C (3:07)

How not to throw the teenager out with the hot tub. Is that the. Is that.

A (3:11)

Yeah. With the Jacuzzi.

C (3:12)

With the Jacuzzi, yeah. So the resolution number one, numero uno. And you'll notice through the course of this episode, I'll probably move from numbering to lettering so it would be inconsistent. But number one is when you blow your resolution, which you will blow your resolution or we will at least.

A (3:37)

Yeah.

C (3:38)

Oh, sorry. When you. I mean me and Cara and all the rest of you out there. See, see, I always like to go with the first person. We. And Car is always like, you gotta go for the second person. And the one time I go for the second person, she's like, no, no, no, you gotta go for the first person.

A (3:54)

That's my resolution is to not correct

C (3:57)

your personhood when we blow it, which we will not to give up on the resolution because as we'll talk about, they are founded in not just good intentions, but they are also founded in evidence based research, data and guidance, which is why we give it in the first place. And there's real value to what we are resolving to try to do. And therefore don't give up. It's never too late. Tomorrow is always a new day. And if you press pause on this episode and listen no further, you have gotten the heart and soul of this episode, which is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again to your same resolution and go back to your resolution. So I am going to start I feel a story. Okay. My 12 year old has worn glasses since he was in first grade and he does not like wearing his sports classes. And he would really. He decided he really wanted to wear contact lenses and so we got him contact lenses. I don't wear contact lenses. I don't know how to put contact lenses in. So his older brother very kindly taught him the night before he was heading to a big party how to put the contact lenses in.

A (5:15)

What could go wrong, right?

C (5:17)

We had a window of time. He was trying very hard to put the contact lenses in and unsuccessfully.

A (5:25)

I will say, being a contact lens wearer, I can just say I feel his pain. It's.

C (5:32)

I didn't wear contact lenses.

A (5:34)

I used to. I used to. My eyes have aged beyond it. If I wear contact lenses, I can't read anything up close. So. But when you're learning how to do it and you're trying to stick something in your eyeball and it feels like a matter of life and death, like I can't wear my glasses. I have to wear these contacts. Actually, the emotions are very big. Yes, I can imagine that's how it was in your house.

C (5:55)

The emotions were very big. So what did I do? I strolled in and packed it all up. I don't know if we should use that language. I hope no one's offended by that. I was going to use the F word, so I thought that was a better. A better one.

A (6:07)

Hawked. Like hawking a loogie.

C (6:09)

I could have hocked it up. Hawked with the C. Yes. So my kid is in the bathroom. He's, like, dressed for the party. He's desperately trying to, like, hold his eyelid open and do the other thing. And here I am, his mother over his shoulder, and here's where I will use the F word. I literally said to my poor kid, would you put the effing contact lens in your effing eye and car?

A (6:40)

Can we just pause here? What part of this story is your resolution? Because there are a lot of resolutions that I could.

C (6:47)

We could send a whole episode on this resolution. So I actually am in the midst of writing about this. Whenever I feel incredibly guilty about something, I'm done as a parent. I then write about it because it

A (6:58)

makes me feel better whenever I horrify my children in real life and then write about it so that it can be. So it could last in perpetuity.

C (7:06)

Everyone can know what a shitty parent I am. So I was so impatient. I was feeling stressed because he was getting a ride from another family, and I was worried that we were going to be late. And I was frustrated with my kid who was learning how to do something new. This is a theme in my life. And didn't have the ability to take a deep breath and just, like, let him do his thing. I will quickly run to the end of the story, and then I will get to my resolution. I swear I looked at him.

A (7:39)

This story is as long as it took him to put in his contacts.

C (7:42)

He did get his contact in after I left the bathroom. And then I looked at him when he came downstairs, and I said, hey, it was pretty helpful that I shouted at you while you were trying to put your contact lens in. And he was like, oh, yeah, Mom. That was a real win. Thanks so much for your love and support. And I was like, okay. And then we got in the car and I apologized, and we went on our way. And he's now four mornings into putting his contact lenses in by himself with me nowhere in sight. Yes, there's a Connection there. So my resolution for the coming year,

A (8:21)

dying to hear what this is, is

C (8:24)

to take on board two wonderful pieces of advice from two of our guests this year. One is Eliza Pressman's advice when we are feeling elevated to remind ourselves we are not being chased by a bear. Or as my version is, I'm not being chased by a caterpillar. But to remember that our intense feelings of impatience, anger, worry, upset, whatever it is, are actually not life threatening and we can like take it down a notch. And the second is from Dr. Becky's advice that if the house is on fire, if the emotional house is on fire, all you have to do is contain the fire and it is not the moment to fireproof the house.

A (9:13)

So very good resolution.

C (9:15)

See you leave. Little faith, but I got that.

A (9:18)

I would also resolve to get out of your kid's bathroom. I think go granular on this one.

C (9:23)

Yeah. So get out of his bathroom when he's putting in his contact lenses. Have faith in my kid that he can do hard things that he has never. Oh, I forgot to say at the end of the night, we then had to figure out how to take the contact lenses off his eyeballs.

A (9:40)

Can I be a pediatrician for a second and just say, Vanessa, you are not a contact wearer. Washing of the hands.

C (9:46)

Yes, very important that I said over and over. And he washed his hands every single time before he put his fingers back.

A (9:54)

He's got chafed hands.

C (9:55)

Oh, he washed his hands more times in that one piece of contact lensing time than he has in his entire life than all of COVID basically. So my resolution is to find a mode where even when I am impatient and frustrated, to remember that I'm not being chased by a caterpillar, that my only job is to contain the fire and to not get on my kids backs and give them a hard time when all that's going to do is make the situation worse.

A (10:29)

I think that's a beautiful resolution.

C (10:32)

Thank you.

A (10:33)

And I wish you Godspeed. I do. Good luck on that.

C (10:39)

If you want any evidence that this is a two decade resolution, you could watch me while my kids were brushing their teeth, tying their shoes, zipping their coats, doing their homework. I mean, it is, it is a minute theme.

A (10:55)

It's a theme that you're looking to read.

C (10:57)

It is the. It is the light motif of my parenting of nearly 20 years.

A (11:04)

We'll be right back, but first a word from our sponsors. I have had photo books on the top of my to do list for years, literally. And it bums me out that I cannot seem to find the time to do this because there is literally nothing I enjoy more than looking back at old photos of my kids. So it's why I'm thrilled to have discovered journeyprint. Journeyprint is easy to use. It takes seconds to auto arrange photos into a beautiful book and it'll even add location maps and dates. Plus, journeyprint uses sustainably sourced paper and for every order placed, they plant a tree. The photo book has moved from a slightly dreaded task that will take so much time to quick and easy. Now the thing that's going to eat up my time is flipping through all those incredible memories. If you're looking to have a memento of your family's amazing moments, or maybe some of their awkward ones, give Journey Print a try. Go to JourneyApp.com podcast Awkward and use the code Awkward to get 30% off your next purchase. That's Journey spelled J-O U R N I APP.com podcast Awkward and use the code Awkward I've always been about quality over quantity, especially in my closet. If it's not well made and versatile, it's just not worth it to me. That's why I love Quince. Quince uses premium fabrics like 100% European and linen, 100% silk and organic cotton poplin. They're all perfect for the changing seasons, but they're also built to hold up. And Quince works directly with safe ethical factories, cutting out the middlemen so you're not paying for brand markup or fancy retail stores just for quality clothing. I just got the Italian leather dual compartment toiletry bag in cognac and I cannot wait to use it as I hit the road for my spring speaking travels right now. Go to quince.com awkward for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to q U-I-N-C-E.com awkward for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com awkward so my resolution, which I actually started at the beginning of this school year, I took the it doesn't have to be January 1st to take a do over approach and I think I've been doing okay. I could do better, so I'm resolving to do better at this. But my resolution has been and continues to be to not take anything quite so personally or to not take everything quite so personally. And that resolution really boils down to in the parenting sense of the word. Because, you know, you can take everything in life personally and you know, socially and emotionally, you know, your whole life, your friend world, your. All that. And that's a much bigger conversation and really demand someone with some professional skills

C (14:11)

on the other end of this who aren't us.

A (14:12)

Micrograms who aren't us. But in terms of the parenting equation, whether it's the way another parent does things or another adult does things, and then sort of me instantly reflecting, going, ooh, I did it wrong, or I did it badly by comparison or frankly more often because my kids are old enough to do this. When I'm getting called out by my kids, being told I'm not doing my job super well, which they do do. And I appreciate they do it in a kind of gentle way sometimes. They do it in a mocking way a lot of the time. But I used to take it really personally and get all up in a bunch and get really defensive. And I understand why, because it feels bad. But if I don't do that, which I've started to get some practice at, well, two really great things happen. The first thing that happens is my cortisol levels aren't surging, my adrenaline isn't surging, I don't feel, my heart rate isn't going up, my blood pressure isn't going up. I don't have that icky internal feeling. But the other thing that happens when I don't take it personally is I can actually learn from it. And sometimes my family has a point and sometimes they don't. So here's when they don't have a point. Okay, I've talked about, I'm going to talk about by invalidating their feelings. I've talked about dishwashing in my house before, but going to use it as a perfect example. I have one child off at college who is no longer part of post dinner dishwashing. But I have one child left at home who is an outstanding dishwasher. It is his job he does. I mean his few jobs around the house. This is the job he does consistently well. He's great. He grabs the plates off the table, he starts at the sink, he's washing the dishes. My husband is next to him. My husband is either loading the dishwasher, drying what doesn't go in the dishwasher and blah, blah. There is no room for me, I'm telling you, like, I am not a particularly large person and there is no physical room for me in that setup. Given how our kitchen is organized and they Mock me endlessly every night, like, oh, are you going to do a phone call now? Oh, do you have to check an email? There is nowhere for me to fit in to the dishwasher. And oh, side note, I probably have prepared the dinner and I was going to say done everything that runs up to, but I used to get really upset at the mockery and I've stopped taking it personally and I just dish it right back and it's more fun. And by the way, the lack of defensiveness has helped shine a light on the fact that they can just do the dishes themselves because only the two of them fit in this one little area. So that's a place they've gotten it wrong, a place they've gotten it right, and a place that I've worked on a lot. My close friends are people whom I bounce things off of routinely and that includes parenting things that I'm not sure about and I'm trying to get a gauge on. And like me, some of my close friends then bounce those things off of their close friends or sometimes they run it by their kids in a, not in a sort of revealing way, but in a way that somehow ends up my kid has figured out that I have been trying to figure something out about them and they feel talked about, my kids feel talked about. That leads to a lack of trust. There's a fine line here between confiding in your friends so that you can parent better or you can adult better versus violating your kids confidence. And I think I've been on both sides of the line many, many times. I can and have really have worked to do better on that. So that's an example of a time where my kids have called me out and they've said, you know what, it wasn't okay. I think you shared this and that wasn't okay. And they're right. But to, you know, the overall approach of not being so defensive, acknowledging when someone's got a good point, laughing when they don't have a good point, mostly laughing with them, sometimes laughing at them. I think that's, that's sort of my. Now do we have an episode that refers to any of that? Vanessa?

C (18:26)

I, you know, there's a little bit of the judgment episode, I think.

A (18:30)

Yeah, that's true.

C (18:31)

But here's the thing. The thing that I love the most about not being defensive is that if we get defensive, the door closes, right? If we get defensive, whether or not we have a right, right. If you turn to your kid and you say, I made dinner, so shut your fat Mouth, because I made dinner. And you can. God. Well, love your examples. But if you do that, then the whole tone changes and the whole mood changes and the door slams shut. And then every night, the specter of that interaction hangs over the dinner and the cleanup.

A (19:17)

And it's not even that you can be sort of the aggressive defensive, but you can also be the. The sort of passive aggressive defensive, which I actually think is a little bit worse. Like, I'm the wounded animal in the room. You hurt my feelings. And you know what? If your kid hurts your feelings, I do believe you should say to your kid, you know what? That really hurts my feelings. That makes me feel bad. And I have done that. And my kids are like, sorry, didn't mean to do that. But when you play the wounded animal every single time, that sets you up for a whole different dynamic. That's not the dynamic most parents are going for.

C (19:47)

But I do like the idea of calling people on. There's a way of responding which is ha ha funny. And also, like, you can make fun of me and I can make fun of you a little bit, and we're going to have a sense of humor about it. Last night, I actually sent it to you. Last night, one of my kids did such a spot on imitation of me. I think it was like discussing, like, what's your approach gonna be on this, you know, for this week, this final week of tests before vacation, Something like that. And he just skewered me. And it was so funny. And I could've.

A (20:27)

I was dying to know if you were videoing him at the moment or if you said, do it again. I have to get that on video.

C (20:34)

I said, do it again. I have to send it to Kara. Cause she's gonna wet her pants. And so. But what he was saying was two things. When they give it back to us, not in a disrespectful way. When they give it back to us in a disrespectful way, we have every right to say, that's hurtful. I need you to either take a breath or try that again. But when they come back to us with humor, what they're telling us is two things. One, I hear you. Like, I have absorbed what you have been telling me ad nauseam for the last decade. And number two, we can be in dialogue about it with humor. You are human to me, I am human to you, and we can be in conversation about it. And the way that I fail when I shout at my kids, when I'm trying to be with them in something but instead, I'm putting myself on the other side of it, is that it shuts down the conversation. And I can't always help when I lose my patience, but I can circle back and say, I'm really sorry I lost my patience. What could I have done better or differently? And knowing my older kids, I would say, I'm really sorry, and they would mock me and say, what could we do differently next time? Without me even having to say, say that to them. Which kind of feels like a win. Like being mocked, in that case actually feels like I'm doing something right.

A (22:08)

Well, because you're playing this secret jiu jitsu mind move where you're actually making them think about what they could do.

C (22:16)

Right.

A (22:16)

They're making fun of you, but they're kind of thinking about it that way. Which leads me to another resolution, which is to stop having resolutions for everyone else in my family.

C (22:24)

Like, we have this thing, but you.

A (22:27)

We call my mom the Toastmaster General, because whenever there is a dinner with more than two people, she will raise a glass, and she'll go around the table and toast everyone and thank them all for being there for the various reasons that they're there and all the way she knows them and how wonderful they are. I mean, it's really kind of a beautiful thing, and it's a little painful because you know how long it's gonna take. And then she toasts the event or whatever, and she's like, she's the Toastmaster General. New Year's. The Toastmaster General always believed that everyone should share their resolutions with everyone else, which was sort of like opening presents at a baby shower.

C (23:04)

Yeah. Painful.

A (23:06)

Painful. Which is a habit that I picked up and a habit that my family immediately shut down. So then I did a twist on it where, because they didn't want to participate in this exercise, which I actually don't blame them. It's really not that fun.

C (23:23)

It's super annoying.

A (23:24)

It's super annoying. I decided that we should share resolutions for each other. Let me tell you, that's even less fun.

C (23:32)

You thought that was a better idea?

A (23:34)

You know, you take the do over, Vanessa, you try something new, and then you realize it doesn't work, and you take the do over. So we did that for about one year. But mentally, I cannot help myself but to think, if no one's going to share their resolution, I'm just going to play this mental game where I share what I wish their resolutions would be. Things like, I resolved to pick the shoes up off the floor.

C (23:58)

Oh, please don't I can't even. I can't even.

A (24:01)

Okay, so another resolution that I am going to have is the resolution to let that go. In other words, you know, as our kids get older and we always say a version of bigger kids, bigger problems, everyone does this is, you know, not our trope, it's the world's trope. But I think it becomes very, very important to recognize that really bigger kids, bigger problems. And so these little things that we do, these rituals we have for self improvement, they can get oddly pathological and they can get oddly controlling. And at a certain point, especially as your kids are heading through puberty and beyond, to recognize that New Year's does not have to be a moment of reflection. It can be, but so could, you know, next Tuesday. It just doesn't matter what day. Teaching the self reflection is important. Teaching the goal setting is important. But doing this whole ritual around I resolve to change something on a given day at a given time doesn't necessarily work for everyone. And if you as the adult decide you are going to resolve things for other people, that definitely doesn't work. We'll be right back. But first a word from our sponsors.

C (25:17)

I have my second resolution and this is actually related to Lisa d' Amore's book. And I don't want. This is not a spoiler alert for anyone but like the thrust of the book is about learning to live through distressing, difficult feelings. Not avoiding them and not immediately solving them or wishing them away, but just being able to cope through them. And I find as a parent that is the hardest thing besides the shoes on the stairs. Living through my kids emotional distress, not letting it ruin my day, not trying to solve it or fix it for them, but just sitting through those rocky moments of difficulty. Whether it's a test they think they failed, whether it's a difficult situation with a friend, whether it's getting cut from a team, whatever it is, parents feel their kids pain so deeply. And reminding myself that the first emotion I have around my kids, challenges is not the only emotion I will have and that I can ride it out well.

A (26:34)

And I will say by extension, I think that same resolution could be in the opposite direction for one's own parents because you know, the experience and we haven't talked about this too, too much on the podcast, although I suspect next year we'll get into it a little bit more.

C (26:53)

You know, we have to have our mothers on the podcast.

A (26:55)

We're gonna have our mothers.

C (26:56)

That's another resolution.

A (26:58)

General is coming.

C (26:59)

Well, Liz would do well in The Kroll family, because everybody gives toasts. All.

A (27:04)

We should just have them on and they could just toast each other for the entire episode.

C (27:08)

Whatever. They can toast us, for God's sakes, 100%.

A (27:11)

So it is very important for us to recognize, as a generation in between, you know, involved in the lives of kids, but also caring for our own parents, that all the things you just described about how it feels to parent or help raise a kid are also all the emotions you feel about the people who raised you and all the emotions they feel about you. I mean, just because we are done being adolescents doesn't mean that this very big swell of emotions is gone for the parents in our lives. And I do think it's important to take that same advice of just listening and sitting with emotions when it comes to the older adults in our lives. As a society, we have this very bad habit of infantilizing older people and pooh, poohing their feelings or simplifying their feelings. And I think we get that very wrong. That is a. You know, there are cultures around the world that do it quite differently and really revere the knowledge and. And life experience, lived experience of elders. I think there's a real resolution that. Just sitting with them, listening, letting them sit with their feelings, learning from their experiences. There's a lot to be said about that direction.

C (28:38)

And we're modeling for our kids how we would like them to treat us when we.

A (28:43)

Oh, I'm going to resolve to do better. There I am. Because our. Our parents know our buttons, right? And they can.

C (28:51)

Our kids see everything and they watch everything. And frankly, they often do better than we do when engaging with their, you know, if they're lucky enough to have living grandparents to engage with.

A (29:02)

Yeah, grandparents do sometimes do better with grandkids than they did with their own kids. And likewise, grandkids sometimes do better with grandparents. It's a very beautiful mutual thing. I can reference an episode around that. Henry Winkler.

C (29:17)

Henry Winkler. I think we should all just resolve to be more like Henry Winkler. That's like, the only resolution we need is to be as inclusive and empathetic and kind and loving as. Yes. As Zoe and Henry. That would be lovely. So I'm gonna send us off Kara, in true Liz style. Liz is Cara's mom, in case you guys didn't know that. I think that we need to give ourselves grace, that making these resolutions is wonderful and important, and that we also need to have grace when we fall down and remind ourselves to get back up and try it again, because it is better for us. It is better for our kids if we keep trying. And it does get easier. These skills do. Except for my goddamn impatience. Other things get easier. But I've already gotten better about the contacts and I am going to do much, much better. And I just think I feel so lucky to get to do this with you, Cara. And I feel so lucky to have this incredible community of adults who listen to this podcast and the awesome adolescents who listen to this podcast who give us feedback and insight as well. This is just like my resolution is just to keep getting to do this work in the coming year.

A (30:46)

Me too. I'm resolving that today. I'm not waiting till January 1st.

C (30:53)

Normally you just write ditto exclamation point.

A (30:57)

Or I just do the pointing finger emoji.

C (30:59)

Yeah, what she said. So to all of our listeners, wishing you happy and a healthy new Year filled with great joy and lots of patience and lots of do overs and lots of love and maybe even some quiet moments to yourself.

A (31:17)

Happy New Year, Vanessa.

C (31:18)

Happy New Year Cara. Thank you so much for listening. You can email us with questions, feedback or Episode requests@podcast.com if you want to

A (31:34)

learn more about what we do to make this whole stage of life less awkward for everyone involved. Our parent membership, our school health ed curriculum, our keynote talks, and more our all at Less awkward.

C (31:49)

Com. And if you want products that make puberty so much more comfortable, visit myumla. Com.