Therapy & Theology: Are There Some People We Shouldn’t Trust Again?
Season 7, Episode 4
Release Date: October 10, 2024
Hosts: Lysa TerKeurst, Jim Cress, Dr. Joel Muddamalle
Introduction: The Foundation of Trust
[01:29] Lysa TerKeurst opens the episode by emphasizing the critical role trust plays in all human relationships. Drawing from her book "I Want to Trust You, but I Don't," Lysa articulates the profound impact of broken trust:
"Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships. A relationship without trust is a relationship without vulnerability and depth." [01:35]
She highlights that trust isn't limited to romantic relationships but extends to friendships, family, and even workplace dynamics. The episode sets out to explore how to navigate broken trust, determine when mistrust is warranted, and understand the process of repair if possible.
The Depth of Broken Trust and Betrayal
Lysa delves into the emotional turmoil that betrayal brings, describing it as a transformation of a safe space into a "house of horrors" [02:00]. She shares her personal fear of risking relationships due to past betrayals and raises pivotal questions:
- What do we do with our shattered trust?
- Is repairing broken trust feasible?
- What does the repair process entail?
Disclosure vs. Discovery: Understanding the Difference
[06:23] Jim Cress introduces the concepts of disclosure and discovery in the context of betrayal:
- Disclosure: When the betrayer voluntarily and honestly admits their wrongdoing.
- Discovery: When the betrayal is uncovered by the betrayed, often leading to additional layers of hurt and mistrust.
Jim underscores the importance of disclosure for a quicker and more hopeful path to repair:
"A disclosure, while still incredibly painful, sets the relationship up for a much quicker and maybe even a higher possibility of repair." [07:07]
[08:44] Dr. Joel Muddamalle shares a lighthearted yet insightful story involving his daughter’s Oreo escapade to illustrate how discovery (finding Oreos on his daughter) versus disclosure (her admitting to eating them) affects trust. This anecdote underscores the broader impact of sin as a communal issue, not just an individual one.
Steps to Repair Broken Trust
Lysa outlines a comprehensive list for repairing broken trust, tailored for significant betrayals. She emphasizes personalizing the steps based on the severity of the breach:
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Full Disclosure: Ensuring complete honesty to prevent further discoveries.
"If we need a detail, then fine, ask for it. But the details just compounded my hurt." [18:00]
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Taking Responsibility: The betrayer must acknowledge their actions without deflecting blame.
"They need to take responsibility for what they've done." [19:36]
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Seeking to Understand the Impact: It's crucial for the betrayer to recognize and validate the hurt caused.
"I recognize how much this has hurt you." [20:00]
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Making Restitution: While not always possible to fix everything, the betrayer should find ways to make amends.
"They need to seek ways to make restitution." [33:31]
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Establishing New Patterns: Both parties must develop new behaviors and support systems to prevent future breaches.
"They need to establish new patterns in their life that will support them making improvements." [34:05]
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Consistency and Accountability: Demonstrating reliable behavior over time is essential for rebuilding trust.
"Follow through on the small things starts to lay that new track record." [35:31]
Theological Insights on Healing and Trust
[28:15] Lysa integrates theological perspectives, referencing scriptures to provide hope and a framework for understanding healing:
- Psalm 51: Emphasizes a broken and contrite heart being acceptable to God.
- Jesus’ Resurrection: Illustrates that wounds are both evidence of pain and the victory of Christ.
Dr. Joel Muddamalle expands on this, explaining that Scripture consistently presents a pattern of "rips and repairs," demonstrating that pain and healing coexist:
"There are rips, and there are repairs, and yes, it takes time, and yes, it takes believable behavior." [29:45]
Personal Stories and Healing Journeys
Lysa shares her journey through heartbreak and remarriage, highlighting how her new husband, Chaz, embodies the principles discussed:
"If it takes you nine miles to go in, it's gonna take you nine miles to come out." [32:53]
"His new patterns became a new operating system for him and a natural way now of doing things." [35:21]
Chaz's commitment to recovery and establishing healthy routines serves as a testament to the possibility of rebuilding trust after significant betrayal.
Final Thoughts: Choosing Wise Trust
The episode concludes with a reflective narrative from an anonymous voice, emphasizing the wisdom in discerning when to trust:
"Sometimes distrust is actually the wisest choice you can make... ultimately what we're after is wise trust." [37:49]
Lysa reiterates that repairing trust is deeply personal and encourages listeners to consider their unique circumstances:
"This repair work is going to be deeply personal to you, your unique needs... It is possible to repair broken trust with the right person, with the right attitude and with the right tools." [37:00]
Conclusion
In this episode of Therapy & Theology, Lysa TerKeurst, alongside Jim Cress and Dr. Joel Muddamalle, provides a compassionate and comprehensive exploration of trust, betrayal, and the arduous yet hopeful path to healing. Through personal anecdotes, theological insights, and practical steps, the conversation offers valuable guidance for anyone grappling with trust issues in their relationships.
Notable Quotes:
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Lysa TerKeurst
"Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships." [01:35]
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Jim Cress
"A disclosure, while still incredibly painful, sets the relationship up for a much quicker and maybe even a higher possibility of repair." [07:07]
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Dr. Joel Muddamalle
"Sin is always corporate, it's always communal. Sin always has an impact." [14:21]
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Lysa TerKeurst
"This repair work is going to be deeply personal to you, your unique needs... It is possible to repair broken trust with the right person, with the right attitude and with the right tools." [37:00]
Resources Mentioned:
- Book: I Want to Trust You, but I Don't by Lysa TerKeurst.
- Podcast Series: Therapy & Theology by Proverbs 31 Ministries.
- Free Resource: "When the person who hurt you got away with it. Three days to moving forward" – Available via the show notes.
Note: This summary focuses solely on the content-rich segments of the podcast, omitting advertisements, introductions, and other non-essential sections as per the request.