“I FOUND MY DISTANT DAD”

Summary

Therapy Gecko: "I FOUND MY DISTANT DAD"

Podcast: Therapy Gecko (iHeartPodcasts)
Date: September 28, 2025
Host: Lyle (aka "Gecko")
Episode Theme:
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about life, relationships, existential dread, and the absurdity of existence. In this episode, callers tackle estranged family, navigating adulthood, personal challenges, reconnecting with siblings post-prison, and finding hope amidst an overwhelming world.

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Main Callers & Their Stories

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1. Josh: Reaching Out to a Distant Father

[03:17–29:56]

Key Points:

• Background: Josh grew up estranged from his father, only meeting him twice in his childhood. After years of no contact and his father's disappearance from social media, Josh recently found him again on Facebook.
  • “My dad hasn't been a part of my life ever since I was a baby... I found him on Facebook and added him as a friend, and he added me back and everything. And I just don't really know where to go or what to say.” — Josh [03:45]
• Initiating Contact: Josh messaged his father to let him know he was now a grandfather.
• Complicated Feelings:
  • His mother strongly discouraged the reconnection, underlining her negative view of Josh’s father due to past abuse.
  • Josh struggles between curiosity and loyalty: "All the memories I have of him are bad...but I know people change, and I just don't feel like it's right for me not to at least reach out to him, try to get his side of the story now that I'm an adult." [05:50]
• Hopes & No Expectations:
  • Josh says he’s cautious, harboring curiosity more than expectation: "I don't even really expect him to respond. I didn't even expect him to add me back on Facebook." [08:21]
• Navigating Fatherhood:
  • Josh supports his young family while working late-night truck shifts. He reflects on the challenges of raising children now, financial strains, and the fast pace of life:
    "Kids... change your life, dude. Like, I feel like I went from...having different perspectives on life to...little humans that I have to work and provide for...that kind of gives you like a purpose in life." [15:16]
• Time & Adulthood:
  • The passage of time feels accelerated, and Josh grapples with the sense of growing older faster because of routine and responsibility:
    "It's like you blink your eyes, and time just goes by, dude. And it's hard to try to, like, hold on to memories or cherish the little moments." [20:25]
• Preserving Memory:
  • Inspired by ChatGPT (as previously discussed on the show), Josh receives advice to consciously mark positive moments to remember them:
    "It was basically just saying...remember this conversation that I had with it, and to think back to that whenever one of those moments are happening." [22:38]
  • Both discuss the possibility of journaling, even in bullet points, to anchor memories and give reality to fleeting days.
• Intimacy of Anonymous Conversation:
  • Josh chooses not to reveal his real name, feeling that using a pseudonym is both a shield and a barrier:
    "It’d feel more like...I'm not just hiding behind a mask." [25:59]

Notable Quotes:

• “Every day is the same, time flows by fast. But if you find a way to break through your routine, you kind of remember a little bit more.” — Gecko [22:04]
• “I'm inspired by that. He's got a good head on his shoulders, doing a good thing...It’s a noble thing to have people in your life who need you to not die.” — Gecko, reflecting on Josh [30:39]

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2. Lena: Juggling Family, Loss, and a Brother’s Return

[34:00–47:51]

Key Points:

• Life Changes:
  • Lena, recent high school graduate and new cosmetology school student, is about to have her older brother—recently released from prison—move in.
  • She struggles with complicated feelings: gratitude for still having a brother after losing another, but frustration at his messy habits and jerkishness.
• Family Dynamics:
  • “I have three brothers. One of them passed away, and so now I’m having to be extra thankful for my other brother. So I’m kind of trying not to be mad...” [38:37]
  • On sharing a space with her brother: “As a housekeeper, I am very particular about how I keep my living area, specifically, like, my bathroom.” [39:38]
• Estrangement & Hope for Change:
  • Lena's other living brother is essentially estranged (“He’s like bald and stuff, and he has a kid...I don’t talk to him because he’s bald?” [41:07]), revealing some humor in her detachment.
  • She wonders if her brother has changed post-prison, especially since past meth addiction and being "very rude" before.
  • “My mom thinks that he has [changed]...he seems a lot more normal than he was. I mean, I can say this, I think. Yeah, I think so. He was like, addicted to meth and stuff...” [45:43]

Notable Moments:

• Lighthearted bickering about family, brothers being “dick wads,” and sibling ages.
• Quick, candid emotional swings between hope (“I do feel that way. Let me think. I do feel that way.” [42:35]) and resignation.
• Lena’s humor in handling seriousness: “He’s like bald and stuff...You don’t talk to him because he’s bald?” [41:07]
• Lena’s parting: “Thank you, brother. Thank you. I appreciate that. I've been listening since middle school, so this is awesome.” [47:27]

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3. Coffee: Existential Dread, Love, and Living Despite the World

[51:00–80:01]

Key Points:

• Personal/World Divide:
  • Coffee expresses a sharp split: “In my life, a lot is going great, but then, like, in the world, it seems like everything kind of sucks.” [51:06]
• Existential Anxiety:
  • Expresses dread over global issues, government hostility, and safety as a queer person in America; partner is trans; fear of the future.
  • Gecko discusses his “non-dismissive” view that suffering and disaster have always existed, and that realizing this can paradoxically help make sense of fear.
    “For as long as we've been around, you can point to, you know, terrible things...It's not dismissive, I say it to be hopeful...” [51:59, 53:03]
• Refusing to Surrender to Dread:
  • Coffee recounts personal progress after deep depression, recent move-in with his partner, dreams of moving to Germany, but their joy is often clouded by anxiety and doom-laden headlines.
  • “I want to go to Germany with him because he’s the love of my life...I love him so much...” [60:54]
  • “But the people running the systems of our, like, world, the airport, government might not let that happen because of stupid culture war issues...” [61:01]
• Gecko’s Advice on Resistance:
  • The host emphasizes refusing to let doomscrolling and social media "steal" one’s precious attention and sanity:
    “The best form of resistance… is: 'I draw the line at my own sanity. I’m gonna put the phone down, I’m gonna go to the DIY music show… in a form of existential spite, try to enjoy my life…’ That’s how I’m gonna resist.” [74:36–77:03]
• Creative Spark & Identity:
  • Coffee laments losing momentum in music after traumatic event at a show.
  • Gecko urges protecting one’s spark and carving out space for joy as a defiant act—prompting real gratitude from the caller:
    “I really needed to hear that. I knew it subconsciously...but I appreciate you kind of telling me in the way you did.” [77:44]

Notable Quotes:

• “When you’re spiraling, it’s like, people are—the most engaging emotions are fear and anger, and all the companies...curate a daily thing where we can go and spiral.” — Gecko [77:03]
• “You have a nice life, you really do...just don’t let it take you out of your life for too long.” — Gecko [78:18]
• “Keep your head up, keep going. Even though life might suck outside...don’t let it interrupt your personal life.” — Coffee [79:38]

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Recurring Themes & Insights

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Intergenerational Trauma & Breaking Cycles

• Both Josh and Lena grapple directly with family trauma—cycles of absence, abuse, or addiction.
• There’s a clear thread of trying to “break the cycle,” especially in Josh’s determination to be a better parent and Lena’s conflicted generosity toward her returning brother.

The Fast-Motion of Adulthood

• Time seems to accelerate once adult responsibilities—especially parenthood—set in.
• Journaling, mindfulness, and now even reminders from AI (ChatGPT) are suggested tools to resist the blur.

Anxiety vs. Action in a Difficult World

• Coffee’s dilemma is highly relatable: balancing personal fulfillment and activism/awareness, without being overwhelmed.
• Gecko repeatedly urges listeners to guard their peace, focus on tangible joys, and not let constant doom further erode their wellbeing.

Humor as Survival Mechanism

• Lena’s wry delivery about family, messes, and “bald” estranged brothers adds lightness to deep strains in her story.
• Gecko’s playful, self-deprecating tone sets the atmosphere for openness and resilience.

The Value of Telling Your Story (Even Anonymously)

• Both Josh and Coffee use pseudonyms, feeling vulnerable even in this friendly space. Yet, sharing with a stranger (and audience) provides comfort, perspective, and a kind of invisible solidarity.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “I know people change, and I just don't feel like it's right for me to not at least, like, reach out to him, try to get his side of the story now that I'm an adult.” — Josh [06:14]
• “Every day is the same, time flows by fast. But if you find a way to break through your routine, you kind of remember a little bit more.” — Gecko [22:04]
• “It’d feel more like...I'm not just hiding behind, like a mask, you know, just talking to a random person that gave you a fake name.” — Josh [25:59]
• “You don’t talk to him because he’s bald?” — Gecko, laughing with Lena [41:07]
• “He's just a huge dick wad is how I would describe him.” — Lena [40:12]
• “It's like you blink your eyes, and time just goes by, dude.” — Josh [20:25]
• “For as long as we've been around, you can point to dictatorships and...atrocities...we're just dealing with… the horrible things going on at this very moment...everything motherfucking happened in the universe is unprecedented.” — Gecko [51:59, 54:04]
• “The best form of resistance is...drawing the line at my own sanity...” — Gecko [74:36–77:03]
• “Don’t let it take you out of your life for too long—just understand you have a nice life.” — Gecko [78:18]
• “Even though life might suck outside, don’t let it interrupt your personal life…” — Coffee [79:38]

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Notable Timestamps for Key Transitions

• [03:17–29:56] — Josh discusses reconnecting with his estranged dad and fatherhood.
• [34:00–47:51] — Lena confronts the return of her brother from prison and family dynamics.
• [51:00–80:01] — Coffee unpacks existential dread, hope, and balancing personal vs. social anxiety.

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Overall Tone & Takeaway

This episode embodies Therapy Gecko’s unique mix of candid honesty, existential reflection, wry humor, and compassion. Each caller’s story unfolds freely, with Gecko providing sincere empathy, gently questioning, and just enough Gecko-brand absurdity.
The unspoken message: whatever chaos and heartbreak swirl in the universe, the act of telling your story—and choosing small daily joys—matters. "Living well is a form of resistance."

Transcript

[Lena]

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[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Hello.

[Josh]

Hello.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What's up, man? What's your name?

[Josh]

I guess I'll use the name Josh.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Josh. I like it. What's. What's going on with you, Josh?

[Josh]

Not much, dude. Just hanging out, watching my kids. My wife is still asleep. I just got off work a couple hours ago. So.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What is it that made you want to call into my gecko show today?

[Josh]

Yeah, so I. So basically, my dad hasn't been a part of my life ever since I was a baby. I think, like, the first time I saw him, I was 12. And then the second time was when I was 17. And then I had no contact with him up until I was about 18 or 19. So like a year after. And then he went completely dark, like, deleted his Facebook. I couldn't find him anywhere. Me and my wife ended up having a baby, and there was no way for me to tell him that he was a grandfather. So after about, like, five years and 24 now, I found him on Facebook and Adam added him as a friend, and he added me back and everything. And I just don't really know, like, where to go or what to say.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Did you. Did you message him or did he message you?

[Josh]

So I, like, kind of, like, stalked his Facebook a little bit. Not gonna lie. I, like, look through all his photos and everything. And I guess he did the same because he liked a photo of me and my son. So I sent him a message basically saying, like, oh, you know, I guess you got to it before I could tell you, like, surprise. Your grandfather sent this long message to him maybe an hour ago. He hasn't responded yet or anything, but. Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Wow. Interesting. What. How. How long was it that you said that he. Yeah. You'd seen him Five years?

[Josh]

Yeah. Since I've talked to him. Yeah. I haven't seen him in, like, I don't even know how long.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Was there, like, a reason why you didn't. Well, yeah. Was there, like, a reason why you didn't talk to him?

[Josh]

Well, my mom always painted him as, like, this horrible person. And there is, like, some stuff that I remember from my past, like, maybe when I was, like, a little bit older than my son, like 3 years old of him, like. Like breaking into the trailer that we lived in and, like, hitting her and stuff and the cops being called. So, like, I have some bad memories. All the memories that I have of him are bad.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Josh]

But I know, like, even I've made mistakes as a father. Maybe not to that extent, but I know that people change, and I just don't feel like it's right for me to not at least, like, reach out to him, try to get his side of the story now that I'm an adult and I have, like, a full. I feel like I have a. Not a full grasp on life, but maybe a better understanding.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Well. Yeah. That curiosity makes sense for you to want to follow. For sure. All right. How do you. Yeah. How do you feel about following that curiosity?

[Josh]

Well, I don't know, because I told my mom about it yesterday, and she was pretty. Like. Like. Oh, I. I don't. Like, that's a waste of time. I don't know why you would do that. Like, that's. That's stupid. You know, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't reach out to him. You know, He. He wasn't there. What makes you think he's gonna be there now? Like, type of thing. Like, kind of like the whole. The whole thing that she's been telling me my entire life about him. Like, he's not worth talking to. He's not worth even, like, wasting your breath on.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Are you? But you're not really. You're not. It doesn't sound like going into this with any kind of expectations.

[Josh]

No, No, I don't have any expectations. I mean, I guess I have, like, a little bit of hope to, like, maybe build a relationship with him or. I. I don't. I don't really. I don't know, dude. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want out of this, dude. I'm just. I guess I'm just curious.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Right. Right. Yeah. What do you. What if the interaction went perfectly? How would it go?

[Josh]

I guess he would just respond. And I. I don't. That's. That's a pretty hard question.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

That's good, though. That's actually.

[Josh]

That's good.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I feel like it's good that you can't answer that because that means you have no expectations.

[Josh]

Right?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You know?

[Josh]

Yeah. I mean, I don't even really expect him to respond. I don't even expect him to read it. I didn't even, like, Geck. I didn't even expect him to add me back on Facebook. I was surprised when he added me on Facebook because I, like, searched. I just got like this. I don't know what happened, but like, I just got like this spark in me. I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna look his name up on Facebook because I've white paged his name, done all that, like, try to find his phone number and stuff, but couldn't. So I was like, you know, I'm just gonna look him up on Facebook this one time. And then I came across him.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

How are things going with your family?

[Josh]

They're good. I mean, money's tight like always, but that's about to be fixed. My wife is going. She just did like a four month, like accelerated course for a pharmacy technician.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Cool.

[Josh]

And she's doing her externship in October. So it's a month of like no pay, 40 hours a week.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Whoa.

[Josh]

And yeah. So then after that, then she can get a job and then financial wise, it'll be good. But I mean, honestly, with the way the world is right now, it's kind of scary to be raising kids.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, I feel that. I understand that. Yeah. But I was thinking about that shit in terms of, like, by the time, like, my kids are like adults because I don't have kids, but I want to at some point. But like, I feel like by the time that they're adults, you know, that we're going to live in a. The. The generational gap between worlds gets like more exponential, I think, between generations and shit. So I get, I get, I get freaked out about that, you know? But I don't know, sometimes. I don't know, man. Sometimes, like, I'll walk around in New York and I'll see like fucking kids playing at a playground or something and I'm like, all right, well, we'll. We'll figure this out somehow, you know?

[Josh]

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Kids are definitely. Are definitely not easy. And then I think the same thing, like whenever my kids are my age, like, how. How's the world going to be? But I mean, maybe. Maybe my parents thought the same way. Maybe that's just part of being an adult. You see how shitty things can really get.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Well, it's funny, I mean, imagine like trying to explain what Web3 is to, like an 83 year old, you know what I mean?

[Josh]

I don't even know what web3 is, dude.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I don't. I don't even know what web3 is, but there's some fucking 13 year old who's like making a billion dollars off of it. You know what I Mean, like, we're all gonna be.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Doing, you know, whatever the. Whatever the. That, like, our kids are gonna be, like, making their living off of or doing with their life is gonna be as beyond us as it is, you know? Yeah, it's gonna. It's gonna be. It's gonna be beyond us for sure.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Definitely A little spooky, but I guess that's good. I guess that's what. I guess that's what you want. You want the next generation to. And to create things that you don't understand.

[Josh]

Yeah, but I also. Yeah, one second. I'm on the phone also, like, sorry, I'll let you.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I'll let you finish your piece, but if you gotta attend to your kid, we can. It's. That's okay.

[Josh]

No, no, I. I definitely. I want to talk to you. I listen to you. Like, I. I load trucks. Hold on one second. I load trucks for UPS in the middle of the night. I go to work at, like, 2:00am I load trucks for like, six hours straight. And I've listened. I've almost listened to every single one of your podcast podcasts since you started.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Cool.

[Josh]

And I've. And I've, like. I've literally only started listening, like, maybe two or three or four months ago.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Oh, cool. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, bro. Thanks for, like, that's. That makes me happy hearing that there's, you know, a new. A new person coming in, listening to the whole thing.

[Josh]

Yeah. So it's wild that I'm, like, on the phone with you, because usually, like, you're just in my headphones and I'm listening to you talking to people, and now you're talking to me, and it's just, like, crazy.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Wait, what's your kid doing right now? She seems to want your attention.

[Josh]

My son's sitting in a wagon with a truck, and my daughter's standing up trying to grab the truck from him.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What's your. What's your wife doing? She at work?

[Josh]

She's sleeping. Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, I'm trying to have. For the future.

[Josh]

Yeah, it's that. How old are you? You're like 20. You're like 26, right?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

27. Yeah.

[Josh]

27, man. How does that. How's that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

How's being Toy? How's being 27?

[Josh]

Yeah. Do you feel any different?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You're what, you're 24?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Well, you're more of an. You're. You're way more of an adult than I am, you know?

[Josh]

Yeah. Dude, you're honestly lucky that you don't have kids, because the craziest thing happened. My wife woke me up at midnight last night. Right? Midnight. She woke me up dead. Dead asleep. I'm like, what, What. What's going on? She brings me out of the living room. My son spilled. But so, like, my. I built a desktop recently, like a little budget build and like maybe two months ago, and my son spilled lemonade through the top all over the CPU cooler and the graphics card.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Josh]

And my wife didn't know how to open the computer and try to, like, get it out so it end up dry. It's dried now, so it's all, like, goopy and I. I'm lost.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Oh, no.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Do you. Do you still think it was worth it?

[Josh]

Kids?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Yeah, man. 100. They change your life, dude. Like, I feel like I went from, like, I. I don't know, dude. I went from being like a little kid or, like, having this. Different perspectives on life to, like, having.

[Coffee]

These.

[Josh]

Little humans that I have to, like, work and provide for, like, no matter what. Like, no matter what, I have to work and I have to provide for them. And that kind of gives you like a. Like a purpose in life.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Totally.

[Josh]

Like. Like whenever I think, like, oh, you know, what the am I doing? Going to work every day, doing the same thing at a job that I don't really like, you know, like, I'm doing it for them at the end of the day, so I always have that to hold on to.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure it gives you a strong sense of purpose.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Let's see. How does being 27 feel? I feel like I'm. I feel. I actually still feel like I'm 16.

[Josh]

You still feel like you're 16?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, definitely. Well, yeah, I feel like I'm. Well, not 16. I probably feel like I'm like 21.

[Josh]

I feel that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Dude, how old do you feel?

[Josh]

Honestly? I still feel like I can't. Whenever I say 24. I feel disgusting.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Really? 24. So, yeah, I mean, I think. I mean, I think both of us are still pretty young. Although I get worried since I get worried about, like, what my life is going to be like when I'm in like, my 30s and 40s and 50s. Like, I think that scares me, you know, because, like, I don't. I can't know it, Right. But then I see people, then I talk to people and I see people who are that old and they're not freaking out.

[Josh]

They're.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

They're living life. They're still doing stuff. They're still here.

[Josh]

Yeah. I feel like it Just. I feel like life just goes on. Like you just get older. I don't feel like you're. Your feelings really. I mean, like, yeah, your feelings change. Maybe you change as a person, but like that kid inside of you is still there. I feel like that. That really never goes away. Like you're gonna never feel like, old, like, you know what I mean? And maybe whenever you're 60, you. You still might feel 21.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, I hope so. I think. I think it's like a bit of a. It's a bit of a choice, I think, is as to kind of like a mindset you want to have, you know?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Sometimes I. Sometimes I lose that battle, though. Sometimes I feel old. Sometimes I feel like, like, yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm. Sometimes I feel like I'm 21. In this very moment as I'm talking to you, I feel like I'm. I feel like young, but sometimes I feel like I'm like 74 and I'm like, I'm. Sometimes I feel like a Mr. Me seeks. You know what I mean?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Like I'm like, oh, fuck, we. I, you know, I have. I'm ready to. I'm ready to. You know, we did it.

[Josh]

Right. But if you feel. I mean, if you feel like you're 74 out, how would you know what, how would you know what that feels like? What would it just be like more of like a. What do you feel in that time that you feel like you're 74 is like worn down, tired?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I feel like that, yeah. But that's how I imagine. I feel 74 to be. But also, I mean, age is. Age is even like a man made thing. I mean, you just kind of exist and then you die. There's nothing I could really. I mean, there's a few things, I guess theoretically that I could. I can't think of any major things that I can do now that I can't do when I'm like 60. Maybe like go to. Maybe it's just about like how you're. How you're perceived differently and whatnot. But like, I don't know, most of the shit that I think I would want to do, I could, I could just keep doing. You know, it's just about whether or not you want to give up. But as you get older, I think you just get. You get a little bit more tired if you let, if you let it, if you let that happen, though. But I think it's important to not let that happen and, you know, maintain vitality Just mentally. Just mentally feeling like, you know, but you're. You're. Because you have kids, you're so deeply in life every day is what I imagine. I don't know if you feel that way, but, like, you don't, because, like, I feel like you correct me if I'm wrong, but seems like you don't have time to wax poetic about how it might feel when you're this and that because, you know, you got shit to do. You got people to feed.

[Josh]

Yeah, dude. Like, I don't know how it feels to not to not have kids because I don't really remember what that feels like. Even though it's only been two years. But, like, I feel like, dude, the days and, like, the weeks, even the months just go by so fast.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Really?

[Josh]

And, like, yeah, dude, like. Like, I blink my eyes. I can't even. I don't even know how. It's almost the end of 2025. I feel like I still remember January of 2025. Like. Like it was yesterday, right? Like. Like, I blink my eyes like my. Like, whenever my son was born. Dude, I swear, that wasn't two years ago. That, like, completely blows my mind that that was two years ago. It's like, you blink your eyes, and time just goes by, dude. And I feel like it's hard to try to, like, hold on to, like, memories or, like, cherish, like, the little moments with them or, like, cherish moments with my wife, because it's so. Just so like, involved in life and, like, work and just, like, trying to provide in, like, survival mode, just, like, you know.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Right.

[Josh]

How. How are we gonna do this? This is how we're gonna do it. And it's like that every single day just, you know, so it's hard to hold on to that. And I feel like that's what makes time go by fast, because you're so preoccupied with everything else that's going on around you, all the everything else that you have to deal with.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

[Josh]

Not. Not saying that not having kids would make life any easier.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

No, no, I know, but I know. You mean, though, like, when you are. Like, when you get into, like, a strong routine, time goes by very fast.

[Josh]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Anytime.

[Josh]

When every day is the same and.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, when every day is the same, time flows by fast. But if. Yeah, if you find a way to break through your routine, like, you kind of remember a little bit more.

[Josh]

Yeah, actually, I actually told Chat GTP about this because I heard him on your podcast for me from maybe a Couple years ago that you were using, you tried using Chat GTP as a therapist. So I was like, yeah, yeah. And. And it actually gave me, like, a pretty cool, like, little, like, tip, I guess you could say.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. What did you say?

[Josh]

It was like, I was just telling it how, like, I find it hard to remember times, you know, of, like, good moments with my kids. Like, like, yeah, I remember them being born, their first steps, like, stuff like that, but like something that I did to make them laugh. Like, no, like little. Little moments to hold on to. And it was basically just saying to remember this, conversate the conversation that I had with it, and to think back to that whenever one of those moments are happening. Like whenever I do something that makes them laugh either. Like, maybe this conversation will make you think back and then you'll try to hold on to that memory and cherish it so then you don't just, you know, get it mixed up with all the other that's going on and just end up forgetting it.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, I. I think, yeah. Make a note of is important. Like, journaling. Writing down makes you feel like your life actually existed in some way, shape or form.

[Josh]

Right.

[Coffee]

I've actually.

[Josh]

I've actually. I did that whenever I was a kid. I had a journal, but I really never stuck with it.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Would you think about it? Would you think about getting back into it? You know, not even like. Not even as like a daily practice, but just like, you know, whenever you can. It does make life feel more real.

[Josh]

Really.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Josh]

Yeah. Dude, I've. I've never done that in my adult life. I haven't tried that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Do you just, like, write about, like, how how your day went or how your life.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, yeah, I used to write every. I used to. I mean, I journal all the time a lot, but I used to, like. I used to meticulously journal everything I did. Like, in long. I would like everything I did where I went to eat that day, you know, or like, who I talked to. Yeah, I used to meticulously, like when I was in college, I was meticulously journaling. Now I do it sometimes, but I lost it along the way. And I do feel like when I stopped doing that is when time started going faster because everything felt like it was just a. Another, like, thing on the road to whatever the main thing is. But then you realize that it's all the main thing. And so the. But the more you write down, the more, you know. Yeah, that shit just goes into your memory and then you look back and you can like, actually, you can, like, read your life a little bit. You know, you could be like, hey, I talked to my kid about. Especially because you have, like, young kids, you know, like, they're saying shit. Maybe they. They want to. You want to remember when they're asking you about it later or doing. You want to remember, you know, and it doesn't have to be a huge chore, you know, just bullets, I think, is good sometimes, you know?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Sorry. Go ahead.

[Josh]

Go ahead. Oh, no, I was just gonna say, whenever I think of journaling, I think of writing these big, huge paragraphs.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

No, no, you just bullet, if that's what you got time for.

[Josh]

That's interesting. I'll have to give that a shot.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You say you said your name is Josh, or that was your. I know. It was a fake name.

[Josh]

Yeah, it's a fake name. I. I wish. I wish I could use my real name. I want to, but I'm not going to.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

That's. That's okay. That's okay. Why do you wish you could use your real name?

[Josh]

I don't know. Because I just feel. It'd feel more like. Like. I don't. I don't know. That's a good question. It feel more like. Like I'm not just hiding behind, like, a mask, you know, just talking to a random person that gave you a fake name.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I don't. Why? Well, we are both talking to a random person that we don't know. There's no hiding behind that. But. Yeah.

[Josh]

Yeah, but for me. For me, it feels like, in a way I know. I don't. I have no idea who you are, but I know your. Your Persona online, so in a way, I feel like I know.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Josh]

But in reality, I don't.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You've. Well, yeah, I mean, it's as if. It's as if we have. It is a little bit as if we have spent 500 hours together.

[Josh]

Yes. Several. Several hours.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Which is enough time to get to know someone, you know, in a sense.

[Josh]

Right.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

It's kind of weird.

[Josh]

Yeah. It's got to be weird for you. I. I couldn't even imagine, like, having a large following and then people talking to me that I've never met before, like. Like they know me.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

But I. But I. But it's a. Here's a weird thing. I almost. I know. I know you via what you know about me, and I know you via what I know about you from the past 20 minutes. So we can combine that. Those two. I can combine those two informations enough for us to have this conversation. I know this is getting kind of meta, but, you know, I guess I like it, dude. Cool, man. Well, I'm. Well, listen, but here's the thing. Regardless of what. I appreciate you sharing your story. Regardless of what happens with, you know, your dad on Facebook, I'm really happy to hear that, you know, you're a great fucking dad and that you're enjoying raising a family. And the things. Things seem like they're. They're going well for you, man. So, you know, congratulations on, you know, we had that guy Tripp. We had our boy Tripp talking on the podcast like, a week or so ago about, you know, breaking. Breaking the cycle and trying to be a good dad. So, you know, glad to hear another one out there doing that shit, you know, it's a noble thing to do. So I appreciate you doing that and sharing your story about it.

[Josh]

Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate you giving me a call. Out of probably the hundreds of texts that you've gotten, this. The first, I think is, well, this would be the second time that I've tried to call you.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Now I've only got people. I've gotten about. How many texts do I have, right? I got about. I got about 10.

[Josh]

About 10. Well, shit. Shit, that's still. That's still. I still feel lucky.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Chris, man, is there anything else you want to say? The people, the computer before we go?

[Josh]

Well, you know, I. A couple years. You said some. A couple years ago that you hate when people. Or you wish that people wouldn't give advice, so.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Oh, forget it. Forget. Forget. You know how you just said that you listened to every episode of the podcast? Forget anything I ever said in any of those. Just forget it all. I didn't. I was. I was drunk the whole time. That's not true. But go. Say whatever. Say whatever you want, man. Go ahead.

[Josh]

Oh, yeah, I was just gonna say I love you guys and I hope everybody's doing well. I know it's hard times, but we can all get through it.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yo, thank you, Josh. I appreciate you, man. You have a good one.

[Josh]

You too.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Bye, Josh.

[Josh]

Bye. Love you, Geck.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Love you too, buddy. Good guy like Josh, he's a nice man. He's a sweet boy. Taking care of his family, living his life. I'm inspired by that. I'm inspired by that. He's got a good. He's got a good head on his shoulders, doing a good thing. Yeah, well, it's fine because he was asking me how it felt like to be 27, and I'm like, dude, bro, you have. Like I feel like when you have two kids you're like a real ass adult. I feel. That's why I feel like I'm 16. You know, I could. I'm in a precarious situation where like if I fell asleep right now, you know, nobody, nobody relies on me to exist and not die. You know, that has its pros and cons. I think. You know, he seems like he got a lot of purpose from having people to rely on him to not die. I think it's nice. It's a noble thing to have people in your life who need you to not die. I think that's very noble.

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[Lena]

Hello?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Hi there.

[Lena]

Oh my God.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What's up?

[Lena]

Are you kidding me right now?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Nothing. There is no kidding. There is only seriousness. What is your name?

[Lena]

Oh my God. My name is Lita. I'm at work right now.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yo, Lita. You're at work? Are you. Are you able to interrupt your workday to have this conversation right now?

[Lena]

Oh, 100%.

[Coffee]

100%.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay. Okay, great, great. Could you do me a favor? Could you take me off of like speakerphone or headset or whatever?

[Lena]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're off. You're off speaker now.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Where or do you work?

[Lena]

I work at a hotel. I'm a housekeeper.

[Josh]

Oh.

[Lena]

Are you shit off toilet? Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Are you cleaning people? Are you cleaning shit off of toilets right now?

[Lena]

Thankfully, I'm actually done with that. My work just threw us like a summer, like barbecue. So, yeah, it was really good. But like, I'm about to throw up because I just ate too much food.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What did you eat? What'd you have to eat?

[Lena]

Okay, let's see. I ate two cookies. I ate three cupcakes. I ate a hamburger. I ate a hot dog. I ate some pizza salad. Pizza salad. Hold up. Pasta salad. My bad. Pizza salad sounds really good though. Somebody should come up with that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

That's. That's a. That's a lot. Do you feel. Are you okay? Do you need medical attention? Do you feel okay right now, mentally and physically after eating all that?

[Lena]

No, but my mom is a nurse, so I will be okay eventually.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

That's not. I don't. That's. It's helpful that your mom's a nurse, but I don't. Does it guarantee that you'll be okay forever?

[Lena]

Yes, it does. I'll probably live forever because of her.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

And you know what? I respect your confidence in that answer.

[Lena]

Thank you. Nobody else has agreed with me on that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I don't know if I may have talked about this on the podcast once, but I had a kind of embarrassing moment when I went to Tijuana a few months ago. I. I'm a serial clogger. I'm known amongst the community as a serial clogger of toilets.

[Lena]

And, oh, my God, I remember that episode. You talked to that one guy who was like, I clogged too many toilets, so I can't live anywhere.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like that, too. That's why I can't have roommates. I clogged too many toilets. I was. I was at this hotel and I had, like. I clogged the toilet, and I had to. I went down to the front desk and I had to be like, tns esta? And then do the, like, toilet plunger motion. Like, I'm plunging a toilet. And then they were like. Then they were like. One second, and then. And then they came up to my room and they were about to go in. They were about to go in and unclog the toilet, and I was like, yo, puerto, yo. I took the toilet plunger and I. And I unclogged the toilet.

[Lena]

That's how I feel when I talk to my co workers, because they. Yeah. Anyway. Wait. Okay. I'm nervous.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

There's nothing. There's nothing. Nothing. Nothing has happened. There's.

[Lena]

No.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

This is. There's nothing to be nervous about. I. We can. Yeah, there's. You're not being like. You don't try to be. Please. You don't have to try to be anything. You don't have to try to be anyone. You don't have to care about this in any way, shape, or form. Super nice.

[Lena]

No, I don't care about anything.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Good.

[Lena]

Shit.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Good.

[Coffee]

Good.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Well, okay, let's. There's a few things. Well, let me ask you this. Was there a particular thing that you wanted to talk about today?

[Lena]

Let's see. See, I'm like everybody else. I've thought about this, like, a bajillion times. But let's see. Okay. I just graduated from. From high school.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I graduated from high school.

[Lena]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay.

[Lena]

And let's see. I just got. Actually, I just got accepted into cosmetology school.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Very nice.

[Lena]

And let's see. My brother got out of prison, and he's coming to live with us.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Oh, are you. Are you excited about that?

[Lena]

No. But, you know, here's the thing. I have two. I have three brothers. One of them passed away, and so now I'm having to be, like, extra thankful for my other brother. So I'm kind of trying to not be mad, but, like, I'm in the middle of going to school, and it's kind of crazy that, you know, he's coming to live with us. I haven't seen him in years. In the middle of me going back to, like, cosmetology school. And so I'm just like. But, you know.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay, why? If you want. I mean, if you want to talk about it, why? You had a very quick reaction when you said no. Why no to being excited about him coming home?

[Lena]

Well, as a housekeeper, I am very particular about how I keep my living area, specifically, like, my bathroom. And so I don't think I really have to elaborate too much on that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay. Do you guys. Do you guys share. Do you guys share living space? Like, do you live in the same room?

[Lena]

No, I have my own room, but we're gonna have to share, like, a bathroom.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay.

[Lena]

Kind of sucks.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Are you excited to see him?

[Lena]

I'm excited to see him. I am, I am. He's just a huge dick wad is how I would describe him.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Is he older or younger?

[Lena]

He's older. He's in his. All my brothers are in their 30s. I was quite the not planned thing. So all. Every single one of my brothers are getting up there, so. Which is fine.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You talked about. And I'm sorry to hear about your brother that passed away.

[Lena]

Oh, it's all good.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You were talking about how. Okay, because you have this is how many brothers, and is he the last remaining brother? Is there another brother?

[Lena]

So I have another brother that is on my dad's side.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay.

[Lena]

But he. I don't talk to him. He's like bald and stuff, and he has a kid and whatnot.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You don't talk to him because he's bald?

[Lena]

Partly. He gets it from my dad.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay, all right, you know, that's fair. Some. Sometimes. Sometimes you just don't want to talk to bald people. I get that. I understand.

[Lena]

No, yeah, exactly. And he's. And he has a kid and stuff. And so it's just like.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Lena]

Hey, you're my. You're my brother, man.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay, all right. I get it. Yeah. Yeah, sure. You're 18. When you think of, like, brother, you're like. You think of, like a boy. You, like, you Think of, like, a Dexter's Laboratory kind of a boy. But your brother is a. Your brother is a bald old man with a child. And so you're like. I don't even. You're like. You're like a tertiary. You're like. I need to invent a new word beyond brother, uncle, cousin. I need it. I need a new word to describe how I feel about you. Yeah, that's how you're.

[Lena]

That's exactly what it is.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay, I get you. I get you. So then. So then let me. So let me ask you this. The. You're saying that you want to use this opportunity to foster a better relationship with the brother that is coming to live with you. Do you. Do you feel that way?

[Lena]

Let's see. I do feel that way. Let me think. I do feel that way.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Hey, real quick. Real quick, can you. I don't know if you did something to your phone, but if you could just hold it right up to your ear, that would be great.

[Lena]

Sorry. Sorry. I had to take off my hoodie because we're not allowed to wear them at work. But anyway. Yeah, so he's coming down, and then my dog. Actually, he doesn't like people. He only likes me and my mom. So that's.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But. But before you start talking about your dog, do you. Are you trying to use this as, like, a way to, like. Are you looking forward to, like, building a relationship back with your brother?

[Lena]

I kind of am. Here's the thing. He's just kind of a jerk. You know? He's just kind of a jerk, and that's, like, the main thing. But other than that, I guess I am definitely excited. I haven't seen him in a long time.

[Josh]

Mm.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

When was the last time you saw him?

[Lena]

I saw him. Let's see. Been like, three years.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Three years?

[Lena]

Yeah, like, three years. Because.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Did you visit him at all in prison?

[Lena]

No. So the thing is, he was there. He's all the way in Wyoming. I live in Oregon. I'll come find you, Veronica. Okay. Okay. Sorry. My co worker had some drama for me. But anyway, we haven't visited him because he kind of like. I mean, we call him and stuff, but he kind of, like. He's too far away. Even when we go down to visit our family in the summer, he's just, like, way from where it's accessible to us.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Right.

[Lena]

That makes sense.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Do you ever write letters to him or anything like that?

[Lena]

I do not write letters to him. I don't write letters to him. But we do talk and, you know, I tell him like, you know, brother and sister stuff, I guess. Like, I tell him what's going on, but nothing. Like, I don't know. He's just like, we're not, this, we're not as close as I was with my other brother. We were much closer. The one that passed away, we were much closer. He's, he was like, very cool, very cool fella.

[Josh]

Mm.

[Lena]

Yeah. They're nothing alike.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Do you. All right. Do you, is it possible, do you think that your brother has, like, changed at all in prison? Like, do you think he'll have, he'll re. Emerge a different guy?

[Lena]

And that's what my mom keeps telling me. My mom thinks that he has because, you know, we talked to him on the phone and stuff, and he seems a lot more normal than he was. I mean, I can say this, I think. Yeah, I think so. He was like, addicted to mess and stuff. So it's, he was just kind of like, not who I remember him being when I was younger and stuff like that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lena]

So it was just kind of like a struggle to I guess, relate to him and have a good relationship the way we did before.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Lena]

If that makes sense.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, that makes sense. Is he, is he clean now?

[Lena]

He's clean now. Just because I think it partially is mostly because he can't access it anymore.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

But that's a, that's a solid way to stop doing anything.

[Lena]

Yeah, it is, it is, it is, it is. But I mean, I, I, I sympathize with him and whatnot, but it's just kind of hard to. Because he was very rude. But other. Otherwise, what is left to be done in here?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Well, listen, what's your name again?

[Lena]

I did everything but wipe it down. Sorry. My name is Lena.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Lena. Lena. I'm gonna let you get back to work, but.

[Lena]

Okay.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You know, I appreciate you sharing your, your story and I hope that go well with you and, and your, and your.

[Lena]

Thank you, brother. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. And yeah, I've been listening since middle school, so this is awesome. I couldn't even believe it.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Rock and roll, man. Well, thank you very much for listening. Good luck and I'll see you around the universe.

[Lena]

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you later maybe. Possibly. Bye.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Bye. Bye.

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[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

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[Coffee]

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[Coffee]

No fucking way that works, bro.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What's up, man? What's your name?

[Coffee]

What's up? My name?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

How's life?

[Coffee]

Personally, in my life, a lot is going great, but then, like, in the world, it seems like everything kind of sucks.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yes. Yeah.

[Coffee]

You probably get that a lot, don't you?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What? That everything in the world sucks.

[Coffee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I mean, I have a lot of thoughts on this and I get into fights with people about it sometimes about whether the world sucks because. Well, because. And I don't know, I hate. Part of me wants to shut up, but I'm the one who has a fucking podcast. But this is large part of me that. And you know what? Fuck it. The world's. For as long as we've been around, you can point to, you know, terrible things.

[Coffee]

Yeah, you can point.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You can. For as long as we've been around, you can point to dictatorships and you can point to genocides and atrocities and horrible things. And so, and so we're just dealing with. We're. We're. We're the human beings alive at this very moment, dealing with the horrible things going on in the world at this very moment. But we. It's not, it's all. And it's all new to us. You know what I mean? It's all new to us. But, like, I mean, fuck, man. We, you know, we had that. There was the. There's been. If you, if you want to go and take a look, there's been horrible. There's been horrible thing.

[Coffee]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

If you want to go take a look, there's been horrible things happening forever. And I don't. And I say that sometimes and people think I'm being dismissive. I swear in my life I'm not. It's just.

[Coffee]

No, it's not. It's not dismissive to say that, like, war is always a thing, because then if that also means, if war is also always happening, that also has to mean that good things are always happening as well, simultaneously.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Coffee]

Like, yeah, there's always been. In the world, there's always been bad stuff. There's always been war, but there's always been super cool artists.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I, I. And I, I don't say it to be dismissive. I say it to be hopeful, because I think people have this because we're, you know, every, Every Hundred years, there's new people. And I think people have this feeling that like everything we're going through is like unprecedented. And I, and I have, I have that feeling a lot of times and it's scary and I mean it's certainly unprecedented for us because we've never. Well, sorry, hold on, let me, let me finish talking real quick.

[Coffee]

Okay, okay, sorry.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

It's unprecedented for us because we're the people that have. You know, we're the first people going through it as our. We. We are the. It's the first time for us going through it. Right? Yeah, yeah, but I mean, and also America, it didn't feel like. We always felt like. Cuz we're like in power right now at this point in the world. And so we always felt like we were the. Like, oh, we're gonna be fine. Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to us in America or the big country. And you know, everything is transient. So yeah, we're kind of dealing with our own insecurity in that sense. But I think it's. And I. Again, the reason I said people think I, I've gotten into fights with friends because when, you know, I say things like, well, yeah, you know, there's always throughout all of history been places you can point and things you could point at and to go like, oh, that's so horrible. And they think I'm saying it to be like, oh, it's not that bad. I'm not saying it to me, it's not that bad. I'm saying it to mean like, you know, this fear that we have of like the world is such a horrible place and everything is so unprecedented and whatever, whatever. Like I don't, I don't think that that fear is helpful. And I think a more helpful attitude is like, well, yeah, the universe has always had problems, will always have problems and we've always move. We've always been able to just as a species get through them. And that doesn't mean we should let our guard down. And that doesn't mean we shouldn't be cognizant of things, but it does. It means it's like, hey, listen you. We're not the. Every hundred years there's a new people. We're not the first group of people ever to deal with hard unprecedented things. Everything that's ever motherfucking happened in, in the universe is unprecedented. It's always happening for the first time.

[Coffee]

The first time we've. It's just the first time we've experienced it collectively.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Yeah. So that's. That's all I have to say. Yeah.

[Coffee]

Which, you know, is great. It's. But, like, I want to go live my life, man. I. I want to.

[Lena]

It. It's.

[Coffee]

I. I guess what I. I can see why people think that's a dismissive take, because I want to. I want to counter that take slightly. Like, I'm not. I don't want to dismiss it, but I feel like. Because.

[Josh]

We.

[Coffee]

I want to live. Like, I want to do stuff. Like, I used to be really, really depressed. Like, I used to. I mean, not to get, like, super into it or anything, but I gotten. I've gotten pretty close to crossing over the Rainbow Bridge a few times by my own hand. And, like, I'm. I wouldn't want to say I'm over that period of my life, but it's definitely that I'm never going to get that far again. And I'm at a point in my life, I just moved into my apartment with someone that I consider the love of my life, and he considers that as well. And we're trying to move to Germany together because he's German. And it just, you know, it works out. And, you know, I'm really excited. Like, I'm going to go over there to. First thing, to study German. German culture and then study music. And it's just. I'm really, really excited to live and I want to do all this stuff. But all of these unprecedented times, it seems like every day there's a headline that comes up, like, my partner is trans, too. And I'm not gonna, like, get too much more into that because of what people like, what the culture has shifted to today, what the government has shifted to today. I'm scared, and I don't want my life to be cut short because of that. So that's why I feel like people would say that's dismissive because, yeah, sure, fascist governments have existed before, but the people died in them, and I don't want to die, and I don't want anybody to die. So, like. And I know you weren't saying, oh, we shouldn't do anything about it. I know you. But, like, what do we do about it? You know what I'm saying?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I'm not gonna pretend like I have an answer for that. Of what we do.

[Coffee]

Yeah. No, that's a whole people. That's a degree.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. I'm not gonna pretend like I have an answer of what we do about it. And I'm only speaking to I'm just speaking to, like, this sense of, like, on. Dread of, like, you know, feeling. Feeling like things are unprecedented. That's all I'm speaking. I don't have a. I don't have a. I know. I'm not pretending like I have a solution for, you know, the state of the world. I wouldn't even. It's so deeply beyond me. And even. And also, if people, you know, think I'm being dismissive, that's. That's okay. This is just how I feel when I. When I get anxious about the world.

[Coffee]

Yeah, definitely. Definitely a lot to be anxious about, that's for sure.

[Josh]

Mm.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

So what do you. So what do you want to do that, like, you want to leave? You want to go move to Germany?

[Coffee]

Yeah. So, I mean, so that's. That's a life decision that I got to decide for a multitude of reasons, and the government actually being a pretty small part of that decision. Most of it is simply because my partner is part German. He lived there during the summers when he was a kid, and it just worked out really well. I've always been interested in German culture, and that was also his plan. And we. We reconnected. We went to high school together, but we lost contact after a few years and then reconnected kind of recently. It was like 10 months ago now, and a few months ago moved in together. So it's just. I want to go to Germany with him because he's the love of my life, and it's so great, and I love him so much, and I thought it.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

So why are you. So why are you saying that you. You don't feel like you can live your life?

[Lena]

Well.

[Coffee]

Like, not. It's not that I can't in long story short, but the people running the systems of our, like, world, the airport government might not let that happen because of stupid culture, war issues, like.

[Lena]

Trans.

[Coffee]

Quote, unquote ideologies and, like, race war. People need to stop realizing that the war is not left or right, but it's up and down.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Sure, yeah, I. I agree with that. But so. And I. I agree with that, and I empathize that. That's a terrifying thing. But I want to get down to why you feel like you can't, like, do the things that you want to do.

[Coffee]

Like, I guess. What do you. What do you mean then? I'm struggling to understand that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You said. You said, I want to live my life.

[Coffee]

Yeah, I guess in a way, I'm kind of let the pressure of that whole government not let me live my life. Already I, like, personally, I've kind of gotten myself into this weird bubble of just not seeing one, just going to work and going home. But that's more of like a personal, like, I guess not personal. Well, it is personal issue, but not necessarily related to the government.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Okay. Okay. So. So why do you feel like you. You can't live your life? And also, I guess, what does it even. What does it mean for you to live your life?

[Coffee]

Well, so I'm a. I'm a musician. I might have mentioned earlier, I'm planning on studying. Studying music in Germany. And that's just kind of how. That's what I. That is my life. That's how I live my life. I've been playing drums since I was 2. My dad taught me how. It's just. That's how I live. And for a good while, I had this band in the local scene and I did a lot of shows. Sorry, it's gonna get. It's. You opened up a can of worms. It's gonna get a little dark here. I had a. I had a band and we played a bunch of shows around the scene.

[Lena]

And.

[Coffee]

This one time we did a show at a park in middle of the city.

[Josh]

And.

[Coffee]

We were doing it, and this park has like some like dangerous architecture. And kid frickin died climbing it. And it kind of like climbing it because you're not supposed to climb it. It's like all fenced off 100ft up in the air, or actually 50, but still this. This kid went pop the fence like a lot of kids do not. I mean, just people going to the show. And he like literally fell off and died at that show that I was playing. And it was a. Is a quote, DIY show. I don't know if you've heard that term before, but of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So ever since that, I kind of. It kind of just like made me go back to how I was before I did all that band stuff, because that was like. I started to do the band stuff after I like finished a program to like, deal with my personal issues. Like, I got addiction issues, I got trauma issues from middle school, middle school bullying. It was like intense, tense, stemming, you know, into addiction issues. So then where am I? Where am I? Like, I just lost my train of thought. Sorry.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

That's okay. Well, I mean, listen, man, like, let's. You want to bring it back to, I guess what we were initially talking about?

[Coffee]

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I mean, you just. The concept of like living your life, right?

[Coffee]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You have. You Have. Okay, so you, I mean, you have this partner that you're very in love with and you want to go with them to Germany. And where do you live now.

[Coffee]

In the city? I don't care. People, people know me. I live in Seattle.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

You live in Seattle. Okay. And you want to move to where in Germany?

[Coffee]

Well, it's gonna be a few different places. It's gonna start with Munich because there's like this program that I'm going to be doing for German language, but Munich, Dusseldorf. To be determined.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Brother. I don't know you very well, but you sound like you're living your life pretty well. You know, you're in a. Relate. You're in a. You're in a relationship. You're about to go learn fucking German. You, you sound like you're doing. Again, I don't know you very well, but you, you sound like you're living your life.

[Coffee]

Yeah, I mean, I am. I definitely am. Don't get me wrong. Especially this is because, you know, I moved out of my parents house to go to my partner's apartment and I was only like the second time I lived by myself after going to Florida. But that's a whole other can of worms. But like so yeah, in essence I am, I'm just not like doing as much as I was.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

So I, I don't know, that's. I guess those are my. I mean, I guess back to talking about just general world events. I mean, I kind of think.

[Coffee]

That'S just the whole thing.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Well, I don't have, I don't have a solution for it. But I mean, living your life the best way you want to live it is, you know, with it. But living your life the best way you want to live it, within the confines you have to live it, is one of many good answers. One, one of many potential good answers to facing this weird dread that I think our generation is looking for forward to the world with.

[Coffee]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Like when it comes to my life objectively, like with. Even with me not feeling, I'm like, I'm living it fully, like objectively. Like when I really look at it, I do. Like I love, I love my life right now. I love working, coming home to my partner and just, you know, living. Most of the time we cook, cook dinner by ourselves because it's just expensive to eat. But it kind of made me realize that I like cooking again. So that's fun. Been surviving off miso soup because it's so easy. But yeah, so I guess other than.

[Lena]

That.

[Coffee]

First all the personal sides, stuff aside, I, I don't know, what else was there to talk about?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Well, we told what we talked about a lot.

[Coffee]

We did. Yeah, that's true. In my text, I told you, like, I worked for the scooter company rentals.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Do you feel, do you feel there's any. Well, I mean, do you feel, I guess, on, on all the subjects that we've covered and I wanted, I genuinely want, I do genuinely want to know. Do you feel satisfied with our conversation about them? Is there anything else you want to bring up or, you know, because we're talking about some big stuff and I, you know, I know you seem, you feel, you seem passionate about it, and so I want to, you know, make sure we get all the angles, if that you wanted to get.

[Coffee]

Yeah, no, no, I, I, I do feel good talking about it. I guess I have still just a little. I wasn't expecting to talk to you right now anyways. But no, it, it does feel good to kind of get it all up there in a, in a way. I kind of haven't really put it all out there, like, for anybody else for a good while now. Like, like the way I did. Like, I've, you know, gone into bits and pieces of it, but just, you know, saying everything that I've been thinking about, because this is pretty much what I've actually been thinking about, like, this exact conversation and all the stuff we were talking about has kind of just been the stuff I've been thinking about this past three weeks, like, weirdly on repeat, and I don't know why.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What specifically?

[Coffee]

Just like, well, so starting off with personally how everything's going good in my life, but then it seems like, you know, my government is trying to attack me and everybody I love. Yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot. But then also just the, you know, personal aspect of it being like, okay, so why am I not doing anything right now, though?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Why are you. Not you. But you're doing a lot. What do you, what do you feel like you're not doing?

[Coffee]

Just, like, that's the thing. Like, going to shows. Like, I haven't, I've been really doing much with my music lately, is what I'm trying to say. Like, haven't been going to many shows at all, really. Haven't been going practicing guitar. I haven't been recording much, like, and that's kind of like for the longest time, the thing that just has been the biggest part of me, like, that's like, that was my thing. That was the thing I am good at, like, without that, I don't know, I would have serious identity crisis crisis if that music wasn't a thing.

[Josh]

Mm.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Let me say, let me say this. Let me, you know, let me, let me say this. And people might take issue with this and. But it's, I don't know, it's. It's how I'm feeling in the moment that I'm thinking about this right now and I'm talking to you is that like, listen, you have things you want to do. You, you, you want to learn German and you want to foster this relationship you have with your partner and you want to play shows and you want to do all these things. And I'm sure that you, as a lot, as a lot of people, as most people, I don't know about most people, but as a lot of people in fucking America and in the world are, get. Get stuck in like, dread. Dread loops. Like very existential loops. Because you see shit that's going on in America and in the world and it fucking freaks you out. Yeah, because it's freaky. Because it, because it's freaky stuff. And the thing I wanted to say that is, you know, that I guess I feel is like, look, the best. One of the best forms of resistance is like, it's important to be aware of these things and it's important to fight against these things, but it's really, really deeply important to go, you know what? Yes, yes. There's a lot of fucked up things, things happening and powerful people are doing bad things in the world, but I'm not. I draw the fucking line at my sanity. And that's how I'm gonna resist is, is if I, because I go on Reddit, I go on Reddit every day, and every day I go on Reddit, Reddit is like curated this thing where if Reddit, bro. Like, yeah, I don't have to tell you, right? I go every day Reddit has curated, bro, they're getting. You know what? Fuck it. I'm not being, I'm not gonna be apologetic about this. I'm gonna be passionate about this. I really, I really feel this way. Reddit, Twitter, Instagram, all these things they, they have curated for us a fucking daily thing where we can go and every day we have the opportunity to just spiral in a fucking loop of all this shit. And I'm telling. And I, And I'm telling you, like, if you really want to fight back for brother, for you, the best way I think you could fight back, I really mean this is to Go. You know what? You can. You can manipulate the universe and you can go after people and you can do all this fucked up and you can kill people. You can do all this fucked up shit, but I'm drawing the line at my own sanity. I'm gonna put the phone down. I'm gonna go to the fucking DIY music show, and I am going to, in a form of existential spite, try to enjoy my life, you know, as opposed to. And I'm. And I know what every. And I know what you're all fucking do because I go on Reddit and I like, dude, you go on Reddit and like, you look at, like, every day there's a new Trump thing to get upset about.

[Coffee]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

And you. And I look at the comments.

[Coffee]

Instagram is my poison. And.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, and I. And you look at the comments, and the comments are filled with people being like, you know, like, commenting, being pissed off. It's filled with people who are.

[Coffee]

Anyways, it's filled.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

It's filled with people who are like, you know, letting it, like, take up their brain. Like, you're like, bro, like, you're. You have a finite amount of time to exist and to do the things you want to do, and you got to protect it really carefully. You got to protect it. You got to. You got to protect it as carefully as you can. And I know that there's certain things that are going on in the world that are just unavoidable, but you have to put up a little bit of effort to protect your attention and what you spiral about as much as you can. And the best form of resistance that you got, again, is the ability to go. The ability to look at that Instagram post and go, I know that someone's making fucking money off of me getting pissed off right now, and I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna fucking go play my guitar or go study German. You know, that's the. That's, in my opinion, the best resistance that you can do. Because when you're. When you're spiraling, it's like, people are the.

[Coffee]

The.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

The most engaging emotions are. Are. Are fear and anger and all the companies and all these. They're that. So when you're stopping on the Instagram post and you're. You're letting your existential dread about the state of the world stop you from living your life. You're. You're like, you're. You're really letting them win, and I really don't think you should do that. And. And people can, you know, Say that it's like ignorant, but that, that's. And I, and I don't think that what I'm saying is the whole piece of the pie. I really don't. I'm not going to pretend like what I'm saying is the whole piece of the pie, but I think it's an important piece of the pie. So. Yeah.

[Coffee]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Jack. I think, you know, I think I really needed to hear that really badly. Like I, I knew it subconsciously, like kind of people know that like, like they can like know things before they know it consciously. But it's, I appreciate you kind of telling me in the way you did those work. I don't know, it just, it made sense.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Good, good. I'm, I'm glad. I'm glad. And by the way, man, you have a nice life, you know, you really, you do. Like, you, like, like you have, you're excited about the future you got. You're going to go on this trip. You have this person that you clearly love in your life. You have these hobbies that you clearly love in your life. Like, just don't like, please, please, like, obviously it's hard. Like things are scary, things are happening. I understand that. But just don't, don't let it take you out of your life for too long. Just like understand. You have a nice life.

[Coffee]

I've spent way too much time in like that way, that really dark head space to ever go back there, so.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Good, good.

[Coffee]

Fuck that.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

What is your name again?

[Coffee]

Actually, you know, I said my real name at the beginning of the podcast, but I'm realizing now could like change it up. That'd be. I appreciate it.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Sure. I can, I can, I can get.

[Coffee]

Rid of it just like I know live. I know the live stream Internet isn't permanent, but it's all right.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

I can get rid of your name. I can get rid of your name.

[Coffee]

Well, do a coffee. I'm in front of a coffee shop. You can call me Coffee.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Perfect. Coffee. Is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?

[Coffee]

Keep your head up, keep going. Even though life might suck outside, it might seem like that, I guess don't like make it. Interrupt your personal life or inject your personal life as I sort of have. So, yeah.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Thank you. You have a good rest of your life.

[Coffee]

Thank you. You as well.

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Thank you. God bless.

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[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

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[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

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[Coffee]

Ah come on.

[Variety Podcast Host]

Why is this taking so long?

[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

This thing is ancient.

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[Gecko (Podcast Host)]

Check out the new season of Reasonable Doubt now streaming on Hulu. L A s most successful attorney Jack Stewart defends a young actor accused of murder. Follow Emma Yahtzee, Coronaldi, Morris Chestnut Joseph Sakura and guest stars Kash Doll and Lori Harvey as they fight their personal battles in the spotlight of the year's most sensational trial. In the pursuit of justice, every move counts. Reasonable Doubts, Season 3, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. This is an iHeart podcast.