← The Overwhelmed Brain
The Overwhelmed Brain
Life isn't exactly fulfilling when you are holding on to upset toward someone
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When you're holding on to that little bit of anger or upset about or toward someone else, maybe someone who is not even in your life anymore, it can decrease the quality of your happiness, maybe even diminishing it to a mere sliver of what it could...
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Are my personal opinions Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. So I had a thought and it may not go anywhere, but I'm going to share it anyway. It was regarding how we can be upset towards someone, even hate them, have negative feelings about them, and how we hold on to these negative thoughts and feelings for a long time. Usually the person that we're upset with or at is not. Usually. Sometimes the person is still in our life. Somehow they occupy real estate in our brain and so when they do that, we walk around with them. We walk around with them in our mind and they are influencing us. They are a part of us. And the thought came to me and this has to do with my stepfather because I became apathetic toward my stepfather many, many years ago. Abusive alcoholic. In case you haven't heard yet. Those who've heard this show for years are probably like, yeah, we've heard enough about your stepfather. But that was my upbringing. So he played a big part, played a big role in my life and my dysfunctional behaviors and all the things I had to heal. And so I walked around for a long time with him in my head. I walked around with him in my brain. And so there was a part of my brain that was dedicated to him and all the thoughts and feelings I had about him. And so there was a point where I had to change that Because I didn't want to walk around with that. I didn't want to walk around with hatred. I didn't want to walk around with those old feelings that I used to feel when I lived with him. He would embarrass every family gathering. He would embarrass us at restaurants, he would say inappropriate things. And he was often, if not always, inebriated. He was often that. And because of that, he was more likely going to embarrass us and make us just walk out of there feeling shame wherever we were. Even at a family get together at somebody else's house, he would find a way to just be the center of attention in a bad way. And so I was just talking to somebody about this today. I was telling this person that everyone in the family has basically shut him out. You know, after I grew up and my siblings grew up and they moved out of the house, it was just my stepfather and my mom for a long time. So visiting her or her visiting us often included him. And so a lot of, again, attention is paid to the person that bothers you most. And that could be the internal attention that you give it and that I gave him for many years or the external attention when that person is around like I gave him for many years. And so again, there's more occupation that you wish you didn't have to give someone. I don't want him to occupy my mind. And I mean, that was what I was thinking back then. I don't want him to occupy my mind, but he does. Oh, great, they're coming over again. Oh, great, he's going to be there when I go to their house. So that was always on my mind and all of my siblings as well. And so we carry this around, takes up real estate, like I said, and it bothers us. It has been bothering everyone in my family for a long time. And so many, many years ago, I came to a new place with him and other people in my life, other people that have bothered me. And that was a place almost of not forgiveness, because I didn't necessarily feel the need or want to forgive him. And I'm perfectly okay with that because he's done unforgivable things. But I did come to a place of pity, as one of my siblings recently told me, that they have come to a place of that. And I've come to a place of almost compassion because as he has lived his life out because he has abused himself for so long with alcohol and just doing stupid things and ending up in a position of being completely Alone, without people wanting to be near him. He has basically been suffering. And so someone in suffering can bring up a new level of maybe compassion, maybe pity, maybe looking at someone through new eyes. And I'm not saying that you should do this. I'm just saying that if someone's occupying your mind for so long in a negative way and you really don't want to think about them, and you don't want to have those feelings you have when they show up in your mind or show up in your life, then it can be helpful. It can be helpful to understand that there is a suffering that they may be experiencing. And I know what people are thinking now. My so and so isn't suffering. My ex isn't suffering. They are showing everyone they're having the time of their life in their new relationship. They don't look like they're suffering at all. People who are toxic, people who are dysfunctional absolutely suffer in some way, in their way. They suffer. They may be driving around in a hundred thousand dollar vehicle and they are miserable inside because they can't get those thoughts out of their mind. They have to live with themselves. They have been dysfunctional or toxic to another person or other people. And that comes from a place inside of them. Just like the dysfunction I used to live with that I used to put on others. I used to be dysfunctional. I had toxic behaviors the entire time. I was toxic to other people. I was suffering. And that's not, I'm not trying to play the victim there. I'm just saying even when I wanted to control others or change them into what I wanted them to be or who I wanted them to be, even when that was going on, I was in a constantly emotionally triggered state and I carried that around. It was a low level under the surface state of upset and even anger. I would just carry that around with me, walking around with it, waiting for others to trigger me in a way to release that dysfunction and toxicity. And again, I don't say that to play a victim at all. I was definitely the perpetrator victimizing others. I was making them the victim of my toxic or dysfunctional behaviors. Not without suffering, though. There was suffering in me because this is what I believe is that people who do this also suffer. And I'm not telling you that to give them a free pass. That's not it at all. They should not get a free pass. There needs to be accountability though. I was suffering with that constant triggered state because I didn't know how to deal with challenges. I had poor coping mechanisms Though I was suffering with that, I was causing others to suffer. Therefore, I deserved accountability. And I got it over and over again. I got it until I learned. Some people don't learn, but you have to learn. If you are causing the suffering of somebody else, you have to learn so that you don't hurt anybody else and you can actually stop hurting yourself. This may not be for you, this may be for someone else. But the people who cause suffering to others are also suffering in another way. Maybe not in the way you want them to, but they are suffering in some way. Because anybody who shows up like that, it's not healthy. It's not how we're born. We are not, most of us are not born to want others to suffer. We are born with wants and needs. We are born wanting love. I believe that love comes in the form of companionship and parenting. And sometimes we don't get those things. And what happens when we don't get those things? Or what happens when we're abused or neglected? When we're children? We can turn into the type of person I'm talking about, the dysfunctional person, the abusive person. And when we are that person, we are causing harm to others. But what are we living with in ourselves? Because where does toxic behavior come from? It comes from a toxic system. Where does dysfunction come from? It comes from dysfunctional thinking and dysfunctional programming and upbringing conditioning. It comes from all that. I mean, they're all tied together from our upbringing. And because we have that inside of us, we may have that inside of us. We are going to put that out into the world in ways that we may not even be aware of. This is why some people are hurtful to others, not necessarily consciously so. They may be hurtful to others because they believe that's how you're supposed to be. They believe that's how you're supposed to relate to the world and to other people and to the people that you claim to love. And so if you've never been taught otherwise, or if you've never had enough accountability, where you finally learn how not to be, then you keep showing up in a way that is hurtful, harmful, dysfunctional, toxic, and cause others to suffer. And again, I may not be talking about you. People who listen to this show are usually on a personal development path of some sort or philosophically thinking about the world to improve themselves or others, or just want to show up as the best version of themselves. That's what I try to do every day, and I fail a lot. But I do try. I do try to show up as the best version of myself. And that is one of the purposes in life for me. That is a purpose to pursue, to show up as the best version of myself. So what does that look like? How do I show up better tomorrow than I did today? And again, I'm going to fail. You're going to fail? You're going to fail. Trying this over and over again, but it is a worthy pursuit. That, to me is a worthy pursuit. Hey, I failed at that yesterday. Let me try again today. Or I really screwed up yesterday. Let's not ever do that again. I never want to hurt that person like that ever again. I may fail and hurt them in other ways, but I'll make sure that I learn my lesson from this. And I don't mean I'm going to hurt them in other ways purposefully. It just might happen. I might accidentally hurt them or there might be some subconscious programming inside of me that causes me to do behavior that I don't realize is hurtful. And there are people that will say, how could you not realize it's hurtful? How could you not realize that what you're doing is hurtful? You should be able to realize it's hurtful because look at their reaction or look at my reaction. You should know that when I look like this or when I'm crying that you are hurting me. You know what they're going to say? They're going to say what I used to say, well, if you'd only listen to me, then you wouldn't feel like this. And in a relationship, if you say that to somebody you've hurt, you are doing something wrong, very harmful, you are being toxic. If you would only listen to me, you wouldn't feel this way. So if you or somebody you know has just been hurt by another person and that person said, well, if you only listen to me, then we'd both be happy. You wouldn't be crying right now. There's a manipulation in there. There is a subtle manipulation, or maybe it's not so subtle, but it is there. It is there because this says that the person who has hurt you is allowed to hurt you and is allowed to get away with it because you didn't listen to them. This is different with kids. If you tell a kid, don't put your hand on the hot stove, and then they proceed to put their hand on the hot stove, you might say, oh my God, are you alright? I told you to listen to me. If you would only listen to me. I mean, of course you're going to care for your child. But this is how they learn. They have to learn through experience. And again, children are different. But adults, we should have common sense. We should have gotten past this hand on the hot stove lesson, right? Don't do that, because it will hurt. But when we get older, we know what hurts. We would hope that we're treated as an equal by another equal adult. And so my point is that sometimes there are people out there that will hurt us and then put us down for feeling hurt or expressing hurt when they hurt us. And that's toxic. That is abusive, even. And so coming back to how I started this is there's something. Did I say this yet? There's something that I realized just a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah, I did say this. It is the idea or the concept of when we hold on to a negative thought or hatred or just bad feelings about someone, are we letting it influence our lives? And if we are, why are we allowing that to take up our precious brain matter? Why are we allowing that to happen? And can we somehow eradicate that, get rid of that? And that's why I thought about all this stuff many, many years ago. I was able to let go of my stepfather and have a sense of apathy toward him and then pity and then compassion. But I was only able to do that because I knew that he was suffering. And that was how I was able to gain some sort of sense of compassion. Not even for him as a person, but for him as, and this is a little strange, a human being. His presence as a life form on this earth, some people might even say a soul. And when I decided that, I was able to recognize his suffering, and his suffering was pretty obvious. He wasn't living the life. He wasn't enjoying himself and being happy. He was going downhill because he kept drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking. And so he went downhill. Physically ill. And I won't tell you all the symptoms, but it was pretty bad. And he's still here as of this recording, but maybe not for long. And so this is maybe a timely recording where his passing may come. I can't imagine what I'm going to feel. There's thoughts that I've had about his passing, about how I'd feel because I grew up with him for a good 20 years of my life. And so he was a giant part of my life. And then when I healed and moved on and grew into the adult world and had adult relationships and was able to look back objectively at how much harm he had done, not just to Me, I mean, I got the least of it, but the rest of my family got the most of it, or at least some of them. I got a lot of it. And so my feelings and thoughts about him changed. I mean, I learned some other stuff about him later on, but that really solidified a lot of things and really explained a lot of things. But coming to terms with that, from having certain thoughts and feelings before and then having certain thoughts and feelings later, and then of course holding on to hatred for so long and then letting that go, that took an act of a massive shift in my perception. You know, lately I've been feeling really good and I think today's sponsor Ashwa Mag is helping to balance the scales for me. Since starting it, I've noticed my recall and brain function have improved significantly as well as. I mean, it's supposed to be a natural mood and emotional health supplement, but it sure seems to be affecting me in many positive ways. I mean, I'll be having a conversation and surprise myself with the words coming out of my mouth. Words I probably wouldn't have been able to retrieve as easily as before. Formulated by nutritional psychologist, Ashwamag combines clinically tested organic Ashwagandha, magnesium, L theanine and vitamin B6 to support a healthy nervous system. It targets the root causes of feeling overwhelmed by helping you feel calm, relaxed and focused. In just 30 days, 84% of Ashwa Mag users reported better sleep and after three months, 90% saw an overall improved mood. It's nutrition. For a better mood, helping to lower cortisol levels naturally while boosting feel good neurotransmitters, Visit the website ashwamag.com that's a S-H W a M a G dot com and use the code Brain at checkout. For 20% off your first order plus free shipping. Try Oshawa Mag risk free with this exclusive listener offer. Terms apply. Sometimes that's what needs to happen. A massive shift in your perception. To look at someone's life, someone who has hurt you, someone who's made you suffer, someone who has caused you so much pain or just a little bit of pain or really did something awful to you. To look at them in a way where they must have some sort of bad stuff, bad juju, something inside of them that caused them to be that way or do that thing and then if they have that inside of them, they are suffering because they're not 100% happy. They are holding on to something because if they acted that way, they must have it in them. I'm not saying you should feel sorry for them. I'm not saying that you should give them a free pass. I'm not saying that they deserve your forgiveness. I don't even believe in forgiveness unless you want to. Forgiveness is about you and for giving yourself a break for however things turned out. Because we often blame ourselves. We often blame ourselves for how we showed up back then. And when we do that, we hold on to that too. So we have to what I like to say, forgive ourselves a break so we don't hold on to it. So we can move forward without that person occupying the precious space inside our brain. Because we don't want to walk around with them. We don't want to walk around with the toxic or abusive or neglectful or whoever person when we're not literally with them. We want to walk around without them. We want to be free of that toxic person or whoever it is. We want to be free of their presence in our minds. And if we can be free of their presence, what fills that void of their absence? What fills that void? What will fill that void? Imagine somebody you have negative feelings, negative thoughts toward. If you didn't have those thoughts and they weren't even on your mind, what would be in their place? What thoughts and feelings would you have instead? A lot of us are going to say, I have no idea. Some of us might say, oh, I know, exactly. I'd be happier. This is why I like to talk about this stuff. This is why I like to think about this stuff. Because we aren't as happy as we can be sometimes. And it can be because we are holding on to someone in a way that keeps them in our life. If we are holding on to someone because we have negative thoughts and feelings toward them, and they may be justified, you absolutely may be justified in holding on to those things. And I'm not saying that you should get rid of those. I'm saying if you are not as happy as you could be, if you find yourself thinking about this event or person a lot, to the point where it interferes with your life, then perhaps there's a way to rise above that. In a way. There's a way to perceive them differently. A shift in perspective that sees that no matter what they show the world on the outside, they have to be suffering on the inside, they have to be. Because their behavior doesn't come from a place of love and light. Their behavior doesn't come from a place of mentally and emotionally healthy thinking. Their behaviors, their words, their hurtful words, their damaging words do not Come from a healthy place. And because of that, I look at people who are like that as not necessarily unhealthy, maybe slightly damaged, but definitely suffering. And I don't do it for their benefit. I don't see them as suffering so that they will feel my compassion or pity or whatever it is. I really like that word pity. One of my siblings told me that's how they feel about someone in our family. I appreciate that, because buried under pity is compassion. There is some compassion there. And when we can access that compassion, when we can pull it out even through pity, it might allow us to rise higher than our current perspective. That perspective shift that I'm talking about, because I don't want you to look at somebody and say, oh, they're suffering too, therefore it makes sense that they hurt me. I'm not saying you have to justify their damaging behavior on you or toward you. I'm just saying holding on to the negativity can weigh you down and cause you not to be as happy as you could be. And if that's the case, this may be a way to rise above that or shift your perspective enough so that you can. It's almost like you can say, I feel good knowing they're suffering. It's a terrible way to put it. And don't quote me on that, don't repeat it. But I look at somebody knowing that they have hurt people I love, and it makes me feel good knowing that there was some sense of retribution, there was some sense of comeuppance, that they are finally paying that price. Or maybe they have been paying that price, paying for their atrocious behaviors by suffering. And sometimes we can't see it. Sometimes we look at someone and we think, but they're having the time of their lives. They're so happy. They have all this money. Believe me, if they've caused this harm, there's something going on inside of them that you don't want anything to do with. You already know that. But imagine having that yourself. Imagine you are carrying around what they're carrying around. And okay, let's say you have that wonderful, lavish lifestyle. They still have to deal with that inside of them. And the way people like that, the ones that are holding onto that and hurting others, the way they deal with that stuff, the way they deal with their own suffering, is to cause others to suffer. And that's not you. That's not who you want to be. I'm making a big guess here, making a big assumption, but I don't think that's you. And if it is you, maybe you're working on it. Maybe you're trying to become the best version of yourself and that's why you tune into shows like this. Maybe that's your goal. And if it is, that is a wonderful, meaningful, purposeful pursuit. I hope you got something from today's episode. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank the patron members who support this show financially. I am so grateful to each and every one of you. You make my day, you make my month. And it just warms my heart every time I see your financial support. Speaking of which, Crystal, Crystal donated again. I've seen your donation before, Crystal, and I am so grateful. Thank you for your words. You said, I wish I could donate more. In my opinion, you have a true gift of healing people. That's just so humbling. Thank you so much for those words. I remember you, Crystal. You gave me the idea of or no. You said you ask yourself, what would Paul do Before you run into a challenge. And that is an interesting thought. What would Paul do? I sometimes ask myself that. In fact, that is one of the questions I do ask myself, except I add the little extra on that. I say, what would I do if I had no fear of the consequences? And I love phrasing it that way because it always reveals my truth. But you said, what would Paul do? And I just sent you a little joke back saying, hey, that would make a good bracelet. And I was totally joking and I just remember that conversation. So thank you for the donation today. I appreciate you, Crystal, and thank you all the patrons and people who donate to this show. Very grateful for you all. If you find value in this show and you want to give back like the people who I've just mentioned, head over to MoreToB.com and there are options to do that over there. Thanks again. And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and abuse over@loveandabuse.com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship relationship and you want to change that about yourself, you want to not be the person that we talked about today. Join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over@HealedBeing.com and with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing, Sam Sa.