Podcast Summary: "How Kids Get Emotionally Intelligent"

This Is So Awkward
Date: March 3, 2026
Hosts: Dr. Cara Natterson ("A") & Vanessa Kroll Bennett ("B")

Overview

This episode dives into the concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) in children, especially during the tumultuous years of puberty (ages 8–18). With humor, science, and empathy, Dr. Natterson and Vanessa explore why EQ matters, how it develops, the challenges faced by children and parents, and strategies for nurturing these skills across diverse temperaments, developmental stages, and genders. The episode provides practical tools, cultural insights, and encouragement for adults seeking to support kids—and themselves—in building emotional intelligence for lifelong benefit.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Emotional Intelligence ([02:44])

• Emotional intelligence is "the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions while also recognizing and responding to others' feelings."
• Vanessa jokes about the acronyms: “I felt emotionally unintelligent when I didn’t know what EQ was, but I knew what emotional intelligence was.” (B, 02:22)
• It’s both self-knowledge and empathy—standing in your own shoes and in someone else’s.

“It is both self-knowledge and empathy rolled into one.”
(A, 03:08)

2. EQ: Nature, Nurture, and Neurodiversity ([03:36] – [05:27])

• Some kids seem "born with mad EQ" while for most it’s a learned and learnable set of skills built over time.
• Neurodiversity (e.g., autism, ADHD) impacts development and expression of EQ; strategies must be tailored.
• Recognizes the importance of specialized resources for neurodiverse kids, recommending Debbie Reber's podcast “Tilt Parenting.”

3. The Role of Gender and Cultural Norms ([06:54] – [08:39])

• Cultural and gender expectations significantly shape children’s emotional development:
  • Girls: traditionally encouraged to use emotional language and empathy.
  • Boys: often receive far less emotional coaching and language after infancy.
• Referenced research (and the “Boy Mom” episode with Ruth Whitman) highlights how infant boys and girls start similarly but diverge due to socialization.

“If we don’t give boys the same language we give girls, we actually are telling them this language is not important to you.”
(A, 09:22)

• Dr. Natterson discusses her book Guy Stuff Feelings aimed at giving boys a feelings vocabulary.

4. The Importance of Emotional Vocabulary ([14:02] – [15:51])

• Kids need tools like feelings wheels and charts to develop their vocabulary beyond “I’m fine.”
• Visual aids (charts/wheels) make emotions tangible and gradational (not just “happy” or “sad,” but “elated,” “content,” “bummed,” etc.).
• Vanessa’s classroom advice: let kids circle how they feel on a chart, even if they can’t read the words yet.

“I am all for bringing back feelings wheels, feelings charts—anything that allows kids to get at some granularity around their emotional vocabulary.”
(B, 15:24)

• Concrete examples from Guy Stuff Feelings:
  • “Sadness cloud” words: weepy, disappointed, glum, heartbroken, blue, bummed.

5. Overcoming the ‘I’m Fine’ Barrier ([18:15] – [19:33])

• Children (especially tweens/teens) often hide feelings for privacy, fear of repercussions, or worry about others’ reactions.
• Modeling vulnerability as an adult helps—the more granular, specific, and honest, the better.

“I'll sort of model for them what it looks like to unpack something that doesn't feel great...”
(B, 19:16)

6. The Five Elements of Emotional Intelligence ([20:39] – [34:04])

1. Self-Awareness

   • Recognizing and naming one’s feelings and the reasons behind them.

2. Self-Management

   • Regulating emotions and impulses. Hosts candidly share personal and family examples, acknowledging this is hard for adults too.

   “We can’t all have control of our emotions all of the time.”
   (B, 23:12)

   • Highlights the stress/anxiety burden for 'perfectly' managed kids who never act out.

3. Social Awareness

   • Understanding others’ emotions and perspectives.
   • Tied to developmental stage; develops through late elementary/middle school.

4. Relationship Skills

   • Communication, conflict resolution, and compromise.
   • Best practiced in family/sibling relationships; need to be deliberately fostered for only children.

5. Decision Making

   • Acting in ways that appropriately integrate one’s own and others’ emotions.
   • Sometimes kids have elements 1–4 but falter at this final step, especially under stress.

   “It all lands at making decisions. And actually that's where we see emotional intelligence play out.”
   (A, 34:42)

• Gendered Differences in Social Awareness & Relationship Skills
  • Tweens and teen boys often "quiet down" emotionally, possibly linked to testosterone (hosts invite researchers to study this).
  • Girls are more often encouraged to verbalize and process feelings.

7. The Value of Family ‘Contracts’ for Communication ([31:27])

• Vanessa’s story: Explicitly stating a “social contract” in her family that they talk about feelings, even if it’s hard.
  • Strategies for drawing out reticent kids: ask for “just one thing” about their day and model openness.

8. Asking for Help: The Sixth Essential EQ Skill ([37:34] – [38:52])

• Recognizing one's own limitations and seeking support is an act of strength, not weakness.
• The hosts argue that the ability to reach out for help is an essential component of EQ.

“You cannot be emotionally intelligent and think you don’t need help.”
(A, 38:54)

9. EQ and “Smarts”—Not a Zero-Sum Game ([38:52])

• EQ and IQ are separate; building one doesn't diminish the other.
• Every child (and adult) benefits from fostering emotional intelligence, regardless of innate temperament or neurotype.

“It’s not a zero-sum game... regardless of the way their brain is wired, [everyone] has capacity to learn some of the skills of EQ.”
(A, 40:46)

10. Lifelong Learning—It’s Never Too Late ([41:56])

• Many adults haven’t been taught EQ skills—so learn with your kids!
• Book recommendation: Big Kids, Big Feelings by Alyssa Campbell.

“It’s never too late, and the research tells us these are lifelong skills that get built...”
(B, 41:56)

11. Personal Gratitude & Modeling Growth ([42:59])

• Cara thanks Vanessa for helping her build better EQ structures, demonstrating the importance of learning from others at any age.
• Encourage children by sharing that adults are always learning and improving too.

“One of the places to land with emotional intelligence is recognize that as the adult in the room, your emotional intelligence is growing and evolving all the time, too.”
(A, 43:40)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If every single kid could get physical therapy and occupational therapy, they would all be better off... The same is true of emotional intelligence.”
  (A, 00:08 & 40:55)
• “Letting our kids know that there’s stuff that we’re still working on... is such a gift to our kids so they don’t see it as a black and white zero sum game.”
  (B, 45:00)
• “Mirror the people in your life with more EQ. What has come from that has been only good in my life.”
  (A, 43:40)
• “Para, eq, iq, ei, whatever it’s called. It is a pleasure doing it all with you.”
  (B, 45:38)

Important Timestamps

• 02:44 – Clear definition of EQ
• 06:54 – Gender and cultural norms in EQ development
• 14:02 – Feelings wheels/charts and emotional vocabulary
• 18:15 – Overcoming “I’m fine”: barriers in expressing feelings
• 20:39 – Five elements of EQ introduced
• 23:12/25:14 – Risks for “over-managed” kids and those never allowed to lose control
• 27:29 – Social awareness and relationship skills, impact of siblings/only children
• 31:27 – Family emotional contracts in practice
• 34:04 – Decision making as the apex of EQ
• 37:34 – “Asking for help” as the (sixth) essential skill
• 38:52 – EQ is not a zero-sum game vs. IQ
• 41:56 – Lifelong learning, it’s never too late to build EQ
• 42:59–45:00 – Modeling growth, gratitude, ending reflections

Actionable Takeaways

• Use feelings charts/wheels for more nuanced conversations about emotions with kids, even those who can’t read yet.
• Explicitly model your own emotional process with your children: identify, name, reflect.
• Avoid gendering emotional skills; provide boys with emotional vocabulary and safe spaces for sharing.
• For reserved kids, gently set expectations: “I need more than ‘fine.’”
• Encourage the mindset that asking for help is courageous and essential.
• Adults should learn EQ alongside their children and model ongoing growth.
• Recommended resources: Guy Stuff Feelings (Natterson), Big Kids, Big Feelings (Campbell), Debbie Reber’s Tilt Parenting podcast.

Closing Sentiment

Both hosts emphasize that emotional intelligence is an evolving, lifelong journey—and that it’s never too late to start. Practicing and modeling vulnerability, self-awareness, and communication equips both children and adults to navigate life’s awkward (and wonderful) moments with confidence, resilience, and connection.