“I WAS AN ALASKAN FISHERMAN”

Summary

Therapy Gecko Podcast: “I WAS AN ALASKAN FISHERMAN”

Episode Information:

• Title: I WAS AN ALASKAN FISHERMAN
• Host/Author: iHeartPodcasts
• Release Date: March 19, 2025

---

1. Introduction

In this compelling episode of Therapy Gecko, the host engages in an in-depth conversation with Casey, a 23-year-old who recounts his transformative summer spent working on a commercial salmon fishing boat in Bristol Bay, Alaska. Throughout the episode, Casey delves into the harsh realities of life at sea, the interpersonal dynamics aboard the boat, and his personal journey of self-discovery and academic redirection.

---

2. Life on the Salmon Fishing Boat

Casey's Experience: Casey begins by sharing the unique and challenging experience of living on a commercial salmon fishing boat for an entire summer. The boat was stationed in the remote region of Bristol Bay, Alaska, where the population swells to about 200-300 people during the fishing season.

Challenging Environment: He describes Bristol Bay as a "weird, very, very strange place" with a significant presence of convicts employed at the cannery, serving as an alternative to incarceration. Casey recounts a "stabbing in one of the quarters the year before" his tenure, highlighting the turbulent and sometimes dangerous environment.

Casey [03:11]: "There's a lot of heavy drinking and waking up, putting Baileys and coffee and getting the boat prepared... five weeks on the water was pretty intense."

---

3. Interpersonal Dynamics and Leadership Issues

Captain Dale: A significant portion of Casey's narrative focuses on the difficult relationship with the boat's captain, Dale. Dale is portrayed as a "yeller" and a "power-tripping asshole," whose domineering attitude created a tense atmosphere aboard the vessel. His inappropriate talk about being "fucking horny" due to the lack of female presence further exacerbated the uncomfortable environment.

Casey [08:24]: "He was the captain, so there was a lot of power tripping going on... He was just a power-tripping asshole."

---

4. Mental Health Struggles and Coping Mechanisms

Isolation and Mental Toll: The isolation and cramped conditions led Casey to experience significant mental strain. He admits that during his time on the boat, he felt himself "slipping mentally," even experiencing hallucinations near the end of his stint.

Philosophical Refuge: To cope, Casey turned to reading "The Myth of Sisyphus," a philosophical text that delves into absurdism. This book provided him with a framework to understand his feelings of insignificance and chaos, ultimately inspiring him to pursue his passion for mathematics.

Casey [13:38]: "Reading 'The Myth of Sisyphus' helped me realize that the insignificance of our existence gives us the freedom to do what we're passionate about."

---

5. Path to Self-Discovery and Academic Pursuits

Academic Shift: Inspired by his philosophical readings and the introspection forced upon him by the fishing trip, Casey decided to shift his academic focus from business to mathematics. This decision led him to aim for a PhD, a path he hadn't previously considered.

Casey [15:17]: "I realized that I enjoy math, so why don't I pursue it for school instead of fumbling around in a business degree where I have no interest?"

Future Aspirations: Casey's newfound clarity underscores a significant theme of the episode: adversity can catalyze personal growth and redirect one's life trajectory toward fulfilling endeavors.

---

6. Conclusion

Casey's story serves as a poignant example of how challenging and isolating experiences can lead to profound self-discovery and life-changing decisions. Through his ordeal in Alaska, he not only faced interpersonal conflicts and harsh living conditions but also confronted his mental health struggles, ultimately finding solace and purpose in philosophy and mathematics.

Notable Takeaways:

• Impact of Isolation: Extended periods in isolated and high-stress environments can have severe effects on mental health.
• Power Dynamics: Leadership styles, especially domineering ones, significantly influence group dynamics and individual well-being.
• Philosophical Coping: Engaging with philosophical literature can provide valuable frameworks for understanding and navigating personal crises.
• Academic Redirection: Adversity can lead to unexpected and positive changes in one's academic and career paths.

Casey [22:22]: "Instead of whining about life’s absurdity, just suck it up and admit that looking on the brighter side helps."

---

Additional Conversations

While the episode primarily centers on Casey's Alaskan fishing experience, brief interactions with other callers provide supplementary insights into personal struggles and growth:

• Graciana: Discusses the challenges of being a young parent, her children's mental health, and the complexities of co-parenting.
• Jonathan: Shares his journey through depression, therapy, and the role of antidepressants in helping him regain control over his life.

These dialogues enrich the episode by highlighting diverse perspectives on overcoming adversity and fostering personal development.

---

Overall, “I WAS AN ALASKAN FISHERMAN” is a deeply engaging episode that blends raw personal narratives with philosophical introspection, offering listeners valuable lessons on resilience, self-discovery, and the transformative power of facing one's darkest moments.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's stock up savings time now through March 25th. Spring in for storewide deals and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible beverage items from Tropicana lemonade or breakfast favorites like General Mills cereal, Coffee Mate creamer, Quaker cereal, plus many more. Then clip the offer in our app for automatic event long savings stack up those rewards to save even more restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Unknown]

Does this podcast make you happy? Of course it does. That's why you're here. But it only comes out once a week for happiness. Every night. You need Adam and Eve. Yes. I'm talking about sex toys. It's cool.

It's cool.

You have earbuds in right? Adam and Eve, America's most trusted source for adult products, has been making people very happy for over 50 years with thousands of toys for both men and women. Just go to AdamandEve.com now and enter code IHEART for 50% off. Almost any one item plus free discreet shipping. That's AdamandEve.com code IHEART for 50% OFF.

PayPal lets you pay all your pals like your graduation gifters.

Who's paying for the mattress topper?

You mean the beanbag chair?

Aren't we getting a mini fridge?

[Casey]

Can we create a pool on PayPal? It lets us collect the money before we.

[Unknown]

Ooh, yes, that's smart.

Glad we can agree on something easily. Pool split and Send Money with PayPal. Get started in the PayPal app, a PayPal account is required to send and receive money. A balance account is required to create a pool.

For some of us, personal finances aren't just personal. They include a lot more people than ourselves, loved ones, neighbors, the communities we call home, and the causes we hold in our hearts. At Thrivent, we help plan your financial picture with the bigger picture in mind. Because even though our business is helping guide your finances, our ambition is to make it mean so much more. Thrivent, where money means more. Connect with [e-mail].

Hello?

[Casey]

Hello? Can you hear me?

[Unknown]

Yeah, I can hear you. What's your name, sir?

[Casey]

My name is Casey.

[Unknown]

Casey, how you doing? How's life?

[Casey]

I'm doing pretty good on my lunch break. Eating some pho fa. It's like microwavable.

[Unknown]

I love pho.

[Casey]

Just chillin.

[Unknown]

Just chillin.

Good.

Pretty good, yeah. Listen man, here's the thing Today I'm happy to just chit chat about whatever, but if you had a thing that you wanted to call in to talk about. We could do that as well. What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

[Casey]

You know, I kind of just called Spur the moment. There's been multiple times where I'm like, oh, I want to call because I have this talk about. But I'm just kind of, you know, on my lunch break, just hanging out. Is there anything on your mind?

[Unknown]

Well, let's do this, man. What? Last time that you were like, okay, I have this thing I want to talk about. What was that thing?

[Casey]

Well, I. So there's a couple things I could either. And I'll let you decide what you think sounds more interesting because they're equally interesting to me. I one time lived on a commercial salmon fishing boat for a summer, which in Alaska. And we lived on the boat on the water for like six weeks, which was interesting. And I have some fun stories from that. And then I'm also kind of in the midst of figuring out what I'm going to do for grad school.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Casey]

So that's also been something that's on my mind. So what sounds. What sounds more interesting to you?

[Unknown]

So you, you were on a salmon fishing boat for six months?

[Casey]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown]

And where was this boat located? Like, where in the ocean?

[Casey]

So it was. Oh, it's Bristol Bay, Alaska.

[Unknown]

Bristol Bay, Alaska. I always wanted to go to Alaska. I don't know what the hell's going on over there, man.

[Casey]

It. Let me tell you, it is a weird, very, very strange place. We didn't really spend much time in, like, the populated areas. So what we did was we got there in the. Around the beginning of June. And we flew into Anchorage and immediately got on a small, super small plane where we got to this point called St. Petersboro. And it's literally like, I think there's less than 50 people that live there year round. And like during the summer when there's a bunch of different people there, there's like probably two to 300 people just all at this, like, port essentially. And there are places where the fishermen live. There's like four or five different quarters. And then other than that, it's just like. It's funny. It's a lot of convicts that come in because they work at the cannery. Usually instead of like having them rot in a cell or something, they have, they fly them out and they work in the canneries where they like, can the fish that comes in. And there was actually a stabbing in one of the quarters the year before I was there. It's a very chaotic place. For sure.

[Unknown]

Did you get into any trouble while you were on the boat? Did you stab anyone? Did you do anything crazy?

[Casey]

No, no stabbing while on land. It was mostly just a bunch of heavy drinking and waking up, putting Baileys and coffee and getting the boat prepared. And then so we lived on land for, like, three weeks, getting the boat prepared, ready to go out to sea. And that was basically, like, getting everything painted, like, working on the engine and working on all the maintenance that needed to be done for it. And then after living on land for, like, two and a half weeks, then we went out to the water, and we spent, like, five weeks on the water.

[Unknown]

Wow. Five weeks on the water. How many people are on this boat?

[Casey]

So that's the. That's the thing. It was for, like, two weeks, it was four of us. And then the last three and a half weeks, it was three of us.

[Unknown]

It's a super small boat, and for five. And you, what, you live in, like, little bunk beds and stuff?

[Casey]

Dude. Yeah. It is, like, the smallest bed, like, I've ever slept on. It was. It was. It was quite miserable. Yeah. Super, super, super tight quarters. We all, like. It was basically on the end of the boat. Like, you know how a boat kind of. At the front, it kind of curves up, so it, like, you know, functions on the water where you're basically in that point, and the beds are kind of diagonal. Diagonalized going to the end of the boat. It's kind of hard to explain, but point is very small.

[Unknown]

And tell me about the other guys. Did you get along with them, or was there conflict on the boat?

[Casey]

Yeah, so. So how I actually got the job was my buddy. I was in. I was at. I was doing undergrad at the time, and my buddy just texted in the group chat. He was like, hey, My. My mom's friend's husband needs somebody to come out to Alaska for the summer and work on his boat with him and catch some salmon. And he just texted it in the group chat, and it was like piranhas fighting for. Fighting for food. Like, everybody snapped on it, but I was the first one to respond. And so Parker connected me. Or his name was Parker, connected me to the. To the guy that was the captain of the boat. And so Parker and I were super close. We were really good friends. And. But the captain, his name was Dale. He was a dick. He was, honestly, insufferable. A lot of time when.

[Unknown]

What was it that made Dale a dick?

[Casey]

Oh, let's see. He. He. So when. When you're a commercial fisherman and you Spend. So like, I think Alaska does weird things to people living out there for a long time because they have such little contact and the only people they're around are other sweaty, pissy fishermen. So. No, you're good. No, you're good. He, he had a really terrible attitude. He was, he was a yeller. Like he was really power tripping over the fact that it was his boat. He was the captain. So he, so there was a lot of power tripping going on and he, he, he would always talk about how fucking horny he was because he hadn't been around women because, you know, it's just us three dudes on the boat at the time. So it just a lot of uncomfortable talking points. Power tripping, yelling all the time. Like we would always, he, like we were always having to cook for him and shit. He was just a power tripping asshole.

[Unknown]

Okay, this does bring up an interesting, an interesting question is do. What's the masturbation situation looking like on this boat? Are we just abstaining for the five weeks? Are you kind of picking your spots? Are you doing it just straight up into the ocean?

[Casey]

So it's, it's pretty much nil while you're on the boat. So a lot of nutless aggravation, you know. Yeah, nut deprived aggravation for sure. Five weeks, you know, spends to the whole crew pretty much. We did go back on land. We went back on land like three and a half weeks in, I want to say, and then we went back out for another week and a half. So I think everybody got a nut in during that. But other than that, yeah, pretty much nothing.

[Unknown]

And was that like, did that add to the general vibe of frustration amongst the gang?

[Casey]

I definitely think so, yeah, definitely. There was, yeah, a lot of yelling, a lot of arguing. Yeah, that definitely contributed. And there was also like, I'll tell you the schedule because it really puts things into context of like what this job is like. So when you're on the boat, basically anytime that you're allowed to fish, you have to fish. Because when you're not fishing you're not making money essentially because all of your money is based off how much fish you catch, right? So the fishing periods were like eight hour time. So here would, here would be like an average day. Wake up at 2am, make oatmeal, make coffee. Dale, the captain would start driving the boat out to where, driving from the anchorage where we acre down, out to where we're gonna go fish for the day, that takes about like 45 minutes to an hour. We get where we're gonna fish. 3am we roll out the net and we start fishing, essentially. And we fish for about six hours. So then it would hit about 9am Say, after that, we get all our fish into the bins, we drive back to the anchorage, take all of our fish and drop it off to the tender boat, which takes all the fish from the small boats and gets it weighed out and processed. That takes about an hour. So at this point, it's about like, 10:30, probably. And then after that, we go anchor up. You have to scrub the entire deck, otherwise it smells like, you know, one of the worst smells you can imagine. Like, you have to scrub it after every time you fish. Otherwise it's just going to be like you can't be out there for too long. So that takes about 30 minutes. And so then, you know, you have, like, essentially 45 minutes to eat and just, like, do whatever you want to do in your free time. And then you have about two, two to three hours to sleep, depending on the day. And then the next session starts at. Around, like, you know, 1 or 2pm so all over again until, like, you know, 1 2am so you basically.

[Unknown]

You break up your sleep schedule. Yeah. Yes.

[Casey]

Like, two hours, right into blocks of, like, two hours.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that sounds like hell. How did you, like, feel during this time?

[Casey]

I was. I've. That was the. Like, it probably sounds cliche, but I genuinely think that was the first time I've ever felt myself kind of, like, slipping mentally. I did. I did, actually, near the end, I had some, like, hallucinations in the water.

[Unknown]

Whoa.

[Casey]

Which was crazy because I've never had, you know, visuals like, you know, not coming out of, you know, my brain processing what's in front of me, you know, besides, like, tripping balls, you know. So that was very strange. And, yeah, I think the only thing that really got me through it was in my free time, I was reading the Myth of Sisyphus, if you've ever heard of that book.

[Unknown]

What is that?

[Casey]

It's a. It's a. It's a philosophy book. It's. I first really got. I was into philosophy as an undergrad originally, but I brought this book with me, and since there's no. There's no service or anything, there's nothing you can really do besides, you know, read or, you know, dude, jack shit. So basically reading in my free time. That book got me through it, but it was. I did feel myself going insane. And that level of exhaustion definitely also contributed to the tension between the crewmates.

[Unknown]

And did you. What did you learn from the Myth of Sisyphus?

[Casey]

Well, it's. It's one of. It's not the sounding book of absurdism, but it's. It's like, it's canon, you know, it's very. It's very. It's a very important work. And the idea of absurdism. And I don't know, before this, I was having a hard time wrestling with, you know, what a lot of people wrestle with on the. This podcast, the Meaning of life, you know, that type of stuff. But I think after reading that book, I think the biggest takeaway I took from it was that, like, the insignificance of our existence is not something to be upset about, but it's something to be taken advantage of because the impact or the lack of impact that we're actually leaving on the world gives us the freedom to take advantage of that insignificance and do what we think we want to do. And, you know, that's not an excuse to dick around and do nothing, but it's like, it's a good motivator for me personally, to go out and do shit that I'm passionate about, you know, which. So now I'm, like, trying to go for my PhD for math, which I never would have saw myself doing. But after the fishing trip and after reading that book, I kind of realized, like, hey, I like math. Why don't I do it for school instead of, you know, fudgeing around in a business degree where I have no interest? And now I want to go for my PhD, so it's. It helps me figure out what I wanted to do for sure.

[Unknown]

First of all, congratulations. That's awesome. But second of all, how lucky did you get that your passion was math? Oh, my God. Some people are like, my passion is to become a fucking Call of Duty live streamer or something, you know? You know what I mean? Like, it's. How lucky did you get that your passion was, Matt? Like, so how lucky did you get that your passion was, like, something tangible that you can. You can actually do something productive with? You know what I mean?

[Casey]

Yes. And I mean, I think I. I think a lot. I think more people could find a passion in something like that. Like, I guess what you say tangible, but I think it's kind of. It's really hard to unlock that with the way that we're educated now. I think people have a lot more potential in education that they just can't see because it's, you know, it's. It's not unlocked in the Proper way. Because, you know, nobody likes math in high school. I hated math in high school. I got a dog education in math in high school. And so I, I think, I think that's part of it as well. But yeah, I definitely got lucky that I, I'm very glad that I enjoy it. It's, it's, it's fun. Funnily enough, though, I am in the part of math. It's called pure math. It's pretty much. It's about as applicable to life as philosophy itself, which, you know, there's a threshold. It's basically just Greek. It's like writing proofs. It's just like Greek letters that mean absolutely nothing to the context of our actual, you know, real world experience. But I still enjoy it.

[Unknown]

So pure math, you say?

[Casey]

Yeah, pure math.

[Unknown]

And, and it's. You're writing proofs, as in, you're like, okay, I'm gonna prove to you without any shadow of a doubt the two plus two equals exactly kind of shit.

[Casey]

Pretty much, yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown]

That's insane. How do you prove that? That's just like something that is, you.

[Casey]

Know, it's so, you know, the most obvious stuff is actually the hardest stuff to prove. I think the, like, widely accepted proof for one plus one equals two, like completely rigorous and logical and 100% without any, like, holes. It's like. I think it's like 36 pages, actually.

[Unknown]

It's really. Okay, so you can break that down even further.

[Casey]

Yes. Like, it's so non intuitive. The easiest stuff to prove is the stuff that you learn later on in your high school or like middle school education. In math, the hardest shit to prove is the shit that you teach the young kids.

[Unknown]

That's so. God, that's so fucked up.

[Casey]

Mind blowing.

[Unknown]

God, that's. That's so fucked up. There is. You know what's funny is. Yeah, you're talking about. And God damn it, I have roped myself in once again to. To getting existential. But it's what I'm having fun with it right now is, you know, you're talking about like, oh, insignificance and whatever. It's like there is so much to grasp in the world, and at a certain point, you must accept that you cannot grasp at all, you know?

[Casey]

Absolutely.

[Unknown]

And one, I think once you accept that and you just enjoy whatever it is you enjoy, your little bite of apple that you get if you're lucky as a human being is probably where you find the most happiness, you know, 100%. Because, I mean, just the knowledge that there's 36 pages of proof involved to prove that one plus one equals two. I mean, that's. There's just infinite every all things, and that's just the stuff that we know. Then there's the stuff that we don't know that's infinite. And it's like, God damn, do I just want to play Mario Kart and jack off and, you know, not think about any of this stuff, you know, or just. I mean, I have this. This. I'm bringing this back to me. I don't know why, but this is what I'm thinking about. It's like, I have this. This podcast is very interesting to me because it's been a vessel for me of like, oh, I want to suck up the whole world. I want to get to talk to as many people as possible, go as many places as possible, experience as much as possible. But, I mean, it's weird. There's no end. You know, it just keeps going. And once you, like when you're trying to find. Find finality or something like that, you. It kind of leave. It kind of makes you go crazy. Right. You have to just accept what there is. Yeah.

[Casey]

Yep. That's a lot of what absurdism is about, for sure.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Instead of, you know, whining like, a little about it, just sucking it up and admitting that it actually, you know, but looking cliche enough, it is kind of looking on the brighter side of that, you know, terrifying and abysmal fact of life.

[Unknown]

What's your name again?

[Casey]

I definitely recommend Casey.

[Unknown]

Casey. How old are you, Casey? I'm curious. What stage of life are you?

[Casey]

I'm 23.

[Unknown]

23. Very cool. Very nice. That's nice that you've made peace with all this stuff pretty early in your life.

[Casey]

Yeah. You know, shout out drugs. That definitely helped a lot to.

[Unknown]

Which ones?

[Casey]

Psychedelics, mostly.

[Unknown]

So it's funny.

[Casey]

I quit smoking weed a while ago.

[Unknown]

But it's funny because I psychedelics. Right. Like, I would think.

[Casey]

I actually have to stop you.

[Unknown]

Go ahead.

[Casey]

My lunch break is actually over.

[Unknown]

Oh, shit.

[Casey]

I really enjoyed this conversation, though.

[Unknown]

I enjoyed this conversation with you too. Okay, yeah, let's. This will. Part two. This.

[Casey]

Yes, we. We will come back for sure. I'm gonna try to get on again and keep doing what you're doing with the podcast, bro. I love it.

[Unknown]

All right, thanks.

[Casey]

On my way home from work every day.

[Unknown]

Thanks, man. Good luck. Have. Have a. Have a good day at work.

[Casey]

Yeah, you too. Have a good rest of the podcast. Talk to you.

[Unknown]

Take care, man. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye.

Bye.

[Casey]

Bye.

[Unknown]

What a bummer. I liked talking to that guy a lot. That was great. I guess to finish what I was going to say is that it's funny with. Psychedelics are an interesting thing to me because they, the whole selling point is that they are supposed to expand consciousness. But for me personally, I'm like, it's interesting to hear that they helped this guy solve his existentialism. Because for me, I'm like, isn't the, like, you want to be less conscious, don't you? Don't you want. Isn't the whole point to be a little bit less conscious? Like, I feel it's correct. You know what, Tell me, tell me, folks, in the comments section on the Spotify or YouTube, what you think of this. I'm curious what people think about this because I think I, I read this quote from someone. I, I actually, I don't know if like, someone fucking famous said this or if this is just something I read on Reddit in my crazy musings is that, you know, if ignorance is bliss, then clarity is misery. And I kind of felt that a little bit. So it's like the expansion of consciousness seems counterintuitive to happiness. Although everyone is wired a little differently. You know, I mean, the mo. The happiest, I think human beings are, is when they're the least conscious, is when they're just, you know, in, in life, in. In. They are when. When you are present and where you are. I was at. I was at dinner with friends last night and I was, I was just having like, crazy anxiety and I was on my phone and I was in my notes app and I was on Instagram and I was just fucking like, look, it was just like trying to find. You're trying to find answers everywhere except where you fucking are. And I, It's. I do think there's something to that, because anxiety, at least for me, is a sign that you're living your present moment is. Is kind of out of sync with your desires in a way. But you got to kind of balance that with, like, if you need to fulfill every single desire all the time, then you're, you're just gonna suffer, you know, but it's a bit, It's a balancing act because I, I and I talk about this on the fucking show a lot is like, there's a weird balancing act between the, the internal and the external of like, okay, how much of anxiety is. Is. Is gonna be solved by like, internal acceptance and breathing or whatever, versus, oh, no, there's actually stuff going on in your life that you need to, like, change or. Or, you know, you can actually, like, like, how much can you capitalism yourself? How much can you capitalism yourself out of anxiety or depression? And I'm not even talking about, like, money. I'm talking about, like, by, like, doing stuff, by making things or making changes externally versus, like, okay, I need to breathe. I need to fucking do whatever. And I don't know if I knew I wouldn't be ranting crazy about it on a podcast, but whatever. Interesting things to talk about. I liked that guy. That guy was cool. That guy was interesting. Fella, I gotta go to Alaska. I gotta see what's going on over there. Hello?

Yes, what's up?

Hey, what's. What's going on, sir?

Nothing much. I was falling. I was like, finally I got on. But, yeah, life's been pretty decent as of late, I think. How about yourself, if you mind me asking?

Yeah, sure. Life's been interesting. I. I mean, doing things like this that kind of keep you, like, in the present is good.

Yeah, that flow state.

Yeah, the flow state. Yeah.

Yeah.

What's going on with you? What's happening in your life?

Well, so I recently went to California this weekend, so, yeah, that was pretty fun. I went to Rolling Wild, you know, that, like, festival.

Yeah. How is that?

That was very, like, anxiety inducing just because of, like. Yeah, the crowds. I realized I really hate crowds.

But you didn't get. You didn't get Astro Worlded, did you?

Oh, no, luckily not. Yeah, but it was getting bad at, like, when Playboi Karu was playing, they had to, like, stop for, like, 20 minutes. And then, like, Kai Sanat was on stage. He was yelling at us to, like, back up because, like, 10 people passed out. But yeah, yeah, it gets crazy sometimes, but no Astro World, luckily, pretty good.

What else is going on in life?

Well, I think I. I did want to talk about a story. I. Because, yeah, it was about, I guess, me breaking will, dislocating my thumb in a mosh pit. And it kind of, I guess, taught me gratitude and patience.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you.

So, yeah, I guess the long story short, so I went to my first. So do you know the Auto Bar in Baltimore? So originally from Maryland.

Fuck yeah. I did a show there. I love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you there. So.

Oh, cool.

I went to my first hardcore show, which was like, a couple of years ago. And yeah, got into the pit. It was like the first band playing. And then, yeah, someone leaned. Well, my thumb got stuck in someone's shirt, and then it leaned back and Like, I heard a crack. I popped it back in place. I was like, we're good. It's still moving. So I was like, let's go. We're good. So I kept going. Turns out I tore, like, a whole ligament in my thumb. This is my dominant hand, mind you. And then I realized I had to get surgery. So then I got surgery on my right hand, and I was in a cast, I think, for, like, two months. So I did, like, learn everything with my left hand. I had to learn how to brush my teeth. And I'm also an artist, too. So I did learn to draw with my left hand for those two months. I find out how to do work for two months. I don't know. I think that time, I don't know, kind of, like, taught me to just, like, really slow down. Especially, like, just the simple act of, like, brushing your teeth with, like, your left hand. It's so difficult if it's, like, not your dominant hand because you're not usually thinking about you doing it mindlessly. But, like, now I actually have to, like, learn how to do that circular motion. Do everything like that. But, yeah, doing artwork as well. Kind of, like, slowed down a lot. Like, I actually was, like, more, I guess. What's that word? I guess. Decisive with my movements and more like. Yeah, I think more decisive with it and had like, a better, like, mythology of going about and stuff like that. But, yeah, it was kind of weird. A weird situation because it was like, I do everything with my right hand. I do everything just mindlessly a lot. And this kind of taught me, like, whoa. Just because of how uncoordinated I was with my left hand, I kind of learned to dislike. Yeah. Kind of be with the flow of things and kind of adjust to those things and being okay with it, even if I kind of, like, suck at it. So. Yeah. Yeah.

And how is your. How long was your right hand out of commission?

So, yeah, two months in a cast, and then I had physical therapy. So it was about, like, three months. But I think those three months were really good because I was, like, really grateful for, like, the times I do have two hands. Because having one hand kind of sucks, so I kind of feel bad. Well, I feel really bad for people with one hand or no hands. But, yeah, having that one hand kind of. Yeah. Put things in perspective a lot. It made me kind of. Yeah. Very slow down. I think the main thing was, like, slow down stuff. Yeah.

What was the hardest thing to learn with your left hand?

So I have this big dog. I have a dog. She's an akita. She's like 80 pounds. That was kind of hard to like walk her. So I had this leash. I got this leash like a. It's basically kind of like the avatar at least, like basically connected to me. So it's like a leash that goes across my, my body and then, yeah, she just connected to me like that. But yeah, other than that, I think what else was really hard? Opening things. Oh, opening things was awful. I couldn't open things and that was really hard. Yeah, I think it was like those, those daily things. Taking a shower was really difficult. It was very difficult because you can't get your cast wet or any of that wet. Yeah, I like the day to day stuff. Very difficult.

And so how long ago is this?

This was 20. So 2022 going into 2023. So it's been basically almost. Yeah. A year since the surgery was. Been a year since the surgery. Oh, no, not 2023. No, 2023 going into 2024. So yeah, like a year.

So has. Because here's the thing about like epiphanies, I, I notice a lot is that they're, they're. They're kind of things you have to remind yourself of. And so do you feel like that gratefulness and that awareness has stayed with you throughout this?

See, that's hard too. Yeah. So that's what I. Sometimes I do definitely, like just get back into like the mindless stroll of things. I think. Yeah, no, it's really hard to kind of always remain and remember that. I guess these, I guess that finite thing of like that impermanence of everything and that you need to just enjoy and be grateful for those. Just those simple things like going back to just brushing your teeth. You take those things for granted. So I don't know. I kind of. Sometimes I guess there's those times when I like. Yeah, I might have an epiphany off of like mushrooms again. I'm like, I need to go back to the simplistic thing. And then sometimes I just lose that strain of thought and I just get caught into the thick of it and stuff like that. I don't know. I think what helps me a lot, I do a lot of like yoga, which puts me into that framework of like being there in that moment and just breathing. So I feel like those kind of like revert back to those times of like when I had that one hand and I was basically crippled to degree. I just had that one hand to do everything and had to focus on that activity. I was usually doing That I thought usually with two hands wasn't important and stuff like that. So. Yeah, I don't know. It's really like a roller coaster. I felt, I feel like there's always those highs and lows of like figuring it out, remaining in that state. I don't know, I don't think we should be like. I think we should treat ourselves with grace too when we do forget about that state stuff as well. Because that like, yeah, we're just human. We're just learning, growing, failing, succeeding, you know.

So what's going on with you now that you have two hands? What are you doing with your hands?

I'm doing so I'm grabbing so many things. Yeah. So I guess what I'm doing. Yeah, I, I, I like to like be outside a lot so. And like just. Yeah. Work out. I do Muay Thai a lot. That's fun.

You do Muay Thai?

That sports and stuff like. Yeah, Muay Thai is really fun.

You're really out there trying to up your hand again. You're really, you're like, I didn't get injured hard enough in the mosh pit. I need to up myself even more.

Exactly. I think. Yeah, I like those like high stake things. I don't know if that's like dangerous, but you know, yolo. But I do go back to the pits and stuff like that. Way more safer keeping my hands like away from like clothing and people sometimes and stuff like that. But I've been using my hands a lot. I think I've been creating a lot like art. I said I was an artist so now I know how to use both of my hands with art. So that's like been like really cool actually. That's been really fun. Yeah. You know. What's your favorite thing to do with two hands?

What's my favorite thing to do with two hands? I guess fucking play video games. That's probably the. Yeah. I've thought about whether I would, I would be. Whether I would rat. Would you rather have no hands or no feet? I feel like no. Hey, I feel like, I think no. No feet, right?

Yeah. No, no, no. Because you can't walk.

Maybe you could use a wheelchair.

That's true.

There's so many things.

But a lot of places aren't like wheelchair accessible either. Like what if there's like a stairs and you're fucked, you know?

Yeah, but what if you have to. What if there's a door and you got to open it? Then you're really fucked.

You can use your mouth or you can use Your feet, too, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. I guess you would have to learn how to use your feet. Yeah, I. You know, I. I feel like I. I feel like a wimp a lot of the times. I'm like. I feel like I'm like, oh, I only have the strength for, like. You feel that way. You're like, I don't feel like I have the strength for, like, tons and tons of adversity. But yet, you see. Yet, you know, out there, there exists tons and tons of adversity, and people are doing it. People are getting themselves through adversity. You know, I often. That's my. That's one of my problems is I often feel as though I don't have the strength to overcome adversity, which is hard because I think life just throws adversity around in a way that doesn't really care who you are or what the fuck, if you've experienced it before or not, you know?

Yeah. Life doesn't give a. Going back to that. There is that guy that has, like, no limbs at all, but he climbs mountains. I saw something. Yeah. He climbed, like, one of the tallest mountains in Africa or something.

Yeah.

And he has no arms or legs, but. Yeah. Going back to, like, adversity. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, it's kind of like, how do you come up to the plate for it A lot of the times, but most of times we don't. I think that's okay, too. It's like, I don't know. We learned from that adversity, even though we might have not came to the challenge too, and stuff like that.

Yeah. Yeah. That guy. That guy. Well, there's a lot. I mean, that guy's doing pretty good. But I also think about all the people who don't have arms and legs who are like, man, this is not. I don't like this.

Yeah, that's true, too. Damn. Yeah. Like, life. Life can be like that.

Well, realize, I guess. I guess. You know what? You're making me feel grateful to have arms and legs, which is, I think, honestly, probably the baseline to wake up every day with is just grateful you have arms and legs, for sure.

But definitely try doing stuff with your opposite hand, though. It definitely puts you into, like, perspective and it give. It keeps you. Because you were talking about presence a lot. You talk about that flow state. It gives you that presence, I feel like. Because you're actually going to have to focus on the task you're doing, even though. Because most of the time we do it mindlessly with that dominant hand. Or something like that. But yeah, I feel like everyone even chat or anyone that might listen to this. Yeah. Try to do things that you're not usually comfortable with. And that can be simple things because it kind of. Yeah. Puts those things in perspective, you know.

What's your name again, sir?

Oh, I went by Poop, but Poop I go by yeah, but, but, but I did call you with flying loads at one time and I was so nervous and I really wanted to call back and I think it went way better because I actually knew what to talk about. But yeah, you know, shit happens and then yeah, we're here again.

So yeah, Poop. Is there anything else you want to say to the people, the computer before we go?

Stay yourself, guys. Do what you love. And yeah, love you Gak.

Thank you, Poop. You have a good rest of the night. Good luck to you, sir.

All right, you too.

Yeah, I this why I don't like doing. I'm okay with like embarrassing myself, but I don't like doing, putting myself out there, like physically. Like I have no interest in skydiving or skateboarding or anything where you can like really yourself up. But I have respect for people who do do that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's stock up savings time now through March 25th. Spring in for storewide deals and earn four times the points. Look for in store tax to earn on eligible household items like Ziploc freezer bags and dinner essentials like Hunt's diced tomatoes and Tillamook shredded cheese, plus many more. Then clip the offer in our app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Unknown]

All right, I want you to use this tip to find moments of self care time in your busy day. Brought to you by the all new Nissan Murano. The colors we wear can impact our mood, like a quick little rundown of how different colors affect us. Yellow equals optimism and focus. Orange, energy and confidence. Blue, calm and productivity. Red, excitement and boldness. Green, balance and good decision making. Green is also positive vibes. So if you wake up one morning, you're trying to get ready for work or your day and you're just feeling kind of blah. Maybe throw on a color that lifts your mood or try a different outfit that you know you feel your best in. Who cares if you even wore it the other day? If it's an awesome outfit, give it a go again. Listen to four things with Amy Brown. Wherever you get Your podcasts for more of this episode brought to you by the all new Nissan Murano.

[Ashley Iaconetti]

This is Ashley Iconetti from the Ben and Ashley I Almost famous podcast. You could have lost 10 pounds already if you already started one month ago. So are you ready to start today? Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in just 3 minutes at try fh.com try fh.com try fH.com results vary based on start weight and adherence to diet, exercise and program goals. Data based on independent studies sponsored by Future Health. Future Health is not a healthcare services provider. Meds are prescribed at providers discretion.

[Unknown]

It's tax season and by now. I know we're all a bit tired of numbers, but here's an important one you need to hear. $16.5 billion. That's how much money in refunds the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Here's another 20%. That's the overall increase in identity theft related to tax fraud in 2024 alone. But it's not all grim news. Here's a good number. 100 million. That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, LifeLock's US based restoration specialists will fix it, backed by another good number, the million dollar protection plan. In fact, restoration is guaranteed or your money back. Don't face identity theft and financial losses alone. There's strength in numbers with Lifelock. Identity theft protection for tax season and beyond. Join now and save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off terms apply.

Hello? Hey. Hey, what's up? What's your name?

My name's Graciana. We've talked once before.

Graciana. How long ago did we talk?

It was like when you like, you know, when Covid was, was a thing that everyone was. We were all hiding from. Well, some of us. Some of us are.

Anyone?

Okay, so a lot. A while ago.

Yeah. Yeah. The last subject we talked about, I was explaining how I had my first kid at 15 and my next one at 22. And the difference between the two and.

Oh, well, how are they doing? How are the kids?

Oh, you know, that's, that's a complicated. Listen, kids, my, my three year old, he changes every day, if not every week, if not like every month. And he's a little easier because, you know, he's, he's three in the way of, you know, it's. He can't talk that much. My 11 year old. She's on this whole discovering herself and questioning life and, and I mean, some stuff is going on there for sure. That's kind of terrifying in the way of. She obviously has depression and she's made it clear that, you know, she's, she's asking for help and.

She's 11.

Yeah, she's 11, dude.

Oh man. So how do you. It's. I've been thinking, you know, it's funny. So I don't think I'm going to have kids for a while, but I, I know that I want to eventually and I was thinking about that. I was like, how if, you know, like you, you, I, this is, this might be a negative viewpoint, but it's like, you know, I think having kids, like, can introduce a lot of joy in your life, but also a lot of suffering because like, whatever you take, whatever they have, you know, that's kind of part of your job. I, I think is like if your kid is suffering, you kind of have to, you know, be, be in that suffering with them to help. You got to dive into the black pit to help get him out of there and you got to go in there, you know, what, what is it? I mean, is that accurate? Do you feel that way?

I see. I feel a lot like. I think that we feel a lot of the same in that way. Like, although, you know, when I got pregnant at 15, I thought it was going to be a beautiful, wonderful thing. Obviously I was a fucking kid, right? But like, and then as, As I got older, like, and then having my newest, my, My newest boy, it's. I'm realizing that I have a lot. Like, I stopped. I, I essentially stopped at 15, kind of like discovering myself and all that. So I, I encourage people to just kind of enjoy themselves, like get to know themselves. Because yes, having a kid, it has given me a lot of joy and perspective, but it is also really hard. And it's at some times, like currently I feel like with my 11 year olds, it's kind of like you're, you don't know if, if you're going to get a thank you in the end for all of the actual sacrifices that you do make in just like mentally and physically and like, and you know, just like all the, all the stuff, the, the doctor visits, the. It's, it's just, it's you, it's you caring for a whole other person. And also like I'm, I'm, you know, I knew after a while that I'm essentially teaching her what, what life is going to be like everything, everything that I give her, like, she's, she's watching me like how I handle things. That's how she's going to handle things, right?

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

You're giving her the context of life.

Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I was 15 when I had her. And so it wasn't the prettiest scene, you know, it really wasn't. I mean, granted, I don't like, it wasn't like a, you know, I don't, I don't know. Me and my partner are both 15, so it was, it was, it was like two kids that all of a sudden moved in together and like my family is falling apart. So then I all of a sudden was like adopted by his mom with my brothers. And so it's just like, to a certain extent I understand why, why it was so hard for. Because I was fucking 15. And so like, it wasn't, it wasn't about, oh, I should, I should be not crying in the closet. And I hate to sad all the time. Like I should be, I don't know, trying to do things and pay more attention and, and I don't know, dude, I think kids is, I think having kids is a beautiful thing. And. But I also feel like it's. It's not, it's not what they told us, you know?

Are you still with the, that you're still with the guy that you had the kid with?

Not my 11 year old. I'm with a new partner and he's the father of my three year old.

Okay. Okay. And how, how is he? Because I feel like that is the. Because this is really feels like something you kind of can't do alone. It feels like something that, that you got to have the right person to do it with.

Absolutely. And that is something that I really, really advocate for. Like, I'm like the. You just want to, you know how they say you like want to vet someone kind of. Like, you kind of want to vet someone in the way of how are they going to be in a tough situation if your kid like is crying and it's been fucking hours and you're both sleep deprived and like you're irritated, obviously and they're irritated, how are they going to handle it? Or like, I don't know, it's. How, how do they, how did they take care of you and pick up the house? And how does your guys's relationship kind of like feel together? And, and because it's. Once you have a kid, it's balancing your relationship with this person and then also Having a child together and being a, it's, it's, it's a mixed bag. Patience. Patience and really, really getting to know that person a little bit.

And how's your new partner doing with all that?

He's been great, you know, he's. He really. Sometimes I get worried that like I'm. I don't know because my last relationship was so. It just, I didn't, I only like it, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't the sweetest at times, so I was kind of. I don't know. I feel like I'm kind of hard sometimes in the way of like, I don't, I don't know, I, I get scared of keeping things to myself. So I'll just like say what I'm thinking or whatever. Not like negative stuff but like, I don't know, I'm pretty open about if I think someone's pretty or not. And I think that, that sometimes kind of affect like how he feels sometimes. And I feel kind of like.

Well, if you say like another girl.

Is pretty or like a guy or something, but yeah, girls too.

Sure. Well, you have a. Buzzing in the background. What is that?

That is my sister trying to call me. She likes to call me every day.

Oh, that's nice. Do you ever get. You have a good relationship with your sister or I guess, I guess not good enough that you're gonna hang up on me to call it to talk to her. But is it good?

Yeah, I mean she, I love her. She's younger. She's. She's actually my first. My last partner's sister. Like I, I moved in with them at 15 basically and he had three. Two. No, I think it was.

I think.

It was two at the time. Two brothers and then a sister because.

Oh, so this is like your, this is like your ex sister in law, but you just call her your sister?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Well, let me see here, let me think. Well, I guess I'll ask you this before we go is. I guess so. On the. Let's do this. On the topic of self discovery and whatnot, do you feel as though you have been able to do any self discovery lately? And if so, have you learned anything?

Definitely. So something that really started, started like kickstarting everything is I started just going to like immediately after I graduated high school. My teacher was telling me go to college, go to college, go to college. And so I was like okay, whatever. And I went to college of the redwoods. Shout out. And I loved every English teacher I loved just like how we would, like, dissect things. And then that made me really think and keep thinking in the way of, like, I don't know, just like life. And I feel like no one that I was around was really thinking that way. And so it just kind of kept watering this. Well, what do I think and what. What would I like to do and what do I enjoy? And hey, this book is actually really interesting and like, things like that. And then like, also attending parenting classes and things like, I. I try to attend every parenting class that I can find just because even though they kind of, like talk about the same stuff, it's the other parents that are in there that really help and just make you, like, feel connected and think and learn new ways and feel like, you know, we're all just kind of figuring it out.

Well, I appreciate this, this perspective. This is a good. Is a good perspective to have. Because I think when you think it, when you. I don't know, when I. When I imagine life ahead, you always. You always imagine that everything's gonna be awesome and you kind of forget. You kind of look forward. Forward with rose colored glasses and you kind of forget that things remain difficult. But I don't know, you kind of pick your poison, I suppose, in life.

Yeah. Yeah, it's. It's a. It is. It is a giving thing. I don't want it to sound like I'm not grateful.

No, no, no, no. That's not what I'm implying at all. I was just kind of musing.

Yeah, it's. It is. I do feel like there's a rose. Like there's like rose colored glasses. Absolutely. Like there's still hardships and you're still gonna have different things that you're gonna have to learn to navigate through.

What's your name again?

Graciana.

Graciana, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

You guys should read Billions and Billions. It's a really fun book.

Billions and billions.

Mm.

Well, thank you, Graceiana. You have a good rest of the night.

You too, Lyle. Talk to you again someday.

Bye, Graciana.

Bye.

All right, let's look this up. Billions and billions. What is this? Billions and billions. Billions. Oh, it's a book by Carl Sagan. Billions and Billions. Thoughts on Life and Death at the Brink of the Millennium. No, I. No, I'm not reading this. But I'm. You know what? Look, we did. We had a good run with existentialist thought, and I'm coming back. I'm joining the Living. Dude, I'm joining the living. Sorry not to on this person's book recommendation, but I've. I. I want to. I'm not reading this book. I'm not reading Sisyphus. I'm reading the fucking Cat in the Hat. I'm reading. I don't know what's a. I'm just. I don't know. I'm trying to join. I'm trying to join the living. You know, how do I do I. How do you do that? How do you rejoin the living? You. You fucking play kickball. Yeah. Yeah. Get really into competitive super Smash Brothers, whatever it is. Yeah, I'm gonna join the living once more. That's my goal. But thank you. Crap. I forget what the person who I just talked to his name was because it was quite elegant. But I appreciate them, Sharon. Sharing their life. Sharing their life. Was it Casey Anna? Let me ask the Twitch chat. Is it Casey Onna, right? Casey Anna? I don't know. Maybe the is someone said to read the Lorax, so. Oh, Graciana. Okay, that was close. That was close. Graciana. Thank you very much, Graciana.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's stock up savings time now through March 25th. Spring in for storewide deals and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible household items like Ziploc freezer bags and dinner essentials like Hunt's diced tomatoes and Tillamook shredded cheese plus many more. Then clip the offer in our app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Unknown]

All right, I want you to use this tip to find moments of self care time in your busy day. Brought to you by the all new Nissan Murano. The colors we wear can impact our mood, like a quick little rundown of how different colors affect us. Yellow equals optimism and focus. Orange, energy and confidence. Blue, calm and productivity. Red, excitement and boldness. Green, balance and good decision making. Green is also positive vibes. So if you wake up one morning, you're trying to get ready for work or your day and you're just feeling kind of blah. Maybe throw on a color that lifts your mood. Or try a different outfit that you know you feel your best in. Who cares if you even wore it the other day? If it's an awesome outfit, give it a go again. Listen to four things with Amy Brown wherever you get your podcasts for more of this episode brought to you by the all new Nissan Murano.

[Ashley Iaconetti]

This is Ashley Akinetti from the Ben and Ashley I almost famous podcast. You could have lost 10 pounds already if you already started one month ago. So are you ready to start today? Find out if weight loss meds are right for you in just 3 minutes at try fh.com try fh.com try fH.com results vary based on start weight and adherence to diet, exercise and program goals. Database on independent studies sponsored by Future Health. Future Health is not a healthcare services provider. Meds are prescribed at providers discretion.

[Unknown]

This is Nikki Glaser from the Nikki Glaser podcast. On a more serious note, I'm still thinking about that commercial with Tom Brady.

And Snoop Dogg hating on each other.

Because when you listen to the reasons for hating someone or something, you realize just how stupid they really are. There is too much hate in this country and it's gotta stop. So join us at iHeart in standing up to it. If you see hate, speak up, call it out and you can learn more by following ot'supwithhate.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi there. What is your name?

My name is Jonathan.

Jonathan. What's going on, Jonathan? How is life?

Pretty. Pretty good, man. I'm, I'm kind of hanging out. I'm, I'm working from home. I'm just kind of, I'm just, just, just kind of around right now. I guess I had some free time. It's funny, I use, like. I don't know, I called and don't actually. I mean, things are all right, I guess. I'm like, just kind of. I've been busy. I've been, I've been traveling a bunch.

Good. I just, I just, just to make it clear, your life just. I guess the listeners, your life does not have to be on the brink of collapse for you to call into this show. In fact, in fact, I would prefer, I would prefer. You know what I love do. I know this is. I feel bad about this. It feels selfish. But like I just, I love doing the, the outside version of this show so much because it's like, I just like chat. I just like chatting with people, you know, Like I, I feel like I'm not equipped anymore to like, you know, help folks whose life is on the brink of collapse because I'm also feel like I'm in a dire state all the time and it's actually, it's, it's nice to just. I just like chatting with people. I really do. Like, I'm not. I've talked, I've fucking complained about this so Many times. But like, I like just chatting with folks. Yeah. So I'm happy to just chat. You do not need to be. Your life does not need to be on the brink of collapse for us to just chat.

Thick. Cool. I'm glad to hear it because I, I think there was a time long ago when I was in very dire straits, but I've been to real therapy and I got. I have normal things happening now and it's kind of chill now. You know, I like, I would, I.

Would love to hear how you got your life out of dire straits and how things have come to be chill.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, so I went to school in Florida where I went to school for engineering and that's how shit went awful. And you know, eventually you graduate and God willing, you get a job. So I did, and that one sucked. And so eventually started going to therapy to cope with all that and then eventually got a new job, moved across the country. I moved in with some buddies from college and I started working a way chiller job and I started to, you know, pay off debt, I guess, and I. And I found hobbies. So I spend all my time when, you know, I mean, I work a lot, but like, I spend a lot of time, you know, fucking doing things like I play dodgeball for fun and that shit rocks. And I make. I make mead and cider also for fun and to drink with my friends. It's been. I don't know, I feel I spent a good amount of time in therapy, some time on and then off of antidepressants and I don't know, now I'm just kind of hanging out. I had, I had yogurt for breakfast. It was all right. I don't know.

Which antidepressants were you. Were you rocking with? I've. I've recently gotten on the antidepressants train. Which, which ones have you been rocking with? With?

So I was pretty. I was lucky enough that, you know, they put you on Lexa Pro first and that worked for me. So I, I stuck with it for a little while. And that, that, that was pretty nice. I was on that for a little over a year, year and a half.

How long now? How long does it take? Because I know that like, the psychiatrist is like, okay, now, just so you know, the first three weeks of this, you are going to want to kill yourself every day, but that'll go away. That's what they always say.

Yeah.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

And I don't think my psychiatrist put it quite so bluntly, but he did what he said Was. Yeah, for the first, like, two, three, four weeks. It's gonna feel odd, is what he said. And I was like, can you elaborate? He's like, it's different for everyone, but it's gonna be a little weird.

Just.

Just stick with it. It's like, okay, man. Sure. And so, yeah, it was like, two, three, I think, four weeks. I want to say. It was like, after the third. Third or fourth week was when I started being able to, like, get out of bed regularly and, like, without as much difficulty, you know, stopped wanting to kill myself, which was cool. And it just kind of like. Yeah. I want to say that I felt like I was, like, properly in full swing after like, a month, month and a half, and then just like. It's one of those things that, like, yeah, the antidepressants aren't like. They're not. They're not the fixer. They just kind of make it easier for you to make the life changes that you probably need to make so that this. Start your life so that you can make your own life better.

What were the, like, okay, so you event. Yeah, okay. I mean, that's how it works, I think, right. Is like, you. Because it's. When your brain is, like, attacking you, you're like, oh, I'm too weak to, like, do the things I need to do to externally change the circumstances of my life and shit. Right. And so they kind of get you to the point where you're like, all right, I feel like I can actually, like, do things. So once you got to the point where you got so. So once you. Once you get to the point where you can actually do things, what were you doing that let kind of change circumstances?

I was, you know, it's like, just going out more. Not, like, going out to, like, bars. And, I mean, I guess I did that too, but, like, I was just, like, getting out of the house a little more, you know, I was, like, fucking taking out my garbage and, like, brushing my teeth, and, you know, I just started, like. You know, I signed up for a recreational sports league, you know, like, just. Just, like, exercising a little more and, like, cooked a little more. And it's like, it sounds like a lot to start. I didn't do all those things at the same time, obviously. It was like. I think I started with just taking out my garbage and, like, doing laundry more frequently. And then I was like, okay, well, eventually that became part of my routine. Like, okay, well, now I think I can add a little more to this plate. And so I started, you know, going on Walks, you know, seeing people more often. I started applying to jobs and I quit the job that was making me want to kill myself, things like that, you know, it was just like, just, just steadily adding a little bit more to the plate as I felt like I was able to eat them, you know.

And where did you move, did you say?

I moved. Moved from Orlando to New England, so I live like in the Boston metro. Yeah.

Okay. And what do you know? When did you move to Boston?

Three, three and a half years ago now.

And was it tough when you first made the move?

It was the thing that was tough. I saw I moved in the winter, so that kind of sucked. But I think more than anything was that, like, I didn't have a lease yet I moved here and I was just like bouncing around airbnbs for like 6 months until I actually, like, was able to live somewhere.

Yeah, I've done that. I've done that. Yeah.

Yeah, that was tough because I wasn't, I wasn't able to. So I had a roommate in Orlando whom I left, and I wasn't able to break my lease because it would have been too expensive, but he wouldn't, he wasn't helping me find a sublease. So I was just like, actually absolutely broke, paying two rents for like four or five months until, until the other lease ended and I could get on a new one and stop paying double rent. Yeah. But aside from that, like, the Social was easy a little bit because, like, I had a couple friends that lived here. It was kind of part of why this was a city that I had in mind. I mean, like, I got, I had a couple of buddies from college who were the guys who told me to move. They're like, hey, I think I visited them. We, we linked up for a wedding sometime in the summer. And, you know, we were just hanging out, like, having a few drinks. And eventually I was just like, drunkenly, I've been, you know, exploring Boston for a few days. I was like, guys, I could fucking, I should live here. And you know, everybody like, laughs. Ahaha, sure. And then like three months later, they called me and they're like, hey, man, so about you moving here, we want another roommate. It. You've got, you've got eight months to figure it out. And I was like, oh, okay, that's kind of, that's enough time. And so, you know, I updated my resume and I got on LinkedIn and stuff and I just, I, I figured it out. I guess I moved too early because obviously, like, their lease wasn't up. Until June or whatever. And so I moved in November. But, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I had friends. I have. I have some family in the general region. Like, I got family in, like, Connecticut and New Hampshire and stuff. So it's like, you know, I could make the trek out for those things if I. If I needed them. It was. It was weird, but. And I guess it was hard, but, like, at no point did it ever feel like it really sucked. I, like. I think this is a pretty cool town. You know? Like, the people are nice and the food is really good, so I'm hanging.

You know, pretty good. Pretty good. What is the. What is the job that you do out there?

I'm a. I'm an engineer. I design motion sensors. The company I work for, they do, like, bathroom appliances, so I design, like, the faucet sensors.

Oh, okay. Well, I gotta tell you something. You're doing a fucking shitty job because every time. Every time I use a public bathroom, those are not recognizing my hands, and I'm walking out of here with, you know, I. No soap, no.

Yeah.

No dryer, no nothing. So, you know, you got it. I don't know. I don't know what's going on at big bathroom motion sensors, but you. You got to make some changes on the inside, man, because it's not. Is. You guys aren't doing a good job.

Dude, I. I hear you, man. I mean, this wasn't even a job that I knew existed until it was my job, and now I. And I just got here. I was like, how the. How did. How the. Does this even work? You know? So. Yeah, I mean, I. I actually. I haven't been here long enough for you to have ever used one of my sensors. I don't think I got one. I have one sensor on the market right now, and it's a. It's a water bottle filler. But aside from that, like, yeah, we're still. We're still in the R D phase for everything else. It's. It's a weird. It's a weird job. I don't know, but. Yeah, I mean, go ahead, you know, leave me a shitty Yelp review and. And we'll see if we can't get your faucets replaced.

Every time I walk out of an airport bathroom with wet hands, I'm gonna be like, fucking Jonathan.

Yeah, man. Fuck that guy. Jonathan. No, man, he blew it.

That's cool, though. That's cool. It sounds like you have a good. A good thing going on. Are you still living with those two guys?

Yeah. Yeah, it's it's pretty good. I mean, one of them's moving out, but we got another guy coming in. It's. It's hanging. We're chilling. It's. It's. We've been living in this apartment, basically. This is the apartment that I moved into. It's been three years, and I'm not going anywhere. It's just me, the boys, and a cat. It's been nice.

How old are you guys? What's the age range of the. Of the. Of the boys?

We're 28, 29.

Cool. Pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's been solid. Yeah. I.

Now.

I don't know. Now we're just like. We've kind of, like, exited the stage of getting used to each other, and now we're just kind of. I don't know, we're around and, like, just playing sports, I guess. You know, we had a. We had a. We had a St. Patty's Day party. That was one thing. It's like, St. Patrick's Day is not a thing that people give much of a about in Florida, at least not in my experience. So I moved here, and it's like, oh, no, you guys do this up. This is. This is real, dude, you drink a lot. You drink a lot. Actually, that's one thing I would say so. When I was on my antidepressants, you know, like, I wouldn't say I like to go crazy when I drink, but I like to have a few drinks, you know, I've never been. I have blacked out in my life four times, and all of. Four of those times were while I was on antidepressants.

Yeah, they do tend to amplify the effects of, like, drugs and alcohol.

Dude, it was nuts. It was absolutely nuts. I mean, like, it wasn't like, oh, I had five or six drinks. It's like, no, I'm on beer number four, and I don't remember yesterday anymore, you know? Like. So, yeah, some crazy shit happened while I was. While I was on antidepressants, and eventually I was just like, I don't know. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna stop drinking, but I guess I. I guess I can't. I guess I have to, you know? So that was a weird. That was a weird stage, you know?

Did you get. What was I gonna say? Did you get into any trouble when you blacked out? Like, did you. Did you fuck yourself up? Or was it typically pretty controlled blackout?

I would say the weirdest thing that happened to me while I was on antidepressants blacking out was that I. I went to a birthday like travel day. We went to, we got an Airbnb in like Pensacola, Florida and I blacked out and I learned that I had like slept with a girl while I was fully blacked out the first night. And that was like, I guess it was fine. It was like a long weekend and clearly nobody felt weird about it. I felt a little weird because these were all new people to me. Like I didn't know them that well. So I woke up after the first night and everybody was being like super chummy with me and super like cool and like friendly. Like we had clearly made great memories except I couldn't remember fucking any of them.

Yeah.

So I was like, okay, great. Now I'm with all these strangers and they're being extra nice to me. And also I guess I'm sleeping with one of them. And I was like, okay, well you know, we're going to relax a little bit and I'm gonna remember tonight. It was like a two or three day weekend. So the second night happens and it happens again. I, the exact same thing, like fully blacked out, apparently slept with the same girl. And apparently, you know, everybody had a blast and we're all good friends now. And so I was just like, I was like flabbergast. I was like, okay, this is cool, I guess. So that was. Weekend ends and I go home and I'm like, okay, cool. Well, now I have new friends, I think. And also there's a girl I guess I'm interested in. I should probably take her out on like a proper date and like, you know, see how that goes. So I do, and we have a couple glasses of wine at dinner and it happens again. And so I have gone, I've been like, apparently I've known this girl for a while and I've apparently slept with her a number of times and I had forgotten every single time of it. And at that point I was just done. I was like, this, this sucks. You know what? I think I'm good. I'm good on Gainesville. I just, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna stop doing whatever the fuck this is. And so yeah, I think that was, that was my inciting event. I stopped talking to that girl and I just stopped drinking for a while until I was off the ed. It was a fucking bummer essentially.

I've never blacked out to the point where like I don't remember member stuff, you know, like that's, it's a, that's an interesting phenomenon. Like, I, I don't know what that's like.

I remember, I remember, like, screenshots, you know, I got. I have a couple glimpses. They're in there somewhere, you know, and I could recall them to the best of my. Like, if I recalled them, I could get a little bit, you know, it was one of those things, like, I could wake up having known that I had done that. Right. But, yeah, it was bizarre. And I've never had that experience since, like, even this past St. Patrick's Day. I mean, I had a fair amount to drink, you know, at St. Patrick's Day, but I was like, perfectly. I remember it all. It was, it's all in here. So, yeah, I will say it's bizarre. It's comforting when somebody tells you, hey, yeah, hey, man, you were pretty drunk. Wasn't that fun? And like, there was no, there's no bad news. So, like, at the very least that was comforting. But it's, it's bizarre and not very, like, I don't know, it never. It doesn't feel good, I'll tell you that.

Yeah, I'm sure. Jonathan, John, thanks for sharing your life story. This was cool. I always like. I always like a story of someone turning their life around. You know, it gives, it gives. It gives hope to the people. So thanks for giving hope to the people. Yeah, you know, you should do a better job at making the sensors in the bathrooms work, but other than that, other than that, you're doing pretty good. Is there anything else you want to say to the people, the computer before we go, Jonathan?

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're, if anybody's thinking of, I guess, turning your life around or whatever, just. Just find something you think is cool and do it. Just like, be somewhere regularly. Be at the, I don't know. Yeah, be at a sport, be at the mall, be at a coffee shop. Just be somewhere you'll meet people and they'll probably help you through it. You know, it's, it's, it's. It's not easy, but it is a little simple.

Hey, take care, Jonathan. Good luck.

Yeah, man, you too.

I do agree with that. That's good, good advice. That's good advice. I mean, that is kind of the secret. I think the community is just showing up regularly somewhere, you know, you, everyone, you kind of want to try to accomplish big things in one fell swoop, but at the end of the day it's like, yeah, fuck, you got to put in reps to fucking do anything. That was Jonathan. This was the therapy gecko. Podcast. Thank you all very much for listening. Thank you to everyone who, by the way, came out to my Trash Art event. If you still want to come see it, it's on display at The Kaleidoscope Gallery, 266 Irving Avenue, Brooklyn, New York. It's on display, I think, until the 22nd if you want to come see my trash. Thank you everyone who came to that event. That was fun. I want to do more shit like that. I don't know what exactly. I don't know where exactly. Probably, probably still in New York. But you know, I'll be doing more shit like that. So stay tuned. Thank you all very much. I shall return soon with more podcasts of talking to people and learning about life by by talking to people. I've been a gecko and this has been the Therapy Gecko podcast. Thank you all for listening. Hello folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to by becoming a premium member of Therapy gecko over at therapygecko.supercast.com Supercast subscribers get access to bonus episodes. They get a completely ad free podcast feed of the regular show. They get recordings from my live shows members only streams and they help support my ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip from this week's members only bonus episode.

You guys would probably love each other, like, not in like, oh, you guys should get married and live this long.

Life out, but more like you guys.

Should bang it out and, you know, get off my back a little bit.

That was nice of you, by the way, to set up your ex wife with your boss.

Yeah, like bygones are bygones. We're totally cool. We have a better relationship now than we ever did at any point in our marriage.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it works out well. But she got pregnant within two weeks of even meeting him. But he can't stand her and I understand it.

If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium [e-mail] or find the link in the episode description. That's Therapygecko Supercast. All right, I have nothing else to say.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's stock up savings time now through March 25th. Spring in for storewide deals and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible snacks like Pepperidge Farms, Goldfish and Kettle Chips, or sweet treats like Keebler Cookies, Hostess Snack cakes, M&MS. And Ben and Jerry's, plus many more. Then clip the offer in our app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Unknown]

Does this podcast make you happy? Of course it does. That's why you're here. But it only comes out once a week for happiness, every night. You need Adam and Eve. Yes. I'm talking about sex toys. It's cool.

It's cool.

You have earbuds in right? Adam and Eve, America's most trusted source for adult products, has been making people very happy for over 50 years, with thousands of toys for both men and women. Just go to AdamAndEve.com now and enter code IHEART for 50% off. Almost any one item, plus free discreet shipping. That's AdamAndEve.com, code IHEART for 50% OFF.

PayPal lets you pay all your pals like your graduation gifters.

Who's paying for the mattress topper?

You mean the beanbag chair?

Aren't we getting a mini fridge?

[Casey]

Can we create a pool on PayPal? It lets us collect the money before we buy.

[Unknown]

Ooh, yes, that's smart.

Gl we can agree on something easily. Pool split and Send Money with PayPal. Get started in the PayPal app, a PayPal account is required to send and receive money. A balance account is required to create a pool.

If you've got a move coming up.

You really need to look into United Van Lines, the Do it all moving specialists. With United Van Lines, you don't worry about a thing. You have a dedicated moving coordinator, qualified drivers, and full value protection for your possessions. Compare that to a couple of dudes manhandling your family heirlooms or cramming your things in a container on your driveway. Rather than hope for the best, you deserve a hassle.

Free move.

Visit unitedvanlines.com Big moves, small moves All Moves Easy Choice.