The Laziest Space Alien Grifter OF 1947 | TMT 142

Summary

Podcast Summary: Too Many Tabs with Pearlmania500

Episode 142: "The Laziest Space Alien Grifter OF 1947"

Release Date: August 24, 2025

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Overview

In this lively and comedic episode, Alex Perlman (Pearlmania500) and his wife and cohost, Mrs. Pearlmania 500, dive into the bizarre true story of William R. Ferguson—a 20th-century Chicago taxi driver who transformed himself into a pseudo-mystic, interplanetary traveler, and, ultimately, a multi-level marketing (MLM) scammer selling “cosmic healing” devices. Their sprawling, tangential conversation covers everything from the origin of Ferguson’s alien cult, quack healing gadgets, and their impact on modern grifters, to personal anecdotes, pop culture riffs, and scathing social commentary.

August is officially "quack month" on the podcast, meaning a focus on history’s weirdest scammers and pseudoscience peddlers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. No Nazi Guarantee & Quack Month Riffing

• The duo makes their signature “no Nazi guarantee” for the tale (“I’m going to make this promise to myself... that’s a no Nazi guarantee.”—Mrs. Pearlmania, 02:56) to reassure listeners that this quack story, for once, won’t veer into Nazi territory, a frequent occurrence in scammer history.

2. Introducing William R. Ferguson (Chicago’s Other Alien Prophet)

• Ferguson, born July 1900, starts as a mail carrier, later becoming a Chicago taxi driver and family man.
  ("He was a mail carrier by trade... then he stopped doing that and became a taxi driver."—Alex, 05:00)
• Teaches a self-invented “absolute relaxation” technique, which he claims allows him to travel to higher dimensions through intense meditation.

3. Ferguson’s Outlandish Claims and Self-Help Guru Evolution

• In 1937, Ferguson self-publishes his book Relax First, making him a proto-wellness influencer decades before Instagram. ("He writes this book in 1937 entitled 'Relax First.'"—Alex, 11:30)
• Claims that with his technique, he can astral project to the "Seventh Dimension," illuminating his soul—a.k.a. post-nut clarity, jokes Mrs. Pearlmania (16:21).

4. Origins of Interplanetary Visions & Cosmic Grifting

• Ferguson reports “astral travel” to the “center of creation” and describes witnessing cosmic phenomena ("He witnessed creation through pure intelligent energy moving through a, quote, cube of the personal universal substance.”—Alex, 20:25).
• His language and ideas borrow heavily from contemporary pop culture like John Carter of Mars (57:03), and ancient astronaut pseudoscience.

5. The Bizarre Features of Life on Mars (According to Ferguson)

• Martians are described as red-haired, a foot shorter than humans, able to levitate, and 20,000 years ahead in spiritual/scientific development.
• On Mars you can "swim in water without getting wet," breathing is unnecessary, and you absorb food without excreting waste.
  ("Nobody poops, welcome to Mars."—Alex, 60:39)

6. From Prophet to Pyramid Scheme: The Zeret Applicator

• Ferguson’s cosmic healing device—a "blue and white celluloid dumbbell" with a mysterious liquid—must be held with both hands, legs uncrossed, for 15 minutes three times a day.
  (Demonstrated hilariously: "Let me use this hairbrush... I'm gonna say legs akimbo."—Mrs. Pearlmania, 68:19)

• Sells them through a pyramid-style structure via a Greek-American sales director, Mary Stanakis, and a growing MLM downline. ($25 wholesale, $50 retail in the 1940s—a fortune at the time)
  (“It's almost as if we're building a triangle.”—Mrs. Pearlmania, 80:27)

7. The Fall: Arrest, Scientific Analysis, and the End of a Grift

• Customers file complaints; Ferguson and associates are federally prosecuted for fraud.
  (“In reality, the zeret applicator was made of two plastic globes that were originally from baby rattles... found to contain Chicago tap water.”—Alex, 85:54)
• Judge: “I think you are all suckers, but I’ll keep an open mind.”—quoted from Ferguson’s 1948 trial (84:35).
• He is convicted and sentenced to a year in federal prison; after release, he sells “brain relaxing helmets” and Martian trinkets, getting arrested for vagrancy in Milwaukee (89:27).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Ferguson’s trip to “the Seventh Dimension”:
  “So he has post nut clarity.”—Mrs. Pearlmania (16:21)

• On the irony of lawsuits & grift today:
  “If this happened today... if you went to the cops, they’d be like, ‘We’ll file a report, but nothing’s gonna happen.’”—Mrs. Pearlmania (87:04)

• Judge’s take on the parade of happy customers: “I think you are all suckers, but I’ll keep an open mind.”—Judge, as quoted by Alex (84:35)

• On the Zeret’s “healing” properties:
  “Hold this weird dildo stick in the air, and eventually you’ll...”—Mrs. Pearlmania (73:21)

• On cosmic marketing:
  “He’s just selling joy cups. Usually $30 will bring you joy—but it’s empty.”
  —Alex & Mrs. Pearlmania riffing on Ferguson’s post-prison trinkets (92:28)

• On the end of Ferguson’s story:
  “He’s buried in the same place as the guy that invented Schwinn Bicycles. That’s the crazy thing about cemeteries, man.”—Alex (95:35)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• [02:56] — The “No Nazi Guarantee”
• [05:00] — Introduction to William R. Ferguson’s background
• [11:30] — Ferguson’s first book “Relax First”
• [16:21] — Post-nut clarity joke (“Seventh Dimension”)
• [34:09] — Starseeds, New Age cults, and ancient aliens explained
• [57:03] — John Carter of Mars and Ferguson’s sci-fi influence
• [68:16] — Zeret Applicator demo (“legs akimbo”)
• [80:15] — Explaining the MLM structure of Ferguson’s scam
• [84:35] — “I think you are all suckers” — Judge quote
• [85:54] — Scientific analysis: The Zeret is a baby rattle with tap water
• [88:23] — Prison sentences for Ferguson and Stanakis
• [89:27] — The “brain relaxing helmet” and “joy cups” grifting
• [93:37] — Ferguson’s death & cemetary comparisons

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Tone & Style

The hosts maintain their trademark irreverence, wild tangents, and banter—swerving from deep-dive research, to personal asides and “bit-offs” (including puppet voices and musical references). While the storytelling is loose, humorous, and sometimes caustic, beneath it all is genuine curiosity about why people fall for scams, and how the American culture of quackery persists.

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Final Thoughts

This episode offers a rich, hilarious, sometimes incredulous tour through a classic American grift—equal parts history, pop culture riff, and MLM post-mortem. The Pearls highlight how people’s hunger for wonder, healing, and belonging can be twisted by charlatans, and connect Ferguson’s bizarre legacy to modern digital wellness griffs.

If you’re into scam history, cults, or want to laugh at an alien “astral-projection” pyramid scheme gone wrong, it’s a must-listen.

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Listener Challenge:
"If you made it all the way into this, say ‘love this trip to Mars’ in the comments." —Mrs. Pearlmania (98:40)

Transcript

[Alex Perlman]

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[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Back to school is better with Family freedom from T Mobile we'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones all on America's largest 5G network. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com familyfreedom. Up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card typically takes 15 days. Free phones via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement eg Apple iPhone 16128 gigabyte $8,029.99 eligible trade in eg iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due if you pay off early or cancel contact T Mobile. Alien scams. That's right. And we're not just talking about Instagram alien scammers. They do come up with. We're talking about old timey ones. This episode has it all. Chicago taxi drivers that meditated so hard they went to Mars. A Delaware tiki bar and of course a multi level marketing scheme. Cause it's quack month, baby. It's quack month. And what do we cover here? We cover quacks all August. Cause Mrs. Promania does her research and she does that by opening tabs. How many tabs did she open this time? Too many tabs. Remember to smile. Welcome to Too Many Tabs, a podcast where a husband and wife duo sit across from each other in a room and one of them does research on a topic and then tells the other one all about it for your listening and maybe even viewing pleasure. My name is Alex Perlman, also known as Pearlmania 500.

[Alex Perlman]

Sitting across this room we have Mrs. Pearlmania 500.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And Mrs. Pearlmania 500 did her research on a topic this week.

[Alex Perlman]

William R. Ferguson. You ever heard of him?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No. Of course. Why would I ever hear him?

[Alex Perlman]

I don't know. But he believed in aliens. Oh. And he built a cult based around the fact that aliens have charged him with special powers.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

And then he used that to build a pyramid scheme to sell shake weights filled with magic water to heal the world.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, okay, okay. I. I'm very excited. I'm very excited. Thank you. Thank you for giving me the the elevator pitch. I'm incredibly excited to hear about an alien cult pyramid scheme shake Weight.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Combination from the 1900s.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

From the 1900s. I have. Okay, so there's a button on this podcast.

[Alex Perlman]

Sure.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That we used to hit infrequently.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But we did used to remember that it was there.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And I'm going to. I'm going to ask you. Okay, can I hit this button?

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's a guarantee.

[Alex Perlman]

It's a guarantee. I cuz.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't know.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, here's the deal. In my research that I did, that button works. But I know you. You might bring it up.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I might bring it up.

[Alex Perlman]

You might start gabbing about politics and talking your shit, and then suddenly, suddenly the button is null and void. You'd have to make the promise to yourself to keep the button active.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, I'm going to make this promise to myself, to my wife, to Mr. Third, and to you, the listeners and viewers out there. And that's a no Nazi guarantee. For those of you guys who are new to the no Nazi guarantee button, we created that button a long time ago because we discovered so many stories ended up having these guys all the time.

[Alex Perlman]

Especially kept showing up.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Especially whenever we talk about MLMs, quacks, or people who do pseudoscience. Typically, somehow this ends up in this area. I am going to go ahead and hit this button for you right now because, listen, guys, I don't know if you've looked outside. It's not a great time. So we want to give you, you know, an hour, maybe 90 minutes, however long this episode is or where you don't end up having the present crash into your past, which they control. And by they, I mean the nut.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, see, it's gonna be hard for you.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I'm trying.

[Alex Perlman]

Do you want to get started, though?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Let's go ahead and get started. So you. This is about Craig Ferguson's.

[Alex Perlman]

Not Craig Ferguson.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I love Craig Ferguson.

[Alex Perlman]

No, I love Craig Ferguson.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Craig Ferguson. If you ever want to come on the show, open invitation, you can come in after Joel McHale, you would need.

[Alex Perlman]

To kiss a little.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

What?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

Huh?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

I'm just saying.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, I would have to kiss him.

[Alex Perlman]

No, no, I would get to kiss.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I get to kiss him.

[Alex Perlman]

I definitely get to kiss Craig Ferguson before you do. No.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, that's fine. You can kiss him on the cheek.

[Alex Perlman]

No, no, I'm all mouth.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Whoa. Is it because he's Scottish or because he's funny?

[Alex Perlman]

It's both and you know it. Damn you, damn.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Mrs. Peace. Thing is Scottish guys, though.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, that's a true story.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's why we've never Crossed Hadrian's Wall. Because that's. There's a lot of people out, like, oh, I'm worried about. You know, you showed me a video last night. The guy's like, you worried about your. Your wife turning into a city girl? And he's like, no, I'm not. I got nanny money. But, like, I'm also. I'm never. I'm never worried when you're like, I'm going out with my friends the other weekend. You're like, I'm going to the Poconos with some friends for the weekend. I said, okay, I got the baby, and you left. And I was like, that's great. And then. Never even crossed my mind.

[Alex Perlman]

No.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That you would even do anything.

[Alex Perlman]

Because I'm like, look me in the eyes. And he said, there won't be any Scottish there, will there?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

If there was. If there was one kilt, if I thought there was a possibility of tartan crossing your eye plane, then I would turn into a weird guy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I would. Before you know it, I'd be on Twitter paying for a check mark.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Screaming about how women are unfair in divorces.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, that's. That's. It's the women that are the unfair. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The law. The law is. Is bent according to people who pay $8 for a free website.

[Alex Perlman]

Now, let me ask you a question. Who. Who wrote the laws?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Uh, I mean, we're just going to talk about. Let's talk about William.

[Alex Perlman]

William R. Ferguson.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

William R. Ferguson.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. He was born in July of 1900.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

We're going way back, baby.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Way back.

[Alex Perlman]

Way back. He was a mail carrier by trade. He was a mailman.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. All right. You caught me off guard there for a little bit. When you said mail carrier, I was like, he lifted men.

[Alex Perlman]

Yes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I was thinking Mali yet. No, not male. Like letters.

[Alex Perlman]

Letters back.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Children. Back in the day, people used to write letters to each other, and they would put them inside of envelopes, and they'd pay for stamps, and they would be delivered to post offices originally. Post offices. Eventually they. Did you know that they invented mailboxes because they were afraid that women would meet men at mail post offices and they would feel too independent. So they created in home mail delivery because they were afraid that the women would get too frisky out there.

[Alex Perlman]

Listen, you can't give the women any freedom.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Can't give them any at all.

[Alex Perlman]

Suddenly they're out there talking to men.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

How dare they? And then they'll discover. They'll discover. These men have no idea what the fuck they're talking about.

[Alex Perlman]

Let me tell you something about women. Let me tell you something.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

We don't want to talk to men, okay. Out in the streets, all we want to do is not talk to them. They want to talk to us. It's so annoying. Don't talk to me. Okay. So he was a mailman, Right. And then he stopped doing that and became a taxi driver.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He went from mailman to taxi driver. That makes sense.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I mean, that's, that they're both kind of, he's on the edge, I want to say, of like shift jobs. It's shift job type of work. Postal service, taxi driver. It's like these are the type of things. Money comes in, money comes out type of job.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. He have five kids.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Whoa.

[Alex Perlman]

That's right, baby.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

As a taxi driver.

[Alex Perlman]

As a taxi driver. I want you all with his wife.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

With the same wife.

[Alex Perlman]

Marie. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. Marie.

[Alex Perlman]

Marie.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Marie Ferguson.

[Alex Perlman]

Marie Ferguson. Ferguson's a crazy last name he taught himself. Okay? So here's the thing. He teaches himself a technique of relaxation he called absolute relaxation.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I, that's just jerking off.

[Alex Perlman]

I was thinking that.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Just jerking off.

[Alex Perlman]

Reading it, I was like, sir, did you just decide that jerking off was absolute?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

When I picture absolute relaxation, there's like, it's a mix, Right? Because there's like, what is. Commercialism sold us on absolute relaxation. Some people would picture like a Corona on the beach, which I'm like, that's not even that great. But also, like, the beach isn't relaxing.

[Alex Perlman]

The beach is not relaxing because you.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Have to haul all that stuff down there. Typically.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Or you've just paid a shit ton of money. You paid the equivalent of like four mortgage payments, four months worth, for three days.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And maybe at an all inclusive.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Or even worse, you've taken a cruise, which means you've just been on a floating casino full of its germs to then go to some island that is being slowly colonized.

[Alex Perlman]

You're not describing absolute relaxation.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I'm not. I'm going to. So here's my term version of absolute relaxation. It's when you and the baby are not home.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And I don't have anything to do.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then I, I, I stare at my phone so hard I get a headache.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then I go, I've been looking too close at my phone.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I should stare at the tv.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then I go, this is boring.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. And then do you remember to eat? Because that's probably why you got the headache.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's the reason why we have the.

[Alex Perlman]

Factor sponsorship, literally, because. But still, you have not absolutely relaxed yet.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I haven't. In. In all of this. I'm actually stressing myself out.

[Alex Perlman]

Sl. Do you know how to absolutely relax? Because I feel like William Ferguson might be able to teach you.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, teach me how to absolutely relax.

[Alex Perlman]

Right now. I need to say that that is not my absolute relaxation.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What is your absolute relaxation?

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, number one, it's doing a lot of work in the garden and feeling very, like, successful.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We just said relaxation, and you immediately said relax.

[Alex Perlman]

I have to. Okay, here's the thing. I personally like to, like, do a lot of physical labor and wear myself out a bit and then, like, take a hot shower and. And then a nap.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

See, this is where we're the opposite of.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I believe in relaxing, so you can build up the potential. You believe in being. You believe in working because you want to burn off the kinetic.

[Alex Perlman]

The burn off the anger and the rage.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, but you're burning off the kinetic energy versus I'm trying to build the potential.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's our two. That's the reason why we tell you a story.

[Alex Perlman]

Years ago, over a decade ago, I was. I was taking these classes on meditation. I was trying to learn to be good at meditation. I am not great at it. No, I try, though. And the word meditation and just means to practice. Right. So you're trying, but is that really what it means? Yeah. Basically, the idea of meditation is just. It's a practice. Like yoga is a practice. So you. You never master it. You're just practicing it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, okay.

[Alex Perlman]

And that makes me feel better about it, how not great at it I am. But. So I was going to the. These meditation classes, and the guy that was running, it was like, you know, maybe you could just, like, do some physical activity to help calm your mind enough to be quiet in your mind. Because I was, like, really struggling, and that's. I literally used to just get on my bicycle and circle Kelly drive like, twice, as do the loop twice, which is. I don't even know how many miles. I don't remember anymore.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's still just an insane thing to do.

[Alex Perlman]

Just two loops around Kelly drive. No headphones, Just the silence.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Raw dogging, raw dogging, raw dogging.

[Alex Perlman]

That's. And that's how I would quiet my mind so I could sit for three minutes in silence. To do three minutes of meditation, I have to do two loops of Kelly drive full speed. No headphones. Just rage it out. Silence the mind. So anyway, I've never been diagnosed with adhd. But it turns out I. Sometimes I say things that I think maybe, maybe I do. Maybe I should go to a doctor. Anyway, so he's a taxi driver who's invented absolute relaxation, which is probably just.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Boring the people in the car forever.

[Alex Perlman]

He's like, oh, do you need a phone charger? That'll be extra. Five star review. So he writes a book. He is so behind. Like, he stands behind what he's invented. He writes this book in 1937 entitled Relax First.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Relax First.

[Alex Perlman]

See, and that's your belief system. Relax first, the energy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

I disagree. But it's his technique.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, Relax first, build the energy. Okay, I'm. I'm with it. Does the book do well?

[Alex Perlman]

It does pretty well, actually. And he starts teaching this technique to other people.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He teaches people how to relax. Yeah, that's pretty. Who, what do you. I'm a life coach. What do you teach? Chill.

[Alex Perlman]

Chill.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I teach people how to chill.

[Alex Perlman]

I want to tell you something. That's a million dollar industry on Instagram right now.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Really?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I mean, I mean, right now. Yeah, it makes total sense. Have you seen out in the streets? The streets are full of. Hey, I hit the button.

[Alex Perlman]

You hit the button. Say what?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The streets are full of. But, but. Yes. No, that's. That's 100%. I get that. There is also like the distress, all those different things. But also this is what? This is like 1920.

[Alex Perlman]

Where. 1937.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

1937. You know what? People did need to chill. It's 1937. Do you know what was happening in Germany at the time?

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so Ferguson claimed that his technique of absolute relaxation, he was able to travel to other dimensions.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Wait, what?

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Wait. He chilled so hard he transcended planes, baby.

[Alex Perlman]

He's so chill.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He. He is the sorcerer supreme of just chillaxing.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This is Doctor Strange level stuff.

[Alex Perlman]

Wait, what?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Doctor Strange from the comic books or Marvel comics?

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, the. The guy looks like an otter. The who? Who plays him in the movies? Benedict Cumberbatch looks like an otter.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't think Benedict Cumberbatch looks like an otter. I think he looks like Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Alex Perlman]

I think he looks like an otter to me. Do you mean not in the. The sex way? No, I mean he physically looks like an otter.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, you gotta dial it back. Dial it back. I need you to understand, we're on the Internet right now.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And if you say looks like an otter in the sex way.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

People are not going to think that you mean like gay code, like bear versus cub Versus Otter. Versus these different types of things. They're going to think you mean an anthropomorphized otter that people hand draw and then pay for.

[Alex Perlman]

What are you talking about? Is this, like, Sonic?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes, this is 100% like Sonic. This is also like our episode about the rules for the Internet. Remember Rule 34, how I explained it?

[Alex Perlman]

You think I remember the rule numbers?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes, I think you should. I think you should.

[Alex Perlman]

You remember the rules out and then, like, put them on the wall.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You remember the Rules of Acquisition? They're very important from Star Trek. You'll remember those.

[Alex Perlman]

Code to live by.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I know that, but it's. You can't just say, oh, the otter. The sex thing.

[Alex Perlman]

I said it wasn't the sex thing. I just said, he looks like an honor.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He looks like. You're saying that Benedict Cumberbatch. And I'm sure Mr. Third's having the time putting these goddamn images together days later, just being like, why are they.

[Alex Perlman]

Doing this to me?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But you're saying that Benedict Cumberbatch, this British man.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Looks like this aquatic mammal.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's what I love.

[Alex Perlman]

Otters. They're cool. I wish I could get otters.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't think they look anything alike.

[Alex Perlman]

Well, I don't know what to tell you. I'm allowed to have opinions.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I think Benedict Cumberbatch looks like. I think he. If we put age makeup on him, he could play Mitch McConnell very easily. Whoa. I think they have a similar neck chin ratio.

[Alex Perlman]

I feel like what I said was way nicer than what you said.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I want here to be nice.

[Alex Perlman]

Wow.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Look at me.

[Alex Perlman]

Mitch McConnell, he played Sherlock.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Dude, we're not. Yeah, a bad one. I fucking. I hated that series. I didn't like it. It wasn't good.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, wow.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It was a bad.

[Alex Perlman]

Put it in the comments, y'. All. If you like Sherlock, let us know.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, look at me. Who's my character? Oh, well, my character, Sherlock, except his autism is a superpower. That's not how it works. That's not anything works. That whole show was garbage.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. Yeah, okay, whatever.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Their Moriarty was trash, too. But I'm not done. We were talking about transcending planes. Like. Like the Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because in those movies and in the comic book.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

One of the things they try to explain is that magic is actually interdimensional stuff. Ghosts, all these other different things. Hell is a dimension.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. Same as, like, heaven or all these different things. And so he would astral project is what this guy is kind of describing in that sort of realm. But it's that mix of like pseudoscience and magic where you're like, oh, magic is actually just science we can't yet explain. Yeah, that's that kind of idea. And that's what he's talking about. And that's what Jack Kirby later talked about in The Sorcerer Supreme. Dr. Strange.

[Alex Perlman]

I don't really remember that movie. Anyway, so he, he says he's invented absolute relaxation and he is. His body becomes charged with. And that when he practices his absolute relaxation, he's transported to the seventh dimension, specifically the seventh dimension where he stayed for hours, resulting in his soul being illuminated.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So he has post not clarity.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What? I'm not wrong. He has post not clarity. He was like, that was a good one.

[Alex Perlman]

Two hours.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That was a good one. Yeah. For two hours he was like, you know what? Let's just, let's just clear the mind real fast. That's what it feels like.

[Alex Perlman]

Upon his return.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, upon his return, he had a thought.

[Alex Perlman]

He. Oh, this is the thing he's saying in his book and his. Because he starts doing like these talks about this, right? Because he's like doing these talks, doing TED talks now. Doing TED talks and classes and about this book that he wrote.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

People are so tense and he, he.

[Alex Perlman]

They're so stressed out.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So stressed out out.

[Alex Perlman]

So he's saying that like when he would go into these seventh. This into the seventh dimension, he would be illuminated and that his body would become incorporeal. So like no longer composed of matter.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, he's astral projecting.

[Alex Perlman]

But I also, when I was picturing it, I was picturing him becoming Odo in the goo bucket.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Ah, yes.

[Alex Perlman]

But also he was becoming Odo while his spirit was somewhere else.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Got it.

[Alex Perlman]

That's what I'm picturing.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You're picturing, you're picturing the spirit leaving the body, his body becoming incorporeal. Yep. But like I just. Picture of like I turned into light and left. My, my flesh, My flesh says that.

[Alex Perlman]

Upon his return he would regain his physical form. And so that's what I'm again picturing Odo coming out of the bucket and becoming.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But see, I think, I think to me, regain physical form is like your spirit re entering the body.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because I don't think that, I don't think he's describing his body breaking down. I think he's describing this idea of his actual essence, which is himself, the soul. Like I ever have this thought of like where you exist inside your own head. Huh. Like, okay. You know, like, the idea of, like, depth of field.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

All right. And it's like when you're looking at something, like, I. I'm processing the world from right here.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This area of my mind, but, like, I'm thinking about it a little bit deeper, but, like, where is me? Like, I know all of me is me, but, like, if I was gonna get down to, like, one little spot, like, what is that?

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And so it's the idea, I think. And again, we're going off of some guy in 1937 who jerked off so hard he went to seventh heaven.

[Alex Perlman]

He had wrote a book about it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He came so hard, and he was like, you guys just need to relax a little.

[Alex Perlman]

I just picture Marie, his wife, stressed out with their five fucking kids. Like, could you not be relaxed?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I've been taxi driving all day.

[Alex Perlman]

Marie.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I've been taxi driving all day. I just want to listen to the radio alone in my room for a bit.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, my God. Now, I just pictured him as the dad from Scrooged when, remember, Bill Murray is a kid and the dad comes. Butcher.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. We give him. This is a slice of veal.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. He's a good Christmas gift.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Christmas.

[Alex Perlman]

That's how I picture him.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Rolex also, we haven't given William R. Ferguson.

[Alex Perlman]

Our Ferguson.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We haven't given him, like, an accent yet. And is he. Where is he? Where's he live? Did we ever figure that out? Is he in New York?

[Alex Perlman]

I feel like it's New York. I don't know that I wrote it down.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. I'm gonna go in New York.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

All right. Because from this point forward, he's just very much of a. I'm relaxing here.

[Alex Perlman]

Look at me. Get out of the road.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Get out of the way. I'm trying to relax here. That's how I feel about him.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, I agree with you. That's how I'm picturing him as well.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, good. That's good. That's good. So anyway, this guy writes. He writes a book.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

Then he claims that he moved to the center of creation and is now experiencing the sixth dimension.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Is he in.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Is it Missouri?

[Alex Perlman]

It's okay. I don't know if it's Missouri.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No. Because, I mean, the Mormons, it was like, Job. Was it Joplin, Missouri, or something like that? Like, they were like. That's where the Garden of Eden was, baby. I'm just. I'm just throwing in.

[Alex Perlman]

I don't think it's a Missouri.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't Think it is either. But I'm just telling you, at one point they claim that he states that.

[Alex Perlman]

He witnessed creation through pure intelligent energy moving through a, quote, cube of the personal universal substance. Huh. Yeah. I think he's just making stuff up.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I think he is too.

[Alex Perlman]

Or like, remember was it in Salem when we went to visit Salem and they were like, we don't know if these people actually thought they were witches or. Or if they were all just like high on fungus from corn.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

And I'm like, is this man high?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The thing is, is I. Okay, so I'm going to go on a couple different things with this. First thing, go back to Salem. I actually, when I was younger, I thought that the. The corn. The corn mold might be a thing. But living through the last decade.

[Alex Perlman]

No. People just hate women.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No. But also people just are insane. I think it's. People are very insane, Mom. Mentalities are very easy to do after living through. I mean, pre Covid, whenever in a zombie movie, somebody would get bit and they're like, no, it's fine. What are you talking about? You guys are so crazy. Oh, no, I'm going to hide. You're going to endanger the entire group. Why would you do that? And when I would see that in movies, I was like, these writers are.

[Alex Perlman]

They're crazy. That would never happen.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They're so pessimistic. And now I'm like, not only would it happen.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But there'd be some people who'd be like, get in there. I need to get it quickly to get herd immunity.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

My body's stronger than this.

[Alex Perlman]

You know people that be purposely getting bit.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes.

[Alex Perlman]

On purpose.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes. To prove that it's not real.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then there would be somebody the entire time screaming that this is actually the Jews. And then there would be a third person who was like, no, we should actually, like, try to listen to the zombies. It would just be like.

[Alex Perlman]

So every time we would elect president zombie, who would put a zombie in charge of the fda.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

To make sure that we got rid of those zombie vaccine.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then that zombie would work out in jeans. But the, the, the fucking. The. The thing is in general though, is like with, with what you're talking about with this guy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I go to the seventh dimension and then I saw creation of six. I don't think he's. I don't think in his mind, I don't think he's lying. I think he's trying to say he doesn't have words to explain the thoughts he's having. So he's making them up.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And they're not quite fitting. But then on top of that, he's starting to make money.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And once you start to make money, you need to keep making money.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And so he's getting into this situation now where he needs to keep adding on. Now, he was smart. He jumped immediately from the third dimension to the seventh.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Now he has your way back.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So he has four dimensions he can describe.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. And he. And he can make them like Dante's Inferno. Like different weird layers.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

100% smart. Because we're here in the third dimension.

[Alex Perlman]

Which layer of hell are we in?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, this is the third dimension. This isn't a layer of hell.

[Alex Perlman]

Are you sure? Because I looked outside.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, I. I agree with you there. I do agree with you there.

[Alex Perlman]

We are in hell, and Satan is the funniest dude around. And by that I mean Gavin Newsom.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You know what? With that, with that, we're gonna take a break. We're gonna take a break. Let's map out this week's amazing destinations and travel tips.

[Alex Perlman]

Honestly, Will, I didn't plan any trips, but I did switch to T Mobile with their new family freedom offer.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's not the itinerary we're following.

[Alex Perlman]

Well, I'm departing from AT&T and embarking on a new journey with T Mobile. They paid off my family's four phones up to $3200 and gave us four new phones on the house.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Bon voyage. Introducing Family Freedom. Our lowest cost will switch our biggest family savings all on America's largest 5G network. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com familyfreedom. Up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card. Typically takes 15 days. Free phones via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement eg. Apple iPhone 16128 gigabyte $8,029.99 Eligible trade in iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due if you pay off early or cancel contact T Mobile. As all of you know, being an outspoken person like myself on the Internet can be a dangerous thing. Which is why I want to talk to you about protecting yourself when while surfing the web. And for a full package of protection that can keep you safe. I want to tell you all about this week's sponsor, Aura. Aura offers you a plan that gives it all antivirus protection, identity protection, a password, locker, vpn and even more. These are tools that will make sure that you feel safe on the Internet. But don't just take my word for it. Test it out today. You can use our link right now to get a free 14 day trial using Aura. Get a look for yourself for what information you have out there and then you can see how you can get better protected. Go get a 14 day trial at aura.compearlmania500 that's aura.compearlmania500 for a 14 day free trial today. Aura.compearl mania500 and we're back. And during the break we looked it up and it's Chicago. He's from Chicago.

[Alex Perlman]

Chi town, baby.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So the. I'm. Well, I'm relaxing here.

[Alex Perlman]

We're sticking with it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, that's not Chicago. That's New York.

[Alex Perlman]

I know. What's the Chicago voice? Go ahead.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, middle Chicago voice.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm a.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The freaking Pope.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm the Pope.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Look at me. Hey, I'm the Pope.

[Alex Perlman]

Hey.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We make hot dogs funny.

[Alex Perlman]

Wow.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't like a Chicago dog. Putting sesame on a hot dog bun is fucking insane.

[Alex Perlman]

Everybody, I am so sorry.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Chicago dogs are gross.

[Alex Perlman]

You can't beat up on regional food.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I like Chicago. When I was.

[Alex Perlman]

As a regional food person.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Look at me. When I went to Chicago last year, I loved it. I called it Big Philly.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because it was very. It had a Philly vibe. I really loved Chicago. I like Chicago more than New York.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I just think that they do dogs and pizza wrong.

[Alex Perlman]

Jesus Christ.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

All right. Deep dish pizza is not a pizza, okay?

[Alex Perlman]

God, this video is going to get reported.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't care. Demonetize me. What are you going to do? What you going to do? What you going to do?

[Alex Perlman]

Listen, I'm a nice person. I would never say that about deep dish pizza or hot dogs because I respect regional cuisines. Because the day you start talking shit on cheesesteaks, roast pork sandwiches and pretzels, we're all gonna have a problem.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Nobody would ever would because all those things are delightful and delicious. They're all delightful and perfect. Everything that I'm describing right here are. They're plays on existing food that is normal everywhere else.

[Alex Perlman]

That place where. Where's the place in the Midwest that they put like the. The weird stuff on the spaghetti? Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Since Cincinnati. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Skyline Chili Sky.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. They put the chili on the spaghetti. Now that's a regional food.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's an Ohio.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm not co signing.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's an Ohio thing.

[Alex Perlman]

That's a weird thing to do.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Because there's nothing else to do in Ohio. Okay. What are you gonna do? Go to Akron.

[Alex Perlman]

Whoa. Whoa.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

Whoa.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Gonna go to Akron, Ohio.

[Alex Perlman]

Anyway, Ferguson claims.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So hold on. So Ferguson is in Chicago. He's a taxi. He's a Chicago taxi driver in 1937, which is like. So he's been living through prohibition in Chicago.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This guy lived through Al Capone.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And Prohibition.

[Alex Perlman]

I mean, theoretically, his brain works. Right now, I feel like he could be drinking bathtub gin.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's. I mean, this is why we need context of where people are.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He could be. You're totally right. It could be an early version of AI psychosis known as bathtub gin, because people went blind from that.

[Alex Perlman]

I was just picturing the. The Internet lady who's, like, on AI Psych. You know, her AI dumped her. By the way, the. The lady updated.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They updated Chat GPT.

[Alex Perlman]

There's no way. Oh, no. So here's the thing. So there's a lady on TikTok, Kendra, who fell in love with her psychiatrist and then went on TikTok to talk about it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

And it turns out she has two different AI models.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes.

[Alex Perlman]

That she is trained to tell her everything she wants to hear. And the one stopped working and then started telling her, like, you need to stop. You need to. And it is so clear that whatever that AI, the people who run it were watching the Tik Tok lives, and we're like, we got to make updates. We got to make updates 100%.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Well, that's what they just said. Sam Altman, they just released chat GPT5.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Part of it was that was driving. That's driven off a bunch of customers, is they removed a lot of the personalization side of things because they were like, oh, no, we went a little too hard in the pain on that side.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We'll tweak it back a little bit. And he's already declared it a failure.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And he's like, chat GPT6 will be better. And everyone's like, no, it won't, buddy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, it won't, because you guys don't know how to make money the right way.

[Alex Perlman]

No.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The only way you know how to do is to make it addictive. But also, it just reminds me of, like, you know, I think for me, it was Windows xp. Windows XP was the perfect operating system, and everyone since then has broken every fucking computer. We're running Windows 11 right now. Our printer doesn't work.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? You don't know. You have a Mac, don't you, Mr. Third? Windows XP was horrible. I Loved it. Everything worked for me. Windows XP was the one I liked. That was what I liked. Eventually got good, but it took many years. Okay, great. Then why did we start a new one that also didn't work? Windows 10 sucks. Shit. I hated Windows 10. And Windows 11 has broken every printer I've ever touched.

[Alex Perlman]

Our printer is really flat. Yeah, no, we only print from our phone.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, we actually have to email PDFs to ourselves and then print from our fucking phone and then hope both things are connected to the WI fi, because if I try to print from the fucking computer, it takes 20 years and then it shoots out page three of seven.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then it goes, sorry, network error. I'm like, what is happening?

[Alex Perlman]

And then the big printers are like, oh, why do people hate us? Yeah, why do people hate printer companies?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't know. Maybe because you're all in the Epstein files. There, I said it.

[Alex Perlman]

Whoa.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I said it. Legend, you're in. Maybe not the Epstein files. Maybe they're in the Epson files.

[Alex Perlman]

Hey, those are the kind of jokes I showed up. Okay, so, William Ferguson, let's get back to what we're talking about.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't remember what we were talking about. Aliens.

[Alex Perlman]

Aliens.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Chicago Aliens.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, Chicago Aliens.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This episode's all over the place, man. I love it. I'm having a good time. Okay, Chicago Aliens.

[Alex Perlman]

So he claims that he had direct encounters with extraterrestrials.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

On what plane?

[Alex Perlman]

Stop asking so many questions.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

And reported several alien encounters. And so who do you report them to? To the people that are listening to him talk about this.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, I thought I meant the cops. I thought he went to the Chicago pd and he's like, hey, fellas, there's aliens around here.

[Alex Perlman]

The Chicago PD will be like, they just hit you. Right? Like, they would just have the. The batons. That's. But back in the baton days.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Not that they don't have batons now.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, no, now they have the telescopic ones. And they feel really strong when they do that.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. And I'm like, I just know your penis is so small.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, they just have little billy clubs.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, little billy clubs and the silly hats.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. The Keystone Cop era, where they're like, ah. And they. They wiggle the. The little batons in the air.

[Alex Perlman]

You're like, we're Irish.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm allowed to make that joke.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes, you are. I know you are.

[Alex Perlman]

All right.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Ironically, I'm not, which confuses people.

[Alex Perlman]

Last night, when we realized the Stevie Nicks thing.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, my God, we watched. We Watched the thing last night about Fleetwood Mac. About Fleetwood Mac. And the person explaining it was 25 years old. And she pointed at a picture of. Of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And she said something that we had never thought of. She goes, let's go ahead and get this straight. The woman is named Stevie and the man is named Lindsay. And it never dawned on us that anyone would have an issue.

[Alex Perlman]

Like we both thought, we were like, holy shit, I never thought of that.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Because Stevie Nicks has always been famous in our world. So we're always like, yeah, her name's Stevie.

[Alex Perlman]

That's Stevie Nicks.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then we're like, well, the other one, the man's name, Lindsay. We're like, sure. We just accepted it. Yeah, but if you're coming into it blind. Yeah. You would actually. If I looked at a picture of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, had no idea. I would assume the man is Stevie.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I would be like, yes. Stevie Nicks, the man with the coke problem who wrote Landslide. Like, no, no, the woman with the coke problem.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Who wrote Landslide. Oh, then wait, so Steve. What? And they're like, yeah, no, Lindsay is the abusive psycho.

[Alex Perlman]

Ham is. Yeah, yeah. So that was just very funny.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It was very funny.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so he reported these several alien encounters to the people that are listening to him about this ultimate relaxation.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Got it.

[Alex Perlman]

Not to the police.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Got it.

[Alex Perlman]

And all of these encounters with the extraterrestrials and the aliens happened during his meditation sessions.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Got it.

[Alex Perlman]

So he's meditating so strongly.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So he's starting in a Joe Rogan.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, well. Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Do you know about that?

[Alex Perlman]

No.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Joe Rogan's taken DMT a bunch of times and claims that he has, like reached aliens on different planes of dimensions. It's like the same thing.

[Alex Perlman]

I didn't realize this was going to be.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, it's the same thing.

[Alex Perlman]

I didn't know this was going to go back to Rogan.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I know, but this is just how this is. They all end up back to Rogan.

[Alex Perlman]

No, they don't all go back to Rogan.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Well, when you're in the. When you're in the quack world, right. When you're quacking this hard, Rogan is always just there because he's always platforming. Like dipshit. Like, if this guy exists, existed today. Oh, yeah, he would have been. He would have been. He would have been a five time guest on Rogan.

[Alex Perlman]

He would be. Who's the guy that had to go in a coma to get off drugs?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Jordan Peterson.

[Alex Perlman]

He'd be like Jordan Peterson, like, in a silly suit, talking about Ali.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I'm not gonna go that far.

[Alex Perlman]

Because I don't want us to make the bed.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, because I don't. I don't. It doesn't sound like he's that type of guy. He's telling us to relax. How are you gonna. How are you gonna make. You don't. Nobody relaxes. Nobody makes the bed to relax.

[Alex Perlman]

He would be like one of the chill Instagram hippie with the long hair that's like, just move to Costa Rica and live off the land and don't eat seed oils and put your. Your butthole in the sun.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, no, actually, I think he. First thing, he would be a starseed.

[Alex Perlman]

What's that?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Starseed are the current people who believe that their soul is actually an alien soul trapped inside. It's like a. It's like an offshoot of Scientology in this weird sort of way. But funky frog bait, friend of the show. We love.

[Alex Perlman]

We love.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Amazing person did a whole video about this, about starseeds I gotta watch. And they are Instagram influencers, a lot of them. But there's this entire. I hit the button, so I have to actually be careful of how I say this.

[Alex Perlman]

I love it. I knew that you weren't gonna be.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Able to do it because anytime aliens come out, somehow these dudes always show up. They're like, aliens have blonde hair and blue eyes. And they really hate this specific type of people. You're like, no, they don't. Aliens live in the stars. No. They have this belief that they're basically their soul and is from an alien planet, and that most of our souls. I think they believe that. And so some of them have figured out how to meditate so hard that they can become in tune with it.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And others of them just have. They just claim these divine things and, like, how they can do this, but it involves, like, light. You know, like the light language healing where they, like, speak in tongues. Yeah, that's a part of it. And all these other different things. Because you're like. When you're doing light language, going, and then I'm healing your cancer. But yeah, it's the same as Benny Hinn being speaking in tongues and throwing his jacket at you.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They're doing this, like, fake Reiki and all these different things. But often what they claim is not that they're learning an angelic language, they're claiming that they're speaking an alien language.

[Alex Perlman]

Got it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And what they'll often do is they do another thing which is straight up from Marvel comic books and the ancient alien type of stuff in general, which is that our ideas of demons and angels, all these different things are interplanar. Aliens.

[Alex Perlman]

Yes. Biblically accurate angel. Please put it on the screen. Terrifying. Biblically accurate angel.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Fuck you, Mr. Third. Find one.

[Alex Perlman]

They're terrifying.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But this whole idea is again, under the ancient astronauts and all these different types of things, which is they try to take an old myth and then they're like, how can we prove it was true? Because again, this is just after the time of like Heinrich Schliemann and all these other different things where we've had stuff that we assumed was completely made up. Fantasy fairy tale legends slowly be proven that, oh, there is some historiocracy historicity to it. There's some historical truth to it.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Right. And so in this same time, again, in that idea of. Of quacks and pseudoscience, there is this idea of like, you get this little thing that's true.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So if we have all these stories of angels, all these stories of things coming down from the heavens, maybe those stupid shepherds and those dumb farmers and those dudes living in caves, what they were actually seeing is an alien astronaut.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. This is. You're just describing one of the best TV shows ever. Ancient aliens.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I hate that show so much.

[Alex Perlman]

My favorite part about ancient aliens, they're the reason.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They're the reason Trump's the President.

[Alex Perlman]

My favorite part about ancient aliens show is when they do the Renaissance art and they look at the Renaissance art paintings and they're like, look at this little spot up here.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

That's clearly a ufo.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Leonardo da Vinci painted a UFO in there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, look at this spot up here that looks just like a hat that was thrown in the air. Ah.

[Alex Perlman]

Michelangelo knew there were aliens that were actually God. They're my favorite. They just pick apart little picture.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But the other part of it, though, is. Is one of my favorite theories.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The unicorn.

[Alex Perlman]

The. Like the animal.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, the animal. The cryptid. The unicorn.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. One of my favorite things is that the unicorn is actually a rhino.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Okay. Because people heard about rhinos, this. This weird thing. Because as they're describing it to each other.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Over time, they don't have the words for it. Yeah, right. They don't have the image.

[Alex Perlman]

It's like a big. Bigger than a horse, but it walks. Sticking out of his head.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. It's got a horn.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But the way they're describing it, if I was to describe a rhino to you very simply. And I would say it's a. It has one color.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It walks on four legs. It is large, like the size of a horse. And it has a horn sticking out of its head.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. The thing I heard was horse.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

With a horn.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Unicorn. Look at a rhino. They don't look the same at all. But this, this same general, like, idea.

[Alex Perlman]

Of these type of whisker down the lane description. You didn't warn me to not go anywhere near it. Because if I was describing a rhino, I'd be like, and if you see one, get the out of there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

But you're like, oh. And so when I see a unicorn now, I'm like, oh, they must be fun and magical.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Why does that have a horn to gore people? It's a gore horn.

[Alex Perlman]

A gore horn.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But the. In general with this type of stuff like that, like, that's the same thing that happened with. There's all these different asteroid. You know, like when they have the meteor showers and things like that. Like the paintings that we have from those times, like, they're like, it looked like a war in heaven. Yeah. If you were. I don't know how many of our listeners live in areas of truly dark sky, like where you get actual dark the only time.

[Alex Perlman]

So jealous of you.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I'm very jealous of you. We live in the east coast and we have insane light pollution. Light pollution to the point where actually when I move Mrs. P to the suburbs from Philadelphia, one of the things that we saw, she immediately one night was like, there's so many stars in the sky. This is crazy. I looked up and I was like, yeah, that's just Orion's belt. I looked up, I saw maybe 15 stars.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, that was a lot of stars.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He was like, this is crazy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The most stars I've ever seen was when I was in Colorado and I had never. It was a clear night. I had never seen the Milky Way galaxy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We used to be able to see it in our backyard here. But because of the invention of light bulbs.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And because of street lights and all this different light pollution and things like that. Like, we can no longer see into the heavens at the. At the rate that we used to be able to. And so these things, now we have. We have a disconnect and how we talk about things. So you have guys all the way back in the 1600s hearing about a meteor shower. The guy didn't have the word to say meteor shower. They don't quite know what it is. So they call it a battle in heaven because it looks like the stars, which sometimes they believe were angels. It looks like they're fighting. So they draw that up and they do it, or they write that up and they describe it. Some other guy who wasn't there then carves that into a wood block that is then printed into a book. That book is then dropped over time into different libraries. That library, eventually, some guy who is on an acid trip or I guess came too hard, goes into the library, finds this book, goes, oh, this is just like that other book that H.G. wells wrote, War of the Worlds. Look, they even saw ancient aliens fighting in the skies back in 1600. But he is now living in Chicago or wherever, where there's tons of light pollution, where he's not even able to see. See the Milky Way galaxy anymore. So he no longer has context for what, how often meteor showers happen or any of these different types of things. So he doesn't think of them as these big cataclysmic feeling moments. And then, before you know it, bing, bang, boom. Now you got an Instagram influencer out there scamming people into a new fart coin because he's actually the soul of an alien. I skipped. I skipped some steps. I skipped some steps.

[Alex Perlman]

Absolutely how it works.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But y' all follow the logic, right?

[Alex Perlman]

We all know what you're trying to say.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Y' all follow that. That was 500 years of history condensed into how your. Your. Your cousin. You know what, that's lost $1,000 on Instagram.

[Alex Perlman]

That's going to be a better history than the books they're printing right now.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

So.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because they're being printed in Texas by Ghislaine Maxwell's father. You think I'm joking?

[Alex Perlman]

What are you talking about?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Jelaine Maxwell's dad owned, like, a lot of the companies that print textbooks.

[Alex Perlman]

Are you fucking kidding?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I wish I wasn't.

[Alex Perlman]

Are you fucking kidding? Somehow you got the goddamn Epstein file. If you pick up that board, I swear to God. Go ahead.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Thank you. Oh, everyone loves the board.

[Alex Perlman]

Ghislaine Maxwell, right over here.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Her dad, who currently has more rights than any Democratic state representative in Texas. Yeah, that Jelaine Maxwell.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Her dad was involved with one of the big major printing press conferences, companies that decide what goes into our books, many of which are also then further censored by the state of Texas because they have an outsized choice in the textbooks.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So a lot of. Especially for our public schools, a lot of our textbooks are actually designed around the social Mores of a few. Elected representative. Elected and unelected representatives in the state of Texas.

[Alex Perlman]

Gee, that's great. It's not a bummer at all.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So anyway, tell me how to maximize my relaxation back in Chicago in 1937.

[Alex Perlman]

So let's see. Skip ahead to 1954. He publishes his second book.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We're skipping a lot.

[Alex Perlman]

Well, he was very busy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, so 19. Wait, wait, real fast. 1937, his first book. What was it called?

[Alex Perlman]

I'm not gonna scroll back.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Scroll back up. I just want to know so I.

[Alex Perlman]

Can write down my spot. Relax first.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Relax first. Got it. Okay, now, catchy title. I can't believe you forgot it.

[Alex Perlman]

His published his second book. It's called My Trip to Mars.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Hey, guys, make sure you relax a little bit. Hit sub midlife crisis. I've been to Mars.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, exactly. He doesn't have the option to buy a convertible. So it's. And Marie is not letting him leave.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, he's still.

[Alex Perlman]

I cannot stop picturing Marie, like, okay, again, I've described how hard meditation is for me, personally. Like, 10 minutes max is all I can do in my life. And this man is like, I'm gonna meditate so hard alone in a room that I'm gonna see aliens and go to different dimensions. And I just picture that's him in the second floor of this house in Chicago, just, like, trying quietly meditating. And then on the first floor is Marie trying to cook and clean. There's five kids screaming and running around. She's like, will you stop relaxing? Yeah, like, why do you need to, like, let Marie relax?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Where's Marie's relaxation?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, I'm already mad.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Also, I like the idea as, like, he had to come up with new terms, though. Like, I. Because back then, people didn't do meditation. Wasn't as. As common.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It was part of the idea of Orient Orientalism, where people were like, oh. We found, like, it's when people started getting into yoga and people started getting into Buddhism.

[Alex Perlman]

People started colonizing different kinds of cultures.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. They started columbusing more. But, like, in reality, what he's really doing is, I'm gonna go set up my room and imagine. Yeah, I'm gonna go upstairs. I'm gonna go upstairs and imagine real hard.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm just gonna go. I'm gonna imagine my thoughts for a while.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I'm gonna go imagine a trip to Mars. Oh, that's what you did. I'm imagining a trip. That's what meditating so hard you go to Mars is. You Just sat still and imagine. Did I ever tell you about the time I met a shaman in a coffee shop back in the early 2000s? So I was.

[Alex Perlman]

Please share. Share with the room.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So I used to go to this coffee shop in this little college town all the time. And we. I perform at open mic there. It was fun. It's a good time. And there was this guy who would come around, and it was like, it sucks because this was back in the early 2000s, when, like, you would. There's places for younger people to hang out.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And it was that weird type of period of my life, too, because I was in my. I was like, 20, and it's like you're. You have free time because you're not in school anymore.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because I dropped out at that point, but I was like, I'm not in school, but, like, I also can't go to the bar, so. Especially in, like, the early evenings on like, a Friday night or Saturday night where you go hang out. So we'd hang out this coffee shop.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And I was there this one day, and this one guy, he was always a weirdo. He was surrounded, like, surrounded on all sides by, like, these younger people. And I want to say between the ages of, like, 15, going into, like, their mid-20s, like, listening to him. And he's telling this story, and I'm listening about him tell this vision he had.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And in this vision, he was there with his future child, and he could see the nukes go off and their skin melt and all these. He was, like, trying to. He was telling everyone this doom prophecy from this vision he had.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And I'm, like, listening to it. I'm just, like, sitting to the side, just like, mad. And you could also, by the way, you can still smoke in there. It was great.

[Alex Perlman]

I was smoking.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I was smoking cigarettes and pounding coffee, and it's like 9pm at night, and I'm listening to this hippie tell his fucking doomsday prophecy to a bunch of children who've never actually had any sort of real struggle in their lives.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because it's the suburbs of Philadelphia. And I'm listening to him and finally just looked at him, I go, hey, where did you have this vision? He was like, in my bedroom. I'm like, when did you have it? He was like, late at night. I'm like, what were you doing? He's like, I was sleeping. And I literally went, so you had a dream wedding? I was like, you had a dream? He dreamed everybody. He did the same thing we all did. He just remembered it and wrote it the fuck down. And he was like, oh, no. I mean, you weren't meditating. You weren't sitting there. You weren't actively doing anything. You went to sleep and then you woke up. I don't even think you even fucking dreamed this. And then slowly, I just watched his cult. I think I stopped a cult, like, right there, dead. Because I was like, I just fucking. We all dream.

[Alex Perlman]

We all dream. Yeah, I like that. Okay, so this.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But also, he was also. He was on so many drugs. I don't think he dreamed regularly. Yeah, and I think he didn't do drugs for like a week. And then he was like, I had a dream. That's a vision.

[Alex Perlman]

Detox. Dreams are the world.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. No, they're crazy. And so I think that's what was happening.

[Alex Perlman]

He had the DT.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Early 2000s.

[Alex Perlman]

I like that. 20 years ago, you, in your body and soul, knew instinctually that you needed to be a part of breaking up cults. And here we are 20 years later, just talking shit on cults once a week.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I just get mad at them. I just get mad at them. Because also, it was just so lazy.

[Alex Perlman]

It was a lazy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I was like, this is just so fudgeing. And I could see the wheels. I could still see it start to click in his head of like, oh, I'm attracting a following. And I'm like, you fucking. You went to sleep. You didn't do anything special. You in. No. No angel talking.

[Alex Perlman]

Meanwhile, now that you're 40, you're like, oh, you went to sleep. That sounds nice. How the fuck did you go to sleep?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Well, first you got to read his book. Relax first.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so Ferguson claims that in a trance state, he. He was visited by a being named Kouaga. That's K H A U G A K who identified as the angel who had given the Book of Revelation to John of Patmos, the spirit of truth, a perfected being of the holy tribune.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

John of Patmos is who? The Book of Revelation. So the last book in the Bible. So this is the angels who showed up and handed him. Gives him the same information of the doomsday prophecy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So we're going from being real chill to being a doomsday cult.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm not saying that's where we're going.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, well, you know where I'm gonna say we're gonna go to take a little break and hear from either a sponsor or an ad.

[Alex Perlman]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to See if you could save some cash. Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Hi, I'm Ryan Reynolds. While you're planning beach trips and three day weekends, your wireless bill should be the last thing on your mind here. At the end of the summer, stop sweating over your cell phone plan and make the switch to Mint Mobile. Get the coverage and speed you're used to, but for way less money. For a limited time, Mint mobile is offering three months. That's three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high speed data, unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. I myself have made the switch. It was very incredibly easy to do. It is not difficult. I got to keep my existing phone, my existing number, all those different things while still getting the great service that I expected from other carriers. You don't even have to give up your current phone. Like I just told you, use it. Keep it. It's great. And it's 15 bucks a month for the first three months this year. Skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get this new customer offer and get your three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a [e-mail] tabs. That's mintmobile.com tabs. Upfront payment of $45 required. Equivalent to a $15 a month limited time new customer offer for the first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on an unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. I just want to remind everybody we got these shirts.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh my God. Guess what everyone. I listened to your emails, I read all of your messages and I took all of your suggestions and so I added black options to the comfort colors. They're available. You asked for and we made it happen.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yep. For our Honks Not Quack shirt in honor of the 2025 quack month. And just a reminder everybody, this is a human design. AI has not touched this design whatsoever. You can get the shirts at our Bonfire shop. We'll put the link over here on the screen, but also it is down in the description of the audio podcast that you're listening to right now. Now let's get back to William Kahooga, which is. By the way, you're saying it wrong.

[Alex Perlman]

I am.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's pronounced Kahooga.

[Alex Perlman]

Perfect.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's also, there's a place in Wilmington, Del. That I used to Go hang out at.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You know, like was it Casa Bonita? No, in Colorado there's Casa Bonita or like Chuck E. Cheese.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Or Discoveries on one of those. We had one in Wilmington, Delaware called Kahunaville.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, I've been to Kahuna ville. Oh, you've been to my friend in a dumpster there once? No. Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

So many years ago. I know that. Okay. So there was a time in my life where I got really into rockabilly.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You know what?

[Alex Perlman]

I think everybody went through that phase, right?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No.

[Alex Perlman]

Anyway, I got into rockabilly there for a couple years and I would go to car shows. It was like a whole thing. There was an aesthetic. And I would get dressed up with all my girlfriends and we'd go to these hot rod shows and Kahunaville had a hot rod show every year. And so we would drive down in all in the cars and we drive down to Kahunaville for the hot rod show and be like do burlesque and the whole thing.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Right. And I had this friend who, who came down with us and she got really drunk. She got really drunk there and I couldn't find her. And like I've always had a no man left behind mentality when it comes to drinking. Right. Like when it was drinking and partying was my life, there were certain rules, but it was like everyone.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Everyone I come in with is everyone I'm leaving with.

[Alex Perlman]

Exactly.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

And like so I, we. I could not find her. And then I. I was like searching for her for hours and I was like. It was one of the points where I was like, I was checking the back seats of cars. I was like, is she just having sex with somebody? Like, where are you? Are you in the bathroom? Like, what's going on? And I found her asleep in the dumpster. Like actually asleep in the.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Like she crawled up and in.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, up and in the dumpster. And I had to get her out of there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So there's one thing I do want to clarify.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Is it was. It was a two part building.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

On the. If you were staring at the building on the right half was Kahuna Ville, which was a Chuck E. Cheese style family restaurant that had video games that you could play at or like round one or one of those type of place where they had. But it was also love around. It was also more for a slightly older kids. It was really aimed at like that 8 to 18 area versus like Chuck E. Cheese is like sub 10 year olds.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Like I feel like sub 10 is Chuck E. Cheese. Because it's mostly ball pit, like feeling. The other side of the building was the big Kahuna.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Which was a tiki Hawaii style rock bar. That was a bar and music venue and all these different things. So it was always insane to me because I was like, why do you have a Chuck E. Cheese strapped to Basically like the electric factory style building and they share a parking lot. So if you stayed too late with your kids and there was a crazy act coming through. But I mean, like, guar would play there, like, it would be like insane. Like these, these like there's. They had like good sized head loners. That's what I mean is it was like a 500 purse rock venue that also had a children's restaurant. And it was across the street from the Wilmington Blue Rocks, which is our single. A baseball team that's tied into the.

[Alex Perlman]

Celebrate with celery baby.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. It's a whole thing.

[Alex Perlman]

But anyway, a celery and he comes out.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

One of their mascots is a celery.

[Alex Perlman]

It's the best mascot.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. Because you're. You're a racing Rocky Bluewinkle. Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm not erasing him. I'm saying he's not as good as the dancing celery people came here. It's a dancing celery people.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He came here.

[Alex Perlman]

Uhhuh.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

To listen to an episode.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

About a man who jerked off so hard he found aliens.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. And we are now currently in Wilmington, Delaware. 20 years ago. I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm gonna. I can't believe I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna beg us to get back.

[Alex Perlman]

On.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

About how William R. Ferguson met Kahuga, the alien that gave the prophecy of Revelation.

[Alex Perlman]

Right.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

You didn't say it right. So we take Kahuga, takes him on a trip to the planet Mars. And he describes it as traveling at the speed of consciousness, which doesn't feel fast.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Traveled as fast as I could think about it.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, that's. I don't know if you think that's like, that depends on how much coffee I've had that day. Or like, did I get enough sleep? Was the baby up all night? Because then the speed of consciousness is very slow. We are not getting to Mars today.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But again, this is also from a time where he doesn't have the visual cues or references to be able to talk about that. Right. So traveling at the speed of consciousness. Well, all right. Is that warp from Star Trek? Is that what it looked like? Does the Star start to streak like they do for hyperspace in Star Wars? Or is it a weird kind of tunnel thing like 2001? A space like now when people talk about alien shit.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They always reference direct sci fi movies that they've seen because that's where your brain goes. Yeah, like the grays showed up because of that. Close Encounters. Yeah, like that's the reason why, like.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, that's what they look like.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, that's just because that's. That's why Steven Spielberg made a book that way.

[Alex Perlman]

Thanks, Spielberg. Yeah. So Ferguson said that he had been bodily transported there this time. Okay. So this isn't just in his mind.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, his whole body.

[Alex Perlman]

His whole body was transported. But upon arrival he was remade, quote along Martian lines. Ferguson described the Martians as being a foot shorter than the average Earth person, being red haired.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh.

[Alex Perlman]

Having a red complexion and broad features and with the ability to levitate. Okay, so gingers are Martians.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, okay. I thought we were black people, but we found out something new every day. And that was according to Tick Tock. We had a whole episode about that. Okay, so they have red hair and red features because he heard that Mars is red. Just want to go with that. Yeah, they have red hair, red features because he heard that Mars is red. But also he is partially describing the Barsoomians from John Carter of Mars.

[Alex Perlman]

I don't know what that is.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

John Carter of Mars is a book that was. It was a very, very popular early sci fi book. One of the tropes of early sci fi, it's Superman is actually the reverse of most early 1900s sci fi. Yeah, most early 1900s sci fi is about a white American or western European man being transported to a foreign planet. Superman is the. Is a reverse. It's about a white western or a European man being transported to America.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

From an alien planet.

[Alex Perlman]

Got it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So it's an alien here on Earth. But most of the time you have these stories like John Carter of Mars, which is a man who astral projects to Mars.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Where he finds out its actual name is not Mars, but Barsoon.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Barsoom. And he. They made. Disney made a movie about it. It was a massive flop. It's actually not bad, but it also just didn't fit the time.

[Alex Perlman]

You remember this, but you couldn't find your keys right now if I asked you to.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I know exactly where my keys are. My keys are in my fanny pack. I've started to put my keys every single day. I put it directly in the fanny pack. Now my fanny pack Is hanging by the door. I know exactly where my keys are because I've been tired of this joke. I'm so sick of this joke. Do I know. Hold on. Do I know what to feed the kid tonight?

[Alex Perlman]

Absolutely not.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I have no idea what's in our fridge. I wouldn't know where to begin. I would have a 10 minute panic attack. And then I would hand him a fistful of blueberries and maybe a pancake.

[Alex Perlman]

A whole box of kicks and just let them go.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Just let him go crazy. But no. So John Carter Mars is about a Confederate soldier.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, my God.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Who from Virginia. Who goes into a cave that then transports him to Mars where he has superhuman powers because Mars has lighter gravity, okay. And so he is stronger and able to jump, like leap tall buildings in a single boundary. He's able to do things like that. And he's able to fight. And he fights between the warring factions.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And he chooses the red women. This red woman who Deja Thoris of Mars. And they get together and they have a child. Eventually she lays an egg. But they. But he fights against the green forearmed natives.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And also white apes. No, he's like white ape things and other things. It's all very racist. Yeah, but in this really weird way where they're like, nah, but they're Martians. Yeah, but anyway, that's what this guy is reading.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And he literally does exactly what John Carter of Mars does, which is he. He meditates so hard that he transports there. But he's also doing a slight other thing where he's. They're making them slightly different.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

But also he's a foot shorter than the average earthling. It's like you don't even know what that means.

[Alex Perlman]

The average Earthling. He's just trying to say he's short.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, they're a little shorter than us.

[Alex Perlman]

Martians were said to be, quote, 20,000 years ahead of earthlings in spiritual evolution and scientific development.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay?

[Alex Perlman]

20,000 years, okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He claimed that Earth years are Martian years. They're different.

[Alex Perlman]

Wow.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They are. They travel. A revolution around the sun is different for each of them.

[Alex Perlman]

He. Well, okay. How dare you question William Ferguson. He claimed that on Mars one could swim in the water without getting wet.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What water?

[Alex Perlman]

There's water there. According to him.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I know, according to him. But we've never felt like there's frozen ice caps.

[Alex Perlman]

Nope. No. What? There's water there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

Breathing was unnecessary. And that food was simply absorbed and did not need to be excreted.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Welcome to Mars.

[Alex Perlman]

Nobody poops welcome to Mars. And we're not wet. We're absorbing our food.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

We're not breathing and we're not pooping. It's Mars, baby.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Incredible.

[Alex Perlman]

It's the Mars.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This is incredible.

[Alex Perlman]

That's why they're levitating. They're not full of poop. They feel lighter.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I thought they were just listening to that.

[Alex Perlman]

Because if we learned anything from the Jillian Michaels episode is you got to take a lot of weird pill laxatives so you feel, quote, lighter.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I thought they were just listening to the Dua Lipa song.

[Alex Perlman]

Which one?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Levitating.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, famously. Who?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You want me?

[Alex Perlman]

I want you, baby.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We're levitate.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, no.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, that's one of those Target songs.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, It's a Peloton song.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

I said this before.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, I know. But there's certain things.

[Alex Perlman]

It turns out I was wrong about Dua Lipa. I didn't realize she was so popular.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, she's very popular. No, she's very popular. But I'm going back to that thread a little bit. I feel very much. You walk into an Old Navy and levitating is playing. You're like, yeah, that tracks.

[Alex Perlman]

That tracks.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's fine.

[Alex Perlman]

Because nobody's walking into a Target.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Not a bad song. It's not a bad song. Well, you know who's not walking into a Target anymore? Their CEO.

[Alex Perlman]

Sorry, dude. Sorry. Not sorry, fam. I love that. He's like, oh, yeah, it's Covid. Was the reason that I have to step down.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, that was make Money. That was five years ago, buddy. You were the CEO for 11 years, bro.

[Alex Perlman]

I don't think that's what it was. I can't believe we got Walmart in the divorce.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Trust me on this. Oh, my God.

[Alex Perlman]

Nobody wanted the Walmart.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We're gonna end up. We're gonna end up with a Newsome Massive ticket. It's going to be Gavin Newsom and Thomas Massey as vice president.

[Alex Perlman]

Did you hear that? I mean, not that I have even seen a Bed, Bath and Beyond in a minute, but he started a fight with Bed Bath and Beyond.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Bed Bath. They started fight with him. They have one store left because of. They declared bankruptcy. Like, we are. We refuse to have locations in California. It's like, but you got bought by private equity and carved out to death.

[Alex Perlman]

And Gavin Newsom's like, whatever, dude. It's not like you have any stores anyway, fam.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Which is fucking insane. Like, stop making us fucking root for Gavin Newsom, psychos.

[Alex Perlman]

Us root for Gavin Newsom, Guys.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

In a World. You know what it is? It's one of those things like in a. In a. In a world of the blind, the one eyed man is king. It's like in the world of scumbags. Yeah, there are.

[Alex Perlman]

We got our one scumbag.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Why is this? Why. Why do we get saddled with this demon? Yeah, you know what, y'? All, we all need to maximally react. Relax, I was almost said react because we're all turning into reactionaries, not because that's what he's doing. That's what Gavin Newsom's really good at doing. He's just reacting harder than everybody else and faster.

[Alex Perlman]

You got to react harder. He's like a streamer.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He's like a streamer. Anyway, keep talking. I got to go to the bathroom.

[Alex Perlman]

You better get back here. This is not a stream.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That references for people so terminally online that it's insane unpause here.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so he claimed. He claimed that on Mars. Okay, so that I said, according to his description, Mars had a large network of canals that covered it with electromagnetic field shielding its cities. So he's describing like Venice almost.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

With electromagnetic fields shielding the cities. Like Wakanda.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, no, 100. Yeah, they're like dome cities.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And things like that. Yeah, this canals. I've heard this canal before too. Because a lot of people have all.

[Alex Perlman]

Been proven not accurate.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

None of this is true. We've seen Mars. We've sent RC cars to Mars.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Hopefully someday we can dash Elon on the skin of this planet.

[Alex Perlman]

That's. That's his goal is he wants to colonize Mars. Right.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No.

[Alex Perlman]

Build work camps there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, oh, he wants to be a colonizer. Shocked. I'm shocked that South African Elon Musk wants is mad that he's run out of things to colonize on Earth.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. I wonder where shocked by that. Maybe his grandpa link.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Racist episode.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so Ferguson said Kouaga asked him to give messages to quote other earthlings, assuring them that the world would soon improve. Factually inaccurate, dude.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, yeah, you're a bit wrong, buddy. Also, also, way to like rip off Muhammad. Like that is like, oh, yeah, I had this. This message. This angel gave me this message. I have to tell the world, for I am now its prophets.

[Alex Perlman]

He said that the quagga was incredulous that humans could kill one another. He said that Martians were concerned at the state of Earth, having decided, quote, to release positive energy particles into Earth's atmosphere to counteract the negative energy particles that man himself has released.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, our bad vibes are overwhelming the world.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Our bad lives are overwhelming Mars. They're like, dude, hey, hey.

[Alex Perlman]

It's like, hey, it's like you have a bad neighbor. You want to talk about some bad fucking energy about a bad neighbor?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, Jesus Christ. No, we're gonna. Because real fast. This is one of those things where it's like, Mars. It's a. Mars walks as. Hey, me and Venus saw you from across the bar. Earth, and your vibes are terrible. Yeah, you have bad vibes.

[Alex Perlman]

We're gonna sprinkle you with good vibes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This is incredible. All right, so what happened after that?

[Alex Perlman]

According to Ferguson, when he returned again to his body. No, right before he returned to his body, before he re. Materialized upon Earth, he said that the Martians were. They had told him they were sending an expedition to Earth. I don't know. He's very convoluted. Anyway, yeah, this was the period where many other people started claiming UFO sightings and having contact the events.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because this is right around Roswell too.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, exactly. So he believed that these UFO experiences were because they were trying to raise the consciousness of all of Earth and provide insight into life itself. Later, Ferguson would claim that he also traveled to Venus.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Ah, look at you.

[Alex Perlman]

See, look at you.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I just picked whatever the next planet was, by the way. That's just why I went with it.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Like Mars is close and then so is Venus.

[Alex Perlman]

Just like, oh, you can go to Venus, but you can't take the trash out.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, you go to Venus, but you can't swing by the grocery store to go get blueberries for the baby. Yeah, yeah. The Venus, by the way, also uninhabitable. It's impossible for us to ever inhabit Venus or it would take more material than we have on Earth to be able to colonize that ever because it is just covered in like toxic gas. And I think the temperature. I think with Venus it was like the temperature's crazy. But we didn't know that back in the day because it's covered in clouds.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So we had no idea what the surface of it would ever look like.

[Alex Perlman]

Poison gas.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

So people were. Began to follow Ferguson for his cosmic healing techniques.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Like. And subscribe part. Follow us. Make sure you subscribe this video. 5 stars or give us 5 stars on iTunes or Spotify. Leave us a review. Would love that.

[Alex Perlman]

So they were. They. People started following him for his cosmic healing techniques. Specifically his clarified water device, which he said that Koaga had taught him how.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

To make a clarified water device.

[Alex Perlman]

Ferguson created what he Called a zeret applicator. So that's Z e r r e T. The Zeret applicator. It was a blue and white celluloid dumbbell shaped device that contained a mysterious fluid. Instructions for usage were to hold the applicator with all ten fingers in both hands and without crossing one's legs at least three times a day for 15 minutes. If you crossed your legs, it would short circuit the mechanism.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Wait, so. So you're supposed to sit. Let me just. I'm gonna use this hairbrush.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Let me use this hairbrush.

[Alex Perlman]

I thought we had a dumbbell in the room.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I actually took them out. I was like. I actually cleaned up in here because I've had so many random props that have been growing here. Like, I got a bucket of ducks over here on the side. I got. We've never even used him. Oh, I have this Italian chef puppet.

[Alex Perlman]

That'S my Italian that I've been trying.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

To figure out what to do with someday.

[Alex Perlman]

I purchased the Italian chef puppet as a way to allow Alex to say. Say things he shouldn't say.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. The president is a pedophile. And the President of the United States of Donald J. Trumpie here.

[Alex Perlman]

That Alex didn't say that. Yeah. Pepe Pizzeria over there. Pepe.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It is our chef Pepe Pizza Saria. And I am here with information about the abstenophiles. And I want you all to know that the President of the United States accused Jeffrey Epstein to cover up the massive amount of sex crimes he committed with the children.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, can we please.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I hit allegedly button, please. This is. This is a comedy podcast. That is a husband and wife d sitting across from each other room talking about a man who masturbated so hard that he met the Martians. If you were to ever sue us because you're the President of the United States, it just proves that you are both a lunatic and a. And a child molester.

[Alex Perlman]

Man, that pizza guy's crazy. That's a crazy pizza guy. Who would ever say that stuff?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So anyway, not us. So you're saying that they would have to hold it with both hands wrapped like this without touching?

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Right like this.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then legs. Legs spread a kimbo.

[Alex Perlman]

Do not cross your legs.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, I'm gonna say legs akimbo.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

I'm sitting in a chair for 15 minutes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Just. Just sit like this for 15 minutes. All right, Start the timer.

[Alex Perlman]

It was nicknamed the dumbbell cure for his. It's a resemblance to a dumbbell.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And because it's four Dumbbells.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, but for me, you just hold it. You just hold it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What does it cure?

[Alex Perlman]

Everything.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, my God, everything.

[Alex Perlman]

It cures every issue you're having. It reminded me of the Scientologist with their. Their thing, the E meter, the E meters.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So the E meter is slightly different.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The E meter is supposed to be, like, reading your electrical levels or something. And as you ask questions, this little dial moves. Yeah, it's supposed to be, like a lie detector test, basically. But in reality, it was a way for the Scientologist to be able to begin a blackmail file on you.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's what it actually is for, because they ask you, like, really leading questions.

[Alex Perlman]

About things that you might have read multiple times.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, because there used to be. In downtown Fleet, there used to be a Scientology sitting room, and it was like, you know what? Again, no third spaces. There was a time where there was just, like, nowhere to hang out, but there was this Scientology place downtown, and you could like, go and just, like, hang there and vibe, and they didn't care as long as that you could. You'd have to do an E reading with them. And so my friends and I would just go and be like, oh, let's all meet there before we go, like, to the bar or whatever and just, like, hang out. And they would, like, eat in there and, like, drink coffee. So we'd go, like, get coffee and snacks, then go to the Scientology reading room, and they'd be like, oh, we gotta do your E meter. And I would do it, and then they just leave us alone for, like, an hour before we left to go to the bars or whatever. You guys didn't do that. Do you think. Do you think they have a file on me?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes, they 100% have a file on you. Are you fucking insane?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

You.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

How has this never come up before?

[Alex Perlman]

I don't know.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You've done it multiple. You had multiple E meter readings?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, it's just, like, part of getting in. Like, I. Go ahead, sit there. Let me hold the thing.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Just. So you had a place to hang out before you went to the bar?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. What, in 1963?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Where's Shelly? Mrs. Pearl Mania. Where's Shelly?

[Alex Perlman]

I don't know, man. I like that. They never. They could never get me in, though. They were like, we don't actually want her.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, they actually. They actually. They're like, no. Did they ever give you a number? They would tell you what your E was. They just went, oh, interesting.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. And then they're like, hopefully they'll leave. They never, like, tried to convince anyone.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I wonder if they've ever recruited. I wonder if the Scientologist ever recruited a single person from Philadelphia.

[Alex Perlman]

I don't think.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I feel like they didn't.

[Alex Perlman]

They were like. They were like, no.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Well, you know what they were doing? They were looking for brides for Tom Cruise. And then I said, that one's too intense.

[Alex Perlman]

No, she's.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

She'll tell him to get off the couch. Stop jumping on couches, idiot. Let the man do the stunts for you, Tom.

[Alex Perlman]

In 1963, an issue of the magazine Popular Mechanics listed the zeret applicator among the, quote, typical fraudulent machines.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh.

[Alex Perlman]

In an article about quack medicine, writer Carl Sifakis sarcastically deemed the Zara applicator, quote, one of the grandest miracle devices of all. In the article on quackery, the Zara applicator was about. Listed as 10 inches long and claimed to contain what was called, quote, zeret water, which was supposed to produce a Z ray, a force unknown to science. It was advertised as an atomic cure, of course, and functioned via expanded hydrogen atoms and would reverse aging.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Hold this weird dildo stick in the air, and eventually you'll.

[Alex Perlman]

Don't shake your shake weight. Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Sit there with your shake weight without moving it. Ferguson claimed that the life rays of the body flowed through the zerit and rejuvenated and invigorated the body as it flowed back into the body. So the life rays, when they went through the zer machine, would go back into your body and provide more invigoration.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So it's like a dialysis machine for vibes. For. It's your vibe dialysis. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Alex Perlman]

And it would expand them.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

If this worked, the Vita centers would have them across America, and private Equity would own 50% of all of them.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

And it would expand the molecules in the body, which feels like a bad idea. It feels like we should not expand our molecules.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't know. I. You know, I'm going to. I'm going to leave that. I'm going to stay out of that one. It does, but I think that is microwaving.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, I think that's microwaving because he keeps calling it nuclear, and I'm like, you're microwaving people again.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He's also using the same way. Everything is AI right now. Back in the 50s and 60s, they thought nuke was good.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So, like, nuke, microwave, all these different things that now we're like little cancer but back then they were like put in everything. So that's why they love to say these words like.

[Alex Perlman]

And that's why they all have lead paint stairs. Anyway, he said, he also said that using the Zara applicator would result in relaxation and improved chemistry of the body, which means nothing and would cure all ailments. He really didn't specify often which illnesses, but he also, he always included arthritis and rheumatism. So I think things with the hands and the feet. Yeah, going for.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, because also, but also I think the reason why is because he himself. You said this in 1960, 63 or 1960. Yeah, around then. 1960s.

[Alex Perlman]

He's getting older.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He is. He was born 1900. So he is 63. Like it's very easy to calculate his age on this one. So he's in his 60s. Yeah, he's getting older. He probably does have issues with his hands and feet.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And he's like, this makes it feel better. It's like, oh, does it, buddy? Or do you just have flare ups?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Some days your hands aren't as good because the weather is changing.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then you touch this stick. The stick. Oh. Next day my hands are better. Is the barometric pressure change.

[Alex Perlman]

Why are your hands so tense? Why are you so stressed out? I thought you were the relaxing guy. Yeah, you should have loose ligaments, dude. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And you know what? I want to relax. Let's relax right after this.

[Alex Perlman]

Let's explore the events that shaped the Middle Ages.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Honestly, Claire, I didn't finish the research, but I did switch to T Mobile with their new family freedom offer.

[Alex Perlman]

That's not how we tell the story.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Well, I'm writing a new chapter by leaving ATT and creating a turning point with T Mobile. They paid off my family's four phones up to $3200 and gave us four new phones on the house.

[Alex Perlman]

History in the making.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

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[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so listen, we need a new character. Her name is Mary Stinakis.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Stenakis.

[Alex Perlman]

S T A N A K I.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

S I'm gonna go ahead and say we're still in Chicago and this one's Greek.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah baby. Mary Stanakis.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We got a Chicago Greek has shown up. Mary Stonnacus.

[Alex Perlman]

She's his sales director.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Ah, there it is.

[Alex Perlman]

He. She met Ferguson when he picked her up for a taxi ride in April 1946.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He was still driving taxis this whole time. He's been still driving taxis this entire time.

[Alex Perlman]

Because again they in 1946 they, they met. So this is kind of like going back a little.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I know, I understand that. But still like when he start when.

[Alex Perlman]

He releases his book A good job.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, I know, I understand.

[Alex Perlman]

And also if you somebody in the backseat you can tell them all about your book.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I know. What is a way it is. It is a one on one marketing over and over and over again.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's also a captive audience. And they used to have a union. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why Uber and Lyft were pushed so hard by the tech billionaires to break up the unions that taxis have.

[Alex Perlman]

Because the tech billionaires do not look out for anyone but themselves. Ever. The end.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's because they're actually trying to exploit people as much as possible. And if you can break up unions and things like that and make sure that everyone's fighting each other, then they're easy to pick off.

[Alex Perlman]

Hey. Hey. Okay, let's talk about Stanakis.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

She had asthma, and she believed she felt better. After Ferguson gave her the zaret applicator. She decided to buy one and afterwards became an associate of Ferguson and his. And became his sales director. So they teamed up. Basically. Basically. In July 1946, Ferguson quit his taxi job to sell zerits.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. Which I believe is a bad move. You could have. Again, captive audience. You could have been pushing these in the car, have one in the back seat. Hey, man, you stressed out on your way to work? Grab that applicator. It's gonna relax you real quick.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, but the thing is, is you need them to buy it before they use it because, like, they're gonna hold it like you with the E meter. They're going to be sitting there holding it in the back of the taxi. Be like, all right, well, I'm going to report this guy to the taxi company. This guy's fucking weird as hell.

[Alex Perlman]

Ferguson accumulated 25 salespeople.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

25.

[Alex Perlman]

And Zarats started being sold through mail order. The Zarats were assembled by Ferguson in his home, and then he sold them to Stenakis, who sold them to each salesperson for $25, who then sold them to the public for. For $50.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, it's. So what you're saying is that. So there's Fergus right at the top of the pyramid.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then there's Mary.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And then there's a series of people underneath her.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's almost as if we're building a triangle.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, almost.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Almost.

[Alex Perlman]

Other sales agents sold the applicators in all. All the different states. They started spreading everywhere after being sold the zerit. Several customers agree to sell zerits to others, and they sold over 5,000 of them, each cost costing $50. Now, customers who bought 50 was a lot of money back.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's a lot of money back.

[Alex Perlman]

The customers started eventually complaining, and some even filed police reports after not getting any results from the zerit applicator. And I love this thought because the Better Business bureau didn't. We didn't have Yelp. We don't trust pilot. We didn't comment section.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No.

[Alex Perlman]

So it's like, I don't like this thing. I'm calling the cops.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. This guy just ripped me off, it sounds like. Because the other part of it, too, is that it's door to. Like, these salesmen are also working, like, door to door style.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So it's like this guy I know. You know, it's not somebody you know.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This is some random salesman. And you're like, this guy's a grifter. He's scamming. He scammed me. He's gonna scam other people.

[Alex Perlman]

People. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And that's. That's really what it's. It's not about so much getting your money back. It's about trying to protect the rest of your community.

[Alex Perlman]

Boo. Have you ever considered instead just becoming a person who sells zerits so that you can be the one that hosts the parties and knock on the doors and get them in your downline? That's the American way.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's pretty good idea.

[Alex Perlman]

That's how America works.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

On September 11, 1948, Jesus Christ. Ferguson, Stanakis and Frank Flea Smith, one of the salespeople, were arrested in Chicago and held on charges of running a scam.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

In 1948, you said?

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What? He wrote a book in 1954. Hey, you jumping around on me here?

[Alex Perlman]

I needed to go back. I need you to see how far he was going to get and then come crazy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. All right. All right. So he's arrested in Chicago.

[Alex Perlman]

It was his personal 9, 11.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

He gets arrested along with Sanakis and one of his other salespeople. All three were released on a thousand dollars bond.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

A thousand dollars in 1950. 1948 is crazy.

[Alex Perlman]

You only have to pay like 10 usually.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Still a lot of money back. Right. Back then, like, you could get like an apartment for like 50 bucks a month.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You know, and those apartments now are like three grand. Like, just think that through.

[Alex Perlman]

And none of it has been updated. It's just got a layer of landlord white paint on it, a layer six layers and a couple roaches.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Six layers? It's 12 layers deep.

[Alex Perlman]

Twelve?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

And the post office issued a fraud order that banned them from being mailed. So he got banned by the post office, for whom he used to work.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's crazy. And like, that's like Sean King getting banned from Instagram.

[Alex Perlman]

That's who I was thinking of. Remember we were talking a few episodes ago about how. What's that app that the application everybody uses now, the. Where they. Where they write their stories and their videos. Everyone's on it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I don't know.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, my God. It's a website that everyone we know is using where they do their updates.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, shit. Okay, hold on. It's the one I refuse to use.

[Alex Perlman]

Yes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What is it called? Substack.

[Alex Perlman]

Substack.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Substack, yes.

[Alex Perlman]

We were making a joke a couple episodes ago about Substack.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes.

[Alex Perlman]

And I said I have never signed up for it. And I started getting emails telling me that you need to sign up for a substack because I'm on a substack mailing list. And it was Sean King. And I was like, who the. Who the fuck gave that guy my email? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I just remembered that and then I forgot.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

This thing. Okay. So anyway, yeah, Ferguson.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Our brains are soup.

[Alex Perlman]

Our brains are soup. Thanks for listening to our podcast about our soup brains.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Ferguson claimed he was uninterested in money and only cared about helping humanity. In October, Ferguson was charged with fraud by the prosecutors. His defense lawyer called over 40 witnesses who testified to a judge that the device helped them. In the response, the judge expressed his doubts and stated, quote, I think you are all suckers, but I'll keep an open mind.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Wow. You found 40 idiots. That's crazy, yo.

[Alex Perlman]

That is Chicago judges.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I think you're all suckers.

[Alex Perlman]

I think you're all suckers, but I'll keep an open mind.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Can I tell you, I. That's again, I. You know, like, the suckers is such an old timey word. You sucker. That is such an old guy. Oh, I love it.

[Alex Perlman]

After the arrest, the devices were studied by chemists hired by the city in 19. In April, Ferguson and Stenakis were charged federally with a violation of the Pure Food and Drug ADD act for entering a misbranded therapeutic device into interstate commerce. Attorney Robert C. Early said that they had sent three shipments of devices across interstate lines with. With misleading information. During the federal trial presided over by Judge John P. Barnes. It was demonstrated by American nuclear physicist Bernard Waldman, who used a Geiger counter, that the zerit contained no radioactive material. And several physicians testified that the object was useless physically.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's a stick with water in it.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Physiologist Anton Julius Carlson testified that the devices had no therapeutic value. In reality, the zeret applicator was made of two plastic globes that were originally from baby rattles. And the globes contained paraffin wax, dust and liquid. During the trial, a chemical analysis was done of the contents of the Xeretz, and the contents were found to contain Chicago tap water.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's. They're baby rattles.

[Alex Perlman]

They're baby rattles.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He welded two baby rattles together and then added some. Chicago. He went to his sink, went, and. That's 25 bucks.

[Alex Perlman]

25 bucks.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

This is great. Can I tell you the difference is, is first thing, we used to be a proper country.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I just want to say that. Did you hear every.

[Alex Perlman]

Did you hear all that? They got a federal Trial. They had physicists, physiologists. All these different people come in, a.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Judge who was like, you guys are idiots. Yeah. Like, all this different. I just want to just point out all this different stuff. Meanwhile, if this happened today and you. First thing, if you went to the cops, they'd be like, we'll file a report, but nothing's gonna happen. Yeah, the attorney. The attorney. The.

[Alex Perlman]

The.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The district attorney isn't gonna bring any trials. The federal guys, they're not gonna bring any trials. No, nobody's gonna bring anything to trial. Because most of them are gonna be like. Well, on the bottom right corner, they wrote. They wrote. This is for entertainment purposes only.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Just like this podcast.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's for entertainment purposes only. Hey.

[Alex Perlman]

So they're a found guilty and convicted of fraud.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

What?

[Alex Perlman]

That's. I know. God, I hate you hate to see that we used to commit convict people.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's crazy. Because. It's crazy to me because as more time goes on and every time we do Quack Month, you discover that we literally had, like, a legion of super villains come together to change law to make sure they could never be held accountable for anything.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And it's just like. And the only thing keeping us from doing it is literally some stupid ethics I got from a cartoon show years ago.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Some dumb morals. Lame.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Fuck you, Superman.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay, so they're found guilty of fraud. Specifically. Specifically for entering a misbranded therapeutic device into interstate commerce. Again, don't do crimes by mail. That we've said on this podcast before.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

If you're going to do crimes, don't do them in the mail. Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Instead, use FedEx.

[Alex Perlman]

Whoa. Ferguson was sentenced to two years in federal prison.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Whoa.

[Alex Perlman]

Sanakis was sentenced to a year.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He got actual jail time.

[Alex Perlman]

They got actual jail time back then, babes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They went to real jail.

[Alex Perlman]

They went to real jail.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

That's fucking insane.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. Ferguson actually only served one year in prison. Prison, though.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, it's fine.

[Alex Perlman]

But they each got one year.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. And then. And was. And then they got transferred to Club Fed.

[Alex Perlman]

No.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Where they can do. They can make socks with Jelaine Maxwell.

[Alex Perlman]

No. Okay, stop bringing her up and looking into the camera like that. So following his release, the Chrisleys are free. And they're doing a lot of podcasts and they do.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The Chrisleys were freed. I didn't want to talk about the 1500 January Six people. I want to talk about them.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Why do you think ICE agents wear masks?

[Alex Perlman]

Following his release from prison, Ferguson went on a tour of the Midwestern United States, lecturing about his supposed experiences on Mars for a dollar a person and attempting to sell items that he claimed were souvenirs from his time on Mars. Included among these items were, quote, brain relaxing helmets and water float clarifiers.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

In 1954, he attempted to sell a policewoman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a brain relaxing helmet and other alleged Martian trinkets and told her about the supposed Martian food and water and that in 14,000 years they would return to or, no, she was going to return to her own home planet of Saturn. And as a result, the police issued a warrant for his arrest on the grounds of vagrancy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So they're like, you know what? We don't want you around here.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

They had. They had a charge of just get out, get out. Go on, get. Go and get what you charged him with? We tried him with, go on, get out of here.

[Alex Perlman]

You try to sell a cop a space helmet. And he was like, no, baby, you're from Venus. That's where you are. Boys are from Mars, women are from Venus, but you're different.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You're going to Saturn.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Again, he's just naming. He didn't even try to come up with a fake planet. He didn't try to hit him with a nearby.

[Alex Perlman]

He never brings up Uranus. Uranus. Ferguson began traveling through.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Marie would never let him go there.

[Alex Perlman]

No. Oh, that.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He tried once on his birthday.

[Alex Perlman]

And then. And then he. She said, you better go up in your room and relax.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You better go upstairs. Go relax yourself. So he's got these children to deal with.

[Alex Perlman]

You could make one fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich to help around here. Ferguson. So he's. He's traveling.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Brain relax. It over. Brain Relax. The best is they all have 1950s names which are very similar to, like, you know when like a Japanese game show name gets translated.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And it's just like, like, you'll hear this, like, crazy name. And what does it translate to? It's like the show where we kick a man in the nuts every 15 minutes.

[Alex Perlman]

You're like, oh, okay, literal.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay. But like, I just literal. Because there's also the same thing with, like, some of the Japanese, like manga and especially their light novels, where it's just like, yeah, I was reincarnated as a slime, but that's the whole title.

[Alex Perlman]

All right.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Versus Here. We have to be like. I don't know, what's it called? Too Many tabs. What's it about? It's kind of hard to explain.

[Alex Perlman]

We. We end up in the Internet looking A lot of things. And research.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yes.

[Alex Perlman]

And then I explain it to him, and sometimes he explains it to me.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And they're like, oh, sorry, this is my floor. I need to get off the elevator. And you're like, ah, shit. We're not done explaining it yet. Because there's a whole thing about a chart yet.

[Alex Perlman]

No, no chart. So he's lecturing in all these cities. He's doing his lectures now. He went to San Francisco, New York City, dc, Philadelphia.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Boo.

[Alex Perlman]

Ferguson claimed to be able to channel Kouaga. Okay. During these lectures, he also started talking a lot about flying saucers and vibrational healing. In one of the meetings, he sold what he called, quote, joy cups were supposed to treat ailments through combating negative energies. And he said he learned about these joy cups when he was transported home from Mars.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, can you explain what they look like?

[Alex Perlman]

No, there is no information.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No described description.

[Alex Perlman]

It just says Joy Cops alive. People that were at these meetings were like, yeah, he was selling us Joy Cops cups. And then that was all that was like, kind of.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I'm gonna take a guess. Ready? I'm gonna take. It's gonna be an empty cup. And then you go, I need joy. I'm joyous. I'm yelling into an empty Dunkin donuts cup.

[Alex Perlman]

Usually $30 will bring you joy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah, but it's empty. Yeah, he's selling me the cup. Not the contents.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, the contents.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

The contents.

[Alex Perlman]

Which is my points for that one.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, you're pointing because all coffee is up 25 because of the tariffs.

[Alex Perlman]

Nuh. Tariffs are because we grow our own coffee in this country. That's what I learned.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

And then you and the people in the comments. Well, we do grow coffee in Hawaii. And you're like, there is not enough space in Hawaii to even begin to grow enough coffee for this.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. And the second richest man in the world, who just bought Paramount and is about to buy TikTok, named Larry Ellison, owns one of the whole islands there. And guess what? He's not growing fucking coffee.

[Alex Perlman]

No, I think he's doing one of those hunter human islands. That's allegedly. I just made that.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, here we go. This is a comedy show.

[Alex Perlman]

Ferguson dies in June 20th of 1967.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, wait a minute. Bum. You bummed out my middle of my wiggle.

[Alex Perlman]

Hold on. Bum your wiggle.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Hold on. Let's time it again.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay, ready? This is a comedy podcast.

[Alex Perlman]

Ferguson dies on June 20th of 1967 in Chicago, Illinois, and was interred at Rose Hill Cemetery. And that's really the end of the story. But then, you know what happens is I was like, who else is in Rose Hill Cemetery? This is a fun fact about me. If there's a cemetery, I'm gonna look up who's in there. I want to know who's there. Yeah. So here's some people that are also interred at that cemetery. Oscar F. Meyer.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Like Oscar Meyer wieners.

[Alex Perlman]

Yes. Oscar Meyer is in that cemetery.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Wait, hold on. Dial it back.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I opened the show by talking on Chicago Hot Dogs.

[Alex Perlman]

You sure did.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And you're telling me that Oscar Meyer hot dogs are from Chicago?

[Alex Perlman]

I. All I know is that Oscar Meyer, lunch meat aficionado.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Is the greatest bologna maker in history.

[Alex Perlman]

They got. They got hot dog cars that drive around.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You know what's crazy about bologna?

[Alex Perlman]

What?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Can't eat it anymore.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. The nitrates are too old.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

No, it's just not that. Tastes crazy.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. It doesn't. I don't know.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I.

[Alex Perlman]

When.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

When I'm a kid. When I was a kid, like, pre. I think it's like puberty. I think it's like when you're. Before puberty. Bologna sandwiches. Incredible.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's like a cold hot dog cut up and then put on a piece of cheese.

[Alex Perlman]

I was never a big. I like a fried baloney sandwich.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You fried baloney.

[Alex Perlman]

Cook up the bologna, you get the bubble and then you pop it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

All right, I'm in. Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

Maybe I don't like them cold.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I'll try that.

[Alex Perlman]

So. Okay. Ignaz I G, N A Z. Ignaz Schwinn, founder of Schwinn Bicycles. Okay. We got some real hard hitters in this cemetery.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Richard Warren, founder of Sears, Roebuck and Company.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

He's there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. John D. Hertz, founder of Hertz Rent a Car. Go fuck yourself. Hate a Hertz Rent A Car.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

Is also buried there.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Okay.

[Alex Perlman]

And also William Ferguson, founder of the Zurich fake Baby rattle Magic water machine. He's buried in the same place as the guy that invented Schwinn Bicycles. And that's the crazy thing about cemeteries, is they're. They're a balancing act. Yeah. If you. You can put the greatest minds of our world. Oscar Meyer.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

With a man who put tap water in a baby rattle and sold it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah.

[Alex Perlman]

A great mind.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Can I tell you the one thing I do miss?

[Alex Perlman]

A great equalizer. That's what cemetery is.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I miss that. Guys like that because this guy today.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

William R. Ferguson.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Today he'd be making a mint.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, he makes so much.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He makes so much money. But again, he didn't have the technology. He didn't have Instagram. He didn't have TikTok. He didn't have. He didn't have store Digital storefronts.

[Alex Perlman]

Yep.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

He didn't have drop shipping. Could you imagine if he had drop shipping?

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, my God, he'd be crushing.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Honestly, if anything, we should actually stop doing this podcast.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We should make Zerts.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. Zerits.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Change. And change the name slightly.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

And just do that.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah. We make a mint. But we do have this thing called Ethics.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We also have this thing called a Patreon.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

You can join [e-mail] if you join our Patreon.

[Alex Perlman]

We won't do this.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. That's really.

[Alex Perlman]

Honestly, it's the only thing keeping our Patreon from starting a cult and selling fake stuff on Instagram, and it's knowing how Lucy lucrative it is.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It's crazy. The more we look into it, I'm like, well, honestly, are they the fools or are we the fools for not realizing you can just do this all.

[Alex Perlman]

The time and there's no consequences because there are no crimes or laws anymore.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Yeah. Because the president is a.

[Alex Perlman]

And this is why I plan to break more laws at one point. No more crimes.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I made it to the end.

[Alex Perlman]

That's true. You did it.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

I did it. It was difficult.

[Alex Perlman]

Was it difficult?

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

It was very difficult. Different.

[Alex Perlman]

Was there a lot of openings where you could have really inserted so many. I know.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

So many. There was so many gaping Hitler holes that were just available for me to thrust my zaret rod into.

[Alex Perlman]

Oh, wow.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Because the big thing with all this different stuff has all been also co opted by Nazi pseudoscience and all those different things.

[Alex Perlman]

Listen, let's not end there. Let's end on a positive note.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Hit me with a positive.

[Alex Perlman]

Everybody's gonna have a great week. Week.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Oh, everybody. We're. Hold on. We're gonna put the good energy.

[Alex Perlman]

We're gonna put a good energy. I learned this while I was meditating, but on Mars. Okay. We're all gonna have a great week. We're gonna have great vibes. We're gonna take deep breath. We're gonna take a walk outside once in a while.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

We're not gonna eat a Chicago hot dog.

[Alex Perlman]

Okay. Some of us are Chicago hot dogs. Some people like them. I like the choppy onions. I think the onions are nice.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Sesame seed buns. And buns on a hot dog is disgusting.

[Alex Perlman]

Anyway, everybody, have a great lady week. Check out our shirts. Check out our Patreon if you want ad free listening. Check out our sponsors.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Check out and listen. Like subscribe. Love us. Give us some stuff back. I don't know. Comments, Comments. That's a great thing. You know what we haven't done in a long time. But hey, if you made it all the way into this, say, love this trip to Mars.

[Alex Perlman]

Yeah, love the trip to Mars.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Check y' all soon. And if you like this video, you can watch this one right up here. Or just keep on following our playlist on here for Too many tabs content, too many frauds and too many scammers that we wish weren't real. Too many cons and too many spammers. And we're starting to feel like we've got too many tabs. Open it. Too many tabs. Remember to smile.

[Alex Perlman]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer. To compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.

[Mrs. Pearlmania 500]

Marketing is hard, but I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't have to be. Let me point something out. You're listening to a podcast right now and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it. You listen to it while driving, working out, cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts are a pretty close companion. And this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre produced ad like this one across thousands of shows. To reach your target audience in their favorite podcasts with Libsyn Ads, go to libsynads. Com. That's L, I B S Y N Ads. Com. Today.