Podcast
The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno
Hosted by Julie Menanno · EN
Welcome to The Secure Love Podcast: Real-Time Couples Therapy with Julie Menanno.
Julie Menanno is a licensed therapist committed to helping couples build secure, lasting connections through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In each episode, she works with a real couple and just like many of us, they're navigating life's challenges, raising kids, managing careers, and strengthening their relationship.
Join us as we explore the power of attachment theory and its profound impact on how we connect with our partners. Together, we'll uncover negative communication cycles and learn how to replace them with positive, lasting change. By following each couple's journey, you'll gain relatable insights and practical steps to apply in your own life.
The Secure Love Podcast is your companion on the path to healthier, happier relationships. Your journey to a more secure love starts now.
32episodes
Episodes
Newest firstAll episodes
S3 | Session 15: Two People Overboard: The Co-Regulation Conundrum
1w ago00:46:32Tap to summarizeWe can do all the heavy lifting in therapy, but sometimes life just throws too much at us at once. Between the holidays, chaotic work schedules, and general exhaustion, Rachel and Mike recently hit a wall, slipping off the tracks into a tough two-week period of disconnection. When catching up on the setback, Rachel shares a powerful analogy: normally, if she jumps off the dock, she needs Mike to stay on the dock and pull her back up—but this time, they were both so depleted that Mike jumped off the other side, leaving them both swimming with nobody to pull them to safety. For Rachel, this brought up a painful, ancient narrative. Instead of just seeing two stressed partners, her nervous system told her she was defective. In this session, we reframe what it means to be guarded. For so long, Rachel viewed her emotional wall as a massive block of ice she needed to hack down. Today, we explore why the only real way to remove an ice wall is to slowly warm up the environment until it dissolves on its own. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Sign up for our Understanding Shame Course: Understanding Shame – The Missing Link to Breaking Negative Cycles Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 14: The Burden of the Poker Face: How Hiding Stress Hurts Your Marriage
3w ago01:25:28Tap to summarizeMike recently received some great news about a major work project, but instead of celebrating, he admits to Rachel that he is quietly carrying a massive amount of pressure behind his "professional poker face". In this session, we trace this habit of emotional isolation straight back to its origin. We discover that when Mike struggled as a child, his parents' anxiety would spike, teaching him the painful lesson that his negative emotions were a burden. To protect his family, he learned to bury his feelings and simply "focus on what's good". Today, Mike brings that vulnerability into the room, and Rachel gets the opportunity to show him that she doesn't need him to be perfectly stress-free—she just needs him to be honest about where he is. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Join Our Men's Support Group: Men's Group: Building Emotional Attunement and Connection Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 13: Always Second Place: Fighting to Be Your Partner's Priority
May 1901:15:11Tap to summarizeToday, we see what happens when Mike's loyalty to his family leaves Rachel feeling like she is "last on the list". When Rachel feels unprotected, she tries to handle her pain with logic, presenting evidence and hoping Mike will rationally agree with her. But as we discuss today, logic alone does not heal an attachment wound. Meanwhile, we finally uncover why Mike feels so compelled to manage everyone's comfort, tracing his habit of "going with the flow" straight back to his childhood. Witness what happens when Mike drops his defenses to validate Rachel's pain, and she asks for the one thing her nervous system needs to truly trust him again. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Join Julie's 4-Week Parenting Group Workshop: Parenting With Security Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 12: Between a Rock and a Hard Place: The Cost of "Going With the Flow"
May 1201:06:32Tap to summarizeDoing real emotional work is physically exhausting. When Mike logs on for this session, the very first thing he shares is that he feels completely "taxed and jumbled". He is asking his brain to operate in an emotional language it was never taught to speak. Today, we trace that language barrier straight back to its origin. We dive into Mike's family history, examining the impact of a grandfather who was "straight business" and a father who was "avoidant to the core emotionally". In that environment, Mike learned early on that you don't feel things—you brush them off, distract yourself, and simply "go with the flow" to keep the peace. But as we peel back the layers of a recent conflict, we uncover a completely different truth about how this impacts his marriage. Mike's passivity wasn't an act of pushing Rachel away; it was a desperate, silent attempt to invite her in and beg her to help him manage a lifetime of fear. The moment he is able to articulate this fear instead of weaponizing it, Rachel doesn't pull away—her empathy system opens wide. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Negative Cycle Workshop: Mapping Your Negative Cycle Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 11: You Can't Problem Solve Your Way Out of Pain
May 501:06:31Tap to summarizeWhen your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort? If you've been listening this season, you know Mike usually defaults to logic and defense mechanisms when things get tense. Today, we look directly at what happens in the split-second after a trigger. Mike admits that his absolute first instinct when Rachel is upset is to justify and explain, noting that if he can do so successfully, he can stay out of the agonizing feeling of being a failure. By helping Mike slow down and sit in the physical tension of that fear, he is finally able to tell Rachel the truth: he isn't pushing her away; he is pushing away the pain he doesn't want to face. It's an honest look at how our protections often create the exact disconnection we are trying to avoid, and Rachel finds a lot of relief in finally hearing his authentic self. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Negative Cycle Workshop: Mapping Your Negative Cycle Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 10: Why It Feels So Hard to Ask Your Partner for Help
Apr 2800:52:41Tap to summarizeWe are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Following Mike's admission of withholding the truth, Rachel is experiencing a very healthy, righteous anger. But today, we pivot away from blaming Mike's behavior and guide Rachel directly into her own vulnerability. We uncover a heartbreaking core belief: Rachel is terrified to let Mike help her because her life experiences have taught her that "reliance equals abandonment". From an absent father to the tragic loss of her late husband, Rachel's nervous system has learned that the people you lean on always disappear. We trace this fear back to her childhood, where she learned to deny her own pain because the adults in her life dismissed it. Witness what happens when we stop fighting about the lies and start fighting for the right to take up emotional space. Please help support the podcast by leaving us a five-star rating on Spotify and Apple. Thank you so much to Rachel and Mike for their incredible vulnerability, and thank you all for listening. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 9: Resetting the TEMPO & Two Big Lies
Apr 2100:54:25Tap to summarizeThink about a time you caught your partner withholding the truth. If you've been there, you know the actual lie is only half the battle; the other half is the agonizing feeling of thinking you might be going crazy. Today, we tackle one of the most difficult hurdles in any relationship: broken trust. Recently, Rachel's intuition flared up over a situation, and she pressed Mike for the truth, which he withheld. We map out the exact anatomy of this lie, discovering that Mike isn't a malicious deceiver, but a terrified partner who uses omission as the ultimate escape hatch when his fear of failing Rachel becomes unbearable. Witness the powerful shift when Mike finally takes accountability, and Rachel is hit with a flood of relief as she realizes she wasn't crazy to trust her own gut. As always, we want to hear from you. Send your questions, your breakthroughs, or a voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com, and please leave us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple! Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 8: When Your Partner Makes Decisions Without You
Apr 1400:51:02Tap to summarizeWe are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Today, we revisit a highly charged memory that perfectly illustrates their negative cycle: a unilateral family decision made during a massive winter storm that completely brushed past Rachel's fierce reservations. For a widow who has already lived through losing a spouse, this wasn't just a disagreement about driving conditions—it was a life-or-death trigger that sent the crushing message that her voice didn't matter. In this episode, we explore the clinical approach to anger. We uncover how a "sharp tongue" is often just a desperate, exhausted plea to be heard, and what happens when that fiery protest goes unvalidated and eventually burns out into silent despair. On the other side of the couch, Mike reveals how his endless logic and "word vomit" are actually a desperate shield to protect himself from the profound sadness of feeling utterly unseen and unappreciated. Witness what happens when the fortress finally comes down and they learn to hold space for each other's deepest wounds. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 7: What Will Life Look Like if This Relationship Ends?
Apr 700:54:46Tap to summarizeThink about a time you brought a really important concern to your partner, only to feel completely dismissed. When that happens over and over, you eventually stop bringing things up—not because the problem is solved, but because the pain of being unheard is just too heavy to keep risking. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Recently, Rachel's daughter came to her feeling like some recent situations involving their step-parent dynamic just hadn't been fair. Hearing her daughter's frustration sparked something in Rachel. It made her realize that she had been noticing those exact same unfair dynamics, but she had been keeping quiet because the last time she tried to voice her concerns, she felt completely dismissed. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don't stay in the logistics of the fight. The specific details of the story don't actually matter, because conflict is always going to circle back to someone's attachment need going unmet. For Rachel, this private incident triggered a massive, ancient wound: the agonizing pain of feeling dismissed. And for Mike? Watching Rachel slip into that pain didn't just make him uncomfortable; it activated a terrifying catastrophization in his brain. His nervous system convinced him that he was going to fail her, the marriage would end, and he would be thrust back into the profound loneliness he experienced during his years as a single man. Today, you are going to hear what happens when we slow down the nervous system's automatic defenses and finally give these hidden fears a voice. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
Transcribe →S3 | Session 6: When the Fixer Finally Puts Down His Tools
Mar 3100:39:03Tap to summarizeWe pick right back up in the middle of our session with Rachel and Mike. After Rachel courageously bared her soul, the energy in the room is incredibly heavy. Now, we turn our focus to Mike. When you look at an Avoidant partner in moments of high emotional stress, the assumption is often that they come across as cold, detached, or simply don't care. But the reality is entirely different. Today, you are going to feel the suffocating wave of failure that crashes over Mike. We take a magnifying glass to his internal world and see how his tendency to justify, reason, and over-explain isn't him trying to be dismissive. It is actually his desperate, panicked attempt to regulate his own immense shame and manage the paralyzing physical tension of failing his wife. Witness what happens when the "fixer" finally puts down his tools, stops explaining the situation, and instead explains himself. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.
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