A Court of Wings and Ruin (ACOTAR Book 3) PART 1

Summary

Summary of “A Court of Wings and Ruin (ACOTAR Book 3) PART 1” by Pearlmania500

Introduction

In this episode of Too Many Tabs with Pearlmania500, host Pearlmania500 (referred to as “A”) and co-host discuss A Court of Wings and Ruin (ACOTAR Book 3) by Sarah J. Maas. While Pearlmania500 expresses strong disdain for the book, both hosts delve into a detailed analysis of the plot, characters, and themes presented in the first part of the novel.

Recap of Previous Books

Before diving into Book 3, the hosts provide a concise recap of the first two books in the ACOTAR series:

• Book 1: A Court of Thorns and Roses introduces Feyre Archeron, a 19-year-old human who hunts to support her impoverished family. After killing a wolf (revealed to be a faerie), she is taken to Prythian, a magical land divided by a wall. Feyre becomes involved in a Beauty and the Beast-style romance with Tamlin, the High Lord of the Spring Court. The curse affecting Prythian is eventually broken, but not without significant trauma for Feyre.

  A (00:10): “Feyre is a 19-year-old human girl living in the woods… she goes to the Spring Court… curses are broken… formidable battles ensue.” (00:10)

• Book 2: A Court of Mist and Fury explores Feyre's struggles with PTSD and her evolving relationship with Rhysand, the High Lord of the Night Court. She learns to navigate her newfound faerie powers and ultimately leaves Tamlin to join Rhysand, setting the stage for further conflicts.

  B (14:22): “She has incredibly extreme post-traumatic stress disorder… she learns how to do her magic.” (14:22)

Discussion of Book 3: Part 1

Plot Overview

In A Court of Wings and Ruin, Book 3 is divided into three parts. This episode focuses on the events of Part 1, titled Princess of Carry On. The hosts dissect the intricate plot and character developments that drive the narrative forward.

Key Events and Characters

1. Feyre’s Mission and Betrayals

   • Feyre, now the High Lady of the Night Court, embarks on a mission to negotiate peace with the King of Hybern, who poses a significant threat to Prythian.
   • Tamlin remains controlling and paranoid, straining his relationship with Feyre.
   • The introduction of new antagonists, including Ianthe, the blonde priestess whose manipulative actions deepen the conflict.

   A (23:47): “She’s using glamour to hide her special tattoos… Ianthe shows up and tries to gaslight her.” (23:47)

2. The Crew and Their Quest

   • Feyre teams up with Lucian, Jurian, and the infamous “freak twins” to strategize against Hybern’s forces.
   • The group explores various locations, including multiple holes in the wall separating humans and faeries, each unveiling critical information about the overarching war.

   B (33:05): “Jurian explains that turning Feyre's sisters into fairies drained the cauldron.” (33:05)

3. Character Dynamics and Development

   • The hosts critique the depiction of relationships, particularly the use of terms like “mates” and “bonds,” which they find unconventional and awkward.
   • The progression of Feyre’s character from a traumatized survivor to a strategic leader is analyzed, highlighting her internal conflicts and growth.

   B (40:23): “It took to book three, or was it book two, where you were like… is spellbinding.” (40:23)

Notable Quotes

Throughout the discussion, the hosts highlight several memorable quotes from the episode:

• A (06:36): “It is time for a Court of Wings and Ruin.”
• B (97:10): “We're making some fairy fusion.”
• A (63:07): “I did not buy a physical copy of this book.”
• B (112:38): “Only one of those could be true. Yeah, she left. Or she was stolen.”

Critical Analysis

The hosts express mixed feelings about the book’s pacing and character motivations. Pearlmania500 criticizes the excessive exposition and the portrayal of fairies as predominantly antagonistic, arguing that it detracts from the story’s depth.

A (31:00): “Sarah J. Maas is not original in anything. She just is… taking some ingredients from this thing.” (31:00)

Additionally, they discuss the handling of sensitive topics such as sexual violence and PTSD, noting that the book often delves into graphic and unsettling areas without adequate exploration of the characters' emotional landscapes.

B (48:00): “There's a lot of sexual violence in this book… it's like Blade Runner meets Beauty and the Beast.” (48:00)

Conclusion and Teasers for Part 2

As the episode progresses, the hosts reach the midpoint of their discussion on Part 1, expressing their anticipation for Part 2. They tease upcoming content, including further plot developments and character arcs that promise to escalate the tension and conflict within the story.

A (75:07): “She's like, I need the Ouroboros mirror. And he laughs… you can have it as a mating present.” (75:07) B (116:11): “If this was made into a movie, who would be playing Feyre in your mind?” (116:11)

Final Thoughts

By the episode’s end, Pearlmania500 concludes that Part 1 was overly cluttered with unnecessary chapters and unsatisfying character interactions. However, there is a hint of optimism that the story will improve as it progresses.

A (117:24): “And now it's gonna get good. Everything I just read to you I hated with a passion.” (117:24)

The hosts announce that Part 2 will be released separately, promising a continuation of their animated and often humorous take on the book’s events.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• A (00:10): “Feyre is a 19-year-old human girl living in the woods… she goes to the Spring Court… curses are broken… formidable battles ensue.”
• B (14:22): “She has incredibly extreme post-traumatic stress disorder… she learns how to do her magic.”
• A (23:47): “She’s using glamour to hide her special tattoos… Ianthe shows up and tries to gaslight her.”
• B (33:05): “Jurian explains that turning Feyre's sisters into fairies drained the cauldron.”
• A (31:00): “Sarah J. Maas is not original in anything. She just is… taking some ingredients from this thing.”
• B (48:00): “There's a lot of sexual violence in this book… it's like Blade Runner meets Beauty and the Beast.”
• A (75:07): “She's like, I need the Ouroboros mirror. And he laughs… you can have it as a mating present.”
• B (116:11): “If this was made into a movie, who would be playing Feyre in your mind?”
• A (117:24): “And now it's gonna get good. Everything I just read to you I hated with a passion.”

Final Remarks

Too Many Tabs with Pearlmania500 offers a candid and humorous critique of A Court of Wings and Ruin, balancing detailed plot summaries with personal opinions and witty commentary. While the hosts don't shy away from expressing their frustrations, their enthusiasm for continuing the discussion suggests a deeper engagement with the series despite their criticisms.

---

Note: For a more comprehensive analysis and additional content, listeners are encouraged to check out the full podcast episode on YouTube, where visual aids and further discussions enhance the overall experience.

Transcript

[A]

At T Mobile, we'll give you four free 5G phones and four lines for only $25 per line per month with eligible trade ins. And no, it's not a contest. It's every day for a limited time. Everyone's a winner on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for $25 per line per month with autopay discount using debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay. Up to $830 off each phone via 24 monthly bill credits plus taxes, fees and $10 device connection charge for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreement due bill credits end if you pay off devices early. CT mobile.com welcome to Too Many Tabs, a podcast where usually a husband and wife sit across from each other at a desk where one of them has done research about a topic that they've hyper fixated on. However, once a month, usually the wife of the married couple. Of the husband and wife.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Usually the wife reads a book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then she tells the husband all about that book. But every once in a while.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

When the stars align correctly and the phases of the moon touch one with the universe, the husband reads a book. But not just any book. He reads a specific book, he goes to the mythical land of Prythian God. I hate this book already. Because you know what? Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to tell you that today is time for horny fairy 3. Too many frauds and too many scammers that we wish weren't real. Too many cons and too many spammers. And we're starting to feel like we've got too many tabs.

[B]

Open it.

[A]

Too many tabs. Remember to smile. And here we are. We're here. We're here. A new Horny Fairy book is upon us.

[B]

We're doing it. We're recording.

[A]

We're getting this out now. Just to let you guys know, we are dropping this episode here on Tuesday. Don't know how long it's going to be. Yeah, this could be. This could be multi part. This could be single part.

[B]

We haven't started yet. We don't know.

[A]

We don't know. You're. You're finding out the couple hours after we recorded it. We have no clue.

[B]

We don't know what we're doing.

[A]

But that being said, we do not have the time or the resources. So this is the only episode this week. This is your Sunday drop.

[B]

Sunday drop. We're just Doing it early.

[A]

We're doing it early for Thanksgiving because.

[B]

A lot of people are going to be traveling.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They're going to be driving, flying. They're going to be sitting in the den of some aunt that they don't like while everybody else is in the dining room and living room.

[A]

You're going to be reintroduced to a cousin that your mom is going to swear to God is important in your life. And you're like, who is this person? And that person is going to have the absolute worst politics that you've ever imagined. And here's the thing. They're going to agree with you on 40%. And that 40% is not the most important things to you. And it's going to drive you insane. Which is why I have spent the last bunch of months reading perhaps the worst book I've ever read.

[B]

I want to just step in real quick and say that for the last bunch of months, you've been. We've been. We didn't tell anybody.

[A]

We didn't tell anybody.

[B]

Secretly reading this in hopes of doing that last episode.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And then. But we had no timeline.

[A]

We had no timeline.

[B]

Every once in a while, he'd read it.

[A]

I was traveling meandering.

[B]

It was meandering through the last book. But then after what happened in November. Yeah, we agreed. I said, listen to me, you son of a bitch. You're going to read all that book fast as possible, because these people need. Yeah, they need the Horny Fairy book. We're all having a bit of a time right now, and we need to listen to you explain what I think is your favorite book.

[A]

Yeah. And I mean, you've read three of them. And I finished the book 24 hours ago. And then I sat down and I wrote an entire outline that is now a little over 12 pages. And in. In single. Single space. Single space, 11 font.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There's no double space on this page. We are in it to win it. So that being said, for all of our Patreon members, all of our team leads, all of our upline managers and our feds, all of you and the hey Huns, we have a bunch of people who are grandfathered in at the. The old hey Hunt here, thank you guys so much for being continued supporters of us. This is for y'all, and for all y'all and for all of our listeners.

[B]

Yeah, for everybody.

[A]

But. And. And the other thing, to let everybody know if you're new, if this is the first time you've ever heard our podcast, there is a playlist that I'M going to make that will be up there by the time you hear this of on YouTube of all three books. So you can watch them on YouTube very easily. And if you want to hear any of our other special stuff, like the Warm up, which is our parasocial Patreon podcast where we kind of talk more about ourselves, or if you want to find out about our new delight that people are loving, the people are loving it. Burning up the charts. It's our Patreon exclusive podcast called Vibing out with the Food Moron. Hi, my name's Alex Perlman, Also known as Pearlmania 500, but now known as the Food Moron. And I'm sitting across from the greatest vibe chef in history, Mrs. Pearlmania, who is now taking her vibes and actually measuring them out. Because she does all sorts of.

[B]

I didn't even know how to measure.

[A]

Vibes before you've figured it out. It's exactly three teaspoons of shortening.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But that's basically what she does is Mrs. Pearl Mainion has always been kind of a pinch of this, a dash of that type of cook, and she's taking her favorite recipes that she's made over the years and she has actually been testing them out on me and then writing them out into recipes and then she explains the recipe to me in a podcast. But all of the recipes right now, there's just the one.

[B]

There's just one. And it's a big one. It's deviled eggs.

[A]

Deviled eggs is awesome.

[B]

Listen to me right now. This is going out on Tuesday. There is enough time to listen to the episode, maybe print the PDF that's on the Patreon. You don't have to print it. Just look at it on your phone. If you don't want. If you don't have a printer, you're probably a screenshot. It's a person. If you don't have a printer, if you don't have a printer and you have time to get to the grocery store, get the ingredients and make them. Okay. If you, if you go into a family event, if you're not, if you just said, fuck everybody, hear me out. Listen to this podcast and then eat deviled eggs that you made. Oh, think of it.

[A]

And if you really want to do that, all of that, you can join us at pearlmania500.net that is a hyperlink directly to our Patreon or patreon.com Pearlmania500. That being said, Mrs. P, are you ready?

[B]

No.

[A]

Mr. P, are you ready? No. Listeners Are you ready? I don't think you are because here we are. It is time for a Court of Wings and Ruin.

[B]

I did not know that was that.

[A]

Was the name of the title. A Court of Wings and Ruin.

[B]

Oh no.

[A]

Also known as Horny Fairy 3. So we are gonna go throw to our first break and when we come back, y'all, I got a surprise. If you love your phone but not your carrier, just switch to T Mobile. You can keep your phone, keep your number and we'll help pay it off up to $800 per line. You can also use our savings calculator to compare our plans and streaming benefits against Verizon and AT&T. So switch and keep your phone, keep your number and keep more of your moolah. @t mobile.com up to 4 lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device, credit service port in 90 plus days with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card has no cash access and expires in six months. Marketing is hard, but I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't have to be. Let me point something out. You're listening to a podcast right now and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it. You listen to it while driving, working out, cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts are a pretty close companion. And this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre produced ad like this one across thousands of shows. To reach your target audience in their favorite podcasts with Libsyn ads, go to Libsynads.com that's L I B S Y N ads.com today Fairies Buggin Fairies buggin Vampires too.

[B]

Vampires too.

[A]

Sometimes the dragon's fair end they're all in the new all in the new. Sometimes there's a dinosaur sometimes there's for fail more Sometimes it's just a tiny girl with a shadow daddy rocking her world her world Fairies booking Fairies bucking railing all day Railing all day Sexy fairies with big bat wings Please carry me away. Yeah. That is our bumper for this episode.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

I want to thank all all of the people who tagged me on that on TikTok. I reached out to the band. They are called Grief Cat.

[B]

Grief cat.

[A]

Grief Cat. I'm going to link to them in the show notes on Instagram and their TikTok. Please follow them on both. They're incredible. Yeah, I reached out to them. And I was like, can I use your song on our podcast? They're like, yeah, what is it? And I was like, you said yes way too early. And I just want you to know that I am. I've been hyper fixated on this song. Yeah, okay. Hyper fixated on this song. And I actually put together a whole new soundboard just to be able to use this song. I've been neglecting my child.

[B]

So I. I didn't.

[A]

Don't worry.

[B]

I took care.

[A]

No, you took care of it. But I have not been there. You know why?

[B]

Why?

[A]

That's it. I just made just that. Just that part. Or my other favorite shadow daddy rocking her world. So those will come back.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I have them. I have them queued up.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

But. So here's the thing. Well, as we go into Horny Fairy 3, I was realizing something. I've been living in Horny Fairyland for a full year now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have only been there for four hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the only time you've been in the Horny Fairy realm has been when I've been telling you about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is why, like, these names don't. Like Feyre. You probably don't remember who that is. No, that's the main character.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I'm going to quickly give you a brief synopsis.

[B]

The main character's name is Feyre, but she's not a fairy.

[A]

She is now. We're going to get into it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is a brief synopsis of book one and two. Book one, Feyre is a 19 year old human girl living in the woods with her broken dad and sisters, Nesta and Elaine, who were jerks then.

[B]

Yes, got it.

[A]

They live in basically southern England. All right. Because when you look at the map of this world, it's clearly just English. It's just England. It's just Great Britain and Ireland and a little bit of France. That is the map of the world Sarah J. Maas is. Anyway, so she is hunting because her family's really poor.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

She shoots a wolf. And the wolf is actually a fairy.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And then a giant werewolf shows up and yells, you killed my man. And then stole her and takes her back across the wall.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then she goes to a place that is the Spring Court. Now, at the Spring Court, it is permanently April 25th.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because as was stated by Ms. Rhode island in the movie Ms. Congeniality, April 25th is the perfect date. It's not too hot, it's not too col. And all you need is a light jacket.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That is the realm she's taken to.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

Then we slowly realize that, oh, this is just Beauty and the Beast.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he has some. He and all of his people, just like in the Disney version, all have some sort of weird mask curse where they can't take these masks off. And all of them have, like, animal features. And she meets Lucian and he's like, he's the candelabra from the Beauty and the Beast, but he's like the friend and also like the court guy and then the main guy, the main dudes named Tamlin. So Feyre and Tamlin have this weird Beauty and the Beast style romance. And then plot hook. The curse is actually. Is. They keep calling it the blight, but the curse is actually this evil dark queen who lives on this place called under the Mountain.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And her name was Amarantha.

[B]

Amarantha.

[A]

Feyre and Tamlin do the old will they, won't they shenanigans for most of the book. It's a lot. They edge us. Most of the book. Yeah. And then Feyre ends up under the Mountain with Tamlin and Amarantha and this guy Rhysand, who is like a weird Dracula sex high Lord, because they're all High lord fairies, and it's all very whips and chains excite me type of stuff. But she has to get through three trials, and one of which was just reading.

[B]

Yeah, actually it was.

[A]

She doesn't know how to read. It's like a big deal. She doesn't know how to read. She also kills, like, a giant worm, but at the end, she ends up battling Queen Amarantha and Tamlin and Rhysand, and the three of them, they all battle her and they kill Queen Amarantha.

[B]

I'm sorry, I'm getting distracted because I. Now that you're saying them all together, I'm realizing that Sarah J. Moss, did she name all these people after food and not know it?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Because amaranth is a type of grain.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And rice is a type of grain.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tamarind is a fruit. So I'm just.

[A]

She might just been horny in her kitchen, babe. Sarah J. Maas might have just been horny in the kitchen.

[B]

She was like, oh, I'm making gluten free bread. Better get the amarantha.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So. So they kill Amarantha. They get rid of her.

[B]

Done.

[A]

But in that it kills. So I can't remember. I can't remember. Like, Amarantha just straight up kills. I think Amarantha just kills her yeah.

[B]

But she comes back.

[A]

They bring her back. The High Lords drop a little bit of their power into her, and then she comes back. But not only does she come back, she comes back as a High Fae. So now Feyre is a fairy and she can read? No, not yet. That's book two. But she comes back and then she kisses Tamlin. She has, like, a goodbye to Rhysand, and Rhysand's just like, oh, yeah, by the way, I have bat wings. And he flies away. And then she goes back to live happily ever after on April 25th. Forever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. That's book one.

[B]

That's book one.

[A]

Book two.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That was a lie. There is no happy endings. She has incredibly extreme post traumatic stress disorder. Ptsd.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And claustrophobia. From everything she went through underneath the mountain with that evil queen, Amarantha, and all the trials. Plus she has this huge case of survivor's guilt.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Because while everything was going on when she first met Rice and she. He was like, what's your name? And he. She was like, oh, my name is Claire Bed. Or. And he was like, okay, noted. And then he went back and told Amarantha. He's like, yeah, she has some human. Tamlin has some human named Claire Bedor. And Amarantha sent Faye over the wall that separates the world.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And they captured a girl named Claire Bedor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they killed the out of her and tortured. And it was really bad. And so Feyre feels really, really bad about that.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So Tamlin's like, whatever, we should still get married. And it's, like, really awkward. And it's pretty clear that, like, he's emotionally distant, but also he also has ptsd. And at this point, he's becoming increasingly paranoid while she is rotting away in front of everyone's eyes.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Remember that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she's about to marry him. She's walking up the aisle and she screams. And Ryson appears, is like, remember, we had a bet? We had a bargain bet. I saved your life. So I get to take you whenever I want. Like that one other Greek myth with Hades and the pomegranate.

[B]

Oh, Persephone.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So I'm gonna take you like that and whatever. And then he takes her back and he's like, whatever, I don't actually want you, but you just sounded crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he teaches her how to read slowly, over time. And then eventually she learns how to.

[B]

When she learned to read, was it like in a League of Their Own, where she's like, milky white bosoms kind Of.

[A]

Yeah, he makes her really. Right. Like, he writes, like, a dumb. Like, a weird sentence. Like, Rhysand is, like, a beautiful sex God. And she has to, like, write it out and read it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's very much that in the book. That is milky white bosoms. And so then quick fast forward, she learns how to read, she learns how to do her magic, and she learns how to forgive herself. Eventually, she leaves Tamlin completely and moves to the Night Court.

[B]

I'm glad that came back.

[A]

Yeah, I know. So once she's there at the Night Court, she has. She has a really good. She has a good time. She starts to meet more people, and then she learns all about the King of Hybern and the Cauldron and how the King of High burns, like, the great evil from the before war. Okay. Backstory, backstory, backstory. But she also meets the gang. I'm gonna call them the gang.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The crew. Yeah. So the crew is a bunch of really cool people. The crew involves Cassian. Cassian. He's the general.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

There's Azriel, the spy master. He's also a shadow singer.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

There's Morrigan, who is Ryson's cousin, but also, like, everybody's best friend. And Feyre's, like, first, like, friend that's a girl that isn't a sister. Like, she's actually, like, a girl. She's, like, my gal pal. Okay. And then there's Amren and Amron's the Eldritch horror that lives inside of an older lady's tiny body.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay. Do you remember her?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So they run around the crew.

[B]

The crew.

[A]

I like the crew better. You're right. I kept writing the Gang, and it does make it feel a little bit always sunny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The crew runs around and they collect a series of MacGuffins.

[B]

I'm sorry, what?

[A]

Okay. Have you ever heard of the Maltese Falcon?

[B]

I'm sorry, what?

[A]

The movie the maltese falcon. A MacGuffin is just a device that exists in a. Okay. Pulp Fiction.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know how in Pulp Fiction, they keep opening the suitcase and everyone, like, the golden light comes out of it, and it was like, oh, my God, what's in the suitcase? Like, the story is kind of tracking the suitcase. Yeah, the suitcase is just a plot device.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's called a MacGuffin. Got it in Storytelling World. So basically, they have a series of MacGuffins they have to run around and collect. Harry Potter. Collecting all of the things to kill. Voldemort.

[B]

Yeah. The Thingamajigs.

[A]

The thingamajig. Those are all MacGuffins. It's just. We need a thing. Why are we on this mission? We're on this mission to go get the thing. And this case, it was like a parts of books that they had to put together. And then they were gonna go to the cauldron, and she was gonna touch the cauldron and read the book, and then the cauldron would end and they would. The end. The war would end. Okay, but this is the middle of the trilogy, so it didn't. It didn't work out.

[B]

Yeah, we knew that wasn't gonna work.

[A]

They show up before they go to blow up the cauldron. Feyre and Ryson finally admit they fall in love. They have some soup and they fucking. And, you know, she, like, just admits completely that she's love with soup. Anyway, so I'm so excited for these buttons. So anyway, the. Where am I? Where am I? Okay, so they fuck after the soup, and then they all go to go take out the cauldron. But the plan goes completely sideways because they discover that the human queens that they've been trying to negotiate with to help them, they betrayed them completely. And they helped the evil fairy lord who actually wants to kill all the humans, but he was like, I'm gonna turn you into fairies by using the cauldron. And then Tamlin comes around the corner with Ianthe. All right, that's not Beyonce.

[B]

No.

[A]

Well, honestly, she has around the same amount of power as Beyonce, so she's like white Beyonce. Beyonce comes around the corner with Tamlin and Lucien and her sisters, Nesta and Elaine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then they're like. And this guy. Jurian.

[B]

Jurian, yes.

[A]

Do you remember Jurian?

[B]

It's. I remember the name.

[A]

Yeah, because you remember it. Hating it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Jurian was a human from the before war that was brought back to life, who is crazy now. Okay, so they all get attacked by all these different people. And then the king takes her human sisters, Nesta and Elaine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And pushes them into the cauldron.

[B]

All right?

[A]

And everybody freaks out. And then the cauldron spits out to New High Fae, which was proof that, look, we can do this. And then Feyre acts like, oh, no, you broke the bond. Look, I'm free of the curse of Rhysand. And everyone's like, what the fuck's going on? And then Rhysand gets out of there with everybody who's injured, plus her sisters, and they all go back to the night court. Okay, so they're back at the Night Court. And then she goes back to the land. Feyre goes back with Tamlin to the April land. To the April 25th Spring Court.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she's back there. But the very end of that book, we find out a big secret.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which is before they went on this final mission, how long did this take me? It was nearly 15 minutes to explain you two fucking books. Right before she walks into the hall, she goes, I'm not going there as Feyre this time. I'm going there as the high lady of the Night Court because she got secretly married to Rice and she had a glamour on the entire time and she still has tattoos. She's not putting makeup on them and all this different stuff. And she's there to plot her revenge. So book two ends with, like, we're in our lowest place, but I have a plan.

[B]

Okay. I don't really trust her plan because she's young.

[A]

She is.

[B]

I think I recall thinking that she didn't think a lot of things through.

[A]

We went through this a lot during book two. She is 20. We kept like. We kind of glossed over it a lot in the book one because we're just kind of like poor peasant girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then she got to a certain point where, like, you shouldn't be this dumb anymore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we're like, oh, but you're still a child.

[B]

I remember being like, you're a 20 year old child.

[A]

You're a 20 year old child.

[B]

For me to believe that you are able to come up with these type of plans.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. So now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you feel caught up?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Do you feel like you have a strong enough backstory?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. And that was really more for you than the listeners. For anybody else. If you want to get in detail for all of these things I just went through again, go to our YouTube page and you can see right on there. I'll have a playlist listed. It'll be Acotar trilogy. Okay. Now we're going to start with. We're in a prologue.

[B]

Oh, my God, I love a prologue.

[A]

It's from Rice and perspective.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Okay. And it's 502 years ago.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I know, because. Fuck you. Why? Just a completely unnecessary chapter. It's just him walking across a battlefield, like, just surrounded with dead people. And this was from the war before the wall went up that split the human and fairy worlds apart. And he's just walking across this thing and he's looking for his dead friend. Not his dead friend. He's looking for Cassian, the general okay. He's like, where's my buddy? Where's my buddy? And it's really just there just to kind of set up, like, hey, war bad. Just to remind you, like, war is bad. And everybody has. Everybody has feelings about going through this thing that they thought they defeated again.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Everybody has feelings about going through the thing they thought they defeated again.

[B]

Yeah, we all have feelings about.

[A]

Everybody has feelings. Okay, you got it. You get where I'm going with this? Okay, cool. It's a metaphor. Anyway, that's the end of the prologue because it's like, three unnecessary fucking pages. So we're gonna open with part one. This book is separated into three parts.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Part one is called Princess of Carry On.

[B]

Oh, the Princess of Carrion. Yep, that's me. Because I hate checking my luggage.

[A]

No, no, no. Carry On. Like, you know, like. Like, carry on birds. Like. Like the vulture peeking at the dead carcasses on the side of the road. And then RFK Jr pulls up and scoops him up, Puts his vein. I did heroin and now I can read books. That's a real quote he has. We're in hell. Okay, so Princess of Carrion, we open with Feyre is sitting inside of the manor, and she's painting a picture of flowers.

[B]

Oh, right. She loves painting.

[A]

Yeah, she loves painting. I know. Oh, I love already seeing it come together and you're already getting mad. She's using again. She's using some glamour to hide her special tattoos.

[B]

I am obsessed. Obsessed that she's hiding her tattoos with glamour. She's Everybody going home for Thanksgiving right now.

[A]

100.

[B]

She's getting that good KVD tattoo cover foundation from Sephora.

[A]

Now Ianthe shows up, and Ianthe, the priestess, who's, like, blonde and, like, a total bitch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She shows up and she's the one that, like, even. Even Feyre and like, all the other books was like, why didn't you just fucking marry? Why didn't Stanley marry you? Like, yeah, you're clearly super into him, and he loves, like, hierarchical structures. Like a bitch.

[B]

Oh, like the blonde lady and the nanny.

[A]

Yes, 100%. She's the blonde lady and the nanny. Yes. And Feyre. No, Feyre's not Fran Drescher. Fran Drescher would never.

[B]

Fran Drescher would.

[A]

No, because Fran Drescher has.

[B]

She was a working woman with common sense who saw an opportunity.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Literally knocking on the door, and she said, yeah, I'll be a nanny.

[A]

So Ianthe basically gaslights her about why she betrayed them to the King of Hybern.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Remember, Hybern, by the way, is Ireland. Just to remind everybody, Hybern is straight up Ireland. This is a story of the Irish invading England. Because Sarah J. Maas has everything backwards, okay? So it would make more sense if the wall was between Northern Ireland and Southern. You know what? Fucking. I'm sorry. I'm in hell. Now. She. They go through, like, they have this conversation, and she's like, no, listen. Like, I did it because I wanted to cover the un. The unspoken thing that you really wanted, which is, like, you didn't want your sister to stay human because you're gonna live. You're immortal as a fairy, and you're gonna live for, like, a super long life. And your sisters would die in, like, 60 years or something.

[B]

Her sisters that she didn't like.

[A]

So I. I made sure that they're immortal like you, too, now, and that by betraying you, I actually saved you. And then. Then she leaves because she's like, what a. And then Lucian comes in. Remember Lucian? He has red hair and a metal eye.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. At the end of book two, when her younger sister, Elaine. I think she might be the middle sister, but when the Elaine who's the prettiest of them, they make a big deal. She's skinny, pretty.

[B]

Oh, she's that, like, very important these days.

[A]

Yeah. No, but she's. She's like, Skinny's back. I know, but she's like that, like, unhealthy skinny.

[B]

That's perfect.

[A]

Yeah. And she's like that really, like, rail thin. And everyone's like, she's so. Everyone. Everyone's.

[B]

Just picture that guy from that show with a musical show.

[A]

You're like, oh, God.

[B]

What was Galavan?

[A]

Galavan.

[B]

He's like, I like him. I like him thin.

[A]

No, he's not. I like him skinny. I like him on a healthy skinny. Or. He likes them really big. He likes them morbidly. What was that guy? That's fucking Vinny. Vinnie Jones, I think. Yeah. He's like a soccer hooligan. He's a crazy guy.

[B]

I love him.

[A]

He's amazing. I love Galavant. Now, enough about that.

[B]

Back to things you don't like.

[A]

Lucien shows up because he immediately realized when he saw Elain as a fairy that they have a mating bond.

[B]

Right. The dog mating.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, I smelled her, and she's my mate. And then. And it's super weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And we. We touch on it a little bit throughout this book of how weird mating bonds are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because everyone's like, who makes them up? Like, I don't know. It just happens. Like, well, how do you know it's real? Well, I don't know. It could just be a delusion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he, like, shows up and he's like, where? You know, like, Ryson's gonna hurt your sister, and we need to get her back so I can protect her. And she's like, it's fine, Rice, and he's not going to hurt her. You're being weird. And she's like, I also don't trust you because you betrayed me, too. Yeah, because remember, he hunted her down in book two a little bit, too, so there's, like, a whole thing. But she's like, I really liked you in book one, but you were a jerk in book two.

[B]

And, like, now you think you're.

[A]

Now you think my. You're my brother in law. Like, it's weird. Like, it's really weird. So there's that. Tamlin then explains tampon a lot of listeners. I'm. I'm with you now on the tampon thing.

[B]

He's in.

[A]

I'm in.

[B]

It took to book three. Or was it book two, where you were like. Like, it's tampon.

[A]

Book two. We. I knew instantly. I was like, oh, this man's an abusive psycho. But, like, he's in this one. He's just a dildo. Yeah, like, he is just the worst. I mean, he's just. He's given me septic shock. Whoa. Okay, so Tamlin explains that he had to make this bargain with the evil guy, the King of Hybern, by the way. King of Hybern? That's his name. Never get a real name for this dude. The whole book, they're gonna keep calling him the King of Hybern or Hybern or the Forces of Hybern or the Hyberns.

[B]

And, like, his name's, like, Kevin. Yeah, his name's probably just Kevin.

[A]

Probably Kevin. But anyway, Tamlin's like, no, listen, I had to betray you and all of your friends because you left me and Ryson stole you.

[B]

And so, like, only one of those could be true. Yeah, she left. Or she was stolen.

[A]

Well, she. She left because he stole her brain. And that's what rice. And stole her brain.

[B]

Yeah, because wasn't she, like, screaming that she didn't want to get married, and that's why he came and got her?

[A]

Yes. 100. Yes. Yeah, because. Right. Because they have a mind. They have a mind link, and she's not using the mind link right now because she doesn't want anyone to overhear it. So she's being, like, real careful about the mind.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because she still has it. Nobody knows she still has the mind link.

[B]

Yeah, she's using a. What's the text message thing?

[A]

Signal.

[B]

She's using signal.

[A]

She's using signal. So. But he also explains. He's like. And when I made the deal, I made sure that when I made the deal that Hybrn promised he wouldn't hurt any of my Spring court subjects.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

So anyone who is here on April 25, enjoying this lovely 68 degree weather, they won't be hurt by Hybern. And she's just like, yeah, you dumb. Like, he goes back on everything. Like, you're dumb. Yeah, you just. Okay, sure. Enjoy your tariffs, motherfucker. Like, she just kind of like sitting.

[B]

There just like, mm, oh, we're special. We won't get him.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, it's real different. You're playing him. So then the next day, Jurian shows up.

[B]

Jurian?

[A]

Jurian's the human?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was the eyeball in Amarantha's ring that they brought back to life because she tortured him for 500 years in a ring.

[B]

And he's. How's he doing?

[A]

He was crazy, but he seems less.

[B]

Crazy because he lives inside of a ring.

[A]

Because his. It was just his eyeball. Yeah, just his one eye.

[B]

I'm going to say something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Out of the gate. And I don't know how to put this. How many tropes did Sarah J. Maas steal from Harry Potter?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because when I think of the eye ring, when I think of the Horcruxes, when I think of it, I'm just like. Are we just Harry Potter?

[A]

No. So. So to be fair, I want to be completely fair. Harry Potter also stole those from everybody else. Okay, so, like. Like, it's not original in fantasy for any of, like. Yeah, there's very little original things. Yeah, we're just much like cooking. Yeah, much like cooking. You're just taking some ingredients from this thing. Taking some ingredients from this thing. And if you're.

[B]

We're making fusion, baby.

[A]

We're making fusion.

[B]

Okay. All right, back in.

[A]

We're making some fairy fusion.

[B]

So the eyeball ring.

[A]

The eyeball ring guy shows up and he is like. He's. He shows up with two Hybern commanders.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Now these are weird, creepy twins. Oh, no name Prince Dag Dan and Princess Branagh.

[B]

Oh, it's a boy. Girl, twin.

[A]

Yeah, that's the worst type of twin, especially in fantasy. They're always creepy. Yeah.

[B]

They're always like holding hands.

[A]

Yes. For the listeners. Legend of Korra season one. This. They're that level of twins.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where they have their. And they even point out they're mind reading freaks. And so like, not only do they have a sweet secret twin language, they just look at each other sometime and you can tell they're talking.

[B]

No, that's the worst kind of thing I know.

[A]

And they sleep in the same room.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, they make a big deal about how that we don't need two rooms.

[B]

Okay, you don't if you say that. I mean, my skin crawl just hearing that.

[A]

Yeah. And don't worry. Don't worry. They make it very overt later. No, so because she's not original. Sarah J. Maas is not original in anything. She just is like, they're twins and. Yeah, they do it.

[B]

Spoiler alert.

[A]

Yeah, no, we don't think about that one. Anyway, so where was I? Okay. I should have made this bigger font. Now Jurian explains that turning Feyre's sisters into fairies drained the cauldron. Oh, it only. It's a one pump chump when it comes to making big spells like this.

[B]

Well, no, it's like a hot water heater. You know, you take a big long shower.

[A]

It's gotta refill.

[B]

Now we gotta wait.

[A]

Yeah. You did the dishes too. You're a fool.

[B]

You did the laundry, the dishes, and washed the baby. Yeah, nobody's showering tonight.

[A]

Yeah, you're taking a shower in the morning. So that's basically what happened with the cauldron. And so they were like. Because it's weak, they can't just pull down the wall right now, but they want to go poke at the wall for some weak points and maybe they'll take the cauldron to the wall and just shove it in one of the holes and then expand the hole till it breaks. Okay, that's like their idea right now.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And. And so, like, Feyre convinces them that she needs to go too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And because Tamlin's like not letting her leave the house again, he's being really fucking controlling and like things. But also he's also running around doing a bunch of different shit. So she. So eventually Jurian, Lucian Feyre and the freak twins, they go to the wall and to check it out. Now they do this three times. And each time is because of course, you know, rule of threes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And each time, like, you learn a little bit more about the wall, about the Wall, but also about just everything else that's going on. Jurian explains that he fought during the. In the. In the pre war, the prequel war.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

500 years ago. Ryson and Jurian fought alongside each other and. But one of the things that happened is like there was this whole thing about there's this lady named Miriam.

[B]

Miriam.

[A]

And Jurian was like in love with her. And I guess like it didn't work out. I can't remember correctly, like that well, but basically like Jurian feels like Miriam betrayed him for this guy named Prince Drakon.

[B]

Prince Drakon?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. D R A K O N Dracon.

[B]

Oh, like Drake.

[A]

Yeah, like Drake. Except hold on. She's clearly 19 because every woman in fiction, fantasy fiction is 19 or 20.

[B]

They're like just over the line.

[A]

But never, never old enough to.

[B]

Actually, I still don't have that frontal lobe development.

[A]

Excuse me. Thanks to Obamacare, I'm still on my parents insurance that level until I'm 26, until next year. So I gotta stop sprinkling those in, huh?

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

I really do. So anyway, Rhysand, there was a whole thing in there and like he's like, where's Miriam? And she's like, I don't fucking know where Miriam is. Because like Miriam, quote unquote, Miriam is.

[B]

Such an older lady name that it's like impossible to picture a younger like hot woman who he's in love with named Miriam.

[A]

I pictured it as kind of green.

[B]

Also thinking a picture of a baby. Like a little baby. And you're like, we're going to name her Miriam.

[A]

Yeah, Somebody's going to get in our comments. I have to be like, fuck you for making fun of my kid. But anyway, Miriam and Dracon, they left at the end of the war and they. Nobody's heard from them since. And there's like a big deal about that. And Jerry is like, I still want to get my girl. And he's like, he, he makes it pretty clear that the king of hybrids like letting him have a little bit more leash so he can go hunt them because they are still also a threat.

[B]

So he wants to hunt them even though he allegedly loves one of them.

[A]

Well, because it's ex. He loves them like an ex. Yeah, he loves them like a nice guy.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Okay. Because there's a lot of sexual violence in this book. It's just. There's a lot of undertones that just really sucks, Sarah. Okay, so I don't know what you're.

[B]

Saying that you love this Book series.

[A]

Feyre lies and says that she knows for a fact that Miriam is dead. Okay, now that's a lie. Because in the last book, Rhysand was like, yeah, she's alive. I totally went to go visit them a while back.

[B]

He's like, they're great.

[A]

No, he did. He's like, I went to their island for, like, a couple years because, again, they're all long. They all live forever. And they basically live in, like, Greece.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's like they're. They're her weird.

[B]

Like, Santorini.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Having a good time.

[A]

But they. People went back to where they were. It's an island called Kretia lake.

[B]

Crete.

[A]

Yes. 100% Crete. Yes. God damn it. Don't be upset at me. This island is clearly Greece. But they went back to it. They're like, oh, it's just ruins there now. Like, I don't know where they went. They must have left.

[B]

No. Meanwhile, they're on the beach eating a grilled feta salad with fresh fish.

[A]

Yeah. 100%. No waiter ever checking on them again.

[B]

I don't know why we paid for any.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

We should just laugh.

[A]

What were they going to do? Jurian tells Feyre that he knows Miriam isn't dead because he tried to resurrect her using the cauldron, and nothing came out. And the only way that would happen is if she wasn't dead.

[B]

That's. Bro, you just admitted you tried to resurrect the lady.

[A]

Yeah, he did, because he's fucking lunatic.

[B]

He's a lunatic.

[A]

Okay, so Feyre and Lucian, they talk, they have more exposition, and then eventually they all end up back at dinner. And Feyre, straight up is like, you know what? These twins, they fucking. And it's just gross. It's like she has like a whole long thought. Like, these twins are fucking Feyre, who.

[B]

I picture almost like she's like homeschooled girl. Like a golden retriever girl who, like, it's just like, oh, a squirrel. Oh, this. And, like, not really paying attention to a lot for her to be like, wait a minute, guys.

[A]

Yeah. No, no.

[B]

Because, like, they're making out also.

[A]

Because they also have mind reader powers and they try to get in her head.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she, like, uses the defenses that Ryson taught her to be like, no. And, like, grabs her little mind hands and, like, twists it. Like, fuck you. All right, so, like, there's a lot of that happening. Feyre eventually, like, the dinner ends and then she. Remember Alice? Alice is the maid.

[B]

Oh, okay. Remember like in the Brady Bunch.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. It's a hundred. This is spelled A, L, I, S. Because she's a fairy or a Mormon. Jesus Christ. Anyway, Alice tells Feyre that she. Alice lied to Tamlin in book two, okay. When Feyre screamed for help and Morrigan showed up and, like, helped her leave the Night Court. Leave to go to the Night Court?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There. Alice lied and said that Morrigan showed up and kidnapped her against her will.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But she was like, I was there. She's like, I saw your shit. Like, I saw you just straight up being like, I need to get out of here. And on top of that, you melted your wedding ring. And she's like, I found the melted wedding ring and I threw it out.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

She's like, I. I protected your ass. And I know that you came back here under false pretenses, but I ain't saying shit.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

She straight up looks at her. It's like. It's like one of the scenes from, like, that movie to help. She's like, I'm not saying shit.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

She's like, but whatever you're gonna fucking do, leave my fucking nephews out of this shit. Yeah, because remember in book one, she made this big deal, but she has these hidden nephews that she's been protecting. It was like, her sister's kids or whatever.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

But she makes, like, a big deal about it.

[B]

I think that Alice now feels to me like the. The staff from the Downton Abbey.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, she's just like, no, I know all of your secrets.

[A]

Yeah, I know everything. Yeah, I know everything. I know everything. Don't fuck it up.

[B]

Don't fuck with me.

[A]

Yeah. So now, the next day, I would.

[B]

Read a book about Alice.

[A]

I would, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Honestly, I'd rather hear about her.

[B]

I think Alice would be an incredible.

[A]

Book because here's the thing. Feyre. Do you know that song look what made. Look what you made me do by Taylor Swift?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Look what made you made me do this whole section of the book. Is that coded?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because it's very much. You should be like, oh, look, he thought I was gonna use a salad fork, but instead I gave him the fucking shrimp fork. It's very much like her. She. From this moment forward, she's playing games with the court and trying to twinge. She's doing that thing where you tap on somebody's right shoulder, but you're on their left. And then they look. And then they're, like, just slightly inconveniencing everybody. Slightly inconveniencing everybody. Just enough to drive them all against each other.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And this is. Then we're gonna start doing that now. Okay. So Ianthe, remember Yante, that pop quiz. Who's the anthe white?

[B]

Beyonce.

[A]

Okay. But after that joke, what's her role?

[B]

That I don't know.

[A]

She's the priestess.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

She's the blonde priestess.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's the summer solstice and the spring car.

[B]

The time for that horny party again.

[A]

Yes. But they make a big deal about how the Tamlin's not doing in this year. Lucian did it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Somebody else is hosting.

[A]

And then. But fair enough. Somebody point out, like, why didn't he make it? Why do you make Lucian do it last time?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, he made this whole thing. But I can't not fuck somebody. I think apparently you can apparently be, like, you be the guy who can't not fuck somebody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Lucian. Lucian was basically assaulted by Yante during that. Anyway. Yeah. There's a lot about how Ianthe is a predator.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Towards men. And, like, how often. Because she went after Rice, and at one point, she went after Tamlin a bunch of times. Like, Lucian, she's, like, abused these guys, and she's very much being like, what? Men can't say no. Like, it's very much like that. He's, like, written into the underscore of it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which feels really gross. Anyway, so they had. She makes everybody. Makes everybody wake up super early. And not. Not for brunch, bro. They got to go to church. No, they go. And they have to stand on this hill in front of an altar with everybody else as she prays to the sun for the summer solstice. But the thing is, is, like, she's trying to become friends with Feyre again. So she let Feyre help plan it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so Feyre was part of the plans.

[B]

The planning committee.

[A]

The planning committee. And Feyre knew that Ianthe placed a stone in a location kind of like as, like, stage tape.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

To, like, oh, this is where I need to stand. So when the sun rises, the first light beam will hit me.

[B]

Yeah. Nice.

[A]

And she went. And she moved the stone six inches.

[B]

To the left, honestly. Okay.

[A]

And so when the sun came over.

[B]

So her selfie wasn't as good.

[A]

It wasn't as good. Not only was it not as good, the light beam hit Feyre. Yeah. And then Pharaoh's, like, threw a little extra glamour on there that no one knows that she can do. And she made herself shine even more. And so all of the people knelt to Feyre because they were like, oh, my God. She is the Blessed. Feyre is the blessed.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you feel me?

[B]

Put on some glitter highlighter.

[A]

Yeah, she did. She. A hundred percent. And that made everybody. Everybody mad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. That night. That night, Feyre has a nightmare.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And she wakes up and she crosses the hallway to Lucian's room because she needs. She just needs somebody to console her.

[B]

Red haired glass eye Lucian.

[A]

Yes. So she goes to Lucian. And now Lucian's room is right across the hall from Feyre's room. She and Tamlin aren't staying in the same room right now because she's married to someone else. But also, in. In Tamlin's mind, she needs. She needs space. Just. She's still getting over all the things that happened to her.

[B]

Right. Okay.

[A]

And so she's playing him on that. And then, like, Tamlin also, like, keeps turning into a dog and, like, sitting in front of doors and like that. Like, he's weird. And. But she can't go to her old room because when she left in book two, Tamlin punched out all of the drywall. He just. White guy just beat up. I gotta beat up objects. Okay, Josh, I gotta beat up some objects.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And so that's what he did. He ran around, beat it. He punched holes and all that. And then didn't fix it. He has magic. He just fixed it.

[B]

What is a castle made of drywall at this point?

[A]

You know what? I don't know. It might be the wood, but I'm just telling you in the metaphor I'm using, it's basically. It's funnier if it's drywall. So. So they moved her room across from Lucia.

[B]

I like that. They didn't fix it. They just.

[A]

They just moved. They just did another room. They have magic that works out. They have magic and servants and infinite money.

[B]

And they were like, nah, you know what? Nah.

[A]

She's been home for like a month. Like, this could have already been done.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, so she runs across the hall to Lucian and she. Like, I had such a nightmare. Can you hold me? And she reaches and she holds. Oh, Lucian. I just. I don't feel safe. And then Tamlin walks in because she left the door open just a crack. Just a crack.

[B]

Dog came sniffing.

[A]

And then Tamlin's like, what's going on? And he looks and he sees Feyre in Lucien's arms late at night. And Feyre wearing silky lingerie.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And then she's like, I should leave. And Then she walks out. And then she admits she had set it all up. She hadn't had a nightmare. This was all her plan. I'm sorry. Because the real Feyre can't come to the phone right now. Why? Because she's dead. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. It's so fucking. It's so. Listen, Listen. I remember as I was reading, and I was like, this. Thinks she touched something.

[B]

Like, that's the whole.

[A]

And I'm just like. And these guys are falling for it. Because this. She is 20.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And all of these. These fairies are, like, a thousand years old. With, like, 14 years of experience. 14 years of interpersonal experience. They all have Arrested Development.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So the next day, Lucia, Feyre, Jurian, and the twins, they head to a different hole in the wall. This is hole two.

[B]

Why are there so many holes in the wall?

[A]

There's three holes.

[B]

It's a terrible wall.

[A]

This is three holes that I don't like saying that I don't like yelling. There's three holes. That feels gross. That feels gross.

[B]

Does that make it feel better?

[A]

Yeah. Three holes. Okay, Now. So Feyre asks Lucien if there's any way for Tamlin to get out of the deal he made with Hybern. And Lucian says, no. The king of Hybern is basically a lawyer. Wrote this bargain real good. No way out. And magic would strike Tamlin dead if he doesn't allow Hybern's armies to march across his lands.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He says it will claim Tamlin's power or his life. And it's like, well, who gives a shit? Favorite. And Lucian finally find the hole, the second hole. Because, like, they know where they are, but they kind of, like, move around a little bit. They find the second hole in the wall, and standing on the other side of it are three children of the Blessed.

[B]

What's that mean?

[A]

Okay, you don't remember them. They're from the very beginning of book one. These are humans who wear cloaks, who walk around, who fucking love fairies. They're like, fairies are the best. We. We. We were better.

[B]

They're cult people. I remember this.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, they're cult people who are super into fairies, even though nobody in the human lands has seen fairies forever. Yeah, these are. They are. And Feyre is like, get the fuck out of here. And then the creepy twin show up, and they're like, hey, no. By the way, they call themselves Children of the Blessed, but they're like. They're. I want to say, between 17 and 20.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like, they're not like little kids, but they are children.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, the creepy twins, like, come over here. We want to be. We want to play with you. But they say it all creepy. They say it all creepy and up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But Feyre enters their mind, which nobody knows that she can do. She enters their mind and she tells the kids to, like, off. Like, she scares them away and the kids run away. And Jurian kind of pulls favor to the side and he's like, thank you for protecting the twins. And then he shares more of his backstory about, like, he's like, Ricin was one of the good ones, basically. Like, he basically is like, I loved Ryson. Like, Ryson was such a g during the war. And like, every. Every other High Lord's a bag of shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But. But that guy. That guy.

[B]

The guy with the bat wings.

[A]

With the bat wings. He's cool as.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, okay, cool. And then they go to sleep. And Lucia and Feyre are still at.

[B]

The hole in the wall.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz it's like at their tent because it takes like, a day to get back, so. And they spent all day, like, looking at the hole. And so they look over in the.

[B]

Tent that has the twins in it rocking.

[A]

Well, they go to sleep, and then they wake up to the smell of blood. And they open their tent and they discover that the twins had gone through the hole, captured the three children of the blessed, dragged them back and tortured them to death outside of their tent.

[B]

And they didn't hear. They didn't wake up.

[A]

I don't know. Like, we're by the campsite, like, oh.

[B]

Wait, I thought they were gonna eat them.

[A]

It doesn't. It doesn't really go into too much graphic detail, but. Which is good. But it's very clear that it's just like, sexual violence.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

It's just the way they keep doing that. It just keeps coming up at a rate that you're just like, okay, Sarah, have you talked to a therapist?

[B]

Oh, God. Okay, so the twins. Creepy twins. Murdered innocent people.

[A]

Yeah. And so there's a whole thing where they get revenge on the twins by siccing like a wild animal on them. It doesn't kill them, but it does chase them around, make them annoyed.

[B]

And so I can't deal with her whole. Her whole, like, plot arc or whatever. It is just like, being like, I'm just slightly annoying. I'm a waiting room, you know, just.

[A]

Feyre is the waiting. Yeah, you're the princess of waiting rooms. Not Princess of Carry on.

[B]

The temperature is just a little too cold in here. Yeah.

[A]

And you know what? We have been going here for a bit, so why don't we take a quick break?

[B]

Okay. Oh, my God. We've been going for a while.

[A]

Yeah, we've been going for a while. I feel like this is going to be a super long episode because I'm not even through part one yet and we're already 40 minutes in. So we're going to take a quick little break and when we come back, I'm going to tell you about how part one ends.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

All right. Right after this. If you have a locked AT&T phone, we're here with bolt cutters. T Mobile will help pay off your locked phone and give you a new 5G phone for free. All on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com carrierfreedom via virtual prepaid MasterCard in 15 days. Free phone up to $830 via 24 monthly bill credits plus tax and a $10 device connection charge. Qualifying port and trade and service on Go5G next. And credit required. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreements. Deal credits and if you pay off devices early. If you're popping the question this holiday season, you want to do it right. Blue Nile has you covered with gorgeous engagement rings. They're the original online jeweler since 1999. On bluenile.com you can create a big brilliant piece at a price you seriously won't find anywhere else. Blue Nile even offers a diamond price guarantee, which means that in most cases, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Get the diamond you want at a price that fits your budget with guaranteed service and repairs for life. You've got nothing to lose, even if your partner says no. Blue nile has a 30 day return policy. So just your ego gets hurt, not your pocket. Right now go to bluenile.com and use code tabs for $50 off your purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code tabs. Tabs@bluenile blue nile.com code tabs sexy fairies with big bat wings. Please carry me away. And we're back. Okay, now. Okay, so the freak twins killed humans.

[B]

Killed humans.

[A]

Feyre got a little bit of light retribution against them. You actually don't even like read it like you're told about it off camera.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like it's like they cut and tams. You shouldn't have done that. And it's like, I would have been better to hear, like, them do that because there's so many unnecessary chapters in this book. I'm like, at least put that in. That would have been interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it's this creature called, like, the Boog.

[B]

The Boog.

[A]

The Boog. And it's like, it's mentioned and described in prior books, and I don't really quite remember it, but it's just like a big, scary, like, booger forest monster. Oh, okay. But anyway, they had, like. It's just like picturing two weird incest twins who I picture wearing, like, all black.

[B]

Oh. I was picturing them in, like, light gold cloaks, very blonde hair.

[A]

No, because, like, the evil people in this book are, like, evil, evil.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So it's all very much like, they're like, oh, yeah, we all wear, like, black, even though, like, the good guy actually also wears black leather. But they wear, like freaks. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they have, like, spiky hair. In my head, they like spiky hair. And, like, their head. Their faces are a little bit too round.

[B]

This is so specific.

[A]

I don't know. I have, like, a very picture of, like, a really shitty. Honestly, out of anything. The freak twins, they're done in AI. They have that uncanny valley AI feature in my head. Does that make sense? Okay, so Tamlin and Feyre have a huge argument about this because Tamlin's like, you undercut me by getting retribution yourself on the fucking twins.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's gonna fuck up my shit with Hybern. And Feyre's like, they're murderers.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

And he's like, yeah, but they killed humans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, bitch, I was a human. He's like, yeah, but you're different. And she's like. He's like, you're one of the good ones. And she's like, whoa, what the fuck? And they go back and forth a little bit, and then finally, Tamlin, just, like a white guy in the suburbs, he just explodes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, like, literally, when Tamlin's rage explodes, like, he actually explodes, like, this huge, like, wind explosion comes out and, like, blows everything up. The last time he did this, she threw up a shield at the last minute because fairies can create, like, magic bubbles around themselves. But she knew he would blow up.

[B]

Yeah, because she's been poking him.

[A]

She's been poking him. And so she didn't throw up a shield on purpose.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so the blast hits her, throws her against the wall. She's like, a cut on her cheek. But this happens directly in front of Tamlin's guards who are extremely loyal to him. Like, these are, like his Praetorian guards. These are his boys. Remember the wolf that she killed in book one? That was one of his guards. He had to send one of his guards every year to the human lands to, like, be murdered to find the woman who would break the curse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so his guards, like, we sacrificed ourselves one by one to go find this lady. Now you're beating her up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so, like, she does that completely. And it's like, it's starting to split the guards. The guards, like, that's up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't sign up to be protecting a woman beater. You know what I mean? Now, that night, a thing happens where there are these creatures called Nagas. N, A G, A. Okay. Mm N, Not M. Yep. Okay. So a bunch of Nagas get into. I know it's difficult to say. How about this? Swamp creatures?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Is that better?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So these weird swamp creatures get into the estate. And, like, it's a whole thing because, like, the keys were left in the gate and, like, and something happened. But Ayante wakes up, she has a vision.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

And the vision told her that something bad was gonna happen. She's able to, like, raise the alarm and they're able to kill these monsters before anything bad happens.

[B]

So the. The thing on her phone with the NEST camera out front.

[A]

Yeah, the motion. Yeah, the motion. The motion detector went off in her dreams. But what really had happened was Ianthe stole the keys from a guard that she had knocked out.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then the guard got the blame. And then Tamlin whips the guard. And again, this is more of a wedge between Tamlin and his guards to, like, you're gonna listen to this hoe over your bros and it becomes a whole thing, right? Because these are the guards, the guards. Like, yo, we guards bros for life. And he's like, you up, though. And so again, they're like.

[B]

Also, like, if you were talking about, like, you messed up with a key, like, you just write them up. You don't beat him up.

[A]

No. He whips the shit out of. Literally whips them. Alice, the maid, at this point is like, turns to Feyre that night after all this, and she. Or maybe that's that morning. I can't remember when. But she's like, hey, just, you know, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I'm taking my boys.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

She's like, yo, this place is fucked.

[B]

Yeah, I get This I get Alice.

[A]

I'm. I'm heading to Canada.

[B]

By.

[A]

She's like, I'm going to Canada. Except it's warm there, it's north of here and warmer.

[B]

Makes a lot of sense.

[A]

But yeah, she's like, I'm going to the summer court. And. And. And Feyre's. She's like, yeah, I'm going to summer court. You can always visit me there if you want. And she's like, there's a bounty on my head in the summer court. And she's like, well, I'm there. Well, I won't try to kill you if you visit, but like, someone else might. Fucking. This whole. This whole world's fucked. Idiot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So Alice just leaves. And then the usual gang of Feyre, Lucian Jurian and the freak twins go to wall hole number three.

[B]

Worst crew.

[A]

It's the worst blunt rotation in history.

[B]

Crew of them all.

[A]

Yeah. The worst brunch you've ever imagined. Round three as a server.

[B]

Not. Not that you. With these people.

[A]

So when they get there, they're chit chatting and everyone gets like a little bit looser about like what they're talking about because now it's like their third one.

[B]

That's the third hole they've been the other two. Yeah, the third.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Listen, you're more than acquaintances.

[A]

Listen. When you've already stretched out two holes and you're heading for a bond, you know.

[B]

So anyway, friends.

[A]

She finds out that Hibernia has an army of over 200,000 okay. Troops. And that they have some allies from the continent that are. Are joining in. She also learns the. The. How they're going to use the cauldron.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What I told you earlier about shoving in the wall. And then Feyre goes down like her mental checklist and she's like, got it. I've knocked off everything I wanted to do. I've. I've ruined Tamlin's relationship with his guards. I've. I've told everybody the isn't shit.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I've gotten. I've checked off like, who their allies are in their troop strength. I've gotten basically every piece of information I can get. And she's like, you know what? I'm getting the fuck out of here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm getting out of here.

[B]

And like, you're not getting my third hole. I'm leaving.

[A]

Exactly. And she's a. She gets her bag because she's like, I got stuff in my bag. I got like, enough to like, get me to the night court.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she's getting Ready to leave. And all of a sudden, she hears Lucien yelling not to touch it. And she, like, looks. And she finds Lucien is chained up by Ianthe, who is, like, getting creepy, like, predator on him.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And she's like, what the fuck? And she realizes that Ianthe is using these same magic blue chains that she had seen the king of Hybern people using before.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

That, like, nullifies people's powers. So Feyre enters the ante's mind and she, like, you're gonna let Lucian free now. And, like, Yante can't stop. And she just, like, lets her. Lets him go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then she's like, pick up that stone over there. She picks up a stone. She said, put your hand on that boulder. She puts her hand on the boulder, she starts smashing your hand. So she makes her, like, break her own hand.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

With a rock.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Which is, like, crazy. But also I was like, all right, that's the first, like, non Taylor Swift thing. Like, that's the first, like, you've been sitting, like, dressing up like a snake and being like, I'm a snake in the background. But now I say, you're like, break your own fucking hand, you bitch. I was like, yeah, good.

[B]

I listen to that album.

[A]

Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. You torture that poet. So.

[B]

No.

[A]

And so she's like, who's her biggest enemy?

[B]

It's her.

[A]

Yeah. So, right? So then she's like, lucian, Lucy's like, I'm coming with you. I need to go see Elaine. She's like, you're Elaine? Yeah, Remember the girl?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Why do you think. Oh, you're thinking from Seinfeld.

[B]

No. Because there's just so many crazy names.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, fuck you.

[A]

Fuck you.

[B]

Fuck you.

[A]

Fuck you forever. It's Nesta and Elaine, remember?

[B]

I know. I remember now.

[A]

Okay. Fuck you. You have any idea how many I had to keep straight? Do you have an idea how many of these names get. Are only like one letter different? So. So she's like, okay, I guess you can come. And then, right? Then they get attacked by the freak twins and. Cause the freak twins, secret spies. They tell them, they're like, oh, remember that apple you ate earlier? We put faebane in it.

[B]

Faebane?

[A]

Faebane is some sort of magic plant that grows in Hybern that can nullify a fairy snake power.

[B]

Okay? There's too many obstacles to your power.

[A]

There's so many. It's like they're. And also they're like, oh, yeah, no, my secret, my secret weakness. Bullets. Like, you know what I mean? Like, Jesus Christ.

[B]

Eventually, if the twins gave me an apple, I would not eat it.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So. But inside the apple, they had. They had laced it with Fabian, and they're like, that's gonna. You've been secretly drugged, and this is gonna leave you powerless for days. And we got you. Like, we also caught you. You killed Iont. And Feyre has just enough power left that she and Lucian are able to kill the twins. She like, bam, bam. She does this thing called winnowing, which is like the nightcrawler Bamf. Which. You know what I mean? No, she, like, puffs and then appears somewhere else and then appears somewhere else. So she can do, like, these short range teleports and they don't know she can. Nobody knows she can do this shit. Yeah, Lucian knew, like, a little bit because he saw her do it in book two, but he never brought it up. Like, Lucian goes out of his way to, like, not mention a lot of things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's. What's that thing? A lie of omission.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You hate a lie of hate alive. Yeah. Because you're like, bitch. You know, I wanted that information. You left it out. Oh, so live a mission. They kill the twins.

[B]

Okay. Honestly. Great.

[A]

It's great. It's actually a pretty well written scene.

[B]

Yonce and twins dead.

[A]

No, I. Still alive. She just has smashed hands.

[B]

Okay. I was wondering, because you were saying. Oh, well, she attacked him. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, she smashed it. She had her smash her own hands with a rock.

[B]

Both hands.

[A]

Just one.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She had what? She had to. You can't only smash one.

[B]

I know. That's why I was. I was saying that because I. It's hard enough to paint both your nails.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your hands. Nails.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. So she smashed her own hands with a rock on a thing. And then they. I think that one, Quinn. They decapitate, and the other one, I think they just stab a bunch.

[B]

Okay, guys.

[A]

But now they're out of power.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So they can't teleport.

[B]

So now they're just gonna. They have to walk Vibe out in the woods.

[A]

They have to walk.

[B]

Oh, gross.

[A]

They have to walk like.

[B]

Like the commoners.

[A]

They have to walk the entire breadth of England into Scotland because that is where they have to walk all of England.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because that. Because remember, they're in the Spring court. That's like the south.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That's like the. That's like the Midlands of England. And they got to walk all the way to, like, northern Scotland, because that is Where Rice ended. Okay.

[B]

I mean, what's that walk in the. From the bottom of Jersey to the top of Jersey?

[A]

I mean, it's a little bit longer than that. It's a little longer than that.

[B]

No, I just. I'm kidding. It's very much that American thing of like, where you're like, what? How big could it be?

[A]

No, to be fair, to be fair, there is no drive in England that is anywhere near as long as the drives we've done for commute with that.

[B]

I'm obsessed with when that was going viral on the Internet. For people that don't know. In the middle of the pandemic, there was like people going viral because people from the UK were finding out that people in the US like, have really long commute times for work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or like when they go home to visit, they'll drive like three hours. Or if they're going to like visit someone they love, they'll drive seven hours. Like, it's not a thing in American culture to care about that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But in the uk, like, people will be like, oh, I haven't visited my dad in five years. And they're like, how far away is he? A 45 minute drive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like they, it doesn't comprehend to them that we drive so much.

[A]

The European mind.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cannot comprehend a 22 mile daily commute.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, we both did that.

[A]

Yeah. And the thing is that's a one direction.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One direction, 22 miles, then 22 back.

[B]

22 back in the middle of traffic at the.

[A]

At the worst times of day to do a job. To do. Actually you went further.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You were 35 to do a job. To go. You did an online job, you drove.

[B]

In an Internet job.

[A]

She drove into the city to answer a zoom call.

[B]

I almost flipped the table.

[A]

And so Lucian's like, hey, I'm going to walk with you. I know a shortcut. And she's like, okay. And he's like, you, I'll help you get back, but I want, I want to see Elaine. And he's like, we're going to have to walk, though. And that's the end of part one. That's the end of part one.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

That's. That's the princess of Carry on. So what are your thoughts here on part one?

[B]

A lot. Okay. I was introduced to the twins and now the twins are dead.

[A]

Yeah, the twins, to be fair, they never felt like that flesh out of a character. They were just weird little like, fuck monsters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, oh, No, I hate them.

[B]

Yeah. And. Okay, but now we're walking to night court.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. Yeah. No, I think I'm ready. I think I'm. I got my feet on the ground.

[A]

If you love your phone but not your carrier, just switch to T Mobile. You can keep your phone, keep your number, and we'll help pay it off up to $800 per line. You can also use our savings calculator to compare our plans and streaming benefits against Verizon and AT&T. So switch and keep your phone, keep your number, and keep more of your moolah. @t mobile.com up to 4 lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying, unlock device, credit service provider port in 90 plus days with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card has no cash access and expires in six months. Sexy fairies with big bat wings please carry me away. I'm obsessed every time. But now it's time for part two.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Curse break her.

[B]

I'm excited.

[A]

Okay, good. You should be excited because we're gonna walk a lot now.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

Most of the beginning of Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. It's Feyre and Lucian, he takes her through the autumn court.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where his dad and his brothers reign.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And so he's like, we gotta be real quiet. We gotta be. Take a lot of ducks. But luckily, I grew up here. So you get a little bit about his backstory about how, like, he fell in love with a girl who they didn't accept. Accept. So they murdered her.

[B]

Wait, I'm sorry. They didn't accept her, so they murdered her?

[A]

Yeah, that's just what they do at his place. I mean, the thing is, is, like, again, the fairies suck. Like, I can't stress about how, like, fairy culture is bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fairies in general, evil.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's like, you just like, hey, you're.

[B]

Not allowed to get married.

[A]

There's like, three good ones.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Like, there's three good fairies. She just happens to keep meeting those. Yeah, I mean, there's more than that. But, like, the high lords, especially, they're all fucking crazy. Yeah, of course. So they, like, they keep take. They take this cave passage to the Autumn Court, which gets them from spring to autumn, and then they stay, spend a night in a cave, and spring.

[B]

To autumn, they just skip in summer.

[A]

They skip summer because summer is on the right.

[B]

No, no, I'm kidding. It was a joke about how weather works.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, if anything, we got last autumn, so they. They like, so one of the things that he admits, Lucian admits, is that he knew Pharaoh was faking it the whole time.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because he was like, yeah, I didn't say anything because, like, if I had said something, number one, Tamlin wouldn't have believed me, so I wouldn't have mattered.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like a number two. If I had caused any. Any problems with your plans, I would never be able to see Elaine, my mate, again. And so he, like, just didn't say. Yeah, and which was probably a good move. Like, at least in the story is a pretty good move. So they are going back and forth about, like, a bit of different stuff. She's really weirded out because Lucian's, like, already talking about Elaine. Like, they're married. And she's like, this is fucking weird, because they also keep using, by the way, they also keep using males, females and mates at a rate that really fucking grosses me out. Like, they don't say, like, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, guy. No. Gal?

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, any of that stuff. No, it's mate. And so there's very much I like. There's very much a. How can I put this? It's very much like a shifter romance.

[B]

What's a shifter?

[A]

Okay, don't make me do this, but.

[B]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[A]

Okay. So you've never gone down the shifter romance corner of the Internet?

[B]

No.

[A]

People who like to, like a werewolf because they shift into other animals or maybe like a werebear.

[B]

A werebear. Now that sounds cute.

[A]

Or a were dinosaur.

[B]

Do they shift during it? Why would they be attracted to it?

[A]

It's just that we can just give animalistic qualities to things. It's really what it comes down to. It's just like, I really like doggy style. I'm into werewolves.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

That's kind of like how this kind of goes. Okay, but, like, every time she's talking, and by she, I mean Sarah J. Maas. Every time Sarah J. Maas is writing about relationships in this world, it's not about men and women.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is about males and females.

[B]

Yeah. Gross.

[A]

And it's about mates.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And bonds, not relationships.

[B]

The worst guy you know ever is calling a woman a female right now.

[A]

Yeah, it's very foreign. It's Ferengi.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Female.

[B]

No, the Frankies. I actually. I'm just like. Okay. That's how the. Frank.

[A]

They don't allow women to wear clothes.

[B]

Listen. I'm talking about human men that are like, these. These females.

[A]

And you're like, Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. I know how they vote. So now the. So they. They go back and forth. Lucian warns Feyre that his dad. Okay, the High Lord of Autumn. His name's Baron. Or Baron. It doesn't matter. It's with a B. This guy will get mad at her because Baron was one of the high lords that helped her come back. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when they did that, they all. She got a little bit of all their powers.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So she's like the avatar in that way. She has all the powers. Baron's gonna be mad that she took a little bit of his power, and he's gonna want to kill her to get that power back.

[B]

Oh. So this is a very dangerous situation.

[A]

Very dangerous situation for them. So they keep walking through the Autumn Court. He gives more backstory. And then right before they get to the border between the Autumn Court and Winter, okay, Lucian's brothers catch up.

[B]

All right?

[A]

They find them.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And, I don't know, they named all the brothers, but the eldest one, the most important one, his name is Eris.

[B]

Eris.

[A]

E R, I S. Okay. Okay. Now thing is, is Lucian hates him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Feyre hates him, okay? Because Eris was the guy who was betrothed to Morrigan, okay, When Morrigan cheated on him with Cassian.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then they nailed a note to her womb and left her in front of her family.

[B]

I don't remember that.

[A]

Yeah, it happened, okay? They did some sexual violence. And when that happened, huh? That was the whole reason why, like, Morgan isn't accepted by her family anymore. Because they couldn't sell her off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To make a new alliance.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So she's always hated Eris.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's this whole thing. So they show up, and then immediately the brothers are like, ha. The rumor going across all a Prythian is that you cucked Tamlin with Feyre. Lucian, you guys cucked Tamlin, okay? And they're like, no. And then Feyre, like, uses her fire powers in front of them, which is, like, crazy. And she. Cause, like, a little bit of her power is able to come back, and she uses it to collapse a cave as they're finally escaping through this one area, so they're unable to catch up. They finally cross into the Winter Court, and they're crossing, like, a big, frozen lake. And that's when Lucien's brothers, specifically Eris, catch up with them.

[B]

On a lake?

[A]

On a frozen lake.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And these guys, guess what?

[B]

Are they on horses?

[A]

No, they have firepowers, dummy.

[B]

Oh, they're gonna Melt the lake.

[A]

That's 100% what they're doing. But her power's starting to come back.

[B]

Oh. So she uses Novocaine in her mouth is wearing.

[A]

It's starting to wear off. She's getting a little tingly. It's 100 like how it's described, actually. So she's getting a little tingly and she's running. And she's able to, like, refreeze the ice using the Winter Court King High Lord's powers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which guess what? Winter powers. Cold.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I do cold.

[B]

I do cold.

[A]

Yeah. It doesn't. So the part that doesn't make sense to me is, like, summer.

[B]

So the Heat Misers are going against the cold misers.

[A]

Yes, 100%. And so she's, like, refreezing the ice as they're running across it. But, like, enough of it breaks that she's finally able to send a signal down the bond tattoo.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And then out of nowhere, Cassian and Azrael show up. Boom, boom. And they. They do the superhero landing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With their wings. And then they beat off the fucking brothers.

[B]

Beat them off.

[A]

They beat them off.

[B]

I don't think that's what you meant to say.

[A]

I know it's 100. I was gonna say up, but I was like, off is funny. But they like. And then she stands up because now she's like, I'm. We got this. This is awesome. And Feyre reveals that she's like, I am actually not. You know, she's like, I. I didn't cuck Tamlin. I couldn't have, because I've already been. I've been married the whole time. I'm the mate to Rice. And I am actually the High lady of the Night Court. And she lets her. High lady of the Night Court.

[B]

I was thinking the music.

[A]

I know. Oh, what? Which one?

[B]

The Night Court.

[A]

Oh, God. That was too loud. Let me try it again. Ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In three, two, one. I am the High lady of the Night Court.

[B]

So she's ra's. No.

[A]

Now. Okay, everybody calm down. Everybody breathe.

[B]

Too excited.

[A]

We're getting too excited. So they. She tells them that she could kill the brothers, but she has decided in her infinite wisdom to spare them. Oh.

[B]

All right.

[A]

And then the reunited friends, they fly. The crew flies home. Asriel grabs Lucian. Cassian grabs her.

[B]

Bat wings out.

[A]

Bat wings out. And they fly back to Valeris.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is the city of dreams.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

In the Night Court. So they finally make it back to the townhouse. Right. Because remember, that's a townhouse now they call it a townhouse the entire time. I'm gonna tell you, from here on out, I'm calling it a row home. Cause it's funnier because they make a big deal. That was one of the things that they really pushed in the book is all these other guys had these incredible palaces and all this opulence and wealth. And Ryson's just different. He just lives in a little townhouse. He's like the Prime Minister of Britain. He doesn't have a White House. He doesn't have a presidential palace. He just has a little 10 Downing Street. That's where they. Ryson lives in 10 Downing Street. Anyway, I hate it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it's also like clearly like a nine bedroom town. I'm like, this is just like a fucking New York brownstone.

[B]

Brownstone.

[A]

Yeah. But they keep calling it a townhouse. It's like, shut up. You try to make it seem quaint. It has a garden. I'm like, you fucking. What are you talking about? Anyway, they get back there and Ryson and Feyre are reunited. And he just like walks through. He's like, everybody out, Out.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Everybody.

[B]

That makes me nervous because so they see each other and they get right.

[A]

Down to business basically. Yeah. And it's. It's pretty graphic.

[B]

How far into this book are we? Like, like when you were reading it.

[A]

This is probably around like 30%.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And like, there's been times where she's been communicating him every now and then, like just to check if her sisters are safe. But then, like, even though she's in this dangerous situation, he still throws a little double entendre at her every now and then about like, oh, I'll lick you. Like, what the fuck? We also get in, like from here on out. There's an issue I had which is I did not buy a physical copy of this book. I was reading it on digital because I was traveling and I didn't want to have the physical copy to lug around. I didn't realize it at that time that I didn't note, like I said in the last book, of how often they just got to boning.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a lot more. However, let me tell you the differences in the boning between the books. Oh, please tell me book one is all about the edge. Yeah, Book one is very Will they, won't they? Oh, my God, they finally got together. Oh my God, look at this.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

They're having the sex.

[B]

And then book two.

[A]

And book two is mournful for most of it. There's the ptsd, and then it's the Stella got a groove back type of sex.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Book one very much, though, is like the oh, my God, first timer type of sex.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Book two, very much more of the, like, the soup scene's a big deal. And again, there's a lot of flirtatious stuff. There's like, the fingering in the throne and a bunch of other different things that kind of, like, happen. So it's a lot flirtier. Yeah, in a grosser way.

[B]

And then book three.

[A]

Book three is kind of, hey, you got a nut? It's more like we're in a relationship. He clearly needs a nut. And then he'll be like, she seems tense. She needs that nook. But because it only happens for, like, two pages, it's not like a paragraph. You know what I mean? It's like a couple paragraphs here. There's a lot of. And then he put his lips on my mound. Like, shit. Like that gets thrown at you. And so I just didn't make a huge bunch of notes about it. And when I was going back and writing out my book, my book report, I used a sparksnote page, like, as the thing. And they didn't really write down too much of the fucking. So it's like I started going back and I was like, I didn't highlight it. I'm not. This book is 800 pages long. And if I tried to hunt down every. Because she doesn't say dick. She never says once. I think once she says, I grabbed him by the cock, like, once. But every other time, it's all about, like, sheathing his manhood. She turns her core. Turns molten A lot.

[B]

Yeah, a lot of molten cores.

[A]

A lot of molten cores. And you're just like, girl, just say you got wet. Like, no, they can't.

[B]

Absolutely not. Not in this Christian household.

[A]

No, not. And this is the type of book that you need to feel comfortable read. Reading on a train.

[B]

I don't feel comfortable.

[A]

What? What?

[B]

And now. Now I know. So if I see somebody reading book three on a train, I'm gonna be like, hey, you. Hey. Don't make eye contact with me right now.

[A]

Don't make eye. Don't. Don't look up, because I know what you're reading. You're reading about now. So they bone and they're. They're happy about it.

[B]

And then everybody walks back in the room afterwards, like.

[A]

Like, hi, guys. So that was loud.

[B]

Hey, guys. Because I just assumed that they all had to come back in the room after a minute.

[A]

Yeah, kind of. But so. But he uses this much like in Game of Thrones, like the early seasons of Game of Thrones, they use times as exposition dumps as well. So he kind of tells her about, like, what's been going on since she left the Spring Court. And he even tells her, like, hey, all of your plans at the Spring Court work. Like, they're all like, in tatters down there and shit's bad. But he said that he. He got worried because once he couldn't hear in the bond. It freaked him out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you got that. Now he also tells her that his. Her sisters, Nesta and Elaine, they've been sequestered in a place called the House of Wind the entire time. The House of Wind is like this, like, mountaintop kind of palace temple thing they have.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's. But it feels very much like one of those, like, uber rich people houses. You know what I mean? Where it's like you walk in and like. Yes, it's the library. And there's one bookshelf and one chair. Like, it's one of those type of places. Very like, modern. Ish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But also, what's that thing when rich people, like, have less stuff, but the things they have are very expensive?

[B]

Minimalism.

[A]

Minimalism. It's a minimalist house because it worships the wind. Yeah.

[B]

You don't want your. The wind to blow the stuff off your tables.

[A]

Yeah. But remember, there's like, shields and stuff like that that keep it warm up there. It's all magic. So then they like.

[B]

So they've just been vibing out on the top of a wind mountain.

[A]

Yeah, they've just been up there and like, everyone's been kind of leaving them alone. They've been checking in on them, but kind of like leaving them alone because they're also weirded out because, again, remember, these girls were humans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dumped into a cauldron. Yeah, dumped out. And then their sister's boyfriend kidnaps them.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

To unkidnap them and then shoves them in a wind palace.

[B]

Yeah. And then like, dad die.

[A]

No, they just don't know where their dad is. Their dad's just missing this entire time, by the way.

[B]

But he was never like, great.

[A]

So he wasn't really great. He is missing. And they every now and then they're like, oh, yeah, and dad's still missing. Like, they just like, it just kind of pops up. By the way, I always picture their dad as like, is, I think. Was it Beauty and the Beast? Like the fat dad from Beauty and The beast. Yeah, I'm just kind of like balding with a mustache and kind of like roly poly fat. Yeah, like German fat. You know what I mean? Like, there's like a very specific, like, German folk tale.

[B]

Yeah, folk tale.

[A]

Yeah. The mayor of Munchkinland. That's what I picture him looking like.

[B]

Yes. Also, this is also an ad for Wicked. Wicked. Wicked.

[A]

Are you holding space for defying gravity?

[B]

Hey, it's Wicked. Have you gotten a Wicked ad in the last five minutes?

[A]

Wicked. We're gonna tell you the whole story of the pre times of the Prince of Oz, Part one. I lost my mind when I found out it's a two part movie. I fucking. I was like, I can't go through.

[B]

Another media blitz for a part two. No, it's impossible.

[A]

I'm so.

[B]

What marriage is Ariana gonna destroy?

[A]

Can I tell you? I am so tired of unnecessary part twos. As I'm looking at this and realizing we're gonna have to do a part two. This is gonna be a two part episode. So exposition. Exposition. Exposition. Lucien and Rice, when you say exposition.

[B]

You'Re not saying that mean they're just fucking, right?

[A]

No, no, I'm not. They're actually like, there's. There's just a lot of, like, there's so much extra shit that goes on that I'm just like. And a lot of it too is like, oh, well, let's talk about how they feel about learning about this. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about their feelings. Lucian is like, I want to see Elaine. And Rycin's like, yo, shut the fuck up. And so Ryson, like, basically just threatens Lucian. And then they explained to Lucian like, hey, just so you know, like, you've been a bad guy the whole time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Lucian's like, I didn't realize that I was the villain in your narrative.

[B]

Oh, God, Lucian. I was like, he has such fucking nice guy energy.

[A]

I know. And he definitely, like, is weaponizing. He's weaponizing therapy talk. Yeah, 100. But anyway, they basically, this is that moment. You're like, oh, they need to rehabilitate someone from book one. Yeah, that's what this is. Like, he's on his rehabilitation arc now because he begs to be like, I want to see Elaine. And she's like, no.

[B]

She's like, hey, it's weird that you met my little sister for one minute and now you've been obsessing about her for the rest of these books. That's weird behavior, my dude.

[A]

Yeah. And he's like, I'm sorry that you've.

[B]

Crafted this narrative about me.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I guess that's how you guys talk in the night court now. She tells him basically to take a walk. She's like, lucian, go check out Valeris. Because that's the other thing too, is he's weirded out because he can't again. Remember, one of the big parts of book two was about how everyone thought this land was evil. And then there's this secret city.

[B]

It's actually Gorgina.

[A]

It's Gorgina. And it's like Venice meets Edinburgh. Like, it's crazy and it's amazing. And so he goes around, it's like, oh, my God. This place is actually really cool. This is a lot nicer than the fucking Spring court where we literally have one building and a bunch of burned out villages. So she goes to go visit her sisters finally. And Nesta. Nesta.

[B]

Nesta.

[A]

Total bitch, but rightfully so.

[B]

I mean, yes, she's been trapped.

[A]

I just want to say that. No, but not only that. Like, she was, like, ripped out of her home and then made into a fairy.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And it's crazy. So Nesta's just like you. She's like shows up. She's like, yo, this bitch. Where you been?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hiding out with your ex. Like, she's very like, it's, It's. It's good. I enjoyed it. I will say I like Nesta.

[B]

Yeah. Team Nesta.

[A]

Elaine is a broken, sad girl who needs a well. She needs to be leaning on a well and just staring into it. Yeah. She won't stop crying. She's refusing food. And she keeps bringing up the fact that she was supposed to be getting married soon to a human lord who's super racist at fairies.

[B]

Okay. Well, babes.

[A]

Yeah. And she won't take off her engagement ring, which is iron, which the humans believe can kill fairies. It can't.

[B]

It can't kill them.

[A]

But she keeps just like kind of spinning that. And Feyre notices that Cassian is like, clearly is making me eyes at Nesta. Oh, the General Cassian. He's like that. He's like, she got fiery. It's. You know what it is?

[B]

It's the guy from Game of Thrones.

[A]

Yeah. It's the guy from Game of Thrones. And Brianna Tarth. He's just like, ah, where's the big girl? I like to go. She got fiery energy.

[B]

We make big children.

[A]

Yeah. We make large children.

[B]

Large babies.

[A]

Yeah. And the thing is this. Feyre just like, looks at that and that she. That doesn't bother her at all? No, she's just like, noted, I'm gonna play matchmaker. And this is basically from here on out, Feyre's just like. Feyre, again, is the homeschool girl who did. Never could afford dolls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she's trying to, like, take and now kiss. That's what she wants to do Again, another conversation. We already covered the Lucian thing. I actually skipped it earlier than that. But anyway, then they go see Amren.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right. Because she tells Lucian. She's like, go off and go walk around town. Takes a walk around town. So then everybody goes to see Amren. Now, Amren, do you remember who that is? No, I told you two hours ago.

[B]

Yeah, I know. And I don't remember.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I. I'm betting that if a listener who is also listening to this episode, maybe they don't remember. So just quickly refresh us.

[A]

Amren is the Eldritch horror that lives inside of a little old lady.

[B]

Right. Okay, got it.

[A]

Who's super cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You loved her when I explained her last time. And honestly, she's a pretty cool. She's pretty cool. She explains about. In the last one. Remember they had an evil talking book.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And they had to put them together where they're like, don't put them together. But then they put them together and then everything went sideways. She's like, the book's been talking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then there's more exposition, and they kind of have like, a little. The crew has like, a war council where they explain the size of Hybern's forces, how they would love it if they could find Drake on and Miriam, and then if they could bring them in their forces, but nobody knows where the fuck they are. Like, we sent people to go look at Kritia, and there's nothing there. It's just some ruins. And then they come up with their plans, and their plans are to. To unite the seven High lords against High Burn and put together a big, massive army.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ryson says that he believes that the people of Hybern, which is Ireland, will turn against their evil king. Because he's been over there and he's seen it, and he's like, everything there sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And more points out more. Again, it's like, no, they won't turn against their king because the people of Hybern thinks everything sucks because we made them get rid of their slaves. Oh, and I disassociated a little bit with that.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, on the nose on that. One. Huh. So all the people in that area think that everything wrong in the world is because they had to get rid of their free.

[A]

Yeah, they were like, you know what? Honestly, I feel like. I feel like everything in Hybern would be a better. We could make Hybern great again if we got rid of all this dei.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. All right.

[A]

Yeah. So Amren says, hey, I got a plan. We can try and repair and close the holes in the wall.

[B]

Three holes.

[A]

We can go. We can. We can make those three holes tight again.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

We're going to tighten them up. We're going to give them a little rejuvenation spell. Sur. All right. But she notes that the cauldron must be missing something if they need to use the holes to break the wall.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're like a cauldron. Should be able to knock this fucker out from just over there. It shouldn't have to touch the wall to do it. And. And Feyre and Amren then get into an argument because Amren's like, hey, listen, you and your sisters and me, we were all, quote, made by the cauldron.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so, like, we are all made people. We're not of this world in the same way. We weren't born of the dirt. We're special. She's like, your sisters could help me with, like, the spells and such.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you could help me. And Feyre says, like, they have an argument about it. She's like, my sister's been through enough. And then finally they land on. Feyre says, like, okay, fine, Fine. My sisters can help, but they have to choose to help.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It has to be 100 free will on that. I'm not forcing them to do anything because they got forced into the cauldron because of my existence.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, so she's taking a lot. Again, a lot of survivors guilt in there. So then Rice says, Ryson says, listen, we have to go back to the Court of Nightmares. Oh, do you remember what that is?

[B]

Bottom cave one.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's in what's called the Hun City. It's like a city that's cut into a. Into a mountain.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they have to ask Morrigan's father, Kier, for help.

[B]

Kier.

[A]

Kier. K E I R. Now, I was giggling this entire time because between me reading the first book or the second book, and now the Labour Party has won elections in England.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And their prime minister is now a guy named Keir Starmer.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So the whole time I'm just Picturing Keir Starmer as, like, her shitty dad because there's some dumb rule they have there. Because the, the Court of Nightmares in the Hewn City is like its own thing. They have autonomy between them and the High Lord of the Night Court. Now the. The reason is he needs to go speak to them is they have a type of soldier there called a Darkbringer. Oh, so this is just like some sort of like, special foot troop that, like, they have. And he's like, we need every soldier we can get, so we have to go there and we need to ask for his help. I can't just command it.

[B]

So to get these extra guards to get the.

[A]

Not guards, like actual troops, just regular soldiers. And like, okay. And then Feyre's like, hey, just so you know, I figured out how to grow wings. And everyone's like, what? And she's like, she goes. Because again, she has shape shifting powers from Tamblyn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's like, I've been working on it. And then she like throws out. She's like, I got bat wings now too. She said, but I don't know how to use them. And so they kind of argue over who's gonna train them, and they eventually choose Azra. The Burned Shadow Singer guy. Remember, he's covered in burns.

[B]

How to train your dragon.

[A]

Yeah. And the reason why is because everyone else who has wings learns how to fly as a baby.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, no, no, I had to learn to fly as an adult and it's different. And I started thinking about you.

[B]

I was about to say that's.

[A]

This is you with your driver's license because you didn't get it until your 30s, which is very different than getting it when you're 16, because you have been in car accidents and you've seen what, what cars can do. And so the terror is different.

[B]

Listen, I cannot, I cannot explain to the people that learn how to drive when they're 16. When you're driving down a two lane road where each car is going the opposite direction, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're driving and another car is coming in the opposite direction, and there's only this thin little yellow line between you, and you're what, going like 40 miles per hour at each. You're going towards each other. It is so hard to get used to. And like a 16 year old's brain that's not fully developed and doesn't have any fear is like, yeah, sure, okay. And y'all got used to it. Y'all built up your immunities against how terrifying a two way street is a two way road. And I didn't have that when I was 34 years old. And I was like, y'all, this is crazy. I have something to live for.

[A]

Yeah. 100. 100.

[B]

There are cars driving at you and they're only two feet in the other direction and they're doing 60 on some roads. It's nut. So that we live like this.

[A]

Well, you know, it's not even scarier too. So if you're doing 40 and that other car is doing 60, you're actually doing 100 at each other.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you. You add the forces together.

[B]

I can't. So yeah, that's why you catch me on the regional rail. I know.

[A]

So. So again, so they're like, you need.

[B]

You need to get a grown up to teach her how to drive.

[A]

Yes, 100%. So Asriel is like, yeah. And he's like, listen, I know, I know. I understand the fear. And he's like, he's like, I'll teach you. And then Cassian's like, well, you also need to learn how to fight with a sword because of this Fabian shit. You don't always have your powers, so you need to learn how to like actually fight. So she's going to train with Cassian for like physical fighting.

[B]

So when she's eating Fabian, they're going to give her a sword?

[A]

No, no, like if. If she gets hit with fa.

[B]

Yeah, then she. It's very funny though. It's like she's powerless, but she'll have a sword.

[A]

Yeah, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. So Feyre and Nesta then have a chat about the. The wall hole plan.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Wall Hole, Wahol wahoo. And. And she tells her like, Amren can teach you magic. And Nesta agrees eventually, but only, only if they promise to murder all of the human queens that betrayed them. And the King of Hybern.

[B]

Honestly.

[A]

Because Nesta is that bitch.

[B]

I'll say Nesta is that bitch.

[A]

And I love her.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Nesta is fucking amazing. Then they're like, hey, listen, we're gonna have a big meeting with all the high lords. It'd be really great, Nesta, if you could come there and like tell your story and maybe that could help like, you know, like in the negotiations and people would understand like what we're going up in against. And she was like, absolutely the not. I am not out here to gravel in front of your high lords. I'm not out here to be using your. Your fundraising sob story email. Miss me, Nancy Pelosi. With your goddamn text messages, you. And you better not look at my sister to ask her to do this. And they're just like, okay, okay. And they just, like, back out of the room. So we get a few chapters here with Feyre Trains with Cassian and Asriel, and then they go to guess what? The library.

[B]

What, she knows how to read now, baby.

[A]

Yeah. But also, it's really just because they're looking for, like, special spells that might be in the libraries that Amren might need to help teach Nesta. They're also looking at, like, backstory about, like, the Wall and about the Cauldron. They're just looking for, like, anything at all.

[B]

They're just doing research.

[A]

They're just doing their own research. And when they're there, they get some backstory about how most of the libraries in the world got burned to the ground.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the elves. Sorry. The Fae were worried that humans would get a hold of magic books and use it against them. And she said, well, humans don't have magic. And he's like, some do. Because they're, like, part Fae. Because there used to be a lot more half Fae around. And she's like, what happened to them? And he's like, don't worry about it.

[B]

So what I'm hearing is that they destroyed the book books because they were scared of information. Of other people learning information that they felt would make them too powerful.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

100% intelligent. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

We also find out in the basement of this library, the library has. Is like a spiral.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It seems to go eternally down.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And like, it's full of books.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Big spiral ramp. And there's these priestesses there who are the one named Clotho. And she doesn't talk because she doesn't have a tongue.

[B]

Oh, whoa. What'd she do?

[A]

Sexual violence.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Happened to her. Which is why a lot of these women are, like, in this library. It's like, where they go, oh, it's.

[B]

Like the Medusa Library.

[A]

It's like a sanctuary. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

But in the basement of this library that seems to go down forever. There's a monster. Oh, there's a big monster.

[B]

I love a library monster.

[A]

Yeah, there's a library monster. It lives down there. It is, like, made of shadow. And, like, you never quite get, like, a really good description of it. I'm kind of obsessed with it. And. But you just, like, hear about that.

[B]

So I want a book on Alice and I want a book about the library monster.

[A]

Yes. Okay. And they said at one point, like, Cassian actually went down there and, like, faced it and, like, it fucked him up. Like, he's like. He saw it and he's like.

[B]

He's.

[A]

He doesn't talk. It's like, the one thing he doesn't talk about. He's like, I went down there once. I'm like, a bet, like, Rice bed him. And he went down. He's like, fuck that, dude. Now, Rice tries. Rhysand tries to fuck in the library. Because he's like, Like, Yeah, he just, like, tries to get a little. Little finger in getting there, baby. This book is about.

[B]

But you just told me that this library is a place where victims of sexual violence are working, so maybe this isn't the place to.

[A]

I don't know if you understand that this book is about. Okay, it's not about fairies having good manners.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We're making sense.

[B]

All right, I get it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They're fingering through the books.

[A]

Okay, thank you. They're fingering through the stacks. Now, instead, we end up getting more exposition.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Okay. And they come up with a plan to free the bone carver from the magic prison.

[B]

The bone carver. Now, he sounds like a bad.

[A]

Saying that out loud. It does sound like I just said a sex thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Freeing the bone carver from the magic prison.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sounds a lot like. And then he pulled out his girth. But no, the bone carver was the monster they met in the second book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now their thought is, we'll break him out, and then he can fight in the war. He'll fight on the battlefield because he's a big monster. Yeah. And then she goes to sleep, and she has a bunch of PTSD nightmares. Now, in the morning, Rhys, Feyre, and Cassian, they head to the prison. Rhys drops them off, and they have to walk into the prison. And Feyre and Cassian go in, and they have a whole Hannibal Lecter scene with the bone carver. Feyre realizes, because, remember, the bone carver chooses what everyone sees. A different thing when they look at the bone carver. And she was seeing a young boy, and she's looking at him closely. This time, she realized, oh, my God, he is our son.

[B]

What?

[A]

He's taken the image of our child, me and Reese's kid. Because the kid has, like, Reese's hair. You know what I mean? Like, his nose. And her eyes. You know what I mean? Like, she's seeing. Looking at the kid, and she's like, this is actually our kid. She gives the. The bone carver a bone, and it's from the ator. The big Bat monster that she killed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, oh, that's pretty cool.

[B]

That's pretty good bone.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, this is a good bone. He's like, carve the out of this. And then they like, hey, you know, we want to make a deal with you. Like, we'll get you out of the prison. And he's like, oh, I can leave the prison whenever I want. And they're like, what? He's like, oh, I choose to be in the prison.

[B]

He's like, three meals in a cut, baby.

[A]

No. And he's like. And protection from my brother and sister. And they're like, what? And they're like, yeah. He's like, I'm a death God. He's like, as. As are my brother and sister. And he explains that he has a brother named Kashi, which is another type of food. Is it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. This is K O S C H E. Maybe it's koshk. But anyway, I'm gonna pronounce Akashi. He's out there evil as fuck. Evil death God. And he also says that my sister is now called the weaver in the woods, but her old name was Stridja. Striga, which is basically just the. One of the. Who's the lady with the house with the chicken leg? Oh, Baba Yaga. He's basically like, yeah, she's Baba Yaga, the weaver in the woods. You might remember in book two, was the lady in that cat that. The cottage where she made her go in to get that ring.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And then she. By the way, I forgot to leave it. I left out that part. That ring that she stole from the weaver in the woods, that is her wedding ring now, because it was her mother. It was his mother's wing. And then he tricked her to go in to go get that. But it turns out that lady who she stole from is a death God.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And later, looking back, she's like, I got to have a talk with him about sending me to Barely. Like, I'm literally like a newborn fawn over here in my. In my fairy body, I guess.

[B]

A death.

[A]

A death God. But he also notes, the bone carver makes. Makes mention that Nesta is something different because she took something from the cauldron or way out.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then they're like, okay, yeah, whatever. We don't care. That's weird. Will you fight with us? He goes, okay, but I'll make a deal with you. I'll make a bargain with you. You gotta bring me a mirror that was in my sister's Castle. Back in the day, we gotta steal.

[B]

From the bad sister Again.

[A]

New McGovern. But the sister doesn't have this anymore. It's. But it's the thing called the. It's an obsidian mirror called the Ouroboros, okay? And he says, if you get me this. Because you can. You can use this to see anywhere in the world, okay? And he's like, you get me this. I'll put this in. It's like getting cable in my prison cell.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

I just want to watch Ms. Msnbc.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, that's what he wants. Yeah. He just says, I just want to SCRY here. Watch Real Housewives, maybe get Peacock on it. Give me a smart tv, you know? So he's like, yeah, just watch Parks and Recs reruns until I feel better and then feel worse. Because I'm like, oh, that'll never happen now. He. This is. I'll fight for you. And they're like, okay, like, where do we get it? He's like, guess what? Kier has it. Kier at the Hewn City. So just ask. Ask him. It's over in his fuckboy pad. And then they leave. And as they leave, Feyre's like, oh, Nesta might be death.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Like, she might be a death God.

[B]

Okay. Is that the little thing she stole?

[A]

Yeah. She might have stolen the power of life and death from the cauldron.

[B]

That's why she's so grown.

[A]

Yeah. So then they go back to go visit the sisters again. And Elena's having a bad time.

[B]

Elena reminds me of. We May. We. We're doing sad music. That meme that's going around right now.

[A]

Yeah. That we found on Tick Tock. Another one. We're doing sad music yet? Oh, God. Yeah. No, you're right. I. I don't have that. Cute. I would. I would love to hit that. We sad again. We depressed. Anyway.

[B]

Yeah, it was. We depressed music.

[A]

We depressed music. Elaine's having a bad time. She. She Now. Her l. Her FA. Powers are the same as, like, a kid getting a cochlear implant.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

She is hearing every. Everything.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And she's very everything. And she doesn't. She isn't built up to handle it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So at one point she even says, like, I can hear the grass grow. She's like, I hear everyone's heartbeat.

[B]

She just took a bunch of acid.

[A]

She's like, I can hear the grass grow.

[B]

But.

[A]

No, but it's one of those things when people get, like, a cochlear Implant and they can hear for the first time or even see for the first time. Like, your brain gets used to tuning out background noise. Yeah, but people who are 40 and get it, like, oftentimes they'll end up giving up on them because they can't tune out things. It drives them a little crazy. So that's, like, what she's having. And then there's a moment where Nesta and Feyre, like, walk around the corner and they hear a door open. They're in the library. They're in the. They're in the house library. Not the one with the monster in the basement.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Lucian walks in, okay. Because he doesn't know Elaine's in there. He's literally coming in just to get.

[B]

A bug boner town.

[A]

And so Nestor's like, we gotta get that fucker. And they were like, no, wait. And she, like, like, holds Nesta. And she's like, shut up. And then she reads Lucian's mind as Lucian has a conversation with Elain. And, like, she's like, hey. He isn't, like, just horny at her. Like, he's concerned and he doesn't want. He's trying to figure out what's wrong with her. And she's like, all this different stuff, and so she feels better. And so we're moving towards rehabilitating Lucian and everyone's mind a little bit here. And then that's. That whole thing's weird.

[B]

Yeah, that sounds weird.

[A]

And even Nest is like, are you just reading minds? And she's like, shut the up. Shut up.

[B]

Shut up, Death.

[A]

And then Lucian tells Feyre. She's like, we need to move Elain out of the House of Wind and put her someplace normal, because this place isn't helping. And Feyre agrees, and they move her to the. To the row home. And so I, again, I just keep picturing it as like a South Philly row home. Nine bedrooms full of fairies and, like, arguing over parking. There's some. Some. There is some, like, discussion in there, actually about mating bonds and why they happen. With Rhys explaining like, yeah, you know, they can be rejected. Like, Elaine could reject it because she's looking at Elaine and how. Elaine looks at Azriel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, those two. That would make sense.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But her and Lucian doesn't make sense to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then she's like, who makes these? And he's like, I don't know. The algorithm. Who gives a shit? And then she's like, well, could she reject it? He's like, yeah, listen, Elaine, could a girl. Females can reject the mating bond, but the male usually goes crazy and murders a lot of people.

[B]

There it is. That's how it always happens, isn't it?

[A]

Yep. Nice guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, yeah, I actually wrote murder. Nice guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the men go, murder. Nice guy about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Murder. Nice guy about it. Yeah. And so now we are getting into a point where. Where. Okay, okay, I'm going to take a big deep breath. All right? Amren, Nesta, Rhys, Feyre, More and Azriel go to the Court of Nightmares.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They go to the Hewn City. Rhys and Feyre sit on. Rhys has Feyre sit on the throne. There's only one throne. And he's like, there's supposed to be two. You sit down and she sits down. He forces everyone to bow and he's just kind of like a dick about it. And Nesta and Amren, like, walk around because they're again, they're testing. They're doing like the test, like, can you feel magic?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're doing that stuff while Azrael is like. He's doing the Shadow Singer shit in the background. Now they all then go into a closed door meeting with Kier and he's like, hey, Kier, I want your army. And here's like, also your mirror. Yeah, but no, but you don't bring that up yet. He's like, like, here's like, yo, fuck you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then Ryson's like, yo. Well, what about this, though? And then the door opens and Aeris walks in. Oh, do you know who Eris is?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, we've been over this.

[B]

I know.

[A]

This is Lucian's brother with the red hair who put a nail in.

[B]

Into the tummy of the lady.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So he walks in and they're like. And Rhys is like, I've been talking to Eris. Eris will get you an allegiance. An alliance with the Autumn Court.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that way. And the Cures, like, I like that.

[B]

I like.

[A]

And then he's like, however, the other thing I want. And like, what? He's like, now that we know Valeris exists because they got attacked, he's like, my people want to be able to visit Valeris.

[B]

Oh, they want a vacation town.

[A]

They want to be able to go to this cool town. And Morgan's like, fuck, you know? Because, like, Morgan's like, valeris is my whole shit. She's like, I hate this town. I hate everyone down here. Yeah, I hate you, dad. And she's like, and I hate you, Eris.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, like, she's, like, seething, and it's bad. And then they. They go through like this, like, back and forth. And basically, Ryson agrees that Court of Nightmare people are allowed to come visit Velaris under supervision. Eris is, like, promising the alliance, and if they possibly, when asked, help, murder his father.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So then he can become the High Lord.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And then finally, at the end, Feyre tells Kier. She's like, I need the Ouroboros, Miro. Give me the Ouroboros mirror. And he laughs. And he says, yeah, you can have it as a mating present if you can take it. So what the does that mean? He goes. Anyone who looks into the mirror goes insane or their souls are broken.

[B]

Oh, so why does he have it then?

[A]

They never explain how he got it, what he bought.

[B]

Bought it at home goods.

[A]

They never explained. They never explained how he got it.

[B]

How do you get it mounted on the wall?

[A]

They never fucking once explained. I'm dead. I kept thumbing, being like, how did he get this? And all we know is it's in a special room at the very top of the mountain.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Where it's up there in its own. Yeah. So now there are.

[B]

I'm just gonna throw a blanket over it and pull it off the wall. Right.

[A]

Like a parrot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So now there's a bunch of fallout.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because of the deals with Kier and Eris and that whole reveal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because now this fallout does not matter for the rest of the book.

[B]

But how long was it.

[A]

It was like, a whole chapter. Because again, it's like Morrigan is, like, going about it like she's pissed.

[B]

Like, I understand.

[A]

And then rice is, like, set.

[B]

But also, we can't plan an entire war around her right now.

[A]

Yeah, no, I know. And. But then Rice is like, oh, I should have done this better. Like, there's a better way to do this. But then he was like, you know, it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Permission. Which is, like, an honor you literally.

[B]

Went to go for a meeting that's asking for permission.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You ask for forgiveness by just doing what you do.

[A]

But then Amren finds out about the bone carver plan.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then there's a little bit more reveal about her backstory story in the Before Times.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Basically, she was like an angel working for a vengeful God. And the Multiverse is real. And she fell through a crack into our world. And then she became human, a Fae. And. But she. If the. The angel version of her has no concept of like, us. Of, like, being immortal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, so if the angel. If my angel aspect was ever freed, it wouldn't even recognize you as people.

[B]

Yeah. Biblical version.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So it's not that thing. And. Yeah. So just keep going. And then Elaine walks in the room and she's just talking nonsense. She's just like, blah, blah. She's just saying weird. And they're like, I guess. Did she just have a stroke?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, here's the thing. I'm going to just zoom out real fast.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She's clearly speaking in prophecy because I don't want to pretend like they did for a chapter or two to figure out. Like. Like, she's like, they bring a healer in. The healer's like, I don't know what's wrong with her. Maybe her mate should talk to her. And I'm like, you're.

[B]

Why you say it like that?

[A]

Why? It's like the male mate. And then they start sending out replies to all the High Lords.

[B]

Are there ever lady owned lady mates? We do. We talk about this. Male and male mates.

[A]

It's not mentioned for a while.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So they. At least for a while in this book. So they. They've been sending out messengers to all the different High Lords. Be like, we should have a meeting. And then the High Lords are starting to reply. A bunch of them are like, I'm down for a meeting, but where?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now they start arguing over where their location is going to be. And then the rules, like, who you're allowed to bring, how many plus ones, what's the seating chart? And Lucian gets involved with this.

[B]

It's way above his pay grade.

[A]

No, this is actually exactly what he used to do for Tamlin. So, like, this is like 100% his. This is like his thing. Like, he's basically a wedding planner.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, and so he's, like, actually good at this. More training montages with Feyre and Cassian and Azriel. And this is actually pretty good because she sucks at flying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, hard.

[B]

Good.

[A]

And it's the visual I got of her crashing out. Like, literally crashing. There's like a couple times where she's like, and then I'm gonna try to jump. And she, like, jumps off, like, a 20 foot balcony and just eats it and, like, picturing it in my head, like, if they ever make this into a series, like, I need them to have a Steadicam shot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she falls into frame just like. It just like hits the ground. Because there's nothing funnier hold on. There's nothing funnier to me than when someone falls into frame and you're not expecting it. Like, there's two people talking. Like, that is always funny. It's never not funny. Do it. And especially if she's, like, in her fucking dress with her cute little bat wings and her little tiara. It's just. So I have a question.

[B]

If this was made in movie, who would be playing Feyre in your mind?

[A]

Oh, it's gonna be somebody who sucks.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It'll definitely be somebody who sucks, and it won't be cast. Well, that's kind of like how I know, because I think, like, she's supposed to be, like, a redhead or, like, blonde or something. Or like a dirty blonde.

[B]

You've just. Okay, that's three different hair colors.

[A]

No, I know. I can't remember off the top, but I think she might be, like, a strawberry blonde or something like that. Because I'm just keep thinking back. I've seen some of the images. I went to the wiki.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I went to the Aatar wiki.

[B]

All right.

[A]

And they have images there. And it's. I. I don't know what's official and what is just, like, stuff.

[B]

Fan art.

[A]

Fan art.

[B]

Love fan art. There's a lot of fan art about this book.

[A]

There's so much fan art about this book. Now she. Let's go back into. I would say. I'm thinking. I'm thinking now because I'm trying to think of different actresses. That would be good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's wicked season, so. Ariana.

[B]

No, I can't. We got. We need a break.

[A]

It would be probably that Rachel Zoe girl.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Who was just in the new Hunger Games. I feel like. I feel like she. But she. I think her head's too big. Like, literally, like, she has, like, a real thin body and this, like, bobbleheads.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She got a lollipop head. That's the thing is, like, I don't know. I feel like it would be. This would be a good one for, like, a new actress. But, like, I don't know, because, like, the way. What's her name with Katniss Everdeen.

[B]

Jennifer Lawrence.

[A]

Jennifer Lawrence wasn't new.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it was the role that, like, pushes her over.

[B]

Yeah. Then we all know who she is.

[A]

Then we all are like, oh, Katniss Everdeen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jennifer Lawrence. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like there's somebody out there, like a Sabrina Carpenter or something. You know what I mean? Who's been, like, doing. Not, like, That I think Sabrina Carbon would be good at it. But I think, like, who's been out there, has the reps, has done the.

[B]

Work, the people that have been putting 20 years behind the scenes and then everybody thinks they're an overnight success.

[A]

Huh? So me, I should be feyre. I should be feyre. Speak to me, Ryson. I stroke the tattoos on his chest. There's also one part where, like, she's getting railed by him and she keeps, like, rubbing his knee tattoos. Cause, like, he's like, clearly covered in tat and, like, weird tattoos.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But they read very much like Russian prison tats to me.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

And I'm just like, this is so fucking weird.

[B]

Or the knees.

[A]

Yeah, he has like tattoo, like stars on his knees or something. Because the thing is, like, some tattoos in this world are like bomb. Like, like magic tattoos. But they also are always like black stencil.

[B]

So I'm like, sensitive. Like, if she's rubbing one on his.

[A]

Knee, it's like, no, I don't think so. I think it's just like. I think. But they're also like, all like, to me, those, like, hipster black line tattoos where they're not like, filled in. They're not like, cool, like sailor tattoos. You know what I mean? Like, when I see somebody with like a sailor sleeve, I'm like, okay, yeah, that's fine. But when it's just like a bunch of random shit, I'm always like, all right, I get it. Bored on a Wednesday. You were bored on a Wednesday and you had a Groupon.

[B]

This Note is from Mrs. P. Do not listen to him about tattoos. He doesn't have any. He's never wanted any. His opinions on tattoos do not matter. Your tattoos are really cool. I bet they're awesome. Don't listen to him about him anyway.

[A]

I'm not. Hold on, I'm. I'm swallowing something mean.

[B]

Yeah, good, because choke on it. How's it going?

[A]

It's going pretty good now again, Elena walked in. She's spouting a bunch of nonsense.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's clearly prophecy.

[B]

And they. They're like, what do you mean? That sounds like something that would happen in the future. They're not getting it.

[A]

And then. Oh, I said that. I said that. Now here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We are an hour and some in. I'm right at the halfway mark.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

I think we're going to. We're going to. We're going.

[B]

I need. I Need a little teaser. What's going to happen in the second half?

[A]

Well, you just asked about lesbians.

[B]

Oh, hell yeah.

[A]

It's literally the next line.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Let's go. So when we come back in part two, because we're just going to do this as two separate uploads.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In part two, I'm going to. This is what I'm going to do. Just for anybody out there who's listening to this, right. The second this goes up, I'm posting part one. Right now. We're going to take a little bit of break, check in on child care, all that different stuff. And then we're come back and we're going to record part two.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we'll post that later this afternoon. So all of this is up for you today.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

We're going to work really, really hard to do that.

[B]

I'm going to go make a pot of coffee.

[A]

We're gonna need the biggest pot of coffee in the history of the world. So for everybody out there, we are not saying you need to join our Patreon, but you can. If you want to be cool, you can join our Patreon and check us out. Thank you.

[B]

Lots of cool content on.

[A]

There's a lot of. A lot of really cool content. I'm gonna play us out with our classic theme right now, Mrs. P. Anything for the end of part one.

[B]

I'm really excited about what's gonna happen next.

[A]

Oh, listen, for those of y'all, just so you know, part one was the worst part of the book. It gets so much better from here. Everything I just read to you I hated with a passion.

[B]

And now it's gonna get good.

[A]

So we'll be back with the next episode in just either two seconds or a couple hours. Too many frauds and too many scammers that we wish weren't real. Too many cons and too many spammers and we're starting to feel like we've got too many tabs open. It's too many times. Remember to smile. If you love your phone but not your carrier, just switch to T Mobile. You can keep your phone, keep your number and we'll help pay it off up to $800 per line. You can also use our savings calculator to compare our plans and streaming benefits against Verizon and AT&T. So switch and keep your phone, keep your number and keep more of your moolah. @t mobile.com up to 4 lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service ported 90 plus days with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card has no cash access and expires in six months.