← The Overwhelmed Brain
The Overwhelmed Brain
Never put your faith in anyone who makes you feel unworthy
00:27:58
People who care about you should lift you up, not kick you when you're down. If someone keeps dragging you lower, trusting their words is like giving a vampire the keys to the blood bank.
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These are my personal opinions Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. Just in case you need to know this, you do not need to prove yourself to someone who betrayed you. You do not need to show them that you are a changed person when they have gone out and betrayed you in some way. A good example is a married couple husband goes out and cheats, comes back and says it's your fault that I cheated. I got a letter really close to that sentiment, almost the exact wording of that sentiment. Woman's husband went out and cheated and then came back and said, she didn't tell me this, but this is what it sounds like. She said in her letter that you're emotionally abusive. So I cheated. You know, it could be true that that person is emotionally abusive. Does that justify betrayal? Does that justify infidelity? There are actually differing opinions on this that I've heard. One opinion is if they're abusing me, if they're hurting me, then I have every right to go out and cheat on them. If they're being a jerk, I can go cheat. My personal opinion and professional opinion is that when you're in a relationship and you've signed a contract, a relationship contract, and all that means is you've committed to each other whether you're married or not. You are exclusive and you are committing to each other when you sign that proverbial or real relationship contract. In most relationships, betrayal is a violation of that contract. And so this is why some people have differing opinions. Because somebody might say, well, if there's emotional abuse or any type of abuse in the relationship, that's also a violation the relationship contract. Therefore, I get to go cheat. I get to go hang out with somebody else. The way I look at this is if you have signed a relationship contract, if you have committed to someone to be with them, to share your life with them, and they start mistreating you, which in my opinion is a violation of the relationship contract. If they start mistreating you, it's not necessarily something that you go out and reciprocate. I don't believe in tit for tat. I don't believe in getting back at someone when they did that to you, at least in a relationship sense. I might have some other thoughts outside a relationship context, but inside a relationship, I don't believe it's healthy at all to think that because they did this to me, I'm going to do this, which is just as much a violation, if not more, because you did this to me, I'm going to do that. Now, the way I just worded it, that would be actually healthier. It would be healthier to say, hey, you're being hurtful to me. And if you continue to be hurtful to me, I'm going to do this. That's a conversation that won't go well at all, especially if somebody's hurtful. And of course, don't say these kinds of things to somebody you know will hurt you. You don't want to be hurt. So you have to be careful and pick your battles wisely. But the point is, let's just say that somebody you care about is being hurtful, abusive, or just mean. And that is not what you signed up for. What do you do to make up for that or level the playing field? Do you do the same thing? Do you do something more severe? Do you do something less severe? Does it all equal out in the end? Do you think it's fair? Do you think it's fair that someone betrays you in some way and you get to betray them? Do you think that's a good way to go forward? I don't. I don't think it's a healthy, productive way to go forward, because what it will end up doing is disintegrating the relationship, if not slowly, then quickly. Because now you have a history. Both of you have a history of doing things against the other person, pretty much. And when you're doing something against the other person, it's very difficult for love to survive in that environment. So I come back to the possible healthy approach, which is noticing the violation, talking about the violation, talking about what they did, and then coming to a conclusion on what the best solution is. This. I know I'm simplifying things here, but let's just say somebody hurt you, somebody betrayed you, and you want to keep the relationship. A conversation might go like, hey, you did this, and I'm really upset. It really hurt me. What's going on? Why did you do that? Why would you do that to me? And are they apologetic? If they are apologetic, then maybe the conversation can continue if you want it to. If you want to salvage the relationship, maybe you can have a conversation with them regarding why they did something and maybe they regret it, maybe they don't. Maybe they feel remorse, maybe they don't. But it's good to find that out. And I'm not saying it changes things. Like if somebody betrays you, you might be the type of person that says, hey, you betrayed me. Once I'm done, I'm kind of that way. If my wife betrayed me, that would be a shock because I thought we were 100% open and honest with each other. And if it ever got to that point, we would have had a conversation long before that ever happened. The conversation might go something like, I don't feel the same way I used to feel about you. I want to share that with you because I'm starting to feel that way more and more. That's a difficult conversation to have. Yes, but I'd rather have that conversation than have it build up inside her, inside me, so that we go out and do something that violates the relationship contract. And then what? Then we come home and we're supposed to act like everything's fine? Or do we keep violating? Do we keep doing what we did before? Because that's not going to go anywhere. That's only going to go downhill and that'll only last so long. And so I like to approach problems in a relationship with a conversation before it builds up and becomes pent up negative energy, negative emotional energy inside you. I like to deal with those things before they become a bigger issue. It's very similar to the episode I just talked about not getting closure. If you don't have closure on something, it can build up. You can build this emotional energy inside of you and then it comes out in all sorts of destructive ways. And when that happens, the relationship suffers. Happiness suffers. This actually stems from that message I'm talking about. Somebody wrote to me in, said that her husband cheated on her and she feels like she needs to improve herself and become a better person. Because he says that she was emotionally abusive. And so she's trying to win his heart back and he is denying her. He doesn't want her back, or he says he doesn't want her back and his mom says not to go back to her. And he says that he needs some time to think things through. And she's spending her time trying to fix herself, trying to improve who she is for him, and she says for herself as well. She is hoping that he will give her a second chance. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, why should she give him a second chance? That was my question, too. And the person who wrote, if you're listening now, I'm not putting you down for this, I want to highlight a few things here at least. The first thing, which is you shouldn't be seeking a second chance with him. He should be seeking a second chance with you. Because you are lowering yourself, you are decreasing your own worth for someone who chose to betray you. And you want to prove to him that you are worth not betraying. And that's a very dangerous position to be in. Because what ends up happening is that you stay in this place of low worth thinking that you're not worthy of someone being loyal to you. And if you feel that you're not worthy enough for someone to be loyal to, what ends up happening is that you keep yourself in a lowered state, you lower your own worth, and you're worth so much more than that. You're worth being loyal to. You're worth someone committing to you and saying, these are my promises. This is the relationship contract that I'm getting into with you. We are exclusive, we are monogamous, and this is how I want us to be, and this is my promise to you that I will be this way. And then when they betray that, that's the person who has to come back to you and say, I really messed up. I'm so sorry. If that's what they feel and if they're being honest. But for you to go in that space of it must be me, I'm doing something wrong. I'm emotionally abusive. That's why they cheated, and that's justified, then that immediately lets the betrayer off the hook. It immediately says, no matter what you did, I will take the blame because I will find something about myself that's not worthy enough for someone to commit to and be loyal to. And when you lower yourself, when you put yourself in that Lowered worth state, I promise you that's how you will be treated. When you lower your worth, the value you have to others, when you lower that, that's how they treat you. Now, of course, there are exceptions. There are exceptions. When you lower your worth, somebody might feel sorry for you, somebody might feel bad for you, somebody might care about you so much that they lift you. When you have somebody that lifts you. When you lower your own worth, that's someone worth keeping around. But when someone sees you as not worthy enough to be loyal to you, commit to you, when they've said, this is what I want, this is who I want, they have committed to you, they have signed that contract and they want to be with you and they want to stay with you and they want to share a life with you. When they betray that, that is their choice to be the betrayer, be the infidel. And when they take that route, you can't blame yourself for someone else's behavior, even if you were a jerk, because it's still their choice. He made that choice to betray you, to cheat on you. He made the conscious choice to be with somebody else. He made that choice no matter how you treated him. Because he also had a choice to say, hey, if you don't stop hurting me, let's just say this was the truth, that you were emotionally abusive like you say in your letter, I was hurtful. I was emotionally abusive. I'm working on that in myself. Let's just say that's all true. He still had the choice to say, you need to stop doing this to me or I'm going to leave the relationship. You need to stop hurting me. You need to stop treating me this way because I won't be able to stick around. I know what people are thinking. Sometimes it's dangerous to say that to dangerous people. But I read your letter and you sound like somebody who will do almost anything to show other people that you're a good person. You will do anything to show that you are a good person. Because here you are wanting a second chance from somebody who cheated on you. That tells me the kind of person you are. That's a very kind, caring, compassionate, conscientious person. Might be being taken advantage of by someone who wants to keep you at a lowered state so that they can keep control over you. Because what ends up happening when you're with somebody who wants you in that lowered state, who doesn't want to want to lift you up and make you feel powerful, if you're with somebody who doesn't make you feel powerful or at least have a sense of self worth, something that lifts you inside. If you're with somebody who doesn't do that and in fact does the opposite, then you're with somebody who wants to keep you in the place you're in, usually for control, usually for control and power over you. If they have power over you, then they can get away with stuff like this. And I know that the person who wrote I thank you so much for sharing that because it sounds like you just want to show up as the best version of yourself, which is something I encourage, something I promote on this show all the time, something that we should all aspire to do, just become the best version of ourselves. And if we can't, we keep trying and we keep working toward that. Keep progressing, but don't lower yourself in the process. And what I mean by that is be very aware of someone who betrays your trust. Be very aware of that person's perception of you because they are coming from a place of betrayal, coming from a place place of control and superiority. They want you to be in that space so that they can do anything they want. And you'll always try to make them happy. Try to do what they want you to do all the time. And as an adult, you do not have to try to impress people. You do not have to try to get them to like you. You don't have to seek second chances from people who betray you, because that's on them, not on you, even if you were a jerk. Now somebody's going to write to me and say, but I was horribly abused, I was hurt, I was beaten. I mean, there are terrible stories out there. And if that's the case, I've actually had somebody write to me and say I was with a narcissist and they had power over me for years, and so I had to cheat to meet my needs. That is a unique circumstance where the person felt stuck and felt alone, felt emotionally disconnected from everyone, and just wanted an emotional connection and a physical connection. And my take on that is that they're are circumstances that may turn out like that because either the person is going to stay in an abusive situation, they can't leave and be completely, completely alone, or they violate the relationship contract and be with somebody else because that is where they feel loved and safe. There are different ways to look at that. I'm a proponent of actually leaving the relationship first before you have any kind of connection with somebody else outside the relationship that you're in. Person who wrote to me before and Said they were in a narcissistic, abusive relationship, they were in a situation that they couldn't change, and they said they, they felt justified in doing what they did. I can't disagree. I'm not that person. I wasn't the person who was abused for years and felt alone and just wanted to feel loved. Because I'm sure that's exactly what that person felt. Wanted to feel loved, wanted to feel safe, wanted to feel like they were worthy to someone else. And I'm sure that person also realized that the relationship contract was violated years ago. Her husband or whoever, her partner violated that contract years ago with some awful, awful behavior. And if she felt stuck, she may have had to take that route just to feel lifted. That's what I was saying, lifted up, feeling good about herself. But in many other circumstances, most other circumstances where you're in a relationship and somebody else is, you believe violated the relationship contract, I don't believe it's a good idea for you to then violate that contract. I believe it's a better idea to A, have a conversation on it and B, if it doesn't go anywhere to leave the relationship. And it's so simplified. I know I can't just say, oh, it's easy just to pack up and leave. So many obligations, sometimes so many ties, kids and shared finances, or somebody's reliant on the finances, shared businesses. There's a lot at stake, there's a lot of tie ins, attachments, and when you have that, it's a lot more difficult. That's why I say, you know, I can't say 100% of the time that staying and violating is a good idea, but if you can't get out any other way, do I endorse that? Do I promote it? No. Is it something that if you feel so down on yourself and so low and you've tried everything and they violated the contract or they broke the boundaries of the relationship, however you want to look at it, is it fair for you to do the same thing? That's a personal moral choice. That's a personal choice that you will need to come to your own thoughts on that, come to your own conclusion and weigh your options. But I will say almost every time when one person violates the relationship boundaries or contract, however you want to look at it, and the other person decides to do the same thing, and there's no conversation about it beforehand, that the relationship won't last. It just can't. It can't last. And for those that have, there's probably some deep, dark secret in that relationship that keeps both of them from being as satisfied or happy as they can. And again, there are probably exceptions. Somebody might write to me and say, hey, we have this thing that happened in our relationship and we're doing just fine. But I guarantee they talked about it, I guarantee they agreed that, hey, you did this and I did that. We need to start over. We need to start fresh. Let's just be honest with each other. Let's do this right this time. So this person who wrote and said that her husband cheated, she said that I want another chance to show him that I have changed and I will continue to change. She wants to know if the relationship can be saved. My answer to that is yes and yes, the relationship can be saved. And I don't want you to save it if you keep yourself in a low worth state. And what I mean by that, just to finalize my thoughts on that, if you believe that you were so awful to him that it forced him to go cheat, which is a cop out because that's not how it works, he made that choice to go cheat, okay? That's his choice. That's his responsibility. He needs to be accountable for that. Don't take responsibility for that. But let's just say that you were so awful that it forced him to go out and cheat on you. If you both decide to restart the relationship or try again, you can't be in a state of low self worth. You can't be in a place of knowing that you deserve to be mistreated or cheated on ever again. You can't be in that place because if you don't rise up in your own worth and your own sense of self, knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and you deserve honesty and integrity. I've made this speech many times on the Overwhelmed Brain and my other podcast, Love and Abuse. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and honesty and to be with somebody with integrity and know that you are worthy of being treated as an equal or more. And that means when you are down, they want to lift you up. They don't want to keep you down. When you feel bad about yourself, they want you to feel good about yourself. When you think you're no good, they want you to feel great. And when both people have done something, or at least you believe you did something wrong and we know he did something wrong, when both of you are in that same space, then both of you should be trying for a second chance. If he's not trying to get you back. If he's not trying for second chance with you and he just expects you to become a better person so he can come back, then I find that to be a very volatile situation that will probably make you unhappy again and it could happen again, let alone. I didn't even talk about his mom and how she's making decisions for him and he's listening to her. When people have family that talks them out of being with you and they're not fighting for you, they're fighting against you with their family, then you already know where you stand. You stand under their family. You stand in a lower place than their own family, which some people do that. Some people put their family at the top and the loved ones that they spend all their lives with, if they put them at a lower tier than their own family, that's where you'll stay and that's how you'll feel. And if somebody in their family doesn't like you, then the person that you're with will have every reason not to like you. And if you're with somebody like that who can't stand up for you and even defend you against their own family because they are choosing to be with you, then you may not be with the right person. I'm just going to put that out there. If your significant other or somebody that you want to be with is not willing to stand up for you against their own family, that's probably probably not the person for you. I'm not saying they're a bad person. I'm just saying they have their priorities and if that is their priority, then they can find someone else. Because where do you stand in their life? You should be number one. You should be at the top. That's my thoughts. That's my opinion. I hope this helps the person who wrote and I wish you the best. And thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank the patrons that give to this show every month. I am so grateful for you. Thank you so much for your support. If you value this show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to MoreToB.com and there are options to do that over there. I also want to tell you about my other show called Love and Abuse. I've been doing that since 2019. It's been on a while now. Six years as of this recording. Wow. Yeah. February. Yeah. And I talk about emotionally abusive relationships and control and manipulation and how to identify all that stuff. So if you are always confused or always feel bad in your relationship, head over to loveandabuse.com and there are many episodes that will help you out. And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over@HealedBeing.com that's where I help people who are doing emotionally abusive behavior change and heal and hopefully become better for society. And I say that because that's where I used to be. I needed to become better for society and so I learned a lot on the way. That's why I created Healed Being. That's over@HealedBeing.com and with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure and above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. Without a doubt, you are amazing.
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Hey, this is Dan Harris, host of the 10% Happier podcast. I'm here to tell you about a new series we're running this September on 10% happier. The goal is to help you do your life better. The series is called Reset. It's all about hitting the reset button in many of the most crucial areas of your life. Each week we'll tackle a topic like how to reset your nervous system. How to reset your relationships. How to reset your career. We're going to bring on top notch scientists and world class meditation teachers to give you deep insights and actionable advice. In all delivered with our trademark blend of skepticism, humor, credibility and practicality, 10% happier is self help for smart people. Come join the party.