Story Report - Garden Spells

Summary

Too Many Tabs with Pearlmania500

Story Report – Garden Spells

Date: October 22, 2025

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Main Theme

In this engaging Story Report episode, Mr. and Mrs. Pearlmania500 (A & B) dive deep into Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. It’s the “cozy book” antidote to their typical Spooktober content—a warm, magical, Southern story about messy family, small-town life, sisterhood, and the subtle magic woven through everyday routines.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why This Book for Spooktober?

• Mrs. P. wants a break from spooky:

  “...mama needs a break. Okay. And one of the things about this book, specifically, it was a little break. It was a cozy, kind of sweet treat book.” (00:32)

• It’s a “cozy book” full of gentle magic, perfect for “big sweater, blanket on your knees” reading.

  “...this is the perfect cozy. Cozy, cozy time. Big sweater, hot mugatee. Blanket on your knees.” (05:36)

2. The Waverly Family and Their Magic

• Setting: Bascom, North Carolina—small town, old money, old families, and lots of Southern eccentricity.
• Matriarchy with magical gifts: The Waverly women inherit “personal magic” linked to herbs, gardening, intuition, and subtle psychic talents.
  • Claire (main character): Obsessively tends her enchanted garden, makes magical concoctions, and craves routine and solitude.

    “Claire is described as looking very snow white esque. Light features, but real dark hair.” (66:58)

  • Sydney (her younger sister): Has been running from her past, more rebellious, recently escaped an abusive marriage.
  • Evanelle (cousin): Eccentric, delivers random objects to people (often before they need them), best described as a “Chekhov’s gun” in human form.

    “She has this thing, and it’s almost like a psychic ability… she gets an inherent sense that someone needs something and then she needs to give it to them.” (18:37)

3. The Magic Apple Tree

• The Waverly garden is home to a supernatural apple tree with a will of its own:
  • Throws apples at people (sometimes across property lines)
  • Its fruit causes visions: bite it and you see the pivotal moment of your life—good or bad.

    “When you eat these apples, you’ll have a vision and you’ll see the biggest moment in your life...” (101:17)

• Claire spends effort hiding and burying the apples to prevent townsfolk from messing with their destinies.

4. Small-Town Southern Color

• The episode is loaded with loving send-ups of Southern small-town quirks:
  • All old ladies are somehow your cousin
  • The “stop and shop” local stores
  • Running jokes about family trees, the importance of libraries, and eccentric family relations
• Tropes are playfully critiqued and embraced (e.g., the Magic spinster house, general stores, family feuds, etc.)

5. The Plot, in Broad Strokes

• Claire’s Routine: Comfortably isolated, self-sufficient, running a catering business from her grand, inherited Victorian home/garden.

• Sydney’s Return: Fleeing an abuser with her daughter Bae, Sydney shows up unexpectedly—tired and desperate. The sisters reconnect, but their fraught childhood (living on the run with a troubled mother, abandonment, etc.) surfaces.

  “As soon as Claire sees her… it looks like the ghost of her sister, Sydney.” (56:01)

• Supporting Cast:

  • Tyler: The hunky, kind-hearted art professor who moves in next door (and becomes Claire’s love interest).
  • Fred: General store owner, in a marriage crisis (with a nice gay elder subplot).
  • Emma & Hunter John: Hunter John, Sydney’s high school love, now married to competitive and anxious Emma (the town’s “baby trappers”).
  • Eliza Buford: Town gossip (gleefully described by Mr. P. as a sheep in a Southern dress).

• Sydney’s Growth: She finds work as a hairdresser (using her “Waverly magic” to make each customer look their best), gradually builds her own sense of stability and belonging, and finally forms a healthy relationship with Henry (not Hunter John).

• Family Healing: Both sisters slowly dismantle their emotional defenses through daily life, work, and candid conversations about their painful past. Magic—subtle, inherited, and deeply personal—is stitched throughout their journey.

6. The Climax: Dealing with Danger the Waverly Way

• David (Sydney’s abuser) tracks her down: The entire family—plus friends—are gathered in the magical garden for a summer dinner.
• David threatens violence but picks and bites an apple from the tree. The magic vision shatters his sense of invincibility.

  “He bites the apple. …all of a sudden his eyes go wide and they're, like moving back and forth… Panic is filled his face and he drops both the apple and the gun… she realizes he's seen his own mortality. And when she realizes he's mortal, she's not afraid of him anymore.” (132:24)

• Resolution: David runs away, defeated not by violence but by the stunning revelation that he too is mortal and vulnerable. The family, renewed by mutual support, healing, and love, claims a true happily ever after.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the Nature of "Cozy Magic":

• Mrs. P.:

  “The magic is skills that people have... I like that everybody's magic is really personal, and it's... subtle.” (138:02)

• Mr. P.:

  “This is whimsigoth Hallmark, baby.” (43:23)

Southern Lore and Humor:

• Mrs. P.:

  “This is literally her cousin Evanelle.” (16:16)

• Mr. P.:

  “That's how it works in North Carolina. …every guy you've dated, I've literally sat there and traced to make sure we weren't related…” (16:14)

Sidekick Magic:

• On Evan L.'s "gifts":

  “She gives them some lawn clipping bags. And then she greets Sydney, who's out in the porch and is like, I have this piece of paper for you. …it has Tyler's number written on it.” (71:35)

Emotional Honesty:

• Mrs. P.:

  “...she's just, like, having this dream. And then she, like, wakes up and she, like, has dirt in her mouth.” (13:00)

• Mr. P.:

  “Because Sid really... needed the dick to understand her emotions. Okay? She got dick down in the garden.” (119:58) [Tone: Playful irreverence]

The Apple’s Magic, as Climax:

• Mrs. P.:

  “He chews the apple for a moment. And all of a sudden his eyes go wide ... he drops both the apple and the gun. ...And she walks, kind of like leans up and walks into his face. And she's like, you better get far from here. Maybe you can outrun it out there, but not here. We will make sure it comes true here.” (132:56)

On Libraries:

• Mrs. P.:

  “Please support your local library. Get your local library card... Libraries get funding based on how many people use them. Use the library so that they can keep their funding up.” (139:51)

The Heart of the Book:

• Mr. P.:

  “...this was just so well-balanced... just a sweet, nice book. And the bad guy still gets it in the end.” (138:02-138:51)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:14] – Setting the intention: This book “ain’t spooky”—Spooktober gets “cozy”
• [03:47] – Introduction to Garden Spells and author Sarah Addison Allen
• [08:02] – Into the plot: Introduces Claire, her garden, and magical family legacy
• [16:08] – First meeting with cousin Evanelle, queen of “useful gifts”
• [29:39] – The magical apple tree and its secret powers
• [46:58] – New POV: Sydney’s escape from an abusive husband, cross-country
• [56:01] – The sisters finally reunite in Bascom
• [71:35] – The Chekhov’s gun of lawn bags and Tyler’s phone number
• [90:55] – Humiliating catering job at Hunter John & Emma’s mansion; town gossip revealed
• [101:17] – Claire explains the perilous magic of the apples to Bae
• [117:18] – 4th of July: Small-town shenanigans, honeysuckle moonshine, Claire and Tyler’s romance blooms
• [132:24] – Book’s climax: David eats the apple, sees his doom, flees
• [134:48] – Final thoughts and glowing recommendation of the book

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The Hosts’ Final Review

• Genuinely cozy, wholesome, and healing — Garden Spells is praised not just for its magical realism, but for its understanding of trauma, recovery, and the layered, sometimes prickly, bonds between women.
• Perfect for Hallmark fans—but also anyone craving gentle magic, sisterhood, and emotional catharsis.
• Subversive, but comforting:

  “We need more stories like this… coming together as family, finding these things. Has the Christian right colonized these types of stories? Yes, through Hallmark... But I would love to see more stories like this out there.” (136:12).

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Closing Tone

The episode is breezy, irreverent, and full of affectionate riffing—“whimsigoth Hallmark” at its best. Both hosts offer playful callbacks to Southern family quirks, jokes about casting, and playful critique of gendered genre tropes, all while expressing honest appreciation for the restorative, nurturing magic at the heart of Garden Spells.

If you’re looking for a rich, charming summary filled with all the detail, heart, and humor of Too Many Tabs, this episode covered both the spirit and substance of Sarah Addison Allen’s beloved novel.

Verdict: Highly Recommended—dust off your coziest sweater or hit up your local library, and let the Waverly magic do the rest.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, Mrs. P. Hi. So you read a book?

[B]

I always be reading books.

[A]

You do be reading books. And I want to just point something out. Mrs. P, we are here at the damn near end of Spooktober.

[B]

Yeah. I want to tell you something. This book ain't spooky.

[A]

It's not spooky?

[B]

No.

[A]

It's not a spooky book.

[B]

No.

[A]

But what's the point of having Spooktober if you read a book that's not spooky?

[B]

Number one, I was very clear with you this month that I wasn't getting too deep into Spooktober.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Okay. I didn't go as hard as I've gone in the past because sometimes mama needs a break. Okay. And one of the things about this book, specifically, it was a little break.

[A]

A little break.

[B]

It was a cozy, kind of sweet treat book. There's. There's, of course, there's protagonists, there's a little bit of drama, but it's. Overall, this was a very chill, full, fun, nice book.

[A]

This is a cozy book.

[B]

A cozy book.

[A]

Well, you know what? Let's find out more about this cozy book after we hear the full theme song. Because this is.

[B]

Too many frauds and.

[A]

Too many scammers that we wish weren't real. Too many cons and too many spammers, and we're starting to feel like we've got too many tabs. Open it. Too many tabs. Remember to smile. That's right. That's the full theme. Because as you guys know, the Story report is an audio only podcast.

[B]

It's an audio only experience.

[A]

Exactly. And that full theme, which is we use the smaller snip on the main show now, was written by. His name was Dusk. Written and performed by. His name was Dusk. And as you guys just saw in this week's main episode of tv, he came in and did a tabletop RPG with us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he has a one shot special Kickstarter that he's rolling out for a one shot book that you can get for your D and D experience, please go check it out down the links below. If you're into tabletop games, if you want to experience something that's new and different and fun and also very cozy, like this book.

[B]

Yeah, it's super cozy. Yeah.

[A]

He said it was very much like over the garden wall type of feel. Anybody who knows over the garden wall will instantly understand the aesthetic that he's.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So, Mrs. P. Yeah, we're here. We're ready.

[B]

Are you bunkered in?

[A]

I'm bunkered In.

[B]

Did you drink an iced coffee?

[A]

I had. I had an iced coffee. I have my big water.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I have two backup granola bars.

[B]

Deep into the granola bar game, because.

[A]

I've realized that there's sometimes where you're like, oh, I'm gonna tell you, like, three paragraphs worth of information here. And I'm like, that'd be a good time for me to mute my microphone and chew on a granola bar.

[B]

Just a little.

[A]

Have a little snack and just listen in.

[B]

Just listen and pay attention.

[A]

Yeah. Because these episodes, we want to go before we get started just to remind everybody that the story report means you do not have to have read the book yourself.

[B]

No. Because this is a spoiler alert.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

The way that this entire idea came about is that sometimes I read books and then I close the book, and then I look at my husband, because usually I finish a book in bed before we go to sleep, and I look at him and I go, I need to tell you everything that just happened in this entire book that I've been reading for three to four days.

[A]

And I'm like, it's 11:47.

[B]

And I say, shut up. You're gonna listen to me right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I said, what if we did this with microph?

[A]

Yeah. And you looked at me one day and you're like, I want to tell you about this book. And I said, I don't know if that's an episode. And then she said, what if we put ads in it? And I said, well, maybe so if you don't want to hear ads, obviously. Always. As always, join [e-mail] but with that being said, Mrs. P. Wanna get started? I am ready to get started. Let's. First thing, the name of the book, Garden Spells and who is it by?

[B]

Sarah Addison Allen.

[A]

And I like the COVID of this book. Can you hold it up for me one more time, please? Hold on.

[B]

You got it.

[A]

You. Because you got it from the library.

[B]

It's a library book.

[A]

It's a library.

[B]

It's actually currently overdue.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Can I tell you something? I. When I let books go overdue, I'm just like, it's fine. Because then the money I end up paying is just a donation to the library. So I never feel guilty because I know I'm gonna give it back and then give them money eventually.

[A]

Yeah. But this is a really pretty book. Yeah, it has that. Nice. Which. This is like your favorite color. Green. Yes, that very light green. Like a mint green.

[B]

Yeah. I love a minty Green.

[A]

And it's a. It's a.

[B]

She's sitting in a garden surrounded by apples.

[A]

It's very Victorian.

[B]

Yeah, it's. If you were a fan of the Secret Garden growing up, this. This is going to hit a little nostalgia spot for you, which Can I tell you?

[A]

Can I tell you a crazy story? I'm a fan of the Secret.

[B]

The Secret Garden was one of my favorite. I could have based my entire personality on it growing up. The reason that when I was growing up, I wanted the Samantha doll from America.

[A]

Is that the one where the dad gets burned his eyes with mustard gas? Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. That movie. So that movie was targeted at my sister. Right. My little sister a heavily targeted her. She would watch it, I would come in and they'd be like, war scene. And like, that's how I know how people fall for the Notebook. Like, dudes are like, yeah, I like the Notebook because there's like two minutes of war in it. Yeah. And I'm like, you fucking idiot. Most of this is a bad movie about how you shouldn't be treating people with dementia.

[B]

Elder abuse. It really is about elder.

[A]

It's a music. A movie about elder abuse. Yeah. That's. That's hidden as a love song. Yeah. Which is insane.

[B]

Love someone. I don't think you would kind of mentally torture them every day, once a week.

[A]

Before we get into this cozy book, I want to throw it out there. And people are used to us just going on a little side note here. I think Colleen Hoover and Nicholas Sparks are the same person because they both are doing crimes, literary crimes. Now with that being said, let's talk.

[B]

About a non literary crime. So like I said, I picked out this book, I read it and I was like, this is the perfect cozy. Cozy, cozy time. Big sweater, big sweater. Hot mugatee.

[A]

Blanket on your knees.

[B]

Yes. And just have a good time. And you know what? I've gotten a lot of feedback from people already that read the book and they were just like, thank you so much for suggesting this. I wouldn't have picked it out. It came out years ago, I think, like a decade ago. So it's. It's a. It's an older book. It's not like a new Release. It's from 2007.

[A]

2007.

[B]

20, 20 years ago.

[A]

Oh my God. And that's so old.

[B]

I know, babe.

[A]

That is so in the book world.

[B]

It is. Because everybody's always like, let me get the new. The new thing. The new thing that's coming out. The new thing that just Dropped. So, like, doing something that's like a throwback that I know is gonna be at your library, and people are like, this really helped me get out of my reading rut. Do you know about a reading?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. So a reading rut is, like, for the people that love reading, like me. Sometimes it happens is you read something that maybe was really hard to read or you really didn't like it, and then your brain is just like, I don't want to read anything. And there'll be like, a month or two where you can't read anything because your brain is just like, I don't want to read anything right now. And so you. You have to find an entryway book. And this is a great entryway. You get back in, you read it pretty quick.

[A]

You know when that happens to me, when. When I find an author who has a bunch of books, like, maybe they have, like, five or six books, and I just start reading that one author.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I read every book or all the best books they've ever done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'm like, well, I'm out of him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or her.

[B]

Her.

[A]

Yeah. And then I go, well, I want to read them still. I don't want to read all these other types of books because I don't. I don't jump around a lot in the genres. Usually I'm reading, like, fantasy or sci fi. If I do read a book at all. Yeah. Most of the time just reading comic books. But I've been reading through this show because as we've said in the past, this counts as audiobook as a story graph.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or good read, if you still use them.

[B]

No, I don't use Goodreads.

[A]

But I'm just saying some people. I know some people still use them. I just want to just throw it out there. Story graph is the better one. So with that being said, let's get started. We are gonna take a break, and then we are gonna come right back, and we're gonna hop right into this book.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You ready for it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Okay. So we're back. The book is opening up, and we're introduced to Claire.

[A]

Claire.

[B]

And Claire is having recurring dreams right now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And in her dream, she's experiencing moments in her childhood where she's driving in the car with her mom. She's in, like, the back seat, and they're going, like, really long distances late at night, and she's sleeping in the car at night and in a parking lot, and her mom goes into a honky tonk, like a bar.

[A]

Okay, so this book isn't set in the Victorian era.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. Because the book cover, I'm judging a book by its cover. When I looked at that, I. And we were talking about Secret Garden.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I immediately assumed that this is set. When is this set? Is this like the 70s?

[B]

This is a current day book. It's set in like 2007. Ish.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then her childhood is like in the early 80s, like ours.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Okay, got it.

[B]

So, like early 80s.

[A]

So this is young Claire is sleeping in the back of her mom's car as they're driving around, and her mom's going into honky tonks, and her mom.

[B]

Has parked at a bar and is inside drinking, and she's sleeping in a car.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And this is her recurring dream she's having.

[A]

Oh, okay, understood.

[B]

But this is a recurring dream of her childhood.

[A]

Got it. Understood. Understood.

[B]

And so, like, she's having these dreams about her childhood and these. And like, she's also having a dream about being a lookout while her mom goes into pharmacies to steal shampoo and deodorant and maybe a candy bar if Clarence. So we're immediately seeing a perspective of her childhood. Right. And at the end of the dream, right before she wakes up, her little sister Sydney always comes into her vision. And then her. Her mom grabs Sydney and kind of starts running away a bit, but Claire grabs onto her mom's legs. And Claire emotionally feels like if she wouldn't have grabbed onto her mother's legs, she would have been left behind when her mom runs away with Sidney.

[A]

In the dream.

[B]

In the dream.

[A]

You know, I'm picturing the dream as the Metallica video for Turn the Page.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which is like, it's a cover of Bob Seger song, but it's about this mom who is an exotic dancer, but she's like a Midwest exotic dancer, like Central Pennsylvania exotic dancer. And like, she has this young daughter and, like, living in hotels and, like, living out of their car. And, like, the mom's clearly like an alcoholic and they got all these problems and it's like the color that they use and the framing. That's what my mind's eye is picturing this as.

[B]

Yep, I agree with you.

[A]

And like. And I'm picturing the cars when you said the 80s. I'm picturing those big cars. Yeah, like, not like those. They're like, almost like boats. And they're boxy. Yeah, a big, boxy Buick with a big bench in the back seat. They don't even have the individual.

[B]

You're not buckled in and the door flies open accidentally and you have to grab your cousin because she just falls out.

[A]

Ashtrays in the doors. Oh, ashtrays. Yeah.

[B]

Smoke and windows up in the winter.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So Claire did spend most of her early childhood on the run with her mom. And when Sydney was born, her younger sister, her mom basically decided that Sydney decided to have roots. And that's. This is Claire's perspective. Right. So she took the kids back to where she grew up, which was Bascom, North Carolina.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And Claire really has an unforgiven resentment almost against her mother about this. And she does in her. When she was a child and before her frontal lobe Floyd developed, she did take out this resentment on her sister because she felt like, I lived this shitty childhood. But then mom was willing to change everything and provide for Sidney.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Even though I'm gonna go ahead and assume it's as. As being parents of one child.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's already crazy enough. And you kind of just are treading water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If I had a second one, I would. Our entire life would be restructured immediately. No, no, I've already done this once. I. We can't. We can't do it this way again. Yeah, we can't. Honestly. We would have five bassinets. It just. Just for. Just for. Just for the first six months.

[B]

Changing table. Every changing.

[A]

To every room would have a changing table. There's so many things where I'm like, as a first time parent, I'm like, that seems unreasonable. And now I'm like, no, there's not enough money. There's not enough money. There would be diapers. Diapers and wipes in every single room. A changing table, full stations everywhere. There would be bassinets and cribs. Any place just to set the child down. Every room would have its own high chair. I mean, like, we're talking about, like, that second one. I'm like, I know exactly what you need and I know exactly what I me.

[B]

While the first child's like, did you just leave me on the floor?

[A]

Yeah. Yes. I had to for a minute. Okay. Daddy had to have a cry because daddy wasn't ready for this. Yeah. But I. That's 40 at 40. Yeah. But also I think there's. There is that where it's like. And I can totally see from the child's perspective of. Of that resentment.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So Claire did spend most of her childhood. Childhood on the run. And when she wakes up from this dream, she spits out Dirt. Because she fell asleep in her garden again, which is a thing that happens repeatedly where, like, she goes outside and, like, is working in the garden, and she's, like, obsessed with her garden. And she fell asleep out there, like, kind of under the bushes. And so she's just, like, having this dream. And then she, like, wakes up and she, like, has dirt in her mouth.

[A]

And she's like, can I tell you something? I, like, already is that, like, if this was a movie, this would be 30 seconds. Seconds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we are. It took us five minutes to cover, but, like, that waking up, like, I can see all of this. Of, like, this, the dream and the sister and all these. And then this woman waking up, spitting out dirt. Like, what the. And then you realize she's just in a garden. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful.

[B]

So she gets up and she picks up her tools, her shovel and all those other things, and she heads back in the house and she hangs up her tools, and we get kind of the grand view of this house. And it's beautiful. It's my dream house. It's a beautiful big Victorian with a wraparound porch, huge garden out back. She's currently in the sun room where she's drying all of her herbs for her big kitchen. Her kitchen is a dream kitchen. She basically has, like, a full, what we would consider, like a restaurant style kitchen set up inside of her giant Victorian home. So, yeah, you're just. You're just walking through my dream home, basically.

[A]

Does it have central air?

[B]

Yes, I've decided it has, so that you'll let me buy it.

[A]

Okay, cool.

[B]

In this imaginary house, it has central air, so you just let me buy.

[A]

It because I'm so tired of pulling air conditioners in and out of windows. But the other question for you. Do you know what state this house is in? Just so for my. Is it still in North Carolina?

[B]

Yeah, we're in Bascom, North Carolina.

[A]

Bascom, North. Oh, we're still in North Carolina. Okay, got it, got it. Because that actually. That actually matters. Because if this was a house in Maine. Boo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or the Midwest or California, obviously Victoria would be weird in California. But, like, the house you're describing, I know those homes in North Carolina. Yeah. I can picture this completely. I actually can now actually feel like the weather. I can, like, sense the pine trees outside. There's a lot of pine needles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The sandiness of the soil is very different.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In North Carolina. My family's from North Carolina.

[B]

I know.

[A]

So this is. I'm locking in.

[B]

You locking in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so this is her grandmother's house. She inherited this house when her grandmother passed away. This is the house that her mother took the kids to.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So when she fled home, this was the house that they fled to. Got it.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

While she's, like, doing this stuff in her sun room, she gets a knock on the front door, and she goes to answer it. And at the front door is a woman, older woman. Her name is Evanelle. And I had such trouble with this the whole time, because I want to say Eva Evanelle or Evanelle, but it's Evan L. Evan L. Evanelle Franklin. She's 79 years old. She looks 100, but she's in great shape.

[A]

I know this woman. Like, this is. My mom would be like, yeah, this is your cousin Evanelle.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

And I'd be like, how are we? Don't worry about it.

[B]

This is literally her cousin Evanelle.

[A]

I know. That's how it works in North Carolina. Like, when you're in a small town in North Carolina, everyone is your cousin. Yeah. Can I tell you real fast a little bit of Mr. P. Lore? When my parents met my dad, my mom met my dad, and she was telling her. Her dad, my grandfather, that she's like, I met this guy, and, you know, he's. He's really nice, but he's Jewish. And my dad, My grandfather immediately went, oh, cool, I don't have to do the math. And she said, what? And he was like, yeah, he's like. He's like, every guy you've dated, I've literally sat there and traced to make sure. To make sure we weren't related, like, or if we were. It was so far back. I was like, what the fuck?

[B]

North Carolina.

[A]

That's just small towns. And the thing is, is when you go looking at some of these places, get far enough out there, like, they don't have a history of checking the trees. Yeah, I'm just saying.

[B]

Yeah, check the trees.

[A]

I've seen some spots in Missouri where.

[B]

So Evanelle is in great shape. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The thing is, she loves walking. She's outside all the time. She's always walking around the little town. She's always outside, walking around with to see the neighbors. Also, she loves going to the local college and walking the track. You know, like, they have the track. So she likes to go to the track specifically because she likes to look at college guys butts. She's super into college guy butts. So she. Every morning, she goes and walks the track to see all the runners out there.

[A]

All right. All right.

[B]

Evan L. Yeah, shout out. Anyway, she's knocking door. She. Claire, invites her in, they're gonna have some coffee. And she's complaining immediately as she gets in the house that she doesn't like the summertime because it's summer right now. Which explains sleeping in the garden because there's less college kids butts to look at.

[A]

Complain about the heat.

[B]

No, she's like, the track doesn't have enough college kids butts.

[A]

I need that 19 year old butt walking in front of me.

[B]

I love 7 year, 9 year old grandma being like, all right, go ahead, you can pass me.

[A]

Yeah. You know, it's. It's cute when a grandma says that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Only disgusting when a president does.

[B]

Not okay.

[A]

Not okay, only grandma.

[B]

But she's. Evan L is not a grandma. She doesn't have kids. I don't think in this story.

[A]

Yeah. She's just an old creep.

[B]

I love her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So here's the thing about Evan. Now she has like this thing, and it's almost like a psychic ability or a personal magic. Right. And it's that she has this. She gets an inherent sense that someone needs something and then she needs to give it to them. And she doesn't know why or when she doesn't know why they need it, but she gets like this sense and it's like an itch in the back of her mind. Like almost like we would describe, like a hyper fixation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she. It won't say. Stop bugging her and itching the back of her brain until she gives them the things she needs. Okay. And so.

[A]

So. So she took. So her parents took Tylenol.

[B]

Yeah, her parents took a lot of Tylenol.

[A]

A lot of Tylenol.

[B]

And it would be like Claire, like she would show up and hand Claire a band aid and then leave. And Claire's like, what is this for? And she's like, I don't know. But then in five days, Claire would like be outside of town and nick her hand and. And then be like, God, I wish I just had a band aid. And then in her pocket is this band aid that Evan L. Had given her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

So we would say in the south, it's just like, weirdly, she got. She has. She's been touched.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's touched by an angel, by tism. Something. Maybe. Maybe she. Maybe she has a little bit of reach into the psychic plane.

[B]

It's a little reach into the psychic plane where she's a little magic.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She's got a little bit of magic, but that might be angel magic. Angel magic in the South. And if it's not angel magic, magic, they will burn you alive. They will tie you to a big tree and burn you alive.

[B]

So they sit down and have their coffee, and Evanelle is, like, just, like, checking in on how she's doing. And she's like. As. She's like, right before she sips her coffee, she's like, claire, you didn't put anything in this, did you? And Claire's like, no. She's like, I know how you are. I know how you Waverly women are. That's Claire's last name. Waverly.

[A]

Like the Wizards of Waverly Place? Like the Wizards of Waverly Place. A show I've never watched, but a name I've always loved. I will say, like, we were never. We were. We were too old for it.

[B]

Yeah, we're too old.

[A]

But every time I saw the name the Wizards of Waverly Place, I was like. I was like, honestly, that's better than Harry Potter.

[B]

And the thing is, Claire, she is kind of what you might call, like. Like an herbalist. Right? She. She always is putting something in something. You're gonna love this. Like, she's always putting maybe a dash of cinnamon in the coffee or a bay leaf in the loaf of bread. She's always adding a little sprinkle of something. When it comes to, like, herbs and flavors and tinctures and stuff like that.

[A]

Like ranch powder into the mashed potatoes. Are you talking about sneaking some broccoli inside the chicken nuggies? Are you talking about just adding a little hint of cheese where cheese shouldn't be?

[B]

Maybe a little bit of lavender in the sugar, vanilla beans and the cinnamon.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So she's a witch. She's a witch.

[B]

And I don't know anyone that's like that. So the thing is, Evanilla is just like, listen, I like things plain. I just want to make sure this coffee's plain. And Claire's like, yes, absolutely. I made you plain coffee. Meanwhile, she's looking at the kitchen island. Because they're sitting at, like, this beautiful kitchen island. Because of course they are.

[A]

I get 100. Can I tell you real fast? Yeah. I can picture this house, because there was a house we used to stay at North Carolina that was a bed and breakfast. Turned out the lady who owned it, she and her husband, the lady was somehow a distant cousin of our family.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And so they're like, yeah, you get the discount to stay there.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And the discount was, like, $5. It wasn't, like, crazy, but they were like, oh, we gotta use the family discount. And it was a very nice house, but it was. It was like this big Victorian farmhouse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the bedrooms. The downstairs was, like, very modern.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the bedrooms were very. That, like, weird bed and breakfast. Creepy.

[B]

Yeah. Why is there a doll sitting in a chair always? Why always?

[A]

I don't know what it is. Oh, what about the doll we saw last night? Ms. Flipping through Zillow.

[B]

Like, to look at Zillow. And also, I think Zillow's cowards for not having a comment section. Yeah, give me a comment section. I have thoughts.

[A]

There should be. We should. That way you could also go viral. I want it like Zillow. Virality is weird. Yeah. Anyway, back to this house.

[B]

So they're drinking coffee, and Evan L. Directs her attention to this beautiful cake that's on the kitchen island. And she's like, what you got over there? And Claire is like, oh, it's a white cake. And I stirred. I put in some violet petals into the batter and crystallized some violets and put it on top. So it's like a beautiful, beautiful cake with crystallized flowers. And these are flowers she grew in her garden.

[A]

That you can eat.

[B]

That you can eat. Yeah, you can eat violets. You can eat a lot of flowers, actually.

[A]

Oh, can you? Okay. I'm not a rabbit.

[B]

Okay, listen, you've eaten a lot of flowers.

[A]

I want to state it out loud. Not a rabbit.

[B]

I know. That's why it's so hard to get vegetables into your system. So she's like, it's for a dinner party that I'm catering tonight, but she has another slice of white cake. Cake that has no violets and no petals on it. And she's like, here, I made this one for you. Don't worry, I didn't mix in anything weird.

[A]

Because it's plain.

[B]

Yes, it's plain. Slice of cake just for her.

[A]

I agree with Evelyn. Evelyn's my favorite character in literature.

[B]

Evanelle, Evan L. I also called her Evanil Evelyn. Evelyn so many times in my head. Evanelle Evan now. And so all of a sudden, while she's eating her cake and drinking her plain coffee. So you coded with, like, a beautiful Chris. Like, you know how hard it is to. Crystal sugar. Crystal flowers.

[A]

Anyway, I don't give a. I didn't ask for that.

[B]

You. She didn't ask for the other cake. She just showed up. Anyway, Evan L. Hands her a yellow Bic lighter, and she's like, you need this. And she's like, I don't smoke. And she's like, you need this. And so Claire thanks her and puts it in her pocket and she's like, I don't know. Like, they both are just like, we don't know. But she puts the lighter in her pocket.

[A]

I love that. I honestly, I love just like, the tacit accepted of, like, eccentric magic. Yeah, I'm okay with that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's the type of magic I will accept. I don't want somebody coming in and doing like, oh, it's magic with a K. And it's. It's real. And there's all these. No, no, no. Just this. Like. Yeah. What? We don't fucking. Just shut up and do it.

[B]

We don't ask questions.

[A]

Don't ask. Do it.

[B]

Yeah. She's been doing it for 79 years.

[A]

Yeah. If I. If a 80 year old woman showed up to my front door and handed me a yellow Bic lighter, I'd be like, word.

[B]

Fair enough. Okay, got it.

[A]

I gotta say, when my grandma.

[B]

Coffee.

[A]

When my grandma had Alzheimer's, she would hand me weird shit all the time. It never came in handy. I was. Oh, you just stole from places. I would assume that Evelyn just stole that. No.

[B]

Evelyn. We're gonna get this wrong, readers.

[A]

We're gonna get this wrong. I want to call her Evie.

[B]

Evie. Maybe we'll remember Ava. I don't know. Anyway, so then they're drinking coffee and they're eating the cake, and she, Evanelle, gets right into this, like, so when are you gonna get married and settle down and blah, blah, blah, blah, the way that all older ladies do at a certain point. And Claire's like, listen, this is the perfect house for a spinster. I'm doing great. And Evanelle is just like, listen, you love your routine too much. You're just like your grandmother. You're too attached to your routine, and that's why you don't want to go out and date. And so, like, we're learning more about Claire as a character.

[A]

And Evan. Ls like, you need some deep dicking.

[B]

Yeah. She's like, you better go run that track.

[A]

You better go run that track. I see you out there picking roses, but none of them are the viral vibrating suction rose from Bellesa. Okay, Lincoln bio, this is not a sponsored episode, but I want you guys to know we're deep enough in. Your boy is currently the winter face of dildos. Deal. Signed locks in. I am so upset.

[B]

You're the gritty of dildos. Ah.

[A]

Fuck. Thank God we're not doing an after party about this one. We're just gonna have to sit in it.

[B]

So while this would be like, this could be insulting to some people, Claire immediately smiles about like the. Her saying, you're like your grandmother because she loves her grandmother. And being compared to her grandmother is a true compliment. Right. And she does love her routine. She's like, no, I. I love my routine. I love my life. I can't see bringing someone into it right now. And there's also, like, we read into it as the readers that, like, she relishes the security of her routine and her little life because she didn't have security when she was little.

[A]

Oh, I wonder who that's like.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know anything.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

So after the coffee, so was this.

[A]

So what part of therapy was this book for you? What part of that was when. When. How deep into the book were you like, yep, that's how women are. And then turn to the next page, not realizing that this, what this author just followed you around in 2007.

[B]

So after their coffee, Claire is like, hey, I have to drive over to Fred's. And Fred is the guy who owns the local food store.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like the. The all around store. Okay. And she's like, I gotta drive over to Fred's. Do you want me to drive you home? And she's like, you know what? Actually, I would love to go to Fred's. I needed to get a Coca Cola and some candy.

[A]

Yep. And people in North Carolina be calling it Coca Cola.

[B]

They call it the full Coca Cola. And so Claire's like packing up her bag to leave the house. And Evan L. Spots that Claire is really kind of delicately wrapping this one bottle. It kind of looks like a wine bottle. And she's like, who's that for? And she's like, no, no, it's nothing. And she's like, you're not supposed to see this. And Evan, I was like, I'm not going to say anything. Is it for Fred? And she's like, yeah, but don't tell him I said that.

[A]

Is Fred young and hot?

[B]

No, Fred is older.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then this is also in the book where we start to learn that Claire owns a catering business, which is why she has such an incredible kitchen fit out at her house.

[A]

I figured when you said that the cake was for a catering job.

[B]

Exactly, yeah. So she has this catering business, but she also does local farmers markets where she sells baked goods, jellies and juices and tinctures that she makes yeah, because everyone in town knows about the Waverly Garden. It's. Everybody just knows about Claire's garden and the history of the garden, of, like, the flowers and the herbs that come out of this garden. And also, it is home to this apple tree, which is like. Everybody knows about the apple tree. It's this huge apple tree. It produces apples almost year round, which no other apple tree does.

[A]

So it's. It's a tree that gives.

[B]

No, it doesn't, actually. And we'll skip past what you're about to say. And the thing is, is the. The herbs and flowers and things that grow in the garden, Waverly Garden, are very mysterious and some might say magical. Like, if you eat lilac jelly made from the lilacs in this garden, it could help you keep secrets better. Or if you took the marigolds grown in this garden and mixed them into your rice, it would ensure that people give you compliments. Right. Or, like, if you took the pansies and put them in, like, a cupcake that you gave to a child, maybe the child would be more thoughtful. Or the honeysuckles grown there. If you ate honeysuckle nectar from there, it would help you see in the dark.

[A]

Or if you eat the bark from a willow tree, your headache will go away.

[B]

Exactly that.

[A]

Okay. I just described aspirin, by the way. Yeah. That is literally how aspirin works.

[B]

And that is it. Actually. Like, certain herbs and flowers will help you have more clarity. And, like, this is, like, actual things. Right?

[A]

Yeah. Okay, I understand that. But also, giving a kid a cupcake and having them become more thoughtful. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna get a big old kibosh on that one.

[B]

No, but what I'm saying is this is town lore. Yeah, I get you generational lore, because this is lore that was her grandmother's that's been passed down. The Waverly women are magical, okay. Okay. That is their family thing.

[A]

They're the witches of Waverly Place.

[B]

I'm not saying that, but someone could.

[A]

Are they the woke witches?

[B]

They're not witches. Nor. I mean, I guess they're woke. I don't know. Okay, don't start this. Okay, so she's currently prepping a dinner.

[A]

I just want alliteration. But I was like, what? What cool word starts with woke up? Bring back woke baby.

[B]

So she is currently working on a job for a catering gig that she's doing for the college. There's a local college for the art department. The art department's having a big party, big dinner party. And they've hired her to come in and cater this. So she gets to Fred's store and she's gonna give him the stuff. Right. She's got jellies, jams, vinegars, and this special package that her. Evan L was eyeing up. But we're not talking about. And we kind of get a perspective from Fred about the Waverlys, which, again, is all about, like, the historical nature of their family and how everybody has this thought about them. But listen, I want to take a quick break, because when we come back, I want to talk about some troublemaking and some. And some dangers that happen.

[A]

Oh, yeah. We'll be right back after this.

[B]

Okay. So the people in town like Claire. Okay.

[A]

They like her because they haven't been told by Facebook yet that witchcraft is evil.

[B]

But many find her to be pretty standoffish.

[A]

Well, yeah.

[B]

So you like her, but she's kind of like, she's not the friendliest gal. She's polite but not friendly, if that makes sense.

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wonder who that's like. Okay, this book is clocking you. This book is, like, clocking you. It's reading you boots down. Is that how they say it?

[B]

I think that's how the kids say it. And so they. The thing is, everybody knows she's good at what she does, but, like, she's still a bit of an oddball. And Claire's mother was a troublemaker who everyone in town knows was a troublemaker.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who left her children to be raised by their grandmother and died in a car accident in Chattanooga.

[A]

Chattanooga, Tennessee.

[B]

Chattanooga, Tennessee. Her grandma. Grandmother had, like, also had strange gifts. And then there's this distant cousin, Evanel, that also. Everybody's like, she's a weirdo. But, like, we don't know what they're doing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then we kind of.

[A]

These are just town eccentrics.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's the thing is these are town eccentrics. And that's it. That's a nice way of saying crazy people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, like, that's. That's the thing that every small town. Yeah, Right. Every small town gets a. Gets a few eccentric.

[B]

They only get a few. But in the city, we're covered in.

[A]

Essential in the city. In the city, you get crazies. Yeah. Because in the city, you don't get to know everybody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're in a town, especially a town that's like, sub 2,000 people, you end up kind of knowing everybody slowly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's certain people are. I don't want to say main characters, but are just Known by everyone. And there's some people that go kind of under the radar.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But for the most part, like, if you have a big personality or there's something very different about you and you stick out in the town, everybody in the town knows you.

[B]

Yeah. And so this is. We're learning this again from Fred's perspective. And so he's kind of going over the Waverlys and how they're perceived. And then there's the Runyons, who are talkers, the Plemons, who are shifty, and the Hopkins men who always marry older women. So, like, we learn a little bit about the different families, but people generally marry older. It's a whole storyline. Yeah. There's like, this. The. The. These guys that are in the family of the Hopkins, and, like, they always marry older women. Well, I mean, their thing.

[A]

Can I tell you. Yeah, great. Great. That it's older women. I just like that one.

[B]

I'm older than you.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but it's also one of those things. I'm just so happy that it's like they're not out here. Like, they drive past the high school. It's like, no, baby, no. I drive past the senior center. No, they drive past Joanne Fabrics. Because it's written in 2007.

[B]

Yeah, 2007.

[A]

And 2007, Joanne Fabrics was still around, crushing it. Yeah. Now Joanne's Michael.

[B]

So. So people like the Waverlys, and they like Claire. She kept the house in good shape, and it's one of the oldest homes, and the tourists like to come and drive by. So for the good of the town, people like the house. They like Claire. And when someone in town needs a solution to a problem that could be solved by the flowers grown around the apple tree, she's the first. First in three generations that openly shares this particular gift.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

Right. So now we're following Fred for a bit, and he's going back into his office, and he opens this brown bag, which she gave him, and it's this bottle of homemade rose geranium wine. And it's supposed to help people return to happiness and remember the good when they drink it together. So it's like if we were to drink this bottle, it would help us remember the good times and the happiness in our marriage before the divorce.

[A]

I just want you to say something. I want to say real fast that is that. No, I don't like that.

[B]

You don't like that.

[A]

I know this is supposed to sound romantic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But thinking back on the good times before everything went bad is how people stay in abusive relationships.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And also, like, we're gonna drink until we feel good. You should if you're. If you're already feeling good and you drink, and that heightens it a little bit. Sure. But if you're drinking because you're sad.

[B]

No. So anyway, the reason Fred asked for this special bottle of rose geranium wine is because him and his partner James have been having some issues.

[A]

Oh, Fred's gay.

[B]

Fred's gay. They're married. They're older gentlemen. James has been working out of town a lot and has grown distant, and Fred is getting really anxious about how they've grown apart. And so he wants to have a dinner with him where they can, like, rekindle their relationship, drink this wine, and, like, try to find a ground where they can, like, come together again.

[A]

Right. Yeah.

[B]

So that's. That's why Fred got this wine. Let's get back to Claire. So.

[A]

So wait, so he's just like. He's just the old gay man who owns the gardening store.

[B]

He owns the. The food everything store.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah. So is it like a. Like a suit? Like a 5?

[B]

I pictured it as, like, the stop and shop from parks and Rec.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Where it's, like, not quite a grocery store. It's like, almost like a mini Target.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Where it has a little bit of everything.

[B]

He's got a lot of general store. General store.

[A]

It's general store. Today it would be Dollar General.

[B]

Ugh.

[A]

Today a Dollar General would have come in and underpriced everything in his store and taken it over.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that's literally what they did all across America. Yeah. Because there used to be my. My family in North Carolina. My grandfather had a pharmacy, and there were other places. Like the one we had in the middle of town was called. Everybody called it the dime store, because back in the day you went there, most things were a dime.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In, like, the 50s. Things still weren't a dime in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s. But, like, everyone still just called it the dime store. And when you went in there, it just had a little bit of everything. Some stuff was, like, it had been in there. Some stock had been in there so long it was covered in dust.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, you have these kind of general things. And so depending on what the town needs, that's the type of place where you go and you can get new flower seeds and you can get shotgun.

[B]

Shells, and you can get ground beef from Argentina.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

100% so she drops the stuff off at Fred's place and then goes back to her house and picks up up the suffer catering job.

[A]

By the way, I'm assuming this is western North Carolina.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I. I feel like this is very Asheville, like. Like adjacent of where this town is. Just because this feels we're in a town that is accepting of a lineage of witches. There is men who are openly gay. I don't know if this is a real town.

[B]

It is. I found it.

[A]

Oh, where is it?

[B]

Bascom, North Carolina is near the Highlands. Hold on. It's like down. It's on the southern part of the state. It looks like it's far away from Chattanooga. I mean, not that far.

[A]

No, no. This is the western part of the state. This is the western corner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So, yeah, this. This makes it. This is where the hippies live.

[B]

That's where the hippies are.

[A]

Yeah, this is. This is like the hippie area. Yeah.

[B]

We're left in Charlotte. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Well, everything's left of Charlotte.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

But, yeah, no, this is. This is. We're out. Yeah. You see, Asheville is. It's. It's southwest of Asheville, but this is also one of those areas that got heavily hit by that hurricane last year.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So this is. But this area in general, where the Biltmore is and all that different stuff. This area in general, whenever people talk me on North Carolina and they'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm from North Carolina. But, you know, I'm different. I'm like, you're from. So you're from Asheville.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So Asheville is very much like the way people used to talk about Austin, Texas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Asheville was like that. This is where I know I've been Asheville.

[B]

I loved it.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Because it's a hippieville.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, there's the.

[B]

I also was in Austin in the early aughts, and it was incredible.

[A]

Yeah. Before super weird.

[B]

And I liked it.

[A]

Yeah. And now they still sell Keep Austin Weird shirts.

[B]

And it's not weird. No, it's just I went to a bar in Austin, Texas. Any listener from Austin, Texas, let me know if it's still there or if I'm in the wrong city. I really think I was in Austin. It was called the Laundromat. And when you went in, it was a Laundromat. A full service Laundromat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then there was like a door in the back, and when you went through that door, it was a bar.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you could do your laundry and then drink in this bar. It was very, a very cool.

[A]

There was a few of those places actually that popped up. I remember them being in. There was a few in South Carolina as well, and North Carolina. And it was like they're usually near college towns because they need laundromats more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was like, oh yeah. And like college kids have the extra money. I'm like, no. But like out when we were with normal working class people who need to use a laundromat, they don't have an extra money to get hammered while waiting for their laundry.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. There's other things to do.

[A]

There's other things to do and pay for. Okay, back to the story.

[B]

So back to the story. She drops off the stuff she's doing. She's going to ending this catering gig. Pretty simple job. And she's serving the food. She's like, she makes the food and then she serves it. If it's like a big event, she will hire college kids to come help her serve the food. But this was like a smaller thing. It's like one table of people. And during this dinner there's a guy at the table who's like checking her out. All right. And this we find out. His name is Tyler Hughes. And Claire is like again, very standoffish. Write it down, Tyler. And she's standoffish and also shy because of it. And he's like openly flirting with her. And she's like blushing, but also like flustered. And like she's not interested also in talking to any guys because again, she doesn't want to mess up her routine. So she's just like, yeah, great. No thanks. And so after dinner, she's packing up her van and in the back of the kitchen area and Tyler is out back and he's leaning against like this tree. And he's like, hey, wait, wait, hold on, Let me talk to you, baby. They didn't say baby. He's very polite. And she's like, listen, I gotta go.

[A]

Excuse me, ma'. Am. Yeah, you wanna have a little conversation with me underneath this willow?

[B]

And he's like, wait, wait, wait. Do you have a light? And then Claire closes her eyes because she's immediately like fuckin Evan now. And she's like, yup. And she reaches into her pocket and there's this yellow Bic lighter. Ah.

[A]

I like that. I like that. Can I tell you something right now? This is whimsigoth Hallmark.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Whimsigoth Hallmark, baby. Yeah. We're going with it. Dude, this is whimsigoth Hallmark all day. And you. By the way, you try to say this, this is spooky. But can I tell you something?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We got. We got whimsy, goth witchery. That's right there.

[B]

They have a conversation.

[A]

I bet they have a conversation.

[B]

Begrudgingly.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. How does the conversation go?

[B]

We find out that Tyler is actually her next door neighbor.

[A]

Shut the fuck up.

[B]

Because the house next door to hers had been like up for sale. And he had. I don't know if he rented or bought it, whatever. But he's one of the new professors at the college, so he had just moved in. But again, Claire's in her own little bubble, so she didn't fucking notice. She got a new neighbor.

[A]

Yeah. And she was a sexy college professor neighbor. And he's super into her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he smokes cigarettes because he's cool.

[B]

He's got like long curly ish hair.

[A]

Oh, what a bitch. Oh, no. I. How dare I ever upset my routine?

[B]

And so he's like, yeah. So she's like, I never saw you around. Ba Ba.

[A]

Can I tell you something real quick? If Claire worked at a bowling alley, you would have been clocked head to toe. Clocked, motherfucker. So keep reading about our meet cute. How'd our meet cute go with this long haired man who smoked cigarettes who hits on her when she's actually in a place right now where she doesn't want to date.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh? Keep. Keep yapping.

[B]

So she drives home. Beep beep. And she parks her van out front.

[A]

And you know this. This book is our bottle of wine that reminds us of better times.

[B]

But this book is a bottle of rose geranium wine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so she parks her car and she sees someone sitting on her porch. And she can't like really make out who it is. But as she gets out of the car, she realized it's Evan now. And this is late at night at this point. And she's like, Evan. L. What are you doing? Why are you out here? And she's like, I have something I need to give you and I need to do it immediately. And Claire is panicked because, like, Evan l shouldn't be out this late at night.

[A]

It's a Magnum condom.

[B]

Whoa. And she's like, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Why are you out here?

[A]

Three Magnum condom.

[B]

Tyler packing heat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she's like, how long have you been out here? And she's like, I don't know, like an hour or so. Baba.

[A]

She's not that good of a psychic.

[B]

Yeah, but she's. She's like, listen, I just want to get you this stuff so I can go home and go to bed. I don't even want to be here anymore.

[A]

She could have just left it in.

[B]

A bag, but she can't. That's the whole thing is like she needs to hand it to the person.

[A]

Yeah. Her hyper fixation means that she needs to see it go into their hand.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so also her mind is reeling. Her mind won't stop until this, like, thing happens.

[A]

Yeah, got it.

[B]

So she's like, I just got to give you this stuff.

[A]

You know, people used to all be like this before we were over medicated. And that's why I support RFK Jr. His fight.

[B]

And so she hands her. It's kind of like a big stack. It's. She's like, listen, just. She's like, come in the house. And she's carrying in a thing of fresh sheets and pop Tarts. And Claire is like, you could have called. And she's like, no, she's like, I want to come pick him up. And she's like, nope, doesn't work like that. And, you know, I don't know why, but I have to do it. And she's like, do you want to spend the night? Like you have sheets, like, just spend the night. And she's like, no, I'm tired. I just want to go home. And she's like, okay, I'll drive you. And so she drives her home. Whatever. Next chapter. And we're gonna go in the next chapter. We're actually going back in time to 10 days earlier.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay, we're back in time. Now we're introduced in this chapter to Sidney. Now remember, Sidney is the name of Claire's younger sister. And Sydney is walking over her to her daughter's bed. And she's whispering. She's like, wake up, honey. Wake up. Shh. Gotta get up. And as soon as she says that, her daughter opens her eyes and puts her finger over. She puts her finger over her daughter's mouth and is like, shh. We're gonna leave. And we don't want Susan to see, so remember to be quiet. Just like we planned. Now, her daughter's name is bae. B A Y, but it's pronounced like bae, like, she's my bae.

[A]

Yeah, I get that.

[B]

And we get a little information about Sydney.

[A]

How old's bae?

[B]

I feel like she's five.

[A]

Okay. I'm just trying.

[B]

I think I wrote it down somewhere. Later.

[A]

I just Want a picture? I'm just trying to get a picture of the kid, you know? And like, keeping a five year old quiet from wake up is crazy.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Crazy opportunity.

[A]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna go five or six.

[B]

Five or six. I feel like that is. And I. I know that I wrote it down later in this something. So it's Claire's sister who left North Carolina and went right to New York, lived with some actors for a while, then went to Chicago, lived with a man who stole cars for a living, that went to San Francisco, then she changed her name to Cindy Watkins and she moved to Vegas and became a waitress.

[A]

Mm. So inside of you there are two wolves. One is named Claire and the other one is named Sidney. And somehow they are both Mrs. Pearl Mania. This is fucking insane. I also am going off the dichotomy though, of clearly Cindy. Claire lived the crazy life with her mom very young and Sidney had the stable one. Yeah. So Claire understood and respected the stable life, while Sydney rebelled against it, I'm.

[B]

Guessing, and wanted to be cool like her mom.

[A]

Like her mom who. Who died. Yeah. And I've seen this happen with other people where it's especially like when you have like the two parents and the one is never around. So you mythologize them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the mom got mythologized, I'm assuming in Sydney's. Mom's. In Sydney's brain. Her mom was. Did no wrong or lived this wild life that it was the one that she should be attaining for.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And ended up accidentally kind of mirroring that entire life completely and learned none of the lessons from her mom because her mom wasn't around and she was basing her entire life on a myth.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

Clocked it.

[A]

Yep. So delete that section of the read through.

[B]

So she goes to Vegas and then she ends up in Seattle. And when she's in Seattle, she gets a job at this restaurant called David's on the Bay. And she was immediately attracted to the owner, David. He is very handsome and powerful.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

And she thought that powerful men were thrilling. And after about six months of dating, he started leaving bruises on her, following her to the grocery store. It was, you know, awful. And ended up. She got pregnant and had a baby and things got exponentially worse.

[A]

Yeah, that's how they do.

[B]

And so she's been in this horribly abusive relationship for a long time now, and she's been trying to get away. And one of the hurdles is that they live in this brownstone. Right. Type of brownstone. House. And then next door neighbor is this older woman. And David pays the older woman to monitor the comings and goings of his wife and child. So, like, whenever she leaves or comes into the house, the woman will, like, call David and be like, she, you know, just, you know, she's heading to the playground or she's just taking the baby to school or, like, whatever. So there's this awful woman that's next to her that's calling David.

[A]

Can I tell you, this is what AI has taken from us. It's another job.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because now that would just be done by a ring cam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, that's crazy.

[B]

I ruined another job.

[A]

That's so crazy. An old lady used to sit there next to her phone and watch the front door of her neighbor's house.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

While probably having Price is Right playing on a TV next to it. Oh, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what? It's. Every time she's ever tried to, like, get away, this. A call would be made and there would be many negative consequences. Right. So anyway, Sidney was taking BAE to the. To the playground. Like, she. She had. BAE has a normal, Ish life.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's just obviously it's really claustrophobic because of the grips that David has. And the other thing is that David's always going out of town because, like, he flies back to the restaurant or he flies to la, and so there's times where he's not around anyway. But he has, like, spies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sydney was at the playground. She would go there quite often, and she met other moms and many other moms just kind of like turned a blind eye or didn't notice what was going on. But there was this one lady who immediately clocked what the was going on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, she could see by Sydney's behavior and Bay's behavior that what was going on at home was dark. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Her name's Greta.

[A]

Love a Greta Lava.

[B]

Greta. And so Greta built some trust with Sydney and is very much like, how can I help? And they come up with a plan, an escape plan. And basically, Sydney hoards away a little bit of cash here and there when she can from, like, groceries, like, skimming from the top. And then she gets some money together with Greta. And Greta's gonna buy her an old car that's like, in her name that has no ties in to Sydney. And they have this whole plan. Sydney's gonna sneak out with bae around, like 4am And Greta's gonna show up with this car and, like, hand over the keys. And then in the Middle of the night, they're gonna drive back to North Carolina from the West Coast. From the West Coast. No strings attached. Got it, Got it. And so we're in this chapter. We're following this, like, intense moment. And, like, they get out there, they. They sneak by, and the car's not there. They're panicking. Sydney's trying not. Sydney's trying to hold together and not cry for her daughter. And, like, just be like. But. And then Greta shows up. She's like, I'm so sorry. I couldn't find fucking parking. I've been circling the block. I was like, yeah, inner city life, babe. And so, yeah, she gets in the car and they start driving.

[A]

Okay, great. And now, within the tone of the book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's because up until this point, it's been, like, very cozy. Like, you had that. You have the shock at the very beginning of that scary story of her and her sister.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then this middle, this whole time before, it felt very. What's that farm game? The farm game.

[B]

I'm thinking of the one that people play on Facebook.

[A]

No, not Farmville. There's the other farm game. It's like a. It's a. Like a Super Nintendo style farm game that's very popular. Stardew Valley.

[B]

Stardew Valley.

[A]

It feels very Stardew Valley, like, but established. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, it feels like an escape movie.

[B]

D Seattle.

[A]

Yeah, but 4:00am yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It has, like, this tonal shift.

[B]

Very hard, very much.

[A]

And I'm gonna guess this is who the sheets and Pop Tarts are for.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And we're gonna find out if I'm right right after this.

[B]

All right, Mrs. P. So the next morning, Claire. We're back at Claire's. Wakes up early because she needs to get out into the garden to get mint because she has another catering gig to set up. And while she's out there, she spots some ivy growing. And she's like, I gotta pull the fucking weeds. And then she's like, better get on it.

[A]

Once you get ivy.

[B]

Oh, my God, get the ivy. And so she's like, I don't pull these weeds. And then she looks over and she realizes that she might have left her fence open. And then all of a sudden, Tyler walks in carrying a box of apples. And he's like, hey. And she's immediately startled because, like, people don't come into her garden. And he's like, all these apples were on my lawn. I wanted to bring them over to you because I know they're from Your big old tree I can see. And he's like, I have no idea how they got here because like his lawn is really far away from this apple tree.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she's like, oh, must have been the wind. Whatever. But the thing is, we find out that the, the. The apple tree is magic. Okay.

[A]

Magic tree.

[B]

And one of the things is the tree actually throws apples.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

It's whole personality. Is it God and wings. Apples.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so the tree has been winging apples onto his lawn all night because it wants him to bring the apples back.

[A]

Got it. Because that tree is trying to give her love. Because it's a giving tree.

[B]

Son of a bitch. And so like when she was little, she'd wake up in the morning and find apples in her bedroom because it had like thrown them through the window. Okay. Like this. So this tree just be winging apples.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

What? It wants to.

[A]

Got it, got it, got it. I love a living tree.

[B]

A living tree.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he's like, oh. He's like, oh. You know, it's also strange. Like we have apple trees at the school. At the school. But like they're not making apples right now. And she's like, yeah, just like the, the breed of the tree just blooms differently. Whatever.

[A]

Magic.

[B]

She doesn't say that. And so he like walks around and they're still talking. And like, she's just like kind of like trying to like get away from him. And she's like. He's like, yes, so, but like, who's out front? I saw people moving in, like, do you have like people coming over? And she's like, what are you talking about? And he's like, I saw people out front with boxes. So she's like, huh? And so she walks around the house and there's a five year old little girl there it is playing airplane on the lawn, like doing the. And a very thin, almost sickly looking woman leaning against the car watching the little girl. And as soon as Claire sees her, she's like, it looks like the ghost of her sister, Sidney. This is not the Sidney she knows specifically. She clocks that Sydney's hair looks really bad. And Sidney would never let herself have bad hair. She takes her hair very seriously. And also there's some food on her shirt. And she's like, no, Sydney is. Was very well dressed. She cared very deeply about how she looked. This is what is wrong with my sister. Immediately. And immediately she's like runs over to her and she's like, oh my God. And Sydney's like, oh my God. Claire.

[A]

Where?

[B]

And Claire's like, where have you been? And Claire's and Sydney's like, everywhere. Because again, this is when we find out that they have not seen each other in, like, 10 years.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Because, like, when she left, she left. And she didn't tell her sister where she was going.

[A]

She just vanished.

[B]

She just vanished.

[A]

Got it. And this is part of the dream, too, of the mom taking the sister and her grabbing onto the mom's leg. Because again, the sister was dragged away by the idea of the mother and the mythology of the mom. Am I right?

[B]

I. Maybe I'm not telling you if you're right this early in the game.

[A]

I mean, I feel like we. I think I am.

[B]

So Claire is like, this is. This must have been what grandma felt like when Lorelei showed up to her doorstep with a 6 year old. Because now we find out that the mom's name is Lorelei, and it's all this. Claire is feeling all this relief and anger and sadness and panic all at the same time. Like, she's so happy. She's really mad. She's so sad that her sister looks. She's sad she doesn't know her niece. Like, yeah, all this stuff, like, all these immediate feelings.

[A]

Meanwhile, sexy Tyler's still in the backyard holding a box of apples.

[B]

Yeah. And Sydney is like, oh, my God, the house looks great. Like you did you put a new coat of paint and the roof repairs look great. It's so wonderful. And she's like, when did you get all this done? And Claire's like, oh, well, I used grandma's life insurance money to do the remodel. And Cindy's like, oh, my God, when did she pass away? And Claire's like, she died 10 years ago on Christmas Eve, right after you left that same year. And I couldn't tell you. I didn't know how to contact you. No one knew where you went. And Sydney, kind of like, in a little bit of a way, it's like grandma knew where I went. And she's like, I told her where I was going. So Claire's like, okay. And she's like, I went to. I went to New York. And she's like, where have you been in New York the whole time? And she's like, no, I've been everywhere. I've been traveling around just like mom. And immediately Claire's like, like, what? You don't. This is not the. Whatever. Like, they both obviously, like you were saying, she has a different view of her mother and her mother's behavior.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. 100. And this is. This is one of those things that happens especially for the child that did not have the experience with the person.

[B]

Yeah. Many people have siblings, have different experiences with their parents.

[A]

No, I know that. I'm saying though. But I'm saying one who didn't have any experience with it because I'm assuming that Lorelei leaves while Sydney is incredibly young. Like the point where you don't even have memories about that person. So that's a completely different look on things. I'm speaking about this from experience. Yeah. And from people inside my own family. So, like, this is just like I'm. This is very familiar for me.

[B]

Yeah. So Sydney is like, we need to stay here for a little while. And this pings something in Claire's brain. And she kind of blurts out, like, you can't leave your daughter here. And Sydney is immediately filled with rage. And like, is like, I would never do that. And like, again, we're seeing this as like, Claire is like, you want to be like mom and you're gonna just abandon your child here? But Sydney is like, I'm nothing like mom. I would never abandon my child. But. But they, again, they haven't talked in 10 years. So they're like coming at each other like two cats, you know what I mean?

[A]

They're also probably picking up a conversation that was left off 10 years ago.

[B]

Exactly. By children.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. And so then Claire immediately is just like, have you guys had breakfast yet? And she yells over to BAE and she's like, hey, bae, do you like strawberry Pop tarts? And they're like. And she's like, these are the strawberry Pop Tarts are my favorite Pop Tarts. And so they all are walking into the house and Claire's walking in the house ahead of them. Sydney is like, starts kind of quizzing BAE under her breath and is like, where were you born? And BAE says, on a Greyhound bus and who is your dad? And she goes, I don't know. And like. So like, there. There's been a conversation. We're finding out about how she's been training her on what to say. And so they go and they have Pop Tarts and coffee and they show BAE her bedroom, which is Sydney's childhood room. And basically, like, Claire is getting BAE comfortable. Sydney goes back to a bedroom and has a nice panic cry and falls asleep under the crushing weight of the anxiety she's been feeling for 10 fucking days. Yeah. Because again, it was a 10 day drive and falls asleep, which is a bit long.

[A]

You can listen if you if you really want to do it, you can do it in four.

[B]

Not with a five year old. You got to take more breaks. The pee breaks alone.

[A]

If I'm fleeing an abusive husband, I'll do it in four.

[B]

Pea bricks.

[A]

That all? That astronaut lady.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

So she put on the diapers.

[B]

Okay. Next chapter opens, and it's Evanelle talking to herself about the art of the male posterior. Thanks for the opening. I've love you. And we cut to Sidney waking up and thinking she's only been asleep for like 2. 2 hours. And she heads downstairs and she finds Claire has, like, made all this food and BAE is helping cook. And we find out that Sydney actually fell asleep for 26 hours. And they just let her. Claire just let her sleep. She's like, I can handle the child. It's fine.

[A]

Yeah, handling a five year old's a little bit easier. But also on top of that. Yeah. The emotional, like, collapse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of being that hyper vigilant for that long.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's gotta be crazy.

[B]

Crushing. Yeah, no use crushed under that. You go to sleep. You go to sleep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So Sydney, she makes coffee, and then Claire has made some fresh lavender bread. And Claire asks her if. And she does it in that way of like. She's like, oh, you know, I was gonna hire some college kids to work this catering event, but if you. If you need. If you would want to, I'd be happy to pay you to work for this catering event for me. Because she can immediately tell that her sister needs money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. So she's like, I'll. I'll hire you.

[A]

Well, she showed up in a used car that I'm guessing they bought for under 1800 bucks. Yeah. She's rail thin. Looks like a ghost. Yeah. And she has a daughter that no one's ever mentioned before. Yeah. Yeah, I think she needs money.

[B]

And so we also find out during this conversation while they're having coffee and bread that BAE always has a sense about where things belong. So, like, when Claire would be like, hey, can you get me a fork? BAE would go to the right drawer and be like, oh, yeah, no, that's just where forks belong. Of course. Like, BAE doesn't have to ask you where things are. She knows where things belong. And so there's this sub. Is this storyline.

[A]

Is this. Is this magic or is this just autism? Like, I'm sorry. Oh, she has pattern recognition. Like, magic. Like, what the fuck are we talking about here? I understand that saying she has a sense of where things belong sounds magical because you put it into magical terms. But this just sounds like a series of autistic women inside a small North Carolina town who just have a lot of the ability. Survival instincts. Yeah, that's what it sounds like to me. I mean, like.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. Through the. Through the entire book, I didn't really get into it too much because I wanted to. I have to cut things for time. But BAE does make a lot of, like, you belong here. Like, to. Or like, we belong here. Like, there's a moment where BAE intuitively knows that when she gets to the Waverly house, like, no, this is where we belong and we're staying here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, it's like, it happens a lot through the story.

[A]

Yeah. But. But.

[B]

Okay, I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just telling.

[A]

I know that. I know. I understand that. I understand that. What I'm also saying, though, is in this whimsy goth Hallmark story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You need to have the character that says that, but also in storytelling in general. Right. This is very tiny, Tim. God bless us, everyone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where it's like, from the mouth of babes. Look at how pure and innocent it comes out. Look, Sydney, you should be staying here in North Carolina instead of fleeing away into the. The.

[B]

The. The.

[A]

The hidden depths of New York City.

[B]

And if we don't get a Christmas goose, he's gonna die.

[A]

Yeah. So the magic of Christmas has brought together Auntie Claire and. And sexy Tyler. And Evelyn's out here in the corner. Oh. And now that we have it in at the couch, I can look at butts as they sit in chairs.

[B]

So later, Sydney is outside with bae, and BAE is doing cartwheels, and she sees Evan L. Walking up the block with a big bag.

[A]

Seriously, though, how do we become Hallmark level movie producers? I want to produce this movie. I want to make a whimsy goth Hallmark movie like this, where it has these little bits of moments of darkness, but then the light bursts through.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's set in 2007. A magical time. Right before the fucking iPhone showed up.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

It's perfect.

[B]

Yeah. I still had a slide.

[A]

I know. We're halfway through, babe. Right? We're about halfway through this book.

[B]

Sort of. Kind of.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm in love with it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I could. I know exactly where all this is going. It's comfortable. It's familiar.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I want to produce this. I want to make this into. I don't even know how to make it into a movie, but I just want to buy the rights.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Then I want to. I want to shop the rights around. Be like, you guys want to make this movie? I don't even. I can't even picture the actresses.

[B]

So let me give you a quick description of what, what we look like here. Claire is described as looking very snow white esque. Light features, but real dark hair.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She has really long, dark, dark brown, almost black hair that goes down to like, almost her butt. And like, it's described by Sidney in the book as like, she hides behind her hair. Like, her hair is so big that she's hiding herself in it. Yet another way to like, protect herself.

[A]

What ages do we think, think these people are, though?

[B]

I think they're. We're in our late 20s, late 20s.

[A]

Late 20s, I would say maybe Claire I would do is early 30s. And then Sydney I would do as in like mid to late. Like, I would do like Sydney 27.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would do Claire at like 31, 32. Where it's like that, that edge of like, is she gonna go spinster? Maybe she'll never actually meet a guy. Look, she made it all the way through her 20s, and then she's not nailed down. Names were a different way. And everyone's like, oh, my God, 32. What a hag. And she's like, I'm 32. 32. 32's not old. That's. It's young.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But the. Here we are at 41 being like, that's young. 32. Look at her with all that. All that future ahead of her.

[B]

Oh, look at all her. With all that knee joint meat.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Not bone on bone like some of us over here.

[B]

And then Sydney has, like, I would say like a. A golden blondie hair.

[A]

Okay, so it's Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock.

[B]

Yeah, them.

[A]

It's Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. She just wrote them. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. You can do that. That's fine.

[B]

I might have described this as practical magic.

[A]

It is practical.

[B]

I was like, this is a retelling of.

[A]

Yeah, I know it's a. For a new generation. And I'm saying is like, I don't know who the modern actresses that I would use to insert into this. Yeah, I would have to play around with that quite a bit because we'll.

[B]

We have a little bit more story. We'll decide. We'll figure it out by the end.

[A]

I don't. I don't think I will because I just don't follow modern actors in that way. Oh, and so, like, that's what I'm saying.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Okay. So I. And so what I'm saying is, if you have an idea of who you would cast on this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Go to Pearl Mania500.net go down to the comment section and type it in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or type it into our Patreon chat.

[B]

Tell us who we're casting. Who's going to be Evanelle. That's what's important. That's. That's who's important. I think it's the lady from Hacks. The older lady.

[A]

No, she's not little.

[B]

Oh, you're picturing her as little.

[A]

They said 79, but looks 100. That means little because old people that get that old shrink.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

I need her to be. And. And like, she's a butt height. She's at butt height. Little. Right. So I'm picturing like five foot or under.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She might be Sabrina Carpenter size.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

We're talking about pocket size.

[B]

Little old lady size. Grandma.

[A]

I mean, instantly, I'm picturing the mom from Golden Girls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But Southern. She's Sicilian.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was her whole thing was. She was. You think?

[B]

I don't know. She's Silian.

[A]

But that's who. That's. That's immediately. That's it. But like, with that same sort of hairstyle. Yeah. That, like, Golden Girls hairstyle was very popular for super old ladies in North Carolina, especially around this time. So there's like, a few things like that. I'm trying to picture this. It's got to be somebody tiny and old.

[B]

Tiny and old.

[A]

Tiny and old. And I just don't have them on the tip of my tongue. Right.

[B]

Well, that's because actresses after 40 have to. To just be put out to pasture. We don't know any older actresses because they don't exist.

[A]

Oh, that's right. So Anne Hathaway. God, we'll have Anne Hathaway play even. Even now.

[B]

And Hathaway will play. Well, you know who's really good at taking roles that don't match? Scarlett Johanneson. So anyway.

[A]

Yeah. You know what? You know what? A bad producer would make Claire Anne Hathaway and then make Sidney Scarlett Johansson.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

If I was a bad producer.

[B]

Yeah. This. I want to say this. I love Anne Hathaway. I watch all Anna.

[A]

I think both of these people are fin. Actresses.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think they're great. I'm saying they don't fit for this story.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

Because I think Claire needs to have a reserved, normal. Normalness to her that, like An Anne Hathaway just doesn't have. Yeah, like, when I see Anne Hathaway, I'm like. When they're like, oh, yeah, and here's. Here's Anne Hathaway working as a hostess at a bar. No, you wouldn't.

[B]

No, no, not at all.

[A]

No, no, no. You have too much pretty privilege for that. That is a job that you wouldn't have after the age of 20. Okay. Because somebody would have swooped in and been like, here's a lot of money.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That's just how that goes. I'm sorry. That's just how that goes. Back to the story.

[B]

Back to the story. Okay, so base. Doing cartwheels. Avanel's on her way up. She's. Avenel walks past Tyler's house and gives him a big. He gives him a bunch of, like, lawn care bags. Like the kind where I throw all the leaves.

[A]

I like that she just keeps giving out Chekhov guns. Yeah, that's what Evan. L's job is. Hi, I'm that Chekoff's gun producer.

[B]

Yeah. She shows up and.

[A]

Hello. Here's some foreshadowing. Goodbye.

[B]

Goodbye. So she gives them some lawn clipping bags. And then she greets Sydney, who's out in the porch and is like, I have this piece of paper for you. And so she hands it to her and it has Tyler's number written on it. So she went over there, gave him these lawn clipping bags, and then said, hey, can I have your phone number? And she didn't tell him what it was for, and then hands it to Sydney when she gets over the house. And Sydney's like, whoa, whoa, no, thank you. And Evan's like, no, that's not. I'm not trying to set you guys up. I just need to give this to you. Okay? So it's like. It's not that. She's like, you need this.

[A]

Good. Because there was a minute there where I was like, don't you.

[B]

Don't you dare.

[A]

Don't you dare pit these sisters against each other. No, number one, Sidney should not get in a new relationship right now. She needs time to deal with the fallout of this divorce. Fleeing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And she doesn't need to be obsessing over another man right now. I was about to get real mad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm happy, okay. I'm happy that even. Even. L was like, what the.

[B]

No, that's not what I meant.

[A]

No, you didn't have your next door neighbor's phone number in case of emergencies?

[B]

Yeah, no, but literally, yes. You just clocked it.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Okay, so Eva tells Sid. They're sitting outside and, like, just, like, sitting on the porch talking after, like, the thing. And Evanelle, like, kind of just like, stops and looks at her, like, holds eye contact. And it's very, like, very much like, you are very brave for what you've done. Like, she just knows immediately. She can. She's. She's reading the room. She's like, you're very brave. Yeah. She doesn't need to be told.

[A]

That's not. By the way, just so you know, that's not magic.

[B]

It's not magic. I know. I didn't say it was magic.

[A]

I know. I'm just letting you. I'm letting the listeners know. Everything else is that sometimes you can just look at a person and you can just tell. Yeah. They just went through hell. Yeah. And they sometimes just need to be told. Just existing is brave.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Waking up every fucking day is brave sometimes in this fucking world.

[A]

Yeah, 100%. And to our listeners, congratulations. You're very brave.

[B]

You did it. I'm so proud of you.

[A]

We are.

[B]

So let's remember to eat and drink some water and be brave.

[A]

And if you're at work right now, get up from your desk and take a go. Just get up your desk. Take a lap around the office.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just. Just give it a little stroll. Just stroll around. Go over and pretend you're gonna pour a coffee. Don't. Don't you need to stretch your legs?

[B]

Go fart near the person you hate the most in the office. Yeah. Crap. Dust them. So they go. And they work this catering gig. It goes well. And when they get home that night, Claire is being weird in a very. You're gonna love this. Claire has this need to be hyper independent, and she doesn't like asking for help. So, like, she. She's okay with paying Sidney to help her do one task, but Sydney keeps offering to help do other things. Like, not paid. Just like, no, let me help you. And Claire, like, bristles every time she's offered help.

[A]

Yeah. You want to sit in that for a minute?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Do you want to sit in that? You want to process that about yourself for a minute?

[B]

No.

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

So Claire's refusing to help. So Sydney's, like, bored and is like, I'm just gonna go next door. And so she's like, goes and knocks on Tyler's door and. And she is like, hey. They have, like, this conversation, and she's like, listen. I know. I can tell just by the way you look. At my sister. You're interested in my sister? I'm not here to, like, do anything. I just want to, like, talk because my sister's being fucking weird and I've had a long fucking day and they end up becoming buds and they're like, you want to order a pizza?

[A]

Wait, who. Who went over is Claire. Sydney.

[B]

Sydney goes over to hang out.

[A]

Got it. Got it.

[B]

And this establishes that. That Sydney and Tyler are just bros. Got it. They're bros.

[A]

They got it. 100 clocking it.

[B]

Yeah. So.

[A]

And I am. I'm a heavy believer that men and women can just be friends.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

I know there is a school of people out there who do not believe.

[B]

That that is a school of men that don't understand that women are people.

[A]

Yes. That's also a school of internalized misogyny inside of women as well. Yeah, it's a two way street. Yeah, it's a two way street that I've hear this all the entire time. And as somebody who has a lot of female friends and a lot of friends who are women.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That is possible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All you have to do is view them as people.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And that's it.

[B]

White.

[A]

And also, it's. I will say for Sydney, it has to have been. Had to have been a crazy move after what she's going through with her husband.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To, like, go and become friends with a dude, like, the trust level has to be crazy.

[B]

Yeah, she's. And also, I think she's just like, I just need to get away from my fucking sister.

[A]

And like.

[B]

And.

[A]

And like, for real, though, like, how kind are Tyler's eyes?

[B]

They're so kind. I need to tell you.

[A]

That's what I mean.

[B]

He's an art teacher at a college.

[A]

He's an art teacher?

[B]

Yeah, babe. Yeah, he's an art teacher.

[A]

Sexy. Tyler is sexy.

[B]

So, you know, like, his clothes are like corduroy pants.

[A]

What was the name of the guy that died in the last book? Remember we kept yelling, I needed him to die.

[B]

Oh, I don't even remember.

[A]

It's the opposite of that for me here. I need Tyler. I need. Need. I need someone to fuck Tyler.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

I need Tyler to get. I need Tyler to get a good time.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Okay. Claire needs it too.

[B]

Okay. I was also. I have a thought of who I thought Tyler was the whole time, and I can't remember. What's the cop show that Mandy Patinkin was on?

[A]

Homeland.

[B]

No, was that.

[A]

Oh, wait, no, the other one. You talk about Criminal Minds.

[B]

Criminal Minds. The. The. The Sciency smart guy from. Okay. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Not the tall one.

[B]

Criminal minds.

[A]

Not the tall one with the longer hair.

[B]

Yes, Dr. Spencer Reed. I. It's full. Dr. Spence Reed. Babe, I'm gonna tell you something. Don't give me those eyes. Look at me. Look at me. Do you remember how wrong you were about Stanley Tucci? I'm telling you that the gals love Dr. Spencer Reed. There are cap cuts on Tick tock You're gonna get now because I've said it out loud near your phone of how hot people think Dr. Spencer Reed is. I picture him as Dr. Spencer Reed the whole time.

[A]

That's fine. I was gonna go with more of a pottery wheel guy.

[B]

A pottery wheel guy?

[A]

Yeah, because I wanted him to have some muscles.

[B]

No, he is not Derrick Morgan. He is Dr. Spencer Reid.

[A]

No, I wasn't gonna make him Derek Morgan. You said he had long ringlets of hair. Yeah, I know. I think I. We're in a different world here.

[B]

Okay, so across town, we're gonna introduce ourselves to a new character.

[A]

Okay, well, first thing we're gonna do is we're gonna introduce ourselves to some ads.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Because I need to take a break.

[B]

I need a sip water too, before we get into this new character.

[A]

A new character appears. A new bombshell has entered the villa.

[B]

So on the nose. Okay, so. So across town, Emma Clark. This is our new character. Emma Clark has no idea her life is about to be flipped upside down. She is from the Clark family. Okay, remember how I told you, like, all the families have lore?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The Clark family lore is that they are known for their sexual prowess.

[A]

What?

[B]

And they always marry. Well, the women of the Clark family are, like, very hypersexual. And like, her mom taught her how to have sex good. So she get a good husband, which is very young. Okay, that's their thing. That's their thing. Now she's married to Hunter John Madison, who's the biggest catch in town. Hunter John.

[A]

Hunter John.

[B]

I swear to God. Hunter John. And so we find out that in high school, Hunter John was in love with Sidney Waverly. And Emma's mother told her that she had to befriend Sidney so she could stay close to Hunter because she wanted her daughter to marry rich. Hunter's parents own a manufactured house. Manufactured houses. Company. And they were the richest family in town. So her mother had been setting them up since they were toddlers. So, like, she always made sure that the Clarks and Madisons went on family vacations together. They were always at the same country club. The whole thing that rich people do. Okay, so anyway, Sid and Hunter dated all through high school, and they're both head over heels and for each other. But Sid didn't know the rules of the wealthy people in town, right, because she's a Waverly. She's not one of the wealthy families. And so at graduation, Hunter broke up with her because he needed to focus on his career goals. Like, his family made it very clear that they were okay with him fooling around with Sydney in high school, but as soon as he graduated, he needed to, like, focus up and not date the riff raff from the local town. Got it.

[A]

Yep. No. Yeah, I've seen this trope.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. So after the breakup, Sid runs away to New York, right?

[A]

This is what center.

[B]

This. This is.

[A]

This is one of the. This is one of the tricks.

[B]

One of the litifiers.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Now, when Sydney runs away to New York after this breakup, Emma starts courting Hunter John immediately. And there's like, a point in their dating or, like, dating relationship where Hunter starts kind of romanticizing what he believes to be Sid's life. And he's like, maybe Sidney had the right idea. Maybe I should leave this dumb town and everything behind. And Emma hearing this is like, okay, game plan change. And she stops taking her birth control and gets pregnant. And they're married, they have two kids, they live in a big mansion. The whole thing. Baby trap. He got baby trapped.

[A]

He got baby trapped. That's crazy. She sperm jacked him.

[B]

Sperm jacked?

[A]

Yeah. That's what. That's what, like, people who hate women say on the Internet. They're like. They try to sperm jack you.

[B]

Those are the same guys that, like, throw sperm at people at grocery stores.

[A]

No, no, these are the ones. There was this whole thing a while ago where they had this belief that women would drug men and literally steal their sperm and do artificial insemination to force them into child support payments.

[B]

Oh, my God, they're so dumb.

[A]

It was one of those weird.

[B]

This is not whimsigoth at all. It's not.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

Anyway, cut to today, and Emma and Hunter are getting ready to go to a fundraising ball. And they're all dolled up. She's wearing a beautiful Dr. And.

[A]

Who is catering the fundraising ball? Who is catering the fundraising ball, Babe.

[B]

So they get to the fundraising ball, the big ball. They're all dressed up, they're having a great time, and they run into Eliza Buford. Now, Eliza Buford is the town gossip, of course.

[A]

That's. That.

[B]

That is Eliza Buford, this.

[A]

Can I tell you something right now? If this was played by animals, like puppets of animals, Eliza Beaufort would be a very nosy sheep. Oh, I can already picture her just like so white and woolly and being like, bah. Sydney's back.

[B]

I pictured this woman as. Hold on, I'm gonna find the actress's name. Okay. Do you remember there. Wait, no. There were in the movie Cruella. They made the like live action Cruella. Never saw it With Emma Stone. Yeah, there's a woman that. The woman that plays the Cruella in that. Okay, no, Cruella is Emma Stone. There's a woman that plays the fashion designer that's like bullying her. That's who I pictured playing this specific character. Okay, anyway, that's for the listeners now. Eliza's the gossiper and she's like, I don't want to do a Southern Emma Thompson. No, Emma Thompson. That lady next to her. Yeah, Emma Thompson.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm picturing Emma Thompson with dark slicked back hair and she's Eliza Buford. That's. I just high pictured her.

[A]

Okay, well, you're wrong.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

You're wrong. That's just. Emma Thompson is not Southern. You're not make. You're not.

[B]

She can do an accent.

[A]

She can't. No, not. She doesn't have to look for this.

[B]

She does.

[A]

She.

[B]

In that movie. She does.

[A]

I'm telling you right now, okay? You are talking about London high society. We are talking about western North Carolina in the mountains. You are. You are picturing the wrong place, lady.

[B]

Anyway, she says, oh, my God, I am so excited you are here. I can't wait to hear what you think. And Emma's like, what are you talking about? And Eliza's like, what do you mean? Haven't you heard? Sydney Waverly is back in town. And Emma has like, deer in headlights eyes and she's like, oh, my God, that's so crazy. And let me. And she like, politely excuses herself from Eliza and she has to go talk to her mom. And she's like, mom, I'm so concerned.

[A]

Can you tell someone? She was like, sidney Waverly's in town.

[B]

And. And she's like, mom, I'm so nervous. I'm so concerned. And her mother is like, you should be. This is very. You know, this is not good. First loves are very powerful. And she basically is like, you better fuck the shit out of your husband till he forgets Sidney is alive.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

That's the prescription given by mother.

[A]

Also, why did you turn into Parker Posey from White Lotus?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

You just turned into Parker Posey from White Lotus.

[B]

White Lotus is from where?

[A]

North Carolina.

[B]

I nailed it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So anyway, Claire gets a call. The. Cut to Days Later. Days later, Claire gets a call from Mr. And Mrs. Madison.

[A]

Listen, okay.

[B]

Cater a party. This is. This is Emma's mom. Okay, Gets called a caterer party. And she's immediately on her back foot because it's very short notice. She's like, we're gonna do a party, like, this weekend, blah, blah. And she's like, I don't know. Like, this is a lot of work. And she's like, listen, we're gonna pay double your rate. And Claire's like, I guess so. And then Sydney is like, listen, we should do it. Like, let's take the event. I'll work the event. We need the money. Like, this is awesome, because Sydney is like, this is Mr. Oh, I'm sorry. This is the. The parents of Hunter John, not Emma. Madison is Hunter John's parents.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

So Sid's like, yeah, whatever. Like, I've been to their house. It's not a big deal. And so Claire accepts it and she's like, fine, we're gonna do this. So we cut to.

[A]

Do, Hunter John's parents know that Sydney's back in town.

[B]

I don't think they do. Okay, so cut to a little bit later. And Claire's making dinner. And for the fam. Not like the catering dinner, just like the dinner for the fam. And there's a knock on the door and it's Tyler. And Sid has invited him over for dinner because she's like. She's pushing buttons. She's doing this on purpose.

[A]

And she's like, you're gonna put a lime in this coconut.

[B]

Whoa. And Claire's like, okay, whatever. And so she makes everybody soup and then heads out in her garden. She's like, I'm happy for you all to eat, but I'm not eating with you. And she goes outside and she starts digging holes in the garden. And she's putting apples into the holes. She buries all the apples. And then the tree throws an apple, kind of a bonks her in the head with it. And she starts yelling at the tree and she's like, I wouldn't have to dig all these goddamn holes if you just stop your bullshit. And Tyler comes out and he's like, is this the secret to all of your beautiful garden? As you yell at the place. Yeah, basically. As someone who gardens, Basically, yeah. You're just yelling a lot.

[A]

You come Outside and just do next door neighbors, like. And you tree.

[B]

Our next neighbor would totally get it.

[A]

Yeah, Our next neighbor also does that.

[B]

Yeah, no, her and I agree on a lot when it comes to gardening.

[A]

I've only seen her screech. She has a pear tree and she's always screaming at it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Piece of. How'd you get another bug?

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

I got you covered in neck.

[B]

So anyway, he flirts with her overtly and she cannot handle it. It's. It's very uncomfortable for her. And she pushes away all of his advances. Whatever. He goes home. The end of that plot line. We get to next chapter. Cut to the Madison mansion. Claire and Sid show up. Beep beep in their big van to. To cater.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like this big event and we find out that they're. They're. While they're passing hors d' oeuvre nerves, of course, that Emma's mom had set this all up. Right. She set up the whole party. And unbeknownst to Claire, like, Claire has not understood what's going on at all. She's just like, I'm a caterer. Right. Like, she doesn't know backstory a lot. She knows some backstory, but not enough really.

[A]

And so that's important to be a caterer? Actually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's important to not know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because. Or else. Or if you know, then there. You wouldn't. You wouldn't accept half the jobs.

[B]

No, you wouldn't.

[A]

You have to. You have to stay neutral. Neutral. Yeah. My job is cake.

[B]

Yeah. My job is buffet.

[A]

My job is mashed potatoes and penne. Yeah, you. Would you like penne?

[B]

There are nuts in this. Over and over again.

[A]

There are nuts in this.

[B]

There are nuts in this.

[A]

There are nuts in this.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

We have vegan options. Yeah, we have vegan options.

[B]

Over and over. Repeat it.

[A]

Just keep saying that.

[B]

Would you like Hispanic open? Would you like Hispanicobra? Would you like. Because you're. Now you're doing past hors d'.

[A]

Oeuvres. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Butler d'. Oeuvres. So this whole thing was Emma's mom's.

[A]

Little cup of butternut squash.

[B]

Little cup butternut squash soup as a gift in her mind. As the mom thinks of this as a gift to Emma because she planned this so that Hunter John would bear witness to Sydney as a lowly waitress and be disgusted.

[A]

Oh, yeah, because nobody wants to fuck a waitress, you goddamn idiot. This is what happens when you grow up in a middle of nowhere fucking town and you're the Top dog. Because you sling good pussy. Fuck you.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh. He's gonna go see this hot girl working, and that's gonna make him never get a boner again. You're an idiot. You're a dumb character. Whatever Emma Clark's mom's name is.

[B]

I don't even think I wrote it down.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, she unremarkable bitch.

[B]

She just wants to help her daughter establish dominance.

[A]

She already established dominance.

[B]

She's married with two kids. She won.

[A]

She married with two. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

And so Hunter John. Hunter John is such a name. Does see her such a name?

[A]

It's such a crazy name. Oh, no. Hunter John. No. Hunter John.

[B]

Sorry. That is the accent. That is it.

[A]

It is.

[B]

So he sees her. He sees Sydney.

[A]

Mind you, by the way, every character in this has been one white. I just want to just point that out as well.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

As this is. This is white people problems in the South. Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah. All right.

[B]

So he's. He sees her putting food out, and he's like, sydney, is that you? And the thing is, like, he walks up to her. She's like, probably just repositioning cheese to make sure the cheese tray looks nice. And he says, sydney, is that you? And then she is like deer in headlights, like, what the fuck? There's my high school boyfriend that broke my heart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To the right. And now as soon as he says that, Eliza, the town gossip is within earshot. And she's like, now what's going on over here?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she spins on a dime, telling you to bear witness.

[A]

Everyone else in this. In this story is human. Eliza to me is a sheep in a dress. I want you to understand that Eliza to me, the way you keep describing her is a sheep that. On two feet in a. In a dress. Yeah. With big red glasses.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's.

[A]

You know what it is? It's the. The. The mayor from Zootopia.

[B]

It's the mayor from Zootopia.

[A]

That.

[B]

Except as. But. But as a gossip.

[A]

As a gossip, yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what. That's what I'm picturing.

[B]

So you can.

[A]

You can cast this however else you want to. It's never gonna be as fun as what I'm thinking, Eli.

[B]

So Eliza hits him with that, now, what's going on over here? And suddenly every now, everybody in the party wants to know what's going on with Eliza. So they're like, all of a sudden, all of Sydney's high school frenemies have surrounded her. All of the people that were her friends in high school, quote, unquote, are, oh, my God, Sydney, is that you? And they're all making polite. Polite conversation. You know, the ones. The bless your heart conversations. And Sydney is like, oh, Hunter John, where are your parents? Because she thinks she's catering the parents party. Hunter John's parents party. So she's like, where are your parents? And he's like, in Florida, because this is Hunter's house. And she's like, wait, you live here? And then Emma saunters over, slinky like, and puts her arm around Hunter. And she goes, we live here. And this is when it hits her. This is when Sydney gets hit by the Mack truck. All the information is put in front of her.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. She puts it together like the meme with all of the. All the calculations and bar graphs and geometry and algebra.

[B]

And then Emma hits her with the. The classic. The classic. I think we need a little bit more of that hors d' oeuvre right there. There. She hits her with it. This is such a move. If you've worked in catering or in a restaurant, there's always some wife who thinks that the husband is flirting with the waitress. And, like, when the husband says something, she'll be like, I think we're low on iced teas. It's the know your place, bitch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she hits her with the know your place bitch. And Hunter John, to his credit, clocks this behavior immediately and, like, grabs Emma and is like, I need to speak with you, and pulls her into the house. And he, like, they get into, like, one of this. One of the rooms in the house. And he's like, you did this on purpose. Why are you trying to humiliate her in front of everybody? What the is wrong with you? And she's like, no, no, I didn't do this. My mom hired the caterers. And he's like, you were still being a though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. So anyway, while this is happening, Sid goes and finds Claire and is like, how could you do this to me? And Claire's like, what are you talking about? And she's like, why didn't you tell me that this party was hosted by Emma and Hunter? And Claire's like, I had no idea what you're talking about. I only spoke to Emma's mother. I didn't know who the hosts were. And so then Sidney kind of, like, emotionally vomits all kinds of resentments from their youth on to Claire about how Claire never cared about, like, what Sydney went through when they were younger. And, like, all this stuff about, like, Sid, Sidney really wanted to be one of the popular kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Claire never did. Claire never kid cared. She was like, we're weird. Waverly's. Whatever. Yeah.

[A]

And also, this is better than living in a car.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I don't need to be popular. I need to not live in a car.

[B]

Yeah. So she. Sydney storms out. And she goes out and calls. Or, no, there's a landline. She goes to the landline and finds the piece of paper with Tyler's number in her pocket. And she calls Tyler and says, hey, can you come pick me up? This is where I am. So now Claire, who's in a mental panic that her sister is going to leave again, gets so upset that she actually. Her sister has stormed outside, right? She picks up the phone and hits redial. She doesn't know who her sister called, but she knows that that person's on their way. So she redials and Tyler answers the phone. And she works through all of the like, of like talking to Tyler. And she's like, I know you're on your way here to pick up my sister. I need you to stop at my house and pick up a few things. I'm gonna tell you where the key is hidden to the house. Right? And so Tyler shows up, up, and he has a big box filled with a bunch of flowers and other ingredients. And Claire pulls them out and she's now using them to make adjustments to the food. Roses represent love and cooking. So when you mix them with sadness, it causes regret. And nutmeg is something that you would put to represent wealth in cooking, but if you add guilt, it would cause embarrassment. Right? So she's. She has already preloaded a lot of these ingredients into the. The food, but now she's doctoring them because she's mad, right?

[A]

So she's doing witchcraft. Okay.

[B]

So meanwhile, Sydney has left with Tyler. While this is happening, Sydney is home in bed. Baba. And when Claire gets home later that evening, Sid is in bed. And Claire passes her room, and Sydney calls out to her and she's like, hey, Claire, you know, I've gotten dozens of calls tonight. A lot of people have called to apologize to me about what happened tonight, about high school, about how I was treated. She's like, I've gotten a lot of phone calls. And she goes, what did you give them? And Claire and Sid. And Claire's like, nothing. She's like, what did you give them? And she's like, I gave. You know, I made some lemon balm sorbet and dandelion petal fruit salad. And Blah, blah. And Sid, like, none of that was on the menu. I knew what was on the menu. And Claire's like, yeah, I know. And Sydney's like, well, Emma and her mother never called. And Claire's like, yeah, they got hip to what was going on, so they refused to eat dessert and they kicked me out. And they also refused to pay the remaining balance. And also two people were at the party, canceled their upcoming events in solidarity. Like it was a whole thing. And so Sydney's like, I'm really sorry, I'm ruining everything. And Claire's like, you're not. And she's like, don't worry. These people, they always call back to reschedule. They're just doing it so they don't upset Emma. People always call back, like, it's fine. And Claire's just like, listen, please don't leave. And Sid's like, I'm not leaving. And she's like, BAE deserves somewhere to safe to grow up. And Claire kind of like sees this entry point and is like, was BAE unsafe somewhere else? Because I don't know if you've noticed, they have never talked about what happened.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They never had a conversation.

[A]

Oh. It's almost like they take their past and they stuff it down inside them and then just try to move forward.

[B]

Yep. So Sydney deflects immediately and is like, I wish you would do something about that. And points out the window. And out the window we see like this glowing purple light. And this whole thing about how Tyler's outside smoking a cigarette and he radiates purple light, which only Claire could see, but it turns out that also Sydney can see it. And she's like, you're more Waverly than you give yourself credit for. And Sydney bristles at this. She doesn't want to be Waverly in, like this magical way. Right?

[A]

Yeah. What do you mean he emanates purple light? Like he has a purple aura.

[B]

He has a purple aura that the girls can see. Nobody else can see it.

[A]

Okay. Because he's sexy. Tyler with the kind eyes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And purple is the color of fuckable. What is that?

[B]

I don't know. It just means nice.

[A]

It means nice in this book. It means in this book I'm not.

[B]

Going to tell you what the aura reading means.

[A]

Okay. So I think it means he's a Minnesota Vikings.

[B]

The next. The next day, Sid is out in town and she goes to the local hair salon and she applies for a job. There's a lot more to the story, but basically she goes to the local hair salon and she Applies for a job because in her past, she actually had gone to hairdressing school and gotten her hairdresser's license.

[A]

There it is. There it is. You feel proud of yourself.

[B]

No, I didn't write this book. I lived this book. I know that's not true. I didn't get my license because I. I was asked to leave. Beauty school was different.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

Beauty School Dropout is the name of your.

[B]

I didn't drop out. I was asked to leave.

[A]

It's different. I know, but I think Beauty School Dropout is still the name. It's still the title of the memoir.

[B]

I did so many other things than just drop out of high school, though. I mean, not high school Beautiful.

[A]

No, but it's still a funnier, funny title. You know what I mean? Like, you have to have a funny title that's gonna draw people in.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

And so Beauty School Drop. There is no word for expelled.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, expelled from beauty school doesn't roll the way Beauty School Dropout is, like, probably copyrighted a Beauty School Dropout.

[B]

Yeah. By Grease. Because the song.

[A]

The musical.

[B]

Yeah. And the movie. There's a song, Beauty School Dropout Go back to High School. Do you remember that?

[A]

No.

[B]

It's like the biggest song from Greece other than Go Grease Lightning.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Holy shit. Okay.

[A]

Wella, Wella.

[B]

Yeah, the one that's a little rapey. You know that one?

[A]

Yeah, I know that one because it got played all the fucking time.

[B]

Yeah. So.

[A]

And then a song at the end.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You keep bringing up Grease Lightning. I know three songs from Greece.

[B]

I don't know how you don't know.

[A]

Beauty School Dropout because I don't like that musical. What? Nostalgia is a facet of fascism.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What?

[B]

She gets the job at the hair salon. Yay. At the house, Claire is hanging out with bae and she's like, I'm gonna go drop off a casserole to Tyler and then bury some apples. Because here's the thing. Claire has this new idea. She's gonna start providing Tyler with many foods because she's gonna slip in things into his foods that make him not like her. This is her idea. So she's like, I'm gonna put, I don't know, spinach in his casseroles so that he gets clarity that he doesn't like me or something. You know what I mean? So BAE is like, why do you always bury the apples? And she's like, cuz I don't want anyone to eat them. And Bea is like, why not? And Claire, again, dealing with doesn't really deal with 5 year olds enough so she doesn't understand that, like, maybe you don't tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Yeah, but she's like, listen, when you eat the apples. And she's like, I don't want you to eat them. And BAE is like, listen, I don't like apples. Which is like a whole thing. BAE never eats apples. She thinks they're gross. She's like, I don't want you to ever eat the apples. When you eat these apples, you'll have a vision and you'll see the biggest moment in your life. If it's good, you'll suddenly know that nothing else will ever be as happy as that moment. And if it's bad, you will live the rest of your life knowing something terrible is going to happen. And this is neither of which is something anyone should know. So these apples create visions in people. They're magical apples. So what we find out in this.

[A]

Like, moment is western North Carolina is the Garden of Eden.

[B]

Okay. Is that a lot of locals, especially local teens, try to climb her fence and steal apples. Because they. It's like a. It's like a thing. Like, they're like, oh, let's go eat one of the Waverly apples.

[A]

Like the lemon stealing whores.

[B]

Yes. So they're like, it's like you're like, oh, maybe like, let's all sneak out there on Friday night and see if we can eat Waverly apples. Apples. But. So like, she does her best to keep the apples and I'd be out.

[A]

There with a shotgun and then you know what I would do? I would sell the apples to billionaires and I'd ruin them. Imagine giving Mark Zuckerberg an apple and finding out you peaked.

[B]

I wish we could give Musk an apple.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, your heart's gonna explode.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The end.

[A]

Give Dave Chappelle an apple. I'd be like, you've been downhill ever since, buddy.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you peaked, bud. Yeah, sorry.

[A]

Oh, imagine giving Donald Trump an apple.

[B]

He would never eat it. You'd have to put it inside a Big Mac. You have to slice it.

[A]

That's true. Yeah.

[B]

So she's been taking the food over to Tyler, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, a few days later, Sid is working at her hair salon, but she hasn't had any walk ins. It's been like three days. She has. No, the thing is, if you, when you work at a hair salon, you have to build your client book.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so she's Working just on walk ins. And she's not having any. So at the, at the this point she decides she's going to go pick up everybody's lunch for them. Which is like having worked in hair salons is the job of the person who doesn't have any clients is like everybody orders lunch and somebody has to go pick it up. And so she's picking up, she picked up lunch and she's dropping off everybody's lunch at their stations. And one of the hairdresser says, thank you, Sydney. And the client who's got a bunch of tinfoils in her hair, pops her head up and is like, what? And it's Ariel Clark. I did write her name down. It's Emma's mom. And she corners Sydney as soon as her hair is done. And she's like. And she's being rude immediately in that southern way. She's like, do you actually cut hair, darling? I thought you needed an education to do that. It's all very rude. And Emma is. Sydney's being as polite as she can. But as she's leaving, Emma makes a phone call loudly. And she calls, I'm sorry, Amelia. Ariel. Her name is Ariel. Oh my God, I just got so many E's. Ariel calls Emma loudly on her cell phone and she's like, you'll never believe the delicious news I have so like immediately implied that we're going to start gossiping about how you work at the hair salon sweeping up hair.

[A]

Yeah. Which is again fine. It's a job.

[B]

People get jobs.

[A]

It's a job. Lady whose job it is, is to suck the dick of a man who inherited a slave plantation. I'm assuming. Probably that seems like this has been their job. Probably has to be sitting next to white supremacists their entire fucking life and then acting like they're above it. And we all know you're below it.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

You're on your back.

[B]

Whoa. Later that day, Hunter John comes into the salon because now that it's news has spread that she works at the hair salon.

[A]

Yeah, Hunter, it actually might work out in her favor.

[B]

See, Hunter comes to the salon and he's very nice. He just wants to clear the air and apologize for his wife's behavior. Basically, when she gets home, Claire and Sid are talking about their mother. And Claire tells Sid that Claire, Sydney again doesn't, like we were saying earlier, Sydney doesn't have a lot of context for some things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Claire is like, mom moved us here for you so you could be safe and stable. And Sydney remembers That she had these pictures in this conversation. Sydney remembers she has these pictures of her mother from when she was young. And she loved these pictures because it was, like, pictures of her mom on the road and being cool and free.

[A]

And lively and rock and roll and.

[B]

All these rock and roll.

[A]

But. But most. Most particular, though, alive.

[B]

Alive.

[A]

And that's her only context for her living mother.

[B]

Yeah. So. And one of them is a picture of her mom standing, like, outside of a car. And she had written, like, a handwritten side, like, leaving. Leaving. Bascom, North Carolina, stinks. And she, like, took a picture holding that up of, like, the day she was leaving. So she's thinking about these pictures after talking to Claire about her mom, and she has this, like, that's so Raven moment where she remembers that she left those pictures at the house where David is. And she's like, like, did I hide those? He could. He. If he finds them, he might see that one specific picture and figure out where we are.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or he might be a idiot.

[B]

Might be a idiot. So, okay, there's this.

[A]

I'm gonna tell you right now. If you fled me for whatever reason.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would not be looking through pictures of your past to try to. I would just be like, I don't know.

[B]

She probably left the location on her phone on.

[A]

Well, back then, they didn't have the phone location. That's the thing. This is 2007. AirTag, the air tags. None of that different stuff. And we just kind of just be like, well, I guess they'll send paperwork. Yeah, that would be kind of like, she'll send paperwork or she'll call.

[B]

Yeah, eventually.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So here's the thing. There is this whole side story in this book about Evanelle and Fred. Basically, Fred is having domestic problems with his husband. Right. Like I said, they are. His husband tells him he wants a divorce, and Fred cannot handle this well. And so Evanelle invites Fred to come stay with her in her, like, extra room in her house. And they have an extremely cute side story about two older people living together and supporting each other as friends. And I have to cut it for time, but it's a really cute little side adventure.

[A]

Good. Okay.

[B]

Okay. Pardon me. And so. Oh, okay. There's also another side story that happens in that Emma Clark. There's a lot of, like, Emma's internal dialogue about how Sid has come back to steal her husband and that, like, Sydney does not give a. About Hunter John this entire book. But at a certain point during this, like, Evanelle storyline, Evanel Walt goes To Emma. And it's like, I have something to give you.

[A]

You.

[B]

And she hands her two quarters and then walks away. And again, Emma is just like that kooky old woman. What am I gonna do with quarters? Yeah, she doesn't carry cash like that. Anyway. But so anyway, let's get back to the chapter. A new chapter.

[A]

Well, real quick. You just covered a lot of side stories. Yeah, and I have a side story I want to cover.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's these ads.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

And we're back.

[B]

Mrs. Claire and Sydney are out in their big, beautiful porch on their house that I am jealous of, sipping tea.

[A]

And talking with the sky blue.

[B]

Oh, I bet they have one of those porch swings that hang down from the.

[A]

And. And the. The porch roof. The ceiling is blue. It's blue.

[B]

It's gotta be blue.

[A]

Keep the spiders away.

[B]

It's to keep the spirits away.

[A]

Is it spirits? Other spiders?

[B]

Well, we'll see. It depends on how you grew up. Up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So Sydney shares with Claire while they're drinking tea that she's really stressed out because she hasn't been getting very many clients and she thinks the hair salon is going to fire her. And she thinks it's because a lot of people in town are like, are friends with Emma and Emma's been spreading the word, like, don't go to her.

[A]

Are they friends or are they acquaintances?

[B]

Emma's acquaintances.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're not really.

[B]

How clicky girls are.

[A]

No, I know. Exactly. Exactly. Especially when they peak in high school.

[B]

Whoa. Facts. So she's basically feels like she's getting snubbed by everyone in town because of Emma. And so they're just having this conversation. The next day, Claire makes the decision. She's going to go to the salon. She does not cut her hair. Like I said, she has really long, beautiful hair. She's just not a hair. Girly. She doesn't care. Yeah, she's a garden girly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so it's not something she worries about.

[A]

And she has long, witchy hair. Like the girl from the ring. Yeah. Like she had.

[B]

No, no, but it's well kempt and.

[A]

No, no, I know, but there is a thing about having hair that long.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That does have witch connotations.

[B]

Well, yes, because her hair is very powerful.

[A]

It has spooky connotations.

[B]

Well, yeah, because hair is very powerful. And that's why we put a lot of importance in it. Anyway. Oh, you just wanted an excuse to press that goddamn button.

[A]

Spooky.

[B]

So anyway, she comes up with this idea, she's like, I'm gonna go to the salon to support my sister. And so when Sydney sees her at the salon, though, when she walks in, she's like, where's bae? Is everything okay? Because she immediately is like, my sister doesn't come to the fancy hair salon because. The fancy hair salon. Yeah, she doesn't come to the fancy hair salon. She's like, no, everything is fine. BAE is with Evan now. She's watching her for a few hours so I can get my hair cut. And Sid is like, wait, what? Oh. And so we get, like, basically a montage. I love a montage.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And she. Sydney's like, do you trust me? And Claire's like, I do. And so she turns the chair around from the mirror so that she can't see her cutting her hair. And so she starts cutting her hair. And, like, all the other stylists are watching and, like, taking notice. Oh, my God. What's going on? Because, again, Claire has really long hair, and nobody ever sees Claire going to the fancy beauty salon. So they're like, what are the Waverly girls doing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she cuts off immediately 12 inches of her hair, chops this big chop, and basically gives her what's called a French bob. Do you know what a French bob is?

[A]

No.

[B]

I pulled up.

[A]

Is it the thing from Amelie?

[B]

A little bit. It's described a little bit longer than that. I found a picture so I could show you. This is a French bob.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The Emily one is a little bit shorter. It goes up to above her, like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

This is more of what's described. Described.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So she gives her a very chic French bob.

[A]

Yeah, very. That's also very bangs.

[B]

Very. They're wispy bangs.

[A]

Oh, you know what else it is? It's the. It's the lady. No capes.

[B]

No, no. That is a thick bang. This is a wispy.

[A]

No, no, but say that Bob. The Bob is the same Bob.

[B]

Yes, it's a very similar.

[A]

No capes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

From the. The show. From the movie.

[B]

The movie. I'm gonna disagree with you because I read how the description of the haircut was, and I did go to beauty school before I was asked to leave, so I know how to cut hair.

[A]

No, I know. I'm agreeing with you, but the lady who yells no capes.

[B]

It's not the same bob. Okay? It's not the same bob, Babe. It was described in the book in detail. It's a different bob. That is a completely symmetrical, even bob. The bob I showed you a picture of is a little bit higher in the back. It comes to a point under her chin and then has a wispy bang.

[A]

Okay. It's very different than Edna mode.

[B]

It's not Edna mode from the Incredible. It's not Edna Mo.

[A]

No capes.

[B]

Anyway, when Sid turns the chair around and Claire sees herself in the mirror, she begins to tear up. She gets, like, visibly emotional. This is the most perfect haircut she's ever had. It completely accentuates her features. Her eyes pop. Her cheekbones, her. Her chin. It's like it fits her. Her face perfectly. And she looks at her sister through the mirror and she says, you can't deny it anymore. This is your Waverly magic. Yeah.

[A]

And everyone in the likes hears her.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we. We. That is like the whole salon thing, right? So now we.

[A]

And then they cue the music.

[B]

No, but for real. For real. So then there's this whole other subplot in each other. Remember about the story, the family I told you about the Hopkins guys, about how they.

[A]

Yeah. They marry older ladies.

[B]

Older ladies. Right. We get introduced to the. The eldest Hopkins guy, and he has a son. His name is Henry, and he's a tall, handsome guy who is childhood friends with Sydney. Okay. They reconnect in town at a certain point, and we find out that Henry had feelings for his. His whole, like, high school life, but he never acted on them because they were just friends. And she was super obsessed with Hunter. John.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, throughout the rest of this book, they are slowly courting each other. Okay. Sidney is very, very like, I just got out of a relationship. I don't want any of this. And Henry is very, like, gun shy about the situation, but he has really loved and cherished her his whole life. And for her to be back in town, it is like everything. And so there's a subplot about Henry and Sidney slowly falling for each other, cutting it for time, but it's happening.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Now, later that week, I will go.

[A]

Back and say, unnecessary. I don't think it's. It's time for her to be falling in love with this guy. Yeah, I think. I think it's a little bit too soon. There should have been hints in there that maybe they're hanging out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But not anything that's getting hot and heavy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So later that week, we find out that the word got around town about Claire's beautiful hair transformation, and now Sydney is booked out the door for haircuts. Even Emma's best friends want to get in to see what Sydney can do. Okay. Now this whole time Claire has still been delivering foods to Tyler to get him to fall out of love with her. And it's not working, by the way. It's just not working. So 4th of July. Okay. Small town shenaniganry.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like small towns love fourth of July. They like do a big like event.

[A]

Oh, this is their Christmas festival instead of just doing a fourth of July version.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Okay, got it.

[B]

So yeah. Oh, you're still doing Hallmark movies.

[A]

Yeah, it's a Hallmark movie. This is. You always have. In these small towns, they always have the Halloween parade or the Christmas village or there's some sort of thing that their little town is known for.

[B]

Yeah. So we're doing fourth of July fireworks party.

[A]

Okay, Got it.

[B]

And there's a lot.

[A]

North Carolina is just two guys with Roman candles strapped to their heads screaming and running directly at each other.

[B]

One of the things there's like a little story in here about is how at the. There's like a farm stand basically and everybody's like shopping before like the event. And Claire is selling kind of like honeysuckle syrup that she makes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And everybody's buying it because when they drink it, I think it contains alcohol too. Because like the sheriff is like, you're not supposed to sell alcohol, but we all know about the Waverly women.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the honeysuckle syrup in this like a boozy concoction she makes actually makes lights brighter for your eyes. So people drink it before the fireworks.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

So instead of buying the cool little goggles that add the little flair to the fireworks works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're taking borderline lsd.

[B]

I. What I'm hearing is they're supporting a small family run business instead of buying a bunch of bulk from Temu.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay. What I'm hearing is that they're taking an unregulated supplement that you seem to be fine with because they're labeling it with their pagan practices.

[B]

I literally drink so many unregulated pagan practice supplements all day long.

[A]

I know you do. They're my favorite book is about you.

[B]

Anyway, it's a fourth of July parade shenaniganry. All that stuff happen. They're selling stuff. Baba ba. Claire and Tyler kiss. They kiss at the 4th of July cuz they're drunk on honeysuckle and it's immediately energetic. Electric energy zooms through their bodies. It's super passionate, it's explosive. And a Claire immediately nopes out of the situation because I It's too awesome.

[A]

Yeah, that's cuz she can't handle love and success.

[B]

A few days later, Tyler goes over to Claire's house and there's a lot of hubbub. But guess what? They make out again. And then guess what? They have sex in the garden. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

There's a couple pages about it. And it's not that graphic, honestly, because this is not that kind of book.

[A]

But it's. Is it sweet?

[B]

Sweet? It's sweet. There's a lot of. There's like a little bit of nipple play too. Anyway, they wake up the next day and the apple tree is winging apples at them. And one almost barely misses Claire's head.

[A]

Why is the apple tree winging apples at him?

[B]

Because the apple tree is always throwing apples at Claire because it wants to eat. She want. They. The tree wants Claire to eat an apple.

[A]

He's like, you need to have this fucking vision, lady.

[B]

And she doesn't want it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She doesn't want to gamble with it. So she never eats the apple. She never has. So now we have a day. Okay. Oh, yeah. So then there's another day, I guess later in the week or a month. Whatever. Sid, Claire, BAE, and Henry and Tyler all go to the local swimming hole. Okay, so this is the group activity. We're all going down in a swimming hole. And Sydney is busting Claire's chops about not being able to, quote, let Tyler in. And they're just kind of ribbon on each other. And Claire drops the bomb and is like, listen, I'm sorry. I'm still broken from what mom did to me. Six years, okay? Claire drops the bomb on Sid, basically, and is like, listen, listen, I am sorry that I am like, I. I don't let people in. I am still not healed from what mom did to me when I was little. I spent six years living in cars, homeless shelters, seeing mom steal and sleep with random men. I was jealous that you got to be born here and grow up in safety. And I am terrified of people leaving me. And I'm very scared of how temporary things like love are. Right. So basically it all just gets laid out in the table here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And because Sid, really.

[A]

Because she needed the dick to understand her emotions. Okay? She got dick down in the garden. All right? That man reached in and pulled out her tulip bulb. Okay, all right. We got. We got pollination happening. All right? Birds and bees came together. Came together. Okay. All right. I'm just saying, every now and then, people need to go to the link in my bio.

[B]

To go to the rose garden.

[A]

Yeah, go to the rose garden and maybe open your. Curl your toes a little.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Realize it's not.

[B]

That's not that kind of podcast.

[A]

It's not that deep. Except it wasn't clear. Hey. Oh.

[B]

So that night, sitting and Claire are talking in Sid's bedroom, and Sid gets honest with Claire about David, about the whole truth of the situation.

[A]

Oh, the. The ex husband. Well, estranged, abusive husband.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So the whole past, traveling the country, all of the crazy things she did in her youth, meeting David, his violence, her failed attempts to escape previously, how she escaped and why they are here now. Right.

[A]

I will say to Sid, I wish you had told her earlier, because you were putting the entire family's life in danger by not letting them know that there is a abusive, dangerous maniac out there. Yeah, like, it would be a good heads up. I understand. Maybe the first 24 hours not saying something because you need a minute. Well, in her case, she had 26.

[B]

She slept 26 hours of sleep.

[A]

But you've now had two separate jobs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You've cycled through any entire town dramas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is still a time when Facebook was pretty big, so people might have been posing. You know, Sydney's back in town, and you never know where that's going to go viral.

[B]

So the one thing I. I forgot to mention this before, but whenever Sydney has memories of David, whenever she thinks about him and it happened throughout the whole book, she would think about the horrors, her fear, her anxiety. She would look at her daughter lovingly and then panic that he was going to come take her. The smell of his cologne would fill the room. Right. That's like a thing that kept happening here again, the magic of, like, memory and scent.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so while they're talking about what happened, her bedroom fills with the smell of David's cologne. And Claire is like, what is that smell? And she's like, that's David's cologne. And Claire immediately is like, let's open the windows. Like, let's, like, air this out. Right. So the next day, Claire's getting dressed and is like, I'm gonna go talk to Tyler. And she heads over there because she now she feels empowered. She's gotten honest with her sister. Her sister's gotten honest with her. She's like, you know what? I can let people in. I'm. I'm gonna go talk to Tyler about maybe we could be in a relationship of some sorts. Right. And she gets there, and he's like, yeah, come on in. And when she walks in, there's another woman in the house. House. A redheaded woman named Rachel is sitting on the couch. And so she leaves the house. She's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And she gets immediately embarrassed. And she's like, I gotta get out of here. And he's like, he. He must politely say, rachel, I'll be right back. And he comes back over to Claire's house, and he's like. He's like, claire, Claire. No, like, come back to my place. I'll get rid of Rachel. Like, she doesn't mean anything. She's just a friend from work. We've been friends for years. It's not like that. She's just visiting for a couple days. And she's like, no, but. And he's like, no, I can get rid of her. We could go make out. And she's like, no, we can't do it in her. The house with Rachel there. And he's like, Rachel. She's like, no, I'll just see you in three days, right?

[A]

Okay. So she's not j. She's. She is jealous. She is a little jealous. She's immediately jealous. Yeah, but she's not accusing him of sleeping around.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

It's just more of. She's like, I can't believe you'd be with another woman.

[B]

She immediately thinks that, like, they're not exclusive. So what? Yeah, but the. She is still a lady of. A southern lady of class and dignity.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so on that final day, that third day, she invites Tyler and Rachel over for dinner for a polite lunch. Part of me.

[A]

And she turns her into a frog with her witch magic.

[B]

No, but she's very polite. But the vibes are really awesome off. And like, the food isn't as good because, like, the vibes are just bad. Yeah, right. Anyway, Rachel leaves. But anyway, let's cut to outside of town. Next chapter. We're out. We're just at the edge of town. We're at the very edge of town. And we're at a gas station. And Ariel, Emma's mom, and Emma are at a gas station. And Emma Clark. Emma Clark.

[A]

All right.

[B]

And Ariel are at a. Sluts. They're at a. They're in their car. They're in like, probably a top down convertible, rich. And a well dressed man comes up to them and it's like, excuse me, ladies, I'm looking to find someone. Can I show you some pictures? And he shows them the pictures he has, and one of them is of Sydney's mother, Lorelai. And Ariel is like, ah, yes, darling, that's Lorelai Waverly. Local, ne' er do well. And Emma immediately is like, mama, shh. And he is like, does she live here? And she's like, no, darling, she passed away years ago. Tragic, really. And he shows her another picture. And in this picture, it's him. And Sidney's in the picture, and she's wearing, like, this tight dress and his arms around her. And if you look at her eyes, you can see that she's really scared and sad looking. And Emma clocks in immediately. And Ariel is like, ah, yes, that's Sidney Waverly. She recently moved back to town to the area. Awful woman tried to steal my daughter's husband. And Emma's like, mother, no, hush. And then the man is like, was there a child with her? And it was like, yeah, a daughter named bae, I think. And this is the point where Emma's like, mama, we don't talk about other people's children. And then Emma, like, like, like kind of like peacocks up a bit. And like, immediately is like, her vibes are just like. He's like, I gotta back away. He can tell Emma's about to flip the out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ariel's giving out information like this, and so he can sense. And he's like, thank you so much for your time.

[A]

And that's David.

[B]

That's. I mean, immediately it's David.

[A]

I knew it was.

[B]

And so Emma even being the bad guy in this book is like, this is not okay.

[A]

No. Because this is a Hallmark movie, and everybody from a small town at the end of the day is going to do the right thing when the wrong things happen.

[B]

So she goes in to pay for gas, but her purse is in the car. Her mom is like, here's the card. Go pay for the gas, daughter. And so she goes in to pay for gas, and she's like, I. I feel real bad about what just happened. This feels unsafe. I don't like this. And she reaches into her pocket to get the credit card, and she finds two quarters. And she's like, I'm gonna make a collect call. She calls the Waverly house on the pay phone to tell them there's some strange man who's asking about them asking around town. And she leaves a voicemail because no one answers. Now, back at the house, Sydney and Claire are in the kitchen talking to Evanelle. And we find out a lot of backlore backstory about the family. And we find out that when Lorelai was little, she had taken a bite of one of the apples.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And when she was like young, like 11 or something. 10 or 11. And she saw herself die in a horrible car crash. And she knew from that moment what was going to happen. So she lived her life on the edge, maybe trying to avoid it, you know, like, living. Like she just decided, like, I. It all, you know, like, I'm just gonna live on the edge. Or she was like, I know how I'm gonna die, and maybe I can avoid it by living a life of pandemonium. I don't know.

[A]

I don't think she tried to avoid it. I think she was just. I'm gonna try to live it to the fullest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And do all sorts of crazy things. Because the thing is, if you know you're gonna die in a car crash.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then you're definitely not gonna od.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what I mean? Like, there's these type of things like that where, like, if you know this date, then technically speaking, you're immortal until this time.

[B]

Yeah. Well, they don't know the date. They just know.

[A]

No, I'm saying, though. But if you know how, right. And you're like, oh, it's in a car that hasn't been built yet.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, how do I get locked into a Tesla and it's drowning in a lake? That's crazy.

[A]

Wow. Mitch McConnell, sister in law. The. But. I mean, that's. But for real, though, if. If I had a vision, right. And I. I could remember the dashboard, the internal dashboard of the car. I meant in that when I ended the fatal car, I would be cool until ways shows up. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, there's certain things where I would be. I would just be every day. I'd be getting car magazines, checking those interior shots, making sure I'd be like, I remember. Remember in your vision, was it a Toyota? Okay, cool. I only need to check on Toyotas to see what the interiors look like. Oh, no, it was a special edition I didn't know came out this year.

[B]

Oh, no, the Eddie Bauer edition. So Sid and Claire are hosting Henry and Tyler over for a dinner party in the garden because again, the girls have gotten their groove back.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Everybody sort of kind of dating now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're gonna have a big dinner party. Dinner party in the garden. Claire feels comfortable having people in her garden.

[A]

Everybody's lime has a coconut.

[B]

Everybody's lime has a coconut.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, there's twinkle lights set up out there 100. It's beautiful.

[A]

They got Mason jars with tea lights in It.

[B]

Bugs are flying around.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

This is aesthetically incredibly pleasing.

[A]

There is blown glass. There's colored blown glass.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Around. And they're in swoopy patterns.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Whimsy. God. We have moons with faces on them. Yes. A lot of moons with faces on them are floating around there. Right. So there's items made of string.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

There's the feeling of straw. It's not visible, but you feel like things have straw.

[B]

So they're having a lovely meal. They're making toast to the joy of summer. And suddenly, while they're all having this meal, the air is filled with the smell of cologne. And Sidney stands up and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And all of a sudden, the tree moves. And you hear a man's voice be like, ow. Cause the tree winged an apple at the dude's head.

[A]

Because it's David. It's David, the evil ex husband.

[B]

And Claire is like, what's wrong? And Sidney's like, david, he's here. And everyone kind of gets on their feet and is like, who's David? And Sidney yells at Bay to go hide. And house, go hide. And entering the back gate of the garden is David. Oh, you threw a party. And I wasn't invited. And he walks over to Sid and grabs her, like, arm hard and pulls her really close. And she realizes he has a gun.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And there's a lot of back and forth. He's kind of threatening everybody.

[A]

He's like, all. I'm picturing him. Do you remember the movie Kindergarten Kind Cop?

[B]

No.

[A]

No. You don't remember Kindergarten Cop?

[B]

No.

[A]

So the whole. The bad guy in Kindergarten Cop, okay, The whole story of this is that Arnold Schwarzenegger goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to try to get to this one criminal.

[B]

I found him. Oh, my God. Yes, exactly.

[A]

This actor. And the way. The way he's picked with the shitty ponytail, like a shark skin suit. There's a whole thing in this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the thing I always remember about Kindergarten Cop is this. This guy, I think he gets gets bit on the nuts by a ferret.

[B]

That checks out.

[A]

There's a whole thing about a ferret. And they're like, it's a weasel. And he's like, no, but, like, it can sense evil.

[B]

So he's threatening everybody, basically. And it becomes clear that to Sydney. It becomes clear to Sydney that he didn't come here to take her back. He came here to kill her and take his daughter. Yeah, like, he doesn't. He doesn't need her. He's pissed and he wants his daughter. And he's going to him kill killer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So David is yelling for BAE to come out, and he's like, come out here, honey. Come see daddy. And there's movement on the tree again. The tree is moving and he's like, oh, bae, are you hiding in the tree? Because, like, again, big tree. And so he, like, does that thing that all villains in movies do where he's like, looking around the tree to see, like, where his daughter is. Kind of like he's. He hasn't really stepped towards it. And all of a sudden, apple rolls at his feet like a tree winged. An apple, people. And he picks it up because again, he's doing evil villain.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's gonna bite the apple in one hand and have a gun at Sydney in the other. And he's like, what are you guys gonna do about it? You like. He's got this whole vibe. You know the one?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so part of me. He bites the apple. And, like, Claire gives one of those. Like, wait, no, don't. One of those under her breath. And he chews the apple for a moment. And all of a sudden his eyes go wide and they're, like moving back and forth, kind of like he's watching a film, you know, like his. Like he's seeing something nobody else.

[A]

Pupils dilated like a motherfucker.

[B]

Yeah. Panic is filled his face. And he drops both the apple and the gun. And like, he kind of screams like he's like, what the fuck was that? And Sid looks at him, and she has this moment where like. Like she realizes he's seen his own mortality. And when she realizes he's mortal, she's not afraid of him anymore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and she's like, was someone hurting you this time? Was it your biggest fear? Years and years of doing this to other people, and it's gonna happen to you, too. And she walks, kind of like leans up and walks into his face. And she's like, you better get far from here. Maybe you can outrun it out there, but not here. We will make sure it comes true here. And he is in such a panic. He does. He just bounces. No questions asked. Like, whatever he saw scared the fucking shit out of him. And he just leaves. No questions asked. That's the end of the book, baby.

[A]

That's it? Yeah, that's the end of the book.

[B]

There's like a little like, they love happily ever. That's the end of the book. David leaves.

[A]

Baby. Oh, my God. That's so Good.

[B]

The apple. And it's. And that's it. We're happily ever after.

[A]

That's the ferret nut. That's so good. That's so good. Oh, my God. Well, let's take a break and then we come back. We'll talk our final thoughts.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right after this. Pearl Mania. Pearl Mania. Pearl mania. Pearl Mania. 500. If you want to join our Patreon. And usually on the longer episodes, back in the day, this is where we'd be throwing in our shout outs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But we're not doing that. Those are still on the after party. And this is my personal after party about this book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Garden spells the author's name again.

[B]

Her name is Sarah Addison Allen.

[A]

She's really good. This is a really, really good book.

[B]

Right? It was a great little cozy, whimsical, fun.

[A]

Such a cozy book. And I like the fact that, like, there was a moment where I was like, like, how are they gonna have to. Like, they got to kill this dude. And then it's like, no, he just has to face the fact that he's not a God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, that was so cool. I love the way this book was laid out. I really enjoyed that they tried to, you know, make Emma a better character.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, as a person, obviously. Evanelle, great character.

[B]

Best character.

[A]

What an amazing character with Evanel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just love the fact that she is just, you know, foreshadowing and check offs gunning the entire time. Yeah, I would have loved to. I mean, we cut it for time, but I would love to hear more of the story of Fred. And you can hear that story about Fred and Evan. L like being two old people together in a cabin.

[B]

By reading the book.

[A]

By reading the book. And we highly recommend reading this book. And I will. I will say highly recommend reading this book. Yeah. This is one of those movies where I would have seen back in the 90s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would have seen the trailer for Be like, that's for chicks Gay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when it came on HBO one day and I happened to stop on the channel, I would have watched the entire thing and made it my whole personality for about three weeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just went the same way. Practical magic. The same. All these other different ones. And I feel like this is the type of story that we need.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We need more stories like this. Like, we need to have this feeling out there of just like, how to, you know, like getting. Not getting over, but like getting through adversity.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In the way they did. Coming together as family. Finding these things. And, like, has the Christian right really colonized these types of stories? Yes, through Hallmark. A hundred percent. A thousand percent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, like, I would love to see. I would. This is the type of thing. Remember. Remember there was a Hulu movie a couple years ago with Kristen Stewart.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Where it was like a gay Hallmark movie.

[B]

I love that movie.

[A]

I know more of those. It was with the same guy who played David from.

[B]

David.

[A]

Yeah. Eugene Levy's son, whatever his name is.

[B]

From Schitt's Creek.

[A]

Yeah, from Schitt's Creek.

[B]

Yeah. It was an incredible movie. And then I got really mad that she went back with that girl at the end. She should have left and went with Plaza.

[A]

Yeah. No, I. I understood why they went the direction they went, but it was. It was fine because it was, like.

[B]

Pretty in Pink, like, at the end. They had to change it so that.

[A]

Yeah, they changed a little bit. But I would say that this was. This book. Garden Spells. Such a great time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love the characters. I love the sisters. I love the setup. Because the thing I really liked is I really liked Claire even before Sidney showed up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was built in a way that Claire was like a likable, understandable character in a world. Kind of like. Like the way when you first meet Belle in Beauty and the Beast, they're like, here's. We're gonna establish entire French Village.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And egg prices are too high.

[B]

The egg prices are too high.

[A]

Even in that song. But the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have my little notes here. BAE seems sweet.

[B]

Yeah, she's great.

[A]

I like the way the magic is kind of this.

[B]

I like that everybody's magic is really personal, and it's. The magic is skills that people have.

[A]

I like.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I like that the magic is like. Yeah, it's skills, but it's also, like, subtle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's not like, oh, this person can levitate. Like, oh, well, this person knows where things go. Like. Okay, that's like the.

[B]

Like, Sydney, like, it's a specialty.

[A]

It's a specialty.

[B]

Sydney can look at you and really see what would be the most complementary hair for your head shape, which is.

[A]

Like, your true self.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sydney can help you get your true self. Yeah. Claire is a cook, in reality, is a cook and a gardener. And inside of that, she can instill emotions in you through food.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But, you know, that type of thing, like, that makes sense. Like, that makes sense, and that's sensible, and I like that. And I just was. This was just so well balanced.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And it Was just a sweet.

[B]

It's a nice story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nice book.

[A]

It's just a nice.

[B]

And a bad guy still gets it in the end.

[A]

And. And they didn't have to do anything. No, he just.

[B]

They're just like the fucking tree. Just wings, apples.

[A]

The tree literally was like, I'm gonna give you consequences.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because at the end. What is that? You know what the tree was more than anything else?

[B]

What?

[A]

Giving. Giving. Whoa. It was a giving tree.

[B]

Well.

[A]

And you know what happened underneath the giving tree?

[B]

What?

[A]

Claire got hers.

[B]

No, stop it. Stop that. Stop that right now. Stop that right now.

[A]

Anyway, anybody who made it the end of the episode to anybody who looks like five people I know who've messaged us in the past, like, yeah, let's do it with my kids. You're gonna have a fun time with this one.

[B]

Yeah, yikes.

[A]

Probably. We'll probably put a.

[B]

Hey, put a little note in here.

[A]

Yeah, maybe. And what's crazy is this episode not brought to you by Belessa, but apparently I am over the next three months.

[B]

And you got to put PG13 in the title.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'll put a viewer. PG13 is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The same way. This could be an odd. There's a couple moments that could be awkward if you listen to this with your children.

[B]

Yeah. I'll call my cousin.

[A]

Yeah. 100%. Ms. B. Any final thoughts?

[B]

This is a great book. Thank you, everyone, so much for listening to these episodes. These are labor of love and I love our story report episodes. Please support your local library. Get your local library card. Go to your library website if they have one. Go to library in person and see the different activities. Sign up for them. Take a class. Take one of the book clubs they have there. There's a cooking class. There's all kinds of things. Libraries get funding based on how many people use them. Use the library so that they can keep their funding up.

[A]

And we use the library to get.

[B]

This book and I return it late, I will be paying a fee. That's a donation, baby.

[A]

That's a donation, baby. And with that being said, guys, thank you so much for listening, for following, for liking subscribing, for commenting, all those different fun things. And remember, if you like his name was Dusk's Music, you might want to check out his one Shot down in the description below. We've been too many tabs. This has been the story report. You've been lovely. Have a good week. Too many frauds and too many scammers that we wish weren't real. Too many cons and too many spammers, and we're starting to feel like we've got too many tabs. Open it. Too many tabs. Remember to smile.