Podcast Summary: Therapy and Theology Episode: Bonus: How To Move On When Someone Walks Away
Release Date: July 18, 2024
Hosts: Lysa TerKeurst, Jim Cress, Dr. Joel Muddamalle

Introduction and Context

In this insightful bonus episode of Therapy and Theology, host Lysa TerKeurst teams up with Jim Cress, a licensed professional counselor, and Dr. Joel Muddamalle, Director of Theological Research at Proverbs 31 Ministries, to explore the challenging topic of moving on when someone walks away. The conversation delves deep into understanding unhealthy relationship dynamics, establishing healthy boundaries, and integrating theological perspectives with therapeutic practices.

Recognizing Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

The episode begins with Lysa addressing the aftermath of disappointing relationships, emphasizing that healing isn't about merely getting over situations but learning to work through them. Lysa highlights common issues such as denial over the severity or recurring patterns in relationships.

Lysa TerKeurst [00:05]: "Sometimes we can be in denial over the severity of a situation, or we can be in denial over the fact that it's not just isolated instances or a mistake, but rather it really is a pattern."

The Role of Boundaries and Consequences

Jim Cress expands on the necessity of setting firm boundaries in relationships. He distinguishes between being unable to continue unhealthy dynamics ("I can't") and making a conscious decision to set boundaries ("I won't"). The conversation underscores that boundaries should come with clear consequences to ensure they are respected.

Jim Cress [04:05]: "A boundary without a consequence is a bad suggestion... It is to keep me safe and throw in agape love."

Lysa concurs, noting the importance of viewing boundaries as tools for maintaining healthy and respectful relationships rather than as punishments.

Lysa TerKeurst [03:43]: "At that point where we shift from I can't do this to I won't do this, that person is positioning themselves to have healthy boundaries and to keep them consistently because they've already decided boundaries are necessary."

Seeking Counsel and Professional Help

The hosts discuss the critical role of seeking wise counsel when navigating toxic relationships. Jim emphasizes the value of professional counseling, not just for diagnosing issues like narcissism but for providing strategies to rebuild trust and set healthy boundaries.

Jim Cress [13:19]: "Just ask yourself quietly, in your prayer closet, in your car, as you're driving, am I honoring God, God's word, my relationship with God."

Lysa adds that finding a Christian counselor trained in specific relational dynamics can be instrumental in addressing and overcoming unhealthy patterns.

Lysa TerKeurst [21:22]: "We hope that this will be the appetizer, but that you will also find some wise Christian counselor that can speak into whatever dynamic is feeding that unhealth in your relationship."

Identifying Toxic Traits: Narcissism, Gaslighting, Codependency

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on identifying toxic traits such as narcissism, gaslighting, and codependency. Jim explains that understanding these behaviors helps individuals recognize patterns that may be detrimental to their well-being.

Jim Cress [16:40]: "They are trying to mess with your mind. They actually know your truth is right."

Lysa shares her personal journey in understanding these terms and how professional guidance helped her navigate complex relationship dynamics.

Lysa TerKeurst [16:47]: "I wouldn't have known the term gaslighting... it's like unhealthy patterns, but sometimes there are bigger issues here."

Theological Insights on Unity and Relationships

Dr. Joel Muddamalle brings a theological perspective, drawing parallels between divine unity and human relationships. He emphasizes that relationships should aim for harmony and unity, much like the relationship within the Trinity.

Joel Muddamalle [09:17]: "One of the basic tenets of our faith... it's God's three in one. We've got the Father, God, the Son, God, the Holy Spirit, that are in perfect unity."

Lysa echoes this sentiment, advocating for relationships that align with biblical wisdom and promote mutual respect and love.

Lysa TerKeurst [10:49]: "The Bible gives us where to sing, set our heart... that is biblical wisdom. So this isn't just opinions, this isn't just feelings. This is. God is saying, this is wise and this is unwise."

Practical Advice for Moving On

The hosts offer practical steps for those struggling to move on from unhealthy relationships. Jim advises individuals to:

1. Believe What You See: Trust your observations about the relationship's dynamics.
2. Seek Counsel: Engage with trusted friends, family, or professional counselors.
3. Set Clear Boundaries: Define what is acceptable and the consequences for crossing those boundaries.
4. Assess Safety and Well-being: Honestly evaluate how the relationship affects your sense of safety and mental health.

Jim Cress [15:44]: "A good therapist is... to say, here are some of the signs. What do you relate to? Give it back."

Dr. Joel reinforces the importance of pursuing unity and harmony, even when it feels challenging, drawing inspiration from scriptural teachings on relationships.

Joel Muddamalle [12:44]: "Redemption, true, authentic redemption requires a heart change and a change of actions and behavior."

Conclusion and Encouragement

In wrapping up the episode, Lysa encourages listeners to seek out further episodes of Therapy and Theology for deeper dives into related topics. She emphasizes the importance of combining both therapeutic and theological approaches to address and heal from unhealthy relationships.

Lysa TerKeurst [21:22]: "This isn't about shoving other people away or labeling other people. Right. This isn't about leaving people. This is about loving people well."

Jim adds a final note on normalizing therapy within the Christian community, making it a standard part of seeking personal and relational growth.

Jim Cress [21:16]: "Seriously, I say to take weird out of therapy. Just take it. Make it normal."

Dr. Joel joins in, reinforcing the holistic approach to therapy and theology as complementary tools for fostering healthy, unified relationships.

This episode of Therapy and Theology serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals grappling with the pain of moving on from unhealthy relationships. By intertwining professional counseling insights with theological wisdom, Lysa, Jim, and Joel provide listeners with practical strategies and spiritual encouragement to navigate their emotional and relational challenges effectively.