Starship Iris Season 3 Update | World Gone Wrong feed drop!

Summary

Podcast Title: The Strange Case of Starship Iris
Host/Author: Jessica Best (Procyon Podcast Network)
Episode: Starship Iris Season 3 Update | World Gone Wrong Feed Drop!
Release Date: May 7, 2024

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Overview

In this episode of The Strange Case of Starship Iris, creator Jessica Best provides an exciting update on the highly anticipated third and final season of the series. Additionally, she introduces listeners to a new companion podcast, World Gone Wrong, offering a taste of its inaugural episode. This dual-purpose episode serves both to satiate existing fans eager for more Starship Iris content and to entice them with a fresh, engaging new show.

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Season 3 Update of Starship Iris

Timestamp: [00:00]

Jessica Best begins the episode with thrilling news about the progression of Starship Iris. She announces the completion of the second draft of the third and final season, which is currently pending another round of edits and is projected to be finalized as early as next week.

• Key Points:
  • Returning Core Actors: All main cast members will reprise their roles, ensuring continuity and maintaining the beloved dynamics established in previous seasons.
  • Episode Structure: The upcoming season will feature eight main episodes complemented by three mini-episodes. The first mini-episode, titled "Arcady," will recap events from the first two seasons, providing both a refresher for long-time listeners and an accessible entry point for newcomers.
  • Production Timeline: While specific release dates remain undisclosed, Jessica assures fans that the new season is definitively underway, humorously adding, "As long as my house is not hit by a meteor, it's happening."

Notable Quote:

"Knowing people are still on board for more after all these years is moving and humbling."
— Jessica Best [00:50]

Jessica expresses heartfelt gratitude towards her audience for their unwavering support, highlighting the community’s role in her creative journey. She credits the listeners’ patience and enthusiasm as pivotal in driving the series forward, emphasizing the personal transformation and fulfillment she has experienced through creating Starship Iris.

---

Introduction to World Gone Wrong

Timestamp: [01:24]

Transitioning from updates on Starship Iris, Jessica pivots to introduce her latest project, World Gone Wrong. She describes it as a "very fun show" developed in collaboration with the Audacious Machine team, known for producing Unwell.

• Show Concept:

  • World Gone Wrong is portrayed as a cozy fictional chat show centered around two queer best friends navigating an increasingly supernatural reality. The show blends humor with heartfelt moments, exploring themes such as survival, friendship, and the absurdities of a world turned upside down.

• Jessica’s Role: She has penned the first twelve episodes, labeling it her "best part-time job ever," indicative of her passion and commitment to the project.

• Release Schedule: New episodes air every other Tuesday across all major podcast platforms, with five episodes available at the time of this release. Jessica playfully encourages listeners to check it out, assuring them of its entertaining and unexpected narrative turns.

Promotional Quote:

"World Gone Wrong is funny and heartfelt and it goes to some surprising places."
— Jessica Best [01:54]

Before concluding her introduction, Jessica offers a sneak peek by playing the first episode of World Gone Wrong, titled "Can You Shamecone a Werewolf?".

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Sample Episode: World Gone Wrong – "Can You Shamecone a Werewolf?"

World Gone Wrong features fictional hosts Malik and Jamie, portrayed by Hilary Williams and Michael Turrentine, respectively. The episode blends comedic dialogue with discussions on supernatural phenomena, specifically focusing on werewolves and their impact on everyday life.

Episode Highlights:

Introduction of Hosts and Setting

Timestamp: [02:20]

Malik and Jamie introduce themselves as young millennials dealing with a world spiraling into chaos due to supernatural events. The show is set against the backdrop of a society grappling with werewolf attacks and other bizarre occurrences.

• Humorous Banter: The hosts engage in playful exchanges, setting a lighthearted tone despite the serious subject matter. For instance:

  "All you have to do is lie to a period track app one time and bam, there it is. Never caught by surprise again."
  — Jamie [01:56]

Discussion on Werewolves and Real-World Implications

Timestamp: [03:30 - 10:12]

The hosts delve into the practical challenges posed by werewolves, using a listener's question about protecting a small dog named Pepper, who was bitten by a coyote and may potentially become a werewolf.

• Listener's Scenario: Jamie presents a concern where a Pekingese dog, Pepper, was bitten and might transform into a werewolf, posing risks to itself and others.

• Solutions Proposed:

  • Extra-Strength Muzzle: Malik suggests fitting the dog with a robust muzzle to prevent biting, though Jamie humorously contests the feasibility given the dog's small size.
  • Locking the Dog In: They discuss the practicality of confining the dog to a specific room during transformation periods, debating the effectiveness and potential issues like the dog's comfort and the owner's space constraints.

Notable Quotes:

"Making this show has changed my life."
— Jessica Best [00:50]

"How is your end?"
— Jamie [03:05]

"Nobody on the planet is actually doing fine."
— Malik [09:14]

Humorous Takes on Supernatural Predicaments

Timestamp: [10:13 - 19:04]

Malik and Jamie continue to tackle the listener's dilemma with wit and sarcasm, debating the plausibility of certain solutions and the absurdity of the situations in a world overrun by werewolves.

• Creative Solutions: They brainstorm unconventional methods such as using animal tranquilizers, barricading doors without locks, and even considering living with the transformed dog on a month-to-month basis.

• Cultural References: The hosts make light-hearted references to pop culture and fictional scenarios, including nods to Les Misérables and Ren Faire traditions, enhancing the comedic element of the discussion.

Notable Quotes:

"I’m a self-appointed shark lawyer."
— Jamie [11:35]

"The fix is in."
— Malik [15:06]

Social Commentary and Relatability

Timestamp: [21:54 - 25:10]

Beyond the humorous exchanges, Malik and Jamie touch upon deeper themes such as misinformation spread during crises, the human tendency to seek solutions amidst chaos, and the importance of community support.

• Isolation vs. Community: They emphasize that despite the bizarre and frightening changes in the world, listeners are not alone in their struggles, fostering a sense of solidarity.

• Encouragement: The hosts conclude with uplifting messages, encouraging listeners to persevere through the tumultuous times with hope for a better future.

Notable Quotes:

"It could make them feel like someone's at least along for the ride."
— Malik [24:47]

"You're saying no one is alone."
— Jamie [25:08]

---

Conclusion and Production Credits

Timestamp: [25:30 - 26:15]

The episode wraps up with Malik and Jamie sending their best wishes to listeners, acknowledging the increasing difficulties of their world while expressing hope and support.

• Production Credits:
  • Written By: Jessica Best
  • Directed and Edited By: Jeffrey Nils Gardner
  • Show Art: Carly Fairbanks
  • Theme Song: "Falling in Love at the End of the World" by Olivia and the Lovers
  • Produced By: Jeffrey Nils Gardner and Eleanor Hyde
  • Production Company: Audacious Machine Creative

Final Quote:

"We know things are getting weirder every day, but we hope you're doing okay. And we wish you all a better tomorrow."
— Jamie [25:23]

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Key Takeaways

• Exciting Season 3 Ahead: Fans of Starship Iris can look forward to a comprehensive and engaging final season, with content meticulously crafted and eagerly anticipated.

• Introducing World Gone Wrong: This new podcast promises a blend of humor and heart, exploring supernatural themes through the relatable lens of everyday challenges, making it a must-listen for those seeking both entertainment and connection.

• Engaging Storytelling: World Gone Wrong excels in weaving comedic elements with speculative fiction, providing both laughs and thoughtful commentary on societal responses to crises.

• Community and Support: The episode underscores the importance of staying connected and supporting one another, even amidst the most surreal and challenging circumstances.

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For more information on Starship Iris and World Gone Wrong, visit Procyon Podcasts.

Transcript

[Jessica Best]

Hi, Jessica Best here, the creator of the Strange Case of Starship Iris. I wanted to say that I have now finished a second draft of the third and final season. It's awaiting another round of edits and could be finalized as soon as next week. All of the core actors will be returning. The season will consist of eight main episodes and three mini episodes. The first mini episode is Arcady, summing up everything that's happened in seasons one and two. The other too many episodes are half length installments of the season three story. I don't have any dates for you yet, but it is happening. It is absolutely happening. As long as my house is not hit by a meteor, it's happening. I also want to thank you audience for your incredible patience as I've wrestled with my outlines and scripts, searching for the best possible story I can tell. Knowing people are still on board for more after all these years is moving and humbling. Also, thank you for the support, for spreading the word, for backing us on Patreon, for just listening. It sounds like a cliche, but trust me, it's extremely true. Making this show has changed my life. If you're looking for something fun to listen to in the meantime, might I recommend World Gone Wrong? It's a very fun show I've been working on with the Audacious Machine folks who also produced Unwell. World Gone Wrong is a cozy fictional chat show about a pair of queer bust friends trying to make sense of their increasingly supernatural reality. I had the honor of writing the first 12 episodes and it is the best part time job I have ever had. It updates every other Tuesday and you can listen wherever podcasts are offered. It's funny and heartfelt and it goes to some surprising places. As of today, there are five episodes out and I can't say this enough, it is a fun listen. Episode one is called can youn Shamecone a Werewolf? And I'm gonna play it for you right now. Enjoy.

[Jamie]

Thing is, it's not that hard.

[Malik]

Okay, but it's not straightforward either. The calendar isn't really.

[Jamie]

All you have to do is lie to a period track app one time and bam, there it is. Never caught by surprise again.

[Malik]

Oh, hey.

[Jamie]

Right. It's called a cycle for a reason. Not like it stops. Mmm.

[Malik]

Yet.

[Jamie]

Oh, no.

[Malik]

Yep.

[Jamie]

Although scientifically, how would that even.

[Malik]

How does anything happen these days? Are you recording?

[Jamie]

I am. Are you?

[Malik]

Hello and welcome to episode one of World Gone Wrong with Malik and Jamie. I'm Malik and this Jamie.

[Jamie]

I'm Jamie.

[Unknown]

Someone on the radio said something about the sun going out forever in a month or so. But we all knew the end was near. Nothing to be done from here. So I shake my head and off to bed I go.

[Malik]

So, like we said, this is world gone wrong, and we are here to discuss and explain our ever changing reality in ways that inform and entertain you. You know, the listener who will hopefully exist at some point. Fingers crossed.

[Jamie]

My dad said he'd listen.

[Malik]

Ooh, then hello and welcome to Jamie's dad.

[Jamie]

Hi, dad. Ooh.

[Malik]

What if we narrow cast this? Did a whole episode just for your dad?

[Jamie]

Yeah, it'd be like it. Jokes, gardening tips, recipes for squash. I don't know how to hand mend something.

[Malik]

I need to know that.

[Jamie]

Yeah, listen, he's getting into maybe next episode. So we are here.

[Malik]

Yes. I am your dashing Chicago correspondent, and Jamie is your equally dashing co host, broadcasting all the way from scenic small town Colorado. How is it out there, Jamie?

[Jamie]

It's. Have you seen the news about.

[Malik]

Yeah. Are you guys okay? I mean, I assumed when you didn't.

[Jamie]

Answer the call, like, screaming, but we are okay. Answering your first question. It's weird.

[Malik]

Mm.

[Jamie]

Are you okay? How's Chicago?

[Malik]

Fine and weird.

[Jamie]

Yeah. So the show, I think we said we would look at the current moment, everything that's happening, and take it one catastrophe at a time. And today's episode, we were starting simple with werewolves.

[Malik]

Werewolves. But before we get into that, some quick background, like, who are these people in your ears right now?

[Jamie]

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

[Malik]

We are two younger millennials, which is to say our world's been rushing down the drain, basically, since we've been aware of it. When we first moved in together, we decided to throw a Halloween party. While we were choosing the music, we realized each of us had a playlist of upbeat tunes about the end of the world. And I think that outlook uniquely qualifies us to comment on everything happening now.

[Jamie]

Okay, two things. Never talk about that party again. And second, does that qualify us?

[Malik]

Have you heard the boomers try to make sense of this? We are experts compared to them. What else? We met on Craigslist, which sounds like medium sketchy.

[Jamie]

Only if you say it like that.

[Malik]

Yeah. We're roommates.

[Jamie]

Normally, we're roommates.

[Malik]

Temporarily estranged roommates, once and future roommates roommates. But right now, the room in question.

[Jamie]

Is half the US Maybe a third. There's a lot of west where I'm at.

[Malik]

Yeah. Last month, Jamie decided to go stay with family for a while for, you know, the unpleasantness.

[Jamie]

Now, that is a euphemism okay, the.

[Malik]

Great infuckening in which all was mercilessly infuckened.

[Jamie]

Voice of a generation. Over here.

[Malik]

I'll take it. And this show is our little project to keep from going stir crazy and also to stay in touch despite the many cruel miles of American geography that seeks to part us.

[Jamie]

For the record, my idea was a group chat.

[Malik]

Yeah, but this way I get to hear your dulcet tones and we get to share our thoughts with the world. The world of your dad. Plus, a group chat wouldn't be half as loud. We have a whole. We have a range of decibels to explore. We can whisper, we can shout, we can sing. Ah. Oh, that was good.

[Jamie]

Thank you.

[Malik]

That was an A.

[Jamie]

Sure. So what are we. What's the. What do we want to talk about?

[Malik]

I actually have an advice question for us.

[Jamie]

This is episode one. How do you even. Where did you get a question from?

[Malik]

I may have scraped Reddit for future episodes. Listeners. Jamie's dad, feel free to write in. We can anonymize you if something's embarrassing. We're Here to Help.

[Jamie]

Is that the name of the segment?

[Malik]

Ooh, yeah. Okay.

[Jamie]

Welcome to We're Here to Help, our first ever segment.

[Malik]

It's not hard to tell the world is unwell, but we are here to help. Ding.

[Jamie]

That was incredible. Did you write that ahead of time?

[Malik]

Oh, gosh, not at all. That was me living in the moment. So this is from R Dogs, which you'd think would be getting a lot more traffic since then.

[Jamie]

I think most of that is in new subreddits. R. Diagnose me. That's a big one. R. Near misses. R. Oh God, oh God. Oh God. Help.

[Malik]

Do we think these people are opening Reddit mid wolf attack?

[Jamie]

They really could be in shock.

[Malik]

Who wouldn't be? Jamie, if you'd like to do the honors.

[Jamie]

Cool. So my 5 year old dog Pepper got bitten last week. We took him to the vet and he's all patched up with minimal blood loss. A real roller coaster of an opening there. I told the vet it was a coyote just to be safe, and I think she believed me. But he's a Pekingese, so my main worry is that when he changes, he'll try getting into fights with much bigger animals. He could really hurt himself. Any suggestions? Wow, okay.

[Malik]

That's a tough one, right?

[Jamie]

I think we've all had to brush up on how to evade werewolves in the past couple of weeks, but I haven't heard anything on how to protect a werewolf or dog wolf.

[Malik]

In this case, last week I would have said, hey, are we sure that a non human animal can even catch lycanthropy?

[Jamie]

Oh, he was so young, so innocent.

[Malik]

But then Bloomfield Hills happened.

[Jamie]

Bloomfield? Which one was that?

[Malik]

You didn't hear about this? It's all over the local news. Oh. So Bloomfield Hills, very rich suburb of Detroit. Some people out there have horses. Not like cowboys, obviously. Equestrians.

[Jamie]

A horse got bitten.

[Malik]

Yeah, it was bad. You don't always think about how big a horse is, how fast it can go. Then you're staring down a supercharged horsewolf hybrid that wants your blood. At first the people there thought they were safe because it was like in a paddock.

[Jamie]

Oh. But obviously the horse wolf knocked it.

[Malik]

Down like so much wet cardboard. Even without the otherworldly strength, I think a normal wolf. Wolf could have gotten out. People just aren't prepared for that in the suburbs. What's been bitten in your side of the woods?

[Jamie]

We had a few bighorn sheep go wolf. They injured some hunters. Someone came back the next day and got them. Also, there was this raccoon in our yard last week. Last full moon.

[Malik]

Uh huh.

[Jamie]

At first my dad thought the raccoon had rabies. It was so aggressive. I mean, it could have still been rabies.

[Malik]

Are you gonna tell me what this raccoon was doing or do I have to rely on my finely honed imagination?

[Jamie]

Dad said he saw it was definitely a raccoon. It had the tail, but he saw it take down a wounded bat. Take down and then eat. So the upside is, no matter what, we don't have to contend with where bats again.

[Malik]

Yet.

[Jamie]

Yet. It was moving faster than an animal should be able to move. So he didn't get a great line of sight, but he thought it had more of a snout than usual and longer legs, bigger teeth.

[Malik]

Ooh, your dad didn't get bit, did he?

[Jamie]

Oh, he stayed in the house. We both did. Even if it was just rabies, there's no way we're tangling with that. You know, I would have led with that if my dad had mysterious bite marks right now. Yeah, when I say fine, I mean fine.

[Malik]

Okay, Nobody on the planet is actually doing fine.

[Jamie]

You know what I mean? We grade on a curve.

[Malik]

I know.

[Jamie]

You have to trust me that things are, I don't know, adequate.

[Malik]

In that case, if nobody but the bat was hurt. Not to get pedantic. Yeah, were bat. The thought is that were actually means man. A Batman. Oh wait, a Batman would actually be a big help right now.

[Jamie]

That depends on which run you're. You know what? Okay, we're not gonna get into that now.

[Malik]

Yeah, stakes are high. Oops. Stakes? Wait, stakes are vampires? That's not a pun. Big relief. Okay, so saving the life of Pepper the Pekingese.

[Jamie]

Well, the good thing is they've got time.

[Malik]

They've got.

[Jamie]

At the time of recording, we had a full moon a week ago. Assuming this was posted today, they've got about three weeks. Like I said, unlike werewolves themselves or pod people or anything else in that vein, the moon cycle doesn't sneak up on you.

[Malik]

Three weeks to do what?

[Jamie]

Get your dog fitted for an extra strength muzzle? Maybe. That sounds harsh, but it beats the alternatives.

[Malik]

So I have a creeping suspicion you don't know what a Pekingese is.

[Jamie]

Well, they're small, right? I'm not saying it'd be easy to find one that fits, it's just, you.

[Malik]

Know, Jamie, my sweet Jamie. What I need you to do right now is pause the show and Google image search one of these suckers.

[Jamie]

Okay, Hang on, I. Oh. Oh. Yep, that is one flat, tiny little baby face.

[Malik]

And yeah, he'll have a snout once he changes, but I don't know how you'd find anything that would stay comfortable before and after. Plus, do we even know if. Okay, so a dog can get the bite and transform, but does that bite still. Does that still spread it?

[Jamie]

I don't know, but that is like. Do not take that gamble.

[Malik]

Because like, I'm not saying I'm not worried about this Pekingese attempting to start something with a bigger werewolf or even.

[Jamie]

Just an actual coyote or like a large cat.

[Malik]

I mean, these guys really are the size of a lunchbox. But my thing is, if a tiny dog wolf bites your ankle and that's enough to spin, that feels maybe even more dangerous than a really big. Even the horsewolf. Like a fanged, muscled horse charging at you with murder in its eyes. You clear the area, but people don't see a Pekingese and think run. It's like how more people die each year from falling flat screen TVs than shark attacks.

[Jamie]

Really?

[Malik]

Yeah. I forget the actual number, but I think it's around twice as many. We know to fear sharks. We think about those pointy, toothy killing machines and we go, maybe a pool instead. But there's no primal part of your brain Whispering, hey, that TV is heavier than it looks.

[Jamie]

Okay, in defense of TVs, sharks are also not that dangerous.

[Malik]

You know, in the time since you left, somehow I forgot you're a self appointed shark lawyer.

[Jamie]

I'M just saying.

[Malik]

Objection, you, Honor.

[Jamie]

I'm just saying. Sharks have tiny prehistoric brains and they approach the world teeth first, because that's how they are made. Even if a shark tries to bite you, and it frankly is not a given that they will try to bite you, you can generally get out of it by swapping them on the nose.

[Malik]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that if a wild shark sunk its many gigantic teeth into your one fragile human body, you, Jamie, would be able to. Thwop.

[Jamie]

You are so Shark Week pilled. If I'm a shark lawyer, you're a shark prosecutor.

[Malik]

Oh, Shark law Court of Sharks. I would watch that show Take a Bite out of crime. Wait, that's McGruff the crime dog. That's a. That's a separate issue. Okay, wait, sorry. Remember? Remember when we tried to explain about the whole cartoon trench coat snitch dog thing to Aditi?

[Jamie]

So, speaking of dogs, speaking of this poor terrified pet owner.

[Malik]

Right, right.

[Jamie]

There are two main problems. A, pepper gets hurt. B, pepper spreads lycanthropy, either to other animals or to humans in his circle. All of which is to say, I think step one is to just accept that once a month you have an indoor dog.

[Malik]

Wait, so to protect the neighborhood animals, we're locking the dog wolf in with a bunch of people? I don't want to be chased by a squirrel wolf or a deer wolf any more than you do. But like people, Jamie.

[Jamie]

First of all, if we want to minimize the spread, a bitten person knows how to take precautions, and a bitten anything else does not.

[Malik]

So the dog owner surrenders to a lifetime of werewolfism. There's a joke here about people looking like they're pets, but I won't go there.

[Jamie]

Second of all, a Pekingese looks like it's about as big as a very large loaf of bread. All you have to do is lock it in whatever room you care about the least. No amount of wolf is going to change the fact that it can't reach the doorknob.

[Malik]

What if the questioner lives in a studio?

[Jamie]

Nobody with Pekingese money lacks multiple door.

[Malik]

Money doesn't mean they're spending it that way. Also, the dog could be a gift or from when they had more money. People come down in the world sometimes.

[Jamie]

Touche.

[Malik]

And even if you have a two bedroom that's still basically destroying a huge chunk of your living space, like 12.

[Jamie]

Times a year, everything at Pekingese height only. And you take your valuables out before I hear you.

[Malik]

But the floor.

[Jamie]

Yeah.

[Malik]

You are never Ever getting your deposit back?

[Jamie]

Do you usually get your deposit back?

[Malik]

Point landlords. Ugh. Go figure the one thing in the world that doesn't change. You know what else, though?

[Jamie]

What?

[Malik]

We are assuming this little guy can't jump.

[Jamie]

Probably not. High. With those tiny little lengths, every inch.

[Malik]

He can gain increases the zone of destruction.

[Jamie]

There are drawbacks.

[Malik]

I think the solution is clear. You do you drug the dog.

[Jamie]

Okay. You. What?

[Malik]

I mean, according to what I've heard, that's already what the rich are doing when they get bitten. Knock themselves out, wake up the next morning a little groggy. So you go back to the vet, talk your way into some supplies, and then every four weeks, you have a tiny, snoring little dog wolf by the side of your bed, safe and adorable.

[Jamie]

Talk your way into the vet giving you animal tranquilizers. Yeah, okay, Malik, what does that sound like?

[Malik]

It sounds very charming. Because the safety of you and anyone you live with is on the line.

[Jamie]

Flirt with the veterinarian? That's your plan? Do you also sweet talk them into describing the correct dosage for your dog?

[Malik]

Maybe it's more of a bribe.

[Jamie]

So we're relying on the vet being corrupt?

[Malik]

Hey, you've lived in Chicago for years. You know how it is. The fix is in.

[Jamie]

And if you get the one honest vet in town, keep in mind, what it's actually gonna sound like is not, oh, I'm protecting my living situation from the world's tiniest shapeshifter. It's gonna sound like you wanna get high. High enough to knock out a Pekingese? A small dog. Hi.

[Malik]

Okay, wait. Compromise. We marry your plan with my plan.

[Jamie]

How?

[Malik]

I'm not saying it's a loving marriage. It's more of a marriage of convenience.

[Jamie]

Malik, what are the compromises?

[Malik]

I'll explain after this commercial break.

[Jamie]

Wait, wait. We have commercials, okay? On episode one of this show. How is this even possible?

[Malik]

Allow me to explain during our commercial break. Hello again. And we're back with my brilliant solution. Jamie's plan merged with mine. Okay, so you go to the vet, you don't try to seduce them, and you don't try to slip them a crisp 20.

[Jamie]

You are only gonna bribe them with $20 for what, a dog's lifetime worth of tranquilizer?

[Malik]

I would leave room to bargain. If you start out high, they don't respect you.

[Jamie]

And you crave the respect of a vet craven enough to sew.

[Malik]

No, I crave the savings. Life is so expensive.

[Jamie]

Okay, right, fine.

[Malik]

Keep in mind you've gotta be able to Aff to feed a pint sized wolf once a month. I really doubt he's gonna settle for kibble.

[Jamie]

Also the therapy bills for you and everyone you live with.

[Malik]

Also that. So, okay, the compromise, you go back to the vet who may be a wonderful person. I don't know why we keep smearing this imaginary stranger's name. You say, hey, I'm sorry, but my dog won't stop trying to bite at the spot you patched up. Oh yeah, you get a shame cone. You and this is very key. You put the cone on the dog before he transforms and then you lock him in. See this part is. It's still a problem because not everyone has multiple rooms. But you get where I'm going, you gain a layer of extra protection and your dog won't be able to chew through a door.

[Jamie]

That would be a lot of chewing.

[Malik]

Hmm. How much door could a wolf dog chaw if a wolf dog could chaw door?

[Jamie]

I guess even if it can't get through, it could gradually weaken the door. So not tonight, but six transformations from now.

[Malik]

That's right. A weredog is a pet for life. Don't get one now because it's trendy, folks. You're making a commit commitment to a whole lifestyle.

[Jamie]

Until scientists figure out how to reverse lycanthropy.

[Malik]

You think there's gonna be a cure.

[Jamie]

You don't?

[Malik]

How could you undo changing into a different animal every month?

[Jamie]

Just because I can't describe it doesn't mean it's impossible. I haven't read enough about quantum physics to truly understand it. But we still have all these particles.

[Malik]

There's faith in science and then there's science, zealotry.

[Jamie]

Look, yeah, we don't really know. We don't know if there's a way to undo this. But given that we don't know. Let's say it's a coin flip on a coin.

[Malik]

We can't see an invisible coin.

[Jamie]

Alright, What? What do we gain by acting like we're all doomed forever? Even if that's the answer, why live in that space right now when we don't have to?

[Malik]

It'll save you the disappointment later.

[Jamie]

Is it worth living in fear?

[Malik]

Shit.

[Jamie]

Yeah.

[Malik]

No, no, no, no. I mean, I solved the door problem.

[Jamie]

You have.

[Malik]

You put a cone on the dog and then lock him in the bathroom. Even a studio generally has a bathroom door. He's less likely to claw up a tile floor. And what's he gonna do in there? Bite your toilet? Plus when he feels the lupine need to mark the Territory that's a way easier mess to clean.

[Jamie]

I swear, I am not trying to poke holes in this, but do your bathroom doors lock from the outside?

[Malik]

You barricade the door.

[Jamie]

Barricade?

[Malik]

It worked in Les Mis.

[Jamie]

It did not work in Les Mis. That's like a huge part of Les Mise.

[Malik]

Wait, Jamie, remember, the door doesn't need to lock. Neither dogs nor wolves have hands.

[Jamie]

Oh, we forgot about paws. Okay, not our brightest moment.

[Malik]

In our defense, we're not working in our areas of expertise. Next advice column. I'll find someone whose problem involves werewolves and cooking. The Dewey decimal system versus the Library of Congress. Women's hockey and the drama surrounding women's hockey.

[Jamie]

It's not my fault they keep marrying players from rival teams.

[Malik]

Or we can do one for me. Like help. I'm running from this wolf bear monster. And I also really need something to analyze the themes in this stanza.

[Jamie]

Okay, show off writing, teaching, studying and performing your poetry. Swiss army knife, a jack of several trades. Okay, so back to it. We shame Cone Pepper, put him in the bathroom and shut the door until it clicks. Did we just solve it?

[Malik]

There's only one problem.

[Jamie]

One. Okay, good. That was just fine. Just one problem.

[Malik]

I think my sister said that dogs don't really like having those cones on. You know, it doesn't get to be called of shame if the wearer like actually has a good time.

[Jamie]

The dog might not like it, but if vets do it, then it can't actually be harmful. And I don't think any of us would like becoming a werewolf.

[Malik]

You're on team cone now.

[Jamie]

Team cone and team door.

[Malik]

You just. You post a sign over the knob.

[Jamie]

So you don't forget not to crack open the door behind which a furious loaf sized wolf is going on a rampage.

[Malik]

You don't even need a sign. But what.

[Jamie]

What if you have to use the bathroom at, you know, any point during the night?

[Malik]

You visit the all night diner across the street, buy a coffee.

[Jamie]

Do you know any 24 hour places that are still open every night of the moon cycle these days? And what if they live in the suburbs or the middle of nowhere?

[Malik]

Yeah, right. Or any other place where you don't want to be out at night. Yeah, that's not ideal.

[Jamie]

I guess. You. You could have a designated bedpan.

[Malik]

Ugh, gross.

[Jamie]

That's your line in the sand.

[Malik]

I think it is. You know what else we're forgetting?

[Jamie]

What?

[Malik]

A dog isn't a person. You can kennel a dog. Kennels just put the dog in its cage for A night you don't even have to tranqu him or cone him.

[Jamie]

Although.

[Malik]

What?

[Jamie]

How strong is your average dog cage? And how strong is your average dog wolf?

[Malik]

Are we talking about a dog wolf or are we talking about a fuzzy basketball with legs?

[Jamie]

I think we have to assume that even a normally defenseless animal can do a lot of damage if you give it preternatural strength and angry wolf thoughts. That's why regular werewolves are dangerous in the first place, isn't it?

[Malik]

Did you see that video from Maine of that guy?

[Jamie]

Of course. I do think it was probably staged.

[Malik]

Based on what?

[Jamie]

Oh, first of all, I don't like. I do not think of TikTok as the home of serious journalism. It's the algorithm mathematically guessing what you're likely to stare at. And second, real special effects people have put out videos explaining how you can fake those visuals.

[Malik]

I hope you're right, because the way he rips it in two, it could be a deepfake.

[Jamie]

It could be a clip from some obscure movie.

[Malik]

I think we both would have said the same thing about werewolves a few months ago. And look where we are now. Look where we are. Literally look at the rest of it. Like all the. What did I say before?

[Jamie]

The great befuckening, these are exactly the scenarios where misinformation spreads the fastest. Everyone's scared, and some people think they stand to gain from that. It's part of the human condition, unfortunately.

[Malik]

The look on his face though.

[Jamie]

That's why I think it's a movie. From what I've read, the lighting makes no sense for the time of day. Besides, who would film something like that and have the presence of mind to zoom in on his expression? You'd think a bystander would be way more worried about the claws and the, I don't know, collateral damage.

[Malik]

You think?

[Jamie]

Also, the sound quality is suspiciously good. No wind, no ambient noise. Yeah, it would be irresponsible of us to spread hysteria. Plus we still owe the questioner response.

[Malik]

They're just some redditor. They're not going to hear this.

[Jamie]

They might, I guess. Then I guess we need an answer.

[Malik]

Thank you.

[Jamie]

For what?

[Malik]

For providing this segue. Okay, so you do everything first. And I cannot believe we didn't mention this yet. You protect everyone else who lives there. You invest in some steel toed boots and leg armor.

[Jamie]

Leg armor?

[Malik]

Jamie, if you think there isn't already, as we speak, a place on the Internet where you can buy chainmail socks, then you and I are on very different Internets. Chainmail Socks, chainmail pants. Tell me you haven't seen some Ren Faire entrepreneur out there.

[Jamie]

Okay, hold on. The Ren Faire scene and the TTRPG scene are different.

[Malik]

Uh huh.

[Jamie]

Have you seriously never played Played D and D?

[Malik]

I made a half a character sheet five years ago. It was like doing taxes, but with elf magic, which somehow made it less fun.

[Jamie]

There are all kinds of tools on the Internet now.

[Malik]

That whole scene really feels like to me, no offense, nerds out of college finding a way to keep getting homework.

[Jamie]

Says the guy studying for a living.

[Malik]

Whoa. It is not for a living if you don't make any money doing it. In fact, it's the opposite of doing something for a living. I am waiting tables and tending bars so I'll have the money to spend on a PhD. No sorcery to speak of. Unless you count the power of words and a cold brew.

[Jamie]

Coffee, naturally.

[Malik]

Potion of shake a lot and then poop. Weird.

[Jamie]

Plus one to intelligence, minus one to constitution.

[Malik]

Minus one. Have you had coffee before?

[Jamie]

What were we talking about?

[Malik]

Leg armor.

[Jamie]

Okay, yeah, probably that exists. And if it didn't before, it could now, given the massive increase of bite injuries.

[Malik]

Right, and you get, I don't know, welder's gloves in case you need to use your hands. And then you cone and kennel your dog, specifically in the bathroom door firmly shut, and you wait and you hope. And in the meantime, yeah, it's very gross, but you pee into a makeshift bedpan if you need to.

[Jamie]

Every month.

[Malik]

For one night. Every month. Because this is Pepper, your dog, who you love.

[Jamie]

It's Pepper.

[Malik]

And if that's what it takes to keep him in your life, you do it one night at a time. And you. I can't stress this enough, you label your pee pan so clearly.

[Jamie]

So since I'm the only one of us that has a Reddit account, am I gonna have to type all of this out?

[Malik]

Maybe just link them to this episode? They don't have any responses yet. They might appreciate it.

[Jamie]

Even the amount of verbal slapstick that it took us to get here.

[Malik]

It could make them feel like someone's at least along for the ride. I feel like that's the main thing we can do right now. It's part of what makes this slog worth it. The way we can all reach to each other and even in the smallest ways remind each other that for every stupid, sad, weird, ridiculous thing that happens to us, someone out there is dealing with some other situation just as befuckened.

[Jamie]

You're saying no one is alone.

[Malik]

Everyone's alone. It's one of the many things that we have in common.

[Jamie]

I think that's as good as any place to leave off.

[Malik]

Yeah, this is Malik.

[Jamie]

Oh, and hi, Jamie.

[Malik]

Signing out. We know things are getting weirder every day, but we hope you're doing okay. And we wish you all a better tomorrow.

[Unknown]

Even when it's ashes, there'll be part of me that wishes.

Jamie and Malik are played by Hilary Williams and Michael Turrentine.

[Malik]

This episode was written by Jessica, Best.

[Unknown]

Directed and edited by Jeffrey Nils Gardner.

[Malik]

Our show art is by Carly Fairbanks.

[Unknown]

And our Bangin theme song is Falling in Love at the End of the World by Olivia and the Lovers.

[Malik]

World Gone Wrong is produced and created by Jeffrey Nils Gardner and Eleanor Hyde.

[Unknown]

This is a production of Audacious Machine Creative.

[Jamie]

The fable and folly network where fiction producers flourish.