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Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships. These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. Well, this will be another interesting week for recording this show because I am still in New Hampshire. For those of you following along along with all the stuff that I'm going through up here, trying to help my sister after the death of her husband go through all their stuff and get things sold and get things moved out so she can move and start something new with her life, which I think is just phenomenal. So if you have been listening the last week or two, last week I talked about having to record this podcast in my vehicle and it's not the best sound quality, but you know, after 13 years, it's gonna happen. Every now and then something like this will happen and I don't have all my equipment with me and life goes on in this case. And for my sister, life has to go on. It has to go on because what do you do? You just have to move forward. I wholeheartedly believe in some sort of forward momentum. That doesn't mean she shouldn't take time to grieve and feel all the feelings that she has and have all the thoughts that she has and to do that as long as she needs to do it. But it doesn't mean it has to be permanent. And anyone going through any type of loss or pain, it doesn't have to be permanent. And I honestly believe that those who care about us want us to move on. And those who have moved on without us, whether they cared about us or not, they are moving on in some other way themselves. So, you know, we deserve to move on. We are allowed to move on. We are allowed to remember that we are worthy of what we want in our lives and what we move toward in our lives. And I'm talking about a few different things right now, probably not the topic of this episode, but I'm talking about how sometimes people leave us like we're in a relationship and it sucks and it's painful. I've been through it many times myself. And when it happens, we go through the grieving, the period of grieving, of the end of the relationship. I like to think of the end of the relationship as the death of a relationship. Sort of morbid. But it does help with the grieving process because for me, it's always been about allowing the relationship to end. And what I mean by that is sometimes people leave, they go their own way or they do Something terrible, and you leave them or whatever, and the relationship ends. And what do you do with that? I have been in relationships where I have obsessed about my ex. I hated calling them my ex. And I became obsessive to the point where I couldn't move forward because all I could think about was, how do I get them back? What do I need to do to get them back? And then I would hope and wish and pray that they would come back. Maybe they'll change their mind, Maybe they'll feel differently, maybe they'll think differently and they'll come back and it never happened. And I. I've been through enough to realize that when somebody wants to move on, they move on. They want to move on, they want to move forward without me. And so I have chosen to consider the end of many of my relationships in my life as the death of the relationship. Because with death, you have to accept the end. You have to get to that point where, you know, there's no turning back, there's no going back. And because of that, you have to accept that. And, well, what I mean is, if you accept that, you are compelled to move forward because you won't obsess about getting them back if you know they're not ever coming back, it's hard. It's definitely not easy. It's a huge challenge for some relationships, for some of the people that have come in our lives and left, and we have to figure out how to move forward. And that's how I do it, I think. Well, you know, like my previous marriage, that was the death of that relationship. I mean, this may not work for you. It has worked for me to start healing faster. I did talk about some of this, I think, last week. But it has worked for me to start healing in a more expedient way, because knowing they're gone and knowing they're not coming back causes the brain to say, I have no choice but to do something else. And, you know, that's when there's real death. But the death of the relationship also pushes you in that direction. It keeps you out of obsession mode. If you are willing to say the relationship is dead, I have no choice but to move forward. So I'm not going to spend a lot of time on that. But I did want to mention that because that's what came to mind with my sister going through this. The death of her husband, very painful. A lot of people have been supporting her. It's amazing what happens when. Or at least I've seen a lot of amazing things that have Happened with my sister when she started going through trying to get everything ordered and organized, and all the people that you never knew come out of the woodwork and support you. It's amazing what happens when somebody dies in your life in most cases. This is what I've seen a lot, is that you don't even realize how many people care about you and want you to be happy. At least someday they know you're grieving, but they come out of the woodwork. She had a neighbor come up to her that she hasn't ever talked to. And her association in her neighborhood, which she's not going to be a part of anymore because she hates associations. I don't know why I threw that in, but there are issues with that that I agree with. But somebody came in. Let me back up. She said that her association got together and donated her association fees for her for the year. That's phenomenal. She didn't expect that. She didn't ask for it. So they came together. And that surprised her and then some. I guess the association just must have sent a letter out to everyone in the association, in the neighborhood, whatever. And somebody responded. Just yesterday or the day before. I forget. They shut. It was yesterday. They came with their trailer and picked up some. Some of the stuff that she had to throw away that she really thought she was going to have to pay for. Like these couches and these couches. He just put the couches on the trailer and took them for her. That's just so heartwarming to see people just show up and want to help. He also took something else and took some trash. And he was just so kind to come out of the blue and do that. That really gave me some thoughts. It helped me reflect. Like, I have heard of people dying in our own neighborhood back where we live. And it wasn't someone's partner. It was always like some person living alone. So I never felt compelled to, like, go support someone because there was no one else. There was no one else living there. But it really makes me think hard that if someone's partner or child or someone that's in the. Especially in the same house, if someone passes, what can I do to help? I'm just giving you my personal thoughts right now. And it really makes me think about what I can do to help because I've seen so many people show up for my sister and what they can do to help her. It just blows my mind. And she deserves it. She's such a sweet person. But I think about all this stuff happening and going through it. I think we go through this stuff and it does help us reflect on our own lives and how we can show up. And maybe you already do that, and maybe I would do that if it happened without this even happening. I don't know. Because I've never had somebody like a neighbor or whoever in the same neighborhood. I've never had their partner, their friend, their roommate, their anything pass on. At least it's never been talked about in the neighborhood. So anyway, coming back to what I was really going to talk about today, go forward. Yes, I'm on my laptop, so the audio quality is lower than normal. So if this is your first time listening to me, you're probably thinking, what the hell is this? This is not the quality I expected. And at the same time, hey, I'm just here for the content. That's how I think. And as long as the quality is good enough so I can understand it, the content, maybe. I think it's going to be centered around a letter that I read not on the air. But someone sent me quite a long message in email form like three years ago. And every email that I get sent I keep in my inbox and eventually get to. So if you've never heard me say that, that's what I do. I don't just delete them and move on. Sometimes I read them. I can't. I mean, I always read them, but I can't always put them on the air. And I definitely can't always answer them directly, at least right away. Sometimes I'll reply a year later and say, what happened next? And it's not always the best timing. But I do get them and I do read them. So if you do send me a message, please know that they aren't just going into the void. You may or may not know this about me, but one of the most important steps I take with sponsors, anytime there's a sponsor on the show is vetting them first. And with today's sponsor, BetterHelp, a few years ago I talked with a couple of their therapists right before we went into a partnership, and the feedback I've gotten from those who have used their service has been phenomenal. The truth is, people love BetterHelp. You can check it out yourself@betterhelp.com reviews. You'll see many amazing customer reviews in real time. Hundreds of people have shared how much they love betterhelp and how helpful it's been to them. They have an average live therapy session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client session reviews. More than 6 million people have used BetterHelp globally. Their therapists have at least 3 years and 1000 hours of hands on experience. They hold all the required education, training and certifications across a range of mental health specialties. BetterHelp makes it easy to get started, answer a few questions, get matched with a therapist based on your needs and switch therapists at any time. If it's not the right fit, check out the reviews, see what stands out and see if BetterHelp is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com brain that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com brain. So this message I read, or at least I got three years ago and I just read today, it was a long message, I'm not going to read it to you. But it was an interesting subject because this couple, man and woman, the man did not want dogs in this house. And his girlfriend, his partner, whoever it was, had all her friends and family apparently had dogs and she allowed them in the house all the time. So there was a values conflict going on here. She valued animals. She was okay and willing to clean up after the animals when they came. He ended up, I think, cleaning up after the animals sometimes. But he hated it. He hated dog. It was specifically dogs. He hated dogs in the house. They had nice carpets and he doesn't really want animals in the house. He wants to keep a clean house. He doesn't want all the dog hair. And I understand. This is why my wife and I don't have any animals in our house. It's nice to breathe freely because she's allergic to cats and dogs. Sorry to say. If anybody's a dog or a dog owner out there, but 99% of your houses smell like dog. I'm gonna get beat up for that. I know, but mine's hypoallergenic. Um, if yours doesn't, then you're doing a good job. If yours doesn't smell like a dog, you're doing a good job. And if yours does smell like a dog and you're okay with that, then you're doing a great job. I'm not putting you down for that. But everyone that owns a dog, every house I've been in, the first thing you smell is dog. And for the people who say, well, mine doesn't, you probably don't smell it anymore because it probably once did. Again, not putting you down. I love dogs, too. My sister has a dog and I don't smell the dog in her house. So maybe there's There are more people out there, but, you know, the dog's only been there for a couple weeks, so maybe it takes some time. Anyway, he doesn't want dogs in the house. That was the message. And she said, I love dogs. I love my family. My family has dogs. And they come over all the time. And they kept arguing about that over and over again. And then I guess things cooled down in between. And then her parents were coming over one day, and she told him, hey, my parents are coming over. I just want to let you know that they might be here when you get home. Is that okay? And he's thinking, what do you mean, is that okay? Okay, yes, of course it's okay. Your parents can come over. But what he didn't understand that she was trying to tell him was that they were bringing their dog. And so when he got home, he got super angry. He said, what the f are these dogs doing here? I said, no dogs. So he was very adamant about not having dogs and not wanting dogs. And she was very committed to making sure that it was okay for dogs to be in the house. So there's a. Again, I call that a values incompatibility or a values issue. Like, she values family, dogs. He values maybe cleanliness and maybe family as well, but doesn't value dogs enough to want to clean up after them or smell them or whatever his issue was. I don't even remember what his issue was, but values issue. These values issues come into play with things like this. Some people value something, and other people don't value that, and there can be some opposition and conflict because of that. With values, I always try to find middle ground. I never try to do black and white. If it's, I hate dogs and I love dogs, and that's the values issue. Where can we meet in the middle? Do you hate dogs so much that you don't even want to see them? Do you hate them so much that you can't dedicate a room where the dogs can hang out? And that might be a place you can meet in the middle? I'm not saying this is right or wrong or good or bad, and I'm not on one side or the other, but thinking about this very specific issue, I ask, where can we meet in the middle? When you have values, conflicts like this, where can we meet? Let's come up with a compromise. Let's come. Let's negotiate. You know, this is a negotiation thing. Okay, I don't want dogs in the house. But if we were to do that, if we were to allow Dogs, Maybe we can. Or I would probably word it this way. What can we do to accommodate you and me? Let's talk through it. And maybe that would resolve so many of these issues that we have. You know, we have political issues, political conflicts. Okay, I don't like your candidate, and I don't like your candidate. Well, where can we meet? Where is the compromise? Well, maybe meeting means, you know, meeting in the middle means not talking about politics at all. That would be nice, because not everything has to be about politics. There are still values issues in there. Some people don't talk because they know, they know where it leads. But let's look at something not so deep as politics, like this dog issue. Maybe you have minor issues with somebody else or major issues because they're so black and white, or maybe they're just major all around and you can never, ever talk with them because it always leads to conflict. But can there be a compromise? That's the only question I have today is can there be a compromise when there is a values conflict or values incompatibility? Trying to think of a good example, maybe smoking. There are smokers, and they love to smoke, and they don't mind the smell of smoke on their clothes. And I'm not talking about vaping. That's a different issue, because I don't usually smell vape unless it's flavored. But smokers, they usually have smoke on their clothes. The smoke sticks to the walls, the smoke sticks everywhere. You can be 300ft from a smoker and smell the smoke and you can breathe it in and it'll affect you. I'm speaking from experience because I used to be an involuntary secondhand smoker, and sometimes I still am. So I am against it. Not because I am against people smoking, but I don't want it in my lungs. I also have an adverse effect to that smoke, so it affects me physically. So I have a staunch value that I value clean air and breathing without this, the chemical cocktail that makes up cigarettes. And so if somebody insisted that they want to smoke, which I've had friends in the past, even a partner, a girlfriend a long time ago in the past who wanted to smoke. They valued it. Did I say, well, too bad we're not going to be friends? No, I said, okay, I'm going to. I'm going to figure this out. And they would figure it out, too. They would blow their smoke out the window. They would stand aside, you know, stand out of the downwind so I wouldn't smell it. They would do their best to make sure that it didn't affect me. I thought that was a great compromise. I still didn't like to smell it. I, you know, whatever. That's my issue. If I have a big problem, I can leave and a big deal. But they did their best. I think when someone does their best, they're doing what they can to find that middle ground. So the middle ground is where we can find commonalities that help us get along. If we can connect at the commonalities, connect at that like landing zone. Let's all land here. And when I smoke I'm going to be over here. And when I want the dogs in the house, we're going to have it in this kind of situation, we're going to set that up and at least we'll have all these other connections because that's what relationships are about. These connections that we have. Hey, we're connected here because we like the same movies. We're connected here because we find each other attractive. We're connected here because xyz. But something comes along and this is relationship ending stuff or is it, Is it really relationship ending stuff or can we find a compromise? Sometimes you can't. I understand. Sometimes someone says, well, I don't care, I'm going to smoke in the house because it's my house too. And the other person, the non smoker, smells the smoke everywhere. When they take a shower, the brown stains come through because the steam shows all the. This really happens. I've seen this happen. I'm seeing it happen today. The brown nicotine or whatever it is comes dripping down the wall and you see it and you smell it and it smells like smoke. So smokers do create and this isn't an anti smokers episode, but in this case the non smoker might have a major problem even when the person's not smoking. So there's a major or primary values issue that might be beyond repairable or beyond a middle ground. So if the non smoker can't stand being in that environment with that smell and the visual and the physical feelings they get from the secondhand stuff that's going on, then of course that might be, I hate to say relationship ending stuff, but in this example I'm talking about the smoker who says, I don't care, I'm gonna smoke anywhere I want. When you have that, then you don't have a middle ground. You don't have somebody willing to value the connections and willing to value the other bonds about the relationship. They are not willing to do that. So they are Risking the end of the relationship by being staunch in their values to the point where they aren't willing to meet you in the middle or compromise. And when that happens, there may be nothing you can do. This could be relationship ending stuff with the dogs. It could be relationship ending stuff, you know, with this person with the dogs, when he doesn't want them in the house at all and she does. How do you get past that? Again, we talk about setting up a room or making sure they're outside, but if she doesn't want that and she's not willing to compromise or at least meet in the middle, then that may not work. And it's sad because you might have 98% of these bonds, I mean, connections in your life, you know, you like that book. I like that book. You are a Sagittarius and I am. Whatever the compatibility is, you have all these bonds and connections in your life. And this one issue that maybe happens, what, a couple times a month or whenever. I'm just making it up now, but let's just say that one issue only happens very rarely, but it does happen, and it causes a big fight. Is it relationship ending? Do you want to make it relationship ending? I mean, this reminds me of coming to a place inside ourselves. When you come to a place inside yourself where you can say, you know what? It only happens X number of times. And I can be okay with that because of that. That is also a middle ground, even if they're not meeting you there. That's how I. This is my perspective. It doesn't have to be yours, but I think it's something to consider. Sometimes people do things once in a while and you don't like it and you don't want them to do it, but it's once in a while. And maybe you have a huge value judgment against what they're doing. Maybe you hate it, but they only do it once in a while. And maybe it doesn't really affect you directly, but you just don't like it and you hate that they do it. But then you come back and you ask yourself, is the rest of it worth it? Is the rest of what we have something that we can work with and enjoy and just be at peace with the rest of the time. And this won't work with such major value violations like a betrayal or something like that. Like, you know, I'll just say it bluntly. If you are in a relationship and the other person's cheating, oh, they only do it a couple times a month. That might be too strong. That Might be such an impactful violation that it's never gonna work. You can't get to a place where they say, well, they only do it a couple times a month. You may not be able to do that. I know I wouldn't. That would be the deal breaker. The first time is the deal breaker. That's it for me. Because anything that leads to a betrayal, if we haven't worked it out up to that point, wow, what the heck? How did this happen? So the deal breaker doesn't mean the deal is permanently broken. Sometimes there's betrayal in a relationship and you work through it and you heal and things are better after that, and it never happens again. I'm just saying that sometimes the betrayal is so strong that some people can't get past it. And when you can't get past it because you can't trust again, you don't feel safe again, then what else can you do? You might have to end the relationship. It does happen. But these are all. I mean, betrayal isn't necessarily a values violation. It's more like a relationship boundary violation. Values are kind of the things that we find important that we want to have in our lives, that we value. Values are what we value, and boundaries are something else. Boundaries are what we will and won't accept. So I think a betrayal is more like a relationship boundary than a relationship value. So forget I talked about that. So I'm going to conclude this episode with the belief that if we can find a middle ground with our values, if we can come to a place with each other where we can say, you know, I don't necessarily like when you do that, but I also understand why you like doing that. I understand that and I value your happiness. This is where we might prioritize the value of their happiness over the value of not liking something, the anti value or whatever you want to call it. It's when we can look at someone and say, I prefer you to be happy than for me to be satisfied that you're not doing something that I don't want you to do. And when that happens, when I can say that I would rather have you be happy, then I come to a place of acceptance myself. And if you've heard me talk about acceptance in the past, acceptance means you let something happen without your complaining. It's not exactly what I said in the past, but it really does come down to that. I accept that. I'm going to use the smoking example. It's a good one. I accept that you're a smoker, therefore not going to complain about it. I'm not going to make any waves. I'm not going to tell you that smoking is bad for you and you'll get cancer. I'm not going to give you all the, you know, the stuff that you hear on the news and the warning labels and the cigarette packs. I'm just going to let you be because you are. And this is how I look at things. You are an adult. I care about you. I want you to be happy. And you're making adult decisions for yourself. You don't need me to teach you. You don't need me to put you down. We are friends or we are lovers, we are married, whatever it is. And I want you to be happy. And if that's what makes you happy, I accept that. Accepting means I'm letting it be without complaining. Because if they smoke again and I'm thinking, oh, great, they're smoking again, which I might think inside my head, but accepting means, well, that's their choice. I'm adding that to my list of thoughts. Oh, great, they're smoking again. But that's their choice. And if I don't like it, that's my problem. Now we take responsibility. If I don't like something somebody else is doing, that's my problem, not theirs. Because I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions and take responsibility for what I allow into my life. And if I don't like that, then I should remove myself from that situation, that relationship or whatever instead of causing them to feel bad. I don't want to cause them to feel bad. I want them to feel good because I care about them. When you care about somebody, you're not always putting them down. You're not always telling them what they're doing wrong because you care about them. And caring about them means wanting them to be happy. And if you say to me, yeah, but smoking is bad for you. Again using this example, smoking is bad for them and they should be warned that they're going to get cancer. You don't think they know? They know. They don't need to hear it from us. They don't need to hear from us. They don't need us to say things that they already know. If they've heard it once in their life, that's all they needed. Now they make a choice every day. And again, this is more than smoking. It's about anything that goes on in someone's life that might be a values violation or something that you're unhappy with that they're doing might be a dog coming into the house when somebody else doesn't like dogs. Can you accept that they like dogs and they want dogs in the house. And maybe the compromise is no matter what, I don't care if you if we have dogs in the house as long as you always cleaning up. I don't want to ever clean it up, but I fully welcome dogs in the house. Because you love them, because they're important to you. I hope this helps. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. Next week I'll be back in my home studio recording on more expensive equipment and should sound better. I want to thank our patrons this week way and Heather and Maria. Thank you so much for your support. I value you. I want you to be happy. I want you to be comfortable. And thank you again for valuing this show and giving back. And if you find value in the show and you want to give back, head over to MoreToB.com and there are options to do that over there. And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and abuse over@loveandabuse.com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, you can join a program that is helping a lot of people heal over@HealedBeing.com and with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions. Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful, powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing. Sam. Sa.