“I’VE BEEN LIVING IN MY TRUCK”

Summary

Therapy Gecko – "I'VE BEEN LIVING IN MY TRUCK"

Podcast: Therapy Gecko
Host: Lyle (aka Therapy Gecko)
Date: October 19, 2025
Episode Summary by AI

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Lyle (Therapy Gecko), dons his classic lizard persona to engage with three callers whose stories bring up themes of loss, grief, newfound freedom, loneliness, mental health, community, and the search for meaning in everyday life. From a truck driver living out of his cab after a breakup, to a young mother battling anxiety and distrust, and a fan who finds community among strangers in a park—this episode is a rich tapestry of contemporary American life, both poignant and humorous, with Lyle's compassionate, irreverent touch throughout.

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Key Discussions & Insights

1. Life After Breakup: The Truck Driver's Tale (Nasty Butler)

[02:05 – 29:54]

Setting the Scene

• Caller: "Nasty Butler" (CB radio handle, not real name)
• Situation: Recently broke up with his fiancée of nine years, living in his work truck while driving 70 hours a week.

Identity & Freedom

• Adopts trucker alter-ego “Nasty Butler” from a movie parody, discussing the split between work and personal selves.
• Quote: “As a working man, I’m a little bit more detail oriented... when you’re at home, you just... don’t give a fuck” (03:52 – Nasty Butler)

Processing Grief and Freedom

• Feels both liberated and lost after the breakup and absence of previous ties (house, dog, fiancée).
• Quote: "I feel, like, freer in a way, but still kind of down that I don't have my fiancée anymore.” (04:40 – Nasty Butler)

Relationship Reflections & Breakup Details

• Both he and his ex desired a nomadic life but were limited by responsibilities (her family, obligations).

• Breakup was over text after an unclear conversation about being present in the relationship.

• She had a new boyfriend within days, making him think it was planned.

• Gecko Reaction:
  “You were with this woman for nine years? …Have you heard from her since?” (09:39, 09:43 – Lyle)
  Quote: “...She’ll call, like, at least once a week and, you know, just chat. But it’s kind of cordial.” (09:46 – Nasty Butler)

Life on the Road

• Describes the realities of living in the truck, working long hours, waiting at truck stops.
• Company knows he’s living in the truck; he recently told them to set “home time” a year away because he has nowhere to go (13:01).
• Finds solace in podcasts, music, app coding, and self-reflection—revealing both creativity and solitude.

Future Plans

• Wants to walk across the country or buy a van, but postpones such adventures to save money from his trucking job.
• Quote: "I think the plan is to save up a bunch of money so that I have a good amount saved so that I can do grand adventures.” (18:26 – Nasty Butler)

Memorable Moments

• Lyle’s deep empathy for the caller’s resilience:
  "Talking to that caller just now gave me a lot of perspective on my own life. …You gotta give him some credit." (30:03 – Lyle)

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2. Anxiety, Mistrust, and Single Motherhood (Michaela)

[34:36 – 67:53]

Opening Up About Anxiety

• Caller: “Michaela” (assigned name for anonymity)

• Background: 25-year-old single mother in New Mexico, struggling with feeling like others are “out to get her”—leading to anxiety, difficulty with relationships, and recurring bouts in therapy.

• Quote: "Sometimes I just feel like everybody, like, does things to… make me feel bad.” (36:34 – Michaela)

• Lyle shares he once had similar feelings in high school (37:50).

Therapy, Self-Image & Paranoia

• Michaela describes a cycle of noticing small social cues, catastrophizing, and then feeling guilty for reacting negatively.
• Quote: "I just feel like I’m a mean person, you know?” (37:19 – Michaela)
• Discusses productive but painful progress in therapy, and how anxiety interferes with her social and work life.

The Weight of Motherhood & Isolation

• Details her struggles as a single mom since her son’s father left; copes with help from parents.

• Feels guilty for the possibility of her mental health affecting her child. Talks about her attempts to build better coping mechanisms for both herself and her son.

• Quote: "I know I’m still dealing with a lot of things... It’s important for me to not have him see me in the state I was before." (63:13 – Michaela)

Philosophy on the Self, Perspective, and Recovery

• Lyle discusses the dangers of letting one's mental illness become their identity, emphasizing the power of perspective and narrative reframing.
• Quote: "If there’s... anything you can think of wanting to do, you have to do it right fucking now." (28:55 – Lyle, originally to Nasty Butler, but echoed here in spirit)
• Encourages Michaela: “You could feed that wolf in your brain... I hope you choose to feed a different narrative about yourself...” (65:08 – Lyle)

Powerful Takeaway

• Michaela admits she’s still learning; Lyle commends her for seeking help and being “in charge of [her] son's childhood and his feelings for the rest of his life” (61:32).

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3. Spontaneous Community & Vibes in Washington Square Park (Christian)

[71:54 – 81:28]

Serendipitous Search for the Gecko

• Caller: Christian

• Story: Sought out Therapy Gecko in NYC’s Washington Square Park, didn’t find him but instead stumbled into an impromptu communal smoke session with strangers talking about life, weed, and his quest.

• Quote: “It was like the therapy gecko but with random people in the park. Like, we were just all talking about random shit.” (74:12 – Christian)

• Lyle refers to “weirdo hours” in Washington Square Park (73:06) and embraces the vibe of communal connection.

On Weed, Law, & Driving

• Christian, a Floridian, comments on the stark difference in attitudes and laws around weed between Florida and NY.
• Funny, classic debate about whether it’s “OK” to smoke weed and drive, with Lyle humorously shutting down Christian’s rationalizations.
• Quote: “It’s an objectively bad thing to get high and drive.” (78:46 – Lyle)

Final Words of Advice

• Christian: “Don’t drink and drive. But maybe, you know, maybe it’s okay to do some other things while driving if your body allows you to.” (80:35–80:40)
• Lyle: “Thank you for calling, Chris. …Take it easy.” (81:21, 81:24)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On life post-breakup:
  “I could live anywhere in the world. Well, in the United States at this point...” (04:35 – Nasty Butler)

• On the trucker’s loneliness:
  “Do you get lonely on the road?”
  “For like spurts, for like minutes. I’ve always kind of been a solo kind of person.” (14:19–14:23)

• Michaela’s self-awareness and progress:
  “It's definitely not enough because I know I’m still dealing with a lot of things.” (62:07)

• Lyle, on mental illness and self-narrative:
  “If I say to myself, 'I’m mentally ill, or I have clinical depression…' I fear to feed into this, like, narrative of, like, I’m a label of something, you know, which I don't like.” (57:27)

• Advice about perspective:
  “I hope you choose to feed a different narrative about yourself, this situation, rather than the one that scares you.” (65:08)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:05–29:54 | Nasty Butler: Truck Driving, Breakup, Freedom & Grief | | 34:36–67:53 | Michaela: Anxiety, Therapy, Trust, and Single Motherhood | | 71:54–81:28 | Christian: The Search for Therapy Gecko and Washington Sq. Park |

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Tone & Language

• Conversational, reflective, occasionally irreverent.
• Lyle (Therapy Gecko) balances humor and genuine compassion, helping callers find perspective without judgment.
• Callers reveal vulnerabilities, hopes, and doubts with honesty and rawness.

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Conclusion

This episode is quintessential Therapy Gecko: real struggles, absurd humor, and earnest connection. Whether it’s a man reviving his life while living in a truck, a mother fighting for mental stability for herself and her son, or a stoner searching for a lizard man in NYC, the message is the same—find community where you can, question the narratives you feed, and give yourself credit for trying.

Transcript

[Michaela]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Nasty Butler]

We have no stores. That means no small talk.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Crazy weather we're having. No, it's not.

[Nasty Butler]

It's just weather.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Therapy Gecko]

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[Ad Host 1]

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[Ad Host 2]

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[Nasty Butler]

So your AI agents, they make the team that uses them more productive, right? But if they aren't connected to other agents or your data or your existing workflows, how productive can they really make your teams? Any business can add AI agents. IBM connects your agents across your company to change how you do business.

[Christian]

Let's create Smile.

[Nasty Butler]

IBM. Hello.

[Therapy Gecko]

Hey, what's up, man?

[Nasty Butler]

Hey, what's going on? Is this the Gick?

[Therapy Gecko]

It is. What's your name?

[Nasty Butler]

You can call me the Nasty Butler.

[Therapy Gecko]

The Nasty Butler. I like that. How did you come up with the Nasty Butler?

[Nasty Butler]

It's a CD handle I got from a movie.

[Therapy Gecko]

It's a CD handle. Oh, so like, it's the. Wait, what does that mean? A CD handle from a movie, Like.

[Nasty Butler]

A CB is the radio that, like truck drivers use to communicate with other truck drivers. A handle is a nickname, right?

[Therapy Gecko]

Because on the road you all have secret identities that's right.

[Nasty Butler]

Interesting secret identity is the Nasty Butler. Thumb Wars.

[Therapy Gecko]

Thumb Wars. What is Thumb Wars?

[Nasty Butler]

Thumb words. It's a parody of Star wars made from thumbs with faces on it from the guy that made Jimmy Neutron. Funny movie.

[Therapy Gecko]

Now, I don't know what your real name is, but when you're yourself, just in your house, you're not on the road, do you feel a stark difference between you as whoever you really are and you. And you are the Nasty Butler?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, totally, man. It's pretty surreal sometimes. I mean, it's kind of like, I'm sure you've had a job before. You know, you're kind of a different person when you're at your job and then you go home and you're just yourself.

[Therapy Gecko]

How would you describe the difference between you and the Nasty Butler?

[Nasty Butler]

Damn, that's a good question. I don't know. I think as a truck driver, I'm a little bit more. Well, as a working man, I'm a little bit more detail oriented. And, you know, when you're at home, you're just kind of like, laissez faire, relax, don't give a fuck, you know? Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

What is it you wanted to talk about today, Nasty Butler?

[Nasty Butler]

I don't know. I did text you that, you know, recently my fiance broke up with me like, four months ago. We were together for, like, nine years. And so now I'm just living in the truck, trying to figure out what I'm going to do next. Been looking at, like, some apartments, and I kind of realized, like, I could live anywhere in the world. Well, in the United States at this point. But, you know, before I was kind of tied to where I lived before, you know, had a dog, girlfriend, house, life and all that. And now I feel, like, freer in a way, but still kind of down that I don't have my fiance anymore. But, yeah, I could live anywhere, you know, looking at cars. Yeah, that's kind of cool.

[Therapy Gecko]

That's an interesting balance, that freedom versus the gr. It's like a freedom versus grief almost.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to, like, convert my grief into a positive by like, okay, now I can kind of figure out what's next. And, yeah, kind of opened up.

[Therapy Gecko]

So. So let's talk about this. While you were in that relationship, did you have any sense of festering within you that you wanted to be free and go places and do things if only you were not tied to where.

[Nasty Butler]

You were, you know, sort of. But she also had that desire, so it was always kind of like, oh, let's like, walk across the country, or, like, let's go stealth camping three hours away, and then, you know, let's travel somewhere. Let's live in a van together. It was always kind of like, we both had the same idea of not wanting to stay put and, like, experience new things. But now. But before, it was kind of like, you know, we had to do it together. You know, it was like we needed permission from each other to kind of do those things. But now it's all up to me, and so that's kind of where I feel more free now than I did. That makes sense.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yes. Yes. Was she the holdout?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, sort of. Because she was always like, oh, I have family here, you know, that, like, she takes care of her family. And so he's like, you know, we can't travel for, like, a month or two because there was always, like, obligations and rent, you know, for example. And for me, it was always like, like, I don't. I don't really care. Like, we could not pay rent. We could lose the house. It's fine. Like, let's just go live life and.

[Therapy Gecko]

Do something interesting, you know? What's so funny is my. My friend. I was. I was in the car once with my friend and his girlfriend, and my friend was, like, said to his girlfriend, if you broke up with me, I would be living in this car tomorrow.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. It's pretty real, and you could definitely do it. It's really easy to live in a vehicle. Like, right now, I'm living in this truck. I don't have many things, which is nice. So, like, everything that I had at my house fits in this truck. Like, clothes and a laptop, and it's fine.

[Therapy Gecko]

Are you a little bit more into roughing it than she is?

[Nasty Butler]

You know, I think I'm. No, No. I think we were pretty equal, unruffing it and, like, minimalist lifestyle.

[Therapy Gecko]

Hmm. Can I ask? Only if you, like, want to talk about it. Like, why did the relationship end?

[Nasty Butler]

You know, I never got a straight answer. For the most part, she was pretty much like. She drove me to the truck one day and was like, hey, you know, we need to, like, work on some things and, like, be more present and stuff like that. And I was like, okay, cool. Like, I can definitely work on that. Like, I realized that it's hard because I'm on the road for a week to two weeks at a time, then come home for three days and then go back out, so it's kind of hard to be present. But I was like, yeah, you know, I'll work on these things. And then two days later, she texts me and is like, yeah, you know, we're gonna break up. Like, damn, that sucks.

[Therapy Gecko]

It was over text.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

You were with this woman for nine years?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Have you heard from her since?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, she. You know, we kind of agreed to stay friends, so, like, she'll call, like, at least once a week and, you know, just chat. But it's kind of cordial. It's fine. Just slowly. Still trying to get over it. Mostly got over it, but it seems like she got over it right away, you know, it seemed like she was kind of planning her out. It felt like she was planning her out for, like, maybe months before she actually broke up with me.

[Therapy Gecko]

How do you feel?

[Nasty Butler]

I'm okay. I'm okay.

[Christian]

It's just weird.

[Nasty Butler]

It's weird to be where I'm at right now because I was in a place for nine years emotionally, you know, and now it's just different. So I'm trying to, like, figure out my life again, you know?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, you're somewhere new now. How. How old are you?

[Nasty Butler]

30.

[Therapy Gecko]

Okay, so you spent. This is actually, like. I don't know. This is interesting to me, your predicament, because you've spent your entire 20s in a one. Yeah, you're right. One particular, like, emotional mindset, and now you're like, oh, all right, I can do whatever now. 30 is the new 20. You ever heard that?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is. Yeah. So, yeah, so I'm looking at apartments, but I don't even know if I want to live in an apartment, you know, I don't want to be tied to a particular location, per se. I don't even know where I would want to go. I know I don't really want to live where I lived before. Kind of want to experience, like, other places, but I feel like if I buy a van and, you know, live out of that while I'm not driving the truck, then I can still travel around a little bit and figure out where I want to be.

[Therapy Gecko]

Hmm. What places are on your docket?

[Nasty Butler]

I'm thinking Texas, maybe. So I live in the. I've lived most of my life in the Northeast, so I kind of want to check out, like, South Texas, Florida, Georgia, maybe.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, you should do it. I mean, so it's been four. How? You've been living in the truck for four months? Yeah.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Have you been driving it around.

[Christian]

As.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, like, you know, for work. You know, I work 70 hours a week as a truck driver, so. Driving from place to place. They don't let me like take the truck when I'm not doing work things to go places. So like right now I'm just at a truck stop for my break and for sleep.

[Therapy Gecko]

And does the company know that you're living in the your work truck?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. So they were like, oh, when do you want home time? And I was like, you know what, just set it for July of 2026 because I don't have anywhere to go. So they're like, okay, fine.

[Therapy Gecko]

Life as a truck driver is kind of, kind of crazy. I mean, are you're working seven, you're on the road just driving for 70 hours a week?

[Nasty Butler]

Yep.

[Therapy Gecko]

What do you do during that time?

[Nasty Butler]

Listen to therapeutic gecko podcasts, other podcasts, music, call friends. A lot of times they don't pick up because other people are not spending 70 hours sitting.

[Therapy Gecko]

Right. It's funny, man. You know, I, I feel like I don't get to think that often about like this podcast out in the universe, but I'm, I'm, I feel, I feel kind of honored to be in your truck.

[Nasty Butler]

Cool, man. Yeah. Yeah. Every time you post one, I listen to it. I really like the. Yeah, you already know.

[Therapy Gecko]

Do you get lonely on the road?

[Nasty Butler]

You know, for like spurts, for like minutes? I'll be like, man, I wish somebody was here. And then I just kind of get over it. I've always kind of been a solo kind of person.

[Therapy Gecko]

How long have you been doing that for?

[Nasty Butler]

Driving truck?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Nasty Butler]

Two years.

[Therapy Gecko]

What did you do before that?

[Nasty Butler]

Just general like warehouse labor, work, restaurants, stuff like that. Nothing too serious.

[Therapy Gecko]

So when do you get time off to go on your adventures?

[Nasty Butler]

When do I. Yeah, so I can pretty much ask them, like whenever. So after 70 hours you get 34 hour break. So because I don't have a car right now, I can't really do that. So I'm just at truck stops for 34 hours. But as soon as I get a car and figure out where I want to put that car so that I could park the truck next to it, and then I will be going on many adventures.

[Therapy Gecko]

Was the amount of time you were spending on the road harmful to your relationship?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, I think it definitely was. And you know, it was something that my girlfriend never said that was an issue. And I was, I would always apologize for it. And she's like, oh, it's fine. Like, you know, you're making money for us, like, we're trying to build the life. And I was like, yeah, but, you know, it kind of sucks, but I definitely feel like that was a huge cause of the breakup, was I'm not around. Oh, you want to know something cool, too?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Christian]

She.

[Nasty Butler]

She got a boyfriend, like, two days after we broke up.

[Therapy Gecko]

Oh, wow.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. So I kind of think that was in the works while I've been on the road. Yeah, just. Just a theory, but, bro, you're like.

[Therapy Gecko]

You're like a military husband.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, right.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah. Really? You're. That's kind of your. Like, the deal is she's, like, away. Like, you're away for such long periods of time.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Is it good money?

[Nasty Butler]

It's pretty good money. Like, 1800 a week.

[Therapy Gecko]

And you want to walk across the country?

[Nasty Butler]

I would. I would totally walk across the country. When I was leaving high school, my plan was to walk from the northeast to the south. Like, camp along the way and stuff like that.

[Therapy Gecko]

That's cool.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, I think that would be pretty fun.

[Therapy Gecko]

Is that on your plan? Is that on your list of things to do now that you have your freedom?

[Nasty Butler]

Well, I think I would not be able to be a truck driver, considering the time is so demanding. Like, I would only get three days off before I have to get back in the truck. It was. Can't walk that fast.

[Therapy Gecko]

So when would you. When would you do. Because you're telling me about, like, all these, like, grand adventures, I guess, that you want to go on, right? And you seem like. And listen, you're not a. You're not a fancy pants. You're like. Well, you're. What? You're. You know, your ex was like, what do we do about rent? You're like, we just want to pay it.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

You're like, we just won't pay rent.

[Nasty Butler]

Don't pay it.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah. So.

[Nasty Butler]

So I think the plan is to save up a bunch of money so that I have a good amount saved so that I can do grand adventures. And then when I come out of the adventure, have a bunch of money to use just in case I can't get back to work right away.

[Therapy Gecko]

How much do you think you need before you go?

[Nasty Butler]

That's a good question, I would say. I mean, I don't spend a lot, so, I mean, even 5 to 10,000 would probably be comfortable for, like, give me, like, a month or two of looking for a job and somewhere to live.

[Therapy Gecko]

Mm.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

You guys didn't have kids together, did you?

[Nasty Butler]

No, we had a dog that I missed terribly.

[Christian]

But it's fine.

[Nasty Butler]

You were just in Iraq, right?

[Therapy Gecko]

I was. I was in Iraq.

[Nasty Butler]

How was that?

[Therapy Gecko]

It was interesting. It was really enlightening as to the difference between, like, governments and the people that actually live in the place. But I want to know more about you.

[Nasty Butler]

Okay?

[Therapy Gecko]

I want to know more about you. Unless if you're. Unless if you asked me that. Because you don't want to talk about yourself.

[Nasty Butler]

No, it's fine. I just felt like I was talking too much, and I wanted to. I was curious about your Iraq adventure.

[Therapy Gecko]

That's very polite of you. Thank you. So are you gonna try to date again?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, I'd like to at some point. Being a truck driver, you don't get to, like, meet people or hang around the same person for extended periods of time.

[Therapy Gecko]

Right.

[Nasty Butler]

They were sitting in the truck, so they would have to already be comfortable with me. So. Yeah, I mean, for sure. It's just kind of not really super important on my mind right now. Just kind of want to save money and figure out life before I try to bring somebody else's life into my life.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah. Have you ever had someone with you on the road before?

[Nasty Butler]

No. No. That would be cool, though. Be interesting.

[Therapy Gecko]

What's up with the lot? Lizards.

[Nasty Butler]

You know, I've never seen one, but I hear about them.

[Therapy Gecko]

Oh, this is what I want to know. Hold on. Nasty Butler. Nasty Butler. So that's your road name? Do you chat with other dudes on the radio?

[Christian]

Yeah.

[Nasty Butler]

So generally it's the radio. It's pretty silent until you're in, like, a traffic jam and people are bored or there's an accident. But a lot of times other truck drivers and myself included, will, like, warn other truck drivers, like, oh, left lane is closed, or, you know, stuff like that. And a lot of times you'll just hear people talking about dick.

[Therapy Gecko]

People talking about dicks?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, they just talk about penises all the time.

[Therapy Gecko]

Why do they talk about penises all the time?

[Nasty Butler]

I don't know. I think they're just bored. You know, I'll turn it on right now, and if anybody says something, we'll probably hear it over the phone.

[Therapy Gecko]

Is your truck in motion?

[Nasty Butler]

No. No, I'm parked at a stop right now.

[Therapy Gecko]

So what do you do when you're just, like, alone in the truck?

[Nasty Butler]

I have my laptop, and I, like, try to make apps and web design and music and stuff.

[Therapy Gecko]

You try to make apps?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, I made an app that helps me organize the information I need to pick up orders from customers, and it helped. There's, like, a calculator that I wrote for sliding. So on the trailer. On the truck trailer, the back tires, they actually, like, slide forward and back to help balance the weight. And then there's. There's a bunch of holes that a pin goes into to lock it into place. So I wrote a calculator that kind of calculates where that pin should go so that the weight is legalized.

[Therapy Gecko]

Did you. Okay. So I've been working out of, like, a co. Working space that's very, like. There's a lot of, like, tech people there. So I just learned this phrase that I'm gonna drop. Did you. Did you vibe code it?

[Nasty Butler]

A little bit of it was vibe coded.

[Christian]

Yes.

[Therapy Gecko]

Okay.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. But I'm more of, like, a designer, so all of that I did, but, like, the. The math and the logic for making the buttons and stuff work was vibe coded.

[Therapy Gecko]

Isn't that a hilarious term for those who don't know what that means? I mean, that. I mean, you. You. You actually make apps, so correct me if I'm wrong, but that just means to, like, use AI to make your app, right?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, but it sounds like you're going off, like, feelings. Like, it's the vibe.

[Therapy Gecko]

That's what it means, right, is you're just like. You basically, like, type and type into, like, chatgpt or some shit. You're like, here's the vibe of an app I want to make, and then it makes the app for you. Right?

[Nasty Butler]

That's. That's the goal. That's the intention. But it's. It doesn't really work out if you just, like, you really have to hold its hand to make it do what you want it to do.

[Therapy Gecko]

Are you hoping at any point to try to make some money off of web design and apps?

[Nasty Butler]

I did when I was, like, 18, but I'm. I'm not a salesman. And to really make money by yourself with, like, apps and websites, you have to sell yourself to potential customers. And I'm just not good at it, so I kind of gave up on that. But if I've had some people come up to me and they're like, hey.

[Christian]

Man, can you make my website?

[Nasty Butler]

I'm like, yeah, sure, why not? I'll do it for free. Whatever.

[Therapy Gecko]

Cool. Cool.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

That must be a lot of work doing driving the truck for that long and then stopping to make apps or vibe code them.

[Nasty Butler]

You know, it's. My brain is, like, constantly moving when I'm driving, and there's not much stimulation. So when I get done driving, I'm. It's really hard to just go to sleep, like, doing something.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, of course. Your nighttime revenge procrastination, they call it nighttime revenge procrastination. So it's something like that. Maybe that's not the exact order of the words, but it's something like that.

[Nasty Butler]

It sounds about right. I like it.

[Therapy Gecko]

Hmm. What's your name again?

[Nasty Butler]

I make some tunes. Nasty Butler.

[Therapy Gecko]

Oh. What kind of music do you make in the truck?

[Nasty Butler]

I make goth music.

[Therapy Gecko]

Goth music?

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah. Gothic, electronic music.

[Therapy Gecko]

When I think gothic music, I think of like emo kind of music.

[Nasty Butler]

Definitely not emo music. I'd say emo is like more like rock sort of metal ish, but like with whiny vocals. Right?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Nasty Butler]

And then goth is just like. It's got like a sad vibe, but it's not like whiny, like woe is me. It's just like dark themes and distortion and stuff like that. Like spooky vibes.

[Therapy Gecko]

You make spooky music. That's cool. Wait, give me your name one more time.

[Nasty Butler]

Nasty Butler.

[Therapy Gecko]

Nasty Butler. I forgot you never gave me your real name.

[Nasty Butler]

Could be my real name.

[Therapy Gecko]

No, I don't think. I don't think it legally could be your real name that your. I don't think your parents named you. I don't think you can legally name your baby Nasty.

[Nasty Butler]

Probably not, but you could probably get your name changed to it.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, I still don't think you did that.

[Nasty Butler]

One.

[Therapy Gecko]

Are you satisfied with this phone call? I feel like. I feel like there's maybe more that we could get into, but you speak with a soft demeanor and appear from my end to have shared all your. At least desiring to share in this moment. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, I mean, pretty satisfied, I guess. I didn't really. I didn't really expect you to call. To be honest. I'm surprised you called.

[Therapy Gecko]

When are you going to do. When are you going to do this big walk? I hope you do it. I hope you find a way.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah, that's not going to. Something I wanted to do for like 12 years. So hopefully, you know, I should actually make a date and like plan for it to make sure I actually do it.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, yeah, it's important. That's one of. That's one of my biggest realizations, is that if you have anything that you possibly could think of wanting to do, you have to do it right fucking now. Yeah, there's really never a good time.

[Nasty Butler]

Maybe I'll set it for like May of next year. I don't know, it gives me a couple months. That's fine. May of next year.

[Therapy Gecko]

Is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go.

[Nasty Butler]

Walk more. Take some walks like that.

[Therapy Gecko]

Thanks for calling Nasty Butler. Call. Do me a fav. Okay, listen, do this in May after you finish the walk. Or I mean it's. Fuck, it's gonna take you a long ass time. Okay? So maybe in a year, however long it takes you to do it. Give me a call when you're done.

[Nasty Butler]

I will do.

[Therapy Gecko]

Thank you, Nasty Butler.

[Nasty Butler]

Thanks. Have a good one.

[Therapy Gecko]

I liked that guy. He had a nice demeanor. He had a nice demeanor. He was very interesting. That was me starting a sentence and then having to not knowing how to finish it. I think he'll be okay. What an interesting life that is being a truck driver. If I have to be completely, you know, I'm gonna be completely, utterly honest right now. Talking to that caller just now gave me a lot of perspective on my own life. You know, I'm like, damn, this guy works 70 hours a week driving a truck and he takes it on the chin. You got to give him some credit. Makes you think about, makes you think about being a pussy for, you know, whatever it is. Well, I'm not gonna project it. Makes me feel like being a pussy for having a fake, funny gecko job, but in a good way. And you know, I have a lot of respect for him. Okay, let's take another phone call.

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[Michaela]

Hello? Hi.

[Therapy Gecko]

Hi, yes, this is the Geck. What's your name?

[Michaela]

Oh, hi. I don't even know if I should give out my real name.

[Therapy Gecko]

That's okay. I'll call you Michaela.

[Michaela]

I'm sorry?

[Therapy Gecko]

I said I'll call you Michaela. I just whipped that one up.

[Michaela]

Oh, awesome. Okay. Hi, I'm Michaela.

[Therapy Gecko]

See, I feel like. You know what? I should start to. I've been saying this for so long. I should start us just assigning all the you. By the way, at any given time, you can change that name. That's just the name you've been assigned. It's not per. It's up to you. It's some people, they don't. They're not good at coming up with fake names. So I'll assign them a fake name.

[Michaela]

Yeah, I. That's Great. I like it. Thanks. Mikayla, I'm sorry, I'm, like, super nervous.

[Nasty Butler]

I'm like.

[Therapy Gecko]

No, no, no, don't be. I promise. Listen, that. So that you'll feel shaky for about 120 more seconds, and then you won't and everything will be fine. So what's going. What's going on with you, Mikayla? What's happening?

[Michaela]

Jesus. I don't know. I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, but honestly, like, now you put me on the spot and I have no idea what I wanted to talk about. I texted you earlier. I'm trying therapy for the third time in my life, and so that's. That's. I'm giving that a try. I don't know. You want to go into that right away?

[Therapy Gecko]

You texted me and you said, I feel like a literal sometimes, and I don't mean to, and it's ruining my life. Is that. Is that something you still want to talk about?

[Michaela]

Yeah, I guess it all loops together. I guess so. I don't know. I just. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry.

[Therapy Gecko]

It's okay. Take your time.

[Michaela]

It's just sometimes I just feel like everybody, like, does things to, like. I don't know, I just feel like I villainize a lot of people in my life.

[Therapy Gecko]

You feel like everyone does things to piss you off?

[Michaela]

Yeah, not necessarily to piss me off, but to just make me feel bad. And it's just wrapping into the whole therapy thing that I just. I just feel like everyone's doing things against me and.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Michaela]

And I don't know. And, you know, and I, like, I. I just think of reasons to make it make sense in my head of why they would act a certain way towards me, you know?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Michaela]

And I, like, make myself believe it and it's not the case a lot of times. And so it makes me react like a fucking asshole to people that aren't being assholes to me. And I catch myself a lot of the times, and it makes me feel like shit, you know? And I don't know. And I don't. I definitely don't mean to. And maybe it's the way I react or the way my tone and voice or something. I just feel like I'm mean. I just feel like I'm a mean person, you know?

[Therapy Gecko]

I mean, your tone of voice doesn't sound particularly mean. I mean, granted, we've been on a fairly cordial phone call. Yeah, I've had that before, by the way, in my life. I Don't. Yeah, I don't have. I haven't had anything like that. I had, I had a little bit of that when I was younger. I, I want to say in high school, not that ever. I want to say in high school, I never felt like. I don't think I ever explicitly felt as though the world was against me or a lot of people were against me, but I felt at times in my life. Yeah. I remember in high school feeling a lot of times of like. A little bit. Yeah, actually, a little bit. That the world was against me in some way or that, like, people were against me. Definitely. That people didn't like me. Yeah.

[Michaela]

And it's not even that I care to be liked, to be honest, like. And, you know, it's easy to say I don't care, but deep down you do. But I don't know, man. It's just. I don't know. Like, I, I really like, you know, I, I, I am a nice person. Like. Yeah. You know, I, I will never go out of my way to be mean to somebody, you know, but it's just like, I don't know, just little things, like, I just catch on, like certain little tones, like change of voice, like certain expressions towards me, and I just feel like, you know, like it's just on purpose towards me, make me feel bad. But it's not, you know, and, like, I know it's not, but it's hard to get out of thinking that way when. I don't know. I've. I've thought about this for years and it's, I'm just, It's hard. It's a hard habit to kick, I guess.

[Therapy Gecko]

Dude, I keep, I keep forgetting that so much of life is about perspective. I really, really, really keep forgetting that. And. Yeah, that. Yeah. And that's the problem is you. Because. Right. Because you've, you've developed this mindset that the world is against you, and when you feed that wolf of your. In your brain, like we have, this is like. I think this is what, like, cognitive behavioral therapy is. And not that I've ever. I've also, I've tried therapy a bunch. I've never had, like, a long streak of time where I was like, oh, I'm in therapy and this is awesome, but I haven't found the right one. I found a lot of just shit ones.

[Michaela]

And, you know, I don't think it's the case, or we, I think I sound really great therapists that have given me a lot of ways to cope, you know, and like, like, Say, five years ago, if I was, like, in the middle of a panic attack, I wouldn't be able to, like, think, you know, like, hey, this is happening. Like, you need to breathe. You need to slow down. And, like, now, like, I feel like I'm in a better state of where I'm able to a little bit, not completely pull myself out of it, but, you know, to be able to, like, practice those tools that I've been given throughout the years. And it's not that I've had bad therapists, it's just that I think I've just been a little bit scared to do the inner work. And, you know, I've tried the talking therapy. I've tried emdr, and now I'm back again to just regular, you know, speaking therapy with. With somebody. And, yeah, I just hope I'm able to keep going. And, you know, I know I'm. You know, at first I started. And then two months in, and I started feeling great, and I was like, oh, you know, this is awesome. And then, like, now it's like, four months in, and I'm like, God, this sucks. Just having to relive a lot of things, and a lot of things are, you know, coming up for me again, and it's just a little hard for me to keep my, like, interpersonal relationships. I struggle a lot with my coworkers and maintaining friendships, and it's really lonely.

[Therapy Gecko]

Why do you. Why do you think you struggle with maintaining friendships?

[Michaela]

Because I think people are out to get me, you know, not necessarily, but I just. I just feel like it's not genuine. Like, the friendship isn't genuine. That I just feel like, you know, people are just. I. I feel like people aren't genuinely interested in getting to know me and that they're just kind of getting intel and, you know, not for, like, genuine reasons.

[Therapy Gecko]

Are you. Are you basing. What are you basing, like, where. Where is this perspective coming from?

[Michaela]

What do you mean? I'd like to know that, too. I don't know.

[Therapy Gecko]

Like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so. So. So, okay, so, for example, right, like, you're in a conversation with somebody. What is it about? Like, okay, so let's say you're in a conversation with somebody and they're, like, asking you a question. Like, they're like, mikayla, what'd you do today? In your brain, do you go, are you asking me that to gain information about my day that you can use against me later for your plot?

[Michaela]

Well, not even about my day, but, you know, like, people start, like, when I first started getting, like, I switched. I have a history of switching jobs because I just can't with co workers. Like, I don't know if I'm like. I don't know if I'm, like, being picked on or if I just. Like I said, I would just loop, you know, I just rabbit hole myself into it. But like, people say, I've had people ask. I'm very reserved about what I share, so it's just hard for me to even say this. But, like, I. Likely people would ask me about my son, you know, like, oh, why? Why do you want to know about my son? Like, what's it to you? You know, but it's just co workers. Like, you know, we see each other every day, we have to talk and. And, you know, and like, I see, like, I. It's so stupid. Like, I think of it and I'm like, it's so stupid to think about it this way. But when it's happening, it's just, like, it just goes through my head, you know? Sorry, I'm rambling. I don't know.

[Therapy Gecko]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I. I'm just listening. How old. How old is your son?

[Michaela]

My son is four.

[Therapy Gecko]

How's he doing?

[Michaela]

He's great. Yeah. I have a lot of help. I struggle a lot. I'm a single mom, but I have a lot of help. I'm thankful for my village. You know, I've struggled a lot, you know, with postpartum and trying to kick things that happened when I just. A lot of traumatic things when I was pregnant. And, you know, my son is almost 5, and I'm still kind of dealing with this stuff emotionally. And so, like, it's tough at times being a mom and being a person and knowing yourself out of being a mom. And so it's just hard. I feel like I don't have a social life because I don't have friends, and I drink. Like, closed off work and home, working home. But he's great. I'm sorry, I drifted off.

[Therapy Gecko]

Who do you have helping you?

[Michaela]

My parents.

[Therapy Gecko]

It's all right if you don't want to talk about it, but I'm like, I'm just curious, like, what happened to dad?

[Nasty Butler]

He.

[Michaela]

He hasn't seen the baby since, like, two months old. But it was just hard, you know. Like, he was very abusive, emotionally abusive, and he, like, took me to court for, like, full custody when my son was like two months old. So, like, I couldn't even process, you know, like, being a new mom because I had to deal with a lot of, like, legal stuff, and it was just. I don't know, he just put a lot on me when he could have just walked away and left it. And so. Yeah, so he's not in the picture at all. I hope it stays that way. I have all legal and physical rights, so I. Yeah, that's. That's my baby.

[Therapy Gecko]

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking?

[Michaela]

I will be 26 next month.

[Nasty Butler]

Cool.

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Like, what. Can I ask, like, what state you live in?

[Michaela]

I live in New Mexico.

[Therapy Gecko]

Okay. Sorry. I'm not gathering intel to use against you. I'm just, like, trying to. I'm just painting a picture in my head of, like, what your surroundings are and your existences.

[Michaela]

There's literally nothing here. Nothing.

[Therapy Gecko]

Well, okay. The reason I. Well, there's a few. The reasons I asked you, the questions I asked you is because you sound like you're missing, like, a community. You know, we talk about this a lot on the show. You sound like you're missing a community of some kind or like a space that you can be in where there's other people that's not just your home and your work.

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

And. But it's really, you know, fucking hard for you because you have a kid too, right?

[Michaela]

Yeah. And like I said, like, I have a lot of help, and, you know, I'm not. I'm very respectful. My parents. Time and stuff, so. But, you know, there's a couple of times here and there where they'll let me. Well, not let me, but, you know, they'll. They'll watch. They'll watch him for me a couple. Couple hours, and I'll. I like to. I mean, I go out alone because, like I said, I don't have friends, but, like, I like to go to raves, you know, so I'll go solo. I'll go solo. I'm. I'm. I'll go sober, you know, I'll have to drive home at the end. I have to drive, like, an hour, 30 minutes to get there to where they usually are, to the big city. So I have to drive back. But, I mean, I love it. It's like a little escape for me, you know? Like. I don't know. I like it. Like I said, I don't go to be crazy during drugs. I just enjoy the music. I like the community. Like you said, so. But like I said, I can't have that, you know, can't have that every day, so.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to have that every day. I'm. I'm trying. You know, I get. I see people sometimes who have a version of that every day. And I. And I'm like, I'm. I'm like, I want to have something like that every day. You know, there's a weird thing where you want every day to be exciting, but it's. It's just. And I. Maybe it can be. Maybe it can be. I don't know.

[Michaela]

Yeah. And you know, not every day has to be, but, you know, like when like five, six years go by and you realize you haven't done like bunch with your life, it's kind of like, damn, like time's passing me by. Like I'm already like 26, you know, and like, I just feel like I'm stuck. Like, you know, like. I don't know.

[Therapy Gecko]

I was thinking about this today because I was. I was thinking about. Yeah. Like, you know, I have this weird thing of like, I always want life to be exciting when I don't know how realistic it's is for everyone. I was at the dentist's office and the reception there was like. I was sitting and there's like a really tight, close dentist office. And the receptionist was like talking to the other people in the, like, waiting around. And she was like. And one of the guys was like, yo, how old do you think I am? And she was like, I think you're 30. And he's like, I'm younger than that. And she's like, what's your birthday? And he's like, I forget what month he said. But she was like, oh, you're a Capricorn. That means you're the quiet type. And I was just sitting there and I was. I don't know, I was just watching these two people talk and I was like, I'm gonna try as chazzing myself. I was like, I'm waiting in line at the dentist office. I'm doing something objectively boring. And yet here's this like just little moment of connection that I'm witnessing because I'm like present for whatever I'm doing. And I'm like, oh, I feel in this moment just like. Because I'm present and I'm like looking for it. I'm like. I'm like, oh, in any given moment of anything you can find, you can observe something to be like, that's fucking psychedelic. That's interesting. You know, we live in a.

[Michaela]

Like, not necessarily happening to you yourself, just kind of witnessing it.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Michaela]

Yeah, okay.

[Therapy Gecko]

You know, I mean, even with your. When you're even when you're taking care of your kid, right. You have the opportunity to just look at, look, just stare at him.

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Oh my. Just be like, oh my God, I created this. Or like, I have a lot of those.

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

You know, I mean, he's four. You know, you can just, you just sit there and observe his movements.

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Look at his eyes. And why is he walking that way? Why is he saying that? It's like, it's like if, it's like, if, like you have like an active dog, you could just stare at a dog for an hour or basic. This is what I'm describing. It's the life equivalent of forgetting your phone in the bathroom. So you start reading a shampoo bottle.

[Michaela]

Okay.

[Therapy Gecko]

You know, I'm saying, yeah, so you know, yeah, I've done that. So, you know, sometimes I'm reading the back of the shampoo bottle and I'm like, you know, Zynthanol. That's interesting. Is that how much of that is lethal in one dose? You know, the universe can be interesting even. And it's not interesting moments. But you say life is passing you by. What is it that you want to do that's passing you by?

[Michaela]

I feel like I want to put myself out there more like, I don't know, I struggle a lot with, with anxiety. I have a panic disorder. So it's just hard for me to kind of be in public, be able to get out of the car and actually go into the store and not whack out, you know, empty handed because. Felt too much, you know, so I'm working on that. I'm working on actually being, being able to do things without having a dust feeling. But it's wrong.

[Therapy Gecko]

What do you, what have you, what have you been doing that you have a gut feeling is wrong?

[Michaela]

I don't know. Just like being in public, I just, I just, I just hate, like, even driving, like, I just feel like everybody's staring at me like, you know, like, I don't know. Like, I just hate. I just feel like every, like I'm being perceived and I just hate that.

[Therapy Gecko]

Huh.

[Michaela]

Like, I just, I just don't want to, like, I don't know, like, you know, I'm not a noticeable person at all. I'm small. Like, you know, I'm small. I. I don't know, probably look like 90 of the population here in New Mexico. So like, I don't know, I don't bring much attention to myself, but I feel like, you know, as if I were wearing a bright neon costume, you know, and Everybody's staring at me and looking at me weird, and I feel like, you know, I. Whispering things about me when they're obviously people who don't care, you know.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like. It sounds like an extreme amount of, like, self consciousness.

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

So you're trying therapy for the third time. What did your real therapist say about this?

[Michaela]

Well, she just says that I've been in such a state of mind that I. I'm just. I'm just looking for things to validate, like, my feelings. Like my. My. You know, the feelings of. Of people being against me, of people watching me and stuff. So I just, like. I'm just in the habit of looking, you know, I'm looking for things to. To be the way that I'm wanting them to be instead of just taking things as they are. So I'm just practicing on getting out of the habit. And I have homework of, like, you know, telling myself that, you know, like, this isn't. Like, this isn't me. Like, it's. You know, my therapist tells me to, like, tell myself, like, this isn't who I am. Like, this is, you know, like a. Sorry. I do therapy in Spanish, so it's hard for me to translate it to. In English, but essentially saying that, you know, I have, like, kind of like a. An injury to. To my. To my. To myself. That I've been kind of, in a way, injured, and that it's just a product of that hurt. It's not like me. It's just like a symptom of it. And so, because, I don't know, I just felt that way for so long, and I still kind of, like. It's kind of like how I identify myself, I guess, like how I see myself as a person at this point.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fucking. That's a danger. That's a weird thing, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you can. You can, like, you can really. Ugh. You know, what is. You know what is one of the most fucking annoying, like, contradictions of navigating mental health, like, just personally is. There's the weird. This is fucking contradiction of, like, okay, in order to address an issue, you have to admit that you have it, right?

[Michaela]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

But by admitting you have it, do you then feed into this narrative of yourself?

[Michaela]

Of this is who I am? Yes. And so, like, I went. I went so many years with just, like, trying to, like, deal with it on my own that I just. I guess that was my way to cope with it. And now, you know, I Take little tones in people's voices, and I'm like, yeah, like, that person mad at me. That person doing this, you know? And I'm just trying to validate what I'm thinking when it's not there. And so it's kind of like this fake reality, you know, that I'm living, because it's not what's happening. And I know. So it's just.

[Nasty Butler]

It's.

[Michaela]

It's also, you know, like you said, you have to recognize it.

[Christian]

And.

[Michaela]

Yeah, I recognize it, but I'm like, this.

[Christian]

It's up.

[Michaela]

Like, now I know that it's up, you know?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, I think there's. There's, like. There's definitely something optimal to, like, recognize it, right? Because there's a thing I'm not saying, you know, I'm not here to. I'm not gonna diagnose anyone. I'm just saying about myself, right? Like. Like, myself, for example, just for me to be like, I'm mentally ill, you know, is. Is a weird thing because if I say to myself, I'm mentally ill, or I have. Or, like, I have clinical depression, I'm a depressed guy, then I, like, fear to feed into this, like, narrative of, like, I'm a label of something, you know, which I don't. Which I don't like. But on the other hand, I found it to be helpful to be like, oh, shit, I'm mentally ill. That's why I do these things. They don't necessarily. They don't. I'm mentally ill. That's why I do these things. You find a way to do things, and then. You know what is cool is because we understand that our perceptions of the planet are, like, how we fucking experience it. It's not sterility reality, you know, so I'm like, oh, the actual reality that I'm living in is so different from the universe I have in my head because I'm mentally ill. And that's. And that. And that's really. That's helpful information to have, I think. But you don't. That's helpful information to have, but you gotta. I think it's also important to. You can kind of. Both things can be true at the same time. It's helpful information to have. But then there's got to be some point where you're like, all right, I'm not gonna. You know, I'm mentally ill. That's why I'm feeling this way. So let's, you know, try to mitigate it, manage it, actively work towards it. That's kind of like, we're talking about, like, cognitive behavioral therapy, which is just like this, which I'm gonna start talking about. I've never read a book about it or even. I've never even read an article about it. Was. I just started thinking about it from the, you know, I read like a paragraph or something. I was like, basically, it's just, like. Is just reframing your brain how you think about things? Yeah, I thought it was stupid, actually. I really did. I've been in so many situations where I. You. Where if you told me that the issue was my own perspective, I would tell you to go fuck yourself. I really. Yeah, but, you know, I look back and I look forward, and I'm like, a lot of it, you know, is. I mean, you know, again, for you, it's like you, you live in this world where everyone's out to get you and everyone, you know, feels a certain way about you, but it's just not, it's just not true of the actual world you live in, you know?

[Michaela]

Yeah. And, you know, I'm able to, like, discuss these things with, like, my sister and, like, my parents. Like, I talk to them about it and it's. And I feel like, you know, before I started dealing with, like, my mental stuff, like, my family was so closed off to it. Like, and now I'm like, I'm able to openly tell my mom, like, hey, like, feeling a little anxious right now. And like, you know, I'm able to, like, communicate and recognize the feeling of it. So, like, it's definitely. I've come a long way, I would say, but it's definitely not enough because, like, I know I'm still dealing with a lot of things, and especially now with my son, you know, he's almost, he's almost five. And I, I, I do not have patience, Geck. I have the worst patience ever. And it's, you know, and so, like, that's something I'm learning for him as well, because, I don't know, I just feel like, you know, because of my issues, it's not fair that I take it out on my son and stuff. And so, like, I, you know, it's, I'm. I'm very aware that, you know, I could, you know, I'm in charge of my son's childhood and his feelings for the rest of his life. And so, like, it's very scary to, like, not being able to, like, regulate your own emotions, to, like, trying to teach that to, like, your child, you know?

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah.

[Michaela]

And so it's like, we're Learning. It's like, you know, I'm literally learning with him. And it's like, he's 5 and I'm 25, and it's. It's crazy that I've, like, you know, like. And I'm starting therapy now that he's 4, so I'm like, you know, I've been a mom for, like, four and a half years and it's just really scary to think that, like, I've gone so long without help and. And I've. I'm starting to realize, you know, like, not that I'm exactly, like, affecting my son's childhood, but, like, you know, like, I can. And that I. I could, you know, and that's scary. That's really scary, you know, and, like, having, you know, like, making your child feel things that you felt when you were a child, like, that's something that I wouldn't want for him. And so, like, that's. That's really what's in the back of my head. 24 7, at the end of the day, like, there, you know, my son.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, but I. But I. I commend you, Mikayla, because you're, you know, you're getting help. You're trying to do this.

[Michaela]

Yeah, I'm trying.

[Nasty Butler]

So.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. You mean. I know how that can. Yeah, a fear. But I. I think, you know, we talked to train guy about this a little bit, I think, and, you know, we've. I mean, we have had a lot of people who have kids talking, talk on the show about, you know, being afraid that they're gonna fuck him up. Even. Even people who aren't, you know, who haven't experienced some kind of, like, you know, mental health crisis or whatnot, get worried that they're gonna like things up. But I think. I think at the end of the day, as long as you try, right? I mean, look. Look at your. You know, look at his dad. He's not even trying. He's not even there. Right.

[Michaela]

Yeah. So, like, I don't have a choice, you know? And it's not that I love my kid, but, you know, like, sometimes you're human, you know, and it's. I don't know, it's tough. So I'm just. I'm always thankful for the help I have and. Yeah, because. Yeah, I mean, I've gone through a lot of mental shit when my son was younger, and I'm just glad he was as little as he was so that he wouldn't, you know, have to remember, see things. But, like, He's. He's starting to make memories, and it's starting to, like, you know, form connections. So, like, it's. It's important for me to, like, not have him see me in the state that I was before. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

But don't.

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[Therapy Gecko]

You know, I just. Well, I mean, listen, before we go, just.

[Nasty Butler]

Yeah.

[Therapy Gecko]

Give yourself a li. Give yourself a little bit of compassion here. Right. You know, recognize that you're trying. This is another perspective thing, you know, Cuz. Okay, right. Cuz you're living in a world because you're kind of living in a world where your narrative is, I have all these issues, and they're gonna manifest, and I'm gonna fuck up my kid with my own issues and stuff. And, you know, yeah, that's. That's. That's one of infinite narratives that you could feed, but there's more helpful, more, you know, logically, more. Even. Even more objectively true narratives that exist that you couldn't even refute, where you're like, okay, well, I. I tried to have a life with this guy, or I don't know what the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy were, but where you're like, I tried to have a life with this guy, and then he ran out, and I'm staying, and I'm recognizing that I'm fucked up, and I'm trying to get help, and I'm trying to be a good mom as best as I realistically can with the limited time and energy that I have as, you know, a human being. And I'm trying my best, and I go to bed each night satisfied that I at least gave it shot. That's good. So, you know, you look, you could feed that wolf in your brain. So. So. So if. If there's. If you walk away from this conversation with anything, I hope it's that you choose to feed a different narrative about yourself, this situation, rather than the one that scares you, because you don't have to feed the scary narrative. God, I swear on my life, doing this podcast is just. Or are you talking right now? I'm just. I'm really just talking to myself. I'm really just talking to myself.

[Michaela]

So, yeah, no, I mean, thank you so much. I had it in my chest for a long time. I wanted to talk to you and get a different point of view. So thank you. I really, really appreciate your time.

[Therapy Gecko]

Absolutely. Is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?

[Michaela]

Nope. I'm glad I got to talk to you. Thank you.

[Therapy Gecko]

Thank you. Mikayla, you have a good rest of the night.

[Michaela]

You too. Thank you. Bye Bye.

[Therapy Gecko]

That was Michaela. That was. That we. That was some real. That was the most real therapy I've done in so long. I was in the mood. I just. It was like. I don't know, it was just what I was already thinking about today. And I have energy. I'm back in my actual Gecko studio. I drank a coffee before this, so I'm. I'm feeling. I'm feeling gecked up. Thank you for sharing.

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[Christian]

Hello.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yo, what's up?

[Nasty Butler]

What's up?

[Therapy Gecko]

What's your name?

[Christian]

My name is Christian.

[Therapy Gecko]

What's going on? Christian? How can I geck you today?

[Christian]

Yes, hello Lyle. I would like to talk to you today about my trip to New York and I was looking for you in the park and ended up getting to a random side quest.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, what was the side quest?

[Christian]

So I went to New York like last month and I was walking around Washington Square park by myself and I was looking for you and I was asking a bunch of people like, oh, have you seen the therapy gecko? Have you seen the therapy gecko? And everyone was like, no, no, I haven't seen the therapy gecko. And then I asked this guy that was selling weed if he's seen the therapy gecko. And he was like, nah.

[Nasty Butler]

Oh.

[Christian]

He was like, yeah, yeah, I do. I, I do see him during the weirdo hours, which I guess is 6 to 10 o' clock according to the weed man there at the park.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christian]

And then some random guy was like, oh, I think you're the therapy gecko. Sounds like, what do you mean you think I'm the therapy gecko? So then I sat down with him and I rolled up a Dutch with Some zaza in it. And at first he didn't want to hit it because I guess New York has a flavored tobacco ban. So everyone just rolls a bunch of.

[Nasty Butler]

Joints, which is kind of whack, but whatever.

[Christian]

And then, yeah, we ended up smoking. And then it was me, him, and like a group of five strangers and we just got into a great conversation. They're asking me about what I did in New York. So then I went shopping. I saw this guy James that makes custom leather belts on the side of the road. And one of the people there also happened to have one of those belts. And then we all smoked together and just enjoyed a good sesh. Talking about the therapy gecko. And it was like the therapy gecko but with random people in the park. Like, we were just all talking about random shit.

[Therapy Gecko]

Yeah, dude, that's awesome. I'm so. I'm so. That's cool. I'm glad that you can go to the park and talk to a random guy. And he's like, yo, that I've seen that fucking Cryptid. Yeah, dude, that park is cool. It's always filled with like, yeah, 6 to 10 is definitely weirdo hours. It's always filled with like random ass shit. I was there last night. I go there. I go there almost every day. I go there all the time when I'm not in the costume. I just love existing there. It's just so.

[Christian]

I was looking for you, man. I was looking for you. I've been a long time fan.

[Therapy Gecko]

I'm glad I could send you on a site. Yeah, that's a perfect. If you want to, like, get into a weird thing where you're smoking weed with a stranger that you are. Like, I, in no other situation in my life would be hanging out with this person. That's weird. That's one of the places you can go in the world to do that.

[Christian]

I honestly think Wash is like, it's like a bar for people that smoke.

[Therapy Gecko]

I love that. Oh, man. It is kind of like a. Kind of like a bar for people that smoke weed. Yeah, you know, I took. Yeah, I took a friend that. I took a friend to Washington Square last night and he saw that there's all these tables of people smoking weed and he was like, is this legal? And I was like, who cares? It's Washington Square park, you know, do whatever you want. Live your life. Who gives a shit?

[Christian]

Yeah, I still don't.

[Therapy Gecko]

I still don't know if it's legal.

[Christian]

I think it's. I mean, it's gotta be pretty. So I live in Broward County, Florida, which is like Fort Lauderdale type area, and it's not legal here, so I have, like, a medical marijuana card so that, you know, I could do what I do without getting with. And I remember I have a buddy that goes to NYU over there.

[Nasty Butler]

So I kind of go there, like.

[Christian]

A few times a year to visit and see my boy. And I remember walking around after rolling up and he was like, oh, spark it. But there was, like, a cop right next to us, and I was like, you know, I was being all scared and I just remember sparking it right next to the cop and it was like. It's such a surreal experience, like being able to just walk past a police officer smelling like an absolute pound, and they just don't give a fuck.

[Therapy Gecko]

It's funny as it's. Dude, it's really crazy being in places where it's like, if you smoke weed, you go to jail for 20 years, right? Like, it's that fucking illegal versus in the States where, yeah, you can just blow smoke in a cop's face. And, well, if you did that, they'd probably care, but.

[Christian]

Well, not here in Florida because, I mean, I've been pulled over. Like, I'm a car guy, so my car is, like, kind of low, and it just. It looks a little bit different than, like, your average car. So I guess sometimes I'm, like, targeted, I guess you could say. And I'm always super, super, super nervous about the smell of my car, even though I have all the legal, you know, like, shit that you are supposed to have.

[Therapy Gecko]

Well. Well, you're not allowed to smoke weed and drive. Oh, you're not in no state. Are you or will you ever in history be allowed to smoke weed and drive? You know what's so fun? I haven't driven a car in. Well, man, I used to get high and drive my car all the time. You really shouldn't do that. But.

[Christian]

No, no, no, no, let me. I have, I have. I will honestly tell people the exact opposite.

[Nasty Butler]

I know people are behind you.

[Therapy Gecko]

Shut up. Shut up. Here's what that's. It's that you're wrong. I won't hear your argument. I do it. I do it. And I. I will. I will. It's like. It's like the way I feel about smoking weed and driving is the way I feel about, like, eating meat. It's like, I think it's objectively wrong, and I do it anyway because it's real. It's awesome. But I'm not going to pretend it's not an objectively bad thing. It's an objectively bad thing to get high and drive.

[Christian]

Well, do you ever feel like you smoke and then. Or not. Do you ever feel like when you're doing something that you do every day with while being sober, do you ever feel like you brush through it and you're just moving too quickly?

[Therapy Gecko]

I don't. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not following. I mean, I. I know the logic you're trying to present, but I. I think it's. I think it's wrong.

[Christian]

No, I think.

[Therapy Gecko]

I think the logic applies to me.

[Christian]

It's fun, though, man that likes to drive fast. And I tell you what, if I drove.

[Therapy Gecko]

Do you drive? You drive? You drive. Do you get high and drive fast?

[Christian]

No, it's the opposite. I normally drive fast when I'm sober because I'm just like. I. I'm just like. Oh, like, it's number one. It's kind of fun. I have a heavy foot, and I just don't have any patience. You know, everyone's driving slow, and they're creating these walls on the highway, and, you know, I just got places to be. But when I'm off the Z, like, I really don't care. Like, if, you know, if I'm doing 5:20 under the speed limit, it really doesn't matter. Like, the music is hitting, the wind is, you know, is winding, and I don't feel like I have to press the gas as much because I'm off the gas.

[Therapy Gecko]

That was. That was a good quit. That was a good quit. What's your name again?

[Christian]

My name is Christian.

[Therapy Gecko]

Christian, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

[Christian]

Don't drink and drive.

[Therapy Gecko]

Okay. Yeah. Don't drink and drive.

[Christian]

But maybe. Maybe, you know, maybe it's okay to do some other things while driving if. If your body allows you to. Everybody's different. I could never drink and drive.

[Nasty Butler]

I.

[Therapy Gecko]

You ever. You ever get. You ever get drink at all? You ever get drunk and then, like, sleep in your car?

[Christian]

I never get drunk ever. Like, I mean, I might get like. Like, I've never been, like, really, really drunk. I'm not good with alcohol. I'm kind of skinny. Every time I. If I take a shot, it's within those five minutes of. After taking those shot, I'm gonna throw up.

[Nasty Butler]

It's a guarantee.

[Therapy Gecko]

Thank you for calling, Chris. I.

[Nasty Butler]

Take it easy.

[Christian]

Love the show.

[Therapy Gecko]

Thank you, brother. Appreciate it. You have a good rest of the night.

[Nasty Butler]

You too.

[Therapy Gecko]

That was Chris. That was the Therapy Gecko podcast. What an episode today. We had three good calls. We talked to the truck gentlemen. We talked to the lady about feeling like the world is against her. We talked about the park and weed. I feel good about this episode. This had everything in it. This had, this had emotion, had stories. This was a good episode of the podcast. This felt like a, like a quintessential standard day at the Therapy Gecko headquarters. Thanks for joining me on this. Oh yes, if you live in Edmonton, Canada, if you live in Edmonton, Canada, I am doing a show at mace Swan University November 6th. Also. Also, if you're still listen. If you're listening right now, if you would see me live to do a show in 2026, comment below on YouTube or Spotify and let me know if you would come see a show and where you live. It's helpful information for me. Anyway, thank you all for joining. Geck. Bless. See you guys around the universe.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway now through November 4th. Shop the annual beauty event and save $5 when you spend $25 on select Beau products. Shop in store or online for items like Dove Body Wash, Native Body Wash, Cetaphil gentle skin cleanser, Dr. Squatch body wash, Neutrogena Hydro Boost Water Gel, Dial Liquid Hand Soap and Olay Body wash. And save $5 when you spend $25 or more. Offer ends November 4th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

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[Nasty Butler]

Come on.

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[Christian]

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[Nasty Butler]

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[Therapy Gecko]

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