out of the house and you're still visiting your parents. The need that I might have now might be different. The purpose might be to start asking them about their lives as I'm starting to think about their mortality. I don't need to tell them that. But there are a lot of ways to actually flip the script when you bring in new ways of being together. So I'll give a simple example. I was visiting my father. He lives in Florida, and I was taking my children, and we sat down at a Restaurant. We don't live in the same state. It's a rare moment, right. We could talk about the weather. We could talk about the beach we just went to. And I knew inside of me, like, this is one of the few times of the year my children are gonna be with my father. And so I said to them, kids, you wanna ask grandpa a magical question and a magical question, and you all can use. This is a question that everyone in the group would be interested in answering, and everyone in the group would be interested in hearing each other's answers. That part is important. And my daughter looks up, and her eyes are bright and sparkly. And my. And my father looks and says, what's that? And she goes, I have one. What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? That was worth it? And we all. My father look. You know, his eyes gets bright. And then she goes. Before the age of 12, and we were off to the races. And I share. I laughed and I shared something my kids had never heard. They each kind of decided what they were going to confess, you know, in front of me. I heard stories from my father I'd never heard before. We were laughing. Those were two completely different lunches. And so part of thinking about what is my purpose when I'm about to enter into a room like that? And for me, it's to connect my children, and particularly to connect my father to the present version of my children and to connect my children to the complex being my father is and has been over his seven decades on this planet.

[A]

What I love about this, because it's so obvious once you hear it. Not rocket science and deeply personal and profound. I have this saying that I say a lot, which is, if you change nothing, nothing changes. And we spend a lot of time anticipating and hoping to have fun and wishing that the connection will happen, and fingers crossed that this lunch is somehow magically gonna be different. Yes. Than every lunch that we do three times a year that we've done for the last decade. And then somehow we're surprised and disappointed that it is not any different.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it comes down to the opportunity that you're teaching us today, which is to wake up and realize that you have a lot of power here. But if you change, nothing, nothing changes. And the first thing you need to change is just take a beat and be like, what's the purpose? If I'm actually going to go, what is the purpose? There is some need in my life that I can fill with this gathering. That's the purpose. I don't need to tell anybody else. I'm not telling my dad. I just need to figure out, okay, what are some things that I could do so that I get that need filled.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I love that you also, you know, you said there's three different layers to the purpose, ways to think about it.

[B]

So the first is to think about the gathering being specific.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Meaning lies in specificity. So one of the reasons often we're not sure how to gather either feels too complicated or there's, like, too much to do. Your gathering, this is a real example, can literally be a woman. I know her basil plant bloomed. Like, she literally realized she had too many basil leaves in her little window. Basil plant. And she decided to invite her friends over to help her. Her eat her basil. She had a margarita pizza party and basil mocktails. That was it. Right. But it was specific.

[A]

You know, you just gave me an idea for gathering.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Three years ago, I planted these bulbs for a foxtail lily, which grows, like, 5ft tall, and it's got this gorgeous, like, feathery cone of a flower that goes from, like, orange to. To light yellow. They're just so extraordinary. And I remember reading on the package that they will be basically dormant and boring for three to four years. This is the summer when I left for this studio, those suckers were coming up, and they're starting to do this. And I could throw a cocktail party, a viewing party. Viewing party for the foxtail. I have three of them. Only three. Like, these are expensive bulbs. And so. And I've waited three years for.

[B]

Oh, by the way, write this in the invitation. And so the invitation becomes this opening to this story.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I bought these three years ago. There are only three. They are expensive, and on June 21st, they're gonna bloom. And won't you come witness this spectacle of beauty with me? You could tell them to wear the colors of the flower.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But specificity allows us, particularly in modern life, to have meaning together.

[A]

What is the next piece of purpose?

[B]

Okay, the next piece of purpose is unique. So a good purpose for a gathering is specific. It's unique. And part of a gathering is like, how is this gathering different than all other gatherings? How is me turning 37 different than me turning 56? What is it that uniquely I need or want in this moment of life? And part of thinking about, even if it's that same family dinner every Sunday, right. Or if it's visiting the parents, or even if it's a team meeting, people are different from week to week. The needs that you Actually have might be different from week to week. I had a friend who was turning 50 and he realized that what he wanted for his 50th birthday, he thought again, what is my purpose? What is my need in this moment? And he thought to himself, you know, he got kind of scared. He was feeling sort of depressed. And he realized like, he doesn't usually get mopey around his birthday. And so he started thinking about it, he talked about it with his wife and he realized so many people in his life he saw once they turned 50, started taking less risks and he's a journalist and it really scared him. And he said, I don't want to be somebody who starts contracting after I'm 50. And so he decided to throw a birthday party and invite everybody in his life who represent adventure. So that was a unique thing. He didn't need that at 49. He didn't need that at 51. The third part of purpose I'm moving this block over here is being disputable.

[A]

What do you mean disputable?

[B]

It's not for everyone. It's. People may disagree with it. It's almost like having a point of view. So years ago, when I wrote the Art of Gathering, a journalist called me up and she'd been assigned to Art of Gatheringify her dinner party. And she said, priya, can you Art of Gatheringify my dinner party? I said, what is a need in your life that by bringing together a specific group of people you might be able to address? She paused and she was like, you know, I'm a journalist, but I'm also a working mom and I'm really worn out. And the other day I was at a friend's house and she cut me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into triangles and fed me baby carrot sticks. And I burst into tears and I said, why did you burst into tears? And she said, because I realized I'm a worn out mom and it's been a long time since someone has taken care of me. What if I hosted a dinner party for my other worn out moms? And I said, give it a name. And she called it the worn out mom's hootenanny. And then I said, give it a pop up rule. And she said, if you talk about your kids, you have to take a tequila shot. And all of a sudden like the blood started coming back into her face. It moved from an obligation to something she actually wanted to do. She, she sent out this invitation with the story, with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich story and all six women RSVPDs within the first 45 minutes. And she hosted this amazing, hilarious, beautiful, disputable night. One of the ways as you're thinking about reimagining that family gathering or reimagining the way your friends hang out, it's not to do it in the room. 90% of the success of a gathering happens before anyone has entered. You have to actually start with the purpose. And then you gotta almost like a fishing rod, you're like wheeling your guest in. You have to prime them and give them a sense of like, are you up for this? This is my need. Do you share this need? So the worn out mom's hooten nanny is a disputable purpose? What if I wanna talk about my kids? Then you gotta take a shot. I'm being a little facetious here, but part of having a gathering that's about something is it's creating boundaries. It's actually saying that for this night, this is what we're actually going to be doing. And also, if you're not up for it, that's okay. Not everyone has to come to everything. Not every gathering is for everyone. And so part of modern life is we actually often over include in part because we haven't thought about what our purpose is and we back into it and then we think, well, you know, we actually had a different conversation because they brought these other friends. And so we weren't able to have the conversation we would normally have because that would have excluded the guests who were here. And so often we get kind of scrambled and convoluted in our gatherings because in trying to be, you know, nice and generous and the spirit of generosity, we tend to actually kind of dilute our gatherings because we haven't thought about what is this for? Our. Our most precious thing we have is our time. And so part of the invitation is to think more deeply ahead of time about what can you do with the people in it and are they game for it. And when you start with purpose, it changes everything. Okay, I'm gonna put these blocks to the side.

[A]

You know, I can almost hear the person who's with us right now nodding along and then thinking, what is wrong with just hanging out? Like, I'm already exhausted. I'm doing so much at work cooking for all these people. Like now I gotta come up with a purpose and an intention and prop.

[B]

If the way you are spending time with your people is fulfilling, you keep going. Keep going. You are lucky if the way you're hanging out with your friends, if the way you're hanging out with your family is nourishing for you and nurturing. Awesome. Don't change anything. But if you are feeling a sense of, like, I'm feeling lonely, then to pause and to actually think about how you want to spend your time and invite the others, who also may be frustrated with how they're spending their time, to join you. You'll have a much richer, connected, delightful, fun life.

[A]

Okay, let's put this to the test. So this summer, I'm hosting a bunch of different people at our home in Vermont. And one of the reasons why this is happening is it's our 30th wedding anniversary.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And instead of. I know I'm surprised.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Thank you. Instead of throwing a party where I stopped and thought, you know, let's throw a big party and have a dance party. I love a dance party. And I thought, well, wait a minute. I'm not gonna talk to anybody. So do I really wanna have a big party to celebrate, or do I want to celebrate in a different way? And so we reached out to groups of friends that don't live near us and then invited them to come over certain weekends. And we have a bunch of my husband's college friends coming. Cause there's a bluegrass festival nearby us.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

And there'll probably be 20 people at her house. And I said to everybody, bring tents and please leave your dogs at home. But beyond that, I haven't thought about it.

[B]

I mean, you've already thought a lot about it. That's beautiful. So you have a purpose, Right. You have a need, which is to celebrate your 30th anniversary. Would you say that's the need?

[A]

The need is really. I just. I think, like, everybody. The years of 2020 through 2025 basically hit delete on almost all of our social lives.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Between hybrid work and people moving and empty nesting and job changing and just getting reclusive because you're at home on zoom calls. And who wants to drive into the city to see people? Everyone's tired, everyone's exhausted. And so I think the purpose that this is fulfilling is I miss seeing friends. It's beautiful. I miss these experiences. I miss the things that Chris and I used to do when we had either little kids that we could drag everywhere, you know, the parties that you have when you're young adults and every kid's running around in diapers and, you know, it doesn't matter if you're sleeping on a couch. We're all just kind of together that I want. I miss that in my life. And I realize it's not gonna fall out of the sky. I need to create this.

[B]

It's beautiful. It's a gift to them. And you're also naming something. There's so much. I'm a conflict resolution facilitator and sort of Conflict Resolution 101 is name it. Like, name the thing, name the grief, name the loss. Name it. And so part of what's so beautiful about you naming this thing and saying, wow, we haven't done this since 2019, is you're naming something that other people also experienced.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so there's almost. You can almost feel like, you know, your throat sort of tightening in a good way. That's saying, yes, I have that too. And so when you're bringing your people together, almost the excuse of your 30th anniversary. Right. Like, this is a big moment. Maybe I'll use this as an excuse to bring everyone together, to be together in spectacle and joy and bluegrass and remembering that, like, we can be alive and we can be together. That's enough. It's so beautiful.

[A]

So another thing that I could use help with is we have family coming in from out of town. And one of the patterns that I've noticed is that we tend to go to someone's house and then hang. And I notice that when we go on a trip somewhere where there are things to do, there's less conflict.

[B]

Definitely.

[A]

There is more fun.

[B]

Definitely.

[A]

That somehow going to people's houses and hanging becomes a cauldron for all kinds of short tempers and frustrations and criticism.

[B]

And I mean, think about the difference between even just your body language describing your 30th anniversary of people are coming, and we're pitching tents, and I said, no dogs, and we're going to bluegrass. And then you're like, versus this other thing that you're gonna go and you're gonna sit in this couch, and you're gonna sink deeper and deeper into this couch. Part of, you know, groups are groups, and whether it's family or whether it's friends, people love adventure, Right? You're actually. When you're going out on adventure, when you're in a city or you're in a new place, you actually have a third element to interact with. And so, you know, talk is actually sometimes not good for connection.

[A]

Ooh, hold on. Talk is not good for connection.

[B]

My mentor, Hal Sa, created this process called sustained dialogue. Like, literally his entire profession was about helping people talk better to each other. And what he would always tell us, baby facilitators, is dialogue is not always the Right tool. Sometimes people need to play a soccer game. Sometimes people need a dance party. Sometimes they need to go out and have an effing blast together or go

[A]

antiquing or go drive and go gardening,

[B]

go on a walk. Sometimes what people actually need is to talk less because we get into these loops, we get into these same patterns, and often there's a whole element of talk that actually creates much more distance. And so particularly with families, particularly with people that you spend a lot of time with, where you sort of get stuck in a role, even more important is that the time to have fun, to go do something you wouldn't normally do. I had a friend for Thanksgiving last year who was bringing together in laws for the first time, multiple uncles and aunts, and she organized a collective sound bath for the entire group. Like, she literally created a sound bath. They're not going to talk. They're going to sit together in silence for 90 minutes.

[A]

That sounds amazing, right?

[B]

And so even when you think about whether it's your family, what you think about, as your friends coming for your 30th anniversary party, one of the best ways to lower your anxiety about hosting is to share the burden.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

And what I mean by that is to in some way make everyone feel, be a sub host or a co host in a way that would delight them. So with your friends, this is just one example. You don't have to do this if you say you have three days together. Sometimes I do this with friends. Birthday parties, particularly for a big one, people are traveling to invite everyone to bring some kind of gift or offering for the group. And that could be, I've done this before. At a 40th birthday party, one person brought their favorite tiny little drops of. Of a specific sunblock. And their offering for the entire group was making sure that everyone didn't get a sunburn. And someone else brought their favorite game from their childhood. And they introduced this game for 20 minutes.

[A]

You know what I love about that is that you gave people a specific assignment, they can get creative, and then you don't end up with 14 bagels that nobody ate and tubs of potato salad that people want to jam in

[B]

your fridge or tap dancing the entire time, trying to entertain everyone. Someone else brought beautiful little tiny bars of organic chocolate and just literally the act of going around to 35 other guests at some point over the course of the weekend, it makes people look towards each other. It gives them a tiny little sense of like, this is my gathering too. And so part of thinking about spending time together is Finding ways to help people have a shared experience without needing to be the same. Another very simple thing is fun dress codes. Fun dress codes meaning wear the single best thing in your closet. No shopping.

[A]

Oh, I love the no shopping.

[B]

I once did this for a birthday party. Three people showed up in their wedding dresses.

[A]

Oh, that's killer.

[B]

I know a woman who threw a no pants party in Chicago in her apartment. It was July. She didn't. Her AC wasn't working. I think it was from like a Simpsons like episode. People showed up in everything from bathing suits to skirts to dresses. Her father showed up in overalls and a good natured fight broke out about whether or not overalls or pants. Like it was a total hit because there was shared context.

[A]

Priya, thank you. I am so excited that you're here and I need to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. But don't go anywhere. Priya writes about this concept called unhealthy peace. That you have unhealthy peace in your life, in friendships, with your family. She's gonna describe what that is and exactly what to do about it. Because we do need to do something about it and we're gonna get to that a little bit later. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Let me tell you something. No one wakes up. Fearless confidence is built one decision at a time. You take a breath, you push yourself a little bit forward every day, and then you wake up and you do it again the next day. That's how growth happens. So if you're ready to take on a challenge, the Defender is too. It's not just a vehicle, it's a statement. The Defender is built for people who push boundaries. Whether you're heading into the wild or sneaking away for the weekend, it's ready for whatever adventure you dream up. This is an icon reimagined, rugged and purpose built on the outside with modern comfort and smart design inside, durable materials, extreme testing and next level tech 3D surround cameras, clear sight views, intuitive displays and driver aids to make even tight parking feel like a breeze. And there's a Defender for every kind of explorer. The Defender 90 is a compact two door powerhouse city ready with serious grit. The Defender 110 balances off road capability with on road comfort. And the Defender 130 room for eight and gear to match for the journeys that demand more. Explore the full Defender lineup@land roverusa.com it can be easy to forget how much me time really does matter. Especially when life gets stressful. Things pile up. You're so focused on everybody else and whatever it is that's on fire right now that before you know it, you haven't really paused at all. But taking even a little time for yourself can help you reset and recharge. Because a moment of me time can shift how you move through the rest of your day and even through your whole week. At Massage Envy, your me time is all about you. Maybe it's a relief massage to ease those everyday aches and pains, or a relaxation massage to help you fully unwind. Or maybe your skin really deserves some attention and some love. With a results driven facial designed to focus on things like fine lines, blemishes, uneven looking skin tone, dullness, or whatever it is that your skin needs. Whatever you need to feel and look your best. There is a service at Massage Envy that's designed to help you feel that way. Book your [e-mail] today. Each location is an independently owned and operated franchise. Summer is finally here. Aren't you so excited to get outside? You know what I did last weekend? We went down into the basement, pulled out all the patio furniture. Oh my gosh. It's starting to look great out there. But here's what didn't look so great. The outdoor pillows I've had for a couple years. They got these black dots all over them. You know what that is? It's mildew. It's time for new pillows. So where am I going? Wayfair. Because they have everything. Outdoor seating, grills, major appliances, storage, patio lights, rugs, decor and mildew free pillows. You can even shop Wayfair verified your shortcut to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets everything by hand using a 10 point inspection, testing things like quality of materials, functionality and features and even how long it takes to build, installation and assembly services are available for a truly seamless experience. Patio season is here and these deals won't last. Head to Wayfair.com right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every Home. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. You and I are here with the bestselling author of the Art of Gathering, Priya Parker. So Priya, one thing I wanna circle back to cause I think it's advice that is going to profoundly change for the better gatherings with our family. Which is I want you to really think about the Some people don't wanna talk. They need to either go on a walk or go to a Museum or play a soccer game that oftentimes is not that deep. And my husband and I tend to be deep people that want to talk. And I can see how when you try to engage somebody that does not like to talk, that does not want to discuss feelings or their plans for when they die or whatever it is that my husband, the death doula, would like to really get deeper and that it creates tension. And how can you shift so that you can make them more comfortable and, you know, maybe. Let's keep moving. Nothing to see here. Okay.

[B]

Groups are like accordions, and group gatherings are like accordions. Sometimes you want a lot of density in the conversation and everyone having a shared experience. And sometimes you need to kind of loosen it out and pull it back out. So if you think about a family reunion or a friends reunion for three days, you know, actually some of the best gatherers I know are introverts. Some of the best gatherers I know recharge alone. And in my research, so many of the gatherers that other people told me create amazing gatherings. Self identified as introverts. Self identified would often be on the outside of things. And I asked one of them, why do you think this is? And she said, I am so uncomfortable at so many of the gatherings that I come to that I started designing gatherings I actually want to be at.

[A]

So what are some of the attributes of a gathering that introverts like, structure? So I'm walking and knowing.

[B]

So the first element is not relying on your, like, personality and your tap dancing to like, be the person who's connecting everyone and being the person who's giving all the toasts and being the person who has to basically be the infrastructure of everyone else. It's actually thinking about the thoughtful structure ahead of time that will allow people to connect with each other. I was once at a birthday party that had a quiet corner and there's two. And it literally said quiet corner and there's two hammocks. And all day long, part of the thing is we all need breaks.

[A]

Yes. Right.

[B]

And so there's. Sometimes they're really good at saying, you know what? And they, they put two people together in the family who don't necessarily know each other. We all go out and just get some eggs, we need some eggs. Just shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Then they'll go and have a conversation in the car that they would never otherwise have. Introverts think, at least the ones that I've, that I've spent time with and that are really great gatherers. They really think about shared context, they think about meaning. And they also have the empathy to know that there's many ways to connect and it's not just through conversation.

[A]

That's great you say that. Another thing that a really good gathering requires is good controversy. What the heck does that mean?

[B]

So, I mean, I should start by saying I am a conflict averse conflict resolution facilitator. So I am a conflict resolution facilitator and I hate conflict. My parents are divorced and when they first separated.

[A]

I bet you have a lot to talk about with your therapist.

[B]

I have a lot to talk about with my husband.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? That was like a very interesting.

[B]

So I mean, basically when my parents separated, everyone was shocked because they never fought. Oh, they never fought. And so I learned from a young age that there's great loss and avoidance and that human connection can be as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflicts.

[A]

Unhealthy peace. Oh, I just thought of about five marriages I know of and friendships. Right.

[B]

And work relationships.

[A]

Unhealthy peace.

[B]

And so part of like.

[A]

Can we just talk about that for a minute?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Give me some examples of unhealthy peace.

[B]

Unhealthy peace is being hurt by somebody and holding onto it and choosing to not say something. And then a story about them grows in our head and then eventually we're so scared to say something, we leave or we ghost or we exit rather than trying to get to what I call healthy heat or healthy conflict. Unhealthy peace is often in teams where everybody knows that it's a terrible idea to launch this product, but no one's willing to actually say it. Unhealthy peace can be in a family, at a multi generational family gathering and somebody uncle is belligerent towards another cousin, maybe their own child, and everyone freezes and just looks down under the table. You can have strategic avoidance, but unhealthy peace is choosing to not touch something you care about because you're afraid of loss and you're afraid of what might happen. And our society oscillates within our friendships and our families. We oscillate between unhealthy peace and unhealthy conflict. We either avoid exit ghost, or we burn the freaking house down. And so, and I know this because my house was burned down. But through unhealthy, metaphorically, through unhealthy peace.

[A]

Because your parents never fought. And then all of a sudden they got.

[B]

My parents never fought. They both came from conflict Diverse families. One is white American, from Iowa, from the Midwest, one is Indian. Totally different cultures. But this inherited culture, that conflict is dangerous. I have such deep empathy for the people in the room who want to flee. And I've learned that you can hold heat. I've learned it's a learnable skill, but

[A]

we're not taught it. So if you're listening right now and you're like, oh my God, my whole life is full of unhealthy peace. There's all kinds of stuff at work. I never say anything. I am in a marriage where I feel like roommates. I hold resentment toward friends that I never express. I tolerate disrespect and other stuff from a parent. What is the first step to do if you're recognizing that unhealthy peace is in your life?

[B]

So first is to know you're not alone. This is very, very, very common. And part of the reason so many of us, myself included, are like this is because we're taught that conflict is immoral. We're taught that conflict is sin, metaphorically, we're taught that conflict is dysfunctional. We're taught that conflict is for people who are all messed up. And so the first element is to pause and to actually be curious and invite the idea that conflict is actually necessary for connection. Healthy communities hold healthy heat. And so the first thing is just to just pause. And if you are like me, which is I was raised where if any, the heat starts to rise, we all just stick our head in the sand like ostriches, that it is not only okay to have conflict, that it is conflict is relevance. Conflict is we don't fight about the things we don't care about, right? And so when you're starting to get upset about something, you're starting to is something rubs you the wrong way. That means that it's getting to the things that you value. It's the things that are actually give you life. And so as a conflict resolution, one of the things we often look for is what the, what the relationship, what the conflict resolution facilitator called Sethu Nair calls relational longing. And relational longing. When as facilitators in any type of fight, we're not brought in with people who hate each other because they just leave, right? Facilitators work with people who still want to belong to each other. And so part of the essence of getting into any type of relationship, friendship, long term community, is finding the relational longing that still exists at the center of the fight and coming from there to begin to say, hey, I'M gonna speak this dangerous truth. I'm gonna say this thing that scares me in part, too, because as an investment in you, because otherwise I may just leave.

[A]

What would your advice be for that moment when you are the one keeping the peace, but you're really scared to say anything or to try to shift the dynamic?

[B]

Get curious about what this conflict actually is and don't assume that it's going to end the relationship. Conflict is actually quite intimate. When you actually get into a conflict with someone else, it's doing things like admitting that you're affected by the other person, admitting that you're vulnerable to the other person. One of the reasons conflict is so scary is because it's admitting that we affect each other. And so the first thing to think about is you're actually your own body. And before you figure out what you're going to say or when you're going to say it or how you're going to say it, I have a friend and facilitator, Prentice Hemphill, who says the most powerful body we have is a relaxed body. And so the first thing I'll tell you as a facilitator, I actually write about this in the Art of Fighting that's coming out this fall, is I break down what we, as facilitators, do to prepare for a fight we're gonna hold. And a huge amount before I enter a room to hold a fight I'm not even a part of, is physical. And we think of fights as physical, but actually the biggest physicality of a fight is in our own bodies. And so to think first is to breathe, to literally put both feet on the ground. I think about my own purpose and intention and coming in, and then I'm still kind of shaky and my voice may still shake. And then to say, hey, do you have a moment? Can we talk about something? Do you have a moment to chat? I wanted to share with you something that didn't sit well with me. And part of modern life is we actually oscillate between, again, saying nothing and suing each other. So in our cultural context, where we don't have a lot of healthy heat examples, sometimes people do freak out. And so if you're listening and you're part of a team, you can actually start creating healthier cultures in your team for heat. Simple example, I had this manager do it is I said, start your weekly meetings, your staff meetings, just for 10 minutes, no more. Or you zip around and everybody does. Rose and thorn.

[A]

It's the parents in the family.

[B]

Parents. Exactly. So best part of your week, worst part of your week. And I said, just do that 10 weeks in a row. Don't change anything else. Just do that 10 weeks in a row. And she came back and she said, you know, the first few weeks, some people were really into it, other people weren't. Then week three, week four, they started realizing like, okay, we're really doing this. For some people, what was risky was sharing stuff outside of work. For some people, it was risky was sharing stuff inside of work. But by the eighth week, the rest of the meeting began to change because they started normalizing thorns. And so part of thinking about the cultures that you're creating in your families, particularly if you're somebody with some amount of social power or authority, is whatever your relationship to conflict is, is going to be the group's relationship to conflict.

[A]

Priya, I have so many things that I am going to put to use immediately already. Don't go anywhere. We're going to take a quick break so we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words. But we have so much more to dig into when we return. Stay with me. When it comes to investing or really anything, don't you think it's important to choose a company that you can trust, One where you have the freedom to do things your way with confidence? Because some days you might want a little more control and flexibility and other times you may need a specialist in your corner to help out. Well, with Schwab, you get all that and more all in one place. Schwab has everything from self directed investing. When you're thinking, hey, I got this all the way to full service wealth management. When you're like, you know what, I'm going to need to get some help. That includes planning for big goals too, like college, buying a house, retirement planning and more. Because if you're going to do this whole money thing, you might as well choose a firm that lets you do it your way, right? Visit schwab.com to learn more. That's schwab.com when it comes to your health and wellness, trust matters. Whether you're working toward fitness goals, building a wellness routine, or just stocking up on everyday essentials for your family, where you shop really matters. And that's why I want to tell you about our new sponsor, Iherb. It's your one stop shop for vitamins, supplements, sports nutrition, personal care, and even grocery, baby and pet products. For nearly 30 years, Iherb has delivered wellness products sourced directly from trusted brands to more than 15 million customers. Around the world. And here's what sets them apart. There are no third party sellers on iHerb's website or app, so you can shop confidently knowing that for supplements and sports nutrition products, brands provide certificates of analysis and select products are independently verified through the Eye Tested Lab program too. And if something doesn't meet your expectations, Iherb makes it right with easy returns and simple refunds. Visit iherb.commel and use code meltwenty for 20% off your order. That's iherb.commel with code MEL20. You know, a lot of us have tried learning another language, maybe Spanish in high school or a few phrases for an overseas trip. But what about when it's time to use those skills? That's when you realize that knowing a few random words isn't the same thing as having the confidence to have a conversation. Rosetta Stone Sapphire is a major new release in language learning, combining Rosetta Stone's trusted immersion method with the latest innovations in education technology to help you go from knowing phrases to speaking confidently about the topics you care about. In fact, I'm going to be brushing up on my high school French using Rosetta Stone Sapphire. If you want to take your language skills to the next level, don't wait to try Rosetta Stone Sapphire the Mel Robbins Podcast. Listeners can get 20% off their Rosetta Stone Sapphire subscription when they sign up Today. You'll get unlimited access to all 25 Rosetta Stone languages plus all the new Sapphire learning tools. Visit Rosetta Stone.com Mel to redeem your 20% off. That's RosettaStone.com Mel and start learning a language for real. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are here with Priya Parker, the bestselling author of the Art of Gathering. So I want to go back to the moment that we've all had where you are at a family gathering and you are sitting at the table and all of a sudden somebody who we all know who the difficult person is in the extended family, they do their thing, you know, like whatever they sound off about Poland and you are now in your unhealthy peace and you're thinking about Priya's art of gathering and the art of fighting, and you're starting to feel the heat and you're thinking, I would rather be on the planet Mars than sitting at this dining room table right now. How on earth does healthy heat or a little bit of conflict make the gathering better?

[B]

First of all, that moment is really scary.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it is most of us go back into the roles that we've always played.

[A]

You know what I do? I start busting the table.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then I get a drink.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get up. Which is not a way to handle healthy conflict, by the way.

[B]

So this may sound like a cop out, but it actually isn't. Which is these moments in time are actually few and far between. And the best way to change them is before anyone enters the room.

[A]

Oh, okay. I love that. The best way to change the dynamic

[B]

is before anyone enters the room.

[A]

Okay, what am I changing?

[B]

So, first of all, if this is something that's happening at your dinner table once a year, over and over again, first, find your allies. Find your allies that also, at every moment, feel like, I hate that he does that, or I hate that they do that. But I don't know what to do in that moment. It feels so scary. This is also a multi generational family ritual. Like, who are we to come in?

[A]

You know who those people are? They're the ones that are looking you across the table.

[B]

Exactly. Find your allies. Find your allies. The second is sometimes the old structures actually no longer work. Can I give a simple example?

[A]

Yeah, please.

[B]

So I had a family who there was a lot of conflict and. And often, like, about politics, and it was just sort of over and over

[A]

and over against all of us.

[B]

Yeah, it's just exhausting. It sort of felt we all have to just like, suck it in and go do this thing and no one. And so what this family did was there was two people in it and they're like, okay, we still wanna spend time as a family because it goes back to the purpose. I may not agree with everything in this large extended family, but this is also. These are my people. And what they ended up doing was they found their allies. There's a few other siblings and cousins who were on board with changing. Just like everyone, basically drinking for three hours and then sitting at a table and drinking more. And so they decided and they created a cooking championship where the next year, at the family reunion, they put together teams ahead of time of different people, including the people who were like, I don't know how to cook. And it's like, well, here's a spatula, Right? They put together the cooks and the non cooks, and every different team was responsible for a different meal. It took more time. The prep time took more time. Then everyone was excited about what everyone was eating. They focused on the food rather than what. What you squeeze out the politics conversation by arguing about who made the best salsa. Right. And so one of the things I. I talk about is like, fight, but about other stuff.

[A]

I love that the activity is such a great diversion.

[B]

Yes. You know, another thing? This is particularly to change conversation. Host a hot Takes party where you argue about stuff that does not matter. It's adding warmth to heat. It's. It's saying, I did this with my team years ago. We hosted a hot Takes party as our end of the year dinner. And people come with their most controversial opinion. That does not matter.

[A]

Give me an example.

[B]

There should be only one type of pasta. Tuesday is the best day of the week. Winter is the best season, and you have to defend it to the end. And what happens, and I've seen this in teams, is people start laughing, and it gives them permission to be like, how could you say, there's only one type of pasta? My Italian heritage is deeply offended.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you're actually learning that you can argue there can be juice, there can be warmth, there can be banter. And I've seen teams do this where you're starting to help people have warmth and humor in how they fight and realize that you can actually add juice, you know, water the ground and realize, again, there's a lot of energy here. But fight about other stuff.

[A]

I freaking love that. You're a genius. You are. So we've talked about purpose. We've talked about a good controversy. You're gonna have your hot takes. What is the third thing that can really create meaning in your next gathering?

[B]

Thinking about how you open and how you close.

[A]

Okay, give us some examples.

[B]

So I think about a gathering as the creation of a temporary alternative world. And as a host, you're creating that world. It could be a mosh pit, it could be a rave, it could be a picnic by the river. But these are actually different worlds. And so part of, as a. As a host is to think about, how do you actually open? The first 5% of a gathering deeply matters. So when you're hosting a gathering, really deeply thinking about, how do you open and what are you doing in those first few moments when people are arriving, whether it's to the 30th anniversary, whether it's to a dinner party, because we actually are looking to see, how do we behave in any of these moments? And when a host comes and says, hey, either introduces people to each other or brings people around and says, hey, would you be our wine minister for the night? Whenever you see a cup, would you mind just filling up our water minister? Right. Those first 5% is when people actually realize, oh, like this is how I behave here.

[A]

Give us some fast ideas for those first few minutes when they're coming into your house.

[B]

Stand there, stand there, take a moment. Have a greeting committee, meaning literally your two friends. I had a friend who was having a birthday party years ago and she asked three friends who love doing this. This is important to be the greeting committee. I'm saying that in quotes, right? All that meant was we stood by the door and as people came in, we were like, hi, welcome to so and so's birthday party. We've heard so much about you and the way people respond, like, oh, my gosh, you've heard so much about me.

[A]

How about a zoom meeting? Give us a bunch of fast ideas for the best way to open a zoom call at work without it being cheeseball. And also, like, pulling people in. Like how you set that intention.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So zoom is such a great context to learn from. And one of the things that creates connection is informal activity. And zoom is like the enemy of informal.

[A]

Right.

[B]

We're all in these squares. You have to mute on, mute off. You're not sure if you're supposed to talk, right? That you can't talk to someone else. So you enter a in person meeting. You can go, you can choose the seat you sit in. You can be like, hey, can I get you a coffee? Right. There's all of this informal stitching that actually binds a group, group. And so in these virtual contexts, that's taken from us. And so the host needs to actually create that. And so simple examples first is when you, if you are hosting this zoom, be fully on. Like, once it's on, once the time has start, be on time and then be there. It's almost like, I mean, I say this as a facilitator that does a lot of zooms. It's almost like you're a live sportscaster, right? And so you're like, hey, how's it going? You know what? I'm just gonna. I'm gonna. I'm going to have a sip of this water and I'm curious, what are all you. What's your. You're all in different time zones. Like, just pop into the chat. What are you drinking right now? Oh, Earl Grey tea. Oh, some.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You're actually warming up the group, but on zoom, it's through your language. It's not unlike a podcast host. The second is to invite people to come on camera. I work with a lot of leaders who. And managers who say, like, I don't know how to get my team on camera. But I can't actually read their faces. And so I had a leader who told me that one of the things he did was he told his team that they could be camera off if they sung a Neil diamond song. And like I was with his team when they did and they all started laughing and it was like, it was this playful pop up rule. They all know he loves Neil diamond and the reason he did that and it worked for the team is cause he wanted to know that they were engaged. Right? They wanted. The reason he wanted the camera on is to know that they're not sitting there doing something else. One of the things I often do with my dad, with my team and my students is I have them ask a magical question in the chat while people are waiting. What's the first concert you ever went to and who took you? And people start populating the chat. It creates a completely different world. It helps you understand sort of who's here and who's not here. So I have a friend who runs a tutoring company. Her name is Marcella. And she started doing this, she would ask a magical question every week, but at some point it's kind of like the boss is asking a magical question again. And so she started rotating. Who? Everyone.

[A]

Each week you're assigned the magical question.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Each week a different team member was assigned, coming up with a magical question and asking it in the first three minutes of the chat. And everyone answers it. She's building leadership skills, she's sharing the weight. We actually are excited to hear what one another is going to ask. We can learn from that practice. We start understanding and getting to know each other as a group. And part of why this is important is particularly in virtual teams, when the going gets tough, when there's some mistake, as there will be in every team, the likelihood that I'll pick up the phone and be like, hey, Mel, I actually wanted to talk to you about something. You're creating psychological community through knowing things about each other within appropriate boundaries, within that that is relevant to the work, but that actually helps people understand who each other are and has some cross stitching between the group.

[A]

You say that the endings matter. How do you end?

[B]

Most gatherings don't end, they stop.

[A]

What's the difference?

[B]

You're at a conference, you've had this like beautiful kind of arc of an experience, and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, thanks for coming. You know, coats, gotta run. Coats are in the back. Okay.

[A]

Over, out.

[B]

Thanks everybody. And actually, as I said, every gathering is a temporary Alternative world. And the more different it is from everyday life, the more you also have a responsibility to close it. I had a improv teacher called Dave Sawyer actually here in Boston, and he would often say, good actors think about how they enter a stage. Great actors also obsess about how they exit, how they leave. And so thinking about, again, very simply, walk people out. If somebody's coming to your home.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Walk people out. It's so touching. Sometimes people walk me out of their home, and I'm like. Like, thank you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's an extra piece of care. Thank you for walking me out. It can be, you know, in. In. Sometimes you need to get people out of your house.

[A]

Let me walk you out. Yes.

[B]

And so issuing, like, in. In bars, you know, the last call. Yeah, they ding. They. There's a. There's a. They ding the button. Like, last call, last drink. It's a way to actually prime people to start leaving. And so thinking about what your last call is. My husband and I argue a lot about this, and he comes from a household. It's like, you would never signal to your guests that they should leave. And I come from a family culture where you would never, as a guest, leave until your host releases you. That's right. So you have this, like, chicken game where everyone's like, do we leave now? Is it over? How do we close? And so finding simple ways to allow people to exit. One way is if you're having people for dinner and you're not really sure if it's time to leave, you can say, well, you know, thank you all so much for coming. For some of you, it's a school night, but for those of you who can stay, and we really hope you will, like, let's move to the living room for a night. So finding ways to sort of allow people to exit, whether it's a life of a conversation, whether it's a party you can kind of feel when it's sort of. It's coming to an end. And so part of it is, like, give it an honorable death. Allow people to leave. Whether it's a final song, whether it's a final dance, whether it's just simply I. As a facilitator. Sometimes we do this in work is like, we're asking people, like, best moments of the night. Okay. Best jokes of the night. Okay, who is the mvp, who. And finding ways to help people, meaning make together, and then slowly be like, what transpired here? And in a work context, I do this with all of my zooms. What did you most Learn over the last hour. Summer camps do this really well.

[A]

Well. Cause they have campfires. I mean they should do it really well.

[B]

They should do it really well. But they think really deeply about closing. And they're closing today and the day before and closing ceremonies. Right. Tiny little ways to bring ritual back. We're sort of a ritualist culture.

[A]

Not now. Cause you just taught us how to bring it back.

[B]

And now we are ritual full. And part of modern life is realizing that we still need and want ritual. And when our institutions are fraying and when more people can be part of many institutions, which is also a good thing, for better or for the worse, we actually need to start inventing these rituals. And when rituals that no longer served us because they were either oppressive or because they no longer make any sense because the village has changed, it doesn't mean you end all ritual. It means you ask now what now do we need? And how might we together bring about something that allows us to break bread together, have meaning together and be alive in this precious time that we have?

[A]

So if you're the kind of person who doesn't really consider yourself to be a host, right? Or you are kind of like, ah, you know, you recognize you're waiting for the invite, but you don't typically think of yourself as the host, what is your message?

[B]

Hosting is not an identity, it's an activity. Groups end when people feel like they're not meaningfully contributing or it's not being meaningfully contributing back, basically a lack of reciprocity. And so to not think about it as like this big archetypal thing of like I'm a host, but to actually think about it as effort, thinking about. Also host something you would love to attend. Host something that you want to do and invite one other person to join you. Start small, start simple. If it feels like an obligation, don't do it.

[A]

What are your recommendations for someone who is living in an apartment building or moved to a new neighborhood doesn't really know the neighbors.

[B]

Just this week I saw on Instagram a woman who posted that she hosted a chair and share in her neighborhood. She didn't know any of her neighbors. She sent out all analog invitations, flyers under her neighbors doors and the invitation was to bring a chair and share your name. 40 neighbors show up and they had a great time. But again it sounds silly. A chair, it's actually a symbol. It's specific. I can bring a chair.

[A]

Great.

[B]

People bringing long lawn chairs. Somebody brought like their like wheelie office chair. It gives us something to sit on. It's showing the initiative. Also, a lot of people feel this way to find one or two other hosts, co hosts, ideally, because it can be scary to do something alone. You can also, using flyers, use the occasion of either of holidays invented or not. There are many public institutions that have lots of free programming that actually exist over and over and over again. But the key is to keep going to the same event over and over again, because proximity and repetition creates safety and community.

[A]

You're at a gathering or you're at dinner with your friends. Yeah. And then you have caught up. How's kids? What's going on with work? Yeah. Your parents are doing okay? They're still doing okay. Awesome. What are you doing this summer?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And now there's that pause.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And you're kind of thinking about. And I realize you're gonna tell me I should have thought about this before. I'm there. But now that I'm there and we've done the small talk, what's a fast trick to get us to go in a different direction?

[B]

To ask a magical question.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And to. You can keep them in your pocket. I have a subset called group life. We have, like, more than 50 magical questions. Like, take it in your pocket.

[A]

Give me your top five magical questions.

[B]

What is something you own that you're pretty sure no one else in this group owns?

[A]

Oh, that's a good one, Right? A tractor.

[B]

Why do you have a tractor?

[A]

Because I live on a mountain, and we have a field that needs stuff and a long driveway that needs to be plowed. And I think my husband looks really sexy on it, honestly.

[B]

So what you just gave me there is, like, six different conversational doorknobs. A couple other magical questions. What's a movie, film or TV show that you could never watch again?

[A]

Probably Jaws, because that came out my, like, fifth grade summer or fourth grade summer. And there was something so terrifying about that movie that just about every person that I know in their mid to late 50s had a terrorizing summer would not get in swimming pools that shot from below. Oh, my God. I still, to this day think about it.

[B]

Totally. So do I. And so Jaws as a movie.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Then you can see all of this conversation. What should film be? Is that one of the greatest movies that have ever been created, or did that terrorize an entire generation and change our relationship to the water?

[A]

Both. All right, give me the other three.

[B]

What is an outfit you could have thrown away a long time ago, but you still keep? And what does it mean to you if your life was a movie. What would the opening credits song be?

[A]

That's amazing. What's the. Another one?

[B]

What is your favorite way to eat a potato?

[A]

I like a baked potato that's double stuffed, where you've stirred in the cheese and the sour cream into the middle and then you packed it back in and we get fresh scallions on top and bacon on top. Maybe a little horseradish too. And then you cut it in half and you can eat it like a potato pocket, you know, like taco. Especially if that outside is super crispy. And if I'm having a clam roll or a burger or a lobster roll, it's gotta be shoestring.

[B]

I mean, right now, I learned about your regional preferences. I learned about your passionate beliefs about a potato. I could hear that you have time in New England, but I also could hear maybe you had time in the Midwest. I remembered my double stuffed potatoes from my childhood. I had memories of my stepsister putting those things in, coming out. Right. There's so much context in that.

[A]

And who can forget a tater tot? I mean, come on now.

[B]

And in diverse groups and actually in global teams. This question, this humble question is beautiful because you think it's super simple. And then all of a sudden, people have everything from samosas to gnocchi. Absolutely. To me.

[A]

And what about you?

[B]

For me, it would be aloo puri, which is an Indian food. And when I.

[A]

Is that potatoes and peas?

[B]

It can be, but this is sort of. It's one of those recipes where it's like everyone has their own secret. Aloo is usually. This is just. Just potato. It's not just potato, but it's a potato kind of spiced. And I'm half Indian. My mother, growing up, when I was growing up, would always take me to India for multiple weeks, sometimes multiple months, to spend time with my Indian family. And my grandmother would be standing there in her nightcap and her long nightgown, and she'd hear us come and she'd shuffle into the kitchen and she'd microwave the alupuri that she'd had made for me. And she'd make more warm puris on the stove. And it'd be three in the morning, and I would sit there and I'd eat her aloo puri. And I was like, all is well with the world.

[A]

You gave us so many great things that we can do. And I also love the fact that it doesn't have to take a lot of effort for you to get a massive, massive return. If the person listening takes Just one thing away from all of the things that you have shared with us. The tactics, the questions, the different ideas, the fun, the inspiration. What do you think is the most important thing to do after you're done listening to this that will have your next gathering be very different?

[B]

To pause and ask, what is the need? What is a need that I have? Or what is the need I'm seeing in this community? Why are we coming together? Why? And the purpose need not be serious. In fact, probably better that it's not. But to pause and ask, what? How do I want to spend my time? And if this all feels overwhelming, just the next time you're in a gathering, the next. Whether it's a meeting, whether it's a family reunion, whether it's a wedding, just start observing. Just start observing. Are people happy to be here? Is there thought behind this? What are moments where people are starting to come alive? How am I feeling in this moment? Is there a way? Is there a simple technique? I may be at a wedding table that I've been sat at with strangers and we haven't necessarily don't know each other. Is there a tiny thing I could do, whether it's the person next to me or across, that might, for this one moment, make this more interesting? And if this over all feels overwhelming, start by being a really good guest. Guests have a lot of power.

[A]

Well, since you said that endings really matter, I thought maybe we'd end in a different way.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

How about you end by asking the person who was with us a magical question?

[B]

So if I was sitting here and I was deeply thinking about your community, I would ask something like, what is a specific moment or insight from Amell Robbins podcast that changed your life? And what action did you take in your life because of it? But specifically, what action did you take and how to go? That's the story part of it.

[A]

Oh, I'd love to hear the story. And you can either put it in the review or you can send it [e-mail] or you can post about it on social media. That's a great one. Priya Parker. Absolutely fantastic.

[B]

Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

Thank you so much for the work that you're doing. The whole team has been so excited for you to come, and we have a lot of fun around here, but we all could have more meaningful and more intentional and purposeful connections in our lives. And I just am. I'm super excited because the things that you suggested seem super simple and that they would make an enormous difference and I cannot wait. I am going to particularly use the piece about sometimes people just need to go on a walk or to do soccer or to play badminton and not have a deep talk. And sometimes we need to take ownership over changing the way we're doing things and finding allies and the entire section about the uncomfortable or the unhealthy peace. Holy cow. That was incredible. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for listening to something that will truly change the way you are showing up with your family, the kind of fun you can have, and connections that you can make with your friends, your neighbors, work. There was so much here that I know I'm going to apply. I truly hope you apply. Apply it. And if you do, I guarantee you you're going to have more fun and more meaningful connections. And you deserve that. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend, that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And you just heard Priya share with you that part of living a better life, it requires a little bit of heat from you. It requires you to change some things. It requires you to think about what you actually want and need and then take responsibility for being the one that creates it. Because you can. And I really hope you do. Alrighty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play.

[B]

So thinking about how you open and

[A]

then I've already screwed that up. Cause I'm realizing the opening few minutes when you arrive at my house is me swinging open the front door, yelling at our two dogs, get over here. Stop barking.

[B]

They're nice.

[A]

They're nice. They're not gonna bite you. They just shout, get in here. Who let these dogs out?

[B]

Oh, you live on a farm. Oh, you have a thing.

[A]

No, I just pretend to. I don't really actually live on a farm, but I live. We do have a lot of land and there's a lot of crap to move around and dead trees and that kind of stuff. Ooh.

[B]

Okay. What is something. Sorry.

[A]

I know a lot about you now, you said I know exactly what to make you if you're feeling sad. It was a lot of fun.

[B]

It was a lot of fun.

[A]

These magical questions are incredible. I cannot wait to think of them for our work meetings.

[B]

You all are beautiful hosts. Oh, you really are.

[A]

Well, thank you.

[B]

It's. I feel very well held.

[A]

Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. SiriusXM podcasts. I am so excited to bring you this segment sponsored by our friends at Verizon. As we talk about honoring your personal standards and cutting out the things in life that we shouldn't tolerate, keep in mind that this applies to everything, including your network. Verizon's better deal policy is there to make sure you get the best network and a better deal for yourself, because that's what you deserve. Head over to a Verizon store to find out how to get a better deal. Even if you're an existing customer, which my family has been for 12 years, Verizon will make sure to get you a better deal that meets your personal standards. You know, I read this quote the other day that really stuck with me. Here it is. I just don't want that for myself anymore is a valid enough reason to stop anything. I want to say it again because I really want you to hear this. I just don't want that for myself anymore is a valid enough reason to stop anything. And as I've really sat with this quote, I kind of think the reason it hit me so hard is because it's so easy to just wait around for some big, dramatic reason to change and stop and think about that. What exactly are you waiting for? Are you waiting to change until you're completely burnt out? Are you waiting until you have some reason that sounds important enough to everybody else? Well, as your friend, I'm going to tell you something. Do not hit that breaking point. You are allowed to look at some aspect of your life and say, you know what? I'm done with this. And that's what raising your standards is all about. It doesn't mean you're being difficult. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. What it means is you're finally being honest with yourself. Honest about what no longer works for you. Maybe you used to tolerate this stuff because you were just trying to keep the peace, even though it was creating this war inside of you. Or maybe you tolerated being the person who always says yes to everything and never learned that it's okay to say no. Maybe it's friendships where you're the one putting in all the effort. Or maybe it's actually something that you've been tolerating within yourself that you got to say no to the fact that you've constantly been putting yourself down. So let's revisit this powerful quote. I just don't want that for myself anymore is a valid enough reason to stop anything. You are allowed to throw away the negative things you used to tolerate. You know what that's called? Growth. And it doesn't always look like some huge transformation. Sometimes growth is just, I'm not available for this anymore. I'm not pretending that this is fine when deep down I know it's not, or simply saying, I just don't want this for myself anymore. That last one is so powerful because it puts you back in touch with who you are and what you want and deserve. You are allowed to want better. You are allowed to change. You don't have to spend the rest of your life as this version of yourself. And what would it look like to raise your standards? Just one decision at a time. You don't have to blow up your life. You don't have to make big declarations to everybody. Just one decision. One boundary that you're gonna set for yourself. One honest sentence that you're gonna say on repeat, I just don't want this for myself anymore. That's it. That's enough. That's where change starts and your next chapter begins. Thank you again to Verizon for sponsoring this segment. Verizon understands the importance of personal standards. Whether you're a new or an existing customer like me, they're here to work with you. Bring your AT&T or T mobile bill to Verizon for a better deal on thebest network Must provide recent consumer mobile bill in the name of the person redeeming the deal. Additional terms, conditions and restrictions apply. Best network based on root metrics Best overall Mobile Network Performance US Second Half 2020 all rights reserved. Do you ever wish you could relive some of the most meaningful moments in your life? Like that legendary birthday celebration? Your milestone wedding anniversary? Or the day you walked across the stage to get your diploma? You can't turn back time, but you can revisit your favorite moments and feel those big feelings all over again with a Hallmark card. Opening a card from the past takes you back to the times you felt loved, celebrated or supported. A card makes you feel closer to someone you miss. You can feel the excitement of new love, be reminded of how much a friend cares about you, or laugh over a long forgotten inside joke. When you give a Hallmark card, you give friends and family a reminder of the relationships, the emotions, and the moments that make up their meaningful, magical life. So when you want to make the moment last, make it a Hallmark card. Find the perfect [e-mail] or wherever Hallmark cards are sold. Here on this podcast, we talk a lot about tools. Tools for solving things that are expected, or maybe things that aren't. Here's a tool to keep your schedule together. Take five Oil Change the moment your oil light comes on, head to Take five. They check everything, explain what you need, what you don't, and you're done in about 10 minutes. Don't let an oil change interrupt your schedule. 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