Podcast Summary: "Can We Make Our Kids Happy? with Laurie Santos"

Podcast: This Is So Awkward
Hosts: Dr. Cara Natterson, Vanessa Kroll Bennett
Guest: Dr. Laurie Santos, Professor of Psychology at Yale
Date: April 21, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores the science behind happiness, particularly in kids and teens navigating adolescence, puberty, and a high-pressure, tech-saturated world. Yale psychologist Laurie Santos—renowned for her record-breaking “Psychology and the Good Life” course—joins hosts Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett to discuss what happiness really means, why it often eludes young people today, and evidence-based ways parents and trusted adults can help kids build true well-being.

The conversation covers why happiness is so hard to define and achieve, the pitfalls of “achievement” and perfection cultures, the role of parents’ own emotional regulation, tools for supporting self-agency in children, and the nuances of social connection, temperament, and emotional contagion. Science, real-world anecdotes, and practical parenting strategies shape a lively and accessible guide to nurturing happier, more resilient kids.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Happiness

• Two-Part Definition (03:03)

  • "Social scientists define happiness as having these two parts: being happy in your life, and being happy with your life."
    — Laurie Santos

• Being happy in your life: Ratio of positive to negative emotion.

• Being happy with your life: Cognitive assessment—life satisfaction.

• Both emotional (affective) and evaluative (cognitive) aspects are key, but these can diverge (e.g., new parenthood vs. celebrity emptiness).

• Different Philosophical Angles (05:02–06:05)

  • Dan Harris: “Okayness”—a goal rooted in equanimity.
  • Western vs. Eastern notions: Is happiness high-energy joy, or calm contentment?
  • The real target may be a blend or balance, personalized to each individual.

2. Happiness in Adolescents: Modern Challenges

• College Mental Health Crisis (07:25–10:01)

  • Laurie became interested after witnessing a surge in depression, anxiety, and loneliness among Yale students.
    • "More than 40% of college students report being too depressed to function most days." – Laurie Santos (07:25)
  • Created her course as an accessible toolbox for well-being.

• Effectiveness of Science-Based Courses (10:13–11:23)

  • Online course data: Students score ~10% higher on happiness after practical skill-building.
  • Improvement is incremental but meaningful.

3. Emotion Regulation: “First Arrow” and “Second Arrow” (12:53)

• Parable from Buddhism (12:53)

  • We can’t prevent the “first arrow” (natural emotional reactions), but we can control how we respond—the “second arrow.”
  • Key tool: “Affect labeling”—naming and acknowledging emotions.

• Challenges for Teens (18:18)

  • Teen brains are less equipped for this due to still-developing prefrontal cortex.
  • Even young children can learn some strategies with practice.
  • Modeling by adults is vital: "A big way that we can help the young people in our lives do that better as an adult is to practice it ourselves—to show that we are regulating our own emotions in real time." — Laurie Santos (19:23)

4. Why Are So Many Young People Unhappy Now? (21:07)

• Multiple Drivers (21:07–23:11):
  • Technology: Less face-to-face connection, poorer sleep, fragmented attention.
  • Cultural shift: Pre-professional pressures, achievement obsession, perfectionism.
  • "It's really devastating young people's attention, being present." (22:01)
• Parental Influence
  • Parental anxiety is highly predictive of child anxiety.
  • "We know one of the biggest predictors of childhood and teen anxiety is a parent's anxiety level." — Laurie Santos (23:41)
  • Emotional “contagion” happens—kids pick up adult stress even when parents try to hide it.

5. Supporting Kids: Agency, Resilience, and “Parenting to Learn”

• Fostering Agency and Resilience (27:30–28:26)

  • "Your goal is to teach your kids things, not just that they perform well."
    — Laurie Santos
  • Let kids struggle; don’t always intervene.
  • Use strategies like "collaborative troubleshooting": Offer guidance with questions, not answers.
  • Agency and small accomplishments are fundamental sources of positive emotion.

• Real-World Analogies and Tools

  • Shoe-tying example (30:34): Sometimes the best move is knowing when to delegate or refrain from helping.

6. What’s Fixed vs. Changeable in Happiness? (31:50)

• Genetics and temperament play a role, but are not destiny.
  • "Heritability factor is like kind of moderate—about as heritable as religious beliefs." — Laurie Santos (31:50)
• Personality can shift at the margins; even strong introverts can “nudge” themselves toward social activities for a happiness boost.

7. Importance of Social Connection (40:42)

• "Pretty much every available study of happy people suggests that happy people are more social." — Laurie Santos (40:42)
• One-on-one, meaningful ties matter more than popularity.
• If kids are struggling socially, “nudge, don’t shove”—support self-agency and avoid over-mediation, especially as kids get older.

8. Parents’ Role: Modeling, Not Managing

• Kids Notice Everything (48:37)

  • Attempting to suppress or hide stress doesn’t work; kids “catch” it anyway.
  • “Working on your own happiness as a parent is one of the best things you can do.” — Laurie Santos (50:02)

• Can Parents Make Kids Happy? (50:42)

  • "I think we can make ourselves happy and... create the right structural conditions for them to thrive. But they have to do the work themselves."
    — Laurie Santos (50:42)
  • Promote vocabulary for feelings, encourage authentic participation, model self-awareness.

9. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Attribution | |-----------|-------|-------------| | 03:03 | “They like to define happiness as having these two parts: being happy in your life and being happy with your life.” | Laurie Santos | | 07:25 | “More than 40% of college students report being too depressed to function most days.” | Laurie Santos | | 12:53 | “The first arrow is... what happens naturally... the second arrow is our reaction to it. The Buddha points out that the second arrow is on us. We shoot that arrow ourselves.” | Laurie Santos | | 19:23 | “Practice it ourselves... show that we are regulating our own emotions in real time.” | Laurie Santos | | 23:41 | “One of the biggest predictors of childhood and teen anxiety is a parent's anxiety level.” | Laurie Santos | | 27:30 | “If you parent to learn, you gotta let them mess up, you gotta let them go through their punches.” | Laurie Santos | | 40:42 | “Social connection is pretty much essential if you want to achieve high happiness.” | Laurie Santos | | 50:42 | “We can make ourselves happy and... create the right structural conditions for them to thrive... but they have to do the work themselves.” | Laurie Santos |

10. Practical Strategies for Parents & Kids

• Affect labeling: Name emotions out loud, model acceptance.
• Parent for learning, not just performance.
• Allow natural consequences; don’t bail kids out of every struggle.
• “Collaborative troubleshooting”: Ask questions, validate, let kids brainstorm solutions.
• Nudge toward social interaction, but respect autonomy.
• Prioritize parent self-care and emotional awareness as a service to family well-being.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Defining Happiness: 03:03–06:05
• College Mental Health Crisis & Course Origin: 07:25–10:01
• Controlling Emotions, Buddha’s “Two Arrows”: 12:53–15:03, 18:18–19:23
• Technology & Cultural Drivers of Unhappiness: 21:07–23:11
• Parental Anxiety, Emotional Contagion: 23:41–24:44, 48:37–50:34
• Building Agency, Parenting to Learn Strategies: 27:30–31:50
• Temperament, Personality Change: 36:38–39:33
• Social Connection in Happiness: 40:42–43:14
• Helping Others—Friends, Parents, Emotional Contagion: 47:32–50:02
• Big Takeaway: Guidance, Not Control: 50:42–54:37

Conclusion & Takeaways

The episode underlines that while parents can’t “make” kids happy, they shape the climate in which kids can learn happiness skills. Emotional self-regulation, valuing agency and learning from mistakes, and fostering meaningful connection are key. Tips and mindsets from positive psychology—for both parents and teens—aren’t about erasing struggle, but building and modeling the skills to ride life’s ups and downs with more wisdom.

Final Word:
“If you could rewrite that scene [from Sixteen Candles]... I think it would start by listening, right?... I think what you'll hear might be some interesting things... I think we need a little bit of humility to recognize that, like, maybe we don't have all the answers. Maybe they've actually tried stuff and they might know something.”
— Laurie Santos (53:05)

For more, explore Laurie Santos’ courses on Coursera, including “The Science of Well-Being,” and look out for her Science of Well-Being editions for teens and parents!