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Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships. These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. Welcome back to another show. If you're new, then welcome for the first time. I just had to cover that because I said welcome back. And maybe that doesn't affect everyone. I have a great topic today. At least it's. I think it's great. Somebody wrote to me and said, would you please consider making an episode on intention versus Impact? And they go on to say, what I mean is the tension we sometimes feel in relationships. For example, I had a friend shout at me during a concert. Afterwards, she said or she asked me to understand that she hadn't intended to hurt me, and I believed her. I don't think she wanted to upset me, but what I struggled with was that the conversation seemed to revolve almost entirely around her intent. It felt like my actual experience of being shouted at and how it affected me became secondary. It made me wonder, when someone says, I didn't mean to hurt you, is that enough? How do you acknowledge someone's good intentions without unintentionally minimizing the hurt they caused? Let me read that again so I understand it. How do you acknowledge someone's good intentions without unintentionally minimizing the hurt they cause? Okay, we'll revisit that in a moment. I'd love to hear both sides explored. Sometimes people don't really intend harm and deserve grace at the same time. The person who was hurt still has a real emotional experience that doesn't disappear just because the harm was unintentional. How do you balance those two truths? And this is actually a repeating pattern in my friendship with this person. Me being really hurt over something they did and then telling me that they didn't mean it, but I'm still left hurting. When does explaining your intent become accountability? And when does it become a way of avoiding the impact your actions had? Conversely, how can the hurt person recognize good intentions without dismissing their own feelings? I think this is a dynamic many people experience in relationships, and I'd love to hear your perspective on how to navigate it in a way that leaves both people feeling understood. Good luck with that one. It's gonna be a challenge because of this particular topic and that was it. So thank you for writing that and thank you for opening up a can of worms for me. There's a simple way to look at this, and there's a more complex way to look at It. I wrote myself a bunch of notes, and I also tried it on. There were times in my life where, of course, I did not intend to hurt someone. The first thing that came to mind actually is sort of related, but not. I was driving along a country road. I was on a business trip somewhere just by myself, and the speed limit was 55. So I set the cruise control of 55, and I just relaxed. Cop car pulls up behind me, pulls me over and says I was going 10 miles over the speed limit. I said, I don't understand. The speed limit said 55. And I even had the cruise control on. My intention was to keep driving within the confines of the law. That was my intention. So why couldn't I necessarily get out of this ticket that he was writing me? And I couldn't. He said, nope, it changed to 45. So you were going 10 miles over. And I said, you know, I was doing the speed limit and I had the cruise control on. It certainly wasn't what I was trying to do. I wasn't trying to speed. He said, it didn't matter. You were speeding. It changed. I can't recall ever seeing a sign, but maybe there was one. Maybe I looked away for half a second and then the sign appeared behind a bush. I don't know. But I got that ticket. He didn't give me any leeway, any. Any break at all. So I took the ticket, had to pay for it, and went on my way. Now I was breaking the rules. I was violating the law according to the officer and according to the system in place, the system of law. So I liken it to this example only to the extent where I violated something that existed, even though it wasn't my intention to do so. I did not intend to violate the law. My every intention was honorable, was to stay within the confines of the law, to follow the law. Yet I still did it. So do I apologize? I don't feel like I had to apologize at the same time. Who would I apologize to? I can't really apologize to the system. I just have to take accountability for what I did, which I did so reluctantly, but I did. But I'm not apologizing because I feel like I didn't do anything wrong. So there's this side of. Or this kind of this side of the argument about what we're talking about today. And then I look at it. There's no human element in this system. There are multiple humans that have created a system of laws that we have to follow, but there's no one human that's going to be offended if I break the law. They just tell you if you break the law, you're going to have to pay a fine or get a warning or go to court or whatever, or go to jail if you break the law. This system's in place. That's how it works. But what about human to human? Let's just say that. Let me think of an example. I am driving along someone's driveway, they may have a really long driveway, and I accidentally run into a swing set on the side of the road that I didn't notice. For whatever reason, I crush it. I crush the swing set. And their child is like 20ft away. And, like, wasn't hurt, but saw it happen. And the parent was right there too. You know, the person who owns the property. And the parents like, what the hell are you doing? And they run over, grab their kid and everyone's safe. But it turns out that I ran over the swing set, so now it's my fault. And of course, in this example, I'm going to say, I'm so sorry. Oh, my. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are they all right? Is your child all right? And if they say, of course I'm going to say I'll pay for the swings. And I'm so sorry. This is not, you know, this is not how I normally drive. And I definitely, I must not have been paying attention. So in this instance, I'm apologizing because I know I did wrong. But what if, what if. Let's just say that a tree fell on the right side of the road. I swung and missed the tree and smashed into that swing set. Same scenario, the child's 20ft away, the parents watching, and the tree didn't hit my truck, so I avoided that. But I did hit the swing set where there were children playing. And it was a split second decision. I wasn't even thinking that there might be children over there. I didn't see anyone. I just hit the swing set. So now it's crushed. Do I apologize? Do I say I'm so sorry that tree fell and I can't believe I almost hit. I almost hit that child. I'm so sorry. Do I say that? Or do I say, hey, you know, this isn't my fault the tree fell. You know, you're responsible for your property and if the tree falls, that is something that you're responsible for. It wasn't my intention to hit the swing set, so you can't really blame me for this. In fact, you should be happy that the tree didn't fall on my truck because I would probably be upset that the tree hit my truck. So avoiding that, avoiding the tree, I'm actually doing you a favor. It's a silly but probably true example in some cases, but there's a perfect example, right? The child was in danger, the parent freaking out for good reason, grabbing their child, hoping to keep their child safe. And here I am smashing their playset. Like a child could have been on that playset. But I have an excuse. I smashed into it. It's a legitimate excuse. I smashed into it because I was avoiding a tree. Somebody might say, well, that's not legitimate, because if there's a swing set over there, you shouldn't you just let the tree hit your truck? Because you never know who you're going to hit. Of course, I understand that, but we're just using this as an example. So now I'm in this dilemma. You know, I'm talking about this as a dilemma where the parent says, you need to apologize. Or maybe they don't say that, but they expect it. They expect me to say, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? Now, why would I apologize? I would apologize because I think this is key, and it's key part of what this person is talking about. Because I care about the other person's feelings. I care. I have empathy. Because if I were that parent or even that child who was full of fear in that moment, both of them full of fear, my empathetic response would be, wow, I am so afraid. If I was that child, I would be so afraid. If I was that parent, I would be so afraid. And I'm sorry for being part of the cause of that fear. I'm sorry for being responsible for that fear. I'm not saying I'm at fault, even though in that case I would be. But just using this again as an example, I'm not saying that it is my fault that this happened. There were a series of events that caused this, and I. I didn't see the swing set and I smashed into it. But I am taking responsibility. First of all, I'm so sorry. By saying I'm sorry, I'm taking responsibility. And I'm also taking responsibility for the human part of this, which is feeling bad for what happened. And I could say feeling bad for what I did. And I should say that because I did it. I was the person who created the scenario, even though the scenario happened to me. So, yes, there are circumstances that occur that happen to us or something that we don't intend or out of our control. And our actions create a domino effect to affect another person. And when it affects that other person, we are part of the formula that affected the other person. So I began talking about like the speed limit thing. I violated a system. In this case, I sort of, it's the wrong word, but violated a person. And because I was involved in that violation, even though I had zero intention to hurt the other person, the child or the parent, I had no intention whatsoever. I am still responsible for the actions that I took. And my actions caused their fear, their pain, their concern, their suffering. And because of that, and because I'm an empathetic, compassionate person, I'm going to apologize because I feel bad that I was part of the result of what occurred. The result included the parent and the child in suffering or fear or pain of some sort. And because I care about them and I don't want other people to hurt, and I am part of the combination of ingredients that ended up with them being hurt or in pain or fear or suffering, then I'm going to say, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I should have done this instead because I'm taking responsibility for my personal actions, my actions that violated, again, not the best word, hurt another person. Because I don't want to hurt other people. And I also care. I care enough for them to understand that if I were them, I would feel the same way they felt. I would be in fear, I would be suffering in some way. I'd be going crazy in my mind thinking that my child could have been on that swing set. And that's how I view intention versus impact is that we can have the best of intentions or even no intention at all of hurting someone else and still hurt them. And when we do, what is our response? Is our response going to contain a human element of kindness and care and compassion, or is it going to be self focused, maybe a little self absorbed? I'm not putting anyone down because there are times when we do things that had no intention of hurting someone else and someone else got hurt anyway. And maybe it was their own stupidity, because that's what we think. Like, oh, you idiot, why did you do that? That can happen too. But when there is a clear cause and effect, this person, this person who wrote their friend yelled at them, that's the cause. And the effect of that was the hurt that this person who wrote feels or felt. And because that cause and effect exists, friend will often apologize for what they did, especially because it's direct. If it was Indirect. It would be different. Like if the friend was in the other room yelling, and the person who wrote was in another room, and the person who wrote says, I'm so, you know, upset that my friend was yelling in the other room, that it really affected me the rest of the day, then I might say, well, look, that was kind of their own personal space. And if you heard it and you were triggered by it, is it your friend's fault that you heard that and they weren't directing it at you? I might say that's a little unreasonable. Unless there's been a history where they go into another room and scream at their top of their lungs about you and it hurts. There might be something like that in history, but if they're just yelling or they even said your name and you weren't supposed to hear it, I could look at that differently. But when you are the target of someone's behavior, of someone's actions, and you are hurt by their actions, I believe that a kind, caring, compassionate, minimally sympathetic, at most empathetic person is going to apologize, hey, you know, I didn't intend to hurt you with my words, but the fact that I did, I feel bad about, and I'm sorry about that. Something simple like that sounds reasonable to me. Sounds reasonable. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I remember back in my early 30s, I finally made the decision to visit a therapist to talk about my depression. Looking back, I realized I believed therapy was a good idea. I just didn't think I needed it enough to actually go. And honestly, that hesitation is more common than you might think. BetterHelp's 2026 State of Stigma report surveyed 2,000Americans with and revealed that 85% of Americans believe that getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. The gap is real. Most of us know that therapy helps, but something still holds us back. Maybe we can start closing that gap by normalizing it in our own circles. When someone you care about is struggling, let them know therapy isn't just okay, one of the wisest things they can do for themselves. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally with over 30,000 licensed therapists and an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars based on over 1.7 million client reviews. They'll match you with a therapist based on your needs, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com brain that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com brain. Now I have a perspective and maybe it's a popular one, maybe it's not a popular one. But my perspective is something I learned about 30 years ago in my training. I took communications classes, Neuro linguistic programming. And there was one thing that I many things I learned. But there was one statement or one what they call presupposition which is something that you presuppose about people and relationships and communication. And that is the presupposition of the meaning of communication is the response that you get. I adopted that. I burned it into my brain. And what that means is that how people interpret what you say or do typically say, but how people interpret you is the communication that you conveyed. That is the meaning what you conveyed. Even if you said I love you, you are beautiful to a person. And the person said, you're just saying that because you want something from me. No, I really do love you. I mean, I'm telling you I love you. I really care about you. Stop saying that because you don't mean it. So my intention is to say, I really love this person. I really, I'm telling you I love you. And this is what I mean. I'm telling you the truth. And if they say, well, I don't believe you. What I said is defined by what they heard and interpreted. This is a presupposition of language that if you adopt it, you will get a thousand percent better in your communication skills. This is just my opinion, but I have adopted this and it has worked for me every time. It's taking responsibility for how you communicate to other people. So if you say, please take the garbage out and an hour later the garbage is still not taken out and you go up to whoever and say, look, I told you to take the garbage out. Why didn't you take the garbage out? And then they look at you funny and you say what do you mean I'm going to. I'm going to take the garbage out. Then you say, I wanted you to take the garbage out earlier. Why didn't you do it? And then they were looking at you funny again. Do you take responsibility for the fact that you didn't say when you might say, but I intended. I meant that they should take the garbage out now. Otherwise I wouldn't have said it right then and there. I saw it was full. I said, go take the garbage out. And they didn't so it's not my fault that they didn't take take the garbage out. It's their fault because they didn't get up and take it out. But if you do, if you take responsibility for what, in the way you communicated, your life changes because now you can find the most effective way to convey a message where it's not misunderstood. And this is really helpful for me when, you know, during this show and when I do podcast one on one coaching and things like that, where if I take responsibility for my message and don't rely on someone else to interpret my message clearly and appropriately, then what I get to do is relay it in a way that makes more sense and there's less misunderstanding. And this is very helpful because it makes you a more flexible communicator and you don't walk around thinking everyone's an idiot in the sense that, hey, I said take the garbage out. And if they really didn't understand that you meant now, which I've been guilty of, what ends up happening is that you create a more cohesive relationship with a person because now you learn how to talk with them without any misinterpretation. It's not a mystery to anyone. Like, my wife is notorious for this. She will say something and I will look at her funny and she'll say, what don't you understand? And I'll say just about everything you said. Can you say it in a different way? And she'll repeat what she said, maybe a little louder, and I will still not understand. Okay, let's break this down because I don't understand. And we'll have conversations like this. Fortunately, we've broken through all these barriers and limitations of our communication because we do very much communicate differently. I'll say something and she will misinterpret. And she'll say something and I'll misinterpret. And I have told her I'm responsible for my communication and you are responsible for your communication. And she will say, no, I'm only 50% responsible and you are 50% responsible. And I'll say, I don't have that philosophy. My philosophy is, if you don't understand what I said the first time, that's my fault, or my responsibility to reconvey it, to convey in a different way so that you do understand it. And so I will. That's what I'll do. And that's why I believe I have more patience than her. Someday she'll hear this and we'll have a conversation on it. But that is the approach I take is that if she doesn't understand what I'm saying, I'll say it again in a different way, but not. I won't have any emotion behind it. Doesn't bother me. It bothers her sometimes to have to repeat herself to me and then look at me and say, why don't you get it? And then she'll ask me questions like, why don't other people get this? I don't understand. It's so simple. It's a simple concept. Why doesn't that person get it? And I'll say, because the way we communicate is different than other people. And she'll say, don't mansplain me. And then we'll have a conversation about that again. Doesn't happen often, but that's a great example, is that my wife and I will have these very infrequent conversations and she will say something that I misinterpret or don't understand. And I just need it spoken to me in a way that makes sense to me. Third grade level stuff. So if you can break it down for me, that would be great. And that's what happens. We finally get our point across. So coming back to this person, this is what I believe is if we take responsibility for the meaning that other people get from our communication, then we end up being more empathetic to where they are. And I believe empathy is required, at least sympathy. But empathy is even better, is required when somebody else is hurt or suffers from something that we say or do that we didn't intend to do in a way that hurt them. If that makes sense. Apologizing for hurting somebody even though it wasn't your intention to hurt them. I mean, when I say it out loud, it's kind of silly, like it was my intention to hurt you. I mean, who says that? I mean, it does happen. Some people say, yeah, it was my intention to hurt you, but in most cases, most people's intentions not to hurt another person. And it happens anyway. Most people will apologize. I thought of another example, like you're pushing a cart down the aisle of a supermarket and somebody else is pushing their cart towards yours, but you don't see them because they're outside the aisle, they're coming across the aisles, and you're going up an aisle and then suddenly you meet at a corner, like the end of the aisle that you're in and smash into each other. You were going your way, they were going their way, and it was no one's fault, but both people's fault because they both took the corner tight and they didn't really look where they were going and they didn't look ahead. And sometimes it's hard to look ahead and you can't see what's happening. So anyway, it's just something that happens when this happens to me. I say, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. And they might say the same thing. Most of the time, most people will do that. Oh, so sorry, so sorry. And then you move on and it's all good. It was an accident and nobody's really doing anything intentionally. But what if you hit that person's cart? And they said, hey, you know, what's going on? Why are you coming out of the aisle so fast? And you say, no, no, no, it wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to come out the aisle. I'm sorry. And they say, well, you. You were coming out really fast. You could get into that conversation and say, well, you came from the side and didn't look around the corner before you ran into me. Where do you think that conversation is going to go? Not going to go anywhere. Because one person might be apologetic and the other person's not. The point I'm trying to make with this little thing is, who are you going to like more? Yes, I'm going in this direction. And this is kind of how I feel about people who don't apologize even when they don't intend to harm. This doesn't mean everyone. This doesn't mean every situation. But this person wrote and said, this has been a pattern with this person. And it's hard to like people who refuse to try on sympathy or empathy and put themselves in the shoes of the person they unintentionally hurt. It's hard to like them. They are not very likable. They are the kind of people. And again, there are exceptions. It's hard to like people who don't apologize, who refuse to see that their actions or their words caused harm, and refused to try on sympathy or empathy to understand the other person's plight and how it could have been interpreted because they're not taking responsibility for their communication. This is why I appreciate the philosophy. The perspective of the meaning of communication is the response that you get. And so if this person yelled at the person who wrote to me, and the person who wrote to me felt hurt by it, and it happens often, then their friend, I have to say, is probably not very likable. I'm not saying they're a bad person. I'm just saying that here's someone writing to me and wants to probably get along with their friend, but it's hard to do that because the friend never apologizes for their actions. And if they never apologize and there's a pattern of that, it makes that person unlikable. That's my take on all of this. And if someone's unlikable, you kind of have to make a decision if you want to keep them in your life. And I'm not saying, hey, you should leave this person or whatever. You might just have to accept, and this is one of my other philosophies, accept them exactly as they are, meaning they will never apologize for any emotional trigger that you have from their words or actions. And can you be okay with that? Because if they're great in every other way and you can be okay with that, then I don't have a problem with you being friends with them. You can just say, well, that's them. That's who they are. They're not going to apologize for what they just did to me. So I'm going to accept that's who they are. And I can choose to still hang out with them or not, but I've accepted them as they are, so it'll be fine going forward. But you may not feel that way. You don't like that they do these things that hurt you and they never seem to take responsibility. And I see this a lot, is that people who don't take responsibility for their behaviors are usually not apologetic. Ever, in this case, I don't even know. You didn't say that your friend took responsibility. You just said that your friend didn't intend to hurt you. I think you said, here it is. I don't think she wanted to upset me. So you don't even know if she wanted to upset you or not? Because she said, I didn't intend to hurt you. But what I struggled with was the conversation seemed to revolve almost entirely around her intent. So your friend was talking about what she meant and not connecting with you at a sympathetic or empathetic level. Basically emotional. She's not connecting emotionally with you. And so if somebody doesn't connect emotionally with you, sure, there may be something going on inside of them. They may have some sort of dysfunctional belief system, or they felt neglect as a child. And connecting with their emotions is hard. Or a number of things. Could be a number of things. But are they good people in general? They could be. It could be great people in general, but they're the type of person who doesn't like to take responsibility, because taking responsibility means they feel unworthy or unlovable or again, could be dysfunction that they're dealing with. That has nothing to do with you. And it's just who they are. Which is why I say sometimes you can just look at someone and say, that's who they are. I accept who they are, and that's who they'll always be. And I can either be okay with it and continue the relationship or not. This is my perspective on all of this. I hope this has helped you come up with some thoughts on your own on what you want to do about this. I personally, if I had people like this in my life, it would motivate me to kind of move away from them. I'm not saying you should do that because I don't know any of your story, just this one little part. But I prefer people who are emotionally connected and in sync with me at an emotional level. Doesn't mean they have to be exactly where I am. It just means if I'm hurting, it would be great for them to feel emotionally connected to me enough to say, I'm so sorry. What's going on? Not that they're taking responsibility for my pain, but maybe they would. That would make me feel better, make me not feel so alone in a relationship where I feel emotionally connected to them, but they don't feel the same way about me. So there could be other factors that you haven't shared with me, and that's. That's okay. So this is definitely a personal decision. I just prefer to have people that might be more emotionally grounded and aware that their actions and their words affect others and take responsibility for their actions and words instead of expecting everyone else to assume that they didn't intend harm. Doesn't mean that they didn't intend harm. It just means that the people in my life, I believe, should have enough ownership of their behaviors, of their words, that when those behaviors and words do affect somebody in a negative way, they feel bad about it. And they feel so bad that they apologize for how they came across and how it affected you. I'm so sorry. That hurt. I didn't mean to do that. That's a lot different than I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry is a lot different than I didn't intend that. It is the human emotional connection that, in my opinion, is more valuable as a friendship, as in a family or in a romantic relationship or whatever it is. That human emotional connection, when you are the target of somebody else's words or actions that weren't intentionally harmful but harmed you anyway. You would hope that person would feel bad for what they did or said, even if they didn't intend it. And that's why I prefer friendships and relationships that go in that direction. They just feel better. And those people are more likable. And I don't want to have to constantly think that they're going to do something else and hurt me again or I'm going to be triggered by them. And yes, I'll take responsibility for my own emotional triggers, but it would be great if they said I'm sorry every now and then because they are a way that really affects me. And again, this might be another case of, well, you know, I have to accept them as they are. They're not like that. And I can choose to stay with them and be okay with it or not. I can leave. I can stay away from them and just kind of limit my interactions with them. So there are my thoughts, there are my opinions, and I hope this helps you. The person who wrote and thanks for such a great subject today. I appreciate you. And thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank the patrons of the week, Anna, Sandra, Tammy and Deborah. I am so grateful for your generosity. Thank you for giving me every month. And I am just so grateful. When I see your names, it warms my heart. They give because they find value in the show and they want to show their support in a financial way. And that is an option. If you want to give back because you find value in the show, you can head over to moretlb.com and there are options to do that over there. Thank you again, patrons, and for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship. And I'm talking about ones where you can't figure out what's going on. Maybe you're a little confused, maybe you feel responsible for all the problems, but you think something else is going on. Head over to my other podcast, Love and abuse, over@loveandabuse.com and you will learn a lot about controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviors. Now, if you know that you're the difficult one in the relationship, well, that's a different story. I can help you become the best partner. I can help you even possibly save your relationship. If that's in the cards. I'm going to give you the best chance there is to save a relationship on the brink. And, you know, if there's still love in their heart, there's still a chance. That's how I see things. You can head over to healedbeing.com and learn more about it over there. You can sign up for the free lessons and get started right away. And with that, I want to remind you to always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions. And I want you to be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing.